APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Nahshon Evren
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and
rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial
statement, job history, lineage, and current medical
report from your doctor.
NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH
____________
HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA
_________
SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE
#____________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES________________________________________
HOME
ADDRESS_____________________________________________________
CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes
___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_______________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married
_________________________________
If less than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van?
__Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires?
__Yes __No
C. A waterbed?
__Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?
__Yes __No
E. A tattoo?
__Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
__Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button
ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE,
DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES
IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to
you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
___________________________________________________
How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? ____________
mother? ___________
pastor? ____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer
freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot
would be:
____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want
broken is my:
____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not
ask me about is:
____________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
____________________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice
about her first is:
____________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
__________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE
AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER
PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN
ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON
KISS TORTURE.
__________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name,
moron!)
_______________________________
________________________________
Mother's Signature
Father's Signature
_______________________________
________________________________
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi
State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be
genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six
years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are> approved. Please do not try
to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties
carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your
back) .
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules
for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if
you're a guy):
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're surely not
picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at
anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely
that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want
to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes
too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I
will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind
can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is
an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by,
do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time
for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process than can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead
of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds,
sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there
is dancing or holding hands. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain
saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
ask you where you are going and with whom, you have
one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with> me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for
me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway
for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that
you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you
to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window
is mine.