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From: "Jeffrey Hamilton" <bberesf...@cogeco.ca>
Newsgroups: sci.military.naval
Subject: Re: Aircraft Humor
Date: Sat, 14 Apr 2012 22:39:30 -0400
Organization: A noiseless patient Spider
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Malcom "Mal" Reynolds wrote:
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6
> miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have
> digital watches!"
>
> ________________________________
>
> Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise
> abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Centre,
> we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
> here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
> 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
>
> ________________________________
>
> From an unknown aircraft
> waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
> bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
> transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown
> aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
> stupid!"
>
> ________________________________
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a
> 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
> o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329:
> "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
> the little Fokker in sight."
>
> ________________________________
>
> A student became lost during a
> solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate
> the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last
> known position?" Student: "When I was number one for
> takeoff."
>
> ________________________________
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little
> hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after
> touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751,
> make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if
> you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
> exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
> return to the airport."
>
> ________________________________
>
> There's a story about the
> military pilot calling for a priority landing because
> his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
> peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock
> that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one
> engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
> "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
>
> ________________________________
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting
> for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
> clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an
> answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in
> English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from
> another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war!"
>
> ________________________________
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared
> for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
> Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some
> kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
> Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did
> you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental
> 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
> yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
>
> ________________________________
>
> One day the pilot of a
> Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
> the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
> landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back
> past the Cherokee.
>
> Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
> radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
> make it all by yourself?"
>
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
> came back with a real zinger:
>
> "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
> yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
>
> ________________________________
>
> The German air controllers at
> Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered
> lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
> parking location, but how to get there without any
> assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
> that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
> exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
> British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
>
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
> active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate
> Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main
> taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do
> you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206:
> "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
> now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
> "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
> before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944,
> but it was dark, and I didn't land."
>
> ________________________________
>
> While taxiing at London's
> Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight
> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
> came nose to nose with a United 727.
>
> An irate female ground controller lashed out at the
> U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the
> hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
> Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
> there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
> difference between C and D, but get it right!!"
>
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
> now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
> everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
> You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
> to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
> about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where
> I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
> got that, US Air 2771?"
>
> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
> fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S.
> Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
> ground controller in her current state of mind.
>
> Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
> definitely running high.
>
> Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
> his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
> once?"***
LoL, they were absolutely priceless. Thanks, I really enjoyed them.
cheers.......Jeff
Message from discussion Aircraft Humor
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