Help Me Kill My Roomates
Tracy Ann Redmond
Michele L Mellott
Tracy Ann Red...@wam.um
> is this normal?
i should think so; why the hell do you think i want to transfer out of
this hell hole, (well, besides the fact that this place doesn't offer a
major in communications)? oh, you don't know me...hi! i'm michele.
i'm not sure how you could kill your roommates; i'm stumped myself
and i only have one. she thinks i should be her personal maid and
secretary. think again bay-bee! but whatever you do, make it look like
a suicide adn don't get caught!
michele
Thunder Dan
> hi
Yup. Of course its normal. Especially when he's big jerk, who things he is
god's gift to the world, and to women.
Here is a short description of my roommate and his views on life.
1. Going out and not getting drunk, is like bringing a girl back to the room
and not getting laid.
2. I am always right, because I am superior.
3. My hair is the most important thing in the world, next to getting drunk
and getting laid.
4. I do not know the meaning of clean.
5. I have been know to wear a hat that has been shit on. I kid you not.
6. I am a member of a frat that was kicked out of the school for date rape.
7. I like jumping on my roomates bed at 4:00am on a monday night, more than
once.
8. When I come back to the room at night a like leaving the light on and
door open, as I go try to pick up girls down the hall.
9. I like walking down the hall in either my tidy whities, or less, and it
is a coed dorm.
10. My theory of dating, is to lay a girl down, and if she won't let you
fuck her, than I don't fuckin need the bitch anyway.
Note the above reprents my roommate and in no way represents my personal
views.
However, I have been unable to find a way of killing him, and getting away
with it. I have though about drowning him in hair spray, but I have been
unsuccesful in my many attempts. Or I have tried beating him with one of
his 47 hair brushes, but usually that just makes dents. Anyway I only have
a two months left to live with him, and believe I will never live with him
again.
If anyone has had similar experiences with their roommate please post your
stoires, or you can email me at
dg0...@uhura.cc.rochester.edu
Dan
urq...@news.delphi.com
>michele
I suggest looking for "50 ways to annoy your rommate", a fine document
providing you with many unique and entertaining ways to drive them crazy
and send them scrambling for the housing office to change their room
assignments.
chris restifo
URQ...@delphi.com
"It is better to have failed at CMU than to have graduated from MIT."
JXK...@oduvm.bitnet
I think killing your roommates is a bit extreme, when I'm sure that they
would come around if you just bound, gagged, and beat them for a few days.
After knowing the anguish associated with not receiving food or water over
the period of say, oh, two days, I'm sure they would stay out of your way
and be as submissive as a kitten.
Other forms of torture that might help bring them around include bounding
them to a chair and forcing them to watch all the episodes of Matlock
consecutively. They'll be screaming before you know it, appologizing for their
evil and beggin forgiveness.
You could also show them all of Ringo Starr's movies, Play Yoko Ono albulms,
or play Linda McCartney keyboard solos.
Read them the poetry of Ally Sheedy until they beg for mercy, or burn incense,
smoke cloves, and turn on a lava lamp until they become brain dead.
I'm sure killing is unnecessary, but more important its ethically wrong.
So take my advice and use one of the methods described above.
With all heartfelt sincerity,
Josh
"If nothing were funny, there'd be nothing to laugh about."
MAT
50 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely.
Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he
owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this
method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say
that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust
your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort
for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes
than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God
Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next
day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around.
Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
I did not make this list, it was sent to me by a friend.
Michele L Mellott
hmmmm...
Excerpts from netnews.soc.college: 20-Mar-94 Re: Help Me Kill My
Roomates by JXK...@ODUVM.BITNET
> Other forms of torture that might help bring them around include bounding
> them to a chair and forcing them to watch all the episodes of Matlock
> consecutively.
hey i got an even more evil torture...make them watch rick astley videos
24/7 until their eyes fall out...what a second, i think my roomie likes
him. next torture....
Excerpts from netnews.soc.college: 20-Mar-94 Re: Help Me Kill My
Roomates by JXK...@ODUVM.BITNET
> You could also show them all of Ringo Starr's movies, Play Yoko Ono albulms,
> or play Linda McCartney keyboard solos.
HEY! do have something against beatles wannabes??? hee hee! :) well,
ringo was a beatle in a past life, but now he's been shrunken by some
cosmic positron (sounds s/f -y enough) and is now a conductor for a
children's train station!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! come back to the
yellow submarine, ringo, come back, come back!!!
Excerpts from netnews.soc.college: 20-Mar-94 Re: Help Me Kill My
Roomates by JXK...@ODUVM.BITNET
> burn incense,
> smoke cloves, and turn on a lava lamp until they become brain dead.
hey, what's wrong with that? i do that all the time, man, like
wow....except for the clove stuff; nasty, nasty experience that now
makes me physically sick to be around a lit up clove.
ally sheedy, huh? i'd rather read my dylan thomas...
michele
Daniel M. Zacek
>50 WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
ha ha ha ha! that was great! makes me wish i had a roommate! :)
--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
! Daniel Zacek ! Philosopher - !
! za...@spot.Colorado.edu ! Will think for food !
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michele L Mellott
Roomates by Daniel M. Za...@spot.Col
hmmm...don't have a roommate yet? that could quite conceivably be
arranged. wakka wakka wakka :P
michele
Toll-Booth Willy
Jill M. Garon
: >michele
Chris, any idea how to get a copy of this fine document. I've had not
one, but two hellish experiences myself. Now I'm an R.A. and I'd love to
give this to the women on my floor. E-mail me at jga...@orion.it.luc.edu
THANKS!
Antone F. Johnson
>(the reall 200 proof stuff) or especially keep some ethanol around and when
>they are already pretty drunk, add a few ounces to every drink they take.
>Make sure they pass out face up.
I've always wondered: Is lab-grade 100% ethanol drinkable? (Diluted with
mixers, of course!) Or is it poisoned with that stuff they put in rubbing
alcohol (methanol?)? Would denaturing it screw up its purity for chem lab
purposes? Just wondering...
Antone