The Survivor Series, fall-by-fall (long - sorry)
Ronald E. Graham
Perfect Team ("Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, capt.) vs.
Warriors (Ultimate Warrior, capt.)
[We figured we were in trouble from the outset, because we looked at this
match as probably the best of the night, and they put it up front. Also,
surprising those of us who follow this group regularly, Ax showed up!
Since Ax was there, and his hair newly, perfectly coiffured, we figured
he was a good candidate for an early shower. We were right on both points.
Also, Mr. Perfect does a great spit-and-whack-to-the-seventh-row with his
gum.]
o Ultimate Warrior pinned Ax
o Hawk, Animal, Smash, and Crush all disqualified because Hawk
shoved the referee
o Mr. Perfect pinned "Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich
o Warrior pinned Perfect
Survivor: Ultimate Warrior
[Possibly the most disappointing occurrence of the evening: all of LOD and
two-thirds of Demolition disqualified. Vince just won't let anything happen.]
Dream Team (Dusty Rhodes, capt.) vs.
Million-Dollar Team (Ted DiBiase, capt.)
[The mystery partner was Caine the Undertaker, AKA Mean Mark Callas. The
Undertaker has been mentioned in very recent postings and is managed by
Blubber Love. Looks like Vince didn't take my advice to hire Missy Hyatt
;-). Callas was dubbed "Mean Mark" while he was playing college basket-
ball, and I like that name better than the Undertaker (although the
character is interesting), so I will call him Mean Mark from henceforth.]
o Mean Mark pinned Koko B. Ware
o Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart pinned Honky Tonk Man
o Ted DiBiase pinned Neidhart
o Mean Mark pinned Dusty Rhodes
o Mean Mark counted out chasing Dusty back to the locker room
o Bret "Hit Man" Hart pinned Greg "the Hammer" Valentine
o DiBiase pinned Hart
Survivor: Ted DiBiase
[Mean Mark has a bright future in the WWF, if Vince will let him do anything.
I was pleased to see Callas make such an utter fool of Dusty Rhodes. Looks
like Dusty really is on the way out. And the Hart/DiBiase segment of the
match carried a very good workrate, as you might expect from those two.]
Vipers (Jake "the Snake" Roberts, capt.) vs.
Visionaries ("The Model" Rick Martel, capt.)
[Superfly Snuka wore boots for this one. Jake did not wear an eye-patch.
The Warlord wore some kind of cyborg-like half-head metal mask. Ho-hum.]
o Warlord pinned Marty Jannetty
o Rick Martel pinned Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka
o Paul Roma pinned Shaun Michaels
o Jake Roberts was counted out chasing Martel with Damian
Survivors: entire Visionaries team
[Roddy Piper was in rare form for this match, although, as a commentator, he
is becoming more and more of a homer. Martel pulled a blind-side attack on
Roberts as Jake was in the ring with Hercules, and Piper shouted "you cheap-
ass! Oops! Excuse me!"]
Natural Disasters (Earthquake, capt.) vs. Hulkamaniacs (guess who, capt.)
[We guessed that a match of this nature would reveal exactly the extent of
Dino Bravo's talents. We were right: he has none.]
o Big Bossman pinned Haku
o Hacksaw Jim Duggan disqualified for using the 2x4 on Earthquake
o Hulk Hogan pinned Dino Bravo
o Earthquake pinned Bossman
o Earthquake and Tugboat were counted out
o Hogan pinned Barbarian
Survivor: Hulk Hogan
[The disappointment here was that Tugboat was only in the match for a couple
minutes before he and Earthquake were given the heave-ho. What a waste.
Once those two were gone, who was going to share the ring with Hogan? The
Barbarian is clueless in these matches. Hogan finished him off with the
patented shake-it-off-finger-wag-one-upside-the-head-clothesline-leg-drop.]
Mercenaries (Sergeant Slaughter, capt.) vs. Alliance (Nikolai Volkoff, capt.)
[Never has there been a more clueless team captain in Survivor Series history
than Nikolai Volkoff. No finishing move, no charisma, can only punch. And
that not very well.]
o Chico Santana pinned Boris Zhukov
o Butch Miller pinned Akio Sato
o Santana pinned Patrick Tanaka
[Note: it's now the Big Sarge against the whole Alliance team.]
o Sgt. Slaughter pinned Volkoff
o Slaughter pinned Luke Williams
o Slaughter pinned Miller
[And the Big Sarge has methodically worked his way down to just Santana.]
o Slaughter DQd for "General" Adnan Al-Kaissie's interference
[And this *while Slaughter had Chico in the Camel Clutch*...]
Survivor: Chico Santana
There was only an interview with the Macho King this evening. Excuse me.
"The Once and Future King."
The Egg was hatched. Mr. Gavinelli and Mr. Kunze, if you read this, I defer
to your sources. You were right. Would that you were wrong. The Egg not
only contained a "mascot," but probably the stupidest thing I have ever seen
in a wrestling promotion: a dancing chicken who calls himself "Gobbledy-
Gooker." Gene Okerlund said, and rightly so, "What in God's name is this?"
The fans booed loudly. Piper must have been well-paid for saying "San Diego
Chicken, eat your heart out!" Even Hot Rod laid an egg with this one, folks.
I hope Vince has the smarts to lose this stupid chicken now, before fans have
a chance to remember it. I'll assume Vince just wanted to let the remaining
wrestlers have a break before the final, if he gets rid of the sucker now.
Finale:
o Santana pinned Warlord
o DiBiase pinned Santana
o Hogan pinned Roma
o Martel retired from the ring and was counted out
[to put it mildly...]
o Hogan pinned DiBiase
o Warrior pinned Hercules
Survivors: Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior
Final Notes:
o Santana received a generous push in this card, possibly as a "reward"
for years of faithful service to the WWF, in the form of three pins
(even if one of them *was* only Zhukov);
o The Warlord is amazingly worthless in the ring. The guy is so big
he cannot move, and this night, although he did pin Jannetty, he
also suffered the ignominy of a DDT and a Santana pin;
o The Quickest Shower Award goes, with no surprise, to Boris Zhukov.
Although Koko B. Ware and Ax get an honorable mention;
o The Most Impressive Performance Award goes to Sgt. Slaughter, for
being very close to coming back from a 4-1 deficit to win. Even
though Hogan actually had more pins, and Santana, DiBiase, and the
Warrior just as many;
o The No-Push Award goes to Dusty Rhodes, who did nothing this night;
o The Futility Award is shared by LOD and Crush and Smash, trapped in
a world they never made;
o The Good-Guy Award goes to Hulk Hogan, for continuing to legitimize
the Ultimate Warrior's WWF title reign.
Overall opinion of the card? OK. Not worth the $25 we spent on it. Drop
the price to $15, and you have a deal.
RG Ultimate etc.