[transgendernews] [News Feature/Books] [UK] 'I was Paul for 51 years - then I became Paula'
Stephanie Stevens
Belfast Telegraph, Northern Ireland, UK
---
Excerpt: Now almost 57, Paula says that having a sex change wasn't a
lifestyle choice. She admits she has paid an enormous personal price,
but suggests the overwhelming need was finally to be true to her real
nature. Because Paul retained his German citizenship, the sex change
has full legal recognition there. Paula has a new German birth
certificate which states that she is now officially female.
---
'I was Paul for 51 years - then I became Paula'
With a loving wife, three children, a well-paid job and a beautiful
lakeside house, Paul Grieg seemingly had the perfect life. But deep
down, all he really wanted to be was a woman. Willie Dillon hears the
extraordinary story of a sex change
Thursday, September 20, 2007
When Paula Grieg's first grandchild was christened last year, she
could only be there in spirit. Her presence in the little rural parish
church would have been too unsettling for many of the other people
there. The reason was an unusual one - in her former life, she would
have been the little boy's grandfather.
For Paula used to be Paul, who for over 25 years was married to Karen.
They had three healthy children, lived in a beautiful house
overlooking a lake, and enjoyed many of the material trappings of the
early boom years of Celtic Tiger Ireland. To an outsider, it appeared
they had the perfect family life.
But the outwardly successful Paul, in secure employment with a big
international company, had a secret that even those closest to him
never suspected. He believed he was a woman trapped in a man's body. A
vague yearning which at first he struggled to comprehend eventually
grew into an overpowering desire to become the person he felt he had
always really been.
It was a gradual realisation that ultimately gained irresistible
momentum, with enormous personal consequences. He was forced to walk
away from his family, home, friends, and well-paid job to live an
entirely new life alone in another country.
Paul came to Ireland when his family moved here from Germany in the
late 1960s. He was just 17. As a youngster, he found himself
inexplicably drawn to secretly trying on his mother's underwear. But
his teenage hormones pointed him strongly in the direction of girls.
While working as a barman, he met Karen. They became engaged when he
was almost 20 and she was 17.
His liking for women's clothes became apparent early in their
marriage, though the pair never spoke openly about it. He loved his
wife, but he had other deep feelings for which he had no rational
explanation. He had the normal sexual urges of a man, but secretly
desired to be loved like a woman. He deemed it wise not to mention
this to anybody.
They had a son and twin daughters. But he felt he was living under
false pretences.
Nowadays Paula Grieg lives in Manchester. She has written a book
describing the personal confusion and turmoil which would ultimately
lead to a sex change operation. Grieg is a nom-de-plume. Likewise, the
names of family and friends have been changed and geographical
locations have been blurred to protect those dearest to her. But
otherwise the story is told in sometimes graphic detail.
Recalling her growing young family, she says: "I can't say if my urges
towards my children were more maternal or paternal, but I knew that I
loved them with every heartbeat."
Married life too had its contradictions. " Physically, I was perfectly
able to function sexually as a man. But the processes going on in my
mind, while doing so, were usually anything but male."
Through the 1990s, business trips abroad gave him the opportunity to
explore his secret desires. He took to packing women's clothing.
Tentatively, he began to venture out in London and Manchester dressed
entirely as a female. He gradually became aware of a whole other world
of transsexuals - people who had a sex change. "The trips let me live
out my secret life. My children were at home and knew nothing about
what I was doing. It was the ultimate deception to them. By this
stage, however, Karen was well aware that I packed extra clothes and
went out in female mode in the UK," she says.
"By now, things had progressed at home to a stage where Karen had
accepted me for what I was and was giving me good advice on what was
good on me and what was not, and even letting me have some of her
outfits."
But even his wife still didn't suspect the full extent of things. "My
internal conflicts were hidden so well from everyone, but they were
threatening to tear me and our secure lives apart. The conflict was
between the sham 'man' everyone thought they knew and the woman I
needed to be," she says.
Counselling in London brought him closer to the path he felt he had to
take. At home, things rapidly became more complicated when his son
discovered his secret stash of women's clothes. He admitted to the
stunned young man what they were for.
By now, the prospect of a sex change was starting to take shape. But
this was clearly out of the question in Ireland. He still loved his
wife and struggled to keep his family life intact, but this ultimately
proved impossible. He went on a last romantic holiday with Karen
before starting female hormone therapy.
He wrote an agonising letter to his 17-year-old daughters. This was
followed by a "gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, tearful" discussion in
which he told them he could only see a meaningful life for himself as
a woman. One of the girls left him gutted when she asked: "Who will
give me away when I get married?"
He organised a meeting of family and close friends to tell them.
Nobody knew what to say. "It was my father-in-law who finally broke
the silence. He jumped up, gave me a hug and said that while he could
not at all understand what was happening, I had always been a great
son-in-law and he could only wish me well for the future." He decided
to move to Manchester where there was a support group for
transsexuals. His work colleagues had a going-away party for him in
the pub, though nobody knew why he was leaving. Despite the heat, he
kept his jacket on, terrified they would notice his budding breasts -
the result of taking the hormones.
In July 2001, he left home. Five months later, he travelled to Bangkok
for 'gender realignment surgery' - the removal of all vestiges of his
manhood and remodelling him as a woman. The 11-hour operation also
included reducing his Adam's Apple and also breast enhancement
surgery.
Now almost 57, Paula says that having a sex change wasn't a lifestyle
choice. She admits she has paid an enormous personal price, but
suggests the overwhelming need was finally to be true to her real
nature. Because Paul retained his German citizenship, the sex change
has full legal recognition there. Paula has a new German birth
certificate which states that she is now officially female.
Recently, her father's funeral gave her the opportunity to attend the
first major family gathering since her operation. She believes it went
well. She and Karen spent "quite a while" talking. Her former wife is
now in another relationship.
"I spent nearly 30 years of my life with Karen and she obviously meant
an enormous amount to me - and still does, " she says.
"By and large, my family have been supportive. My children are great.
They have all stayed with me.
" And they have done rather well in spite of the upheavals that they
had to go through."
Paula doesn't flinch from the question of her own sexuality now. "The
testosterone-driven desire I had for women in the past is now gone,
replaced by a womanly desire to be loved simply as a woman.
Dilemma
"As for men, every time I meet someone I like, I am faced with the
same dilemma. Do I just let it run, enjoy the moment, or do I disclose
my secret at the first possible chance? If I don't, I may have some
fun and I may even fall in love. But love is based on trust and trust
can't be built on lies."
On the other hand, she says, disclosure will probably cause most men
to run, asking "silly questions about their own sexuality".
As for those who know and don't run, she has her own uncertainties.
"Do they stay because they truly want Paula, the attractive
interesting woman, or do they have some kinky fascination for
transsexuals?"
But she stresses: "I absolutely have no regrets. I made the right
decisions. If anything, they were made way too late in my life."
Had she embarked on her new life earlier, it might have opened up new
romantic possibilities. Does she have a partner now?
"No. I wish I had, but I don't," she replies wistfully. "Love has not
come knocking on the door yet. But there's still hope."
No Man's Land: The Story of a Man who Became a Woman, by Paula Grieg,
Maverick House, £7.99
# (c) Independent News & Media (NI)
http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/features/btwoman/article2980156.ece
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