SHADES OF BLONDE: How to Tell Nordics Apart
Ruth M. Sylte
author John Louis Anderson's _Scandinavian Humor and Other Myths_. The
visuals, unfortunately, can't be included and I apologize to Nordics for the
continuing incorrect references to all Norden as "Scandinavia".....
SHADES OF BLONDE: How to Tell Scandinavians Apart
The notion that Scandinavians are indistinguishable from one another is a
malicious myth that is easily disproved. Anyone who announces at Syttende Mai
that he is Swedish will quickly discover how non-interchangeable Scandinavians
truly are.
We feel that if the Irish, for example, can distinguish with such clarity and
ferocity between the north and south of a single country, people can certainly
be expected to notice the differences between five separate nations.
One can easily learn to tell one Scandinavian from another.
Scandinavian/Americans make these distinctions all the time, usually with
substantial vigor, and occasionally with humor.
To illustrate these vast national differences, I photographed five men from
the five Scandinavian countries. Each model is named and his home address is
given. Such convincing photographic proof will certainly put an end to the
notion of the interchangeable Nordic.
NORWEGIAN
Knut Staale Bjoernhaug
Smedsrudsveien 28F
Tromsoe, Norge
Norwegians love the out-of-doors and can easily be distinguished by their
ruddy complexions, gained from endless hours of skiing. The mountain terrain
of Norway makes Norwegians cautious to a fault, and they avoid any
precipitate action that might cause them to lose their balance and fall off
the side of the fjord.
Norwegians are quite proud of their explorers and sailors. Norwegian
expeditions have explored both the North and South poles (neither one is much
colder than, say, Mosjoeen in the winter), and their sailors have been
sailing away from Norway since Viking days. Considering the hardships endured
by the Vikings -- terrible food, frequent ship sinkings, hostile natives in
the host countries -- they must have wanted to sail away from Norway *very*
badly.
It is perhaps a quibbling debate, best left to scholars, but there don't
seem to be many sagas about sailing *back* to Norway.
(Visual: Mr. Bjornhaug is dressed in a white shirt, dress pants, tie, and
clogs. He is wearing a Norwegian sweater, holding skis and a Norwegian flag.)
DENMARK
Jens Ebbesen
7 St. Kannikestraede
Aalborg, Danemark
The Danes are the most European of the Scandinavians, and certainly the
most gregarious. Visiting has always been easier in Denmark than the rest of
Scandinavia because Denmark is about as flat as you can get without being
bulldozed and paved. This may also explain why they end their names in "-sen"
instead of "-son", but I don't know why it would.
Danes are great cooks and hosts. Danish pastries, Danish open-faced
sandwiches and Danish aquavit are justly famous. Danish parties are
legendary, lasting so late into night that there is barely time to go home and
change clothes before the party resumes with a big breakfast.
The Danish language looks perfectly normal when written, and can often be
understood in that form. But when it is spoken, it sounds like, well, a
speech impediment. Nevertheless, Danes all seem to understand each other, and
remain cheerful. Perhaps they too, are chuckling about how their language
sounds.
(Visual: Mr. Ebbesen is dressed in a white shirt, dress pants, tie and
clogs. He is carrying a tray filled with open-faced sandwiches, aquavit
and a Danish flag.)
FINLAND
Toivala Maatemelaki
168 Pohjoisesplanadi
Helsinki, Suomi
Finns are the most easily distinguished of all Scandinavians, coming as
they do from an entirely separate stock and language group. Finns are known
for their high cheekbones and broad faces, and speak an entirely unrelated
language, except for those Finns who speak a form of Swedish called Finnska.
Finns are great designers. They have survived as a nation for centuries
by designing ways to keep from getting invaded by either Russia or Sweden.
After that, designing a little glassware, furniture or fabric is a snap.
With typical Scandinavian modesty (or feelings of inferiority), when the
Finns started marketing their dinnerware outside of Scandinavia, they named it
after other countries -- such as Arabia, or Ittala -- in hopes that exotic
locations would impart a mystique to their efforts. The ploy worked so well
that today people all over the world own beautifully designed crystal which
they think came from an OPEC country.
(Visual: Mr. Maatemelaki is dressed in a white shirt, dress pants, tie and
clogs. He carries a modernistic oil painting, glassware filled with aquavit
on a plate and a Finnish flag.)
SWEDEN
Borje Larsson
57 Stora Soedergatan
Ystad, Sverige
Swedes are all engineers and sociologists who enjoy pretending they are
peasants, even though peasants were outlawed at the turn of the century. The
communally minded Swedes were intensely embasrrassed at the though that some
of them were poor, so they changed the government, the laws and the rules.
That made all the Swedes financially secure, so they brought in "guest
workers" from Eastern Europe to do all the nasty work. Don't knock it. It
seems to work.
Swedish homes are full of Dala horses and painted wall plaques. These
plaques are very attractive, but those decorative phrases on them actually say
things like "You have to pay for the second cup of coffee," or "We're going to
export socialism to American and make them all ashamed of Vietnam."
Surprisingly, these same plaques sell very well in Scandinavian (gift)
shops in America, especially to people who do not speak Swedish.
You have to be very careful around anyone who looks like this, particularly
with a calculator built into a painted coffee pot.
(Visual: Mr. Larsson is dressed in a white shirt, dress pants, tie and clogs.
He is also wearing a striped tunic and carrying a painted Dala horse and a
Swedish flag.)
ICELAND
Thorbjoerner Sigurjonsson
32 Hafnarstraeti
Reykjavik, Island
Icelanders can be distinguished by sound alone because Icelanders are the
only Scandinavians who still speak Old Norse, the language of the Vikings. It
is a fact they never let you forget.
They are an intensely literary people who can (and do) recite page after
page of their own poetry, or the poetry of one of Iceland's many skaldic or
eddaic poets. They are not impressed with Americans whose idea of literature
is "People" Magazine.
Geographical locations in Iceland are often referred to by their literary
connections rather than the strict geopolitical notation on the map. "The
Gautrek's Saga area" or "the place where Hrafnekel killed So-and-So" are real
locations, and can be used as directions. Not by American tourists, of
course, but then that's half the fun.
Iceland is the only place where tourists need both a map and a copy of
Cliff Notes for a successful trip.
(Visual: Mr. Sigurjonsson is wearing a white shirt, dress pants, tie and
clogs. He is wearing a heavy Icelandic sweater and carrying tons of books, a
viking sword and an Icelandic flag.)
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Of course, the final joke (which translates ever-so-poorly to the written
word) is that it's the same guy in every picture.... :)
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Ruth M. Sylte rms...@uci.edu |
International Opportunities Program | "If you think education is
Center for International Education | expensive, try ignorance."
University of California, Irvine | - William Bennett
Irvine, CA 92717-2476 USA |
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