The Awful Green Thing from Outer Space
Mark-Jason Dominus
I'm here to warn you about the MENACE FROM OUTER SPACE.
This MENACE FROM OUTER SPACE is MENACING our refrigerators, it is
MENACING our cafes, it is MENACING our children. It MENACES our
understanding of the perfect truth and it is a MENACE to democracy. I
refer, of course, to the AVOCADO.
First, to prove that the avocado is FROM OUTER SPACE.
The irrefutable proofs:
The avocado is unlike any normal terrestrial fruit. Its grossly
swollen and oversized Pitt is a mockery of the form, a disgusting
reminder of the avocado's alien desire to spawn and reproduce itself
to cover the Earth with a pulsating, pullulating mass of slippery
greenish flesh. The Pitt is the alien seed, come to infest our blue
world. The Pitt of the avocado shows its alien nature by failing to
conform to the friendly and familiar Earthian catgories: is hard and
yet soft, woody and yet pulpy at once.
The skin of the avocado shows similar exogenous tendencies. However,
the skin resists discussion because the avocado camouflages itself in
two different skins so as to deter generalization and classification.
If I point out that the avocado's skin is shiny, green, and metallic,
with a slippery waterproof coating, like the hull of a frog or flying
saucer, the effect of my warning may be blunted because you are
thinking of a bumpy avocado. If I show up the avocado's foreign
nature by exposing its monstrous, nubbly, greenish-black hide, so like
the armored skins of the extinct earth-burrowing dinosaurs and other
reptillian monsters, you may dismiss me by exhibiting the smooth
avocado. Thus: The avocado is the only fruit whose skin is a
propaganda machine. But in fact the skin, whether a shiny virulent
green or a rough, all-devouring black, again shows the avocado's alien
nature: Whether slick or lumpy, the skin fails once again to be thin
and papery, like the skin of the revered apple, or soft and leathery,
like the skins of the hallowed orange or the beloved banana, or even
delicately furred, like the peel of the gentle peach.
The meat of the avocado, which fills the yawning void between the
reptillian skin and the abominable Pitt, is neither solid nor liquid,
but an ambiguous green and yellow slime, halfway between. It appears
to hold a shape, but when pressed, flows like water. Even the
avocado's flavor is a mystery. Not sweet, like most fruits, not even
sour, like the lime, the lemon, or the tomato, nor again like the
squashes, its outlier nature demonstrates beyond a doubt its remote
provenance.
The avocado has no color. Green, yes, but *which* green? Not the
deep forest green of broccoli, not the pale vegetal green of the snap
bean. It is at once a green that is many greens, a colony of
single-celled green organisms of various types, waiting to multiply in
their numbers and their greennesses.
Finally, the molecular structure of the avocado is clearly not of This
Earth. The avocado's `fat' is shaped like a HEXAGON. The fats of
earth are shaped like the excellent and egregious letter E, three
fatty acids hanging from glycogen, forming an the very monogram of
Mother Earth Herself. But there is no known language which has a
six-sided letter.
The avocado is an alien in our midst. The avocado MUST BE STAMPPED OUT.
--
Mark-Jason Dominus m...@plover.com
Scott Ellis
On 3 Jun 1996, Mark-Jason Dominus wrote:
(...)
> First, to prove that the avocado is FROM OUTER SPACE.
(...)
I was going to say something about Guacamole of the Gods, but I decided
that I'd better not...
------
sae - L*ss*r G*dw*t, thou shouldst be living at this hour. (Francis Muir)
Scott Dorsey
In article <4ovitb$i...@picasso.op.net> m...@plover.com (Mark-Jason Dominus) writes:
>
>This MENACE FROM OUTER SPACE is MENACING our refrigerators, it is
>MENACING our cafes, it is MENACING our children. It MENACES our
>understanding of the perfect truth and it is a MENACE to democracy. I
>refer, of course, to the AVOCADO.
When I was a child, I used to live in a house which was on a street with
a lot of other houses, and there was an alley behind these houses. Along
that alley were avocado trees, all up and down. They would drop overripe
avocados all over the alley, and cars would drive down through all of this
fruit and make guacamole everywhere. It would rot, but even when it was
rotted, it would continue to have that same chartreuse color. Flies would
buzz around, attracted by the stench, and it would stick in the tire tread
and dry out in the sun.
To this day, I have difficulty in Mexican restaurants.
--scott
--
"C'est un Nagra. C'est suisse, et tres, tres precis."
Starcap'n Ra
mrx?
> is MENACING our refrigerators,
Ll*yd?
> it is MENACING our cafes,
cj?
> it is MENACING our children.
chevyn and his extremely large penis?
> It MENACES our understanding of the perfect truth
billbill?
> and it is a MENACE to democracy.
Jeff Vogel?
> I refer, of course, to the AVOCADO.
Ah, yes. The avocado, but of course.
Hear, hear!
--Starcap'n Ra {ames,gatech,husc6,rutgers}!ncar!noao!asuvax!kennedy
{allegra,decvax,ihnp4,oddjob}--^
^---------------The Wrong Choice
internet: ken...@asuvax.eas.asu.edu
Lloyd Wood
klu...@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey) wrote:
>
>When I was a child, I used to live in a house which was on a street with
>a lot of other houses
bt,dt.
L.
--
<URL:http://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Personal/L.Wood/><mailto:L.W...@surrey.ac.uk>