Outsider Newsletter: Ryder, Sushi-X, HitmanCLUB and Others Rape The Outsider
Show Stoppa
sure when you opened this E-mail, you expected to find
something written by ChryetSCUMman, or INWO"SCUM"RED, or NJ "SCUM"
Liger "SCUM" NJ, or MAXI "SCUM" MINI. I am proud to inform you that
today's Outsider will be DEGENERATE FREE!!! Today, a team of the
finest wrestling news people have taken over the Outsider, and we are
going to bring you the news the way it should be brought to
you...filtered by WCW's corporate office, and passed off as an
independent source of information! Unlike every other issue of the
Wrestling Outsider, this one will not be filled with HARDCORE
PORNOGRAPHY....and just like WCW, there will also be no HARDCORE
WRESTLING!!!
SUSHI-X: Hello, I am SUSHI-X, and I am here because I heard the
Wrestling Outsider is printing fake news. I can understand
printing bogus news, I mean what online source hasn't had their WON
arrive late, or didn't have time to transcribe an entire Mean
Gene hotline? But constantly making up news is a blatant rip-off of
my style, and I want everyone to know it!
HitmanCLUB: The Wrestling Outsider has had many jokes at our expense,
and we will no longer stand for it. If I were to give online
wrestling an enema, I would start with the Wrestling Outsider....and
believe me, I would enjoy giving them an enema!
SUSHI-X: ...and you know who else had many jokes at our expense? You
guessed it, THE NAZIS!!!!
Ryder: HitmanCLUB, you are a regular Michael Cole with that kind of
hardcore pornographic talk! I will have no more of it!
ScoopsGuy: Hi, I'm a guy from Scoops. I don't know my real name, but
I am sure I am a total idiot.
HitmanCLUB: In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have said that thing
about the enema.
SUSHI-X: You know who else shouldn't have said that thing about the
enema? THE NAZIS!!!!
Ryder: Well gang, there is a lot of news for us to cover, so lets get
right to it. First off, the NBA had a big press release today, I
think we should look at that....
OFFICIAL NBA PRESS RELEASE FROM THE NBA OF BASKETBALL
NBA players and owners came to an agreement this week after they
finally found some middle ground they could agree on. Both
players and owners cited the proposed NBC wrestling specials featuring
WCW that would air if there was no NBA season as the
main reason for resolving the lockout. Charles Barkley explained the
situation, "We didn't mind screwing the fans out of a season" said
Charles "but subjecting them to numerous WCW specials would just be
cruel. We aren't animals. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to smash
your face into a plate glass window."
Ryder: Well, I know the NBA has produced many fine wrestlers, but why
couldn't the players just all join WCW instead of ruining everything?
I think the NBA players are desperate, just like Mick Foley, who is
desperate for attention.
Sushi-X: You know something, NBA players and Mick Foley? You know who
else was desperate for attention? You guessed it, THE NAZIS!!!
Dr.Doug: I am the dumbest person alive.
HitmanClub: If I had to give the entire sports world an enema, I would
give each and every one of the NBA players an enema.
A very long and stimulating enema, that would put a giant smile on
each and every one of their handsome faces. Then I would
elect Bret Hart as the NBA player of the year.
Ryder: THERE WILL BE NO HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY HERE MISTER!!!!
HitmanCLUB, I am afraid I must ask you to leave this issue of the
newsletter immediately.
HitmanClub: Ok, I'll leave, but I won't job to anyone on my way out.
SUSHI-X: You know who else wouldn't job on their way out? The
NAZIS!!!!
Ryder: SUSHI-X, I find your ridiculous marginalization of the Nazi's
behavior refreshing, but I would appreciate it if you would
channel your anger against the WWF and their graphic hardcore
pornography that they show on TV.
Joe Pedicino: Well, now that HitmanClub is gone, I can take his place.
Every wrestling fan and newsletter writer: Who are you?'
Pedicino: D'OH!
Mean Gene: If you call my hotline, I'll tell you exactly who this
man...this Joe Pedicino is...
Scherer: But you just told everyone who he is?
Gene Gene: D'OH!! NOW NOBODY WILL CALL!!! I WILL BE POOR AND
MISERABLE FOREVER!!!!
(Mean Gene puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Wrestling
fans around the world dance in the streets and celebrate for many
days)
Pedicino: Well, if you don't want me in this newsletter, does anyone
have Ahmed Johnson's number?
Scherer: That rumor wasn't even true!
Pedicino: It wasn't? Oh...well never mind then.
Ryder: Now, on to more news....It has apparently become a tradition
for the Wrestling Outsider to review a review of wrestling
related news. Now, I don't approve of the Outsider, but I love
tradition, like the many years of tradition that WCW has brought
us. So, to keep this tremendous sense of tradition alive, here is the
second ever Wrestling Outsider "Review of a Review"....
REVIEW OF A REVIEW
By the mysterious Review-Reviewer
A Review of the ProWrestling Hardcore Newsletter's "Year End Special"
<<<PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999...BECAUSE IT IS!!! On behalf off the staff
here at PWHardcore we wish you all a great
year...>>
It would have been a better year for most of us if this thing never
got into our mailboxes.
<<We've been on a little Holiday break but starting next Monday we
will be back with the newsletter you've come to love...>>
The Wrestling Outsider?
<<PWH.>>
DOH!
<< For right now the staff has been brought together to start this
year as only PWH can.>>
Horribly?
<<The staff honors this sport with their picks for the 1998 PWH
Year-End Awards. So here a salute to the year that was...>>
You honor the sport as well as Warrior v Hogan 2.
<<"A Woman's Touch"
by PWHWoman
Is the New Year upon us? Hmmm…. Guess who's happy this year is over.>>
People who don't work on mainframes? Fans of the "the Artist formerly
known as Prince"?
<<That's right, everyone,>>
Prince isn't THAT popular anymore. I'll admit that those butt less
pants were an amusing pre-cursor to the "Mr. Ass" gimmick.
<<I'm a happy soul that I can start the year over. Maybe I'll do
something right this time.>>
Actually, you can't start the year over, but you can waste another
year if you want. There is a difference between time traveling
and time passing. I suggest you do some research on the subject.
<<Welcome to the year end edition of a "A Woman's Touch". I'd like to
thank all of you for coming and hope you stay a while.
Hope your holidays were wonderful. Because of my many male suitors, I
cleaned up! It helps to be a babe, let me tell ya. I'll also
plug the DAZZLING gift I received from someone here on staff. Let me
tell you that PWHIceman lived up to the nickname Ice.
Oh, baby….. I'll be taking pictures of me with this thing on- and
nothing else. Its beauty compliments mine. LOL.>>
Bragging about being stalked by creepy internet wrestling fans is like
Letterman bragging about the women that break into his
house.
<<So Bryan has suggested we share what we thought about pro wrestling
this year. Well, I started out the year at an ECW show
that was pretty damn good. I met a lot of people after the show
(Danny Danny Danny!) and continued my road to ECW
franticness. ECW has gone through its ups, its down and its continual
growing pains. I can honestly say I did not enjoy the last the
couple of shows and am wondering why in the hell I spent another $100
for my Club while the people to the left and right of me
have long given up. I guess I am indeed a fan until the bitter end.
And take note, skeptics, the end is not coming just because we
lose a few workers to another federation so cut it already.>>
No, the end is coming because ECW insists on pushing horrible stiffs
like Jake Roberts and Psid.. Is "franticness" a word?
<<Wrestler of the Year: Danny Doring of course! Who else captivated
audiences (and my hotel rooms) more this year than
Danny? LOL. Seriously I'm not naming Stone Cold, Goldberg, Nash,
Hogan, Undertaker, or Shane Douglas. >>
Undertaker??? SHANE DOUGLAS???? How do those names get thrown around
as wrestler of the year? Sure, UT stumbled his way throughout the
match of the year, but he also did horrible interviews and stumbled
through a bunch o of matches where Foley wasn't there to carry him.
Well, obviously you are just building tension for your announcement of
Foley as Wrestler of the Year...
<<My Wrestler of the Year is Rob Van Dam. Don't read it over. >>
If I owned a gun, I wouldn't be able to read it again.
<<Who else was more captivating to an audience?>>
Foley.
<<Match of the Year: LOL. Nothing kept me more breathless than the
Jerry Lynn/Justin Credible match. I am an old school girl
and it was great to see the two guys turn it on. Hey, BJ four stars,
and match of the year, for sure!>>
You're laughing because you are joking, right?
<<Rookie of the Year: "Move aside and let the man go through…." Even
though he'd been wrestling for months prior, I met
Dastardly Danny Doring this year. What a great guy, nice soft hair,
awesome….um anyway. Sure he hasn't won a ton of
matches, but who cares? He's my pick! And um, Danny? I expect
something BIG on January 16th, 1998. Tee hee.>>
Ring rats are so interesting.
<<Commentator of the Year: Uhhmmm.wellum.. Ya know who I loved
listening to? Shane Douglas. The man is smart and has a great voice.
He was damn eloquent, too. Bring him back. Sadly Styles does need a
little relief.>>
GOOD LORD!!! Shane Douglas makes Rick Rude look like Jim Ross....you
know...Jim Ross? Ever hear of the guy? Are all of your awards based
on the shape of the asses involved?
<<Angle/Feud of the Year: The saga of Vince McMahon, Boss from Hell,
continues even as I type. Boy is Vince hitting a homerun with this
one. And to think it all started with the "Bret Hart Screw". Woman
still thinks the whole thing was a work (Bret's wife was trained well,
wasn't she?)>>
Not at the art of pleasing her husband.
<<News/Headline of the Year: For me, I think it's the fact that
professional wrestling has become so popular within the last year.
I see t-shirts at the malls, videos being sold everywhere, and if I
hear of another pro wrestling special I think I'm going to
scream.>>
"Wrestling Is Popular" was my favorite headline of the year also. All
the controversy, and drama of wrestling rolled up into one great
story.
<<My hope for pro wrestling: I hope it goes back to being my dirty
little secret and that the nouveau fans will eventually evolve
into..well.me. I>>
Ring rats? I'm sure Pat Patterson will enjoy all the young male fans
"evolving" into you.
<<ONE MORE THING: If I see one more thing in my e-mail box about
Scott Hall's ex-wife Dana, I'm going to scream.>>
Well, I am sure a threat like that will silence Dana forever.
<<Get over it, lady. Your ex-hubby has a problem, and airing his
dirty laundry out in public ain't gonna help him or your kids.>>
Yes, it is things like pretending monthly car crashes are normal, and
ignoring criminal behavior that will put Scott Hall on the right
track.
<<You should have been trying to support him and get him help instead
of being an enabler, and that's what you were. And
PLEASE do not tell me you had no idea about the drugs or the women.
If so, you are truly clueless into the world of pro wrestling
after hours. I'm not saying every wrestler has a similar lifestyle,
but I AM saying you knew about your man's problems and were
probably too busy out shopping to do something about it. Go raise
your children and when he straightens up, have his kids waiting
w/o any crap that you put into their heads about their dad. >>
Yes, Dana is obviously to blame for Scott Hall being a drunken
dirtbag. Just because she isn't a stanky ringrat doesn't mean she
shouldn't be allowed to "speak on this". Nobody else is trying to
help Scott, so there is no need for Dana to rock the boat? Nice to
see Louie Spicolli was a wake up to nobody. I'd say the odds are
about 50/50 Scott Hall makes it to the year 2000.
<<In short, Dana Hall, GET A LIFE. Man, I feel better. >>
Nobody that reads your column does.
END OF REVIEW
Ryder: Wow, that was horrible. I am just going to cut that thing off
right here, and save the rest of the wonderful staff of PWH
from further humiliation. Hopefully when the 'real' Outsider returns,
they do not continue with such nonsense. Does anyone have
anything to add to that?
SeanPen: The over/under odds for the number of times PWH will quit,
and then return this year is 52.
Georgie Markpost: I hate to interrupt you gentlemen, but I have three
breaking stories to report. First up, it looks like WCW will
be starting up a "Mother's Division". Raven's mother is the odds on
favorite to be the first champion in that division. Secondly, I
love Beanie Babies. They are cute, and if anyone has some, send them
to me. The third story suggests that Dirty Dutch Mantel
will be signing autographs at Bongo Bill's Potato Emporium in Canada.
I suggest everyone try to make it to that big event.
Ryder: Well, WCW is firing on all cylinders. No doubt everyone is
looking forward to Souled Out!
Sensible Newsletter Person(fictional character): Yeah, I am looking
forward to seeing if Ric Flair's son can carry two guys
that even Benoit can't carry to good matches. Nice to watch Benoit
job to two guys that Flair's little son will take on. Good job
sticking with WCW Benoit. The "Dress Match" should be the "Diaper
Match" of 1999!
Ryder: YOU ARE A DEGENERATE!!!! Well, I have had just about enough of
this nonsense. The next time you read this newsletter, it will
probably be back to its old horrible self. The people at the Outsider
will probably brag about the horrible new pictures they have up at
their "Complete Guide to Every Wrestler Ever" at
(http://members.aol.com/INWOsuxRED/Page2.html),
or the horribly pornographic "Erotic Adventures of Tenta" that can be
found on their main Outsider page at
(http://members.home.net/laret1/outsider.html). I hope all of you
reading this avoid that filthy hardcore pornography, and instead go
out and rent a nice Disney movie like the Rescuers. WCW! WCW! WCW!!!!
Visit the New and Not Much Improved Outsider Web Thing at ...
http://members.home.net/laret1/outsider.html
Subscribe to the Outsider Newsletter by E-Mailing ...
INWOs...@aol.com
*******************Worship Foley*******************
Visit this site or suffer the delicious consequences ...
http://members.home.net/laret1/outsider.html