Partners of Survivors
Jon Cohen
Mary Purdy <MP...@NS.CC.LEHIGH.EDU> asked about experiences
and advice related to having a relationship with someone
whose emotional life has been deformed in some way as a
result of physical or sexual abuse.
Here are some ideas, based on my experience.
1) Get real about the other person. Don't expect the
person to change, especially not in a dramatic
way. A person who is emotionally wounded in some
way may be very lovable for a number of reasons--
they could be very sexy, for instance, or
intellectually gifted, have a wonderful
sense of humor, be great with kids, or have talents of
all kinds, be great at taking charge of siutations,
or fixing the house, or whatever. I think it's
important, though, to distinguish between what
you love about the person and your concept of this
person being injured, a survivor. If it's the
injury you love, rather than the whole person,
your attentions are probably not going to be worth
much to the injured person.
2) Get real about yourself. You may be a loving, kind
and generous person, but you do not have the power to
transform people with your love or heal their injuries.
Only Jesus and Patrick Roy can make miraculous saves.
If the other person is actively working to get better, you
can be a valuable source of support--providing its not
the injury and sickness you love best, or the idea of
yourself as some specially wonderful person who tends
to the wounded, etc. Or, you can simply be strong enough
and truly loving enough to accept the person for
exactly who he or she happens to be.
Be real about why you are in this
relationship, what you are really getting from it.
Love and compassion are important, but even more
important in loving a person who is injured are
toughness, realism, consistency, clarity about who and
what it is you love and what you need.
3) Be responsible for getting what you need. If the
person's woundedness is keeping you from getting the sex, or
trust, or loving kindness, or anything else you need, then
it is your responsibility to get what you need someplace
else. It is not the wounded person's responsibility to
provide all or any of these things for you. It is
unreasonable and immoral to demand these things from someone
whom is unable to provide them--as well as utterly futile.
4) Don't complain. If the wounded person doesn't have what
you need, you might as well be talking to a stone wall.
If you are spending most of your life nagging and demanding
things from someone who can't provide them, then you
probably have problems much worse than the person you think
of as the "survivor."
5) Find support. Seek out likeminded people who can
understand your situation and give you some of the
emotional support you are lacking.
6) Get therapy. If you can go to therapy together, it
could be a big help in getting both partners to face
the reality of who they are and what resources they
have to help each other. Second best would be the
two partners going to therpay separately. Third best--
you go to therapy and figure out why you are staying
in a relationship in which you do all the work and
take all the responsibility.
7) Establish some boundaries. Get clear about
what you need and what you will stand for. No
amount of abuse suffered in childhood
justifies another person
to abuse you verbally or physically, to treat
you unfairly, to do less than his fair share.
8) Pray. Find a durable source of security and peace in
heaven, or somewhere deep inside yourself.
Really loving someone is difficult, unselfish, and
involves no guarantees of any kind. Really loving someone
who is a survivor of serious abuse is even harder. The
issue of whether you are up to it or not is between
you and your maker.
"Love conquers all/ You can't start it like a car/
You can't stop it with a gun."
W. Zevon
cloister bell
>Mary Purdy <MP...@NS.CC.LEHIGH.EDU> asked about experiences
>and advice related to having a relationship with someone
>whose emotional life has been deformed in some way as a
>result of physical or sexual abuse.
a good paraphrase, which i'll keep. all i can suggest you go read
alt.sexual.abuse.recovery and ask your question there. you'll get real
responses from real survivors who know what really helps.
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|tactical nuclear sdi stealth nsafood signature. | cloi...@u.washington.edu |
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