Christmas Jokes
Special Care
Does anyone want to put some seasonal jokes here over the next few
weeks?
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party, which had got slightly out of
hand after they held an informal "beauty contest" by sitting on the
photocopier with their pants down, John woke up with a pounding
headache and completely unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he staggered downstairs, where
his wife put some strong coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, her voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete arsehole of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company
to his face."
"Oh no! How did he react?"
"He fired you."
"Oh no ! Fuck him ! " said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"
Vernon Pugh
wrote:
did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish
True Blue
"Vernon Pugh" <dazzh...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:4c26bf48-2819-4084...@d42g2000prb.googlegroups.com...
What's funny about that?
Special Care
> "Vernon Pugh" <dazzhigg...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
>
> - Show quoted text -
---------------
I think you have a hidden agenda, sourpuss.
DVH
"True Blue" <t...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:E4ydnYUu0YxvJNrU...@giganews.com...
I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.
True Blue
"DVH" <d...@vhvhvhvh.com> wrote in message
news:4947c025$0$513$bed6...@news.gradwell.net...
Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?
DVH
"True Blue" <garyb...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:q6ydnX10AuTMUNrU...@giganews.com...
Not too good - she went of her own accord.
Westprog
> "True Blue" <garyb...@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:q6ydnX10AuTMUNrU...@giganews.com...
>>>>> did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
>>>>> uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc,
>>>>> soc.culture.irish
>>>> What's funny about that?
>>> I say I say I say, my wife had to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups.
>> Five newsgroups??? How does she smell?
> Not too good - she went of her own accord.
My mother-in-law is such a bad driver she crossposted to 5 newsgroups.
John Bennett
"Vernon Pugh" <dazzh...@hotmail.com> wrote
did you have to crosspost this to 5 newsgroups?
uk.legal, us.legal, alt.uk.law, uk.politics.misc, soc.culture.irish
Why not?
You did:-))
job...@hushmail.com
> DVH wrote:
> > "True Blue" <garybagg...@gmail.com> wrote in message
My mother-in-law is in the KKK - she posted crosses to 5 newsgroups.
Mike
<Special...@googlemail.com> wrote:
>We all need a laugh, now more than ever.
<snip the crappest 'joke' ever>
You are Gina Yashere and I claim my five pounds
--
Special Care
CANDLES
===========
Two sea captains were sitting in a dockside bar when one turned to
the
other and said:
'You know what gets me though, it's these damn sailors..... or sure,
they're OK for the first few weeks, but then they start missing their
women...... there's so much jerking off going on, it's a wonder any
work ever gets done, and it costs me a fortune in cleaning bills.'
The older man smiled knowingly at his younger colleague.
'Oldest trick in the book. Before you leave port, buy about twenty
big
barrells. Then tell the crew you're holding a competition. Divide the
crew into two teams and tell them whichever team fills the most
barrels
will win a bag of gold when you get back to port.'
'Well, that's a great way of keeping the ship clean,' said the
younger
captain, 'but then I'm out a bag of gold each trip.'
'Not so,' said the older man. 'When you get back to port, just sell
those barrels to the candle factory in that town and they'll use that
stuff for making candles. You'll make a tidy profit each trip.'
Well, the young captain thought about what his older colleague had
said, and decided to give it a try. So he bought twenty huge big
barrels and when he left port again he explained the new regime to
the
crew. Well the crew took to the new system enthusiastically, and soon
each team was filling barrel after barrel. When the ship returned to
port the captain sold the barrels to the candle factory and made a
huge
profit.
'This is great,' he thought. Soon I'll be a rich man.
But.......
The next time the captain pulled into the same port, he was surprised
to find the cops waiting for him. As he walked down the gangplank,
the
sergeant slipped the handcuffs on his wrists, and the captain yelled:
'hey, what's the meaning of this?'
The cop replied: 'you dirty bastard; remember those barrels you sold
to
the candle factory in this town?'
'Sure, what about it?' replied the captain.
'Well,' said the cop, 'they made candles out of that stuff, then sold
them to the convent, and now all our nuns are pregnant.'
onlyme
So this nigger walks into a club....no sorry, it was a truncion!
DVH
"Special Care" <Special...@googlemail.com> wrote in message
news:2a43fbd4-9eff-43f7...@a37g2000pre.googlegroups.com...
So what happened then?
Vernon Pugh
wrote:
My newsreader is acting up; I am missing the punchline here or
something.
Was there more to this joke?
DVH
It's an advent joke. You get a little bit each day, then he delivers the
punchline on the 25th.
Westprog
"Candles out, sisters."
Special Care
ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to
undergo a series of tests.
He wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the
phone beside his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the
results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely
contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes,"
explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what treatment are you
going to give me?"
"Well, first we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and
pitta bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me, Doc?" he enquires anxiously.
"No, but it's the only type of food we can shove under the door."
=====================================================
Special Care
"Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I
can't think straight! I need help!"
The doctor says to his patient,
"You know what?, I used to have the same problem as you, and whenever
I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal,
gives me a foot massage, licks my nipples and ......... well (smiles
sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It
worked!"
The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"
"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house, Doc!"
Meta
That's great! Have you ever seen the movie, "What About Bob?" with
Bill Murrary? You gotta see it!
John Bennett
bringing out a new biscuit covered in light brown chocolate and depicting
Louis head.
It will be in the shops for Xmas just look out for Wogon
Wheels,allegedly:-))
Special Care
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2. I believe there's only one time when we need to hurry, and that's
when the cops are coming up the stairs.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off till tomorrow what I can forget about
forever.
Lou Ravi
> "Candles out, sisters."
In the same (awful) vein (and to be spoken rather than read) "where's
the soap?", "yes it does doesn't it".
Special Care
--------------
I admit I'm not sure what you mean by the above. I'm a bit slow
sometimes.
--------------
==============================
The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in
the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept
there.
"Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no
women, and sir, sometimes the men have... urges. That's why we have
the camel, sir."
The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this disgraceful
practice, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the captain starts missing his wife and having a
real problem with his own urges, and asks the sergeant to bring the
camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the captain
stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. When he
is done, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel
into town and park him outside the brothel."
Special Care
She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until
I can have sex again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever
asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"
eugene
The other doctor said, "It depends on whether you have a private room or
not"
--
And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make
Special Care
teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers...
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
John Bennett
ROTFLOL!
Way to go General, way to go:-))))))
Special Care
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she
seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the
weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was
absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to
do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
"Phew, I really got the Ice Maiden tonight," thought the young man to
himself, and using some excuse, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy!" said the girl.
Special Care
bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he
says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he
stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says,
"I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500
IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he
started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was
caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god,
oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five
hundred dollars?"
John Bennett
When will I ever learn NOT to be drinking snortable coffee:-)))?
Special Care
seats, starts yelling,
"From here to the right everybody is an arsehole! From here to the
left, everybody is a son of a bitch!"
One angry passenger stands and replies "Wait a minute! I am not an
arsehole!"
The drunk shouts back, "So move to the other side then!"
Special Care
bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Paddy asks.
"The good news is I think you're really cute, Paddy boy."
Special Care
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he
never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never
takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As
she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Special Care
doctor about it.
The doctor asked her to open her blouse and was horrified to see her
chest all covered in black hair.
The doc said:
"Well, I've never seen anything like this before Miss. Now tell me,
how far down does this hair go?"
She replied:
"Oh right down to my bollocks."
Old Jinglebollocks
There once was a whore from Peru,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
"If they pay to get in",
She said with a grin,
"They can pay to get out again too."
There was an aul' whore named McGee
An sure she was all right for a spree
She said, "for a fuck, I'll charge half a buck,
An' I'll throw in me arsehole for free."
There was a young lady from China,
who had an enormous vagina.
And when she was dead,
they painted it red,
and used it for docking a liner.
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
Wiping cum from his chin
He remarked with a grin
"If me ear wus a cunt I could fuck it!"
There was a young woman named Alice,
used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and a piece of her arse up in Dallas
Fair Jennifer's beyond compare.
Her eyes are bright, shiny and rare.
Her lips are divine,
in fact, she'd be fine
Were it not for her dirty derriere
==========================================
Special Care
Special Care
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5
for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But
they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
A month later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation
center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth firmly closed] "Uhh uhh."
Special Care
The dentist lowers her into the reclining position and asks her to
open her mouth wide.
"Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out for you!" says the
dentist.
"Oh no sir, I can't stand the pain. I'd rather have a baby !!!" cries
the lady.
The dentist replied:
"As you wish, madam, but first I will have to adjust the chair for
us."
Old Jinglebollocks
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My boss replaced me with a computer / my wife replaced me with a .....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux
She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."
So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and
realistic!"
They soon told the aul' Duchess of
Fyfe,
An' her crony, the Alderman's wife;
And they found it so
pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their
life.
It was tried by the grand Mrs Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go
fiddle!"
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche, and a diddle."
It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for me
arsehole."
It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a layman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fuck's as effective with water."
Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it.
Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard
Salique,
Thou shalt purchase - complet avec talic
-
Pour soixante francs cinq
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur
Hydraulique.
Special Care
"I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist
yet!"
Agatha replied:
"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."
Muriel said:
"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is
so old, and he seems to be an alcoholic!"
Agatha answered with a smile,
"Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"
Special Care
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, virginal and pure, untarnished with the sins
of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through an
unsavoury part of town on the way to the reception.
"Oh, Cedric, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh Emily, don't look, they're just street women who hire their bodies
out for sex at fifty pounds a time."
The bride replied:
"Wow, fifty pounds! The priests only gave us a bar of chocolate !"
Special Care
amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the
fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with
me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he
went golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he
got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old
guy want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Special Care
While the swindlers were taking up the collection, John leaned forward
and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his
car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the
finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at
Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School
class?"
Well, John was taken aback a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School
class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his
car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd
risked a rebuff twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose by
trying just one more time.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel
with me?"
"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn and drove back
to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in
the bed, looking so virginal and pure, and was wracked with guilt
feelings about what he and she had done the night before.
"What have I done to this holy, decent and pure Christian girl?
thought John.
When she woke up, he said:
"Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, "What are you going to tell
your Sunday School class about last night?"
Marie said,
"The same thing I always tell them....
...........You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Special Care
morning.
A woman comes in and is browsing around. She sees a pink dildo on a
shelf and ask the price.
"$12.95," he said.
She bought it and left the store.
Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty
blue one on the back wall.
"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.
He said, "$25.00."
"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.
"Well, it has a vibrator in it."
She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She
paid for it and left the store, too.
He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when
another woman walked in the door.
She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green
with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."
He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"
She said, "Why not I will give you $150.00 for it."
He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the
shop and went home.
His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"
He said, "I sold my thermos flask for $150.00!"
Special Care
She raises her right arm, as thick as a wrestler's thigh, revealing a
huge, hairy armpit, as she points to all the men at the bar and
demands:
"Which of you is man enough to buy this lady a drink?"
The bar goes deathly silent as the drinkers try to ignore her. But
down at the end of the bar, a retired old drunken sailor slams his
hand down on the bar and bellows,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman disposes of it in one
gulp.
She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and demands:
"Which of you is man enough to buy this lady a drink?"
Once again the same old seaman slapped his money down on the bar and
said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the old drunk and said,
"Look, mister, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high, and with no knickers on,
has got to be a ballerina."
Special Care
passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to
classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good
morning ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this
morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue
the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She
greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of
the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she
had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed
to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile
on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary.
I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you
today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I
have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have
said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the
face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that
you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
Special Care
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this
would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold
coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as
the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for
the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a
hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared
less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this
matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underpants, front and back. The King
immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.
Special Care
announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy
weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and
many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The barman says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby
that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The barman is puzzled.
"Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth!"
The proud Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over the bar and
proudly announces: "...had him circumcised."
Special Care
stray oysters, when he heard a shout from the water.
A big fat Texan billionaire had gone for an early morning swim and had
got into trouble.
Honest Joe dived in and pulled the Texan to the shore.
The Texan stood up and said:
"Son, you've saved my life. I'm going to reward you. Tell me what you
want, and I'll make it happen. I'm from Texas."
Honest Joe replied:
"It was no trouble, sir. I was happy to help. I don't want any
reward."
The Texan bellowed:
"No, I insist. You saved my life. I'll give you anything you ask
for."
Honest Joe replied:
"Well, if you really insist, I suppose it's no harm to get a little
gift. My friends keep inviting me to play golf, so I guess I'd like to
have a set of golf clubs."
"Done!" bellowed the Texan, and after getting Joe's phone number, he
slapped him on the back and walked away.
A few days later, Honest Joe's phone rang, and it was the Texan on the
other end.
"Hey Joe," he said, "Look, I've bought a dozen golf clubs for you, but
I'm sorry to have to tell you that three of them don't have shower
rooms and massage parlours."
Special Care
four nuns die. They get in line and ring the bell at the gate of
Heaven and wait for St. Peter to inspect them.
St. Peter opens the gate and says, "Oh yes, I heard about you. I
realize that you are Holy Sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if
you have anything to confess to me, that might make you unworthy of
entering Heaven."
The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went whispered
sheepishly in St. Peter's ear:
"I once touched a man's penis with this finger."
St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was in the line
of duty. Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around."
She did as she was instructed and St Peter raised the barrier and she
was in.
The second nun went to St. Peter and whispered, "I once touched a
man's genitals with my entire right hand."
Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within
your duties. Swirl your hand in that holy water and I'll let you in."
All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun.
St. Peter was confused by this.
"How come you cut in front of this Sister? I thought you nuns were
very polite."
The 4th nun replied,
"I just wanted to ask if I could gargle with that holy water before
she soaks her arse in it!"
Special Care
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Ahmed
NB:- Viagra doesn't come in bottles. It comes in blister packs.
Courtney Haddock-Lately
"Ahmed" <khan20...@tiscali.net> wrote in message
news:4aa10b77$0$4424$6e1e...@read.cnntp.org...
>
> NB:- Viagra doesn't come in bottles. It comes in blister packs.
>
And you'd know this because.....?
Oh dear, revealed a little too much there, haven't we?
Meta
wrote:
> "Ahmed" <khan2009p...@tiscali.net> wrote in message
What's wrong with honesty?
Prai Jei
continuum:
> Bill walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
>
> The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
>
> Bill says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
Don't understand the thread. What is Viagra?
--
ξ:) Proud to be curly
Interchange the alphabetic letter groups to reply
Ahmed
I use Viagra for medical reasons. What is the big deal or are you stuck
in your schoolboy toilet joke era?
Norman Wells
It doesn't work as well as Viagra.
Meta
I suppose, however, I have found that such things as Viagra, are not
necessary in an honest relationship. When two people feel safe with
one another, it opens up all sorts of possibilities. However, the
pharmaceutical companies don't want you to know that.
Special Care
while his wife was urinating.
As she stood up from the toilet, he looked at her and said, "I gotta
have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled her knickers down
again and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed
and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he pulled his pants back up and then he noticed his
wife still writhing against the door he said,
"That was the best ever, sweetheart. You've never moved like that
before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "oh no, that was a brilliant idea you had, my darling,
two pleasures at the same time, but now I can't get this doorknob out
of my arse."
Special Care
final exam paper.
The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his
head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again,
what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then
sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he
scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.
Special Care
Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat.
It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat
sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
Thinking she was consoling John for the death of his wife, the old
dear said to Joe:
"I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss, young man. You must feel
really terrible about losing her."
Then Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said,
"Heck no, ma'am, in fact I'm glad to be rid of her. She was a useless,
worn-out old crock right from the day I bought her. Her bottom was all
shriveled up and on top she smelled like old dead fish. She was always
losing her juice. She had a horrible crack in the back and a huge hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she
leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her out to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned
them that she wasn't much good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The
fools tried to get into her all at once and she split right down the
middle."
The old lady fainted.
IanAl
It'll soon be next Christmas.
Al
just around the corner
Special Care
decidedly over-enthusiastic with the vodka and lemonade.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to urinate. They were near
a graveyard and one of them suggested they do it behind a headstone.
The first woman had nothing to wipe herself with so she took off her
knickers and used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't
want to lost them, but was lucky enough to see a piece of paper on a
wreath nearby and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After adjusting their clothing, the two ladies made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said,
"These damn "Girls' Nights Out" will have to stop. My wife came home
last night blind drunk with no knickers on."
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card
stuck inside her knickers that said:
'From all of us at the Football Club. You enriched our lives in many
ways. You are in our thoughts always.'"
Special Care
group of his soldiers from one of his major defeats on the
battlefield.
With a weary little group he entered a small town and went up to the
first house and knocked on the door. The lady of the house opened the
door and Lee said,
"Ma'am, I'm General Lee of the Confederate States of America. Do you
have any extra beds for my men?
The woman answered, "Oh, sir, I have eleven children. But I could
manage to fit one of your men into the spare room."
Lee turned around and called out, "Sergeant Cox, proceed."
Sergeant Cox went on into the house and the group moved on to the next
house, which unknown to Lee, was the town brothel.
The Madam came to the door and Lee told his sad story and asked if she
had any beds for his men.
She replied, "oh sir, men are always welcome in this house. How many
of you are there?"
Lee looked around and said, "Fourteen men without Cox."
The Madam's jaw dropped and she said, "You gotta be kiddin?"
Special Care
>
> - Show quoted text -
------------------------------------------
What you are saying is true, Meta.
LOVE cures impotence, with no need for profiteering by the vivisection
syndicate.
If a man is seemingly impotent, the woman he is with needs to
understand that THERE IS SOMETHING LACKING IN THE WOMAN if the man's
penis does not become erect in her presence.
I don't mean that a woman should admit failure the first time. I mean
that if the girl truly loves her man, and if the girl forgets about
the vivisection syndicate and their poisonous drugs, and just
expresses love for her man, his penis will erect after a few days if
you just express true love for him.
Geoff
Do you have any idea what prostate cancer is?
Special Care
> Special Care wrote:
>
> > LOVE cures impotence, with no need for profiteering by the vivisection
> > syndicate.
>
> > If a man is seemingly impotent, the woman he is with needs to
> > understand that THERE IS SOMETHING LACKING IN THE WOMAN if the man's
> > penis does not become erect in her presence.
>
> Do you have any idea what prostate cancer is?
>
Yes, but I don't suffer from it.
I DID suffer from erection difficulties as a result of emotional
damage, and I found that a truly loving woman can easily make a man's
penis work well and erect fully (when the damage is only
psychological) if she just gives him the love that was withheld from
him by his mother and others.
So that's what I was referring to there.
Special Care
He walked up to the cashier and asked her for some glass trousers.
The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those."
The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.
The woman remarked that it was an acceptable advertising gimmick, and
besides - glass pants do not even exist.
The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of
glass trousers.
The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!"
The woman said,
"At first I could see you were crazy.....but now I can see your nuts!"
Special Care
It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping
the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As the illustrious Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto
the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as the illustrious Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
==================================================
Special Care
another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a flashy bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't fit you."
Special Care
Tearfully she explained,
"Oh, it's the pharmacist.... oh, such a disgusting man.. oh, he said
something terrible to me this morning on the phone."
"What did he say to you, sweetheart?"
When the husband heard his wife's reply, immediately the husband drove
downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
But as he started to berate him, the pharmacist told him,
"Now, just a minute, sir, just listen to my side of the story.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
”I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too
fast, I got a speeding ticket.
”Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat
tyre. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting for me to open up.
”I got the store opened and started serving these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels the phone was
still ringing when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
”Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it.
It was your wife, dialling our medical advisory service, and she was
requesting medical information about how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!”
Special Care
walked up to the car and saw a lovely blonde woman behind the wheel,
and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "Madam, I must require you to submit to a breathalyzer test
to determine whether you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and the cop studiously inspected the result.
Then the cop said: "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones,
Madam."
She blushed a dark red, and replied,
"Oh no, I'm so embarrassed, officer,
I didn't know it detected that too."
Special Care
"Hey you guys, I got something for ye............I'm of royal blood
and have an I.Q. of 165. I'd like to make a donation."
The nurse eagerly signs him up and gives him a sealed cup and directs
him to a private room with porn mags on the table.
Ten minutes later, the man hasn't come out. The nurse knocks on the
door.
"Sir, is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, Nurse. I used my right hand. I used my left hand.
I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to perform fellatio on him to
facilitate the procedure.
"I really appreciate this, Nurse, but what I was really saying to you
was that I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
Special Care
What's the difference between a nympho, a sex worker and a wife?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The sex worker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Special Care
After hearing her symptoms the doctor scheduled her for a complete
physical. Days later she returned to get the results. The doctor tells
her that everything came back normal.
He asks, "How's your appetite?"
She replied, "Great! I eat like a horse."
He then asks, "Do you sleep well?"
"About 8 hours a night," she said.
"How about your elimination?" he asks.
"Every morning about 7:20 AM" she replied.
The doctor thinks a minute then says, "There's something going on that
I can't put my finger on. I'm going to give you an antibiotic and see
if that will cure the problem."
These three germs inside her are listening to all of this and one of
them says,
"What are we going to do?"
One says, "I think I'll hide in the liver."
A second one says, "I think I'll hide in a kidney."
The last one says,
"You guys can stick around and get killed if you want to,
but I'm taking the 7:20 out of here."
Special Care
Did ye hear about the guy who was able to fuck fifty women... well,
ye
know, he was able to fuck fifty women, one after the other, at one
session.... and so he was boasting to all his friends in the pub
about
his exceptional virility...
........and one of his friends happened to be the owner of a
nightclub, and he started thinking that this would be a great act to
draw the crowds to his club...
...........so he had a word with the stud, and they drew up a
contract, and they advertised the show where this guy would fuck
fifty
women on stage at one session.....
Well, when the opening night came, the curtain went up, and this guy
he came out on stage with a huge big erection on him, with fifty
women
lined up behind him........
After all the announcements and drumbeats and fanfare of trumpets had
concluded, the guy got on with the real show, and started fucking the
women, one after another.....
.............well, this seemed like a real sensation, something
unprecedented in the history of the theatre........ he just kept on
fucking those women, one after the other..... ten... twenty....
thirty......
But......
....as he finished fucking number thirty-five, and was walking over
to
number thirty-six, the stud suddenly started to stagger..... and he
collapsed on the stage in a faint.....
Well, the audience started booing and yelling for their money
back..... and it looked like there was going to be a riot.....
.... they brought down the curtain, and the owner of the club rushed
out onto the stage where the medics were reviving the stud, and the
owner yelled at him:
"What the hell is this? You told me you were able to fuck fifty women
at one session. Now we're ruined. We'll have to give them all their
money back. What happened to you? What went wrong?"
And the stud lifted his head up off the stage and managed to gasp:
"Don't know, boss..... can't understand it............
.............everything seemed to go all right at the rehearsal this
afternoon."
Special Care
sex lives.....
.........and the first lady said that she had not had any sexual
gratification since her husband had died 5 years ago.
The second lady explained that she gets all the free sex she wants
with young studs at the supermarket.
Well this got the first lady's attention and she wanted to know how
the other gal managed that.
The second lady told her that when she went to buy groceries, she
parked her car as far from the entrance of the store as possible and
then as the young male porter carried her groceries to her
car..............she just let him know in a very subtle way that she
was available for sex.
Well the first lady had been brought up to be very polite and refined,
and was very hesitant about committing such an impure
act.................
............but one day she was feeling very sad and missing her late
husband and therefore feeling very horny with ancient desire.......
and decided...........................
............ what the heck, she was going to give it a try.
She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the entrance as
possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries, including lots of things
she didn't need!
As the young porter boy was carrying her groceries to her car
alongside her................ she kind of rubbed up against him and
whispered in a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice, saying:
"Young man, I've got an itchy pussy."
The boy turns to her and says:
"Lady, all of these foreign cars look alike to me.
You’re just going to have to point it out to me, lady."
Special Care
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor
condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her
in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he
asked, "Will you suck my prick?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Will you fuck me?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have
it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I'll suck your prick ! I'll fuck you !" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
========================================================
(2) A MAN CAN'T WIN:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet about it, you don't appreciate her.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a
pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a
sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want sex often, you are too demanding.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Special Care
Special Care
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as
he was greeted by his mother he said:
"I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your
father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work,
and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth."
Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said, "Please don't say a
word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he
saw the postman at his front door.
Little Tommy greeted him by saying,
"I know the whole truth."
The postman immediately dropped his bag and opened his arms saying,
"Then come and give your daddy a big hug."
Special Care
day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy
the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the
Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The
bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that
money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are
50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my
right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you
screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that
I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind,
I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy
pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of
your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of
the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of
drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a
skunk, he said,
"Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred
dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that
whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand
up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all
over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop
made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal,
you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
"That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand
bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make
you laugh!"
Special Care
the Holy Crotch Convent, Ballynagash.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and a younger nun,
Sister Magdalene was being trained to take over from Reverend Mother
Superior in attending to him. Sister Magdalene had been instructed not
to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, but just do
whatever he told her to do, while filling her mind with pure and holy
thoughts.
After mass next morning Reverend Mother Superior asked Sister
Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, Reverend Mother," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the bath, he asked me to wash
him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and
I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that if I accepted my penance, the
glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it
felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the Reverend Mother Superior, "he told
me it was the Angel Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40
years!"
IanAl
<special...@googlemail.com> wrote:
>Old Father John O'Mahoney was resident spiritual mentor to the nuns at
>the Holy Crotch Convent, Ballynagash.
[...]
Not very Christmassy.
Special Care
Special Care
they decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. Good luck!"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I had to
just finish off quickly, but we still got quite a good result."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good
Lord, she's fainted!!"
Special Care
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and
it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, as they're ahead of you, but
I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him to find out who he is, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Special Care
around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She
went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive",
she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for
£50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"£50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It performs fellatio on its
owner."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought
this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely
enjoy, and she'd never have to perform fellatio on her husband again.
The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the frog's unusual
talents. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try
it out that night.
The woman went to bed that night, greatly relieved, knowing she'd
never have aching jaw muscles again.
Around 2am she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the
kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the
kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table
like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked
the wife.
Her husband looks up at her and says,
"Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, you're outa here on your
arse, woman !"
Special Care
they were trying to convince a married friend that he should come,
too.
"I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me."
After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and
goes.
Later, looking at his watch, he realizes that it is midnight and he
still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a
way out of the trouble he's in.
Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom, without turning on the
light.
"I know!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's
legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her, giving his best
ever performance, until after ten minutes he hears the right noises.
"There, that'll keep me out of trouble," he thinks, as he walks into
the bathroom to wash his face.
He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE,... sitting on the toilet!
"What are you doing in here?" he screams.
"SSShhhhhh!" she says, "You'll wake my mother!"
Special Care
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive,
so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied
while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him. He was browsing through the dildoes, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old
man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, ones with anal attachments, and so on, but I don't
know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and
he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
P'nis."
"So what's this Voodoo P'nis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened
it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every
other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo P'nis, the keyhole."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly
with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the
middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo P'nis, return to box!"
The Voodoo P'nis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to £1,000 in cash and a gold tie pin.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo P'nis, my vagina !"
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was
gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several men who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the Voodoo P'nis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo P'nis, my vagina !"
The Voodoo P'nis shot to her slit and started pumping. It was
absolutely amazing, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After
three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense
orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked
for her licence, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo P'nis thing stuck in my
slit and it won't stop screwing me!"
The cop looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied,
" Oh yeah, sure... Voodoo P'nis, my arse !"
Ian Jackson
<c6f58625-26af-4499...@d27g2000yqn.googlegroups.com>,
Special Care <special...@googlemail.com> writes
Nice one!
--
Ian
eugene
"Special Care" <special...@googlemail.com> wrote in message
news:c6f58625-26af-4499...@d27g2000yqn.googlegroups.com...
"Nothing, nothing."
I don't believe a word of that!
--
And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make
Special Care
extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace
house.
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and
explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio
and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would
pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explains the model, "because of my job I
have to have a good soak in a bath every night, and I notice you only
have a shower."
"That's not a problem," replies Doris, "we have an old fashioned tin
bath out in the yard. Our grandparents used to bring it in to the
living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water. So we
can easily do the same for you."
"What about you're husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings,"
replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris
prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps
into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Doris' staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is
part of her job to shave off her bush.
Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not
believe her.
"It's true I tell you," says Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek
in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for
the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Doris, standing
behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model.
Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no knickers, points proudly to
her own thick hairy bush.
After closing time, Fred returns and they retire to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like that in my whole
life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your own bush?"
"Just to show you the difference," answers Doris. "But anyway, you've
seen my bush millions of times."
"Yes," says Fred, "but the rest of the darts team from the pub hadn't!"
Special Care
for serial rape. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a
young couple in their bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the
bed on the other side of the room. He got on the bed and it appeared
to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck.
Then he looked at the husband and said, "Don't try anything funny,
Mister. I'll be right back," and left the room.
The husband said sadly:
"I'm very sorry, Doris. I failed to protect you. Please don't resist
him. It's better if you don't resist."
"Dear," the wife whispered, "I'm glad you feel that way. You're right,
it's better not to resist. He wasn't kissing my neck, he was
whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we keep the anal lubricant in the bathroom."
Special Care
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He
called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter, a college kid,
came home with her college boy date.
After being informed of the problem, the boyfriend said he could get
the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out. The mother and daughter cheered for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young
man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
The mother then turned to the father and said,
"What a very smart young man! What's he going to be when he leaves
college?"
The father replied
"From the smell of his fingers ... I hope he will be our son-in-law !"
Special Care
Europe by car, on their way to meet the Abbot of Galati.
While driving through Transylvania they pause at a lonely crossroads
as the sun goes down.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Count Dracula jumps onto the hood of their
car and hisses through the windshield:
"I'm gonna suck your Christian blood outa ye, ye filthy Christian
whores ye !"
"Oh Holy Saint Patrick!" shouts Sister Brigid, "What shall we do?"
"Switch on the windshield washer," said Sister Assumpta, "I filled it
up with Holy Water in Italy."
So Sister Brigid turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the holy water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Brigid.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Assumpta.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Brigid.
She sticks her head out the window and shouts at Count Dracula:
"Get the fuck off our car or I'll beat the shite outa ya, ya filthy
stinkin' Eastern Orthodox heretic trash ya !"
Count Dracula's jaw dropped and he faded away into the misty twilight.
Special Care
jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.
The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey,
I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house screaming
hysterically. He heads straight to his father's house.
When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you
doin' here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your
new gal!"
The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin,
durn it!"
"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good
enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for
ours!"
IanAl
A cowboy had just got married, and on the wedding night the first
thing he did was to take all his clothes off and place them on a high
shelf. On being asked why by his bride, he replied, " Well I ain't
done it with a woman before, but if it's anything like with a cow,
this place is going to be ass high with shit!"
Special Care
>
> - Show quoted text -
I like realism, contact with real life, the way life really is.