REPOST: Letters to Myself (Long)
T. Gryn
years ago to soc.singles....with Gary's permission, I am reposting it.
There are a few others by Gary that I will be reposting directly. I
hope you find them worthwhile reading.
Gary's webpage can be found at http://skybird.org/fnl/fnl/
---
From: fl...@lopez.UUCP (Gary Bourgois)
Newsgroups: alt.recovery,alt.romance,soc.singles,soc.couples
Subject: Letters to Myself (Repost) (Long)
Summary: Life, love and growth.
Keywords: Self Talk
A couple weeks ago, I posted an article consisting of three previous
articles (Radio Groupies, Physical Apperance, How I Found Love) which
were requested by a netter. Response was favorable, and several folks
asked me to post more. I post here about once a year or so, and
usually due to "churn" we have many new people on the net who might be
in a situation where these articles might be helpful.
Following are two reposted articles.
This is the first of two posts to soc.singles entitled "Letters to
Myself"
BACKGROUND:
I went through a rather dismal 7 year marriage to a woman who did not
love me, and so informed me on our wedding night. I spent those 7
years trying to make the impossible work. I failed.
Following the inevitable divorce, I had a very intense affair, which
ended in disaster. I realized I must be doing something wrong. Like
most of us, I was ruled by my heart (and admittedly at that time,
lower organs as well. And it was thus, while undergoing a
time of mental and emotional rebuilding, at a small 3 room cabin on
the shore of Lake Kawbawgam, One night I sat down to my old IBM model
A electric typewriter, and wrote two "letters to myself" If I ever
fell in love again, something that at that time I hoped would NOT
happen, I was to read letter #1 and share it with my new found lady.
I also promised that if I ever got to the point of feeling REALLY
suicidal, I would read letter #2.
The rationalle for these letters is that I never was one to accept
advice from others, but I KNEW that if I heard it from myself, it
would be harder to discount.
Here is letter #1, THE LOVE LETTER.
-------------------- CLIP HERE --------------------
Lake Kawbagum
July 15, 1978 12:25AM EST
A Letter to Myself
Dear Gary,
So you're in love! Truly I couldn't be happier for you... and you
thought it would never happen again. Congratulations are in order and
I'm sure you have been celebrating, and enjoying some beautiful
moments with your newfound dear one. Enjoy and share, you deserve it.
You probably remember writing this letter, otherwise you would not be
reading it now, but perhaps you have forgotten what is written in this
missive. After all, no doubt, it has been a while, and some of the
lessons recently learned may also have dimmed along with the other
memories of the eventful first half of 1978. My reason for writing is
to remind you of a few things that you right now are not even thinking
about.
No I am not writing to discourage you, to put a damper on the
happiness that you have found. This is just a gentle
self-communication written at a time of awareness, strength and
resolve. You do not always take advice from others, but perhaps you
will listen to yourself.
She's beautiful isn't she. I admire your good taste. Is she PERFECT?
Do you find yourself thinking that she is "the ideal"? Perhaps she
is. Don't take your blinders completely off, part of the joy of new
love is that initial wonderment of finding all the parts that fit
together so ideally. Enjoy that happy discovery time, but be
objective enough to see the parts that don't mesh. Store them for
now, but don't ignore or totally discount them, especially the ones
that will eventually lead to potential conflict. Like the Physical
activity thing with J***. Be aware of these areas. Maybe you should
write them down. I know you do not like to play "head level" games,
especially at a time like this... but you know how easily your thought
centers get switched off. No, you are not the type to approach love
from a totally logical thought/decision level; but don't throw all
logic to the wind. Be objective. Please try. Somewhat
objective anyway.
But also, won't worry about everything so much. Find the balance.
Flow with your feelings. For the most part you can trust them. They
have been tempered by your experiences of the past. You have grown up
a lot and learned a lot from what happened with L***, M*** A**, and
J***. You are stronger now, and perhaps for the first time in your
life really ready for a genuine honest loving relationship. You
wouldn't be where you are now if you weren't. Don't worry about
"blowing it". Paranoid is the self destruct button. If you feel it
slipping a little, let it slip a little. Maybe it needs to be looser.
If it is real, it will maintain.
Thou shalt not grovel.
Don't be so quick to point out your faults to her. Whe will find them
herself. She won't believe you anyway if you tell her outright. Just
be yourself. Be on good behaviour, but don't pretend to be what you
are not to impress her. That will only make it harder later. You
know you are a good actor, but keep it real. Remember, you want this
one to last. Be honest, but do not belabor things. Don't play games
with her or yourself. Let her see you as you are. She is sensitive
and hopefully she's accepting enough to understand your
idiosyncracies, so don't make a big deal out of it.
Make sure she is being honest with you as well. This is harder,
surely. She may not trust things just now. It's new. She's not
completely sure of it any more than you are. BUT there are signs.
They were there with J***. You sensed them, but ignored them. Be
observant enough to acknowledge those signs. You have learned to
accept yourself. but don't be blind ourself about YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF
HER. Is there something you have been ignoring, blinded to, or
saying "it will pass" to? You are very tollerant, to be sure.
Sometimes too much so. Remember L***'s dogs, and J***'s escapades to
the USSR. Make sure you can handle whatever the differences are.
Differences are good, for variety is a spice, but be sure of those
differences. Think them through, and make sure they do not get in the
way of the sharing, or hack away at the relationship.
Beware of things that happen too fast. If she said that she loves you
before she really knows you, (the way J*** did), remain objective.
Tell her what your heart says to tell her, but always remember she is
a woman, and hence can change her mind. You can change yours as well.
Sad as it may be, you have learned that "forever" can be an illusion.
Remember J***'s enthusiasm when you first met. Don't let that keep
you from giving and loving now, but remember what can happen. Make
sure there is a net of some kind beneath you. In other words, don't
give up everything, as you almost did with J*** until you are
reasonably sure. Your net with J*** was your broadcasting career.
Just think of how messed up you would have been if you had moved to
Minneapolis without a job, and then things changed the way they did.
Stay objective. Look out for NUMBER ONE. Survive. You won't be any
good to your new love or yourself if you set up potentials for
distruction.
She can not satisfy all of your needs, nor can you satisfy all hers.
Beware of the expectations trap. Just make sure that the biggies are
met on both sides. I hope you agree on what is important. The little
sh*t will work itself out, but the big sh*t does not go away.
Is she affectionate? You need that as much as any other thing. Do
you have reasonably the same ideas about the meaning of sex? Is she
also a non-materialist. If not, beware the potential pitfalls. Make
sure she knows you have no intentions of giving up your career
situation just to make more money. Remember the distaste you have for
materialistic people. Is this an area where your blinders are on?
Remember what happened with L*** (ex wife) and what could have
happened with M*** A**. J*** was unusual in this regard, most people
ARE materialistic. You do not want her to see you as an under
achiever the way L*** did. She must understand that your dedication
to your work is more important than financial B.S. L*** thought she
could change this in you, and you thought you could make
her become more affectionate and sensuous. You both failed. SO BE
CAREFUL in the key areas. You know them but think hard about each
one:
LOVE/AFFECTION/DEMONSTRATIVENESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You need to give and receive a lot of love. It is a strength. DOES
SHE AGREE AND UNDERSTAND?
SEX/SENSUALITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love is more important than sex to you, but remember your high level
of testosterone. DO YOU ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER'S SEXUALITY? Can you
adjust to one another's differences? Is she open to new things? Are
you? Is it a time to laugh and enjoy, or "all business". Know your
needs in this area. And hers. I know you have talked about it, but
reflect upon it. You want to be totally faithful to her, so make sure
you can satisfy one another.
FINANCES/MATERIALISM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If it is heading toward living together, make sure you both agree on
what is important and what is not regarding materialism. Neither of
you is likely to change your basic drives and desires in this area.
Let her know your reticence and inability to being a "provider".
Stress being a "partner". I do not think you would have gotten this
far, though if she and you are all that different, but be sure she is
honest and that you are honest as well.
NEATNESS/HOUSEHOLD CRAP/HABITS/BEHAVIOR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where are you now in this regard. Can she accept your level of
orgainzation/disorganization. Can you accept hers? If you live
separately, and just occaisionally cohabitate, this is no biggie, but
be aware of the disaster potential here. People do not change their
basic nature If she is a neatnick, you will drive each other totally
insane.
Obsessions
~~~~~~~~~~
Your driving force is Communications. What about your new love?
Remember how those DOGS that were more important to L*** than you
were, or the Russian "thing" with J***. Obsessive collection of
Porcelain Bunny Rabbits, or Outdoor Sports, or any
really incompatable obsession on her part will meke it difficult in
times to come. Let her see your interests for what they are. I hope
you have commonality here, i want it to last as much as you do. Some
people can make it work with incompatable or non-connected interests,
but BEWARE the PITFALLS.
NOW the HARD part. Does she really love you? The REAL you? Or is
she in love with love, or what she THINKS you are? Your depth of
emotion brings that out in women, and makes them blind to your
potential incompatabilities. You will note I did not say "weaknesses"
Weakness and strength are relative. Make sure she sees you as you are
before you make any total committment. Give her a lot, but never give
her everything. She always wants to reach for more, and if she has
the whole thing, there will be nothing more to reach for. You give
more than most men, so holding back just a little, will still be
giving her a lot.
DO YOU REALLY LOVE HER? That is a toughy. I know you THINK you know,
but take time to be objective. You know your capacity to get
obsessive on love. Remember that she is counting on you. You must
therefore be as honest as you can be with your own feelings.
You have changed a lot in the past year. And you have changed a lot,
I am sure, since this letter was written. BUT most of it should still
apply.
I wish you luck, joy and happiness with her.
I pray that it lasts this time.
BUT remember, if it does not work, you are strong enough to lick your
wounds and try again. It may not seem so at the time, but you've done
it before.
I believe in you
Love,
Gary
________________ CLIP HERE _______________
Epilogue:
I placed the letter in folder and tucked it away. I went on with my
life for almost three years. Then I met Elaine. She had also been
alone for three years, having been through much of the same pains I
had. When we started getting very very very serious, I dug out the
above letter. I read it to her. We had a long talk about each point
in the letter. We found that we were even more compatable than we had
thought. That was in 1980, and we are still together, having
weathered storms that neither of us would have thought possible. We
have been through three fires, two hurricaines, one disabling disease,
Both of us losing our careers (she no longer teaches, and I am OUT of
radio now). Through it all we have stood by one another come "Hell or
High Water".
Point being, LOVE CAN WORK. It takes dedication, prayer, and paying
some attention to whom we get involved with. The mind must be
employed as well as the heart. I do not believe in "luck".
There is one more letter in this series, and I will post it
immediately following this.
I offer these in hopes that they will help those on the net who might
some day find themselves in similar circumstances.
----------------------------------------
This is post #2 to soc.singles of "Letters to Myself".
BACKGROUND:
This second letter was written to be read were I ever to feel TRULY
SUICIDAL. I made a promise to myself that I would first read it
before doing anything rash...
I offer it to the net, and encourage net members to perhaps write a
similar letter for their own use. This one takes into account my own
personality and quirks.
----------------------- CLIP HERE ------------------------
THE SURVIVAL LETTER
Lake Kawbagum
July 25, 1978 3:23AM EST
Dear Gary,
No all is not lost, and yes you will make it. This letter is being
written in the event that all seems hopeless and you do not know where
to turn. I hope it never needs to be read, but just in case, please
check the contents before declaring life nul and void.
Remember the prime directive: SURVIVE. This is, indeed, the meaning
of life. It is your first obligation to yourself. If you now feel
like doing something rash, hold on. Don't do ANYTHING that is
irreversable until you read this letter. Experience has shown you
that if you do NOTHING, eventually you will get of it, but you can get
out of it faster yourself.
Here are some survival tools and techniques you have and can use.
There are probably others, but these are tried and true:
LOGIC
~~~~~
You have the ability to think things through. You may not choose to
or want to at the moment, but if you put your mind to it, you can come
up with a solution. The best way to use logic is to organize the
situation. Write it down. Look at it. Write down possible
solutions, even unreasonable ones (Such as: Inherit a million
dollars). Do not eliminate any possibilities in the initial stage.
By putting everything down, you may find that some of the unreasonable
solutions might be possible (who knows, you MIGHT have a rich
uncle)... Examine the list, but do not become obsessive about the
problem. Put it away for a while and go about the business of life,
then come back ot it. Worry is the biggest and energy
waster you have going against you. Whether you choose to worry or
not, the problem will still be there. Concern is positive. Worry is
negative. Chose which is more logical for you.
EMOTIONAL STRENGTHS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You are not immune to pain, but damn near. You have been in
situations just as bad if not worse than this. At least it seemed so
at the time. You made it before, you will make it again. You might
have to sacrifice. You have sacrificed before. It hurts to let
things go, whether it is a loved one, your bankroll, or an internal
organ, but you CAN do it. There are other lovers, other money, and
transplants.
You can change your lifestyle and adapt. This is your greatest
strength. You can ride out the storm, and you have the drive to
rebuild that which you have lost. You must CHOOSE to survive and
rebulid. Realize that the low state of emotion where you do not have
the energy or desire to rebuild is only a phase. Therefore don't do
anything to only make it worse for later. If you must wallow, take
care of business first. Do your work, and a few things around the
home to keep basic survival going. Then do your wallowing. Perhaps
you need it if it does not waste too much time.
Don't wallow around your friends, though. They care about you and it
will only upset them, perhaps even alienate them. Especially if there
is nothing that they can do to help you, which most likely there is
not.
Stay in touch with yourself and the situation, and know your feelings.
SENSE OF HUMOR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some day this will make a wonderful night club act. Like the plumbing
disasters, the frozen weekend, the amazing car hassles. Watch for
punch lines. Most misery is comedy and vice versa. Not all of it,
perhaps. Sickness and death of loved ones is an exception, but your
own sickness and adventures may one day be looked at in a humourous
light... Like your Kidney Stone Story, you can turn most things into
an interesting or entertaining tale. This will be no exception.
Think of it as an interesting diversion, for it is indeed that.
ACTION
~~~~~~
In the end, this is the only way you will solve the problem. Do
something. ANYTHING, even the WRONG thing. Get off dead center.
Don't do anything drastic unless it is necessary, unless other things
don't work. Don't try and solve it all at once. That's why it seems
unsolvable. Tackle the easy sh*t first, and pick away at it. You may
find that it isn't big sh*t at all, just a lot of little sh**. break
things down into their basic components ando something, do one little
thing today. One tiny little thing. See if you don't feel better.
Trust me.
VISION
~~~~~~
You can see where you want to be. You have the tools to get there.
You can build bridges or swim if you have to. It takes effort, but
provides challenge. It is up to you to accept the challenge and solve
the problem. Most problems will solve easiliy for you in time. Use
your tools. Step back from it all, if you can, and see how it got
that way, and what you can do to get out of it. You should be able to
do this. However if you can not get back far enough to see the
picture, find someone on the outside. A trusted friend, an interested
associate, or if need be, a professional. Understand that YOU must do
the solving, but to solve, you must first see. Usually it is more
than one factor that gets you into the misery state.
The last time you were there, it seemed like the whole world was wrong
and your luck was totally abominable. For a time it was. But from
sad fortune came strength, new friends and a couple of good stories.
AND once you solved a couple of the big hassles, the little hassles
were easier to deal with. In fact some of them were no longer hassles
at all.
You have a lot to offer the world, and yourself. You might not
believe it if anyone else told you that, but you can take it from me.
I'm not going to give you any crap about happiness being just around
the corner. There is another CORNER around the corner, and another
corner around that, THEN perhaps happiness, and THEN another CORNER.
Life is not "happily ever after", and it would be boring as hell if it
were. SO hold on to the happiness, and try and take some if it with
you around the next corner.
INNER PEACE
~~~~~~~~~~~
You have found this, and it is yours to keep. It comes from accepting
yourself, and the world, and from your personal religious convictions.
>From understanding what is happening in your mind and your heart. You
will always have this peace if you allow it to be felt, for it is
always there.
Just look at all the neat stuff you have going for you.
I hate pep talks. This is the part where the letter would say "go get
'em", but you do not need that bovine feces. Anyway, YOU choose where
you go and what you do. Whether you "get 'em" or not is up to you.
Or would you rather be a mule.
Love,
Gary
------------------------- CLIP -------------------------
Epilogue:
Since I wrote this letter, and it's companion, "The Love Letter", I
have never come to actually feeling so rotten that I wanted to end it
all. Perhaps my 20's were the hardest. Life did not get any easier,
but I did develop the tools mentioned above, and they DID work. I
have re read the letter every few years, to see if my attitudes have
changed any. I confess that in the 10+ years since they were written,
I do feel a bit different, and a LOT more mature, and able to deal
with things. EXPERIENCE is the best teacher. My own hardships have
later turned out to be GROWING and LIFE CHANGING experiences that were
all for the good.
Life is a really nifty deal.
--
=Marquette MI: It's Not the END of the world,
but you can see it from here=
== Gary Bourgois flash@lopez (rutgers!sharkey!lopez!flash)
GWN UPLink ==
== 3.950 Nationwide Amateur Radio Nightly after 0200z=
Learning Channel ==
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