TOM'S TWISTED TOTALLY TRIVIAL TV THINGY
What was the verdict for Neil Avedon (Jason Gedrick) in "The Goldilocks
Murder Case" on the first season of ABC's "Murder One"
A) Guilty
B) Not Guilty
C) Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity

Justice and the correct answer will be served on a sesame seed bun next
time.

SATURDAY
4 p.m.
Nineteen 3-year-old thoroughbreds will be turned into glue after "THE
135TH KENTUCKY DERBY" (NBC), brought to you by the New Jack in the Box.

8 p.m.
The "JONAS" (Disney) Brothers refuse to go away.

9 p.m.
Gail O'Grady decides that "LIVING OUT LOUD" (Hallmark Channel) is the
best way to Oprah herself out of a breast cancer diagnosis. You go
girlfriend.

Someone's trying to kill everyone on "HARPER'S ISLAND" (CBS), by taking
them away from their "CSI: Original Recipe" leadin.

Meanwhile ... "KINGS" has been removed from your viewing options
tonight. Boy adding Macaulay Culkin to the cast helped, didn't it?

11 p.m.
Vasectomies, marijuana, parenthood and off jobs are the stuff of
punchlines for "WILLIE BARCENA: DEAL WITH IT" (Comedy Central).

SUNDAY
7 p.m.
"60 MINUTES" (CBS) drinks up at the Antinoris vineyards of Tuscany.

8 p.m.
Ellen Page guests as insanely popular singer Alaska Nebraska on "THE
SIMPSONS" (Fox).

He made me look like Alice Cooper on "THE AMAZING RACE" (CBS)
. The sisters are gone (yay!), and the gay deaf kid and his mom are
still fighting for the lead. Mmmm, fried scorpion!

"THE NO. 1 LADIES' DETECTIVE AGENCY" (HBO) deals with the #1 Men's
Detective Agency, and we all know what that means.

9 p.m.
Little Nell associates with assorted Riff Raff in "THE OLD CURIOSITY
SHOP" (PBS).

"COLD CASE" (CBS) rocks out to Pearl Jam. Was a female military academy
cadet, killed by her platoon leader or her ticket master?

9 p.m.
"The Hills" Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge, Drew Barrymore, Jay
Leno, Jimmy Fallon, and Craig Ferguson guest on "FAMILY GUY" (Fox) as
Brian meets his new dream girl.

ONE OF US. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.
"WORLD'S OLDEST CONJOINED TWINS" (TLC)

The blue team investigates a man who may have killed his whole family on
"LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT" (USA). And this isn't the Mother's Day
Episode?

Gale Harold returns to "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" (ABC), possibly to be
immediately killed off by the guy from "Harper's Island."

Is Joan Rivers still around for another task on "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE"
(NBC)? Signs point to ... yes. And the new task is to create a new tune
for a popular tuna favored by mermaids.

9:30 p.m.
A hot dog makes "AMERICAN DAD" (Fox) lose control.

10 p.m.
"STEVE-O: DEMISE & RISE" (MTV) reveals which drugs helped him decided to
participate on "Dancing With the Stars."

11 p.m.
Gideon Yago is back as "THE IFC MEDIA PROJECT" (IFC) examines how the
rest of the world views our press.

QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS
Before not being coherent enough to become Miss USA, Miss California
Breast Implants Spokesbimbo Carrie Prejean was actually a losing
contender on another show. Which? She was competing in a popularity
contest to be the new briefcase babe on "Deal or No Deal" and came in
second. Darn those people who thought someone else handled the case sexier.