Growth Curves

June 30th, 2012 by Dyssonance

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No, not that kind of curves…

So I did this cool thing that allows folks to save a pdf of my posts
onto their own system. “read later” kinda stuff of the sort that
personally I like (my iBooks app has more pdf’s in it than all my
other reading apps put together, because I love to save things in pdf
format for reading at more convenient times).

That has, surprisingly, led to a huge number of my older posts being
downloaded by people.  No clue who, really — doesn’t matter, though.
In looking through the list of the well over a hundred files
downloaded in just the last couple days, I see posts that I wrote four
and five years ago.

Being curious, I read them.

Wow, talk about growing up.  Talk about being progressive.

Kinda interesting, really…

I always knew that this would be the case, of course.  It was there,
in the back of my mind, barely acknowledged if indeed it even was. The
knoweldge that I would e saving this stuff and perhaps have a chance
to look back over the years and see the changes and the shifts and the
points where my slow and plodding efforts to understand and explore
and grasp these often complicated aspects of the world around us paid
off and I had moments of insight that went deeper than I was often
looking.

And then, of course, since I did those damnable leaps, I would have to
slow down and step back and move forward and see how I made those
leaps and follow them and be sure that they were sound and true and
accurate.

It has been a very long time, in terms of the mental space.  A lot of
stuff.  Over a million words, if one resource is to be believed — and
I mean *well* over a million words.

Only about a quarter of them worth a damn.

I am a terrible blogger, you know. Seriously.  I haven’t monitized my
site with advertising.  I don’t really do a lot of linking, and that
means I don’t get a lot of linking, and then on top of that I don’t
really use tags all that wll and my post titles are often pesonal
private jokes or very, very sneaky ways of talking about things
without talking about them.  I am associative, and I do not make the
common associations.

I mean, I used Tom Petty song titles for several posts. I use quotes
from films popular and obscure for titles. I write about two topics at
the sam time.  I do not follow conventional “punditry” rules and I
certainly cannot be considered a journalist by any stretch of the
imagination.  I do not document history.  I rarely provide the *best*
links, often using the links I do select in order to teach something
other than what I lead people to expect.

I rarely write short and to the point stuff.  I am stream of
consciousness and I overuse the sidebar and my sentence and grammar
structures usually violate every rule.

In short, I’m not even close to a half assed blogger.

And yet, here I am, still plugging away, and this even after I quit once.

Its on my mind because I have to save it all.  So I am.  I’m making a
few tweaks here and there before I do, but this week is mostly going
to be spent getting the site saved, rebuilding the server, and then
putting it back up.

So there will be some down time.

Not much, but still.

It affects my other personal sites, as well — tonidorsay.com, two
others I generally keep separate that I haven’t had time to really dig
into in years.  One of them is my secret passion. Shh, but it is often
described as mythopoetic efforts.

It will also affect the charity’s site.  For years, I’ve hosted the
website. In addition to my other donations, lol, because it isn’t all
that big a deal.

That one will be shifting to its own server.  And the org will pick up
the tab for it.  This one will stay on the existing server I have, and
I’ll keep on keeping on.

I don’t know if I really am speaking truth to power here. I speak what
I know and what I can prove and I speak it to all peoople, because I
see that there is a strong lack of recognition of such ( I mean,
seriously, there’s a lesbian twit out there running around saying that
taking a sign that calls a known transphobe a hero to a trans
inclusive event isn’t a bad thing while she simultaneously says that
trans people taking a sign to a radfem event is a bad thing).

I do know that when I speak, I am fortunate enough to have people who
listen. Who give what I say consideration, and realize that yeah,
there’s more there than just the usual stuff, and that in the growth
I’ve had over the last several years, I’ve seen things in a new way,
maybe, and come up with something that contributes.

I do know that the new site, while looking the same, will be
different.  I know that I’m going to have to collate more of my stuff,
structure it, set it up nicely and allow for the best stuff to be
readily found, while still retaining the history of my personal
growth.

I know that I am going to keep picking on some people, and keep
pointing out failures — but I’m also going to make a greater effort at
pointing out solutions and ideas that can make a change for the
better.

My growth is mine, but it has paralleled, perhaps, a growth among our
community — and that means that I am not even close to the only one
involved.  This is an amazing time to be Trans — on the cusp of that
shift into mainstream thought, on the eve of that time when things
start to get better, at the dawn of understanding and data that has
never been there before.

It will change, in the end, almost everything we think we know, and
much of what I have done will be swept away unless I’ve been forward
thinking enough to see where it leads — things like the separation of
Trans into distinct groups that each advocate for themselves instead
of collectively and haphazardly.

Things like the inevitable shift of the cisLGB organizations to Trans
effort orgs as the practical realities meet the political ones in a
collision that only leads down one path.

I am proud to be a woman of color who is speaking out for my kith and
kin, and I am even more proud to be able to stand up and say that I am
also not that kind of woman of color.

I am finally at ease with my own bisexuality — at least, the knowledge
and practical impact of it. Where it leads and how I negotiate it is
another matter entirely.

But mostly, I am simply honored that I’ve had the fortune of having
all of you to read and join me in this growth. I hope that in some way
I’ve helped you to grow and learn as well.

I know that going forward, I will be writing articles for TIH that
focus on how to make one’s life better, and that here I will be
talking more and more about the larger systemic issues that face our
community, with the goal of helping others to build strong local
communities and support systems.  Without local strength, the national
forces will keep finding themselves running into brick walls, and way
out here in the West, we’re a little tired of yankees having all the
fun ;)

Less tilting at windmills, more building of the roads to them for
others to do the tilting.

Ah well.

I have made mistakes.  I don’t regret them that much.  I’d likely
repeat most of them, given the chance.  I’ve made friends and lost
them. I’ve fought and cried and cheered and struggled, and while I
might have once thought that this was going to be a simple here’s the
story of my journey website, I’m so glad that it became more than
that, even if it gets annoying at times because I’m not the greatest
blogger ever.

I am, however, me.  And this has been my story.  Told perhaps more
honestly than I have ever been willing to admit.

How exciting.

More posts to come over the next few days — shut down will likely
happen after the 4th, so, in lieu of a later post, let me wish you a
fond celebration of the nation’s birth.

Remember what we are here for.

Remember that this is about freedom.

And all the good and the bad that freedom brings with it…

http://www.dyssonance.com/?p=11626