If only....
Jim Weeks
JPW
=====================================================
- Michael Elkon - SEC Columnist -
Did you ever have one of those dreams where you are given special powers,
like being able to fly or be invisible? Or the one where you're in a bathtub
full of Jell-O and the door opens and...wait; y'all aren't invited into this
one. Anyway, I had one the other night where I was the Emperor of the SEC.
See, the details are a little fuzzy, but as best I can make out, my friends
made me the Commissioner of the SEC. (I have no idea where they came up with
this power, but who says dreams have to make sense?) I responded by slowly
consolidating all power in my office until nothing could happen in the
league without my approval. I don't think I had my enemies liquidated for
their insolence (sorry, Dr. Evil), but I could do pretty much anything short
of that.
This idea intrigued me when I arose from my slumber, drooling and still
muttering about being overworked and under-appreciated by the clods in the
home office. Now, through the magic of the Pigskin Post, you will be able to
share in my vision of a more perfect SEC. As Bob Dylan once warbled, "I'll
let you be in my dream if I can be in yours."
1. To hell with Dr. Pepper! Waffle House will sponsor the SEC title game.
Fans will be encouraged to throw grits (or cheese'n'eggs if available) at
their team when they clinch their berth in the title game. (We need a new
tradition after the throwing sugar thing was destroyed by the BCS.) The
winning coach, after having a cooler full of sweet tea dumped on his head,
will replace his cap (or visor) with a WH chef's hat and will receive the
SEC trophy from a toothless waitress.
2. SEC teams will be compelled to wear dark jerseys at home to eliminate
confusion when fans turn on the TV set. LSU fans might be annoyed, but they
really ought to consider what their home record has been since DiNardo
restarted this silly tradition. To compensate them for their "loss," LSU
will never be compelled to play a home game before nightfall ever again.
3. SEC bands will no longer be allowed to play the "Imperial March" when
their defense takes the field because no player or fan should have to be
inspired by the theme song for the army that lost to the Ewoks.
4. Arkansas will be forced to play the Tennessee Titans every August until
they schedule someone other than the Nicaraguan Prep School All-stars. (In
case you were unaware, the Hogs haven't played a team coming off of a bowl
game season in about a decade. Boise State, on this year's slate, doesn't
count because the Humanitarian Bowl is played on a blue field and watched by
about 38 friends and relatives.)
5. Games will never start before 2 p.m. because it violates the Geneva
Convention that hung-over college students have to start their tailgating at
9 a.m.. No one should have to know what bourbon tastes like at that hour.
6. Yes, Rocky Top is a nice song and well all know how much it means to Vol
fans, but the UT band will be able to play the song once every two series.
It's called running a good thing into the ground; please stop it.
7. Now that the technology exists (sort of), Keith Jackson will be cloned.
The replicate will come out once a year to call the Alabama-Auburn game.
This will ensure that future generations will not be deprived of the
absolutely quintessential college football experience.
8. To satisfy football-crazed SEC fans during the summer, the following
events will take place and broadcast live on (Cable channel in parentheses):
a- Minor league football games with teams made up of former players from the
12 SEC schools not currently in the NFL.(espn2)
b- The Tailgate 500 from Talladega, which will be a race of the fastest RV
in the league to determine which school really does have the best
tailgaters. (No, there won't be a regatta because the Volunteer Navy would
be unopposed.) (TNN)
c- Regular town hall debates across the South where coaches and boosters
argue whose schools suck more. Specific topics to be resolved will include
"Bo versus Herschel: Who was the better man?", "Did the Bear really have to
lean against the goalposts before games because he was sauced?", "Will Vandy
will win the SEC in the next millennium?", and "Clint Stoerner and Bill
Buckner: similarities and differences".(C-Span)
d- A knockout tournament between the mascots of the schools. I mean the
actual animals; none of the fluffy teddy bears that prance around on the
sidelines. I'm eager to see what an alligator can do to a tiger and vice
versa. Commodores, Rebels, and Volunteers are included; they all get
single-shot muskets to make things fair. Naturally, the Crocodile Hunter
will referee the tournament. (Discovery Channel)
9. Kentucky will be forced to put the name "Godzilla" on the back of Jared
Lorenzen's jersey because it seems like the right thing to do for a 6'7, 270
pound quarterback. (For god sakes, he's bigger than almost all of their
defensive players.)
10. An exchange program will be implemented so hardcore SEC fanatics can
travel to Europe and share secrets with European soccer fanatics and vice
versa. The net result of this program is to create the hardest class of fans
ever.
11. Mississippi State fans get to bring their cowbells into games again
because there should be no limit to the noise that fans can make. Plus, they
have to be able to make up for the fact that they play their home games in
front of about as many people as Valdosta (GA) High School.
12. By blackmailing the Commissioner of the ACC with well-doctored photos,
we make up for a grand oversight and trade South Carolina for Clemson. No
team with a Death Valley should be forced to host Duke and Wake every two
years. Gamecock fans, although non-plussed initially, greet the move with
joy when they go from 0-11 to 7-4 in one year and get another chance to add
to that one bowl victory.
13. This suggestion would be unlucky, so I'll just stop here.
--
Jim Weeks
Jefferson Glapski
news:_o345.62478$5k2.1...@dfw-read.news.verio.net...
> 1. To hell with Dr. Pepper! Waffle House will sponsor the SEC title
game.
> Fans will be encouraged to throw grits (or cheese'n'eggs if available)
at
> their team when they clinch their berth in the title game. (We need a
new
> tradition after the throwing sugar thing was destroyed by the BCS.)
The
> winning coach, after having a cooler full of sweet tea dumped on his
head,
> will replace his cap (or visor) with a WH chef's hat and will receive
the
> SEC trophy from a toothless waitress.
Dr. Pepper should be a SWC sponsor.
> 2. SEC teams will be compelled to wear dark jerseys at home to
eliminate
> confusion when fans turn on the TV set. LSU fans might be annoyed, but
they
> really ought to consider what their home record has been since DiNardo
> restarted this silly tradition. To compensate them for their "loss,"
LSU
> will never be compelled to play a home game before nightfall ever
again.
What will UT do?
> 6. Yes, Rocky Top is a nice song and well all know how much it means
to Vol
> fans, but the UT band will be able to play the song once every two
series.
> It's called running a good thing into the ground; please stop it.
Good fight songs are good because they are annoying.
> 7. Now that the technology exists (sort of), Keith Jackson will be
cloned.
> The replicate will come out once a year to call the Alabama-Auburn
game.
> This will ensure that future generations will not be deprived of the
> absolutely quintessential college football experience.
Absolutely. It's sad that he no longer broadcasts football anymore,
except for the Rose Bowl and when Pac10 teams play OOC.
> d- A knockout tournament between the mascots of the schools. I mean
the
> actual animals; none of the fluffy teddy bears that prance around on
the
> sidelines. I'm eager to see what an alligator can do to a tiger and
vice
> versa. Commodores, Rebels, and Volunteers are included; they all get
> single-shot muskets to make things fair. Naturally, the Crocodile
Hunter
> will referee the tournament. (Discovery Channel)
The Big Ten should do this too. First round battle: Purdue Jay Leno
against Sparty Jay Leno. Makes Letterman vs. Leno look like child's
play.
> 10. An exchange program will be implemented so hardcore SEC fanatics
can
> travel to Europe and share secrets with European soccer fanatics and
vice
> versa. The net result of this program is to create the hardest class
of fans
> ever.
SEC fans becoming bigger pussies? Why is this a good thing?
--
Your pla,
Jefferson N. Glapski
sa...@home.com wrote "Jeffy.Is.Fuckingmental"
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Mike Dahmus
infinite number of monkeys to write:
>3. SEC bands will no longer be allowed to play the "Imperial March" when
>their defense takes the field because no player or fan should have to be
>inspired by the theme song for the army that lost to the Ewoks.
This kicks arse.
Mike Dahmus mdahmus at I O DOT COM
http://www.dahmus.org/mike/
"No one likes a pedantic smartarse..."
Scott Harper
>Forwarded from a friend back in H'ville...
>
>JPW
>=====================================================
>
>- Michael Elkon - SEC Columnist -
I thought this was gonna be about football till I got to this part.
harp
austin,tx
Andre Ervin
> 5. Games will never start before 2 p.m. because it violates the Geneva
> Convention that hung-over college students have to start their tailgating
> at
> 9 a.m.. No one should have to know what bourbon tastes like at that hour.
Pussies.
--
dre
(Breakfast Club: the ONLY way to get hung over before an 11 a.m. kickoff)
Frank Wright
: 12. By blackmailing the Commissioner of the ACC with well-doctored photos,
This is impossible. Everyone knows Heelz have no shame.
: we make up for a grand oversight and trade South Carolina for Clemson. No
: team with a Death Valley should be forced to host Duke and Wake every two
: years. Gamecock fans, although non-plussed initially, greet the move with
: joy when they go from 0-11 to 7-4 in one year and get another chance to add
: to that one bowl victory.
You can have Clemson, and we'll throw in Georgia Tech if you keep South
Carolina.
Ramar Wright