Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than 0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons for ironic exploration.
It is the first generally available device certified to detect irony at the trace levels encountered in much Internet communication, while the autoclamping pulse reaction system will safely shut down the meter at levels above 10 kHo. No damage will result to the meter or the operator with fields up to 1MHo, (unless contained in a resistivity network with a Grue factor of > 3.3 MHo/mMho/m -- please contact your local sales office for options).
This is due in large part to new SQUIFFI sensor technology licensed from the Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. The Superconducting Quantum Inference Field Incredulity device at the heart of the Mark V is the first time the fundamental physical effect of quantum incredulity has been used in commercial equipment. In brief, the interface between objective and subjective reality constantly generates and destroys virtual quark-live particles (quarticles) that are highly sensitive to spin which is neither beautiful nor charming.
When placed in a field where there is a very high differential between what is stated and what is so, these quarticles become agitated and give off characteristic energetic radiation (in quantum physical terms they start to 'smell', although of course this is in no way the same as our experience of smell.) In a SQUIFFI these smells are detected by a supercooled giant magnetoresistive head, which then performs contextual analysis. If this indicates true irony is present the head shakes sadly and smiles to itself, making little 'tut tut' noises. This triggers the digital counter/timer unit. Note that this system works well when high levels of stupidity, pomposity or sanctimoniousness are also present -- commonly encounted conditions that have caused previous generations of irony detectors to saturate, implode or break down in tears.
Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
ENDS
Notes:
'Science First' , 'Beer Even More First', 'The Bible Bashers' and the Lino device are registered trade marks and intellectual property of Line Noise Laboratories
Use of the Mark V is NOT supported in Kansas, and stated resolution, sensitivity and safety limits do not apply. Line Noise Laboratories does not accept liability for misuse of any device. Use in Kansas is automatically defined as misuse (see: The Estate of Dr Parker v Line Noise Labs, 478 U.S. 675).
> Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony > Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices > of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, > it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from > very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than > 0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of > technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and > our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons > for ironic exploration.
> It is the first generally available device certified to detect irony at the > trace levels encountered in much Internet communication, while the > autoclamping pulse reaction system will safely shut down the meter at levels > above 10 kHo. No damage will result to the meter or the operator with fields > up to 1MHo, (unless contained in a resistivity network with a Grue factor of > > 3.3 MHo/mMho/m -- please contact your local sales office for options).
> This is due in large part to new SQUIFFI sensor technology licensed from the > Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. The Superconducting > Quantum Inference Field Incredulity device at the heart of the Mark V is the > first time the fundamental physical effect of quantum incredulity has been > used in commercial equipment. In brief, the interface between objective and > subjective reality constantly generates and destroys virtual quark-live > particles (quarticles) that are highly sensitive to spin which is neither > beautiful nor charming.
> When placed in a field where there is a very high differential between what is > stated and what is so, these quarticles become agitated and give off > characteristic energetic radiation (in quantum physical terms they start to > 'smell', although of course this is in no way the same as our experience of > smell.) In a SQUIFFI these smells are detected by a supercooled giant > magnetoresistive head, which then performs contextual analysis. If this > indicates true irony is present the head shakes sadly and smiles to itself, > making little 'tut tut' noises. This triggers the digital counter/timer unit. > Note that this system works well when high levels of stupidity, pomposity or > sanctimoniousness are also present -- commonly encounted conditions that have > caused previous generations of irony detectors to saturate, implode or break > down in tears.
> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and > rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
> ENDS
> Notes:
> 'Science First' , 'Beer Even More First', 'The Bible Bashers' and the Lino > device are registered trade marks and intellectual property of Line Noise > Laboratories
> Use of the Mark V is NOT supported in Kansas, and stated resolution, > sensitivity and safety limits do not apply. Line Noise Laboratories does not > accept liability for misuse of any device. Use in Kansas is automatically > defined as misuse (see: The Estate of Dr Parker v Line Noise Labs, 478 U.S. > 675).
Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing.
Also, has this device actually been tested with input from talk.origins?
Rupert, do you have the email for LNL's customer support? It happens that they did a marketing pre-release here in Japan, and I picked up my Mark V yesterday. It's OK on most of the newsgroups I subscribe to, but whenever I try it here in TO it sucks so much power all my breakers go. I tried slipping a penny into the fuse housing, but that didn't work. I wonder if I might have to put in two cents.
It doesn't say in the documentation whether you need a dedicated line from the power company to avoid this problem.
On the other hand, that puce casing looks great on my desk sitting there among all the scorch marks from previous irony meters.
Rupert Goodwins wrote in message <3b1b75ac.5012...@news.blueyonder.co.uk>... >Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists:
>Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony >Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices >of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, >it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from >very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than >0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of >technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and >our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons >for ironic exploration.
>> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, >> autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure >> reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and >> self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
>> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth >> and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black. >Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing.
>Also, has this device actually been tested with input from talk.origins?
Price is important but I'd like to know if the software is Windows and/or Linux compatible. I assume it won't run on a Macintosh since the resulting feed-back loop would fry any irony meter.
> >> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > >> autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > >> reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > >> self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
> >> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth > >> and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
> >Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing.
> >Also, has this device actually been tested with input from talk.origins?
> Price is important but I'd like to know if the software is Windows > and/or Linux compatible. I assume it won't run on a Macintosh since the > resulting feed-back loop would fry any irony meter.
That shows just how ignorant you are of Macs. As we cognoscenti know, well-designed Mac irony meters divert the energy from those posts that would make a Windows-based meter blow up into a power source for all the candy-colored widgets in the user interface, so we just get a really cosmic light show instead. No smoke and and scorch marks on the table top for us -- just swirling colors and pulsing paisley screens, a little short term memory loss, and a bit of a headache in the morning.
On 4 Jun 2001 09:28:38 -0400, "crwydryn" <ke...@remove.canada.com> wrote:
>Rupert, do you have the email for LNL's customer support? It happens that >they did a marketing pre-release here in Japan, and I picked up my Mark V >yesterday. It's OK on most of the newsgroups I subscribe to, but whenever I >try it here in TO it sucks so much power all my breakers go. I tried >slipping a penny into the fuse housing, but that didn't work. I wonder if I >might have to put in two cents.
Alas, no. Due to a small and entirely atypical lack of communication between marketing, engineering and production, the marcom and support division started a major reorganisation - in order to offer you a better service - at exactly the same time as the new product was launched. The website is also down for redesign, but as soon as new contact numbers and details are available I'll pass them on.
You shouldn't be experiencing that power surge problem -- high field strengths actually use less power to measure, due to regenerative shunting, and can even turn the Mark V into a useful source of electrical energy. Have you checked to see whether the lights in your neighbourhood are glowing more brightly when you're on t.o.?
>It doesn't say in the documentation whether you need a dedicated line from >the power company to avoid this problem.
No, this is an experimental feature and, if anything, you might need to put in an extra line TO the power utility.
>On the other hand, that puce casing looks great on my desk sitting there >among all the scorch marks from previous irony meters.
Puce was the subject of some argument (and indirectly the reason for the marcom reorganisation). I'll pass on your comments, if^H^H when I meet up with Senor Alvarez von Ulm, the director of aesthetics at Lino.
>Rupert Goodwins wrote in message <3b1b75ac.5012...@news.blueyonder.co.uk>... >>Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists:
>>Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V >Irony >>Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the >auspices >>of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) >program, >>it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration >from >>very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better >than >>0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of >>technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality >and >>our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons >>for ironic exploration.
>> >> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, >> >> autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure >> >> reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and >> >> self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
>> >> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth >> >> and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
>> >Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing.
As I mentioned in my reply to Kevyn, there is a small hiccough in marcoms at the moment. In any case, as part of Lino's commitment to service and customer satisfaction, the company never makes retail or wholesale prices available, nor will it ever comment on or in any way acknowledge any prices that may be obtained (*). Suffice it to say that prices in your territory will be optimally set and you should ask your distributor. Nicely.
>> >Also, has this device actually been tested with input from talk.origins?
It is one of R&D's most important sources of irony.
>> Price is important but I'd like to know if the software is Windows >> and/or Linux compatible. I assume it won't run on a Macintosh since the >> resulting feed-back loop would fry any irony meter.
As has been mentioned, the Mark V is auto-calibrating. All computers exhibit some degree of irony, due mostly to aspects of their design as 'productivity enhancers'. The Mark V uses industry standard interfaces such as Ethernet (made better than that of any of our competitors by upping the speed to 23.43 Mbps) on the physical layer, and will automatically identify the computer or network to which it is connected by forensic port scanning. As this cannot be incorrect, no facility is needed to manually enter this data. The Mark V has been tested on maximally-ironic configurations (ie, a DOS emulator running on top of an Alpha Linux system) and will null out any residual equipment irony during self-calibration.
>That shows just how ignorant you are of Macs. As we cognoscenti know, >well-designed Mac irony meters divert the energy from those posts that >would make a Windows-based meter blow up into a power source for all the >candy-colored widgets in the user interface, so we just get a really >cosmic light show instead. No smoke and and scorch marks on the table >top for us -- just swirling colors and pulsing paisley screens, a little >short term memory loss, and a bit of a headache in the morning.
This will be an option as soon as we get approval from the FDA, and is already available in Mexico and the Netherlands.
>-- >pz
R
(* -- Yes, IBM actually told me once that it would on no account tell me the price of a portable computer I was reviewing for a magazine. It would only tell distributors, and I wasn't a disty. I asked a distributor. It would only tell dealers, and I wasn't a dealer. I asked a dealer. It would only tell bona fide potential customers, and... well, you get the picture. Everybody *wanted* to tell me the price, you understand, but rules -- always made by someone else -- forbade it. Terribly sorry.
Both I and my editor attempted to get the great company secret -- how much the computer cost -- out of the system for days. We failed and had to run the review without prices.)
>>> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous >>> armoured, autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof >>> core system to assure reliable, repeatable results in even the >>> most bombastic and self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. >>> Kansas. See notes)
>>> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, >>> Bluetooth and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber >>> and Bible Black.
>> Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing. > Price is important but I'd like to know if the software is > Windows and/or Linux compatible. I assume it won't run on a > Macintosh since the resulting feed-back loop would fry any irony > meter.
That's because of the interference of Jobs' Reality Distorion Field (tm) which is embedded in every iMac -- how else could anyone consider a toy computer in a see-through plastic case an innovation.
>On 4 Jun 2001 09:28:38 -0400, "crwydryn" <ke...@remove.canada.com> wrote:
>>Rupert, do you have the email for LNL's customer support? It happens that >>they did a marketing pre-release here in Japan, and I picked up my Mark V >>yesterday. It's OK on most of the newsgroups I subscribe to, but whenever I >>try it here in TO it sucks so much power all my breakers go. I tried >>slipping a penny into the fuse housing, but that didn't work. I wonder if I >>might have to put in two cents.
>Alas, no. Due to a small and entirely atypical lack of communication between >marketing, engineering and production, the marcom and support division started >a major reorganisation - in order to offer you a better service - at exactly >the same time as the new product was launched. The website is also down for >redesign, but as soon as new contact numbers and details are available I'll >pass them on.
atypical? You forget, I live in Japan, the land of irrational bureaucracy. Par for the course, I fear.
>You shouldn't be experiencing that power surge problem -- high field strengths >actually use less power to measure, due to regenerative shunting, and can even >turn the Mark V into a useful source of electrical energy. Have you checked to >see whether the lights in your neighbourhood are glowing more brightly when >you're on t.o.?
What was I thinking! This completely explains everything, including the strange coloured lights - clearly the build-up of excess irony in the Mark V's casing has been causing VanDerGraaf discharges and ball lightning in my house. At least that's what I'll tell my fiancee when she gets home...And your detailed explanation of just how the Mark V works explains the strange smell in my kitchen which I have been assuming came from tofu I left on the counter overnight, but clearly is a quantum effect.
>>It doesn't say in the documentation whether you need a dedicated line from >>the power company to avoid this problem.
>No, this is an experimental feature and, if anything, you might need to put in >an extra line TO the power utility.
Ah, that explains the trouble I had understanding the grounding instructions and the caution labels referring to transformers.
>>On the other hand, that puce casing looks great on my desk sitting there >>among all the scorch marks from previous irony meters.
>Puce was the subject of some argument (and indirectly the reason for the >marcom reorganisation). I'll pass on your comments, if^H^H when I meet up with >Senor Alvarez von Ulm, the director of aesthetics at Lino.
Yeah, but how about paisley? What good is puce if you can't get puce paisley?
>As has been mentioned, the Mark V is auto-calibrating. All computers exhibit >some degree of irony, due mostly to aspects of their design as 'productivity >enhancers'.
After reading this I opened mine up to check, and I have to say that the little shiny bits on the processor thingy seem more goldy, or maybe coppery (can't really tell in this light) rather than irony, so maybe that's part of my problem with the Mark V?
> >> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > >> autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > >> reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > >> self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
> >> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth > >> and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
> >Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing.
> >Also, has this device actually been tested with input from talk.origins?
> Price is important but I'd like to know if the software is Windows > and/or Linux compatible. I assume it won't run on a Macintosh since the > resulting feed-back loop would fry any irony meter.
> Larry Moran
Just be sure to first uninstall Microsoft Works and Access. -Floyd
Rupert Goodwins <Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk> wrote: > Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists:
This sounds really great, especially since my last encounter with George Hammond slagged my Mark IV. I do have a couple of questions below.
> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
How does the core shielding stand up to extremely high bogon particle counts? Users here at talk.origins often subject their systems to counts in excess of a gigabogon per post (or as it is now called, one Conrad). Earlier models' shielding tended to break down at these ultra-high bogon levels.
> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and > rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
Which rectal implant interface is supported? Is it the industry standard NMA tube, or does it also suport the newer rhinorectal interface we have been seeing from the latest batch of Ken Ham supporters?
> Notes: > 'Beer Even More First',
While "Knowledge, Wisdom, Beer" is the best known motto of the U. of E., this too is a Registered Service Mark of the U. of E. Following an exhortation by the Dean to incease revenue through patent and trade mark infringement lawsuits (an important source of all university endowment funds) a committee meeting was held at the Panda's thumb. Following this exhausting commmittee work, a total of 643 reasonably legible slogans containing the word "beer" were transcribed from soggy beer coasters ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hresearch notes by Wanda, the clerical department, and registered with the feds.
Should Line Noise Labs wish to avoid costly litigation over this issue, a modest donation to the Dean's Fund should be made before our General Counsel makes bail.
-- H. Brent Howatt |The deluded are always filled with absolutes bhow...@diespam.humboldt1.com |The rest of us have to live with ambiguity PGP key by email or keyserver | _Aristoi_ Walter Jon Williams =========================================================================== ==
In article <3b1b75ac.5012...@news.blueyonder.co.uk>,
Rupert Goodwins <Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk> wrote: >Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists:
>Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony >Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices >of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, >it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from >very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than >0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of
Someone remind me, What's the conversion between Holdens & Conrads?
>Rupert Goodwins <Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk> wrote: >> Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists:
>This sounds really great, especially since my last encounter with George >Hammond slagged my Mark IV. I do have a couple of questions below.
>> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, >> autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure >> reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and >> self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
>How does the core shielding stand up to extremely high bogon particle >counts? Users here at talk.origins often subject their systems to counts >in excess of a gigabogon per post (or as it is now called, one Conrad). >Earlier models' shielding tended to break down at these ultra-high bogon >levels.
Although high bogon density is a challenge, the Supercooled Giant Magnetoresistive Head is heavily doped with samarium cobalt jackdanielide and even at multiple Conrads merely reacts by a 'Maaaan, that's whacked out'. The digital counter/timer circuits then calculate a neutralising factor, enabling even quite low levels of irony to be accurately measured under such conditions.
Line Noise Laboratories do have a research programme underway on bogon/irony interaction, and you may encounter a slightly higher Ed count on t.o. for a while. Apologies for any inconvenience or incandescence to owners of less advanced irony meters, and the marketing department would like to make it absolutely clear that they are in no way involved with this one. Or they would, if we could find them.
>> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and >> rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
>Which rectal implant interface is supported? Is it the industry standard >NMA tube, or does it also suport the newer rhinorectal interface we have >been seeing from the latest batch of Ken Ham supporters?
A universal coupler is supplied, which can be adapted to requirements. Ken Ham's tribe is particularly tricky, as the implanter has to be sure not to disturb the lips, tongue, epiglottis and vocal chords which are frequently found thereabouts. We recommend setting 17a, full dilation, and grinding paste.
>While "Knowledge, Wisdom, Beer" is the best known motto of the U. of E., >this too is a Registered Service Mark of the U. of E. Following an >exhortation by the Dean to incease revenue through patent and trade mark >infringement lawsuits (an important source of all university endowment >funds) a committee meeting was held at the Panda's thumb. Following this >exhausting commmittee work, a total of 643 reasonably legible slogans >containing the word "beer" were transcribed from soggy beer coasters >^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hresearch notes by Wanda, the clerical department, and >registered with the feds.
>Should Line Noise Labs wish to avoid costly litigation over this issue, a >modest donation to the Dean's Fund should be made before our General >Counsel makes bail.
I fear that the marketing department may already be in a position to discuss this first-hand with your GC.
>-- >H. Brent Howatt |The deluded are always filled with absolutes >bhow...@diespam.humboldt1.com |The rest of us have to live with ambiguity >PGP key by email or keyserver | _Aristoi_ Walter Jon Williams >========================================================================== ===
Rupert Goodwins <Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk> wrote: > Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists: > Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony > Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices > of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, > it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from > very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than > 0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of > technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and > our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons > for ironic exploration. > It is the first generally available device certified to detect irony at the > trace levels encountered in much Internet communication, while the > autoclamping pulse reaction system will safely shut down the meter at levels > above 10 kHo. No damage will result to the meter or the operator with fields > up to 1MHo, (unless contained in a resistivity network with a Grue factor of > > 3.3 MHo/mMho/m -- please contact your local sales office for options). > This is due in large part to new SQUIFFI sensor technology licensed from the > Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. The Superconducting > Quantum Inference Field Incredulity device at the heart of the Mark V is the > first time the fundamental physical effect of quantum incredulity has been > used in commercial equipment. In brief, the interface between objective and > subjective reality constantly generates and destroys virtual quark-live > particles (quarticles) that are highly sensitive to spin which is neither > beautiful nor charming. > When placed in a field where there is a very high differential between what is > stated and what is so, these quarticles become agitated and give off > characteristic energetic radiation (in quantum physical terms they start to > 'smell', although of course this is in no way the same as our experience of > smell.) In a SQUIFFI these smells are detected by a supercooled giant > magnetoresistive head, which then performs contextual analysis. If this > indicates true irony is present the head shakes sadly and smiles to itself, > making little 'tut tut' noises. This triggers the digital counter/timer unit. > Note that this system works well when high levels of stupidity, pomposity or > sanctimoniousness are also present -- commonly encounted conditions that have > caused previous generations of irony detectors to saturate, implode or break > down in tears. > Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes) > A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and > rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black. > ENDS > Notes: > 'Science First' , 'Beer Even More First', 'The Bible Bashers' and the Lino > device are registered trade marks and intellectual property of Line Noise > Laboratories > Use of the Mark V is NOT supported in Kansas, and stated resolution, > sensitivity and safety limits do not apply. Line Noise Laboratories does not > accept liability for misuse of any device. Use in Kansas is automatically > defined as misuse (see: The Estate of Dr Parker v Line Noise Labs, 478 U.S. > 675).
> > Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V > > Irony Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under > > the auspices of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing > > Horribleness (GISH) program, it incorporates the latest in digital > > technology for accurate mensuration from very low levels to high-density > > irony field environments (accuracy better than 0.5% from 0.1 microHolden > > to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of technological firsts with > > Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and our Science First > > (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons for ironic > > exploration.
> > It is the first generally available device certified to detect irony at > > the trace levels encountered in much Internet communication, while the > > autoclamping pulse reaction system will safely shut down the meter at > > levels above 10 kHo. No damage will result to the meter or the operator > > with fields up to 1MHo, (unless contained in a resistivity network with > > a Grue factor of > 3.3 MHo/mMho/m -- please contact your local sales > > office for options).
> > This is due in large part to new SQUIFFI sensor technology licensed from > > the Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. The > > Superconducting Quantum Inference Field Incredulity device at the heart > > of the Mark V is the first time the fundamental physical effect of > > quantum incredulity has been used in commercial equipment. In brief, the > > interface between objective and subjective reality constantly generates > > and destroys virtual quark-live particles (quarticles) that are highly > > sensitive to spin which is neither beautiful nor charming.
> > When placed in a field where there is a very high differential between > > what is stated and what is so, these quarticles become agitated and give > > off characteristic energetic radiation (in quantum physical terms they > > start to 'smell', although of course this is in no way the same as our > > experience of smell.) In a SQUIFFI these smells are detected by a > > supercooled giant magnetoresistive head, which then performs contextual > > analysis. If this indicates true irony is present the head shakes sadly > > and smiles to itself, making little 'tut tut' noises. This triggers the > > digital counter/timer unit. Note that this system works well when high > > levels of stupidity, pomposity or sanctimoniousness are also present -- > > commonly encounted conditions that have caused previous generations of > > irony detectors to saturate, implode or break down in tears.
> > Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > > autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > > reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > > self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
> > A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth > > and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
> > ENDS
> > Notes:
> > 'Science First' , 'Beer Even More First', 'The Bible Bashers' and the Lino > > device are registered trade marks and intellectual property of Line Noise > > Laboratories
> > Use of the Mark V is NOT supported in Kansas, and stated resolution, > > sensitivity and safety limits do not apply. Line Noise Laboratories does not > > accept liability for misuse of any device. Use in Kansas is automatically > > defined as misuse (see: The Estate of Dr Parker v Line Noise Labs, 478 U.S. > > 675).
> I want one.
> ---- Paul J. Gans
I want *six*. Can you get them in black leather?
Can you run these things through a PA system? I'd like to filter out the heavy duty irony (around 1kHo through to 1MHo) in meetings as well. -- John Wilkins, Head, Communication Services, The Walter and Eliza Hall Institute of Medical Research, Melbourne, Australia Homo homini aut deus aut lupus - Erasmus of Rotterdam <http://www.users.bigpond.com/thewilkins/darwiniana.html>
In article <HIOS6.1266$j04.212...@nnrp.gol.com>, "crwydryn" <ke...@remove.canada.com> wrote: >Rupert Goodwins wrote in message ><3b1ba922.18187...@news.blueyonder.co.uk>...
>>As has been mentioned, the Mark V is auto-calibrating. All computers >exhibit >>some degree of irony, due mostly to aspects of their design as >'productivity >>enhancers'.
>After reading this I opened mine up to check, and I have to say that the >little shiny bits on the processor thingy seem more goldy, or maybe coppery >(can't really tell in this light) rather than irony, so maybe that's part of >my problem with the Mark V?
Mine automatically crashes when I try to syncronize it with Window ME! A call to the support techs got me nowhere .. they said it was just doing its job!
BTW ... getting them, with your laptop, through airport security is a bitch! Not only does the machine set of their alarms, their "security" sets off the machine!
Mr Science <knowledg...@power.com> wrote: > In article <HIOS6.1266$j04.212...@nnrp.gol.com>, "crwydryn" <ke...@remove.canada.com> wrote: > >Rupert Goodwins wrote in message > ><3b1ba922.18187...@news.blueyonder.co.uk>...
> >>As has been mentioned, the Mark V is auto-calibrating. All computers > >exhibit > >>some degree of irony, due mostly to aspects of their design as > >'productivity > >>enhancers'.
> >After reading this I opened mine up to check, and I have to say that the
voiding the warranty
> >little shiny bits on the processor thingy seem more goldy, or maybe coppery > >(can't really tell in this light) rather than irony, so maybe that's part of > >my problem with the Mark V?
> Mine automatically crashes when I try to syncronize it with Window ME! > A call to the support techs got me nowhere .. they said it was just doing its > job!
> BTW ... getting them, with your laptop, through airport security is a bitch! > Not only does the machine set of their alarms, their "security" sets off the > machine!
Raises an interesting question - how do you ship them? Any carrier that promises delivery in a certain time period must automatically trigger them. Do you use some kind of irony-shielding? -- John Wilkins, Head, Communication Services, The Walter and Eliza Hall Institute of Medical Research, Melbourne, Australia Homo homini aut deus aut lupus - Erasmus of Rotterdam <http://www.users.bigpond.com/thewilkins/darwiniana.html>
>Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony >Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices >of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, >it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from >very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than >0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of >technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and >our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons >for ironic exploration.
>It is the first generally available device certified to detect irony at the >trace levels encountered in much Internet communication, while the >autoclamping pulse reaction system will safely shut down the meter at levels >above 10 kHo. No damage will result to the meter or the operator with fields >up to 1MHo, (unless contained in a resistivity network with a Grue factor of > >3.3 MHo/mMho/m -- please contact your local sales office for options).
>This is due in large part to new SQUIFFI sensor technology licensed from the >Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. The Superconducting >Quantum Inference Field Incredulity device at the heart of the Mark V is the >first time the fundamental physical effect of quantum incredulity has been >used in commercial equipment. In brief, the interface between objective and >subjective reality constantly generates and destroys virtual quark-live >particles (quarticles) that are highly sensitive to spin which is neither >beautiful nor charming.
>When placed in a field where there is a very high differential between what is >stated and what is so, these quarticles become agitated and give off >characteristic energetic radiation (in quantum physical terms they start to >'smell', although of course this is in no way the same as our experience of >smell.) In a SQUIFFI these smells are detected by a supercooled giant >magnetoresistive head, which then performs contextual analysis. If this >indicates true irony is present the head shakes sadly and smiles to itself, >making little 'tut tut' noises. This triggers the digital counter/timer unit. >Note that this system works well when high levels of stupidity, pomposity or >sanctimoniousness are also present -- commonly encounted conditions that have >caused previous generations of irony detectors to saturate, implode or break >down in tears.
>Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, >autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure >reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and >self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
>A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and >rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
>ENDS
>Notes:
>'Science First' , 'Beer Even More First', 'The Bible Bashers' and the Lino >device are registered trade marks and intellectual property of Line Noise >Laboratories
>Use of the Mark V is NOT supported in Kansas, and stated resolution, >sensitivity and safety limits do not apply. Line Noise Laboratories does not >accept liability for misuse of any device. Use in Kansas is automatically >defined as misuse (see: The Estate of Dr Parker v Line Noise Labs, 478 U.S. >675).
"Morris is saying that it is not possible to be a ("consistent") Christian if you don't accept his conclusion that Genesis 1-2 (and everything else) is true in a literal, non-poetic, unimaginative sense. I say that it is not worth being a Christian if you don't believe that God has a better imagination than Henry Morris." --Paul Neubauer
"If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James Watt's office. --Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
> On 4 Jun 2001 08:41:39 -0400, Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk (Rupert > Goodwins) wrote:
> Blah, Blah, Blah, will it handle Vizcarra and Erik's spreadsheet or > not.
The old Simpson Model 260C had a nice feature for the "Erik Spreadsheet" type posts. It had a EPROM that allowed one to preset the unit with up to twenty phrases, such as the "I've disproved evolution..." line, and would automatically switch to "BS" mode, bypassing the amplifiers, and tripping an auto disconnect function if it got really deep.
> On 4 Jun 2001 08:41:39 -0400, Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk (Rupert > Goodwins) wrote:
> Blah, Blah, Blah, will it handle Vizcarra and Erik's spreadsheet or > not.
That all depends. If you get the real thing as an import (you can tell if it mentions the colour red), the spreadsheets hardly make the needle quiver. If you have an americanized version, I've heard that auxiliary circuits kick into gear to fake irony signals for simple stupidity.
> > In article <HIOS6.1266$j04.212...@nnrp.gol.com>, "crwydryn" > <ke...@remove.canada.com> wrote: > > >Rupert Goodwins wrote in message > > ><3b1ba922.18187...@news.blueyonder.co.uk>...
> > >>As has been mentioned, the Mark V is auto-calibrating. All computers > > >exhibit > > >>some degree of irony, due mostly to aspects of their design as > > >'productivity > > >>enhancers'.
> > >After reading this I opened mine up to check, and I have to say that the
> voiding the warranty
> > >little shiny bits on the processor thingy seem more goldy, or maybe coppery > > >(can't really tell in this light) rather than irony, so maybe that's part of > > >my problem with the Mark V?
> > Mine automatically crashes when I try to syncronize it with Window ME! > > A call to the support techs got me nowhere .. they said it was just doing its > > job!
> > BTW ... getting them, with your laptop, through airport security is a bitch! > > Not only does the machine set of their alarms, their "security" sets off the > > machine!
> Raises an interesting question - how do you ship them? Any carrier that > promises delivery in a certain time period must automatically trigger > them. Do you use some kind of irony-shielding?
Faraday cages should work, I think, at least as long as you keep them away from _major_ irony sources such as Ed Conrad or the Schlafly brothers. Those high-energy bogons they emit can penetrate just about any kind of shielding.
-- And I want to conquer the world, give all the idiots a brand new religion, put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil, promote equality in all of my decisions... --Bad Religion, "I Want to Conquer the World"
Leon <leondzine@***.net.invalid> wrote: > Laurence A. Moran wrote in talk.origins:
> >>> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous > >>> armoured, autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof > >>> core system to assure reliable, repeatable results in even the > >>> most bombastic and self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. > >>> Kansas. See notes)
> >>> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, > >>> Bluetooth and rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber > >>> and Bible Black.
> >> Sounds cool, but you've neglected to mention pricing.
> > Price is important but I'd like to know if the software is > > Windows and/or Linux compatible. I assume it won't run on a > > Macintosh since the resulting feed-back loop would fry any irony > > meter.
> That's because of the interference of Jobs' Reality Distorion Field > (tm) which is embedded in every iMac -- how else could anyone consider > a toy computer in a see-through plastic case an innovation.
> --Leon
Of course the real irony field is exemplified in the fact thaqt every Windows manufacturer then went and copied the style as quickly as they could with coloured plastic add-ons... Many irony meters went south that day, I can tell you.
Rupert Goodwins <Rupe...@cix.co.removethis.uk> wrote: > Ladies, gentlemen, and geologists:
> Line Noise Laboratories [NYSE: LINO] is pleased to announce the Mark V Irony > Meter ("Excelsior" in EMEA). In development for four years under the auspices > of the DoD's General Instrumentation for Sensing Horribleness (GISH) program, > it incorporates the latest in digital technology for accurate mensuration from > very low levels to high-density irony field environments (accuracy better than > 0.5% from 0.1 microHolden to 1.5 kiloHolden). By combining a series of > technological firsts with Line Noise Labs' fabled reputation for quality and > our Science First (tm) company philosophy, the Mark V opens up new horizons > for ironic exploration.
> It is the first generally available device certified to detect irony at the > trace levels encountered in much Internet communication, while the > autoclamping pulse reaction system will safely shut down the meter at levels > above 10 kHo. No damage will result to the meter or the operator with fields > up to 1MHo, (unless contained in a resistivity network with a Grue factor of > > 3.3 MHo/mMho/m -- please contact your local sales office for options).
> This is due in large part to new SQUIFFI sensor technology licensed from the > Philosophy Department at the University of Wooloomooloo. The Superconducting
> Quantum Inference Field Incredulity device at the heart of the Mark V is the > first time the fundamental physical effect of quantum incredulity has been > used in commercial equipment. In brief, the interface between objective and > subjective reality constantly generates and destroys virtual quark-live > particles (quarticles) that are highly sensitive to spin which is neither > beautiful nor charming.
> When placed in a field where there is a very high differential between what is > stated and what is so, these quarticles become agitated and give off > characteristic energetic radiation (in quantum physical terms they start to > 'smell', although of course this is in no way the same as our experience of > smell.) In a SQUIFFI these smells are detected by a supercooled giant > magnetoresistive head, which then performs contextual analysis. If this > indicates true irony is present the head shakes sadly and smiles to itself, > making little 'tut tut' noises. This triggers the digital counter/timer unit. > Note that this system works well when high levels of stupidity, pomposity or > sanctimoniousness are also present -- commonly encounted conditions that have > caused previous generations of irony detectors to saturate, implode or break > down in tears.
> Of course, the Mark V is built around Line Noise Labs' famous armoured, > autocalibrating, dust-, water- and sanctity-proof core system to assure > reliable, repeatable results in even the most bombastic and > self-awareness-depleted conditions (excl. Kansas. See notes)
> A full range of interfaces is available, including HTTP/NNTP, Bluetooth and > rectal implant. Available in puce, jade, amber and Bible Black.
> ENDS
> Notes:
> 'Science First' , 'Beer Even More First', 'The Bible Bashers' and the Lino > device are registered trade marks and intellectual property of Line Noise > Laboratories
> Use of the Mark V is NOT supported in Kansas, and stated resolution, > sensitivity and safety limits do not apply. Line Noise Laboratories does not > accept liability for misuse of any device. Use in Kansas is automatically > defined as misuse (see: The Estate of Dr Parker v Line Noise Labs, 478 U.S. > 675).
