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Don Surber addresses the White House Correspondents Dinner
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Michael Press
Apr 29, 2018, 7:20:02 PM4/29/18
to
"Thank you, it is an honor to be here tonight. So, once again
President Trump skipped partying with the wallflowers because he
cannot take a joke. He's in Mar-a-Lago tonight sulking. And by
sulking, I mean having the time of his life with his gorgeous
model wife.
"You call this the nerd prom. That's because for so many of you
this is the first time you have a date. I haven't seen this many
virgins since I visited the Vatican.
"I kid.
"Bob Woodward is here. It is great to finally meet a man who
inspired so many losers to become journalists. He's finally
starting to look like Robert Redford who played him in the movies.
Redford didn't age well.
"Carl Bernstein made it here tonight too. Busy season for him. A
Republican is president so Bernstein has to go on CNN a lot to
deliver his line, 'Worse than Watergate.' What a career. No one
made more off three little words since Ted said, 'I'm a Kennedy.'
"I kid.
"Note to April Ryan. Sarah Sanders finally made you that pecan pie
you wanted. Um, I wouldn't eat it if I were you. And not just
because you could stand to lose 50 pounds.
"I kid.
"Is Jim Acosta here? He's living proof that immigrants do a better
job than we natives. You were born in Washington, weren't you?
"I kid.
"Is Major Garrett here? What a man. What a correspondent. What a
name. I cannot understand why after all these years he hasn't been
promoted. He should be a colonel by now.
"Someone wake up Chuck Todd. Oh wait, those are just his sleepy
eyes. Hey, don't be upset because the president called you Sleepy.
At least he didn't call you Dopey. He reserves that title for the
people at MSNBC. Oh, I forgot. You work there too.
"I kid.
"Sean Hannity couldn't make it tonight. He's too busy eating Jimmy
Kimmel's lunch. Hannity is starting to look a little chunky, too.
"I see Jeff Zucker's sock puppet is here tonight. Hey, Jake
Tapper, how about standing up and taking a bow? What? Too hard to
do with Zucker's hand up you? How long can his arm be? He's a foot
shorter than you.
"I kid.
"Ah Jeff Zucker. Under his leadership a boring news channel that
was in last place has become a boring Fake News channel that is in
last place. Impeachment is just around the corner. Honest. This
time Wile E. Coyote finally catches the Road Runner.
"I kid.
"Andrea Mitchell is here with her husband, Alan Greenspan. I love
those November-December marriages. Till death do they part. She
never thought it would take this long.
"I kid.
"Is Joy Reid here? Or is she too busy boycotting Doctor Seuss
because he is a racist? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.
How come there is no Black Fish? And how come there is no Three
Fish? Sounds Cis Binary to me.
"I see Jeff Bezos is here. It's the light shining off his head. I
get that democracy dies in darkness, but could he put a hat on one
night a year? People are trying to eat.
"I kid.
"Is Katy Tur of MSNBC here? She is one of the bravest women in
journalism. She actually slept with Keith Olbermann and admitted
it.
"I see Carrot Top is here. Excuse, that's Kathy Griffin. I should
have known better. They may look the same, but he's the one with
the talent.
"And a career.
"I kid.
"Is Wolf Blitzer here? Everyone thinks he is dumb because he lost
on Jeopardy, baby. But he is so proud of himself. Last week he
completed that puzzle he was working on in a month's time. The box
said two to four years.
"Right now, Chris Cuomo is going, 'I don't get that joke.' That's
because he's still working on the puzzle. Spoiler alert, the block
shaped like a triangle goes in the three-sided hole.
"I kid.
"What a banner year for journalism. NBC canned Matt Lauer because
of sexual harassment. CBS canned Charlie Rose because of sexual
harassment. Fox News canned Bill O'Reilly because of sexual
harassment. Who's next? Kent Brockman?
"PBS canned Garrison Keillor for the same reason. The tip off was
when he changed the name from Lake Woebegon to Lake
Wanna-see-me-naked. Nobody wants to see any man over 60 naked.
Right, Andrea?
"I kid.
"Well, you've been a lovely audience. Now if you would kindly put
down the pitchforks and torches, I'll make my way out of here."
--
Michael Press
President Trump skipped partying with the wallflowers because he
cannot take a joke. He's in Mar-a-Lago tonight sulking. And by
sulking, I mean having the time of his life with his gorgeous
model wife.
"You call this the nerd prom. That's because for so many of you
this is the first time you have a date. I haven't seen this many
virgins since I visited the Vatican.
"I kid.
"Bob Woodward is here. It is great to finally meet a man who
inspired so many losers to become journalists. He's finally
starting to look like Robert Redford who played him in the movies.
Redford didn't age well.
"Carl Bernstein made it here tonight too. Busy season for him. A
Republican is president so Bernstein has to go on CNN a lot to
deliver his line, 'Worse than Watergate.' What a career. No one
made more off three little words since Ted said, 'I'm a Kennedy.'
"I kid.
"Note to April Ryan. Sarah Sanders finally made you that pecan pie
you wanted. Um, I wouldn't eat it if I were you. And not just
because you could stand to lose 50 pounds.
"I kid.
"Is Jim Acosta here? He's living proof that immigrants do a better
job than we natives. You were born in Washington, weren't you?
"I kid.
"Is Major Garrett here? What a man. What a correspondent. What a
name. I cannot understand why after all these years he hasn't been
promoted. He should be a colonel by now.
"Someone wake up Chuck Todd. Oh wait, those are just his sleepy
eyes. Hey, don't be upset because the president called you Sleepy.
At least he didn't call you Dopey. He reserves that title for the
people at MSNBC. Oh, I forgot. You work there too.
"I kid.
"Sean Hannity couldn't make it tonight. He's too busy eating Jimmy
Kimmel's lunch. Hannity is starting to look a little chunky, too.
"I see Jeff Zucker's sock puppet is here tonight. Hey, Jake
Tapper, how about standing up and taking a bow? What? Too hard to
do with Zucker's hand up you? How long can his arm be? He's a foot
shorter than you.
"I kid.
"Ah Jeff Zucker. Under his leadership a boring news channel that
was in last place has become a boring Fake News channel that is in
last place. Impeachment is just around the corner. Honest. This
time Wile E. Coyote finally catches the Road Runner.
"I kid.
"Andrea Mitchell is here with her husband, Alan Greenspan. I love
those November-December marriages. Till death do they part. She
never thought it would take this long.
"I kid.
"Is Joy Reid here? Or is she too busy boycotting Doctor Seuss
because he is a racist? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.
How come there is no Black Fish? And how come there is no Three
Fish? Sounds Cis Binary to me.
"I see Jeff Bezos is here. It's the light shining off his head. I
get that democracy dies in darkness, but could he put a hat on one
night a year? People are trying to eat.
"I kid.
"Is Katy Tur of MSNBC here? She is one of the bravest women in
journalism. She actually slept with Keith Olbermann and admitted
it.
"I see Carrot Top is here. Excuse, that's Kathy Griffin. I should
have known better. They may look the same, but he's the one with
the talent.
"And a career.
"I kid.
"Is Wolf Blitzer here? Everyone thinks he is dumb because he lost
on Jeopardy, baby. But he is so proud of himself. Last week he
completed that puzzle he was working on in a month's time. The box
said two to four years.
"Right now, Chris Cuomo is going, 'I don't get that joke.' That's
because he's still working on the puzzle. Spoiler alert, the block
shaped like a triangle goes in the three-sided hole.
"I kid.
"What a banner year for journalism. NBC canned Matt Lauer because
of sexual harassment. CBS canned Charlie Rose because of sexual
harassment. Fox News canned Bill O'Reilly because of sexual
harassment. Who's next? Kent Brockman?
"PBS canned Garrison Keillor for the same reason. The tip off was
when he changed the name from Lake Woebegon to Lake
Wanna-see-me-naked. Nobody wants to see any man over 60 naked.
Right, Andrea?
"I kid.
"Well, you've been a lovely audience. Now if you would kindly put
down the pitchforks and torches, I'll make my way out of here."
--
Michael Press
xyzzy
Apr 30, 2018, 1:24:52 PM4/30/18
to
On Sunday, April 29, 2018 at 7:20:02 PM UTC-4, Michael Press wrote:
>
> "Note to April Ryan. Sarah Sanders finally made you that pecan pie
> you wanted. Um, I wouldn't eat it if I were you. And not just
> because you could stand to lose 50 pounds.
Well that should put to rest any wingnut whining that some speaker at the same event attacked Sarah Sanders for her appearance.
>
> "Note to April Ryan. Sarah Sanders finally made you that pecan pie
> you wanted. Um, I wouldn't eat it if I were you. And not just
> because you could stand to lose 50 pounds.
Michael Press
Apr 30, 2018, 3:33:51 PM4/30/18
to
In article <1f0f3760-d2ca-4421...@googlegroups.com>,
Michael Press
"Is Wolf Blitzer here? Everyone thinks he is dumb because he lost
on Jeopardy, baby. But he is so proud of himself. Last week he
completed that puzzle he was working on in a month's time. The box
said two to four years.
"Right now, Chris Cuomo is going, 'I don't get that joke.' That's
because he's still working on the puzzle. Spoiler alert, the block
shaped like a triangle goes in the three-sided hole.
--
on Jeopardy, baby. But he is so proud of himself. Last week he
completed that puzzle he was working on in a month's time. The box
said two to four years.
"Right now, Chris Cuomo is going, 'I don't get that joke.' That's
because he's still working on the puzzle. Spoiler alert, the block
shaped like a triangle goes in the three-sided hole.
Michael Press
J. Hugh Sullivan
Apr 30, 2018, 4:50:25 PM4/30/18
to
On Mon, 30 Apr 2018 10:24:49 -0700 (PDT), xyzzy <xyzzy...@gmail.com>
wrote:
I thought he was pretty funny. It's sad when people have so little
self-confidence that they can't laugh at themselves.
Hugh
wrote:
self-confidence that they can't laugh at themselves.
Hugh
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