The weight of a name change

July 19, 2012

Argentina’s gender identity law went live over a month ago but I still
haven’t changed my legal name and gender. I needed time to mull over
the decision and do a little mourning, though I think I’m finally
ready.

Every step of my transition was deliberate, carefully thought-out. I
knew full well that I didn’t have to bind, or wear clothes from the
men’s department, or take T, or have surgery unless I really wanted to
(or needed to). Transness isn’t a package that you buy whole. And I
know that my ID says nothing about me as a person: not changing it is
a valid option. There are a few trans people in my life who are
choosing to keep their old IDs even though they publicly transitioned
years ago.

For me, changing my name legally is fraught with emotions, especially
because I have to modify my birth certificate before updating anything
else. In part, I feel like I’m erasing my past, dishonoring the person
I’ve been, pegging myself like a butterfly in the little “male” box.
It’s like reliving what I felt when I socially transitioned, and again
when I physically transitioned. Once again, I have to remind myself
that change is part of life, that it’s ok to move forward, that no
change in appearance or documentation can take away my past without my
consent.

On the one hand, correcting my ID is a no-brainer because I’ve been
living as male for a long time and it’s worked for me so far; on the
other hand, it feels like a big step because it’s my final one (I
might get a hysterectomy eventually, but only if it’s medically
necessary and it won’t be about transitioning). It’s the only thing
left that marks me as visibly trans, and though being visible can be
uncomfortable, it has its bright side too: some people are deeply
moved by knowingly meeting a trans man for the first time and I’d like
to think that the encounter makes them more trans-friendly. Having to
share something so intimate has also brought me closer to some people,
like teachers, who I might not have approached personally otherwise.

Ultimately, I know I need to change my documentation to function in
daily life. I avoid situations where I need to show ID –like doctor’s
offices– because it’s awkward and people get suspicious; at school I’m
constantly afraid of discrimination and being “outed” without my
consent. I guess I could handle it if I were more self-confident and
willing to disclose, but I feel prepared to move on and save my fuel
for other battles. I’m ready.

http://genderkid.wordpress.com/2012/07/19/the-weight-of-a-name-change/