The Crowbar FAQ (with a special tribute to Luigi)
Patrick Olguin
Definition: crow·bar
Pronunciation: 'krO-"bär
Function: noun
Date: 1748
: an iron or steel bar that is usually wedge-shaped at the working end
for use
as a pry or lever
- crowbar transitive verb
Table of Contents
A Introduction
B What kind of crowbar to get?
C Where to find a good one?
D How to use it?
1. Individual Pry
2. Two-Man Pry
3. Three-Man Bash, Break and Scramble
BACKGROUND
After three years of intense research, comprehensive field-studies,
in-depth interviews, death-bed confessions, dying declarations, and
just
plain old speculation and fabrication, we have determined that if you
are
reading this FAQ, you are a dyed-in-the-wool cheap bastuhd, or have
been
so unduly influenced by wretchedly cheap bastahds that you are
suffering
from latent cheapness trauma, and could well benefit from reading this
FAQ. As of yet, there is no twelve-step program for cheap bastards,
or adult children of cheap bastuhds, but were there to be a chapter of
Cheap Bastuhds Anonymous (CBA), their version of the Serenity Prayer
might be adapted as follows:
(with apologies to AA and other twelve-step programs)
Sears, grant me the credit line to
Purchase the things I cannot fix
The wrench to drive the nails I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
(Author unknown or Art. depending on which version of the book you
buy)
Being as you are clearly cheap, you are almost certainly overwrought
by
the prospect of springing loose a whopping 75 cents to buy a tack
cloth,
you blanche at $4.95 for plans to build a cherry highboy, balk at
paying a
couple more bucks for a nice resaw blade, cringe at shelling- out less
than the price of a pizza for a flea-market bench plane that will last
you
a lifetime, shy away from investing a week's worth of lunch money in a
few
wonderful woodworking books, but first and foremost, you will uproot
every
shrub, flower and weed in the garden, boil them, smash them and strain
them, in an effort to find a magic dye which you hope will transform
construction-grade douglas fir to look like claro walnut.
Yes, this is the Crowbar FAQ, and it is designed to help you
cheapskates.... errr cost- conscious people get the most out of your
wallet. Who am I kidding? Get ANYTHING out of your wallet!
WHAT KIND OF CROWBAR SHOULD I GET?
Thank goodness there aren't quite as many variations of crowbars as
there
are hand planes, jig saws, routahs, or pre-WWII woodworking machinery
catalogs (catalogues, Jeff) or we'd be here all day. There are three
basic types:
1. Simple Crowbar -
This tool has been around since there were nails. The simplest are
hardened tool steel, with a slightly tapered, bent tip. The tip is
split
for better gripping of small bills. These crowbars work best on
bi-fold
wallets. Their slim, tapered tips penetrate the thinnest wallets
without
disturbing other contents. Before the invention of the Klown Hammer
(TM),
a crowbar was often applied to the dome of a nitwit who dared
displeasure
the Cabal by posting an unwanted inanity, scribbling an OT rambling,
being from Texas, or worst of all, having the temerity to write a
sentence where there was a preposition that it ended up with.
2. Gooseneck Wrecking Bar -
These crowbars are easily recognized by their faceted rod,
aggressively
curved (gooseneck-shaped) end and blunt tip. They are best used on the
fatter, more compressed, tri-fold wallets. The gooseneck is handy for
generating a tremendous amount of leverage during the initial prying
apart
of the melded leather folds, while the blunt tip works well on milk
money
that has been squirreled away since kindergarten (early grade school,
for
you UK types). The gooseneck wrecking bar is preferred by 12-year old
girls as the tool of choice when helping dismantle kitchen cabinets.
Talk
about your post-modern deconstructionism.
3. Breaker Bar -
While these implements of destruction are often seen being used in
their
secondary function of breaking-up concrete and stone, their original
purpose was to bust open briefcases, fanny-packs (no offence to
Aussies, I
know what "fanny" means to you blokes), money clips, shoulder bags,
and
other conspicuous yuppie accoutrements. In a pinch, a pry bar can used
to
pole vault over a searing hot river of lava. Hey, ya never know when a
volcano could erupt.
WHERE DO I GET A GOOD CROWBAR?
I suppose you could go to Sears. Say hello to Art..
Since you're a cheap bastuhd, you probably already hang around garage
sales and flea markets, hoping to cart something home for free from
some
poor slob who's too tired to drag a bulky item back to the car, so
you're
in luck. You might get one for free, simply by offering to take it off
his
hands. If you do end up having to pay for one, depending on the
severity
of your wallet paralysis, you may end up in what's known as the
Crowbar/Wallet Deadly Embrace (CWDE). You can see the problem, can't
you?
How can you buy a crowbar if it takes a crowbar to open the durned
thing
in the first place? This Catch-22 is more common than you may think.
By
the way, never borrow a crowbar. The lender may be trying to get your
fingerprints on a murder weapon. I learned that watching Law&Order, so
it
must be true.
This classic conundrum is best overcome by either putting the crowbar
of
your choice on your next Christmas/Channukah/Birthday/Wedding
Shower/Baby
Shower/Graduation gift list, or by visiting a nearby junk yard and
concealing the prize in your baggy pants (best to bring a date, so as
to
explain the protrusion in your drawers... the proprietor will
understand,
and likely send your date flowers later, knowing what a stiff you
are...
and I don't mean the good kind) on your way out.
HOW DO I USE IT?
1. Individual Pry
This method depends on the type of crowbar you've acquired, and the
relative tightness of your wallet. The typical bi-fold wallet is best
laid
on the floor, unfolded (don't worry if it snaps back shut; it happens,
especially for those who won't run their car air- conditioners in 90
degree heat, because it wastes gasoline, and is "hard on the engine"),
with the opening (if one is detectable) to your right. Note Reverse
the
preceding wallet orientation instructions if you're left-handed. If
on
the other hand, it's your orientation that is different, wear braces
to
help firm-up your wrists, and proceed as described. The singing of
showtunes, while not strictly prohibited, nor even discouraged, should
be kept to a minimum so
as to keep one's self on task. Our experience demonstrates that
railroad
work songs are the best traditional wood working sing-alongs.
Then, with the crowbar held in both hands (left hand a few inches
behind
the tapered end, and right hand near the other end), apply your left
instep to the closed side of the wallet. Bend your left knee until
you're
nearly in a genuflecting position. (Note to those raised Roman
Catholic:
Do not reflexively cross yourself, because remember, you're holding
the
crowbar, and the business end will feel real lousy going into your
forehead. DAMHIKT). You don't want to go quite to one knee, because
you
still want to be able to bear nearly your full weight on that
hopelessly
tight wallet. Insert the tip into the open side, and slide it in. This
may
take some wiggling. Then, bear down steadily on the end of the
crowbar.
The wallet should open. Release your left hand, and extract necessary
cash. If the cantilevered weight of the crowbar isn't enough to keep
it
open, then you'll need to employ the...
2. Two-Man Pry
This method is actually a simpler and safer method of prying money out
of
those really stubborn, seemingly sealed-shut wallets. It also works
better
if you go ahead and use the larger, more robust gooseneck wrecking
bar.
The Pry-man stands with both feet spread slightly less than shoulder
width
apart. He then slowly wiggles his feet inward until both feet are
holding
down just the edges of the wallet. This is tricky with those slim-line
bi-fold wallets, but our experience has been that people with those
kind
of wallets aren't usually cheap bastuhds anyways (although they still
can
be lousy tippers). Using the gooseneck end, insert the tip as far as
it
will go, then, using the other end of the wrecking bar like the handle
on
a lever, rotate and push down hard on the end of the bar, being
careful to
maintain pressure on the wallet's edges. A dangerous wallet kickback
may
occur otherwise. Now it's the Retrieval-man's turn. Taking care to
keep
one's fingers clear of the teeth that must be guarding this wallet,
pull a
few dog-eared bills from the moth-eaten crevice. Kneel or crouch off
to
the side, in case the Pry Man should slip, and send a fusillade of
Buffalo-head nickel milk money spraying from the depths of the abyss.
Stick-em (TM), though outlawed by the NFL is a good idea here to
ensure a
secure grip on the money. You may only get one chance.
Fun Fact: When cut into strips, the leather from these wallets makes
great
tourniquets!
If this method fails, there's always....
3. Three-Man Bash, Break and Scramble
This is the simplest, but least accurate method of liberating funds
from a
death-gripped billfold. Place the wallet on a hard, flat surface
(granite
would be good). All three men grasp the breaker bar, and in a
coordinated
effort, plunge it into the vise-like jaws of the wallet, while
exclaiming
like a crazed WWF announcer, "A piledriver!!! Another piledriver!! And
another piledriver!! Hoo motch lungerrr canna the lil' pocketbook tek
it?!" (thick Welsh accent not required, but highly recommended). When
the
money is freed from the tatters, two men scramble for the loose change
(not much likelyhood of folding money being present in this extreme
example of a skinflint, cheapskate, cheeseparer, chuff, muckworm,
miser,
nabal, piker, tightwad) while the remaining person holds the breaker
bar.
Best to agree upon who's going to hold the breaker bar beforehand.
Summary
As you can see, the crowbar is a useful tool when applied
judiciously. There is one use, however, that hasn't been explored. The
next time you feel the compulsion to ask, "How do I make a tack
cloth?" take a crowbar and pry the network connection of your computer
out
of the wall, and never plug it back in. Thanks in advance.
And remember... TINC.
Copyright 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 Patrick M. Olguin.
You can't copy this. Not even for fun!. I didn't steal the idea from
anyone! (Unlike Luigi did) It's mine mine mine mine mine!!! And
speaking of
Luigi, you can't hide behind that disclaimer, everyone knows you're
picking on me about that Skil-sawn Workmate. How'd I know that plywood
was only 3/8"? YOU try woodworking with your crotchety judgemental
father-in-law standing right there in front of you, criticising your
every
move. Oh yeah... (mutter, grouse, moan **blink** **blink**) and I'm
still
in therapy about that, dammit!!!! I'm ok, really I am. Can I deduct
this?
What are all you people looking at? Move along, nothing to see here.
Keep
moving.
O'Deen
Bob N
u i
We can see that you are indulging your classic insecurity as usual.
Your desperate need to win acclaim from your sycophantic coterie has
led to this rather pathetic attempt at upstaging the brilliant piece
of work presented by Luigi. Let's look at some of your comments.
>And speaking of Luigi, you can't hide behind that disclaimer, everyone
>knows you're picking on me about that Skil-sawn Workmate.
I hate to drag it out again, but at least I've now got the ol' Reading
Comprehension card laminated so it'll hold up. Let's look at what
Luigi actually said:
>Disclaimer: This is not an attack on anyone who has ever posted
>in this newsgroup, whether they have cut up workmates with a skil
>saw or not. It is also not meant to imply any thing negative
>about Skil's or Black & Decker's fine products, or people who
>make a virtue of a necessity. The word skil saw was used
>generically, like kleenex, and could refer to any portable
>circular saw, including those sold by Sears. Notice that the
>words Zebrawood or shellac were not used, so it is not meant to
>refer to any particular individual, but rather generally to
>people who use hand planes on unsuitable wood. See Disclaimer
>FAQ.
A careful, or casual for that matter, reading shows that Luigi
specifically and unequivocally excludes you. Only someone with your
paranoia and your pitiable lack of self-esteem could twist his words
to apply to yourself. What part of the disclaimer do you not
understand, Paddy?
Let's take a look at your other unfounded claims.
>I didn't steal the idea from anyone! (Unlike Luigi did)
#1 You could at least admit that the crow-bar phrase was first uttered
by that lap-dog of yours who thinks of himself as a fine classic
cabinet saw, albeit not as good as an Inca. You could have at least
have thrown him a Bohn. I am sure he will make a pitiful attempt to
come to your defense, especially since you publicly did him the favor
of petting his darling Unisaw, despite your well-known and oft-
expressed view that such tools are the work of the devil.
#2 A quick check on Google reveals that the idea of humorous FAQs was
originated by Luigi, followed by Tad. You contention that you did not
steal the idea is completely and unutterably false.
#3 You did not add "people who think good guards are too expensive" to
this "Crowbar FAQ." The most expensive guard is cheaper than the least
expensive surgeon. While I can understand people on limited budgets
trying to save money by buying tool "kits" (eg, tools that need user
modifications to work), sacrificing safety is not, IMHO, a viable
option.
In conclusion, your FAQ shows a total lack of originality. That dog
won't fly.
Further, your weak attempt at an unfounded attack on Lee Valley in #2
did not pass unnoticed. I quote in full in a probably vain attempt at
preventing people from once again accusing me of misquoting:
>2. Gooseneck Wrecking Bar -
>
>These crowbars are easily recognized by their faceted rod,
>aggressively curved (gooseneck-shaped) end and blunt tip. They are
>best used on the fatter, more compressed, tri-fold wallets. The
>gooseneck is handy for generating a tremendous amount of leverage
>during the initial prying apart of the melded leather folds, while the
>blunt tip works well on milk money that has been squirreled away since
>kindergarten (early grade school, for you UK types). The gooseneck
>wrecking bar is preferred by 12-year old girls as the tool of choice
>when helping dismantle kitchen cabinets. Talk about your post-modern
>deconstructionism.
Despite its thin disguise, anyone with a modicum of literacy will have
caught the rather unimaginative attack. One would expect a neanderthal
such as yourself to call a tool, especially a hand tool, by its proper
name. Its correct name is a gooseneck *renovator's* bar, not a
wrecking bar, Pat. As the current main user of the phrase "routah"
for the tailed version (Sears excluded, it goes without saying), I
am surprised at your lack of accuracy. Well, maybe not surprised,
but nevertheless amused by the irony.
Also, a proper renovator's bar does not have a blunt tip. You will
admit that a blunt tip would make a renovator's bar completely
useless, not only for prying open wallets, but for its intended
function of dismantling nailed-together pieces of wood. In case you
hadn't noticed, a blunt tip makes it difficult if not impossible to
insert the bar in the interstice between two pieces of wood. Just
like attempting to put a square dog in a round doghole.
Another bird that won't hunt.
Of course, your cronies will doubtlessly accuse me of weaving another
cocoon at this point. Unfortunately, their reading comprehension grade
level matches their single digit IQ.
Disclaimer: None of the above statements are intended to be insulting
nor inflammatory to anyone, including Paddy, his fawning admirers,
Keith, his unisaw, Tad, Luigi or Lee Valley. Nevertheless, I hereby
apologize in advance if any of my remarks have offended anyone - my
intent was solely to humorously demonstrate that Paddy, despite his
claims to the contrary, is not original.
Disclaimer to the Disclaimer: Mentioning that some people have a sense
of humor about something is not meant to imply, nor should any reader
infer, that I'm accusing anyone else of not having a sense of humor.
Readers who take this or any other inference do so at their own risk,
and I specifically disown all such inferences. Nothing in this post,
whether body or disclaimer, or disclaimer to the disclaimer, or
disclaimer to the disclaimer to the disclaimer (should one exist) is
intended as a personal attack, insult, slight, etc., nor is intended
to be disparaging of this thread's participants in any serious way.
L(u)eeds(i)@mudbrick.com
Opinions are mine alone.
Luigi
Replace "no" with "yk" twice
in address for real email adress
Patrick Olguin
> Patrick,
>
> We can see that you are indulging your classic insecurity as usual.
[uncanny Leedsian sock puppet send-up, erased from existence]
Ya know, Lu-eedsy, it's a pity that there are likely precious few
old-timers left around here to appreciate the level of detail to which
you delved, the ear for dialog which you possess, and the frightening
sense of timing you demonstrated. I'm not sure what was more
disturbing - seeing my post picked apart, or watching the ghost of
Bennett's Cocoon so aptly lampooned, twisting and turning into its
grotesque and predictable vortex. There should have been a disclaimer.
One word: brilliant.
Luigi, you are a master. You're deeply disturbed, ya bastage, but you
are a master. I laughed so hard, I cried... and then I ran quickly
from the room and hid under the bed.
Heh. For those of you who *got* what Luigi did here... it's sort of
the rec.norm equivalent of saying, "Candyman!" three times into a
mirror, and waiting to see what happens.
O'Deen
Jeffrey Thunder
paddy...@yahoo.com (Patrick Olguin) writes:
> L(u)eeds(i)@mudbrick.com etched for eternity
>> Patrick,
>>
>> We can see that you are indulging your classic insecurity as usual.
> [uncanny Leedsian sock puppet send-up, erased from existence]
"Uncanny" is an understatement. For a while there, I thought
"Oh my god, he's baaaaaack!"
OTOH, have any of us actually seen Luigi and BLeeds together at
the same time? Kinda makes you think. Hmmmmm.........
> Heh. For those of you who *got* what Luigi did here... it's sort of
> the rec.norm equivalent of saying, "Candyman!" three times into a
> mirror, and waiting to see what happens.
I thought it was "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice." :)
--
Jeff Thunder
Dept. of Mathematical Sciences
Northern Illinois Univ.
jthu...@math.niu.edu
Luigi Zanasi
wrote:
>Ya know, Lu-eedsy, it's a pity that there are likely precious few
>old-timers left around here to appreciate the level of detail to which
>you delved, the ear for dialog which you possess, and the frightening
>sense of timing you demonstrated. I'm not sure what was more
>disturbing - seeing my post picked apart, or watching the ghost of
>Bennett's Cocoon so aptly lampooned, twisting and turning into its
>grotesque and predictable vortex. There should have been a disclaimer.
How did you know it was me? Oh s**t, I forgot to remove the .sig when
I posted, eh.
Actually, I have a confession to make about the ear for dialog thing,
which might bring the wrath of the copyright police on me. If the post
sounded uncannily like Bennett, it is because he actually wrote most
of it. Yup, Google & cut & paste. I merely found a couple of absurd
twists (& cups & bows - OBWW) to hook it on and reassembled a bunch of
stuff he wrote.
>One word: brilliant.
>
>Luigi, you are a master. You're deeply disturbed, ya bastage, but you
>are a master. I laughed so hard, I cried... and then I ran quickly
>from the room and hid under the bed.
Thank you Paddy. I am genuinely honoured - yes, that is the correct
spelling. Especially coming from someone who is no slouch at humour.
>Heh. For those of you who *got* what Luigi did here... it's sort of
>the rec.norm equivalent of saying, "Candyman!" three times into a
>mirror, and waiting to see what happens.
Huh? I guess my nephews have failed to keep me up to date on this.
For those who think I have too much time on my hands and that I should
get a hobby or a life, they are unfortunately correct. Work is a
little slow right now & I have been avoiding sanding & finishing 42
cedar window frames for my solarium. I built a wire drying rack for
the 300 or so pieces of moulding, trim & stops that will be required
to glaze and install the windows, milled the aforesaid mouldings, trim
& stops, built tall sawhorses and another rack to hold all 42 windows
while they dry, put together a table to varnish them on, built a
downdraft table for the sanding (doesn't work too well - not enough
airflow in my shop vac). At a loss as to what to do next other than
sanding, I returned to the wreck, revised the anti-faq & wrote (or
stole) the response to the crow-bar FAQ. If anyone has other
suggestions as to what I could be doing, other than getting on with
the sanding, they would be more than welcome.
And, yes, I am suffering from cabin fever. After one of the warmest
winters on record in the Yukon (it actually went above freezing a
number of times in January & February), things have barely started
melting here, with night-time temperatures of -25 degress Celsius and
most daily maxima below freezing.
Paddy, can I be in the cabal now? Although I never got flamed by
Bennett, I did defend Keith recently, have bashed Searz, have bought a
plane fromn Leach, own a bunch of old hand planes and an old Delta
Milwaukee bandsaw. Pluheeeeese? I even promise to make fun of David
and Jeff when they spell words like colour, mitre and vice correctly.
Unisaw A100
>Paddy, can I be in the cabal now? Although I never got flamed by
>Bennett, I did defend Keith recently, have bashed Searz, have bought a
>plane fromn Leach, own a bunch of old hand planes and an old Delta
>Milwaukee bandsaw. Pluheeeeese? I even promise to make fun of David
>and Jeff when they spell words like colour, mitre and vice correctly.
Now wait a darn minute there Weeg! The *colour* thing is a
nod to our friends from above the lower 48 and not exactly
pointed at David. David, being Kanadian and being a decent
chap, just gets the honors of having his name tacked onto
it. No *fun* intended. Just making for good wreck.wood
lore doncha know.
By the way, I do appreciate your coming to my aid almost as
much as I appreciate your owning a Delta Mahwaukee bandsor.
Stay vigilante.
UA100
Larry Jaques
up pixels to the effect:
>Paddy, can I be in the cabal now? Although I never got flamed by
>Bennett, I did defend Keith recently, have bashed Searz, have bought a
>plane fromn Leach, own a bunch of old hand planes and an old Delta
>Milwaukee bandsaw. Pluheeeeese? I even promise to make fun of David
>and Jeff when they spell words like colour, mitre and vice correctly.
Even if Paddy doesn't agree (though I'm sure he will), I
believe the rest of us (if there were any) would vote you
into the cabal after all THAT good work, 'weege.
Well done.
-
Gently-used Firestone tires for sale at discount!
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