Be Offended.
Andrew Solberg
It has come to my attention in recent months that only a very small percentage
of you have ever experienced the joy of nude wrestling with Yours Truly. This
is a veritable shame and outrage. Hence and forthwith, I present:
"MORE REASONS THAN YOU WILL EVER NEED TO SLEEP WITH HWRNMNBSOL"
Remember: this is sensitive, difficult reading.
- * -
"To All Women Of Uplifting & Sturdye Moral Charactre."
LADIES of BENIGN and WELL-FAVOURED HERITAGE!! Are the MEN in your life:
* DULL ?
* Dreary ??
* LACKING in AMATORY SKILL ????
Are YOU experiencing one OR MORE of the following symptomes:
* shortness of breath
* an ACCUMULATION of VILE HUMORS
* spates of DIRE & LASTING HORNINESS ????
***************************************
*"DO NOT HESITATE, CHRISTIAN LADIES!!"*
***************************************
A MIRACULOUS CURE is SWEEPING these 38 STATES & TERRITORIES!
"My Dr. Solberg's Schlong Oil is
100% GUARANTEED to generate an
INTENSE ORGASME of a VAGINAL
& REVIVIFYING NATURE. My REKNOWNE
amongst the tribes of the CREE INDIANS
is of STERLING CHARACTER. DO NOT
IGNORE this TANTALIZING OFFER!"
You may purchase "Dr. Solberg's Schlong Oil & Extract" at any
fine druggist or apothecary wherever MEDICINES of a RELIEVING
NATURE are sold.
***************************************
*"A REMARKABLE & INSPIRING INTERESTE."*
***************************************
- * -
Now, ladies, I think there can be little doubt that you all want me.
Badly. No, don't deny it: I can read you like a Sanskrit dictionary.
No, my dears ('chicks', if I may), I think it's fair to say that you
all hunger for a taste of my Big Daddy Whackamole. The only question
remaining is: how to fairly and accurately distribute ALL THIS MANHOOD
amongst the quiffs? It's a logistical nightmare that rivals Normandy
in complexity, timing, and sheer erotic power.
Now, it just so happens that I have an ingenius plan to visit my divine
phallic grace upon each and every one of my Vaginal Custodians out there
in net.land. Fear not, my chickadees: I'm off to stalk the wild beaver,
and I ain't makin' hats, if you catch the schwing of my Halberd of Love.
Here is my brilliant scheme. Count the number of times you orgasm
while reading, and then send me the number. Folks, we're gonna roll
the counter sometime this hour.....
THE PLAN OF GREAT HUGENESS
1) Be lusted after by millions. Bask in the attentions of the local
nubile female population. In a fit of generosity, consent to
do a few repeats here and there.
2) Visit the Baylor College of Medicine. Cause approx. 120 female
interns to spontaneously enter estrus.
3) CLONE MY DICK. Many times.
4) Allow protostud cultures to grow, first in petri dishes, then in
pyrex platters, and finally in a hot tub.
5) Mail new Solberg clones to strategic locations around the world.
6) SADDLE UP!
I calculate that this plan should enable each and every Usenet femme to
have almost instant access to The Organ That Wimpiness Forgot. There will
be no excuse for not having done the Wilt Chamberlain Aerobic Exercise
with me: Andrew J Solberg; net.Adonis.
You may now swoon.
- * -
Safe sex is an issue, of course. However, have you considered the alternative?
"DO IT BAREBACK WITH ANDREW J SOLBERG"
* Avoid painful latex burns!
* Exciting devil-may-care damn-the-torpedoes attitude!
* "Aw, shucks....s'okay, I've had a vasectomy!"
* I, too, am ribbed for your enjoyment!
* I double-dog dare ya......
- * -
A FEW TIPS ON TECHNIQUE
This message goes out to those fine members of the gentle sex who would like
to be speared with my Queequeg Quiffprong. You know who you are. Stop
drooling.
Here's a few tips for pleasing that man of all men, the mysterious
stranger with the ten-letter pseudonym and pheromones that attract moths:
1) Quit making all that goddamn noise! HWRNMNBSOL absolutely *hates* it
when his rides get all squeaky. The Nameless One himself makes absolutely
no noise at all, save for a few grunting "NF!" sounds. Try to emulate
this ideal. And for GOD'S SAKE quit screaming my name, willya?
2) And what's with all this WRIGGLING?! Cut it out, beetch! Lie still,
dammit, and take what's cummin'. I'm warning you, now: the LAST one
just COULDN'T STOP bucking and moaning, so I had to open up on her and
TEAR HER IN HALF. I don't like to do that, though, as it makes all kinds
of trouble for the coroner.
3) Biting. We'll have none o' that. Once when I was boffing Tabitha
Soren, just to keep my hand in you understand, she just about chewed through
my left shoulder. I punished her but good, though: I stopped.
4) HWRNMNBSOL doesn't go for this variety crap. Pick a hole and run with
it, that's my motto. You want acrobatics, swing with the Flying Karamazovs.
You want the three conventional kinds of orgasm, and a couple of others that
I'm considering patenting, you come to The Man with the Megaton Meat Maul.
That would be me, turtledove.
5) Parties of more than eight members MAY NOT be seated immediately.
That should hold ya until your number comes up. 'Til then, stay friendly;
bathe; lay off the Toblerone; and for CRYING OUT LOUD quit mailing me
nekkid GIF's of yourself.
"Ladies! Ladies! HWRNMNBSOL has LOGGED OUT!"
- * -
A SENSITIVE POEM
walking on sandy beaches
hand-in-hand in the olive groves
riding chestnut mares
through the pines
with you
sharing our little secrets
laughing on a busy corner
taking in a flick
or dancing
real slow
nothing is too cheap for me
i will do about anything
to talk you up then
get inside
your pants
- * -
[the saga shall continue.]
--
HWRNMNBSOL (and...@cml.rice.edu) H:(713)794-0021 W:(713)644-8872
Rice University, Artillery Commander, Department of Mathematics
"WAR DIMS HOPES FOR PEACE" --headline: Wisc. St. Journal, 12/27/65
Disclaimer: I did what?!