Rich Sapphires, Red Devils & Gold Knickers
HellPopeHuey
trying to get somebody out of their pants
Its a pain in the neck, but a joy to the loins
we're told "be individual" while burning to join
too alone in a group and straddling a chasm
filled with odd alliances, in pursuit of orgasms
A man wins if he gets a woman in bed
A woman wins when she gets a man outside his head
where he's been taught to stand like an oak in a storm
hard as nails, by himself, always made to conform
to an isolating standard, inner stress as the norm
Tough it out, get a grip, drive the nails, mend the worn
and it don't help a bit that there's Internet porn
the reward for which is, statistically, winding up dead
20 years earlier, for being trapped in his head
She's taught "They also serve, who stand and wait"
but just standing around isn't all that damned great
so she sticks her chin out and gives it a shot
and gets handed her head on a plate
The last really nice guy she met along the way
was Republican, married, bipolar and gay
she just wants a fair shake, a foot rub & dinner
before she turns irreversibly grey
She wins if she can get him to change what he's doin'
and truly love her, wrap his mind around more than just screwin'
hawk and dove, always circling, maybe raising the roof
'cause she wants a ring to fit her dainty hoof
Symbol of unending love sometimes seen as a noose
cooks the goose 'cause he wanted a gander
He's up against an invisible army of her friends, old and new
with whom she can confer, compare notes on what to do
'bout this guy she'd like to have, but only on HER terms
while he thinks with his little head, takes her shopping and just squirms
The yard, kids & cars, she hopes to have it all
He's lookin' at her ass, hopin' to break down that wall
When that big stack of Legos finally falls
Her pals say "What a bastard, there there, you poor dear"
all he gets is to call her "That bitch," and have some more beer
70% don't care either way, its just some noise on the wind
20% are glad to say its you instead of them
9% just astound us, make it click and manage to win the day
and 1% just don't care either way
because they're busy fashioning aluminum hats to keep the aliens at bay
She wins most handily when she makes him lose a game
he wins best by NOT winning, if he has the heart and brains
to see that such a loss evaporates the chains
that had him by the balls anyway
Its not much different, even if you're gay
You still win or lose, top or bottom, that's the play
He thinks in 1-2-3s, while she cuts across lines
but going diagonal is what wins the day
You can be the smartest kid in the class
and the prize will be you having to sit on your ass
while they teach the dumbest one to wipe his or hers
your heart only gets one real chance to recite
maybe 70 years, yet the show can close in one dark night
I wonder how many women blow their gaskets as teachers
on dumbasses who really belonged in the bleachers
Pick a card, any card, everybody's a winner
unless you pick some handsome, knuckleheaded sinner who got under your radar
A guy who can fix your car but makes you drive it to the loony bin
It did you too little good, letting a bad choice win
Th-th-th-that's all folks!
Maybe he's the prince for whom so many hanker
but a pair of nice knockers makes him fall for a wanker
with the brains of a badger who keeps house with a rake
and it takes him a decade to see his mistake
Two or three like that and his dick's in the dust
'cause the prince gave up his crown for a bushel of lust
and missed that nice teacher by an inch on a bus
The whole damned thing's like a ferris wheel of bad jokes
Th-th-th-that's all folks!
So many slug it out like foolish gangs on the street
they wanna hear the music, but they're clueless 'bout the beat
The finest violin is just some fanciful wood
'til a player picks it up, makes it sing, makes it good
It sure is funny, how a tree merely stands
'til it gets cut down and the wood's in the hands
of a molder and shaper who turns it into something greater
that touches both the heart and the glands
So I wrestle with my girlfriend, I wrestle with the bills
I wrestle with a world that's just writhing with ills
I wrestle with tire changes, laundry and pills
Oh Calgon, take me AWAY!
I wrestle with my demons, 3 falls outta 4
I wrestle out of turn and wind up on the floor
yet the effort garners prizes I win in so doing
for which I'd never trade a single day
So hooray for finding that middle ground of legend
Let's hear it for ringin' that bell
A little means a lot in a big pile o' nuthins'
A kiss beats a fall down a well
She said I was kind, that I gave her such comfort
that my tongue came with multiple charms
and the world's shrill gyrations faded like fog
when she fell fast asleep in my arms
No, I've not been a general or captain of industry
the world sends me few accolades
but there's Big and there's Small and there's Just In-Between
Odd heroes who still make the grade
Once you are dead, you shut up like hell,
so I stand up and let out my hollers
I grab for the ring when it spins 'round my way
I bet you'll buy THAT for a dollar!
I don't have The Answer, just facts and suspicions
In that, I'm no different than you
I know how the heart works, but not why it quickens
We're allowed not much more than a clue
She probably won't make the cover of Cosmo
and I sure won't be seen on GQ
but we click and we laugh and we do pretty well
and by God, I think that'll do
--
HellPope Huey
My name isn't really HellPope Huey,
but I still approve this Church
"I'm gonna kill you and mount your head on the TV."
- "That 70s Show"
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Fred Allen