Dumpy Bi Women?
David Kaye
because the group was near 100% women, and they all looked really dumpy, as if
they didn't really give a damn about how they looked to others.
I don't know about others, but if I'm going to a social I try to look my best.
I'm noticing this more and more now, too. Bi social groups seem to be more
about the dumpy women and less about the mixture of men and women of all ages
and lifestyles, as it used to be. Has "bi" gotten a bad name so that nobody
wants to be associated with bi folks?
Piglet
>The other night there was a bi social, so I decided to go. I didn't
>stay long because the group was near 100% women, and they all looked
>really dumpy, as if they didn't really give a damn about how they
>looked to others.
No, dear. They didn't give a damn how they looked to you. Big
difference.
--
Piglet, pig...@piglet.org
"That may be YOUR point. MY point is to live each moment so as
to maximize the amount of complaining that can be done about said
moment, after the fact. It's not as easy as it looks." --jankplus
David Kaye
>No, dear. They didn't give a damn how they looked to you. Big
>difference.
>
This is true, but even so, one would think they'd "dress for success", but it
appears that there's this same cadre of bi women who show up at all these
things. They're not interesting to talk with, and they're more concerned
about cats and cat toys than people, it seems.
I can remember 10 years ago when I could go to a bi group and the group would
be balanced men and women, and the people who attended seemed to have
something actually going on in their lives. They were returning from mountain
climbing or learning a new musical instrument or building a float for a pride
parade or something. But it appears that those groups don't exist in the SF
Bay Area any longer, or at least they don't show up on the bi events mailing
lists, etc.
This is what led me to believe that among mainstream people the term "bi" is a
dirty word they don't want to be associated with, just as "gay" is a term that
for the most part anybody under age 50 abhors.
Tane' Tachyon
> sfdavi...@yahoo.com (David Kaye), in article <ioq1ok$5bu$2...@dont-email.me>, dixit:
>>The other night there was a bi social, so I decided to go. I didn't
>>stay long because the group was near 100% women, and they all looked
>>really dumpy, as if they didn't really give a damn about how they
>>looked to others.
>
> No, dear. They didn't give a damn how they looked to you. Big
> difference.
*Applause*
--
Tane' Tachyon = tac...@tachyonlabs.com = http://www.tachyonlabs.com/
cool mom
middle aged, overweight moms with careers, kids, hobbies, and more do
our best to make the time to connect with other bi moms like us!
There is plenty of discrimination in the swinger/glbt communities
related to not being one of the ' glamorous ones' . I hesitate to call
it beautiful because to some of us it looks pretentious and
conceited. So, we have made our own groups designed to cater to us,
not the guys who are pushing their wives into swinging, not those who
don't appreciate curves, and not those who don't enjoy suburbia....
Perhaps it's less about the label, and more about the members who have
found friends and so we talk about all parts of our lives, and that
for us, our spouses & kids, soccer games, pets, and pta are as
interesting to us as bungee jumping is to a thrill seeking crowd.
Personally in addition to those, I also enjoy doing renaissance
festivals in full garb, zumba, working out, movies, a good debate,
active in my political party, and dealing with breast & cervical
cancer awareness.
I understand that my weight is used by others regarding my
attractiveness and worthiness to date. Please understand, I use
others' shallow reactions and assumptions about my life a litmus test
of my own to see who I'd be willing to date and who is worth what
little free time I do have to spend.
I agree there is discrimination happening against bi folk. I happen
to think it's more related to stereotypes & G/L folk who have lived or
met those who have used bi as an interim label on their journey to
realization they are G, and not bi after all. The other thing is that
we, the bi community are invisible to most, and so you may not even be
seeing everyone as bi, that is.. My suggestion to you would be to
find a group who does an activity you enjoy, and be willing to be out
as bi in that group. You never know who else is in that group who
might be listening....
Thanks for the interesting topic...sure beats the spam we get.
My 2 cents' worth -
CoolMomLes
Houston
David Kaye
>What you call dumpy, others find curvy, sexy & fabulous!
Fine. That wasn't my point. My point is that I believe the word, "bi" has
taken on a very specific tone that causes everybody else to stay away.
It wasn't that way 10 years ago.
David Kaye
>My suggestion to you would be to
>find a group who does an activity you enjoy, and be willing to be out
>as bi in that group.
Oh, I am. For the past 15 years I've run a weekly group called SF Games here
in San Francisco (and now we have a branch in LA, too). It's always been
positioned as a social group with games, open to all, with special
encouragement toward GBLT folks.
But there comes a time when I'd like to participate in group that's
predominantly bi, and I simply can't find one that works for me.
>Thanks for the interesting topic...sure beats the spam we get.
>
You're quite welcome. I guess soc.bi isn't dead after all.
David Weinshenker
What do you believe it specifically implies these days?
-dave w
David Kaye
>
>What do you believe it specifically implies these days?
I'm not at all sure, but I'll speculate that some of those folk are now using
terms like "polyamory", "polyamorous" or "poly" in place of bi. But I'm not
so sure I want to be part of that group.
Unfortunately I bristle when I see those terms because to me they're not bi
but promiscuous terms. I don't have to nail everyone in sight just to be bi.
There is sequential monogamy, after all.
I cringe at the descriptions people use for their relationships, such as
"She's my primary, and he's my previous secondary. But I've had lots of
secondaries, and then his primary couldn't handle the fact that he had a
secondary, so I dumped him..." and my head spins and I want to cough up a fur
ball.
For me, the poly terms and model just seems to be unnecessary baggage and
rationale for people who simply want to fuck around. Fine, go fuck around
with my blessing. Just don't make it into a big deal or feel guilty about it.
Somehow, "poly" has become the hipster term for people who can't otherwise
rationalize their horniness.
That's the only thing I can figure out about where "bi" people went. I'm open
to other explanations.
David Weinshenker
> David Weinshenker <daz...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>
>> What do you believe it specifically implies these days?
>
> I'm not at all sure, but I'll speculate that some of those folk are now using
> terms like "polyamory", "polyamorous" or "poly" in place of bi. But I'm not
> so sure I want to be part of that group.
>
> Unfortunately I bristle when I see those terms because to me they're not bi
> but promiscuous terms. I don't have to nail everyone in sight just to be bi.
> There is sequential monogamy, after all.
Ah, "sequential monogamy" - the attitude that an extant
companionship must end before a new one may be formed.
(I guess some people's erotic motivations are actually
set up in that way - although I suspect a lot of that
may be cultural programming rather than innate impulse -
but feeling like that would seem pretty alien to me!)
Isn't asking poly people "why don't you just pick one
partner and stick with him/her?" a bit like asking bi
people "why don't you just pick one gender..."?
-dave w
Alan J Rosenthal
>Ah, "sequential monogamy" - the attitude that an extant
>companionship must end before a new one may be formed.
>(I guess some people's erotic motivations are actually
>set up in that way -
Mine are, very strongly.
I think that mono/poly is a sexual orientation scale as much as
same-sex/opposite-sex. A scale on which I happen to find myself at the
less-common extreme end.
I can still be attracted to other people while I'm in a relationship,
but my interest in actually doing anything about it is nil.
David Kaye
>Isn't asking poly people "why don't you just pick one
>partner and stick with him/her?" a bit like asking bi
>people "why don't you just pick one gender..."?
I'm not criticizing poly people at all. I'm just saying that bisexuality does
not equal polygamy.
Alan J Rosenthal
>I'm not criticizing poly people at all. I'm just saying that bisexuality does
>not equal polygamy.
Strongly agreed; I'm a good example. I don't think that there's any
correlation between being bisexual and being polyamorous.
Nevertheless there is some correlation between _admitting_ (to yourself or
to others) that you are bisexual and admitting that you are polyamorous.
Coming out of one closet often spurs coming out of another, if you happen
to be in the intersection of two closets.
David Kaye
>Nevertheless there is some correlation between _admitting_ (to yourself or
>to others) that you are bisexual and admitting that you are polyamorous.
>Coming out of one closet often spurs coming out of another, if you happen
>to be in the intersection of two closets.
I think the polyamory thing came about because of the popular misconception
that bi people have to somehow "balance" their attractions for both men and
women.
In fact, an otherwise intelligent friend the other day over lunch asked me how
I was doing with "the other side". I wasn't sure what he meant. He said,
"Yeah, you were saying that you were going to try women for awhile." I told
him that he must have been mistaken because I would never have said such a
thing. He seemed puzzled. I told him that I'm attracted to whomever at any
given time, that I have never felt a need to "split" my interests. He just
couldn't wrap his brain around that for some reason, since I guess for him to
be bi means to satisfy some kind of conflicting urges or something.
I'm frustrated at how I can explain what is a very simple sexuality to
otherwise well-meaning people. I usually say something like, "Just because yo
like carrots doesn't mean you have to give equal time to broccoli." But while
they can understand the veggie thing they can't understand it in relation to
sexual attractions.