Lots of questions from a non-transgendered person
Baerana
transgendered and, until recently, I never thought much of it. But I've
recently become friends with a pre-op f2m. I'm curious and/or concerned
about a lot of things now. I'm sure some of my questions are offensive,
but that's not my intention and I'm trying to avoid that, I'm just not
sure how to put the things I want to know.
First off, the other transgendered people I've been friends with, I
always (except in one case) became friends with after their surgeries.
So, I never had a problem thinking of them as the sex they identified
with. In the one case that was an exception, I knew the person as a
male and then we sort of lost touch for a while, communicating only via
email, as she told me about her surgery, hormones, etc. Then, when I
met her again, she was physically a woman. So, pronouns were never a
problem.
With my new friend, I have trouble calling him "he" all the time. I
mean, he looks like a woman, he has big breasts and a very pretty,
feminine face. Plus, I'm attracted to him. But I'm attracted to him in
the way I'm attracted to women. This makes me feel guilty, and I'm not
even sure why.
This also makes me feel I bad about how little I understand being
transgendered. I thought I had a good handle on it, as much as a
non-transgendered person could, but now I realize I don't at all. How
do you know you are transgendered? What does "being a man" feel like
when you have breasts and a vagina? My new friend likes wearing
skirts. This already makes him more feminine than I am. Yet he's going
to go through the pain and expense of surgically turning his body into
that of a biological male?
A friend of a friend is a physical male who identifies as female. But
he doesn't want any surgery or hormones, etc. He says because he
couldn't have the surgery when he was about 9, when it would have turned
out "perfectly" - ie, he's too tall and masculine-looking now to pass,
so now he doesn't want it. But doesn't that just make him male? I
mean, if you are transgendered but you aren't going to have surgery,
hormones, or attempt to pass at all, are you still transgendered?
Are there ever people who have the surgery then think they made a
mistake? I mean, do people ever realize later on that they _aren't_
transgendered?
When talking to a transgendered person, what language should you use to
not be offensive? I mean, saying something like "you think you are
male" or "you feel male" seems odd to me. And it's been years since I
heard anyone say something like "male trapped in a female body"
Are there any websites/books/etc that talk about having sex with a
transgendered person, in different stages of their process? I mean,
something that might discuss how hormone treatments make things more or
less sensitive, larger or smaller, etc?
Anyway, thanks in advance for any help you can offer :)
A. Hughes
so you know, I am a pre-op m2f transsexual, have been on hormones for
several years, and am transitioning VERY slowly. I'll answer questions as I
come across them, leaving breaks in the text so you can find them easily...
"Baerana" <use...@baerana.com> wrote in message
news:43c015F...@individual.net...
> Hi. I'm a 28 year old bisexual female. I have several friends who are
> transgendered and, until recently, I never thought much of it. But I've
> recently become friends with a pre-op f2m. I'm curious and/or concerned
> about a lot of things now. I'm sure some of my questions are offensive,
> but that's not my intention and I'm trying to avoid that, I'm just not
> sure how to put the things I want to know.
You have a good start here, respect is the most important thing you can
offer someone, TG or otherwise.
> First off, the other transgendered people I've been friends with, I
> always (except in one case) became friends with after their surgeries.
> So, I never had a problem thinking of them as the sex they identified
> with. In the one case that was an exception, I knew the person as a
> male and then we sort of lost touch for a while, communicating only via
> email, as she told me about her surgery, hormones, etc. Then, when I
> met her again, she was physically a woman. So, pronouns were never a
> problem.
>
> With my new friend, I have trouble calling him "he" all the time. I
> mean, he looks like a woman, he has big breasts and a very pretty,
> feminine face. Plus, I'm attracted to him. But I'm attracted to him in
> the way I'm attracted to women. This makes me feel guilty, and I'm not
> even sure why.
You shouldn't feel guilty about feeling something, people feel things they
may not like all the time. The point is not how you feel, but how you act
based on how you feel.Sometimes it takes time to work out our feelings in
the first place, it's very confusing stuff to work out.
> This also makes me feel I bad about how little I understand being
> transgendered. I thought I had a good handle on it, as much as a
> non-transgendered person could, but now I realize I don't at all. How
> do you know you are transgendered? What does "being a man" feel like
> when you have breasts and a vagina? My new friend likes wearing
> skirts. This already makes him more feminine than I am. Yet he's going
> to go through the pain and expense of surgically turning his body into
> that of a biological male?
Okay, in order, I don't think anyone can explain how they know they're
transgendered, it's like asking how you know you're a sentient being, "I
think therefore I am." Being a man (or a woman) is entirely defined by
neurochemistry and the way your brain forms, though some argue there is an
element of how you were brought up involved as well. And clothes are not
necessarily proof that someone is feminine or masculine, I know several
women who wear jeans and look VERY feminine in them, and I know some guys
who like tro dress up in skirts but are still very male. I personally
prefer jeans to skirts, even though I am m2f, it's just clothes. The
surgery is about how we see ourselves, and to a large extent, sexual
activity.
> A friend of a friend is a physical male who identifies as female. But
> he doesn't want any surgery or hormones, etc. He says because he
> couldn't have the surgery when he was about 9, when it would have turned
> out "perfectly" - ie, he's too tall and masculine-looking now to pass,
> so now he doesn't want it. But doesn't that just make him male? I
> mean, if you are transgendered but you aren't going to have surgery,
> hormones, or attempt to pass at all, are you still transgendered?
Being transgender is about how you see yourself, not about wanting surgery.
Many of us feel we need surgery to complete ourselves, but that doesn't mean
we have to have it to be transgendered. And I often worry I won't entirely
be "passable," and I know I may not be able to afford the surgery for a long
time, if ever, but I'm still transsexual, I'm still a woman, no matter
whether I have the surgery or not.
> Are there ever people who have the surgery then think they made a
> mistake? I mean, do people ever realize later on that they _aren't_
> transgendered?
Sadly, this has happened, it does still happen, and until they find some way
tpo make absolutely sure before doing the surgery, it will continue to
happen. For that matter, it likely would even after that. Thus the
requirements for extensive therapy and testing, it's a non-reversible
surgery, so we have to be absolutely sure before we take that step.
> When talking to a transgendered person, what language should you use to
> not be offensive? I mean, saying something like "you think you are
> male" or "you feel male" seems odd to me. And it's been years since I
> heard anyone say something like "male trapped in a female body"
They key here is again, respect. As long as you take people's feelings into
account and honestly try to respect their wishes, we will allow for some
confusion, after all, we get pretty damn confused ourselves sometimes. And
if someone gets angry at tyou, try not to take it personally. I for one get
snappy about it sometimes, especially when I'm confused myself.
> Are there any websites/books/etc that talk about having sex with a
> transgendered person, in different stages of their process? I mean,
> something that might discuss how hormone treatments make things more or
> less sensitive, larger or smaller, etc?
Heh... If there are, I'd like to know about them too, my wife and I are
pretty good at working things out, but a little extra guidance is always
appreciated!
> Anyway, thanks in advance for any help you can offer :)
I hope I answered your questoions well enough, and feel free to ask if
anything needs clarification. ^.^ Thanks for being respectful, it really
means a lot to me to see people valuing those from the tg community!
-Angie H.
ftmichael
Trans. You're Trans or you're not; the end. You don't "become" Trans
and transition is not a 12-step program. It has NOTHING to do with
what steps you take in transition, or whether you transition at all.
Everyone follows their own path. If your friend-of-a-friend identifies
as female, it is disrespectful to refer to her as anything else, unless
it's a safety issue or she's asked you to do differently. Ask her if
she has a name she'd rather be called when you're in private, and what
pronouns she prefers.
It is extraordinarily rare for someone to transition and then change
their mind, although it's happened.
Never call it "the surgery." There is no such thing. If you mean GRS
(genital reconstruction surgery), say so. If you mean top surgery
(chest reconstruction), say so. If you mean FFS (facial feminisation
surgery) or a hysto
(hysterectomy/oopherectomy/salpingectomy/removal-of-the-cervix) or
breast augmentation or anything else, say so. Don't say "the
hormones," "the transition," or anything like that. The word "the"
shouldn't be in there; it gives the impression of transition as
twelve-step program.
Feeling like a man with breasts and a vagina feels exactly like feeling
like a man with no breasts and a penis - a man is a man, the end. It's
just profoundly uncomfortable when your body looks nothing like what
you expect to see when you look in the mirror. It's a tremendous
disconnect.
Saying "You feel male" is fine. "You are a man" works too. Learn the
difference between sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual
orientation at the link below.
Check out http://ftmichael.tashari.org/trans101.html Read it
thoroughly - don't skim - even if it takes you a while. Really think
about it. When it tells you to take out paper and pencil, actually do
it. It's tremendously helpful.
See also http://ftmichael.tashari.org/links.html and
http://ftmichael.tashari.org/resources.html
For sex-related questions, besides the first link, check out
http://cauldronfarm.com/writing/activist.html
Hope that helps!
Michael
Autumn
I myself am transgendered. There are plenty of books out
there. Kate bornsteins' Gender Outlaw, Jennifer Boylans' She's not
there, and Noelle Howeys' The story of three girlhoods. Each book is
set at a different level of involvement. What I mean is each
books'main "character" goes their transitions at different times in
their lives. Jenny Boylans' book is probably the best one out their
for anyone willing to learn about transgenderism. She is a college
prof. with two boys and a loving wife.
Gender Identity Disorder is not a disease, but rather than a
self diagnosed problem. Most people know that they have GID when
they're young but dont actually know the name for it. I realized when
I was going through puberty. One of the most confusing times in my
life for and others like myself.
The next time you hear someone saying something about them
being transgendered, carry on the conversion as normal. If they say
their female then their female and the other way around. If you have a
question just ask them. I'd rather have someone ask me questions
instead of having being stared at like a science expertment gone wrong.
If you have any more questions just e-mail me.
love autumn
jacq...@gmail.com
jacq...@gmail.com
> means a lot to me to see people valuing those from the tg community!
>
> -Angie H.