Straight Spouses: The Collateral Damage of the Ex-Gay Myth

Filed By Michael Hamar | September 23, 2012 4:00 PM

A topic that needs more exposure is the damage done to straight
spouses who find themselves in marriages to gay/lesbian spouses (who
have married typically under pressure to conform to societal/family
expectations and religious brainwashing that tells them that sexual
orientation is changeable and that one can become "straight").

Despite the fact that all legitimate medical and mental health
associations now condemn the "change" myth and hold that sexual
orientation is not something that one can change, the leading
Christofascist anti-gay hate groups and many churches continue to push
the myth that "gay is wrong" and that "change is possible." Indeed,
just this week Joel Osteen
<http://www.towleroad.com/2012/09/socarides-to-osteen-you-think-you-ch...>
engaged in some of this batshitery even though he conceded that he did
not "choose" to be heterosexual.

More after the break.

A piece by Amity P. Buxton, (pictured at right) founder of the
Straight Spouse Network <http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php> , on
the Huffington Post looks at the plight of these men and women who
find themselves in a whirlwind because their wives or husbands tried
to be straight; often they had children as they deceived themselves
(and their spouses) until the whole structure simply collapsed.

I'm a formerly married gay man with children and I've seen the
collateral damage that the ex-gay charlatans and religious leaders
like Pope Benedict XVI cause. The evil they do to countless thousands
of gays/lesbians, their straight spouses, and their children, needs to
be exposed and stopped.

    Tucked in a corner of the lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender closet
is a little-known group: straight women and men in heterosexual
marriages whose husbands or wives come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual,
or transgender after marrying them as "the right thing to do." Finding
the marriages too difficult to maintain due to their hidden sexual
orientation or gender identity, they eventually say, "Honey, I'm gay,"
or, "I need to become the woman or man I am."
    ...
    Though some couples work out ways to stay together, most divorce,
their children now in a broken family. As divorced LGBT partners begin
to live their lives with integrity, their straight ex-partners are
left in shock, their own identity, integrity, and belief system
shattered. The spotlight on the disclosing partners, few outsiders
think about their wives or husbands. "They're straight! They're
normal. No problem."

    Lately, many people - of all orientations - say to me, "Oh, this
doesn't happen nearly as often now, right?" Wrong. While conditions
are improving for same-sex relationships and transgender persons,
these marriages still occur to meet heterosexist expectations, and
LGBT spouses in them keep coming out.

    More importantly, the larger community remains unaware of this
wider range of harm caused by anti-same-sex and pro-heterosexual
marriage beliefs. Straight spouses are injured by the very anti-gay or
anti-trans/pro-straight factors in our society that caused their mates
to marry them - "collateral damage," some say.

    Once they know the truth, the vast majority divorce and must pick
up the pieces of their fractured families to create a semblance of
normalcy for their children. In addition, a number keep their
ex-partners' "secret," wanting to avoid the latter's rejection by
community, workplace, or place of worship, and to protect their
children from taunts... Few find the knowledgeable professional help
they need.

    It's time to pay attention to this invisible group. A new book
does just that. Unseen-Unheard: The Journey of Straight Spouses, of
which I am a co-author, opens the window onto their emotional, sexual,
cognitive, psychological, relational, and spiritual trauma.

    We wanted readers to see and hear straight spouses' anger at being
in their mates' closet unknowingly, their disbelief that the marriage
they knew was a mirage, their fear that they don't have strength to
cope, their anxiety that their children will suffer, and their grief
from letting go of what they thought they had.

    The good news is that most spouses gradually become triumphantly
self-confident. Many gain understanding of why their mates married
them, and a number, like me, become LGBT equality activists. The bad
news is that the societal factors underlying these painful journeys
persist, and, until we change them, painful stories like these will
continue to be told.

The next time you hear some pastor, priest, televangelist snake oil
merchant, or even the Pope himself, railing against gays and the
homosexual agenda and claiming that gays can "change," I hope you will
picture in your mind the men, women and children who are being
condemned to doomed marriages.

All so that liars and hypocrites can feel superior and good about
themselves while they line their pockets with money.

http://www.bilerico.com/2012/09/straight_spouses_the_collateral_damag...