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A Taxonomy of Usenet Posters A) Nice People
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Vernon Pugh
May 15, 2013, 11:07:15 AM5/15/13
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A Taxonomy of Usenet Posters, including handy field identification tips and a first description of two new species and one new variant.
By Professor Vernon H. Pugh, Kimmage Institute for Technology, Department of Psychopathology
A) Nice People
1) The Nice Person
The nice person is always nice. They say nice things. Even when confronted by rude or outrageous posts, they prefer to remain silent rather than be confrontational.
Typical post excerpt: “That is nice”
Typical usernames e.g. Florence, Jeremy, Happycelt, Smiley, Brownbreadmaker
2) The Nice but Insecure Poster
This species is easy to confuse with species 1) but can be easily distinguished by continuous and careful observation over time. They try to be nice and can sustain niceness over extended periods of time but they are vulnerable to misunderstandings or being trolled which leads inevitably to flame wars. These flame wars continue indefinitely until one of the posters loses their internet connection, discovers religion, loses their religion, gets a life, loses a life or occasionally they snap out of it and become nice again but this is rare and is usually merely a prelude to a new cycle of niceness followed by bitter interminable flaming.
Typical usernames e.g. Victor Armband, Auntie Edna, The Man Who Fell to Monaghan
3) The Nice but Grumpy type
This species is easily distinguished from species 1) but displays very similar field characteristics to species 2) in the terminal or display stage of their condition. They can then also be confused with certain subtypes of B) Wankers and C) Gobshites or can simply be confused. They always start off by being nice. Again, like species 2, they can sustain niceness for extended periods of time. However, often due to external circumstances such as alcohol, lack of alcohol, a bad result on the pools, a poor choice of sandwich at lunchtime, a blow to the shins, a frightening apparition etc., they inevitably become grumpy and flame incessantly. Species 2) and 3) can be readily distinguished by episodes of penitence and remorse in the face or misfortune befalling an opponent in a flame war. The Nice but Iinsecure types will sympathise profusely and try to make amends whereas the Nice but Grumpy types will make a smart remark or remain silent.
Typical Usernames e.g. Armitage Shanks, Twyfords Adamnant
4) The Sensible Poster
These are very rare. Where they do exist, they have the capacity to halt a flame war with a single post containing a display of simple insight or a witty remark. They rarely get involved in flame wars and almost no one ever disagrees with them or contradicts them on factual grounds. Sensible Posters are not to be confused with Nice Posters who also never flame but who are merely content with being nice. Sensible Posters are the kind of people who, in real life, would be Captains of Industry or Out Halves on ladies Rugby Teams.
Typical usernames: Dangerman, Jules East
By Professor Vernon H. Pugh, Kimmage Institute for Technology, Department of Psychopathology
A) Nice People
1) The Nice Person
The nice person is always nice. They say nice things. Even when confronted by rude or outrageous posts, they prefer to remain silent rather than be confrontational.
Typical post excerpt: “That is nice”
Typical usernames e.g. Florence, Jeremy, Happycelt, Smiley, Brownbreadmaker
2) The Nice but Insecure Poster
This species is easy to confuse with species 1) but can be easily distinguished by continuous and careful observation over time. They try to be nice and can sustain niceness over extended periods of time but they are vulnerable to misunderstandings or being trolled which leads inevitably to flame wars. These flame wars continue indefinitely until one of the posters loses their internet connection, discovers religion, loses their religion, gets a life, loses a life or occasionally they snap out of it and become nice again but this is rare and is usually merely a prelude to a new cycle of niceness followed by bitter interminable flaming.
Typical usernames e.g. Victor Armband, Auntie Edna, The Man Who Fell to Monaghan
3) The Nice but Grumpy type
This species is easily distinguished from species 1) but displays very similar field characteristics to species 2) in the terminal or display stage of their condition. They can then also be confused with certain subtypes of B) Wankers and C) Gobshites or can simply be confused. They always start off by being nice. Again, like species 2, they can sustain niceness for extended periods of time. However, often due to external circumstances such as alcohol, lack of alcohol, a bad result on the pools, a poor choice of sandwich at lunchtime, a blow to the shins, a frightening apparition etc., they inevitably become grumpy and flame incessantly. Species 2) and 3) can be readily distinguished by episodes of penitence and remorse in the face or misfortune befalling an opponent in a flame war. The Nice but Iinsecure types will sympathise profusely and try to make amends whereas the Nice but Grumpy types will make a smart remark or remain silent.
Typical Usernames e.g. Armitage Shanks, Twyfords Adamnant
4) The Sensible Poster
These are very rare. Where they do exist, they have the capacity to halt a flame war with a single post containing a display of simple insight or a witty remark. They rarely get involved in flame wars and almost no one ever disagrees with them or contradicts them on factual grounds. Sensible Posters are not to be confused with Nice Posters who also never flame but who are merely content with being nice. Sensible Posters are the kind of people who, in real life, would be Captains of Industry or Out Halves on ladies Rugby Teams.
Typical usernames: Dangerman, Jules East
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