My Losing Battle against my Fiance and Her MALE Massage Therapist
Jeremy
reference: http://malemassagetherapist.blogspot.com/
Male Massage Therapists & Your Spouse
Some people think jealousy and possessiveness are at the root of my
visceral reaction to my girlfriend / fiance / wife being massaged by
a
male massage therapist (masseur). I disagree. I think part of the
sanctity of marriage is that the body is proprietary and confidential
between a husband and wife. In this crazy world, shouldn't we fight
for at least that much?
I put my feelings on this matter under quite a microscope. Really, I
did. As someone with a research degree in Psychology, I did the
requisite soul searching. As a social philosopher, I examined the
Brave New World in which we live. You know -- the one beginning to
resemble the vision of Aldous Huxley more by the day, where babies
are
grown in mechanical incubators rather than in uterus and where the
government controls its population through world consensus textbooks
and some pleasure drug called "Soma." There is no coupling in this
world -- no marriage. This is a world where public service
announcements inform the citizenry that "promiscuity is your duty."
The instinctual foundations of human nature have for all intents and
purposes been domesticated -- if not anilhilated -- by this
antiseptic
civilization that could almost pass for a sequel to any one of the
four major Invasion of the Body Snatchers flicks.
I feel at this moment much like I am living in such a world.
Enough with the pseudo-literary foreshadowing ...
My fiance said I wouldn't find any measure of validation -- and not
much more sympathy -- for feeling distressed by her 17-year
relationship with her male massage therapist. She was right.
I don't know what it is exactly, but I guess when you get down to the
heart of the matter, I just believe I am entitled to exclusive access
to my fiance's body. This is what I feel I will be entitled to as her
husband, and naturally she is entitled to the same exclusivity where
my body is concerned. Her body is proprietary and confidential. In a
world in which control of anything is hard to come by -- and when
things are constantly changing and our position constantly being
challenged -- a spouse is supposed to be that one person we can count
on. Do I feel I own her? Hell no! But is it too much to ask that I be
allowed to feel that she and I belong to one another and one another
only? This is part of what I think makes marriage both sacred and
delightful. Marrying the right woman should bring me both love and
peace, and while I know there is love here, peace is a hard thing to
come by when I have to pop a Xanax when I know she is being serviced
by another man (Xanax prescribed to me not for a broader anxiety
disorder but for just this purpose).
It's not so much that I am distrustful and fearful that my fiance's
quasi-professional relationship with her handsome male massage
therapist will morph into something more intimate. He's been kneading
her flesh for some 17 years now -- all as a married man until
recently
-- and there's never been a sexual aspect to this relationship. But I
am the kind of guy who doesn't like to get into that murky business
of
finding the line between clinical and sensual touch -- sensual and
sexual. When I touch her body in any way -- when I hold her hand or
when I slide my palms up and down her sides as part of the 2-3 hour
massages I give her every night -- I feel something electric. I
maintain an erection throughout the whole thing. I am sensitive that
way and she benefits as well from my having that kind of tactile
compass. So I feel I am being cheated or robbed -- that someone is
stealing the jewel of my soul -- when another man touches her. Touch
is communication. Touch is also a way of knowing. It is carnal
knowledge. Something passes between two people who are in these forms
of contact. I feel robbed whenever she derives some kind of pleasure
at someone else's hands. It doesn't have to be the kind of pleasure
that paves the way to orgasm, but I would argue ALL touch does this
--
it's just a matter of how many degrees removed it is. It's all
foreplay. And you just can't convince me that over the course of
these
1-4 hour massage therapy sessions with this male massage therapist --
that the sustainment of touch and the menagerie of tactile sensations
both tenderly caressing and forcefully pressing -- doesn't hit some
high notes in her every now and then.
Despite my fiance's insistence, I suspect that if I were to see her
face during her massage, the expression would all too often betray a
feeling of "ahhhhhh" and that is not a feeling I believe any man this
side of -- well -- ME -- should be stirring up in her. She tells me
her sessions are neither pleasurable nor sensual, but the fierceness
of the resistance I get when I plead with her to stop seeing this man
-- and the way she is able to match my persistence over time --
speaks
volumes as to what this man means to her, and I just can't have
another man mean THAT much to her. It almost feels as if he is no
less
significant to her than me. So it's a vicious cycle. The more
persistence she gets from me, the more resistance I get from her, and
the more resistance I get from her, the more pushback she gets from
me. My fiance's ties to her therapist could almost be described as an
"addiction." In her words, she just "can't give him up."
I watched a few massage videos on YouTube and it made my hair stand
on
end to imagine my fiance in some of those positions. One of the more
alarming images consisted of this woman with her ankles raised upon
the masseur's shoulders, her bare feet inches from his face, as he
leaned into her and ran his forearm up and down her thigh. Nice
image!
For a moment do I honestly believe he would put one of his male
clients in that same position? Hmm.
But my fiance's relationship with this man is also more complex than
that with the average male masseur.
1. This is a 17-year relationship. She (and other women) thought it
would be comforting to tell me that he is a professional and that
this
is a doctor-patient relationship. Besides the obvious fact that this
comparison demeans doctors -- much like comparisons to male escorts
would demean male massage therapists (male escorts to lay claim under
that definition to the same mantra of professionalism) -- what other
doctor engages in this kind of sustained touch? I wouldn't mind if my
fiance had a male gynecologist. Nothing really sexual comes from
inserting a gloved hand very briefly in that organ without foreplay.
But massages build relationships.
When she has had to (as when her therapist is out of town), she has
tried a few other therapists, and "no one knows her body as well as
[NAME REDACTED]." That's right. No one. Including me:
"You can never be as good as he is. This is his profession."
I am not fond of hearing that 1 hour into a 2-hour massage I am
giving
her myself. I am successful in breaking down her fascia and taking
the
pain away, and I massage her preventively almost every night. And she
enjoys my massages immensely. I get the verbal "ahs" and she
initiates
the requests for the massages. And I am learning more everyday. I am
educating myself and then applying what I learn in the "lab portion
of
the course." Eventually, I do believe I will come to know her better
than [NAME REDACTED].
So I can live with this man's intimate knowledge of her as long as
its
relegated to the dustbin of history and I can begin MY education on
the nuances of her musculature. But I hate being told that there is
someone else out there who will always know HER body more than me.
That is only the case if he continues to see her. I can remedy that
because I can log in hours of massage with her at home and because I
have a medical mind and can teach myself generic human anatomy. I
have
even offered to take massage therapy courses, but she greets all
these
suggestions as threats to her relationship with [NAME REDACTED].
When I think sexy thoughts of my fiance, I don't conjure up an image
of her vagina. The sight of her vagina does not create that delicious
escalating yearning for sex. I naturally think of the WHOLE her, as I
would be willing to bet you do when you grow desirous for your man /
woman. This is the image that is the starting point for all sexual
arousal. Her contours and sinews. Her complexion. The topography of
her body from tip of her head to -- and including -- her toes. So you
can imagine how distressed I might become to IMAGINE someone else's
hands all over this body.
2. [NAME REDACTED] massages her in his own home. One night my fiance
regaled me with the tale of one session with [NAME REDACTED]. He had
a
new massage plan for her and she was not appropriately attired for
it,
so he lent her his T-shirt and she was massaged in this T-shirt and
her panties. Eeeeee! Come to think of it, I better ask her whether
there were towels involved to cover her, because I can imagine the
two
of them agreeing to forgo the towel at this stage in their
relationship. You know, the towel that covers her buttocks.
There's just something about wearing another man's T-shirt, isn't
there? Don't get me started on the panties. I have tried to reach
some
compromises with her. I have suggested that I could be fine with
things if only they would agree that he is not to touch her below the
waist. That if it's back and neck pain that is bothering her, that he
restrict his attention to her back and neck. Naturally, as I
suspected, she said that given the way we are all wired, massaging
the
legs and thighs is necessary to heal back and neck pain.
3. Other massage therapists have acknowledged -- even offered up
unsolicited -- that friendships are built over these kind of
professional-client relationships. She talks to him during a 1-4 hour
massage -- and she has done this over the past 17 years. As an
employee of an art museum, she is also helping him out with his art
career ambitions and she dispatches her boss to his residence to
photograph his work. This poses another risk by providing them with
another opportunity over which to bond.
This is not Accounting by the way, but Art. She is a photography
specialist and she enjoys having a professional photographer take
photos of her semi-naked body to sell on the market (at no profit to
her, just for him). She loves to collect prints of herself. Do I have
to worry about our massage therapist photographing her in the nude as
well? Because the blending of THOSE two sensual arts could prove
combustible.
And, to make matters worse, in exchange for what she does for his art
"career", he massages her FOR FREE . Nothing builds an unbreakable
bond more than a free 4-hour massage session. 4 hours! How deep is
this friendship -- and what KIND of friendship is this -- that this
male massage therapist would go at it for 4 hours?
Hey, I know I am neurotic on this one point, but it makes me ME and
makes me human. I am amused when it rekindles the memory of that
Seinfeld episode where George inquires into his new girlfriend's
relationship with her male roommate:
George: "What's the massage situation?"
Bonnie: "What do you mean?"
George: "Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing,
touching,
finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the
request?"
When my fiance was divorcing her first husband, the bond between my
fiance and her massage therapist deepened. Her masseur attributed her
myofascial pain in her back and neck to alternating between wearing
heels and wearing flip-flops after work. But during her divorce,
stress was also added to the equation, and her idea of massages as a
way of being "pampered" deepened. In her own words, she "loves being
pampered." This phrase betrays her denials that her massages are
"sensual." And I don't like the idea of my fiance being "pampered" by
another man. I am fine with a couple buff eunuchs titillating her
from
a distance with giant feather fans, but I am not fond of her
insistence on her male pedicurist, with whom she also has a 10-plus
year relationship is a problem (I have to pick my battles, so I
conceded that one). She also insists on attractive male physicians
around her age, which prompts me to wonder whether there isn't a
deep-
seated psychosexual component to all this -- something Freud or Jung
would run with. She received massages much more frequently over the
course of her divorce when she learned that the massages are the
salve
for stress and that FREQUENT massages are far more therapeutic than
LESS FREQUENT massages. And while it never came to fruition, the
massage therapist did invite her out for drinks. To paraphrase her,
he
was and is "there for her" and even IF she ever gave him up as a
masseur (which she will never do), she would never want to "stop
talking to him."
4. My fiance is ridiculously attractive, but that's not the half of
it. She has what has been referred to in one Seinfeld episode as "the
kavorka" (raw animal magnetism). She is petite, small-boned, svelte,
and has an Old World english-french beauty. She also is a very warm
woman. To look at most women, you can see the "don't even talk to me"
walls they put in front of them. But my fiance is very inviting. You
can see it in her face. She is also very sensitive. You can see that
she would be easily moved by words and gestures. In the parlance of a
clinical psychologist with a psychodynamic orientation, all these
characteristics combine to form a hook for the psychological
projections of men. In other words, she brings out the maternal
instinct in men. Men are drawn to her. Men feel that they can orgasm
just from hugging her, and they yearn to, in the words of one of her
3
workplace stalkers, "take care of her."
5. The male massage therapist's wife is now divorcing him. Now it's
the massage therapist's turn to go through a divorce. My fiance had
used his marital status to reassure me in the past. Since divorces
are
emotional, and often accompany physical as well as emotional
privation, I have to worry how that might change the dynamic of this
"relationship." Just what will touching [FIANCE NAME REDACTED] mean
to
him now?
I wish she could understand me more and respect my feelings on this
subject. I appreciate the magnitude of the sacrifice I am asking her
to make. But I will be her husband. And in addition to the hours of
massages I am willing to give her on a daily basis, I am willing to
do
all the research necessary to find her a same-sex therapist. She used
a disparaging term to characterize the lack of strength in the two
female massage therapists she once consulted. She insists on big
strong man hands. But when I thought I had the green light from her
to
research same-sex therapists, my interviews (including the President
of the AMTA) produced a promising lead in the form of the strong
German deep tissue massage therapist who goes by the name "Olga."
Olga
doesn't sound as friendly or as sensual as [NAME REDACTED], but I
have
tried everything. At this point I just need the emotional space in
which to design a way to cope with the inevitable -- or should I say
the immutable. The fifth immutable law of physics: my fiance will
forever be palmed and fingered and caressed by [NAME REDACTED]. She
has scorned me for suggesting that in that deep and dark place in my
heart lurks the raw unmitigated hope that [NAME REDACTED] would meet
with an unfortunate accident.
The last resort: a Clinton-esque "don't ask don't tell" policy. She
schedules appointments during the week and I will never know. After
all, there isn't even a money trail, now is there? It will just be
her
and [NAME REDACTED]s little secret. That would spare me. But I
already
know how she will react to this request. She will deny the request
because she thinks it sets a bad precedent for us to begin keeping
secrets from one another. So not only will I have to live with her
continuing to see this man. I will have to live with it being thrown
in my face. Part of the Brave New Cruelty.