Thursday Thunder 4/1 Bottleneck Slide Report
kt...@rocketmail.com
parents were hippies, too. Bret Hart is a genius and provided the best TV
moment so far this year. I'll brook no argument. Get yr. groin well soon, BH.
All right then, we're LIVE from Richmond, Virginia! Our hosts are Tony "Heel"
Schiavone, Bobby "Brain" Heenan, and Mike "Iron Professor" Tenay. Tonight!
"The Stars Of WCW In Great Matches!" according to Tony. Well all right!
Tony fires the first shot in Announcer Wars by referring to Tenay and Heenan
as the two biggest fools in wrestling. Hey! Sting's gonna deliver a message
on Monday - more about that at the end of the report! SPOILER!
Okerhound brings out the newly married Raven and Saturn. Raven's a little
laid back here, dropping some pointless ECW references or whatever.
Apparently it'll be Raven/Saturn vs. Vanilla/Midgets at Spring Stampede in
lovely Tacoma, Washington. Say, why not make that a #1 contender for the tag
titles match? That'd be logical! That's why not.
Clip package for Disco/Konnan. Sigh. This is one of those predetermined-ending
feuds.
MATCH ONE: Oh, to joy, Eric Watts makes his big Thunder debut! He looks like
a suckier Test. On his entrance, he says it's "goin down." The ratings? He'll
be facing Norman Smiley, who gets a quite serviceable pop upon his entrance.
I'm digging it. Smiley REALLY needs some more appropriate music - he's got
the Gneneric WCW Metal #23 theme. Ugh. He needs some greasy Hammond organ
funk. He kisses a girl's hand as he comes to the ring, then spots somebody by
the aisle with a "Spank Me Smiley" sign but luckily the camera focuses on
that disco rave cutie Watts in the ring. How old is Eric Watts exactly and if
he's as old as I think he is shouldn't he be embarrassed? They finally get
into the ring and this match is somnambulism. Watts has absolutely no flow.
He mocks the SMBU dance to a chorus of boos. Watts does a bad drop-toehold
into the ropes and also very nearly botches a powerbomb into the turnbuckle
pad that looked baaaaaaad. His ring demeanor is so dull, yet he looks so
pleased with himself. The crowd is either chanting "Norman" or "Boring."
Watts gets kicked after a 2-inch high leapfrog attemt. The camera goes to
far-away vision as Norman dances. Uh, okay, but the Nitro Girls can do it?
Smiley cinches on the crossface chickenwing and wins it, good enough. Leaving
the ring: "You know it's jiggy time!" He's right.
Chris Jericho backstage wearing a www.chrisjericho.com T-Shirt. He tries to
worm himself back into the U.S. title tournament because Hennig is out
injured. "Think of the kids, JJ!" - that's an odd rationalization. Dillon
blows him off but Jericho rules America.
Ancient Nitro commercial featuring Syxx, 3rd week in a row. They've gotta be
doing this on purpose: "Remember! This is when we were WINNING the ratings!"
MATCH TWO: Mike Enos and Bobby Duncum Jr. are a tag team again, how
wonderful. How long did WCW sign the loaf of boredom that is Bobby Duncum Jr.
so we can start counting down now? Raven & Saturn come out to some new music.
This is a pretty average tag-team match, some nice quick tags and
double-taming by R&S but nothing to write home about. The announcers talk
about Rey & Kidman and I wonder if a possible Kidman turn is coming just due
to the whole "Reformed Flock" mojo that seems to be going on. Enos sets up
for his top rope powerslam but Saturn stops it. The fans are clapping like
trained seals - how'd that happen? Raven cleans house, and an Evenflow on
Enos finishes it. Benoit and Malenko run in and deliver a beatdown. Benoit
hita a kneebreaker and a dragonscrew legwhip on Raven, and then holds his leg
for Malenko to do something to it that we don't see because we're too busy
looking at Saturn outside the ring. That ruled. Chain wrestling and beatdowns
go well together. Chairs are used and that's what we call the good kind of
violence. Yum!
More backstage Jericho. Falir puts him back in the U.S. title tournament and
Thor sez: Whip Ass! Flair says Jericho grew up wanting to be like him, not
Hogan, and that's reason enough.
Saturday Night promo: Booker T! Jericho! Dog Steiner vs. Fit Finlay! Meng and
Jerry Flynn are Tag Team Partners For Some Reason!
MATCH THREE: Chris Adams seems to have caught Finlay's Disease this month, as
he's working stiffer and smoother than I've seen him in quite some time.
Needless to say, I'm enjoying it. Jericho comes out. Is this a U.S. Title
tourney match? The announce team never says. Adams kicks Jericho right in the
face and then flips to his feet. Tenay calls an enzuguri a "superkick" -
Mike, not you! Adams then superkicks Jericho on the floor, drags him in the
ring and hits a cross-body from the top rope. Adams is breathing really
heavily but it works for me. Jericho's "catapault me into the turnbuckle"
spot really doesn't work on the order of Fit's "I'm holding on to the bottom
rope, pull me out" spot and I'd like to not see it again. Settled? Good.
Jericho gets him in the Liontamer and wins it. Adams wasn't as hot this week
but still handled himself nicely.
Ed Leslie is in the back with Flair - in 30 days his contract expires.
(Pardon me for a minute.)
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
(Okay.)
Flair offers to exten the contract for 3 years at double pay if Booty Leslie
can beat Hogan tonight in the main event. Oh, that's not good. Yep, Flair's a
heel to me now. I really don't have a clue who to root for in that one.
MATCH FOUR: Meng comes out but his new mysterious tag partner Jerry Flynn
isn't with him - we go to the back and Barbarian and Hugh Mungous are sort of
piledriving him on the concrete. Oh, joy, now Jerry Flynn's escaped the
Ernest Miller Vortex of Suckiness and been sucked right into the Jimmy Hart
Vortex of Fat Guy Suckiness. Sigh. I couldn't bring myself to watch this for
more than 30 seconds at a stretch, and learned how to play some Missisippi
Fred McDowell on the bottleneck slide. I look up to see Hugh and Meng giving
each other the man-titty chops. Yes! Commercial!
Announcer Wars continue as we return. Tony: "I'm tired of being a cheerleader
here, rah rah rah rah rah!" Jerry Flynn comes out, knocks Morrus off the top
turnbuckle and Meng puts thee Tongan Deeth Gryppe on Barbarian, then Morrus.
Meng wins.
Then we see a MENG PROMO. What? His tongababble sounds sort of cool with all
that echo, though - like somebody speaking Chinese underwater.
Gene Okerhound: "The thrill is back - please welcome Hollywood Hulk Hogan."
Dear sir, fuck you. Are those cheers real? Schiavine mocks WCW Motorsports
and Jerry Nadeau. Standardized Hogan Interview. Flair comes out. Standardized
Flair Crowd Baiting ("Fatboy! Shut Up!"). Disciple comes out. Completely
incomprehensible interview. I didn't enjoy this.
MATCH FIVE: Chavo Jr. and Kaz Hayashi (Mini Glaciar) are tag partners now,
but it looks to me like Benoit and Malenko are gonna whip the snot out of
them. This match was too short and fast for me to call. Malenko starts out
with a cool mat-avoidance/reversal segment. This match is sweet like butter
but most of it goes uncalled by the announce team 'cause Schiavone's too bust
threatening Mike Tenay's job! The upshot of this looks like Tenay's not gonna
be on Nitro and Schiavone's not gonna be on Thunder. Fine by me - Thunder's
MY show. Chavo his a massively swank headscissors on Dean, and a less swank
one on Benoit. This match is the pimpnuts. Tenay takes over play-by-play and
is doing an amazing job while Tony is impersonating Larry Zybysko! I bust out
laughing when Tomy sez "That blue-eyed Goddess A.C. Jazz!" FUCK YES! Malenko
hits a tigerbomb (called by Mike Tenay, all on his lonesome) and the Texas
Cloverleaf, and Kaz taps. Too short! Raven and Saturn come out for the
reciprocal beatdown. Saturn hits an assisted splash on Benoit on a table
outside the ring, but it doesn't break. Ouch!
NWO Black & White Vignetteathon sets up a 4-way elimination match for control
of the B&W at Spring Stampede. Oh, that's gonna SKYROCKET the buyrate! I'm
gonna buy two!
MATCH SIX: Argh! Cease with the Horace! DDP comes out to squash him. Is Page
still a heel? He doesn't go through the crowd anymore. Is Horace a heel? Do I
care enough to type any more on this subject? The announcers play up DDP's
charity work - oh, THAT'll get him over as a heel! I think I like the heel
Page more than the face one. Horace busts out a "Shit!" during an armwringer
- muted! The people are chanting "DDP!" - was Canada just the Bizarro World?
Me hate workrate! This match is perfectly serviceable and Page isn't dogging
it. Horace is still terrible. Yes! Commercial!
We come back to some clubberin on the outside. Page hits a weird
crappy-looking headcissors takedown. Ugly floatover into the diamond cutter.
At least he's trying.
MATCH SEVEN: The Disciple's sort of cool music is gone but sadly he isn't.
He's not wearing his chaps nore his wallet chain. Someone's got a sign that
says "Et tu, brute." Man, that's a good one! Literary! Hogan takes the weight
belt off. Tony: "He doesn't take that belt off for just anyone!" A russian
legsweep prompts the hulk-up. The crowd goes wild!?! Idiots! Flair comes out,
trips Hogan from outside the ring, but he completely no-sells the
Stunpocalypse from the Disciple and hey, screw you! But this does mean the
Disciple's out of here in 30 days, no it's a SHOOT! Dear god, I hate Hogan.
SELL!
Flair runs in and starts chopping on Hogan in the corner. This was a good
Thunder!
Hogan no-sells the chops, hits the Big Lazy Boot and the Lazy-Legs Legdrop.
This was a TERRIBLE Thunder!
The Horsemen run in and start beating the snot out of Hogan! This was a good
Thunder!
Hogan beats them all up single-handedly and chases them out of the ring. This
was an AWFUL Thunder.
And that's where we stand. We end with a Sting promo for his "message" on
Monday, and since I'm so pissed of at WCW, I'm just gonna reveal it right now,
thatks to my contacts in Atlanta. Screw you, WCW!
SPOILER SPACE:
The message is love.
K. Thor Jensen
College boy thinks he's too good for the sing-along beard, huh?
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