Por Amor De Dios...
strychnine
SAN DIEGO, CA (Sunday, 11 Aug 1996)-- Two hours north of ground zero,
coming over the grapevine into Los Angeles, as the oxygen percentage in
the atmosphere began dropping into the mid-teens, I began to detect the
unmistakable odor of lust. By the time I checked into our room at the
Travelodge, the stench was nearly unbearable.
Mojo greeted me when I walked through the door. He was lying half-naked on
the bed. The air conditioner was set on max. The television was turned to
MSNBC. He was sweating profusely and quivering like a junkie.
łPor amor de dios, no cruces las autopistas!˛ I shouted. łMas de uno
ciento treinte y cinco han muerto!˛ Big smile all over my face.
łWhat the hell are you talking about, you freak!˛ he responded. łMake
sense or die.˛
łItąs my mantra for the convention. I read it on the wall at the rest
station in San Clemente near the INS checkpoint. It seemed like something
important to remember.˛
Mojo was not impressed with my sanguine countenance. I had finally arrived
in San Diego after ten straight hours of white knuckle driving, through
the very heart of enemy territory, in a clearly marked low-slung sports
convertable with identifying markings all over it, and I was thankful to
be alive. Mojo had been glued to the unfolding spectacle on three
different cable networks for the past four hours, and was barely capable
of doing anything more than shaking a jittery finger at a curious canvas
bag on the floor at his feet.
Contrary to conventional wisdom, the Republican Party is much less hostile
to the effete liberal media (and its communist rank and file pissant
soldiers) than it might appear if all you knew was what you heard on the
Rush Limbaugh program. In actual fact, the RNC is really no different than
any other industry convention-- itąs an excuse to spend huge budgets
throwing parties that make important people come away thinking, łDamn,
those guys are COOL!˛
And make no mistake. The Republicans know how to make underpaid,
overworked, borderline psychotic reporters relax a little, let down their
hair and loosen up enough to admit that some of the right-wing fascist
screwheads, while itąs true that they are all bloodsucking creatures of
the night bent on world domination, some of them have a sense of humor.
I know. You think Iąm high. Youąre saying, łDr. Strychnine is drinking the
bong water.˛ Youąre wrong. Really. I submit the following as evidence:
One canvas bag. Handed out to every member of the press as they take
possession of their credentials. There are 15000 working press here in San
Diego. Ten for each delegate. Each one of them received a little grab bag
of Republican fun, full of precious collectible items. Here is an
enumeration:
1. A very nice white cotton golf shirt with an embroidered logo for
Nicholas-Applegate Capital Management, a proud sponsor of the 1996
Republican Convention.
2. A welcome letter from the local PBS television station touting its
documentary łRunning Mate˛ which is being produced during the convention.
3. A 20 page convention guide which includes the following advice in the
section on security: łChemical weapons (mace, pepper spray), firearms,
knives, placards and signs are prohibited.˛ and łNo jokes. We take your
security and that of your fellow attendees very seriously.˛ Oooh. I feel
so safe.
4. A flyer for the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum in Simi
Valley, CA. Contains the quote: łYou can see a real nuclear missile,
decommissioned by the treaty signed by President Reagan and Mikhail
Gorbachev.˛ Thereąs even a picture of it.
5. A pop-out map of San Diego. Useful for identifying the optimal route to
the Mexican border. Not that Mojo and I should be considered a flight
risk, but itąs always wise to be prepared for any eventuality.
6. A CD-ROM containing software for United Airlines Connection[tm].
Requires Windows 3.1.
7. A CD-ROM containing a free trial of Qualcommąs Eudora email software
for Windows.
8. A 3.5˛ diskette containing free demo software of unknown function from
Nicholas-Applegate. The only clue to its nature is text on the sleeve
reading, łThere is NO Rule that says change Has to TAKE You by surprise,˛
and the instructions, łA:\INSTALL˛ on the label of the diskette.
9. A limited edition Presidential Searies Foncard from Sprint.
10. The official Delegate and Media Guide to San Diego. Contains an
article entitled ŚBorder Linksą about Tijuana, just across the border to
the south. Contains happy pictures of fresh faced Mexicans with captions
reading things like, łA booming assembly line in Tijuana where workers
turn out cellular-phone components,˛ and łA mexican technician in
fuel-cell technology works at an ultrasonic welding machine.˛ Hooray for
Mexican ingenuity!
These are all fairly mundane items. Gee thanks guys, but this all seems
pretty ho hum. Oh but weąre not done. The following items were also
included in the bag for no reason comprehensible by mortal men and women:
11. A box of Hefty(R) OneZip[TM] Multi-Purpose Storage Bags.
12. A computer mouse shaped key fob that has a red LED on the bottom that
lights when you push the mouse buttons.
13. A booklet from the Dole Food Company, Inc. entitled łFun With Fruits &
Vegetables˛ which appears to be a cookbook for children. The cartoon
illustrations of fruits and vegetables preparing themselves to be eaten
are inscrutable. Thereąs a WWW address on the back,
http://www.dole5aday.com.
14. Two single serving size packages of Dole California Seedless Raisins.
Hmmm. Best not to search for deep meaning in this.
15. A clear plastic drinking mug with the Budweiser logo on one side and
the following on the other side:
-------- tax fill line --------
43% of the cost of every beer
is hidden taxes.
ROLL BACK BEER TAXES!
And my personal favorite item in the whole collection:
16. A łlimited convention edition˛ box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Dinner
with a picture of an elephant on the front holding a sign that reads
łRepublicans in Ś96!˛ and a presidential IQ test on the back that asks the
following questions:
Match these łfamous˛ quotes or slogans with the Republican Presidents who
made them famous:
1. łSpeak softly, but carry a big bowl of KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese.˛
2. łA house divided from KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese cannot stand.˛
3. łRun out of KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese? Wouldnąt be prudent.˛
4. łIt is morning again in America. KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese is being served.˛
I think the object that caused Mojo the most grief was the box of plastic
baggies. Truth to tell, I found that one pretty unsettling myself. What
were they thinking?
What are they thinking, indeed. Jack Kemp is suddenly the hard rightąs
fave choice for running mate. Mojo tried to get a Mississippi delegate to
say something about Doleąs choice for vice president that wasnąt a naked,
bald-faced lie, but it was no use. łOn 98% of the issues, Jack Kemp has
been right there with us.˛
Oh yeah, I believe that. Kemp was right there with the most conservative
state in the South when he came out against Californiaąs Prop. 187, when
he said he was pro-choice, when he refused to condemn łaffirmative
action˛. Why he and Trent Lott are basically joined at the forelobes on
these issues.
Hefty OneZip Storage Bags. These people have all the charm, character and
spontaneity of a venus fly-trap. You dangle a piece of raw meat into their
jaws and the enzymes make the teeth close. I donąt care how much free
stuff we get, or how many free drinks, big smiles and low-cut blouses
these people wave under my nose in the coming days. Their lust for power
is a stench that overpowers all that, and it serves as a constant reminder
that after the convention is over and the reporters have all filed their
stories and nursed their hangovers, the Republicans will still be a fat,
greedy lot of thugs with a naked contempt for the business of American
democracy.
"Por amor de dios, no cruces las autopistas! Mas de uno ciento treinte y
cinco han muerto.' Words to live by. So to speak.
--
j h woodyatt <j...@wetware.com> | National security is the
http://www.wetware.com/jhw | cause of national insecurity.
[sgi|mips|daver|indetech]!wetware!jhw | --hagbard celine