Jewish jokes

[Robert Kaiser]

Time to repost a bit of modern midrash, a bit originally posted by
Dan Leeson to s.c.j on Jan 31, 1995.

---------- ========= ---------- ========== ----------

Let me tell you a joke. It seems in a certain village in the pale of
Russia in the mid 1850s there was a great unbeliever. In Hebrew, such
a person is called an Apikoros, plural Apikorsim. This guy was a really
BIG apikoros. He ate lobster, worked on Shabbat, refused all religious
duties.

He used to visit other towns that had Apikorsim to show that he was a
bigger Apikoros than they were!! Roast pig with shrimp sauce was mother's
milk to him.

One day he heard that in Vilna, there was a man called "The Great
Apikoros." And he was, supposedly, the greatest apikoros in the world!!
So this guy heads for Vilna to see this man with such a reputation.

When he arrives in Vilna he asks where he can find the great apikoros
and is told that he is in shul on the east side of town in the Hassidic
section. What? An apikoros in shul? He must be there eating
impermissable foods just to show those Hassidim what a real apikoros can
do.

So the guy finds the shul and enters and men are sitting around the
table studying Talmud. One of them is making brilliant points. And
our friend asks the shammus which of these men is the great apikoros?
The shammus points out the man making the brilliant points.

He goes to him and says, "Are you the great apikoros?" to which the
man agrees that he is. There is probably no one in all the world who
is as much of an apikoros as he. To which our friend makes note of all
the things that he sees that are inconsistent with being an apikoros:
studying, learning, teaching, praying.

The great apikoros asks our friend if he does these things. "No, I don't
and I eat what I like and I do what I please. I don't pray, I don't
learn, and I don't study."

The great apikoros stands up and shouts, "You are not an apikoros. You
are an ignoramus!!"

The moral is that it takes a lot of learning to be a really qualified
apikoros. Some day, if I work very hard, I may get to be an apikoros.
Right now, I am just an ignoramus.

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Heard from an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi:

A woman is riding a bus in the midwest, when a man gets on the bus
and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"

She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off
your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I'm Amish."

The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."

[Colin Rosenthal]

On Wed, 10 Sep 1997 15:41:13 GMT,
Septimus <f...@world.std.com> wrote:
>Many years ago, a Jewish lad from New York City was admitted to Yale as an
>undergraduate. His greatest ambition in life was to be admitted to the
>most prestigious Yale secret society, so he had his nose bobbed, changed
>his name to "Phelps McLeod, III" and undertook speech training to sound
>like a Northeast establishment WASP.
>
>He was successful in passing himself off as a WASP preppie and in due
>course he was invited to the famous Yale society for an interview.
>
>Unfortunately, he was so nervous he forgot his new WASP name, and when he
>had to introduce himself, he said the first words to pop into his head:
>"Ah, schon vergessen!"
>
>Whereupon, the club member escorted him to the door, and said, "I'm sorry
>Mr Ferguson, but this club doesn't take Irish Catholics."

I thought this was the one where...

At the end of a perfect interview, the chairman asks one final question
"Now, Mr Smythe, I hope your not offended but may I ask to what religion
you adhere?" To which the jewish boy replies "I, Sir, am of the goyish
faith".

--
Colin Rosenthal
High Altitude Observatory
Boulder, Colorado
rose...@hao.ucar.edu

[Septimus]

[DocForRox]

rose...@asp.hao.ucar.edu (Colin Rosenthal) writes:

>On Wed, 10 Sep 1997 15:41:13 GMT,
>Septimus <f...@world.std.com> wrote:

>I thought this was the one where...

>At the end of a perfect interview, the chairman asks one final question
>"Now, Mr Smythe, I hope your not offended but may I ask to what religion
>you adhere?" To which the jewish boy replies "I, Sir, am of the goyish
>faith".

No, no, even better is the one about the three Jewisg guys who converted
to Christianity and were talking one evening at the (gentiles-only)
country club.

The first one says, " Well, actually, I only converted so that could
could marry my WASP boss's daughter, The blueblooded family wouldn't
accept me otherwise."

The second one said, "I only converted so I would be appointed to my
current hight political office. This is the Bible Belt, you know [and
this joke is also over 30 years old] and a Jew wouldn't have a chance at
such a job."

The third one says, " Well, I converted becuase I really believe that
the spiritual teachings of Christianity are superior to that of Judaism,
and I received Jesus..."

The other two looked at the thrid and said together, "Come on, be
serious, what do you think we are, a couple of goyim?"