Sunday, 13 May 2012
It happens (again)
Life After Dawn | A story of transition in pictures and words
We looked at the labs together, and my extensive file – which includes
my previous attempts to “fix” my hormone imbalance, and the HRT
journey we started in June 2011. Next month it will be one year, the
first time since this all started that I remained on hormone therapy
for a complete year without interruption. I tried HRT before, between
2010-2011, between 2008-2009, always with an interruption for some
wacked out response by my body or a doctor’s discovery of some
causality which turned out to be another red herring. No one’s ever
figured out why my body changed, on its own, and I’m well past the
point of wanting that question answered, honestly.
So, what were the numbers? That was my main concern on this day, in
addition to getting the next hormone shot. In late March, my estrogen
numbers were through the roof, dangerously high, in fact. There was
both a physical as well as an emotional response to that overdose,
which we corrected by eliminating one medication. And just for the
record, I had questioned that from the beginning, so I was glad to be
right and glad to live long enough to say, I was right. Fortunately,
my estrogen numbers have returned to female normal level; Testosterone
remains at near zero (for nearly a year now).
“So, what does all this mean, doctor?” He rolled his stool on wheels
over toward me, facing me with a serious look in his eyes. “Bottom
line,” he said quietly. “Yes?” I leaned in. That’s when he said it.
“You’re female. This isn’t us pumping you full of hormones, remember:
we actually had to dial back the meds. All you need right now is
maintenance. I don’t know if it makes sense to change anything, given
My past. Every testosterone gel patch was like pouring oil onto the
fire of estrogen coursing through my body. It not only didn’t work, it
backfired. It threatened my life.
No, I have not had surgery to alter my male anatomy, but those parts
have atrophied and retracted to the point that there’s an “innie”
where I used to have an “outie.” My wife is grossed out by this. No
sexual partner would be satisfied, if I ever wanted to have one, and
if this person wanted to be with me, even if that person was a man of,
shall we say, smaller stature (a partner with girly fingers like mine
might be different); to truly transition I would still ultimately
need surgery. Until then..peeing while standing is but a memory.
at 5/13/2012 11:56:00 AM