Keep ex girlfriend pictures?
Michelle Riera
My finace and I are getting married next year. I wonder if that bothers
anyone if one of your fincee keeps ex girlfriend/boyfirend pictures in
the photobook. Do you think its right to throw them out before we get
married or keep it in our closet for old memory?
First, I need to tell you myself. He went out with her at 16 and was his
first love. I understand its an old times for him and that was 14 years
ago. Said he never really loved her and broke up with her first and got
on his life. But why the pictures still bothers me only every once a
while? I don't have any long terms relationship pictures because he is my
only longest relationship ever although I have some pictures of first dates,
prom, and college dates. Maybe thats the problem?
He love me very much and he thinks it was stupdiest idea to talk about it
because he has no feeling of her. Am I nuts?
Wondering whoever out there do with the pictures??
Thanks for listening.
(sorry for mispell/bad grammer)
VDC
Get rid of the pictures !
What's next? Keeping the ex-girlfriend's underwear as a reminder of the
great times they had ???
Talk to him and let him know that you don't feel comfortable with the
pictures being kept in the album. He should understand it, if not...ask
yourself whether he is "Mr. Right"
VDC
PS I have a feeling I'll be lynched for this :-)))
d.hoberman
Michelle Riera (hear...@heart.heart.rochester.edu) wrote:
: My finace and I are getting married next year. I wonder if that bothers
: anyone if one of your fincee keeps ex girlfriend/boyfirend pictures in
: the photobook. Do you think its right to throw them out before we get
: married or keep it in our closet for old memory?
: First, I need to tell you myself. He went out with her at 16 and was his
: first love. I understand its an old times for him and that was 14 years
: while? I don't have any long terms relationship pictures because he is my
: only longest relationship ever although I have some pictures of first dates,
: prom, and college dates. Maybe thats the problem?
well, they're his pictures, right?
It does sound like you feel a bit insecure because he still has those
pictures around - especially since you've never had any other long-term
relationships.
For some people, their first relationship holds special significance, and
regardless of the fact that he is over her, the event is still part of his
past, and those experiences are no doubt still a part of him now.
How much does it bother you that he still has these pictures? Does he look
at them often?
I think it's worth sitting down and trying to figure out why you are so
bothered. Asking someone to throw out pictures of their past is like you're
trying to erase their past experience. He's with *you* now, not her, and if
you're going to ask him to toss part of his past (even if only photos) you
should have a really good explanation ready.
dobie
Melissa Kay Woodard
I wouldn't worry about the pictures in the photo album. I would not take
a memory out of my album just because that person was no longer in my
life...that's the point of memories. I would only worry about it if he
has pictures of her around the house, in frames or displayed.
Michelle Riera (hear...@heart.heart.rochester.edu) wrote:
: My finace and I are getting married next year. I wonder if that bothers
: anyone if one of your fincee keeps ex girlfriend/boyfirend pictures in
: the photobook. Do you think its right to throw them out before we get
: married or keep it in our closet for old memory?
: First, I need to tell you myself. He went out with her at 16 and was his
: first love. I understand its an old times for him and that was 14 years
: ago. Said he never really loved her and broke up with her first and got
: on his life. But why the pictures still bothers me only every once a
: while? I don't have any long terms relationship pictures because he is my
: only longest relationship ever although I have some pictures of first dates,
: prom, and college dates. Maybe thats the problem?
: He love me very much and he thinks it was stupdiest idea to talk about it
: because he has no feeling of her. Am I nuts?
: Wondering whoever out there do with the pictures??
: Thanks for listening.
: (sorry for mispell/bad grammer)
--
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:: Melissa Kay Woodard ::
:: William and Mary, Class of '96 ::
:: mel...@pinn.net mkw...@mail.wm.edu ::
:: http://www.pinn.net/~melissa ::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Janet Geesen Smith
Michelle Riera wrote:
>
> My finace and I are getting married next year. I wonder if that bothers
> anyone if one of your fincee keeps ex girlfriend/boyfirend pictures in
> the photobook. Do you think its right to throw them out before we get
> married or keep it in our closet for old memory?
>
> First, I need to tell you myself. He went out with her at 16 and was his
> first love. I understand its an old times for him and that was 14 years
> ago. Said he never really loved her and broke up with her first and got
> on his life. But why the pictures still bothers me only every once a
> while? I don't have any long terms relationship pictures because he is my
> only longest relationship ever although I have some pictures of first dates,
> prom, and college dates. Maybe thats the problem?
>
> He love me very much and he thinks it was stupdiest idea to talk about it
> because he has no feeling of her. Am I nuts?
>
> Wondering whoever out there do with the pictures??
>
> Thanks for listening.
>
> (sorry for mispell/bad grammer)
IMHO, ditch the pictures! I don't mean throw them away (yours or his)
since they are part of your histories, but definitely take them out of
any photo albums and/or picture frames (God forbid either of you should
have pictures on the wall somewhere!).
Personally, I couldn't throw them out. If you can, more power to you!
At some point when my husband and I were dating (got married last year),
I took all ex's pictures out of albums and "public areas" and stashed
them away in a wicker chest. I just can't imagine throwing out part of
my life like that.... Might be fun for our kids to see some day. :)
Janet
gcc...@msu.oscs.montana.edu
All I can say is, if pictures from the past are going to create problems in the
present, then someone is not mature or stable within themself. There are going
to be bigger problems to face than pictures from the past. Besides, both
parties know they have a past, why ask the other person to destroy part of it!
That is what helped them to become what they are presently!
Ruth Whitis
Very well put! And as someone else said, as long as the pictures are
just in the photo album (with the REST of your photographic history) then
there should be no problem. Red flags should go up though if these
pictures are 'on display' in the open (on walls, table tops, etc.)
Ruth
VDC
Well Dobie,
You must think I am too strict, and maybe you are right. Maybe the pictures
in the album aren't just a reminder of the past times, but more like
wishful thinking on the part of the man. (who knows, the ex might have been
Claudia Schiffer :-))
My personal theory ?
No pictures of ex-girlfriends allowed and the same goes for me.
That's fair, don't you think?
Have a great day people !
VDC
tigppp
Hey,
I am new to the group, and I know I am breaking the lurk then post law,
so, sue me 8).
Let him keep the pictures. First love is a precious, precious thing.
And I mean the real thing, but what is the real thing? It is something
different for everyone. I KNOW, that in my case, I have "switched"
first loves, (I am 18, so this is sometimes a pressing issue) due to
my views on love. Such as, "was I in love?" Or, this kicked that's
ass, it must be the real thing.
Your fiance must have a beautful memory of his first love, and you
shouldn't let that bug you. In fact, be glad, the fact that he has
been in love makes him all hte more experienced of a husband.
Just my thoughts, read, listen, comprehend, ignore, just don't flame
me. These are my veiws and mine alone.
Dave
(I really need a .sig already)
d.hoberman
VDC (pu...@usa.pipeline.com) wrote:
: Get rid of the pictures !
: great times they had ???
oh, puh-lease! let's not invoke the "slippery slope" argument shall we?
As long as those pictures aren't framed up on the wall surrounded by
glowing haloes, (and it's been FOURTEEN YEARS!) I truly doubt it will be a
problem.
: Talk to him and let him know that you don't feel comfortable with the
: pictures being kept in the album. He should understand it, if not...ask
: yourself whether he is "Mr. Right"
oh, if he doesn't feel comfortable tossing photos of his past, that means
he's not Mr. Right? Ouch!
: PS I have a feeling I'll be lynched for this :-)))
No, but I certainly don't agree with you. She *should* talk to him if she
continues feeling uncomfortable - but she should stop and think for a
moment about why she's so uncomfortable with her fiancee having pictures of
another woman who is no longer part of his life except for memories!
dobie
d.hoberman
d.hoberman (hobe...@allegro.cs.tufts.edu) wrote:
: VDC (pu...@usa.pipeline.com) wrote:
: : My personal theory ?
: : No pictures of ex-girlfriends allowed and the same goes for me.
: : That's fair, don't you think?
Actually, this brings up another thought.
Is it only pictures of his ex that you would ask him to discard (and to be
fair, as you note, you would do likewise?)
Or does that include every material reminder of anyone before you?
[more perspectives on this are welcome, I'm quite curious]
Would you feel uncomfortable if he kept gifts and tokens from previous
relationships? (keep in mind, I don't mean "oh, that ring of his ex's, he
wears it ALL the time and croons over it - that's not what I'm talking
about.;) Would you ask him to throw those out too? Why?
dobie
VDC
You are always so damn right , Dobie !!!!!
When I grow up I want to be just like you .
VDC
d.hoberman
VDC (pu...@usa.pipeline.com) wrote:
: Well Dobie,
: You must think I am too strict, and maybe you are right. Maybe the pictures
: in the album aren't just a reminder of the past times, but more like
: wishful thinking on the part of the man. (who knows, the ex might have been
: Claudia Schiffer :-))
Yes, and maybe she wasn't. The odds happen to be against it. ;)
*smile* "maybe" they are wishful thinking. You'll never know if you don't
talk to him, now will you? Honestly, if they are simply in his collection
of photos (and as Ruth notes, not framed in glory all over the walls ;)
then how can you truly say that they are "wishful thinking?"
They are simply part of his past.
Do all of your pictures of previous bf's promote "wishful thinking?" Your
"maybe" can cut both ways.
: My personal theory ?
: No pictures of ex-girlfriends allowed and the same goes for me.
: That's fair, don't you think?
*shrug* sure, as long as you're both happy with it. So I presume that means
you only have pictures of the present bf, with anyone who was ever a part
of your life before that, now part of the dustbin?
To each their own,
dobie
Lyle Craver
In article <4slcia$g...@d2.tufts.edu>,
hobe...@allegro.cs.tufts.edu (d.hoberman) wrote:
>No, but I certainly don't agree with you. She *should* talk to him if she
>continues feeling uncomfortable - but she should stop and think for a
>moment about why she's so uncomfortable with her fiancee having pictures of
>another woman who is no longer part of his life except for memories!
Interesting - my first girlfriend MANY years ago knitted me a large full-
length sweater which I never wear now but on no account will I let the missus
get rid of. Somewhere in the house I probably still have her old letters of
some 20-25 years ago. Somewhere ELSE in the house are the letters that way
back when won the heart of the girl who's now my wife.
Being of a mathematical bent I kind of shocked my wife when I told her I still
remembered the 'old flame's' phone number and when challenged recited it
correctly. (As well as lots of OTHER phone numbers now no longer of any use to
me) All of this is in another city and about two years ago we were there so I
asked if she wanted to see the 'old flame's' old house - she said yes and in
the event it was getting to be rush hour and I honestly missed the turnoff
(the roads weren't quite the same after this many years) and didn't feel like
making a long detour to go back.
On another trip there about a year ago I DID take her to a small beach where
while our three kids played down at the water I kissed her at pretty much the
same spot (within 10' or so) of my first kiss again nearly 25 years ago. I
told her that I learned a lot about love from ___ and that I don't think I'd
have been the guy she married without the memory of ___; somewhere in my
"pile" I'm pretty sure there's even a picture of her but the missus doesn't
really mind since she knows how long ago that was and just who has me NOW.
Like you say - if it was pictures of the old flame framed and mounted I'd say
she has something to worry about but as the better half says "That was then
and this is now - and I know who's got you NOW".
Matt Beckwith
I think it depends on whether you're getting married. If you're getting
married, then throwing out all photos of ex-mates makes perfect sense to
me. After all, marriage is forever. The ex-mates are irrelevant to your
future life now, except as friends. And when the pictures were taken,
they weren't friends.
If you want the photos to be kept somewhere, then what about sending them
to the ex-mates themselves? Perhaps they'd like to keep them. Or give
them to a brother or sister to keep for you.
--
Matt Beckwith
http://users.southeast.net/~beckwith/
Bob
On Wed, 17 Jul 1996 09:23:07 -0400, Michelle Riera
<hear...@heart.heart.rochester.edu> wrote:
|:->My finace and I are getting married next year. I wonder if that bothers
|:->anyone if one of your fincee keeps ex girlfriend/boyfirend pictures in
|:->the photobook. Do you think its right to throw them out before we get
|:->married or keep it in our closet for old memory?
|:->
|:->First, I need to tell you myself. He went out with her at 16 and was his
|:->first love. I understand its an old times for him and that was 14 years
|:->ago. Said he never really loved her and broke up with her first and got
|:->on his life. But why the pictures still bothers me only every once a
|:->while? I don't have any long terms relationship pictures because he is my
|:->only longest relationship ever although I have some pictures of first dates,
|:->prom, and college dates. Maybe thats the problem?
|:->
|:->He love me very much and he thinks it was stupdiest idea to talk about it
|:->because he has no feeling of her. Am I nuts?
|:->
|:->Wondering whoever out there do with the pictures??
|:->
|:->Thanks for listening.
|:->
|:->(sorry for mispell/bad grammer)
I can tell you only about my life. I built my wife an oak chest to
keep her memories inside, during the first year of your marriage. She
put in the scrap books of her youth, her photo albums, mementos
and of course these contained pictures of her boyfriends and lovers
who proceeded me in her life. These things are bits and pieces of
who she has become from her experiences. Each person represented in
her chest had an influence on her and who she is today. These things
are hers and to expect her to not have them would be the same as
expecting her to have been without history or a past when we met. She
would not be the woman I love today, happy and intelligent, without
her past. So, why would I want all those things to disappear like
they never happened?? What would she have in her waining years to
remember her life without them?? To expect her to throw away her
past because of me would be more than arrogant, it would be selfish
and cruel.
I can tell you, that shortly after I gave her this gift of the
memories chest, all the things I had in several boxes in our garage
were neatly cleaned and lovingly stored in her chest also. My history
is important to her, too. She did not need to say it, she showed me
this with the way she protected my memories and put them with hers,
together. You know your wife is your best friend and life mate when
she cares about keeping the pieces of your past secure and cherised
for you.
Sounds kind of like a pair of newlyweds? Well, we just entered our
forties and all this happened early on in our marriage over 15 years
ago. Respect and trust works for us, and life is very good.
Bob
fl...@mustang.via.net
In article <tMb8x8Ud...@vcn.bc.ca> lcr...@vcn.bc.ca (Lyle Craver) writes:
>[...]somewhere in my
>"pile" I'm pretty sure there's even a picture of her but the missus doesn't
>really mind since she knows how long ago that was and just who has me NOW.
When I met my (now) husband I was really hung up on another man. I vented
about my frustration with how that relationship had blown up to (now) hubby
all the time. One day I was in bed with (now) hubby and I asked him,
"Doesn't it bother you that I always talk about [other guy]?" He replied
quite casually, "Not really. I'm the one with his hand on your ass". I
really liked that reply :-) Showed a lot of self-confidence.
Hubby has pictures of his former wife, including wedding pictures, and it
doesn't bother me at all (and I *am* the jealous type; I would never have
been as sanguine as he in the situation above). It's just that I have
confidence the pictures take nothing away from his attachment to me.
the fly
System Admin
Keep em.
Your past is your past, and throwing away the momentoes you have from
it will not make it any less your past, nor will keeping the momentoes
reverse time and bring the past back. I'm keeping pics of ex's in a
photo album, so that when I forget what they look like (as I have
already done with most of em) and want to tell a story about the bad
old days then I can point at the pic and say "you'll never believe
what that bitch did to me!" :)
--
+++++++++++++++++++++++23
Loren Miller <lo...@wharton.upenn.edu>
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks - I'm not going that far." --Steven Wright
Kat
>My finace and I are getting married next year. I wonder if that bothers
Keep them. Why not? So long as they are not predominately displayed in
the house, there should be no problem. It is part of his past, and part
of why he is the man he is today. Don't let it bug you. I let my BF do
what he likes with his pics...he just better make sure some of me are
around! :)
>prom, and college dates. Maybe thats the problem?
Could be, how would you like it if he told you to throw those out?
>Thanks for listening.
>
>(sorry for mispell/bad grammer)
Good luck!
Kat :)
Una Smith
B...@nospin.com (Bob) wrote:
[much deleted]
>To expect her to throw away her past because of me would be more than
>arrogant, it would be selfish and cruel.
... and childish, and a sign of deep insecurity. Keep those photos.
Elizabeth McKeever
In article <31f27d8f...@news.alt.net>, Bob <B...@nospin.com> wrote:
(Snip.)
>She
>would not be the woman I love today, happy and intelligent, without
>her past. So, why would I want all those things to disappear like
>they never happened?? What would she have in her waining years to
>remember her life without them?? To expect her to throw away her
>past because of me would be more than arrogant, it would be selfish
>and cruel.
This is a really good point. It reminds me of a Dear Abby that I read once,
and it's the only one of her columns that I ever saved because it actually
had some relevance to my life for a change. ;)
Here it is:
DEAR ABBY: I felt compelled to write after reading the letter in your column
from the woman who had been married a year and found a box of old pictures
of her husband and a woman in his past. I think your advice was right on
target, Abby!
I got married a year ago to a wonderful, loving man. It was a second marriage
for both of us.
While making room to combine two households into his existing home, I ran
across a box containing pictures, letters and cards from a woman from his
past. I, too, was surprised. But I rationalized that they were long
forgotten, so I left them where I found them. A few months later, my husband
discreetly discarded them without comment.
I thank my lucky stars that he had the experience he did, because if he
hadn't he might not have fallen in love with me.
I can't be jealous or hurt over what he did before he met me. There are a
few mementos of his past in our home that I will not touch.
I believe my husband is entitled to cherish these memories, just as I am
entitled to silently cherish some memories from my own past.
-Secure in Wisconsin
DEAR SECURE: You are a very wise woman. And your husband is a lucky man.
May it ever be thus.
(Dear Abby, all rights reserved, 6/7/95, etc.)
I just really like that column. It helped me think about the confusing
feelings that I felt towards my bf's ex-fiancee in a way that made sense
and allowed me to feel grateful for the good things that their relationship
taught him.
>You know your wife is your best friend and life mate when
>she cares about keeping the pieces of your past secure and cherised
>for you.
I agree.
>Sounds kind of like a pair of newlyweds? Well, we just entered our
>forties and all this happened early on in our marriage over 15 years
>ago. Respect and trust works for us, and life is very good.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's beautiful. Continued best of luck.