Jared for Callahan
Logan
Player 1: Hey, do you guys know a guy named Jared Inselmann.
Player 2: Hell yeah, I know Jared! He's a big fella, goes about 6'2",
170.
Player 1: Best damned player on the East Coast!
Player 3: Did you guys hear about the time Jared took his team to San
Diego? I hear they were short a plane ticket so Jared carried his
co-captain Alan in his ass as a suppository for six hours.
Player 2: Alan said it was the roomiest, most comfortable flight he
had ever been on.
Player 1: Ben Wiggins has a summer home in Jared?s groin!
Player 4: Hey are you guys talking about Jared Inselmann?
Together: Yeah!
Player 4: I know that guy, he?s about 6'6", 260.
Player 2: Jared fathered the entire CMU team, and he is disappointed
with all of them.
Player 4: I heard that before he started playing ultimate he used to
drive an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Player 3: I once saw Jared eat a whole live chicken!
Player 1: His blood type is thousand island salad dressing!
Player 2: Did I ever tell you about the time that Jared punched one of
his own teammates in the balls? Well, he videotaped it himself, and
last I heard it did quite well at Sundance.
Player 3: It barely lost to Smoke Signals!
Player 4: Jared was the one that named the Berkeley team Ugmo? they
did not want to be called that
Player 1: I read that Jared just keeps getting bigger; last I heard he
was up to 7'11", 375.
Player 3: Jared wrote and directed the entire I Bleed Black
documentary? and then he sold the rights for scotch!
Player 1: His mark is so tight he once impregnated an opponent while
playing coed.
Player 2: I heard about that, she gave birth 9 months later to a
delicious 18-ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms!
Player 4: His favorite movie is Maria Carey?s Glitter!
Player 3: He framed Roger Rabbit
Player 1: I hear that if you listen to him closely while he sleeps you
can hear him snoring Beethoven?s fifth!
Player 5: You guys are talking about Jared Inselmann, right? From
Upenn? I hear that guy once used his own thigh as an anvil.
Player 2: It was the sight of Jared?s caved in chest that drove Brian
Wilson insane
Player 5: I heard that he once breast-fed TRG for three weeks.
Player 3: Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to
him as ?Bear Bryant?!!
Player 5: How big is that son of a bitch, cause I hear he goes about
9'2", 480.
Player 1: The truth is that Jared Inselmann is a 10-foot tall beast
man who showers in vodka and feeds his vegan girlfriend shrimp scampi
in her sleep.
Player 4: He?s a two ton bastard who eats drywall and can take a
shotgun blast standing!
Together: To Jared!
Logan
UPenn Void
Charles Kerr
TRG
>
> Player 5: I heard that he once breast-fed TRG for three weeks.
>
Hey now. There's no need to spread nasty rumors like this around rsd.
Some of us are actually upstanding members of the community with
reputations to protect. Now go tell Jared that I think he'd make a
great callahan if he could only get that lactation problem fixed.
-t
DaveR
> delicious 18-ounce steak. The afterbirth was sautéed mushrooms!
I had just taken a gulp of pepsi when my eyes happened upon the above
statement...now that pepsi is all over my keyboard and I still can't
stop laughing. Well done (no pun intended).
Dave
Wheaton Ultimate
Pablo
Joe Densin
Pablo
was that just a joke too?
Nevin
may not find that adequate. they are just ignorant. If you've seen UPenn
play, you'll know Jared. And if you haven't, you probably will see Jared
play as he leads the team towards nationals.
Nevin
Upenn Void
"Pablo" <jhov...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:85959e0b.03042...@posting.google.com...
All-Knowing Metro East Sage
darkness fell across the fields, on the night before the final battle
of an age-old war, a wise General sat in his bed unable to sleep.
Knowing it would probably be his last night, he wrote a poem during
those long hours, and as the sun rose behind a dark veil of clouds on
the final day of his life, he passed out that poem to the 12 remaining
warriors of the Good Army. That poem said...
Oh Mickey, you're so fine.
You're so fine, you blow my mind.
Oh Mickey.
With his final words perfectly encapsulated for eternity, he road off
with the crushed remnants of a once great army...into their death.
Its that kind of historical background and rich philosophical
understanding that gives me the right to evaluate the talent in the
Metro East Region. I do not go to Upenn, and I never went to
Upenn...but Jared is, indeed, the most impressive ultimate player in
the region.
Watching him play is kind of like watching the really great all-stars
on professional teams play...like Ronaldo or Pele, where the overall
emotion you have watching them play is "just give him the frickin'
ball all the time you moronic coaches!"
And, with a desperate attempt not to be cliche, he is ridiculously
nice and friendly.
The All-Knowing, All-Seing Sage of the Metro East
"Nevin" <nev...@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<b88pd2$7c5b$1...@netnews.upenn.edu>...
Alan Rotenberg
> Diego? I hear they were short a plane ticket so Jared carried his
> co-captain Alan in his ass as a suppository for six hours.
>
> Player 2: Alan said it was the roomiest, most comfortable flight he
> had ever been on.
It was... I can't wait to get on the plane to Texas :-).
Jared Inselmann... #11 Upenn Void !!!
Jared's one of the most complete players out there. He can play any
position, and very well.
I've been lucky to see him match against some of the best players out there
during the last
four years... and he is pretty much uncoverable one on one. I can't
remember the last time
I looked him off... throwing the disc to jared is ALWAYS a good decision.
Defensively, you won't find anybody out there who is in as good shape, with
as much ups, etc.
Who can lay-out huuuge and neutralize the opponent team's biggest threat on
command.
But all of those characteristics that everyone's talking about is just part
of what makes him
everyone's choice for Callahan this year. When Jared plays on your team,
everyone on the team
plays better. His power to motivate his teammates and to know what to say
to the team in the
huddle in any situation and to control the team psychologically is
unparalled in College Ultimate
these days.
Finally, he embodies the Spirit of the Game, by playing hard... but never at
the expense of
playing by the rules and respecting his opponents.
So, as I go down the checklist for what defines the Callahan Award, this is
a no-brainer.
Jared for Callahan is the obvious choice.
Go VOID Ultimate. This year we take the Region!
-Alan Rotenberg
#81 UPENN VOID Co-Captain.
PS: great post, Logan.