WARNING!!! The Dirty Joke Thread
Joe Fukawe
FOR THOSE THAT POSSESS SENSITIVITY TO DIRTY JOKES...PLEASE STOP READING
AND MOVE ON TO OTHER THREAD...THIS THREAD WILL GET VERY EXPLICIT AND
DEFINITELY CONTAIN ADULT CONTENTS...
==========================
Let's hear your best, most offensive dirty joke, doesn't have to be a
sex joke either, just dirty jokes. You can post as many jokes as you
like. Include any corresponding story, if applicable.
NO JOKES WITH RACIAL OVERTONES. As some of you people have shown an
inability not to occassionally stray into that path.
As usual, since I started it, I must go first...
Q. What's a used tampon use for?
A. Darcula's tea bag...
-------------------
q: Why did all the ladies love Jesus?
a: (spread your arms apart as though being crucified) He was hung like
this.
Joe
Souksanh
Just wanna add counting calories to this post...
It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until
now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of
different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent........................................ 12 Calories
Without her consent.................................. 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands......................................... 8 Calories
With one hand............................................. 12 Calories
With your teeth......................................... 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection........................................ 6 Calories
Without an erection.................................. 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary................................................... 12
Calories
69 lying down.............................................. 78
Calories
69 standing up............................................ 812
Calories
Wheelbarrow.............................................. 216 Calories
Doggy Style................................................ 326
Calories
Italian chandelier...................................... 2,912
Calories
ORGASMS:
Real...............................................................
112 Calories
Fake..............................................................
1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.................................. 18 Calories
Getting up immediately............................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.....816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years................................................ 36
Calories
30-39 years................................................ 80
Calories
40-49 years................................................ 124
Calories
50-59 years................................................ 1,972
Calories
60-69 years................................................ 7,916
Calories
70 and over................................................. Results
still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly........................................................... 32
Calories
In a hurry.................................................... 98
Calories
With her father knocking at the door...... 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......... 13,521 Calories
Souksanh
Joe Fukawe
So according to your figure...One should try to remove clothing without
consent, open the bra with teeth, putting on a condom without an
erection, do it while hanging on Italian Chanelier style, have a fake
orgasm, then explain why got out of bed in a sudden, get second wind
(erection), and afterward get dress in a hurry while your wife is
knocking at the door...would burn the most calories...interesting, got
to try it...but I know I'll have a hard time putting on a condom
without an erection though because it still 'schwing!' when a good
looking young lady walks by...
feel like singing, but I can't sing...
Oh..what the hell...got this song in my head now...so here goes...
ໂຮງສີນ້ອຍຫ້າຮ້ອຍກີບ...
ຂີ່ລົດຖີບໄປກໍ່ເຖິງ...
ມີທັງຫມຳດອຍແຫມງດອຍ
ເອົາມືໄປທັ່ງ...ຕື່ນຍຸບ
ເອົາໄຄໂປຍໃສ່...ມີແຮງ...
================
ສີໆ,ມື້ນີ້ສີສັນວັນດີ...
ໃຜເປີດໂຮງສີແລະສີເຂົ້າເກັ່ງ,ສີເຂົ້າຫມັ່ນຈະມັ່ງຈະມີຈະລ່ຳລຈະລວຍ...
ສີທັງຕອນເຊົ້າ,ສີທັງຕອນເວັນ,ຕອນບ່າຍ,ຕອງແລງ...
ສີເອົາຮຳເຂົ້າພ້ອມກະມີ...ສີເອົາຮຳເຂົ້າອອກະມີ...
ສີເອົາເຂົ້າແກບກະມີ...ແກບເດີ້...ບໍ່ແມ່ນໂຕຕໍສະລະແxດ,ແດດແຈ້ງໆເດີ້!!!
ສຳລັບຂ້ອຍແລ້ວ,ມັກແຕ່ສີເອົາເຂົ້າອອກເທົ່ານັ້ນເດີ!!!
Joe
Joe Fukawe
share...after all, if we can't laugh at the face of danger...what would
we do? Just remain in shock and speechless? Not me, people...read on
for those that think they can handle it...
-----------------------------
Hurricane Jokes
Q.> Why are hurricanes named after women?
A.> Because they arrive all wet and wild and when they leave they take
your house and your car.
Q.> Why are hurricanes named after men?
A.> Because they're noisy, make a huge mess, and if you look into
their eyes there's nothing there.
NOTE: They are however called HURricanes and not HISricanes...
Q. whats the difference between hurricane bonnie and hurricane monica?
A. hurricane monica blew a crooked path
A. hurricane bonnie induced only one surge (vs 18)
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Hang on to your nuts - this isn't going to be a regular blow job!
Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane
in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
A man once asked his friend the difference between a cyclone, A
hurricane
and a divorced wife.
Nothing, They all get the house.
What do anabolic steroids and Hurricane Gilbert have in common?
They make Jamaicans run like hell.
I understand that in Dade county, there's a run on flat house paint.
H U R R I C A N E S U R V I V A L Q U I Z
--------------------------------------------
1. How are hurricane's names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book
d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them
2. What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
c. Costly
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the
Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West
at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key
West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a blowhard
like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop and ask
directions; she'll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West
4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a
hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing that enters your mind?
a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!
e. The windshield
5. A hurricane is dangerous if...
a. you get in it's way
b. it's had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way
6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings
7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it - QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush
d. Two words -- Duct tape
8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to
be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building
9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance
d. Go on a picnic, to the beach
10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls
11. Where should you evacuate?
a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of Florida's
many mountain tops
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft
12. Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin' away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50'
----------------------------------------------------
What did the tornado say to the other tornado?
You turn me on.
What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.
What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
You're shocking.
What did one tornado say to the other?
Let's twist again, like we did last summer...
------------------------
President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a
recent tornado. There was one awkward moment, when the President looked
at the tornado damage and said, 'Don't worry, we're going to get
whoever did this.'
Joe Fukawe
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years
ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,
and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
===========
What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blowjob with handlebars
===========
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
===========
Q: Why is a dick the dumbest thing in the world?
A: It has a head but no brain, an eye but can't see, hangs around with
two nuts, lives around the corner from an asshole, and his best
friend's a pussy.
Hoynum
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him
up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
SeMaKuTe
A teacher asked HIS class, "What do you want out of life?"
>
> A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of
> life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
>
> The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
>
> The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger
> in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
>
> The teacher fainted!
w/l