VIVE LA FRANCE
Basil Oglenthorn
In honor of France's contribution to the
War against Terror, we present these
jokes about the French. To some, the
term "French Jokes" refers to
modern-day Frenchmen themselves.
The color yellow was not chosen by
accident for these comments.
We hope that this page is as deeply
offensive to anti-American French
people as their President's behavior has
been to us.
George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end
of the night, they are
cleaning there game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands,
throws a bottle of whiskey in the
air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol
and shoots the bottle out of the
air.
Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming,
"Viva la France". He, too,
pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.
George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls
out his pistol. Then he shoots
Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".
You are the President of the United States. Dozens of astronomers
have spotted a meteor that is
headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike
France in three days, at
approximately 3:30 a. m. EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe
France from the face of the
earth.
France and the UN have requested that the United States immediately
send all available ships and
aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of
French people are gathered
on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for U. S. ships to appear on the
horizon.
The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war
on terror overseas. As
President, you must decide: (1) Do you stay up that night to watch
live coverage of the impact, or
(2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day?
WHY NOW? The U. S. "needs more time" to consider the request for
evacuation. We need
absolute proof that there is a meteor. The alleged meteor is not
visible to the naked eye. UN
meteor inspectors should be sent to astronomical observatories next
month to spend 90 days
carefully examining photographic evidence of the alleged meteor, and
then present their findings to
the Security Council. The reason for the request should be carefully
evaluated, and the U.N.
should be asked to fully debate the subject and then give UNANIMOUS
consent to a resolution
showing that the whole world supports the request. The U. S. should
not act unilaterally, hastily,
precipitously, nor preemptively. EVERY member nation should
contribute ships to the effort
before the U. S. takes any action whatsoever.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
There's an old saying...
Raise your right hand if you like the French...
Raise both hands if you are French.
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French
one behind me."
---General George S. Patton
Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: Why do zee French have zee onion and zee Arabs has zee oil?
A: Because zee French had zee first pick.
Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill up his boots with water.
Q: Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog?
A: Yes, it is unfair to amphibians.
Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
A: To improve their breath.
Q: How are French babies born? A: With their hands up
(surrendering).
Q: How many generations does it take to learn ingratitude?
A: Trois
A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner.
She saw that American and
British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per
lb. She gasped and asked
the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint.
"No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price."
"Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the
cannibal.
"Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?"
replied the butcher.
Q: Wy don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A: He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is
French.
Conan O'Brien
Q: Why do Frenchmen wear berets?
A: So they know which end to wipe.
Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in
Afghanistan. Figures just like the French
to show up after the hard work has been done.
Jay Leno
Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone.
Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
A: Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.
Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of
American and British soldiers in the
Iraqi desert?
A: Mirage
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found
truffles in Iraq.
The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their
friends and always more than
willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemeies.
Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
Q: Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
A: So you can see their white flags better.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an
accordion.
The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.
Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when
he suddenly turned and
asked the Frenchman:
"Excuse me. Do you speak German?"
The Frenchman replied "No."
Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."
Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac
Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president?
A: Jacques ChIraq.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French
expression"? His friend scratches
his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
Q: Why is it good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it
for you.
Q: What is the French battle flag?
A: It is three white fleur-de-lies on a white background.
Q: Why do Frenchmen always wear yellow ties?
A: To match their teeth.
Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.
A: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
Q: More sand.
Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they
entered?
A: Table for one hundred thousand, sir?
Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your back yard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.
Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman?
A: Reverse!
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice
medicine?
A: He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame,
he was the best veternnarian
in town!
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it.
A French rifle for sale on ebay:
"It's never been fired and it's been dropped only once."
Q: Why do Frenchmen have moustashes?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won't fight for it.
President Bush and the french ambassador were debating the Iraqi
crisis. The President
explained:
"If we don't stop Hussein soon, any future conflict with this madman
would be a nuclear
bloodbath. "
The interpreter couldn't translate this, however, since there is no
word for "bath" in French.
Q: How many French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five:
1.one to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing.
2.one to turn tail and run.
3.one to roll over.
4.one to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied
sockets.
5.and one to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.
Q: What happens when a Frenchman doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
Q: How do you ruin a French party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, Chirac. He stands still and Europe revolves around him.
Q: What does "Maginot" mean in German?
A: Welcome!
Q: Why did the Frenchman sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how
great the French are at
screwing.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It doesn't matter; if you're depending on the French to do the
job, it's screwed anyway.
French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. The forward gear
exists in case they are
attacked from behind.
Q:Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A:So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q: Did you hear about the French helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: How do you break a Frenchman's finger?
A: Hit him on the nose.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.
Q: How do you confuse a Frenchman?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a Frenchman in suspense?
True quote from French President Jacques Chirac:
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.
Obviously he was speaking for the French!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Frenchman
In the middle of the
road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Perrier bottle in France?
A: Open other end.
Q: Did you hear about the French hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic French parachutes?
A: They open on impact.
Q: Did you hear about the French submarine with a screen door?
A: Don't laugh... it keeps the fish out.
George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a
Parisian sauna.
Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound.
President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping
stopped. The others looked
curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have
a microchip embedded
under the skin of my forearm."
Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone
ringing. Tony Blair lifted
the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime
Minister explained, "That
was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the
palm of my hand.
"By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of
low-tech. Without saying
anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned
momentarily. When he returned,
Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously.
It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the
Frenchman's posterior.
When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he
feigned astonishment:
"Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."
Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried.
Q: What color is the American flag?
A: Red, White, and Blue.
Q: What color is the British flag?
A: Red, White, and Blue.
Q: What color is the French flag?
A: White.
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.
Q: What did France used to be called?
A: Germany, and then we saved them.
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to
surrender.
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out
walking along the beach
together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of
it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the
genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land
in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France,
so that no one can
come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' - there was a
huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick
and nothing can get in or
out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells
better.
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a
goat under the other?
A: A bisexual.
An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are visited by a genie
who grants them one
wish each.
The Englishman wishes he was transported to a beautiful paradise.
The American wishes he was rich and famous.
The Frenchman wishes the Englishman and the American were back to
make his mind up for
him.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Frenchman out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: How did the German conquer France so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the French thought they were
leavling.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians at the
Pentagon.
A: The Axis of Weasels.
Q:The American military wears combat boots. What does the French
military wear?
A: Track shoes.
Q: How do you sink a French battleship?
A: Put it in water.
A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.
The bartender says "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here."
The Frenchwoman says "Excuse me...but that's a duck."
The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."
Despite making what most observers agreed were "obvious technical
errors," such as
surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan
war last night after the
French judge said they won on presentation.
SatireWire.
Q: Did you hear bout the French Kamikaze?
A: He flew 30 successful missions.
A French firing squad stands in a circle, then surrenders.
Once upon a time there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned
snake. By a surprising
coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through
the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an
orphan, I don't even know
what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have
been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you
what, maybe I could slither
all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have
that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny,
and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long
ears; your nose twitches;
and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to
the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help
you the same way that
you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and
you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must
be French".
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Frenchman with
a very long pole and
a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach
the top of it with his
yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of
his hand, lays it on the
sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet
long."
The Frenchman grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I
don't care how long it
is! I want to know how high it is!"
Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.
Q: Why did the French agree to build the channel tunnel?
A: To make it easier to escape to England when the Germans come
again.
Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: They are a big buyer of running shoes.
Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup championship so
wildly?
A: It was the first time they won anything without the help of the
U.S.
Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Q: What's green, cold, slimey and croaks?
A: A Frenchman
Q: Whats the difference between a frenchman and a bucket of merde?
A: The bucket!
Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Seen on back of restroom door:
"Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another
Frenchman. "
Q: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine
country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter
We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average,
than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris
and drink little cups of
coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and
drinking large glasses of whiskey I
don't know."
--- P. J O'Rourke (1989)
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of
the 1940s who was still
trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, US Senator from Arizona
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get
Saddam out of Iraq.
After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching
into Paris under a German
flag."
--David Letterman
From Useful Fools Blog - http://www.tinyvital.com/blog/
Binou
Leave your bedroom and go to school playing with your friends (oups! sorry,
I forgot you have no one because of your racisme, intolerance, stupidity and
threat about no american people).
Stop watching CNN 24/24 and go outside opening your mind !!!
"Basil Oglenthorn" <oglen...@sti.net> a écrit dans le message de news:
1bu28vg921ic1b3ml...@4ax.com...
Basil Oglenthorn
You illustrate the biggest problem with the French; they have no sense
of humor.
Binou
not understand what you called your "sense of humor"
"Basil Oglenthorn" <oglen...@sti.net> a écrit dans le message de news:
rh148v4152vj3dues...@4ax.com...
Binou
not understand what you called your "sense of humor"
"Basil Oglenthorn" <oglen...@sti.net> a écrit dans le message de news:
rh148v4152vj3dues...@4ax.com...