Healing Homosexuality: Four Stages of Recovery

[Damian J. Anderson]

http://www.gaytostraight.org/html/cos-chapter4.html

Coming Out Straight
by Richard Cohen MA

Chapter 4

Process of Healing:
Four Stages of Recovery

The descender makes an exit from ordinary and respectable life through
the wound. The wound now is thought of as a door. . . . The way down
and out doesnt require poverty, homelessness, physical deprivation,
dishwasher work, necessarily, but it does seem to require a fall from
status, from a human being to a spider, from a middle-class person to
a derelict. The emphasis is on the consciousness of the fall. 1

Robert Bly

Through my own journey of healing, and through twelve years of helping
others, I have developed a four-stage model of recovery. It has proved
successful for those who sincerely desire to change. This process applies
to those who have been actively homosexual as well as those who have
not engaged in sexual activity but are experiencing same-sex desires.

Marriage is not the solution for anyone who has homosexual feelings,
because a woman can never meet the homo-emotional needs of a man,
and a man can never meet the homo-emotional needs of a woman.2 In
the process of recovery, first a man must heal with other men, and a
woman must heal with other women.

Before I sought help, some of my well-intentioned friends told me,
Richard, just find the right woman and shell straighten you out, or
Just pray hard enough, and God will take it all away. If not, then
youre doing something wrong. Well, I wish it would have been that
simple, but it was not. I prayed and prayed for God to take the
desires away, but He did not. I married, hoping it would straighten
me out, but the same-sex desires only intensified. I came to
understand that I had been praying the wrong prayer for nearly
twenty years. What I needed to pray was: God, please show me the
meaning of my same-sex desires. Later, I understood that God would
never take them away, because they had a deeper meaning that I
needed to discover, heal, and ultimately fulfill in healthy,
non-sexual relationships.

I have divided the process of healing into four stages:

Four Stages of Healing Homosexuality
* Stage One: Transitioning
* Stage Two: Grounding
* Stage Three: Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds
* Stage Four: Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds

This is a linear and developmental model. However, it does not work
as neatly and cleanly as I am about to describe. The individual in
transition may jump from Stage One to Stage Three, back to Stage
Two, then to Stage One again. It all depends upon the growth,
maturity, and needs of the individual in recovery.

The benefit of having this four-stage model is that it represents a
road map of recovery. If someone jumps from Stage One to Stage
Three, he will eventually need to return to the previous stage and
continue to work on and work through those necessary tasks. Its like
taking a trip by car from New York to California. Somewhere around
Chicago, he remembers a very painful experience he had as a child
while living in Wisconsin. So he boards a plane, goes to Wisconsin,
takes care of healing that wound, and gets back on a plane,
returning once again to Chicago. Then he continues on the road from
Chicago to California.

You may think, if he could fly from Chicago to Wisconsin, then why
cant he just fly from New York to California and do away with the
road trip altogether? There are no shortcuts in life when it comes
to matters of the heart. In the process of healing, he is reclaiming
his lost self, those parts of his character that he has either
buried or not even met yet. This takes time, patience, and diligent
effort. The price is high to get ones life back, but the rewards are
well worth the efforts. Without such efforts, I would not be alive
today. Those who try to fly without doing their groundwork may end
up crashing in mid-air.

The following parallel stages summarize this treatment plan:

Four Stages of the Therapeutic Treatment Plan
* Stage One: Behavioral therapy
* Stage Two: Cognitive therapy and inner-child healing
* Stage Three: Psychodynamic therapy: Healing same-sex wounds
* Stage Four: Psychodynamic therapy: Healing opposite-sex wounds

Often the process of healing goes from bad, to worse, and then
better.3 People come into counseling in crisis when they feel bad.
As they discover the source(s) of the problem(s), things get worse
as they experience the pain. Finally, things get better when healing
occurs and they experience love.

Four Stages of Healing Homosexuality

1. Transitioning (Behavioral therapy)
* Cutting off from sexual behavior
* Developing a support network
* Building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God

2. Grounding (Cognitive therapy)
* Continuing with the support network
* Continuing to build self-worth and experience value in relationship
with God
* Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills,
problem-solving techniques
* Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings, and
needs

3. Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds (Psychodynamic therapy)
* Continuing all tasks of Stage Two
* Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds
* Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking
responsibility
* Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships

4. Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds (Psychodynamic therapy)
* Continuing all tasks of Stage Two
* Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds
* Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking
responsibility
* Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships and learning
about the opposite sex

©Richard Cohen, M.A., January 1999

Stage One: Transitioning (Behavioral Therapy)

In Stage One, the individual realizes that he has a problem and
wants help. Perhaps he tried to suppress his homosexual feelings
unsuccessfully. Perhaps he married, hoping his same-sex desires
would disappear, but they have not. Perhaps in the midst of many
relationships, he feels empty, hurt, and frustrated. Perhaps he is
very young and confused about his sexual orientation. There are many
different scenarios, but the underlying common denominator is a deep
desire to change. It does not matter if the individual is thirteen
or seventy-three. Change is possible at any age. A key factor for
change is personal motivation. Without a deep-seated commitment to
change, the process of healing is virtually impossible.

In Stage One, there are three tasks:
1. Cutting off from sexual behavior
2. Developing a support network
3. Building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship with God

FIRST TASK: CUTTING OFF FROM SEXUAL BEHAVIOR

In the transitional phase, the individual needs to cut ties with old
playgrounds, playmates, and playthings:

1. PlaygroundsNot go to the places where he associated with
homosexual men or homosexual behavior, such as bars, bathrooms,
pornographic movies, and parks (anyplace he could engage in
homosexual activity).

2. PlaymatesCut ties with homosexual friends and partners. Not
associate with anyone who will tempt or seduce him into homosexual
activity.

3. PlaythingsNot purchase pornography or any other homosexual
paraphernalia associated with homosexual behavior.

It is equally important to cut ties with sources of negative
influence in the world. He may temporarily avoid reading papers and
magazines and listening to news reports that support and encourage
homosexuality. He needs to surround himself with voices of
affirmation and hope. This may seem quite radical to some. Later, I
will explain more clearly why it is necessary to separate from these
external activities and negative influences.

SECOND TASK: DEVELOPING A SUPPORT NETWORK

The central organizing factor(s) in the life of anyone experiencing
same-sex attractions may be homosexual relationships, sexual
fantasies, compulsive masturbation, hangouts (bars, baths, parks,
restrooms), or pornography. It is insufficient to tell someone to
cut off these relationships and behaviors. It is important to
realize that these people, places, and things represent a legitimate
need for the individual. The drive for bonding is genuine. However,
only healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relationships will fulfill
the deeper needs. A support network must be developed to provide the
nurturance and healing environment in which he may heal from past
wounds and receive proper love, guidance, and encouragement. Healthy
relationships and healthy behaviors replace sexual behavior or
fantasies.

The support network may consist of, but not be limited to, family,
friends, and spouse; spiritual community; support groups; telephone,
e-mail, visiting people, mentors; exercise, diet, sports,
therapeutic massage; study of literature; and counseling.
Meditation, prayer, and spiritual food will be discussed in the
following section.

SUPPORT NETWORK

Family, friends, and spouse

Support from parents, brothers or sisters, relatives, spouse, and
close friends will aid in this process of change. When the channels
of communication are open, it is good for him to share about his
situation and needs. If communication is difficult at this time,
perhaps in the future he may create that opportunity.

There are basically four types of friendships that will aid in the
process of healing:

1) Heterosexual friends that know about the struggle and are
supportive;

2) Heterosexual friends that do not know about the struggle and are
good friends;

3) Mentors who assist in the process of reparenting the individual;
and

4) Fellow strugglers who are coming out of homosexuality.

An attraction to a heterosexual friend is a perfect opportunity for
healing and growth. Heterosexual, sexually attractive male
friendships with men for whom the client feels an erotic attraction
offer the greatest opportunity for healing. Only through such
associations can there be the transformation from erotic attractions
to true friendshipthat is, the demystifying of the distant male. . .
. This transformational shift from sexual to fraternal (i.e.,

eros to philia) is the essential healing experience of male
homosexuality.4

Spiritual community

The spiritual community must involve itself in the healing process
of these brave men, women, and adolescents who wish to change. Those
who wish to come out of homosexuality may not accomplish this
without the help of others. They need time, touch, and talk. True
and lasting healing will take place when Gods love is manifest and
experienced through people.

The 12-step movement has developed so powerfully because of the
inability of the religious community to successfully solve the
problems of men, women, and children. Therefore, the time is overdue
for children of God to stand up for each other and be honest about
their heartaches, headaches, and pains. We must reach out and put
our faith into practice.

Support groups

Transitioning support groups:
These are support groups of individuals involved in the same process
of healing. It may be a gender-specific groupall men or all womenbut
this is not necessary. It is important that this group be
facilitated by either 1) someone who has transitioned successfully
and has been sexually sober for at least three or more years; and/or
2) someone who understands the process of healing homosexuality.

Twelve-step support groups
: Other support groups that may be helpful if there are any other
addictive behaviors include:

SA Sexaholics Anonymous

AA Alcoholics Anonymous

NA Narcotics Anonymous

CODA Codependents Anonymous

SIA Survivors of Incest Anonymous

HA Homosexuals Anonymous

Make sure that any recovery group under consideration is not a group
specifically for gays and lesbians. The person in transition should
be aware that the prevailing attitude of the mental-health
profession and recovery movement is gay affirmative therapy, or in
support of being homosexual. In some of these 12-step groups, many
members or their leaders will say to the individual, Its OK, just
accept who you truly are, just be gay, stop fighting it. This is the
danger of attending other recovery groups. The individual must bring
his own agenda into the group. He must state clearly his personal
desire to come out of homosexuality, asking the group members to
support him in this quest. If the group cannot honor and support
this desire, then it is not a safe place for him to be. The issue
here is self-determination versus social advocacy. Any individual
coming out of homosexuality must be clear about his intentions,
rather than following what others think he should or should not do.

I have a great appreciation for 12-step groups. I do, however, have
one bias. In the beginning stages of group work the individual is
asked to identify with his presenting problem. For example he
repeats, Hello. My name is Richard, and I am a rageaholic. I
understand the psychology behind this methodology is to bring
someone out of denial and into the light. However, after some time
in recovery, after he accomplishes some stability and works through
the denial phase, I believe it is important to make a shift in
identification. He then says, Hello. My name is Richard, and I am a
son of God. Now, the focus is not on behavior but on being, on
inherent value.

Religious-based support groups include:

EXODUS InternationalUmbrella organization for Ex-Gay Christian
Ministries

Homosexuals Anonymous (HA)Christian-based recovery network

Courage/EncourageCatholic Ex-Gay Ministry/Parents Ministry

JONAHJews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality

Evergreen InternationalMormon Ex-Gay Ministry

Transforming CongregationsMethodist Ex-Gay Ministry

One by OnePresbyterian Ex-Gay Ministry

PFOXChristian ministry for parents, spouses, family members, and
friends

Pastoral Care MinistriesRecovery through healing prayer

Mens or womens groups:
Joining a same-sex group will help those in recovery relate with
members of their own gender in healthy, nonsexual ways. They will
learn new ways to be with men and women, gaining more confidence in
themselves. There may be a mens council and womens support groups in
the area. Many religious organizations have same-gender support
groups.

Telephone/E-mail outreach

There will be many ups and downs along the way. Discontinuing old
behaviors, relationships, and hangouts will leave him feeling
insecure, lonely, and vulnerable. Therefore, when in need, he must
be able to reach out to any number of people. The recovering person
must develop a phone/e-mail list consisting of people in his support
network. The support network constitutes his new family of choice.

Exercise, diet, sports, and therapeutic massage

Physical exercise is important for individuals coming out of
homosexuality. Many are quite disassociated from their bodies.
Exercise, diet, and sports help to heal many body-image wounds and
peer wounds. It is important for the person in recovery to learn to
be at ease with himself among peers through related same-sex
activities.

Abstaining from caffeine is helpful. Caffeine is a psychomotor
stimulant and causes the hypothalamus to increase fear, anger, and
sexual drive. Drinking decaffeinated beverages in recovery is
helpful because any feelings may lead a sex addict to act out. Not
drinking caffeine will heighten emotional well-being and a feeling
of emotional stability, according to Dr. Christopher Austin.5

Working with an experienced massage therapist may accelerate the
healing process. Therapeutic massage is a tool to release and heal
the pains locked in the musculature of the body of a physically or
sexually abused person. It is important that the individual ground
himself in the first two stages of recovery before using this method
of healing. It is equally important to work with the right massage
therapistsomeone who is safe, sensitive, knowledgeable, experienced
with survivors of abuse, and secure in his own gender identity. It
may be helpful for the mentor to accompany the individual to his
session and/or make sure the therapist is safe.

Study of literature

Bibliotherapy is the study of related literature. There are
excellent books on the causes and treatment of homosexuality.
Reading such books will help him understand what he is going through
and help him identify causal factors that lead him into sexual
behavior or fantasies. Studying appropriate literature on healing
homosexuality is extremely helpful.

Counseling

It is important to find a therapist who understands the nature of
homosexuality and the process of healing. Such a counselor needs to
establish a very close relationship with the client. Maintaining a
distant or aloof therapeutic relationship merely exacerbates the
already-present defense detachment in the individual. A Same-Sex
Attachment Disorder contraindicates the use of authoritarianism.

I strongly recommend a same-sex counselor during the first three
stages of healing. A counselor of the opposite sex will be
appropriate in the final stage. First, men need to heal with men,
and women need to heal with women. The therapist must be firm and
embracing, teach many skills, and assist in the process of grieving.
Be more than a therapist and less than a friend.6

The best therapist is one who has done his own work, healing past
and present wounds. One can only take someone as far as he has gone
himself. One cannot give or share what he has not experienced
personally. It is unnecessary for the therapist to have been a
former homosexual person. However, he needs to have dealt with his
own issues and achieved some success and victories in his personal
life. Murray Bowen, the father of Family Systems Therapy, said he
believed no one should earn a degree in counseling until healing
with ones family members, becoming a mature adult with both Father
and Mother.

These activities and relationships from the support network make up
the new central organizing factors in the life of the individual
coming out of homosexuality. For those with a strong will and
ability to self-discipline, developing this support network may be
difficult yet achievable. For those with a weak will and a more
fragile ego structure, developing this support network may be too
difficult. They will need more assistance and community support to
supplement their lack of discipline and lack of willpower. They will
not be able to make it alone. It takes a family and a community to
raise a child. It also takes a community to heal one.

THIRD TASK: BUILDING SELF-WORTH AND

EXPERIENCING VALUE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Today significant emphasis is placed on sexual identity and sexual
behavior. One primary cause of this preoccupation is the lack of
intimacy within the family. The pursuit of sex then becomes a
substitute for love. If children are deprived of their parents
attention, affection, and affirmation, they will compensate for
those losses in a variety of ways: performance-based behavior and/or
workaholism, overachievement, over-responsibility, codependent
relationships, rebelliousness, and
drug/alcohol/sexual/gambling/religious addictions.

Another important reason for increased emphasis on sexual activity
is a lack of spirituality, a lack of relationship with God, our
vertical parents. Without experiencing parents love, and without
experiencing Gods love, an individual will never experience or
understand his value. It is an established fact that nobody is born
with the ability to love himself.... Self-love is either acquired or
it is nonexistent. The one who does not acquire it or who acquires
it insufficiently either is not able to love others at all or to
love them only insufficiently. The same would be true for such a
person in his relationship with God.7

Value comes from being loved, not from doing, not from
accomplishments, and not from physical appearance. True and lasting
value comes from simply being loved. One of the first tasks of
recovery is to de-emphasize either homosexual or heterosexual
identity and emphasize true identity as a son or daughter of God.

Beneath these man-made terms relating to sexual behavior is the
essence of life: a childs longing for love. It is imperative to
reinforce on a daily basis the individuals value that comes from
God, the source of life and love.

Meditation, study, prayer, and affirmations are tools to assist in
this process. Wounding programs the mind, heart, body, and spirit
with unhealthy and destructive messages. We are constantly being
bombarded by negative messages around us. We have all heard, You
cant, You shouldnt, You wont, Its impossible, People are born this
way, and so on. The news, reported on TV, in newspapers and
magazines, and on the radio, revolves around the misfortune of
others, not the noble or uplifting qualities of life. The talk-show
format exemplifies the exploitation of the pain and suffering of
others. Today, the media and entertainment industry promote the
acceptance of homosexuality. Cutting off these sources of negativity
is important in the beginning stages of healing, i.e., do not watch
particular TV shows, do not attend particular movies, do not read
particular magazines and newspapers. Through meditation, study,
prayer, and affirmations, we infuse our body, spirit, and soul with
positive messages of truth and love.

We must emphasize inherent value as a child of God in this and the
subsequent stages of healing. . . . Every homosexual is a latent
heterosexual.8 Those who find themselves experiencing same-sex
attractions are merely late bloomers. They are latent heterosexuals
stuck in an early stage of psychosexual development. When the mental
and emotional walls break down, the natural process of growth will
ensue, and so will heterosexual desires.

In summary, the three main tasks that need to be accomplished in
Stage One are: 1) cutting off sexual behaviors; 2) developing a
support network; and 3) building self-worth and experiencing value
in relationship with God. It is important for all involved to
realize that in this stage, and the stages to follow, the person in
recovery is likely to become very dependent. A lack of healthy
attachment with parents creates the Same-Sex Attachment Disorder
(SSAD). Therefore, in the first few years of recovery, there will be
a great need for the active participation of others. It is important
to build a strong support network and not just rely on one person.

Case History

Alex was the youngest of four children. His older brother was Jason,
and his older sisters were Becky and Sarah, respectively. He lived
in Ohio where his father worked for a large corporation and his
mother was a housewife. Alex never got along well with his dad. His
father was prone to outbursts of anger, especially when he drank,
which increased as Alex got older. His mother would lament about her
disappointments with her husband while holding Alex in her arms. A
sensitive child by nature, Alex experienced her pain and suffering
as though it were his own. More and more, Alex aligned himself with
his mother and grew to hate his neglectful and abusive father.

Jason was the athlete of the family. He was a natural at baseball,
basketball, and football. Alex felt that he could not measure up to
Jasons athletic prowess. As his moms favorite, he was more inclined
to the arts and reading. He would watch as Jason and his friends
played sports, wishing that he, too, was just one of the guys. Alex
played with his sisters and felt more comfortable in their world.
When his dad saw him playing games with his sisters, he called him a
faggot and sissy. Youre going to grow up to be one of the girls, his
dad would comment. He never spent any quality time with his son.
When at home, his dad hid behind the newspaper or watched TV. Often
he would not come home until late. He was out drinking with his
buddies.

Alex began to experience same-sex attractions in the last few years
of elementary school. He always envied the boys who were more
athletic and competent. He longed to be just like them. During
puberty, those feelings became eroticized as he imagined having
sexual relations with the classmates he admired. He dared not share
those thoughts and feelings with his family. His dad already
considered him a sissy, and his brother would frequently beat him
up. Jason and Alexs dad had an antagonistic relationship. They
related through arguments and fistfights. Alex wanted no part of
that, so he remained an outsider, alone in his fantasies about men.

A neighbor introduced Alex to masturbation, and eventually they
became frequent sex partners. Alex felt ashamed of these activities.
He and his family attended church weekly. He knew that homosexuality
was wrong, but his feelings were so powerful. The guilt was
tremendous, but his need for male intimacy was even greater. The
relationship with the neighbor continued throughout junior high
school until he moved away. Then Alex found male pornography and
began to masturbate several times a day.

Alex had sex with several other classmates while in high school.
They were all short-term relationships, as Alex continued to battle
these desires. In college, he began to have anonymous sex with men
in parks, bathrooms, and bathhouses. He was an honors student
majoring in business and eventually law. Alex had a very sharp mind
and was admired by most of his classmates, but no one knew that Alex
led a double life. By day, he was the clever, brilliant student. By
night, he was a sex addict, seeking yet another man to fill his
loneliness and pain.

When I began to counsel Alex, he was in his late twenties and a very
successful lawyer making a handsome income. But Alex was miserable.
His colleagues admired his brilliant mind, his way with words, and
his successful trial skills. But Alex hated himself. He longed to be
one of the guys. He felt like he was on the outside looking in. He
felt ashamed of his addictions to anonymous sex, male pornography,
and compulsive masturbation. He wanted out, but he did not know how
to change.

At first, I had Alex fill out questions about his family of origin.
After reviewing his history, I gave him an evaluation and treatment
plan. We then began our therapeutic relationship. I had Alex read
several books about the etiology of same-sex attractions. Gradually,
he began to understand where these desires originated. He understood
that he had emotionally detached from his father and had an
unhealthy attachment with his mother. Being more sensitive, he
feared his father and the strength that he represented. Rather than
standing up to his dad, he ran for safety in the arms of his mother
and sisters. He came to see that his sexual exploits were a mask for
the unobtained love and affection from his father and his inability
to communicate his needs in a positive and assertive manner.

Alex was hungry to learn and grow. The next task was to help him
build a strong support network in order to replace the sexual
addictions and to assist him in the recreation of his character. He
was fearful about sharing his struggle with others. He had managed
to isolate this part of his life since he began experiencing
same-sex attractions. I gently encouraged him to join a support
group of other men in the process of transitioning. He resisted
until I told him that in order for me to help him, I needed him to
join such a group. Finally, he agreed to attend a meeting. There, to
his great surprise, he met other men just like himself who had
suffered their entire lives with similar feelings and experiences.
He was so relieved and so grateful to learn that he was not alone.
He met others who understood him.

Alex began an exercise program. He joined an athletic club and found
several men to work out with. He began making friends with men who
were secure in their sexuality. As Alex had always been on the
sidelines watching his brother and other boys, it was scary for him
to participate in group sports. He sought a mentor to teach him
basic athletic skills: throwing the ball, hitting the ball, catching
the ball, and shooting hoops. Over a period of time, he began to
experience his own strength and power. (A word of caution: I
encourage those coming out of homosexuality to find family-oriented
health clubs and exercise with healthy friends.)

I had him begin a regimen of meditation every morning and evening.
He listened to messages of affirmations. He began to redefine
himself. No longer was he a homosexual man, but a precious son of
God. Gradually, Alex began to understand that he did not have to
earn love and acceptance through appearance or outward success. He
was simply loved just for who he was. This was a revelation for
Alex. This internal transformation, combined with new social skills,
his support group, and weekly counseling, gave him the strength to
stop acting out sexually. Occasionally, he would have a sexual
experience, but they were decreasing each week.

Stage Two: Grounding

(Cognitive Therapy/Inner-Child Healing)

I have observed that the individual who experiences same-sex
attractions is not grounded in his body and soul. He must learn
skills of self-knowledge and fulfillment before healing the wounds
of the past. This stage is one of creating inner contentment and
peace, a new sense of being centered in his heart, mind, body, and
spirit.

In Stage Two, there are four tasks:

1. Continuing with the support network

2. Continuing to build self-worth and experience value in
relationship with God

3. Building skills: assertiveness training, communication skills,
and problem-solving techniques

4. Beginning inner-child healing: identifying thoughts, feelings,
and needs

FIRST TASK: CONTINUING WITH THE SUPPORT NETWORK

It is important for the individual to develop, participate in, and
strengthen his support system. This is a vital part of the recovery
program. The support system stands as a container, a safe space
around the individual. The support system represents an external
form of an internal reality. It is recreating the family and
community in a healthy, positive, loving, and supportive manner.
Later, he will internalize all the love received through the support
network.

There is a strong need for involvement by the entire support system.
Discontinuing sexual activity or fantasies causes the individual to
experience feelings and thoughts more intensely than before.
Repeated sexual behavior in the past helped the individual to
medicate uncomfortable feelings and negative thoughts by numbing the
mind, heart, body, and spirit.

Sexual behavior or fantasies are escape mechanisms, like a drug to
avoid pain, hurt, disappointment, and any other unpleasant feelings.
The components of the support system stand as a fortress of strength
for the individual in recovery. This is the holding environment, the
fertile soil in which to spring forth and grow.

SECOND TASK: CONTINUING TO BUILD SELF-WORTH

AND EXPERIENCE VALUE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Meditation, prayer, study, and affirmations are essential to
building a strong spiritual foundation and a skin touch relationship
with God. Meditation is listening. Prayer is speaking. Meditation
creates a safe space for quieting the soul and learning to listen.
Prayer is communication between the body, soul, spirit, and God.
Study of inspirational words renews our hearts and minds.
Affirmations are a way of reeducating our unconscious minds, helping
us to develop faith, hope, and self-confidence.

THIRD TASK: BUILDING SKILLSASSERTIVENESS TRAINING,

COMMUNICATION SKILLS, AND PROBLEM-SOLVING TECHNIQUES

With a strong support system intact, and through the practice of
meditation, prayer, study, and affirmations, the individual enters
into the Grounding phase of recovery. A person experiencing
homosexual feelings is often unable to regulate his emotions and
thoughts. He needs instruction and coaching on how to manage
present-day relationships before he is able to go back and heal the
wounds of the past.

During this phase, he must learn to cope with uncomfortable feelings
and thoughts, dealing with them in more responsible ways. By
learning basic cognitive-behavioral skills, he learns to identify
negative self-talk, or stinkin thinkin, and ways in which to untwist
these negative thought patterns.

He may need to learn more about the art of self-expression, learning
communication skills and assertiveness in a healthy and positive
mannerin short, getting his voice back. I use several workbooks that
teach about these techniques and skills.

A man with same-sex attractions may have a chameleonlike nature,
changing color and character to become what others expect of him, or
what he thinks they expect of him. This personality trait may be an
asset or liability. In the present character of a gender-detached
individual, it serves to further distance him from his true self.
The use of this and other defense mechanisms creates a false self,
character armor to protect a wounded heart. Another characteristic I
have observed in the gender-detached individual is impatience or
lack of self-discipline. Therefore, he needs to learn how to cope
with painful feelings in present-day relationships and situations.
Not running away from or trying to medicate uncomfortable feelings
is difficult for many in recovery. The first response may be to act
out sexually or escape into fantasy. For this reason, he must learn
new patterns of behavior. Many times, homosexual desires arise after
feeling rejected, frustrated, lonely, angry, or overtired.9 The
individual needs to develop tools to more effectively deal with
these unpleasant feelings. There are a number of methods to assist
the individual in this task, including:

Reaching out for help within the support network

Prayer, meditation, and affirmations

Bioenergetic/core energetic exercisespounding, anger release,
working through the feelings to get down to the core issues

Focusinga technique used to first identify the cause of distress,
and second, to create relief in the body and mind

HALTa technique for identifying the cause(s) leading to sexual lust

Hungry
There is physical hunger and/or feeling of rejection and wanting to
fill up
with another person or substance.

Angry
Unexpressed feelings may become eroticized.

Lonely
Legitimate needs for intimacy that go unmet later are experienced as
sexual
desires.

Tired
Stress factors kick in and the desire to take care of oneself by
using old sexual
habits may arise.

JournalingWriting on a regular basis helps him understand his inner
thoughts and feelings and learn about the triggers that may
stimulate inappropriate behaviors. A trigger is any activity, event,
or situation that will lead the individual to act out or become
emotionally distressed. Many addicts have an obsessive-compulsive
(personality) disorder. Writing helps get him out of his head and
achieve some distance from the intensity of the experience.

FOURTH TASK: BEGINNING INNER-CHILD HEALING

IDENTIFYING THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND NEEDS

To understand the more emotional part of his being, I introduce the
use of inner-child work. I assign several workbooks and the use of
different inner-child techniques to assist the individual in getting
in touch with his deeper feelings and needs. Through inner-child
work, he will begin to understand the origins and meanings behind
these powerful forces within

and around him.

There are three stages of inner-child work: self-parenting,
spiritual parenting, and mentoring.

First, he must become his own mentor, the ideal mom and ideal dad
for which he always longed. Second, through creative visualization,
he may have his spiritual mentor or other mentors mentor his inner
child, visualizing wonderful, healing activities together with his
mentors. Last, he will heal with and in the presence of others,
mentors who can teach him about the ways of men. The individual does
this third stage of inner-child work on the foundation of
self-parenting and spiritual parenting; otherwise he will develop an
unhealthy dependency on the mentor.

I also teach him to get in touch with his body through several
techniques: bioenergetics, core energetics, role-play, voice
dialogue, and focusing. All these methods will help him get deeper
into his body, and more grounded in his character. In this way, he
learns to solve his problems, rather than seeking to have a sexual
relationship, overworking, or escaping into a fantasy world.

Before going into the psychodynamic aspects of treatment in order to
uncover and heal the root causes of these desires, he must become
more stable in present-day relationships. He needs to learn how to
sustain pain, ride the wave, as I call it, and not act out
inappropriately. Unresolved trauma of the past caused the homosexual
disorientation. However, unless he successfully manages his
relationships and circumstances in the present, and learns to be an
effective communicator, he will be neither able nor equipped to
contain the pain that emerges when he begins the process of healing
the root causes. He may run away, terminate treatment, start acting
out, or feel hopeless that change is impossible.

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Two are: 1)
continuing with the support network; 2) continuing to build
self-worth and experience value in relationship with God; 3)
building skills such as assertiveness training, communication
skills, and problem-solving techniques; and 4) beginning inner-child
healing to identify thoughts, feelings, and needs.

In the first few stages of my healing, the therapist helped me get
in touch with the profound and painful causes of my homosexual
feelings without helping me build any support system. He never
checked if I had friends, family, and other means of support to help
me contain the tremendous amount of pain I was about to experience.
Consequently, I ran back into the homosexual world because I felt
continuously frustrated from reaching out to friends in my spiritual
community who could not understand my pain or need for intimacy. I
cannot describe the hell I experienced, nor how lonely I felt during
those years. Having no one who understood my situation merely
exacerbated the wounds. I learned in a profound and painful way how
necessary it is to first help the individual gain stability in the
present, develop a strong support system, and learn new coping
skills for current problems.

Therapists must be wise in assisting their clients. If you are a
therapist, please do not take your client into his deeper pain until
he has the resources to deal with it. If you are the client, do not
allow the therapist to take you into your deeper pain until you are
more stable in your present-day life.

Case History

Alex attended his support group weekly. It gave him a sense of
stability and comraderie that he needed as he continued on his
healing journey. Alex always told me that a life-changing concept
for him was that homosexuality was not the problem but a symptom of
unresolved issues. He stated that this concept freed him to take the
focus off of his sexuality and to deal with the underlying causes of
his same-sex attractions. We continued to meet for our weekly
counseling sessions. I had him begin using Dr. David Burnss book,
Ten Days to Self-Esteem. Reluctantly, he began doing the
assignments. Like many others that I have counseled, Alex did not
like this workbook. It reminds me of all the homework assignments I
had to do for school. I told him, I understand your resistance, and
its fine to hate it. Just do it anyway. And he did.

By practicing Burnss methods, Alex learned to identify his negative
self-talk, cognitive distortions that led him into a vicious cycle
of depression and sexual addiction. By doing the daily mood logs and
other activities suggested by Burns, he gained a greater sense of
self-control. Then, instead of getting upset with himself and
others, he took the time to reflect on his negative thinking and
transform those thoughts into positive energy. This was yet another
way in which he gained greater self-awareness and power over the
addictive cycle. Dr. Douglas Weiss describes the addictive cycle by
the following six stages: 1) pain agentsemotional discomfort,
unresolved conflict, stress, or a need to connect; 2)
disassociation; 3) the altered state; 4) pursuing behavior; 5)
behavior; and 6) time between acting out.10

He continued to meditate on a daily basis using several of the tapes
that I provided. We also made a tape specifically to reinforce his
sense of self-worth. I had him write a list of affirmations, things
that he wished his dad and others had said to him while growing up.
I asked him if he wanted me to record the tape or if he wanted to do
it himself. He requested that I do it, and together we made the
recording during our session. I wanted to make sure it was done in a
way that was pleasing to his soul. The tape was just about five
minutes in length with soothing music in the background. Some of the
affirmations were: Alex, I love you for who you are. You are my
precious son. You are enough. You are talented, gifted, and strong.
I believe in you. By using these affirmations on a daily basis, Alex
began to believe in his value and self-worth as a loved son of God.

By participating in sports and exercise, Alex was strengthening his
masculinity as well. After working with his mentor for months, he
finally built up the courage to begin playing basketball with some
other men. It was very frightening for him at first. He used the
cognitive techniques, slaying negative self-talk with positive and
rational responses. It was very hard for him to do this. He used
creative visualization, imagining that he was a competent,
accomplished basketball player already. He would practice seeing
this in his mind several times throughout the day. He made a goal
each time he played basketball. One time his goal was to just have
fun, no matter how he played. Another time his goal was to focus on
skill buildingdribbling and passing the ball. Another time his goal
was to be as assertive as possible. He also asked a friend to
practice with him. Through his continued efforts, his game gradually
improved and he learned to have fun.

After completing Burnss cognitive therapy, he began inner-child
healing. Alex did the assignments in Dr. Lucia Capacchiones book,
Recovery of Your Inner Child. As a lawyer, he found this approach
ridiculous and stupid. What does drawing pictures with my opposite
hand have to do with healing homosexuality? This seems absurd!
Again, I told Alex, Its fine to hate it. Just do it. And so he did.
At first, the inner-child drawing and dialogue exercises were very
difficult for him. It was slow going. Getting in touch with the
inner voice was a painstaking adventure for Alex. For so many years,
he had buried that hurt little boy beneath all the good grades,
smiles, pleasantries, and sexual activity. But through his
consistent and concerted efforts, eventually the child within began
to speak.

Alex was shocked at what began to emergea very angry and raging
little boy. He was not nice. He was not sweet. He was hurt, and he
wanted to be heard. And so Alex completed many drawings and allowed
the little boy within to voice his feelings. During several
sessions, I created exercises for that particular inner child. He
did some bioenergetic work, pounding on pillows with a tennis
racquet. No longer was Alex the sweet, submissive child, but a
strong and powerful, masculine force.

He also tapped into other parts of his inner familythe protective
parent, the frightened little boy, the critical parent, the playful
child. Alex was awakening parts of himself that had been dormant for
years. He was learning to access feelings, thoughts, and needs he
never knew he had. Alex used the meditation tape, Healing Your Inner
Child, several times a week. Through these inner-child healing
activities, he began to find his emotional center and become more
powerfully aware of who he was rather than seeking to define himself
in response to how others thought and felt about him.

Stage Three: Healing the Homo-Emotional Wounds

(Psychodynamic Therapy)

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

George Santayana

Stage Three is emotional, mental, and spiritual surgery through deep
grieving and inner healing. First, the causes of same-sex
attractions must be illuminated. Next, the wounds need to be healed.
Finally, the unmet love needs will be fulfilled in healthy, healing
same-sex relationships. Through this process, the individual will
naturally come to experience the fullness of his gender identity.

In Stage Three, there are four tasks:

1. Continuing all tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of homo-emotional wounds

3. Beginning the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking
responsibility

4. Developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships

FIRST TASK: CONTINUING ALL TASKS OF STAGE TWO

Continue with the support network: This is critical, as the
individual is about to enter psychodynamic work, uncovering the
pains of the past. The support network surrounds him with love,
understanding, and support.

Continue building self-worth and experiencing value in relationship
with God: It is important for him to continue developing a spiritual
connection with the Creator, the inner voice of guidance and
support. A personal relationship with God will give greater strength
to begin the process of grieving.

Continue building skills: assertiveness training, communication
skills, and problem-solving techniques. Continue to challenge faulty
thinking and negative self-talk, and to stretch in new ways. As a
more authentic man, he then becomes more responsible, fulfilled, and
empowered in everyday relationships.

Continue inner-child healing by learning to identify thoughts,
feelings, and needs. The inner-child work serves as fertilizer for
the soil of deeper work to comethe discovery and healing of the root
causes of same-sex attractions. By learning to listen to his body
and soul, he prepares himself to handle the heartaches and pains as
they emerge in this third stage of healing.

SECOND TASK: DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSES

OF HOMO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

In this stage, he must uncover and discover what took place in his
past that cut him off from his own gender identity. The primary
cause of homosexuality is not an absent same-sex parent, but the
childs defensive detachment toward that parent. The child first
perceived rejection, from either Dad or Mom, or both, and then
self-protected and created an emotional wall around his heart.11 In
the process of healing, this wall must come down. Same-sex desires
represent alienation from the true self. He seeks in another man
what is lacking within himself.12 The false self is an adaptation of
ones character in order to obtain love. Other names for the false
self are masks, defensive mechanisms, and character armor. The true
self is ones inherent God-given naturepure, loving, spiritual,
forgiving, and understanding.

Explanation about Layers of Our Personality

[Chart to be given out at the conference.]

At the core of ones being is his God-given true self, full of love,
understanding, and forgiveness. He also has an inherited self, with
a predilection to misinterpret or misperceive the words and deeds of
others, especially his primary caregivers.

If he experienced or perceived any kind of abandonment, neglect,
abuse, or enmeshment, as an infant, child, or adolescent, his first
feeling response is fear. Because children always self-blame,
underneath psychological fear is guilt and shame. Guilt comes from
behavior: I did wrong. Shame comes from being: I am wrong. If he is
allowed to express his feelings freely, and if his feelings are
heard and honored by his parents, healing will take place at that
time. If his feelings are not expressed or received, he then
represses them. Repression is a state of emotional numbness. . . .
It occurs when you are so tired of resisting, resenting, and
rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative
emotions to keep the peace, for the sake of the family, or to look
good to the world.13

If the abandonment, neglect, abuse, or enmeshment continue, the next
feeling response will be anger. Dr. Steven Stosny describes the
physiological component of anger as the following: Anger comes from
a small region of the brain called the limbic system, also known as
the mammalian brain, because we share it with all mammals; is part
of the survival-based fight or flight instinct we share with all
mammals; mobilizes the organism for fighting the only emotion that
activates every muscle group and every organ of the body. The
chemicals secreted in the brain during anger arousal, epinephrine
and norepinephrine, feel much like an amphetamine and analgesicthey
numb pain and produce a surge of energy.14

Anger is a physiological response to danger and a psychological
response to hurt and pain. Psychologically, anger is always a
coverup for hurt and pain. If he expresses his anger, and his
parents allow him to do so in a constructive way, then he will be
able to heal his hurt and pain. If his family does not receive his
feelings of anger, or if he represses them, then he swallows the
hurt and pain. Feelings buried alive never die. Time does not heal
all wounds. It just buries them deeper.

Finally, he will develop many coping skills, defensive mechanisms,
and character armor to survive in an environment where his thoughts
and feelings go unheard and basic love needs go unmet. These coping
skills, defense mechanisms, and character armor then represent the
false self. These coping skills/defenses are based on his original
nature, his inherent God-given gifts. However, these gifts are used
for a dual purpose: 1) to mask the hurt, pain, guilt, and shame, and
2) to obtain the affection, affirmation, and acceptance never
perceived or received.

The layer of the false self contains the many masks he wears, the
dramas he plays, the character armor he puts on, and the defensive
mechanisms he uses to shield his wounded heart from further hurt and
pain. The problem is, no matter how hard he works to gain the scraps
of affection, affirmation, and acceptance he wants or needs, it will
never soothe his soul. The reason is that his behavior is driven by
a need for recognitionbeing loved for what he does, not for who he
is. A primal need we all possess is to be accepted for who we are,
not for what we do or what we look like.

I did not include approval on the list of three As, because approval
is behavior-based. It is okay if a parent, spouse, boss, coworker,
friend, or God does not approve of his behavior(s). Behavior has to
do with his doing, not his being. Therefore, he can still be loved
(for his being), even if someone does not approve of his behavior
(his doing).

The layers of the personality widen until he develops
illnesses/disorders. Many healers believe that most illnesses and
disorders have a psychological base, the result of a broken or lost
heart and negative attitudes and beliefs. He is syntonically
connected as each part affects the other: spirit, body, heart, and
mind. This is why recovering and discovering his child(ren) within
(both wounded and golden children) takes time. He must peel away the
layers, like an onion, one by one. He cannot move right into the
core of his being and blow up his personality. He must remove
defensive layers systematically and replace them with healthy ways
of being and behaving. When he has gained a sufficient sense of
self-worth from his relationship with God, self, and others, then he
can move deeper into the well of recovering his lost soul.

I use several techniques to help the individual get in touch with
past memories: inner-child drawing and dialogue, memory healing,
bioenergetics, core energetics, role-play, psychodrama, focusing,
and voice dialogue. In these ways, he will get in touch with lost or
repressed memories.

It is critical to understand the origins of the desires; otherwise,
mere behavioral attempts to control the homosexual drive will create
a lifetime of frustration and guilt. Getting to the root causes will
allow the defensive shields to come down and love to come in.
Without removing these barriers, other techniques will stand as a
superficial means of controlling thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

I believe in complete and total liberation of the soul. The man in
transition will at last find his way back home and be able to move
on with his psychosexual, psychological, and psychospiritual
development by discovering and healing the root causes, including:
wounding by the same-sex parent, wounding by a same-sex sibling,
body-image wounds, peer wounds, sexual abuse, divorce, or death of a
parent.

THIRD TASK: BEGINNING THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING,

FORGIVING, AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

The stages of healing in this task are recall, release, relief,
realize, and responsibility.

Recall: The first step is to recall the events that created the
same-sex detachment, such as wounding with the same-sex parent,
abuse, peer wounds, and sibling wounds.

Release: Next, he must begin the process of grieving. This may
consist of tears, rage, anger, laughter, and other emotions. If we
can feel it, then we can heal it. Without moving through the
feelings, the defensive blocks will remain in place and healing will
not occur.

Relief: After releasing the emotional toxicity, he will experience a
great sense of relief. The same-sex attractions are connected to the
wounds. When the walls come down, then love comes in, and the
individual experiences his gender identity.

Realize: After grieving the homo-emotional wounds and experiencing
relief, the individual realizes the need for forgivenessforgiving
self, others, and God. Forgiveness releases him from bitterness and
the need for revenge. When he holds onto his anger and resentments,
he will project those feelings onto other relationships, especially
those who want to be close to him. Furthermore, if he cannot
forgive, he still harbors unconscious guilt. Beneath the blame and
anger is the voice of his inner child, Its all my fault.

There are two kinds of forgiveness: one from the head and one from
the heart. The first kind of forgiveness is a decision one makes to
let go of the bitterness and pain. He gives the gift of forgiveness
to the one who hurt him. It is a conscious choice. The second kind
of forgiveness comes from the heart. It flows from understanding.
Finally, the wounded childs heart has been heard. Now he can see the
same woundedness in the heart of the one who either purposely or
unknowingly inflicted the wound. This second kind of forgiveness
occurs after grieving the losses of the past.

Forgiving does not mean that all the painful feelings will go away.
That takes time. Forgiveness takes place through many stages in
life. Healing is like peeling an onion. As he heals and grows, he
peels away the layers around his heart. The individual may
administer forgiveness at each new stage. A principle of growth is
that the closer he gets to others, the more he may hurt. Intimacy is
feared because of the original wounds that were experienced with
primary caregivers. Being close was not always safe and satisfying.
Within the context of intimate relationships, those primary hurts
will naturally resurface. That is why there are many stages of grief
and loss through which one must work.15

Forgiveness is a gift. It sets him free. It helps him let go of the
past and move into a brighter present and future, opening him up to
greater possibilities of love.

Responsibility: His mind is able to understand more clearly what
occurred after working through the process of grief and forgiveness.
Childhood core beliefs, which were developed in response to parents
and events, will now come into focus. He might believe, for example,
that I shouldnt say what I think or feel; otherwise, people will
reject me; Smile and be nice, dont show my feelings, because nobody
really cares; Dont trust men, they are all uncaring and unfeeling;
Im unwanted, and I dont belong here.

In this stage, he begins to see his part in the drama, how he could
have handled or perceived the situation differently, even as an
infant, child, or adolescent. Therefore, it is important for him to
identify his core beliefs and misinterpretations that led to his
feeling rejected or allowed him to allow others to hurt him as they
did. This may be a radical concept for many that I, as a child,
played an important role in how things occurred. This will become
clearer after having worked through the stages of grief and
forgiveness. Unless you have been there, this may be hard to
swallow. I know it was for me.

Once he identifies the distortions and misinterpretations, he
experiences an even greater freedom. He can let his parents, his
siblings, or the perpetrator off the hook. He sees how he helped
create his own defensive detachment and pushed the possibilities of
love out of his life, even as a child.

This final phase is extremely empowering and liberating. By taking
responsibility for his part in the drama, by understanding his
misinterpretations, he may stop blaming others and thereby begin
recreating himself as a whole man. Robert Bly speaks about making
two rooms in our heart for our father: The son who always knew about
his fathers cruel and destructive side will find it easy to furnish
one of these dark rooms. . . . But that very same son needs to build
a second room to house the generous and blessed side of his father.
. . . If we havent yet made two rooms, and furnished them, we cant
expect our father, living or dead, to move in. Those men who have
made both rooms inside their souls could begin to think of inviting
in a mentor. He will also need two rooms.16

FOURTH TASK: DEVELOPING HEALTHY, HEALING, SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS

That which was born out of broken, unhealthy relationships needs to
be healed in loving, nurturing relationships. Heterosexuality
blossoms after a person fulfills homo-emotional needs and
experiences gender identity. That is why marriage will never solve
same-sex attractions.

Heterosexual men and women are the transmitters of Gods love to help
provide homo-emotional love needs and successful bonding.17 Without
experiencing the true masculine or true feminine love from another
person, the individual in recovery lives a life of frustration and
yearning. Gods love is experienced through people. We must be true
and ideal parents for one another.

Men must heal with other men, and women must heal with other women.
Activities such as talking, walking, hiking, camping, fishing,
sports, and just being together will provide the environment in
which change may take place. In such a safe setting, in safe
relationships, the wounds of the past will emerge and healing will
occur.

Another therapeutic method I promote and teach is Mentoring. This is
like planting seeds after pulling weeds. I believe this is an
essential element for true, lasting, and organic healing to occur.
Mentoring is a profound relationship between two people: the mentor
and the adult-child. If you are a young man and you are not being
admired by an older man, you are being hurt.18 The mentor becomes
the surrogate father to the man in recovery. The mentor will be able
to provide the unmet homo-emotional love needs that the recovering
person never experienced in childhood or adolescence.

When they develop a deep bond, the adult-child may begin to get
angry and resistant. When he gets close to someone and starts
letting his walls down, primal emotions begin to emerge. Through
grieving with the mentor, the pains of his past will heal and
successful bonding will occur. It takes time to build trust. First
comes honesty: sharing himself with his mentor and feeling accepted.
Second comes trust: knowing the mentor will be there rather than run
away and judge him. Finally comes love: exposing the ugliest parts
to his mentor who still embraces and cares for him. These
relationships work, aided by prayer, patience, and persistence.

His defensive shields will break down and healthy bonding will occur
as he learns to trust the mentor. In this way, he fulfills
homo-emotional needs and experiences his gender identity. If the
same-sex parent is alive and willing to engage in this process, he
is the best person for the job. Coaching most parents in effective
ways to mentor their children is important.

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Three are: 1)
continuing all tasks of Stage Two; 2) discovering the root causes of
homo-emotional wounds; 3) beginning the process of grieving,
forgiving, and taking responsibility; and 4) developing healthy,
healing same-sex relationships.

Case History

Alex understood the root causes of his same-sex attractions and was
ready to face the past, heal the wounds, and fulfill unmet needs.
His sexual addictions to anonymous sex, male pornography, and
compulsive masturbation were no longer a part of his daily life. He
had friends, played sports, prayed and meditated, and had developed
a strong sense of his inherent value as a beloved son of God. He
practiced good communication skills in his personal and professional
life. Whenever someone spoke words that hurt him, he could either
take care of himself or he would share honestly with the other
person. Going straight is about being straight with self and others.

Now it was time to delve into the past. Through voice dialogue,
bioenergetics, and memory healing, we began to explore the pain Alex
experienced in relationship to his father and brother. Restoration
works in reverse to the way in which the original wounding occurred.

First, one must deal with the lesser wound before facing the more
profound wound. Alex sensed that, first, he needed to heal with
Jason. Through role-play and voice dialogue, he allowed his wounded
inner child to come forth and share with Jason how he felt when
attacked and beaten. Frozen tears and primal emotions were released
as Alexs inner child spoke about his pain. Why did you hit me? Why
did you beat me? I needed your love so bad, but all I felt was your
anger.

We also used bioenergetic exercises to allow his inner child to
express his anger and pain. I had him imagine Jason standing on the
other side of the pillows as he screamed, pounded, and eventually
took back his power. Alex had, in a most unhealthy manner, submitted
to Jason and his dad. He abdicated responsibility by shutting down
emotionally, thus becoming a victim. During several sessions, while
utilizing memory healing, Alex was able to grieve the loss of a
close relationship with his brother, experience relief, and
ultimately forgive Jason. Through bleeding his own wound, he was
able to see the common wounding in Jason, who was equally deficient
in experiencing healthy Fathers love. Through role-play, voice
dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, Alex was able to
reclaim a part of his masculinity.

Next, it was time to investigate his relationship with his father.
Alex allowed his inner child to share with his dad how he felt when
he was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused. Through role-play,
voice dialogue, bioenergetics, and memory healing, Alex grieved about the
pain and loss of Fathers love. Why werent you there for me? Where were
you? I needed you. Im not a sissy. Im a boy, and I am deserving of your
love. Alex pounded so hard, screaming, shouting, reclaiming his power,
and taking back the male energy he abandoned so many years ago. I am a
boy. I am a man. I am deserving of love. I wont take your verbal abuse
anymore. I give you back all your shame, all your name-calling, all your
fears and guilt.

Alex learned to stand in his power, transitioning from a victim to a
victor of love. As he let go of his anger, frustration, and pain, he
began to experience more power within himself. Through memory
healing, he was able to forgive his father and see the wounded child
within his dad. Realizing that his dad did not experience the warmth
and encouragement of his father, Alex was able to feel more
compassionate and forgiving toward him.

Simultaneous with this process of inner healing, Alex was being
mentored by an elder in his church. He met weekly with his mentor,
Rich. They spent time together sharing. Rich was a good listener and
a strong role model for Alex. When Alex was grieving, Rich would
hold him in his arms, allowing him to feel loved as he detoxed from
years of repressed anger and pain. Rich was very patient and loving
toward Alex. In this way, Alexs neurology was being reprogrammed.
The pain was being weeded out of his system and love was being
poured inpulling weeds and planting seeds. Alex and Rich also went
to games together, played ball, and took walks. Alex was making up
for all the times he had missed with his dad.

Alex also maintained close friendships with several guys from the
gym, his support group, and his church. He was able to freely share
with them what he was experiencing in his emotional and mental
reprocessing work. His support network surrounded him as he released
the past and reclaimed his masculinity. More and more, he felt
grounded in his power. His same-sex attractions waned now that he
experienced his own sense of gender identity.

Stage Four: Healing the Hetero-Emotional Wounds

(Psychodynamic Therapy)

In the last stage of recovery, the individual will address
hetero-emotional wounds. Again, as in Stage Three, the causes must
be identified, the wounds healed, and the unmet hetero-emotional
love needs fulfilled. The final task will be to learn about the
character differences of men and women.

In Stage Four, there are four tasks:

1. Continuing all the tasks of Stage Two

2. Discovering the root causes of hetero-emotional wounds

3. Continuing the process of grieving, forgiving, and taking
responsibility

4. Developing healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships, and
learning to understand and appreciate the opposite sex

FIRST TASK: CONTINUING ALL THE TASKS OF STAGE TWO

Work with the support network; continue to build self-worth and
experience value from God; continue building assertiveness,
communication, and problem-solving skills; and continue to identify
thoughts, feelings, and needs in the present.

SECOND TASK: DISCOVERING THE ROOT CAUSES OF HETERO-EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

Finally, and in some cases even more difficult, will be healing the
hetero-emotional wounds, i.e., unhealthy mother-son attachment,
unhealthy father-daughter attachment, sexual abuse by someone of the
opposite sex, women experiencing rejection by men, and men
experiencing rejection by women.

There may have been an excessive and/or abusive attachment between
the child and parent or significant person of the opposite sex.
Sometimes, the meaning of homosexuality is a flight from intimacy
with members of the opposite sex to avoid the profound trauma
experienced in infancy, childhood, or adolescence. Simple science
demonstrates that opposites attract and like polarities repel each
other. If a man feels repulsed by a woman, perhaps he is
overidentified with the feminine. As he increases his sense of
masculine identification, he will be attracted to his opposite, a
female. The purpose of life is to unify the masculine and feminine
within, creating a proper balance. It affects all of our behavior
and relationships if we are missing one part, or are at odds with
one part.19

The individual in recovery must uncover the root causes that prevent
him from relating intimately with someone of the opposite sex. He
must identify and heal these issues.

THIRD TASK: CONTINUING THE PROCESS OF GRIEVING, FORGIVING, AND
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

The stages of healing are recall, release, relief, realize, and
responsibility. The individual must work through hetero-emotional
wounds on an emotional level. Afterwards, he processes on an
intellectual level, taking personal responsibility for his part in
the drama.

FOURTH TASK: DEVELOPING HEALTHY, HEALING OPPOSITE-SEX RELATIONSHIPS,
AND LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE THE OPPOSITE SEX

In this phase, it may help to have a therapist of the opposite sex.
This will allow transference to occur, projecting repressed feelings
toward the opposite sex onto the therapist. This will expedite the
healing process. Healing the mother-son and father-daughter
relationship is crucial for successful transitioning into healthy
heterosexual relationships. The individual projects past resentments
onto the future spouse unless the wounds heal. This makes the spouse
constantly pay for the hurts and wounds received in the past. This
is happening in many heterosexual relationships, which is one reason
for the high rate of divorce.

To assist in this process, it is important for the individual to
establish healthy, healing, loving, nonsexual relationships with
members of the opposite sex. The best person for the job is the
mother or father. I recommend the use of Attachment/Holding Therapy
as taught by Dr. Martha Welch. My family and I did some healing
work with Dr. Welch. If I had experienced holding time with my
parents several decades ago, I would not have needed to process
through my thoughts and feelings with so many therapists and groups.
I could have taken care of them at the source, with my mom and dad.
If the parent is alive, I strongly recommend healing with him or
her, if they are willing to engage in the process. (A warning: It is
important to accept the fact that some parents are too unhealthy and
incapable of participating in the healing process. Trying to force
or coerce a parent into the healing process may rewound the
adult-child.)

In this final stage, it is also important for men to learn more
about women, and for women to learn more about men. The works of
Deborah Tannen, John Gottman, John Gray, Harville Hendrix, Pat Love,
Ellen Kreidman, Barbara De Angelis, Gary Smally, and others will
help the person in recovery better understand and appreciate the
opposite sex. If the man in recovery was close to his mother, and
more into his feminine nature, he knew women as a woman, not as a
man. The same holds true for the woman coming out of homosexuality.
She may have known men from a more masculine point of view, not from
a womans perspective. Therefore, it is important to learn about the
opposite sex in a healthy way, from ones own genders point of view.
This is a healthy and radical shift in perspective for the person in
recovery. If the son learns feeling primarily from the mother, then
he will probably see his own masculinity from the feminine point of
view as well. He may find his masculinity fascinating, but still
frightening. He may pity it and want to reform it, or he may be
suspicious of it and want to kill it. He may admire it, but he will
never feel at home with it.20 The converse is true as well. He will
see femininity from the eyes of a woman until he experiences his own
gender identity and then learns about women as a man.

Natural desires for opposite-sex relationships often emerge as he
experiences his gender identity, heals the hetero-emotional wounds,
and establishes healthy attachment relationships with members of the
opposite sex. A married man will experience greater intimacy with
his wife once he has healed the hetero-emotional wounds. The
individuals true gender identity will emerge after breaking down the
defensive detachments between men and men, women and women, men and
women, and women and men, bonding with both the same and opposite
sexes. Natural attractions and feelings for the opposite sex arise
out of this process of healing. There is no magic except for the
profound relationships of love that arise during this process of
transformation and the freedom experienced by lifting the walls of
detachment.

In summary, the four tasks to be accomplished in Stage Four are: 1)
continuing all the tasks of Stage Two; 2) discovering the root
causes of hetero-emotional wounds; 3) continuing the process of
grieving, forgiving, and taking responsibility; and 4) developing
healthy, healing opposite-sex relationships, and learning to
understand and appreciate the opposite sex.

Case History

Alex needed to work on his relationship with his mother. He had been
enmeshed with her since he could remember. (Enmeshed describes an
unhealthy attachment in an intimate relationship, whereby the proper
boundaries between Mother and son have been violated.) He was her
precious little boy, sweetheart, and substitute spouse. He carried
the scars of this unhealthy attachment through his adolescence and
adult life. He feared intimacy with women, afraid he would be
consumed by their demands. It was time to face the mother of his
past that lived deep within his soul. We used role-play,
psychodrama, inner-child healing, voice dialogue, bioenergetics,
memory healing, and holding therapy. In sessions, Alex debriefed
about how he felt when his mom would share her burdens with him.
Through role-play and bioenergetics, he expressed much sadness,
anger, and pain. In our support group, he created a psychodrama,
having different people play the roles of his mother, father,
brother, sisters, and himself. This was a very powerful method for
him to recall the family system and see what part he played in the
drama and how each family member must have felt.

Alex began a mentoring relationship with Elizabeth, Richs wife. In
this way, he began to know women from another perspective. Elizabeth
was neither clinging nor demanding. She simply embraced him and
allowed him to be a part of her and her husbands world. This was a
great healing for Alex. He had never experienced what it felt like
to be close to a woman in a nonthreatening way. His inner child was
scared and excited to know a woman without fear of being consumed by
her needs. Elizabeth was a very refreshing influence in Alexs new
life.

We arranged for Alexs parents and siblings to attend a holding
session that lasted all day. My wife helped me, as she does with
each holding session. In this way, both men and women feel
represented and safer. First, Alexs parents held each other. I had
them express how they thought and felt about one another, the good
points as well as the bad points. In the beginning, they were quite
superficial, playing the sweet and loving couple. Then, Jason, Alex,
and their sisters ganged up on each side of them and began
screaming, Stop acting so sweet. We know that each one of you is so
hurt by the other. Let it out and stop making us feel like we have
to take care of you! This was a wake-up call to Alexs mom and dad.
While holding her husband, his mother began to express years of pain
and disappointment. She cried and screamed how lonely she was while
he was out drinking. She told him how hurt she was that he had
neglected and abused the children. She mourned in his arms as all
the children were crying.

Next, it was Dads turn. Still an alcoholic, he was unable to access
his deeper feelings. For so many years, he had repressed his wounded
self. He recalled to his wife and children how his own father had
beat him senseless, day after day, year after year, and never gave
him one word of encouragement. He told them that he knew he had
failed them, but at least he didnt hurt them as badly as his father
had hurt him. They were all silent and shocked, as he had never
shared about his family before. They could see that he had masked
his own pain through alcohol and overworking.

We then had Mom and Dad hold the childrenfirst was Jason, then Becky
and Sarah. Finally, it was Alexs turn. He held with his dad. Alex
screamed and cried, as this was the first time for him to touch and
be touched by his father. He cried out, like a child, Dad, I missed
you my whole life. Do you think I wanted to have sex with other men?
I was always searching for you in their arms. I need you, Dad, I
need you. Where were you? Why did you always criticize me and call
me names? Please hold me and tell me that you love me. On and on he
went, letting his dad know how much he was hurt by his actions and
words. Alex did not want to let go of his dad since this was their
first bonding experience. His father apologized for his critical
nature and verbal abuse. He told Alex he was sorry that he had not
been a better dad. Finally, he told his son, I love you, Alex.

Then Alex held with his mother. He screamed and cried, telling her
how disgusted he was when she would share her misery with him. I
felt like your husband, not your son. Why did you share that crap
with me? I didnt want to know your pain; I just needed your love. I
never felt safe with you, only burdened and pained. He continued,
Mom, I am now establishing a new relationship with you. I need clear
boundaries. I do not want to hear about your pain, your problems,
and your issues. I am your son, not your friend. Please get a life.
Find others your own age who can help you. Thats not my role. Im
your son. I need you to care for me. Alex felt relieved after
sharing these thoughts, feelings, and needs with his mom.

She was deeply saddened by his sharing. She had no idea that he felt
so hurt and betrayed. She thought she had done the best for him and
the other children. She cried and apologized for any hurt she caused
her son. She told him that she loved him and that she would try not
to share her burdens with him. She then went into a poor me mode,
saying that no one is there for her. All the kids held her and
screamed, Mom, get a life. Find friends that can help and love you.
Stop leaning on us! This was very hard for her to hear.

Last, we had the kids hold each other and debrief about unresolved
issues they had with one another. Jason and the girls held and cried
as they recalled many episodes. Alex held with Jason and told him
how hurt and offended he was by the verbal and physical abuse.

Jason apologized, knowing that he had passed on to Alex what he felt
about his dad. They held each other, cried, and forgave one other.

I would like to say that they all lived happily ever after, but
change takes place over a period of time through practice, practice,
and practice. Alex had to keep reminding his mom not to share her
heartaches with him. He requested that his dad spend some time with
him. His father agreed and thus began a new phase in both of their
lives. Jason and Alex agreed to talk on the phone frequently,
getting to know one another as adults.

Alexs father was still emotionally unavailable, so Alex needed to
continue receiving from his male friends and mentors. He eventually
accepted the fact that his father could not give him all that he
needed. This realization created a peaceful state in his heart and
soul. No longer did he look to Dad for the love he was unable to
give. Alex saw his father for who he was and learned to be grateful
for what he could give. Alexs love for his father was now one of
gratitude and maturity.

Alex began dating. His attractions for women began to emerge after
healing the homo-emotional wounds and fulfilling the unmet needs.
After a year of dating several women, Alex met Christina. She was a
very lovely and open woman. He shared about his past and his healing
journey. She was very moved by his commitment to change, his
perseverance, and his deep faith in God. Eventually they married and
had two children. Now, Alex is a good father to his children and a
better husband than his father was able to be. Of course, the road
is not always easy, as shadows of the past reveal themselves.
However, Alex and Christina have tools to use as they work through
their respective issues. She, too, has done much healing work to
restore her past. They continue to grow individually, as a couple,
and as a family.

Alexs therapy lasted a little over three years. It took
approximately one year for him to break his addictive cycle. Through
that time period, he built a solid support network and learned many
skills to gain a better sense of self. Through the passageway of his
inner child, the wounds of his past emerged. Healing took place
through many methods, as I have already de-scribed. Alex experienced
his own gender identity as he removed the shields of detachment
between himself and his father and brother. His needs were fulfilled
through healthy male bonding. He learned more about women by being
mentored by a generous woman. Attachment/holding therapy with his
entire family helped create an opening to establish new
relationships with his father, mother, and siblings. Alex continues
to grow each day as a son of God, husband, father, and powerful man
in the world.

A brief note about the role of the therapist

This plan of healing out of homosexuality is not exactly a linear
model. During the first two stages, the individual may need to heal
from profound wounds of the past. Bringing relief to those wounds in
the early stages of healing is very important. However, it is vital
that the therapist encourage the client to develop a proper support
system that will provide the necessary holding environment while he
works through the four stages of recovery. I see the role of the
therapist as a guide, facilitator, midwife, teacher, mentor, and
parent. However, the therapist must direct the client through each
stage of recovery, assisting him in accomplishing the developmental
and social tasks at hand. The client will experience much
transference as a natural part of the therapeutic relationship.
However, the therapist should not be the main source of love or the
main mentor. The therapist must encourage the client to develop
healthy and healing relationships outside the context of therapy.

Conclusion

Of course, this description is very brief and simplistic. Healing
same-sex attractions is possible. I have done it, and I have
assisted many clients as well. Seeing individuals come to understand
the deeper meaning of their desires, and seeing them become freed
from those chains that bound them for years, is both moving and
gratifying. This process takes years. There is no quick fix in
matters of the heart.

One client came to me in desperation, having sought help from
psychiatrists and psychologists over twenty years of his life. No
one could relieve the pain lodged deep in his soul. No one could
help him stop acting out. After several initial sessions of
assessing his background, I took him back, through a deep state of
relaxation, to the key events that created his same-sex attractions.
Finally, he was able to face his father, grieve his losses, and
offer forgiveness. This was the breakthrough he long sought. He
said, A wall has been lifted, and his acting-out behaviors ceased
completely. He came to understand that the desires were merely a
cover-up for much deeper emotions that resulted from wounds he never
knew existed. Of course, this was an exceptional case, as most do
not heal so quickly. He also had done much therapy before our
sessions. Today, seven years have gone by and he is blossoming!

Understanding the origins of the homosexual condition is imperative
to aiding any man or woman who is trying to exit from this state of
dis-ease. I encourage all therapists to learn more about the process
of healing. To those who wish to change, please know that you are
not alone. You can do it.
_______________________________________________________________

Footnotes

Chapter FourProcess of Healing: Four Stages of Recovery
1. R. Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men (New York: Vintage Books,
1990), 7273.
2. E. Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic (Greenwood, SC:
Attic Press, 1983), 38.
3. Jan Frank, Stages of Recovery (Speech presented at PFOX Conference,
Fairfax, VA, March 7, 1998).
4. Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality
(Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson Inc., 1991), 199200.
5. Interview with Dr. Chrisopher Austin at the Family Life Center,
Austin, TX, December 9, 1999.
6. D. Byrd, Understanding and Treating Homosexuality, seminar
presented at the Therapeutic Seminar, Washington, D.C., March 13,
1998.
7. Walter Trobisch, Love Yourself (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity
Press, 1978), 89.
8. Irving Bieber et al., Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study of
Male Homosexuals (New York: Vintage Books, 1962), 220.
9. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 103104.
10. Douglas Weiss, The Final Freedom (Fort Worth, TX: Discovery Press,
1998), 34.
11. Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy, 34, 105.
12. E. Kaplan, Homosexuality: A Search for the Ego-Ideal, Archives of
General Psychiatry 16 (1967): 355358.
13. John Gray, What You Feel, You Can Heal (Mill Valley, CA: Heart
Publishing, 1984), 86.
14. Steven Stosny, Treatment Manual of the Compassion Workshop
(Gaithersburg, MD: Compassion Alliance, 1995), 17.
15. Granger Westberg, Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the
Problem of Loss (Philadelphia, PA: Fortress Press, 1973).
16. Bly, 118119.
17. Moberly, 4647.
18. Robert Moore, Rediscovering Masculine Potentials, four cassette
tapes (Wilmette, IL: Chiron, 1988).
19. John Pierrakos, Love, Eros, and Sex seminar (Seven Oaks Conference
Center, Madison, VA, December 7, 1996).
20. Bly, 25.

--
Damian J. Anderson <dam...@unification.net> http://www.unification.net

[Craig Maxim]

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Moonies Exposed - www.xmoonies.com
Craig Maxim - craig...@email.com
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

WARNING!

Richard Cohen has been a decades long follower of self-proclaimed messiah
Sun Myung Moon. Cohen was matched and married to a wife that Moon assigned
to him, sound like true love or Three Card Monty? Cohen's book is FILLED
with Unificationist terminology and ideology and deceptively promotes the
Moonie ideology. Last, but not least, his "theories" are absurd and
illogical. Let me only mention one, which incidentally is the main premise
of his whole work.....

Cohen actually believes that many men become homosexuals because they are
seeking a father's love through sex with men. In other words, because a man
does not grow up with his father, he often turns to homosexual sex as a
replacement. If this were true, then black males would be disproportionately
homosexual in nature to other races, as there is an epidemic in the black
community of absent fathers. There is, of course, no such statistics to
support that black males are overwhelmingly homosexual, in relation to the
single parent homes they often grow up in.

So much for Cohen's "Moonie science".

"Damian J. Anderson" <dam...@unification.net> wrote in message
news:Pine.LNX.4.04.101061...@www.unification.net...

[Polar Bear]

"Craig Maxim" <craig...@alltel.net> wrote in message news:<9gocal$hkk$1...@iac5.navix.net>...

> WARNING!
>
> Richard Cohen has been a decades long follower of self-proclaimed messiah
> Sun Myung Moon. Cohen was matched and married to a wife that Moon assigned
> to him, sound like true love or Three Card Monty? Cohen's book is FILLED
> with Unificationist terminology and ideology and deceptively promotes the
> Moonie ideology. Last, but not least, his "theories" are absurd and
> illogical. Let me only mention one, which incidentally is the main premise
> of his whole work.....
>
> Cohen actually believes that many men become homosexuals because they are
> seeking a father's love through sex with men. In other words, because a man
> does not grow up with his father, he often turns to homosexual sex as a
> replacement. If this were true, then black males would be disproportionately
> homosexual in nature to other races, as there is an epidemic in the black
> community of absent fathers. There is, of course, no such statistics to
> support that black males are overwhelmingly homosexual, in relation to the
> single parent homes they often grow up in.
>
> So much for Cohen's "Moonie science".

_________________________________________________________________

I remember Richard Cohen from the Unification Theological Seminary.
He was in the 1978-79 class, whereas I was in the 1979-80 class. I
therefore had an opportunity to become acquainted to him over the
course of about one year, though we were not close friends.

Cohen is here trying to overcompensate for his own latent homosexual
tendencies, which could be discerned from his general manner. Because
he is a believer in Moon's Divine Principle -- which rejects
homosexuality as unnatural (Unificationists disparage it as a "Chapter
One problem", by which they mean Chapter One of the Divine Principle,
which spins an elaborate Taoist philosophy of inner-outer,
male-female, stamen-pistil dichotomies) -- Cohen feels compelled to go
to extraordinary lengths to distance himself from his own tendencies.
Because he fears these feelings so greatly, he can never be content
until he has exposed their alleged error repeatedly, over and over
again, through his writings and other works.

This is a common reaction from people who greatly fear something.
Another example would be Jonathan Wells who, for his part, greatly
fears the direction his scientific nature would take him if he truly
listened to it. Being a lover of science -- which effectively exposes
the mythical nature of Biblical views on the origin of species --
Wells is also in a contradictory position. In each case, listening to
their inner tendency would push them to the point where they might
betray the Divine Principle and leave the Unification Movement.
Because they have been indoctrinated with irrational phobias which
make them believe that terrible consequences would flow from leaving
the Unification Movement, they are forced to fritter away their lives
fighting a chimera: in Cohen's case, a desperate battle to prove that
homosexuality is all in the mind; and in Wells' case, that Darwin's
theories are false.

Sun Myung Moon has taken two intelligent, capable men and so
completely twisted them inside that they must spend their lives
building a monument to foolishness. What a waste.

Sincerely, K. Gordon Neufeld

[Eric B. Richardson]

In article <9gocal$hkk$1...@iac5.navix.net>,
"Craig Maxim" <craig...@alltel.net> wrote:

>--------------------------------------
Unificationism revealed--
http://www.unification.net
http://www.Tparents.org/
http://dpcopy.tripod.com/
http://members.tripod.com/~jho2/
Questions: Damian Anderson dam...@unification.net
Eric Richardson lby...@home.com
--------------------------------------
> WARNING!

Oh! My God! Is someone in danger?

No, it's just Craig again.

>
> Richard Cohen has been a decades long follower of self-proclaimed messiah
> Sun Myung Moon. Cohen was matched and married to a wife that Moon assigned
> to him, sound like true love or Three Card Monty? Cohen's book is FILLED
> with Unificationist terminology and ideology and deceptively promotes the
> Moonie ideology. Last, but not least, his "theories" are absurd and
> illogical. Let me only mention one, which incidentally is the main premise
> of his whole work.....

Wow, Craig, can this possibly get anymore hysterically bigoted?

First, you are going to discredit all the work of Mr. Cohen, merely
because he once listened to and followed Rev. Moon, and then neglect to
tell anyone that he has not been closely affiliated with Rev. Moon for
several years and in fact is much more closely affiliated with a number
of Christian organizations.

Then you imply that because he met his wife, the mother of his children,
through an introduction by Rev. Moon, that that also automatically
discredits his work and opinion. Then you make an additional ad hominem
attack on him implying that his marriage is a sham ('three card monty')
because of how he met his wife of now 20 years. You of course imply that
probably the many of the marriages in the world are shams then, since
probably most are still arranged.

Then you go on to say that his book "is FILLED with Unificationist

terminology and ideology and deceptively promotes the Moonie ideology."

How about some specific examples Craig? I doubt you will do it because
most people will see that what you are labelling such are really
principles and ideals that are nearly universal, but which you can't see
as universal because of your own bigotry and hatred. Indeed on reading
this excerpt, I cannot find anything of the kind.

Nor on quick perusal do I see him make this point by which you seek to
discredit his work, but I will point out your fallacy in it anyway:

>
> Cohen actually believes that many men become homosexuals because they are
> seeking a father's love through sex with men.

And what would you use to counter Cohen's arguments? Try dealing with
the specifics, not with your logical fallacy/distortion below:

> In other words, because a man
> does not grow up with his father, he often turns to homosexual sex as a
> replacement. If this were true, then black males would be disproportionately
> homosexual in nature to other races, as there is an epidemic in the black
> community of absent fathers. There is, of course, no such statistics to
> support that black males are overwhelmingly homosexual, in relation to the
> single parent homes they often grow up in.

Mr. Cohen does not say that having an absent father is the cause of
homosexuality, Craig. He identifies the absence of a father's love as
being a common element among many homosexual men. He suggests that
coming to terms with that helps many men who seek to regain their innate
heterosexuality to do so.

He does not say, as you imply that most homosexuals have this as the
cause of their homosexuality, only that many, not most, have this common
element in their experience. He does not say even, that this experience
makes men more likely to be homosexuals, which is the point from which
you try to make your discrediting argument.

Of course, even if he did make such an argument, your proof that that is
wrong is that there are no statistics showing that homosexuality is
increasing in the African American population of men that have absent
fathers. But then, you have no statistics showing that it hasn't
increased, do you?

But it doesn't matter, because you make the first logical error in
arguing from a point that Mr. Cohen never made. It is very typical of
most of your propaganda efforts.

>
> So much for Cohen's "Moonie science".

You are really coming off as hysterical in your bigotry.

--
When someone is invaded by Satan, he loses all spiritual support
and inspiration.  Trust in God, as well as a sense of gratitude
to Him, is lost. One begins to see everything through human eyes.