In "Slipped Discs", Joel listed as worst of all time
yougotl...@yahoo.com
Jimmy Guterman & Owen O'Donnell
A Fan's Guide to the Music You Love to Hate
"In the beginning rock 'n' roll was simple & direct. Songs
conveyed their point seriously and in under 3 minutes. In the sixties
it began to take itself seriously; angry young men with faces as long
as their guitar solos pontificated on life, the universe and
everything. The rock icon was born.
This book topples the statues, revealing that all the gold from Dylan,
Presley, Costello et al. does not necessarily glitter. With incisive
criticisms of the fifty worst albums and fifty worst singles, and
special sections including the worst Dylan cover versions, the worst
Elvis tributes and the worst rock 'n' rollers of all time. Slipped
Discs... The Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time is the most
witty, caustic and honest rock guide ever written".
1991, Virgin Publishing. All text is quoted from the book.
The Fifty Worst Rock-And-Roll Singles of All Time
1. Berry, Chuck - My Ding a Ling
...strings together double-entendre penis jokes that can be enjoyed
only by the very young or the very drunk.
2. Think - Once You Understand
The first sound comes from a middle-aged father character. "I'll be
expecting you to get a haircut by Friday". "Forget it Dad," comes
the self-righteous teenage retort. "It won't change anything".
3. Charlene - I've Never Been to Me
...this Muzak-ready ballad is extremely cynical in its pandering to an
unglamorous audience
4. Charlene & Stevie Wonder - Used to Be
You know you're in trouble when a song starts with the disembowelled
logic of " Superman was killed in Dallas/There's no love left in
the palace/Someone took the Beatles' lead guitar".
5. Peter, Paul & Mary - I Dig Rock and Roll Music
This record is about a trio who can sense that they're on the way out
refusing to acknowledge that the rules of the pop game have changed.
6. Zager & Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)
...as silly and vapid as outtakes from Abbott & Costello Go to Mars
7. Ronstadt, Linda - Back in the USA
The most believable explanation we can come up with is that part of
Linda Ronstadt's brain, the part that has to do with discriminating
between good and bad musical ideas, atrophied when she was a child.
8. Cher - You Better Sit Down Kids
...the song vacillates between a metronomic piano base and an upbeat,
horn-driven go-go section.
9. McLean, Don - American Pie
Once you start listening to the words, you're left wondering: "What
is this guy talking about?"
10. Harris, Richard - MacArthur Park
If the best comparison he can make to her leaving is a cake melting in
the rain, then is it any wonder she didn't stick around?
11. Gibb, Andy & Victoria Principal - All I Have to Do is Dream
Love make us do stupid things. ...When you're a celebrity, the
possibilities for acting stupid in these ways increase exponentially.
12. Chapin, Harry - Taxi
The most important requirement of Chapin's genre... was to present
the song in a highly strained and overworked manner that seemingly goes
on forever.
13. Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
...we can't help but feel that one of these songs was probably a
favourite of every character in every John Hughes
upper-middle-class-suburban-teendom-is-existential-terror film.
14. Gold, Andrew - Lonely Boy
It's boring mid-seventies Asylum music that thinks its rocking out
because the drums are mixed a little louder.
15. Reddy, Helen - I Am Woman
... the song fails both as rabble-rouser and performance. And the bad
guys win again.
16. Knack - Good Girls Don't
They appeared out of nowhere, pretended to be the Beatles, treated
their audience like shit, begged for forgiveness, didn't get it, and
disappeared.
17. Knack - Baby Talks Dirty
... a retread of the already derivative beat and chord changes of "My
Sharona". By then, though, the joke had worn thin... The only people
talking dirty to the Knack now, were their former fans.
18. Stills, Stephen - Love the One You're With
... exemplifies the smug stupidity that defines West Coast rock in
general and the Crosby, Stills & Nash axis of it in particular. Here,
in a nutshell, is the clearest reason to despise all that tripe.
19. Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII, I Am
It trivialised Beatles rock into the sort of cavalier music-hall
nonsense it was supposed to displace. Isn't the singer worried about
what happened to Henry's I, II, III, IV, V, VI & VII? Of course not,
he's a music-hall twit who doesn't have a brain. La la la.
20. Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue
They didn't care; why should we?
21. Carmen, Eric - All by Myself
... may have been a hit record, but it was certainly not rock 'n'
roll.
22. Lewis, Huey & the News - Hip to be Square
... a pox on rock & roll in the late eighties. Lyrically... this was a
perfect anthem of rationalisation for uneasy sell-outs. I'm so
square, la la la, where's the cash?
23. Manfred Mann's Earthband - Blinded by the Light
... ranks at the top of nearly every Bruce fan's list of worst cover
versions...
24. McFerrin, Bobby - Don't Worry Be Happy
It is embarrassing to watch a once-defiantly-non-mainstream performer
try to accommodate himself to the demands of the mass audience; it is
especially pathetic when that performer does so by appealing to the
lowest common denominator.
25. Ian, Janis - At Seventeen
... represents the feel my pain school of songwriting.
26. O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally)
Over a subclassical arrangement, that suggest the Who's Tommy while
he was deaf, dumb & blind, O'Sullivan considers suicide.
27. Hollies - Stop in the Name of Love
The antiseptic production makes you wonder if any two instruments or
voices were in the same studio (forget at the same time). Most
embarrassing is Tony Hick's inappropriate screeching guitar solo,
which sounds like it was left over from another song and accidentally
dropped into the mix by one of the plethora of producers.
28. Stevens, Cat - Moon Shadow
Why is... [the moon shadow] following Cat? Is it trying to cut off his
arm? And if so, could the moon shadow make sure it's the one Cat uses
to write down his lyrics?
29. Art of Noise featuring Tom Jones - Kiss
Jones has received many accolades from many performers who should know
better (from Elvis Presley to Van Morrison), but his unctuous baritone
is completely inappropriate for the falsetto lust of Kiss, one of
Prince's greatest singles.
30. Tyler, Bonnie - Faster Than the Speed of Night
Some one-hit-wonders will do anything for another shot.
31. Clapton, Eric - Wonderful Tonight
... what about last night, Eric? Did she look like dirt? We're
certainly not going to ask about tomorrow morning.
32. Melanie - Ruby Tuesday
Throughout the overwrought performance, Melanie inserts extra syllables
and vocal flourishes in a desperate attempt to stamp her own imprint on
the song.
33. Melanie - Brand New Key
"I've got a brand-new pair of roller skates/You've got a
brand-new key".
34. Richie, Lionel - Dancing on the Ceiling
... the first single from Richie's 1986 album of that title, stands
as his most abysmal up-tempo performance (his ballads, like 'Truly'
and 'Hello' are too frightening to consider in this context).
35. Stewart, Rod - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Stewart's most cynical move to curry fleeting musical favour... as
annoying as a loudmouth barroom drunk on the stool next to you.
36. Smith, Hurricane - Oh Babe, What Would You Say?
The was Smith's voice breaks as he tries to reach the high notes in
the song's title line is perversely sublime. We can only dream -
with something resembling the thrill of jumping off a cliff - what
could have been if Smith had teamed up with the Shaggs.
37. Coolidge, Rita - Higher & Higher
Rather than try to capture some of the energetic happiness of the
original, Coolidge opted for a blessed-out soporific.
38. Stewart, Amii - Knock on Wood
As a disco song 'Knock on Wood' wasn't particularly awful, but as
a senseless recasting of a pivotal rhythm & blues classic, was
unlistenable. ... she exemplifies the damage disco did to some
essential music.
39. Simon & Garfunkel - the Dangling Conversation
The whole point of 'the Dangling Conversation' is for Simon to
sound smart and poetic, so he drops names and hopes he accumulates some
of the power of those whose names he uses for rhymes.
40. Jacksons - State of Shock
... so slight it hardly exists.
41. Jagger, Mick & David Bowie - Dancing in the Street
... we question why these major rock figures bothered to turn the
microphones on if they didn't have anything to say. ...why is Bowie
yelling 'South America!"?
42. Benatar, Pat - Sex as a Weapon
Don't believe the hype; nobody else did. If you're making a
sincerity move, you had better be believable.
43. Wham! - Freedom
Freedom is the transition between Michael's unaffected trash and the
affected kind.
44. George Michael - Freedom '90
The former Elton John wanna-be with no dance-floor credibility is now a
frankly self-involved auteur with multilayered stubble.
45. Adams, Bryan - Summer of '69
For the record, Adams was ten years old in 1969; it took him a while to
admit that the song wasn't autobiographical. You've heard it all
before, done better.
46. Frey, Glenn - the Heat is On
Last we heard of him was he was doing commercials for soft drinks and
health clubs and waiting for a phone call from [Don] Henley. Even he
didn't take himself seriously anymore.
47. Seger, Bob - the Horizontal Bop
It's a huffy song about sex, one without any danger: high-school boys
could sing it as an act of woman-fearing male bonding, while
high-school girls could sing it as a goofy song about 'doing it'
without any dirty words. It's as provocative as shaving cream. years
before the age of safe sex, it's a safe song about sex.
48. Everly Brothers - Ebony Eyes
... represents how far the boys could fall.
49. Will to Power - Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley
The version was incompetent, and under normal circumstances we would
have quickly forgotten the novelty cover. But then the real horror set
in. After the first verse, Will to Power segued into Lynyrd Skynyrd's
Freebird.
50. John Cougar - Jack and Diane
'Jack and Diane' is an extremely little ditty about two teenagers
having sex, but leave it to Cougar to try to build that into a grand
pronouncement on, you guessed it, America.
The Fifty Worst Rock-And-Roll Albums of All Time
1. Presley, Elvis - Having Fun with Elvis on Stage
This 1974 monstrosity was subtitled "A Talking Album Only", but it
was packaged like a standard live album. There was only one minor
problem: this live album had no songs on it, just the rote between-song
patter, repetitious nonjokes, and flat-out stupid scarf disbursements
that were epidemic at the King's arena shows in the seventies.
2. Reed, Lou - Metal Machine Music
Capturing a sequence of squawks, screeches, and squeals, Reed uses no
instruments, just electronic effects. The same drone vacillates for as
long as it takes you to take the disc off the turntable.
3. Dylan, Bob - Self Portrait
... exactly what you don't deserve to confront on a Dylan record:
lush string arrangements, a lazy angelic choir, dumb lyrics repeated
until you want to drag 'all the tired horses' out of the sun and
into the glue factory.
4. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - American Dream
Young has since noted that the only reason he agreed to take part in
this record was that he promised Crosby a CSNY reunion if the selfish,
appetite-driven freebaser cleaned up, but that doesn't excuse the
quality of his own compositions... Young's contributions to American
Dream were its biggest embarrassments...
5. Boone, Pat - Pat Boone (1957)
His self-titled debut album (well, maybe he didn't title it himself)
contains covers of contemporary R&B hits bleached a paler shade of
white.
6. Milli Vanilli - the Remix Album
"Musically, we are more talented than any Bob Dylan. Musically, we
are more talented than Paul McCartney". Half the record is remixes
,with the expected random echo, scratches, and synthesizer slashes that
are supposed to indicate remixing. The other half is made up of early
tracks left off Girl, You Know It's True (American Debut Album).
Imagine, if you can, the existence of songs not good enough to make it
onto a Milli Vanilli record.
7. Chicago - at Carnegie Hall
The music on this three-hour blast of bombast lives down to
expectations. The packaging, which apes a high-class opera packaged, is
wishful thinking.
8. Doors - Alive, She Cried
... another in the seemingly endless parade of Doors product that
Elektra continues to release to capitalise on Morrison's refusal to
die as a commercial prospect. The album consists of nonstudio
recordings made from 1968 to 1970 and focuses on the cheap theatrics
and ho-hum sex fantasies that people are actually talking about when
they describe Morrison as 'dynamic'.
9. Grateful Dead - Europe '72
Europe '72 captures the Grateful Dead precisely at the moment they
turned into a parody of themselves. The back cover... depicted a
cartoon cretin pushing an ice-cream against his rainbow-coloured hair.
It was a perfect descriptive image for this set: messy, unnecessary,
and, well, dopey-looking.
10. Yes - Tales from Topographic Oceans
Tales from Topographic Oceans is a seventh-hand distillation of world
thought, according to five of the most diffuse personalities (hence,
when brought together, the most muddled thinkers) ever to try to
coexist in a rock group. Keyboardist Rick Wakeman and drummer Alan
White were the only genuine rockers of the bunch although, Wakeman's
idea of inventiveness was often to try to coax fart noises out of his
Hammond B-3 organ and White often seemed so bewildered by the band's
elaborate nonarrangements that he neglected to keep a beat.
11. Jethro Tull - Aqualung
Look at the back cover of Aqualung and you'll see a nine-verse
pseudosacred text, penned in Gothic script by Anderson, starting with,
"In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he
him". Aside from the syntactic and theological nightmares implicit in
these words, it's baffling why Anderson thought the text would be a
good way to lure record buyers.
12. Byrds - Byrds (1973)
Many listeners of Byrds did not get past the first track, 'Full
Circle', which limps out of the gate like a one-legged chestnut mare.
The sound is listless, midtempo country rock, suggesting Poco in a
stupor. The only thing the Byrds lost on this record was their
credibility; the only thing they found was the end of their record
deal.
13. Queen - Queen II
What does the 'White Queen' stand for? Why do the band members want
to go to 'The Seven Seas of Rhye'? Why do all four and members part
their hair in the middle? None of these questions are answered.
14. Queen - Live Killers
... the quartet ruins its few passable rock riffs (like 'Now I'm
Here') with harmonic nonsense. It then collapses into an a cappella
sing-along full of hoarse, off-key singing and Mercury joking, "Aah,
the things you have to do for money".
15. Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, Howe - (same title)
The question asked at the time was whether the Chris Squire-led band
that held the legal right to the name Yes could possibly put out a
worse record than this Yes (Not Yes).
16. Shaggs - Philosophy of the World
Groups like the Shaggs are the perfect justification for a book like
this; the group is fundamentally awful, yet you can't help loving
them.
17. Shaggs - Shaggs' Own Thing
... the Shaggs turned their talents to cover versions, most notably Tom
T. Hall's nursery-school ditty 'I Love'. An atonal Dorothy
recites Hall's list of lovable items (among them puppies, onions, and
bourbon) with tremendous concentration, as if she's having trouble
reading the lyrics and holding chords at the same time. It's a kitsch
masterpiece.
18. Travolta, John - Travolta Fever
Why are we wasting our time with the music on Travolta's Fever?
That's not what was important to the performer, the producer, or the
audience. What matters is that this record comes with a large poster of
the idol, suitable for framing. We wonder how many young girls bought
the package, threw away the records, and pulled out their thumbtacks.
19. Moody Blues - Days of Future Passed
Never before had any band displayed such a pompous approach to the
seemingly straightforward act of putting together a record.
20. Various Artists - 70's Hits: Great Records of the Decade -
Original Recordings Vol 1
... stands as a primer of the worst hits from that ten-year period.
21. Dylan, Bob - Live at Budokan
Bob Dylan went to Japan and made the most preposterous live album by a
major performer in the history of rock & roll.
22. Waters, Rogers - Radio K.A.O.S.
Every few years a special kind of album emerges. An album fuelled by
colossal ineptitude and a perversely fascinating inability to
communicate even the simplest idea without wrapping it in pretension.
Radio K.A.O.S. ... was such an album.
23. Parks, Van Dyke - Song Cycle
Song Cycle's twelve overorchestrated tracks are rampant with bad
rhymes sung in a fey voice designed to make you say, "Oh gosh, what a
genius". Instead, you lost interest after the first two minutes. Just
because you've been told something is a masterpiece doesn't mean it
is.
24. Who - Who's Last
Who's Last documents the final show from what must now be considered
their last farewell tour (!). We just happen to know it was the last
show; the information wasn't in the factually vacuous packaging.
Perhaps the band members knew the record was a stinker and didn't
want any of their names on it.
25. Rolling Stones - Still Life (American Concert 1981)
Still Life is a perfectly descriptive title for a live album that is as
energetic as a plastic-fruit centrepiece.
26. Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet
Who many clichés can you squeeze into a single pop song? Probably not
as many as Jon Bon Jovi can. The callous clinker "Remember when we
lost the keys/And you lost more than that in my back seat" is Meat
Head Jovi's idea of evocative storytelling.
27. Journey - Greatest Hits
Those who insist that nothing in the Eighties rivalled the awfulness of
the Seventies haven't had the distasteful experience of listening to
the oeuvre of the San Francisco band Journey. They made Vanilla Fudge
sound sensible.
28. Beach Boys - Still Cruisin'
For those waiting for the Beach Boys to hit rock bottom, the suspense
ended with the release of this record.
29. Starship - Knee Deep in the Hoopla
The synthesizers heard throughout this album, provided by producer
Peter Wolf (not Faye Dunaway's ex), do what synthesizers are supposed
to do in the hands of minor talents: they mask the fat that there's
no song in the immediate vicinity.
30. Willis, Bruce - the Return of Bruno
A host of backup singers and arrangements busier than Willis's
accountants barely managed to prop up these songs. One could say they
died easily.
31. Blood, Sweat and Tears - Blood, Sweat & Tears (1969)
They watered down [Al] Kooper's original concept until rock was all
but eroded and aimed its fuzzy concept of jazz and blues to a mass
audience who never listened to or cared for either.
32. Donovan - Greatest Hits
Sounding more like a be-in accidentally recorded than a bona fide song,
'Mellow Yellow' is also notable in that it marks the first
appearance by Paul McCartney on one of the worst records ever recorded.
(There would be many, many more)
33. Astley, Rick - Whenever You Need Somebody
... his vacant smile was augmented by the desire to say absolutely
nothing of importance either inside or outside a studio.
34. Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Tarkus
There's a picture of ol' Tarkus on the cover. He appears to be a
giant armadillo with the body of a tank. Tarkus represents something
(technology? nature? a rat that once bit Greg [Lake] in the ankle?),
but this symbolism is too obscure.
35. Starland Vocal Band - 4 X 4
... a quartet of laid-back studio hack singers who somehow managed to
score a hit in 1976 with a sophomoric double entendre about making love
during the day, the wretched 'Afternoon Delight'. Not recognising
their status as lucky one-hit wonders, the band turned this unfortunate
lapse of judgement by record buyers into a summer television variety
series and the chance to record ever more insipid songs showcasing
their vapid talents.
36. Grey, Joel - Black Sheep Boy
Grey's covers of Joni Mitchell and Donovan tunes have even less
substance than the originals. The record's earnestness is what makes
it truly rank.
37. REO Speedwagon - Life as We Know It
... the bland-rock group REO Speedwagon grasped at maturity and fell
down so hard all you could hear was us laughing.
38. America - History: America's Greatest Hits
You still don't believe they're dumb? Well, what if we told you the
band thought it was clever to start the title of seven consecutive
albums with the latter H? We thought that would quieten you down.
39. Starr, Ringo - Stop and Smell the Roses
At the end of the first side of his worst album, formerly interesting
ex-Beatles Ringo Starr says, "I'm going crazy with this record
business. I want to stop it. You want me to stop it".
40. Starr, Ringo - Old Wave
... a collection that rocked somewhat harder than Smell but still had
the misfortune of being built around an over-the-hill entertainer who
had lost his interest in drumming and no longer worked to charm
audiences with his off-key, rangeless singing.
41. Franklin, Aretha - La Diva
Blame disco. For every worthwhile new singer it uncovered, like Donna
Summer, it ruined the careers of one hundred soul and blues singers.
42. Phantom, Rocker & Slick - Phantom, Rocker & Slick
Mediocre talent on its own is just dull: a partnership of mediocre
talents can generate something truly awful.
43. Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - Original Soundtrack to
the Motion Picture
It was doomed from the start. Beatles fans are excused for hoping that
when the Sex Pistols toured around the time this album was made, they
came armed with guns, not guitars.
44. Costello, Elvis & the Attractions - Goodbye Cruel World
... even diehard fans like us came away from Goodbye Cruel World
wondering if it was really a suicide note for his career.
45. Bowie, David - Never Let Me Down
"Day-in, Day-out, Stay-in, Fade-out/Day-in, ooh ooh/Day-in, ooh ooh
ooh ooh".
46. Moore, Scotty - Guitar That Changed the World
You're unlikely to find a stronger bunch of rock songs, but you'll
never hear them played with any less vigour unless the Mike Curb
Congregation reunites.
47. Sheridan, Tony & the Elvis Presley TCB Band - (same title)
... proves that any Elvis project without Elvis is likely to fall
short.
48. Lowe, Nick - Pinker and Prouder than Previous
Why does nearly every rock and roller we trust let us down sooner or
later?
49. Parker, Graham & the Rumour - The Parkerilla
For Parker's part, either he is practicing being Foreigner's
opening band or he's poorly parodying such a unit. The live stuff on
The Parkerilla is bad, but the fourth side is a studio disaster.
50. U2 - Unforgettable Fire
They think they are the most important band in the world, and sometimes
they are. On The Unforgettable Fire, they don't even come close.
The Worst Rock-And-Roller of All Time
Runner-up: Paul McCartney
McCartney's solo career documents the increasing deterioration of a
talent once thought to be indomitable. McCartney's twenty-odd records
slide down a slickly produced mountain of dumb fun. He still hasn't
hit rock bottom, but with each year he gets closer. If there's one
thing that characterises McCartney's wanderings in the solo
wilderness, it's his refusal to address issues of musical or lyrical
substance unless he has no choice. In his search for trivial fun, Paul
McCartney has trivialised himself.
Runner-up: Duran Duran
Although the band became icons in America a more and more homes were
hooked up with cable, the members of Duran Duran confused their
teenybopper success with the fruits of musical achievement. They were
- you knew this was coming - artists. Some addlebrained music
critics looking for hype to please their editors compared the
Double-D's to the Beatles (both the Los Angeles Times and Rolling
Stone ran 'Fab Five' cover stories), so the group tried to live up
to the headlines. One single pulled from the vaults, 'Is There
Something I Should Know," was patently Beatlemania-derivative, and
lines like "You're about as easy as a nuclear war" indicated that
their lyrical acumen had reached the level at which their ambition
finally rivalled their incompetence. They even came up with obscure
song titles, like 'Union of the Snake', that meant less than zero
upon investigation (that Bowie influence again). Anyway, most of them
married models, no doubt for the conversation.
Winner: Billy Joel
No single performer has done more to encourage musicians without a
shred of rock credibility to think that pretending to rock out is the
same thing as rocking out than Billy Joel.
yougotl...@yahoo.com
Joel in low opinion, there was Jody Rosen's column in Slate Magazine
from 2005, who was born again, if you will, and saw the light {L.I.
poster insert - borrowing a metaphor here- I am not Christian and do
not practice Christianity}:
[open quote]
Billy Joel
Oh, the squandered genius!
By Jody Rosen
Posted Tuesday, Nov. 29, 2005
The Piano Man is angry
There was a time in my demented youth when I believed that Billy Joel
was the greatest musician in the world. I spent seventh-grade classes
scrawling the lyrics to "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" on the back
of a three-ring binder. I shelled out $30 for a bootleg copy of Joel's
debut LP Cold Spring Harbor at a used record store. I recall an
argument with a junior-high classmate in which I maintained that Joel
was a better songwriter than Bob Dylan. In a moment of acute identity
crisis, I attempted to fuse my newfound love of hip-hop culture with
Joel fandom by adopting the graffiti tag "Stiletto 121." The "121" was
for the Upper West Side street where I spent my early childhood,
"Stiletto," of course, was for Joel's boogie-woogieing 1978 song about
a femme fatale.
All this came to a head in my freshman year of high school when I
discovered Elvis Costello, who, a friend informed me, "writes songs
about why people like Billy Joel are just so bad." I didn't want to
believe it; surely, I told myself, it was possible to be a fan of
Costello and Joel, both of whom, after all, had a way with a tune.
Later that year, I went to my first Costello concert. Midway through
the show, Costello sat down at an electric piano and began playing a
series of cheesy cocktail-jazz chords. "I'd like to sing a Billy Joel
song for you now," he said dryly, as laughter rippled through the
audience. "It's called 'Just the Way You Are.' " When I returned home
that night, all the Joel albums got stuck away in the back of a closet.
It's now more than 20 years later and the new Billy Joel box set, My
Lives, sits on my desk-a four-CD-plus-bonus-DVD behemoth whose 80
tracks offer ample reminders of why I loved Joel in the first place,
and why, indeed, he's just so bad. Give Joel credit for quirkiness.
Rather than release a greatest-hits rehash, he's put out a collection
packed with B-sides, oddball cover songs, obscure album tracks, and
rarities from his pre-solo-career bands, including the preposterous
Attila, a "heavy metal power-duo" that the Piano Man led briefly in the
late '60s. Some of the alternative takes of familiar songs are even
weirder. There may never be a more spectacularly wrongheaded genre
experiment than the reggae version of "Only the Good Die Young," Joel's
1977 anthem about deflowering a Catholic schoolgirl-perhaps the
whitest reggae track ever recorded.
Joel is one of pop's special cases: The essence of his badness lies in
his squandered excellence. He is a fluent pianist, a singer of
deceptive versatility and range (listen to his vocal overdubs on the
doo-wop homage "The Longest Time"), and one of the more gifted
tunesmiths of his generation, right up there with Costello. The least
of his album tracks are catchy little melody bombs; his big
singles-"Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)," "My Life," "Uptown
Girl"-have the same savant's knack for hooks and harmonies that you
hear in Paul McCartney's best.
For some musicians, virtuosity-and upward of 78 million albums
sold-might be accomplishment enough. But Joel's tragic flaw is a
classic one: hubris. The guy desperately wants to be an artiste.
Listening to My Lives, it's clear that these ambitions began early,
back in the Attila days, when he was given to creating minisuites with
titles like "Amplifier Fire (I. Godzilla; II. March of the Huns)." As a
lyricist, Joel has never stopped straining for significance. He's tried
to be a Dylan-style poet-troubadour ("Piano Man"), a jaundiced social
satirist a la Randy Newman ("Los Angelenos"), and a Springsteenesque
working-class bard ("Allentown"). Lately, he's reinvented himself as
Claude Debussy: My Lives features several forays into classical
composition, including a tremulous piece of glop called "Elegy: The
Great Peconic," performed by members of the London Symphony Orchestra.
The truth is that Joel was born at the wrong time. Were he a decade
older, he might have wound up in the Brill Building crafting perfect
little pop songs and gone down in history with Burt Bacharach, Carole
King, and company. But Joel came of age in the post-Beatles era, when
songwriters grew self-conscious about rock's aesthetic and social
significance, and felt compelled to make statements. Alas, Joel is a
leaden lyricist with nothing to say; the result is songs like the 1989
hit "We Didn't Start the Fire," a laundry list of historical
events-"Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, Bridge on the River Kwai"-that Joel
tried to pass off as a panorama of postwar American life, or a portrait
of baby boomer ennui, or something. Joel's self-seriousness has been
painfully evident on his recent co-headlining tours with Elton John,
who never lets artistic pretension stop him from donning a feather boa
and throwing a party. Which Lite FM legend would you rather have over
to dinner?
Elton John, in addition to being infinitely gayer and more fabulous
than Joel, seems at peace with his status as a god of the adult
contemporary charts, which Joel decidedly is not. Forget punk rockers
and gangsta rappers: Billy Joel is pop music's angriest man. He was a
welterweight boxer in his early 20s and that pugnaciousness has never
left him-for two decades he has ended his concerts by telling
audiences "Don't take any shit from anybody." His songs have poured
wrath on women ("Big Shot"), mom and dad ("My Life"), and virtually
everyone else, including, curiously, angry young men ("Prelude/Angry
Young Man"). Even his gentlest songs leak bile. "Honesty" seems tender
enough until you listen closely and realize it's about how everyone in
the world is a liar and a hypocrite.
Joel, of course, is Long Island's favorite musical son, and it's
tempting to write off his fuck-everyone attitude as a regional tic: The
Song of the Bridge-and-Tunnel Tough Guy. But the chief source of Joel's
resentment is his place in the musical pantheon. He's never stopped
moaning about rock critics dismissing him as a lightweight. In the late
'70s he famously ripped up Village Voice critic Robert Christgau's
reviews on stage. He recorded Glass Houses (1980) in a fruitless
attempt to answer his detractors and prove that he was a real rocker,
undeserving of relegation to soft-rock radio, a format he's referred to
as "soft-cock." The irony is that Joel was running away from his
strength: He makes good cheese. A comparison with McCartney is
revealing. Sir Paul is at his finest when he gets arty and ambitious.
The Beatles' songwriting experiments and sonic questing brought out the
best in him; when he writes sweet and sentimental, the results can be
gruesome. (All together now: We're simp-ly hav-ing a won-der-ful
Christmas time!) But Joel is actually quite good at writing saccharine
love songs, big lush ballads, and lounge music.
The ur-Joel ballad, of course, is "Just the Way You Are," which is an
expertly constructed song, the kind of thing that urbane Tin Pan Alley
types were writing back in the 1950s. Joel has said that when he wrote
the song, he envisioned Ray Charles singing it in Yankee Stadium, and,
sure enough, "Just the Way You Are" has become a standard, recorded by
everyone from Wayne Newton to Isaac Hayes to opera diva Jessye Norman.
Barry White gave it the disco boudoir treatment; Sinatra swung it. Even
Mrs. Elvis Costello herself, Diana Krall, gave a tender reading on her
2002 Live in Paris album, proof positive that art-even
schmaltz-drenched art-is longer than snark. And the song really is
artful: If you can get past the production dreck of Joel's original,
you just might find yourself surrendering to its dreamy tiptoeing
between minor sixth and seventh chords and to the spare elegance of its
lyric. Joel croons those words-a plea not to put on airs-to a
lover. But the old-fashioned balladeer who fancied himself a
poet-genius-rebel-rocker would have done well to heed them himself:
"Don't go trying some new fashion/ Don't change the color of your
hair."
[end quote]
Paulie Peanuts
yougotl...@yahoo.com wrote:
> Slipped Discs - the Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time
> Jimmy Guterman & Owen O'Donnell
Two jerkoffs who haven't heard bad records based on what they listed
here.
> The Fifty Worst Rock-And-Roll Singles of All Time
>
> 1. Berry, Chuck - My Ding a Ling
> ...strings together double-entendre penis jokes that can be enjoyed
> only by the very young or the very drunk.
Not good, but nowhere near as bad as hundreds of other hit singles.
> 5. Peter, Paul & Mary - I Dig Rock and Roll Music
Nothing wrong with this record.
> 6. Zager & Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)
Got played out fast, but still a lot better than tons of other records.
> 7. Ronstadt, Linda - Back in the USA
Good version.
> 8. Cher - You Better Sit Down Kids
Nothing wrong with this.
> 9. McLean, Don - American Pie
Classic.
> 10. Harris, Richard - MacArthur Park
not bad at all.
> 12. Chapin, Harry - Taxi
nothing wrong with this record.
> 13. Chapin, Harry - Cat's in the Cradle
nothing wrong with this record.
> 15. Reddy, Helen - I Am Woman
good record.
> 16. Knack - Good Girls Don't
good record.
> 18. Stills, Stephen - Love the One You're With
Excellent record. These two clowns are fucked up if they think that
this is one of the 20 worst singles of all time.
> 19. Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII, I Am
Nothing wrong with this record.
> 21. Carmen, Eric - All by Myself
not bad at all.
> 23. Manfred Mann's Earthband - Blinded by the Light
not bad at all.
> 24. McFerrin, Bobby - Don't Worry Be Happy
Good record, very unique.
> 26. O'Sullivan - Gilbert - Alone Again (Naturally)
classic
> 28. Stevens, Cat - Moon Shadow
nothing wrong with this.
> 33. Melanie - Brand New Key
Nothing wrong with this.
> 36. Smith, Hurricane - Oh Babe, What Would You Say?
Very good fun record.
> 38. Stewart, Amii - Knock on Wood
Classic disco
> 48. Everly Brothers - Ebony Eyes
> ... represents how far the boys could fall.
Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.
> 50. John Cougar - Jack and Diane
Not bad at all.
Lars, is their an e-mail address where I can write to these two
buffoons to tell them that their list blows?
yougotl...@yahoo.com
you don't particularly enjoy or expect to enjoy, as did one Mikael Wood
of Village Voice one evening:
[open quote]
Sometimes He's Shot
The piano man has lots of bad songs to play at the Garden, but some are
worse than others
by Mikael Wood
February 3rd, 2006 6:28 PM
Singling out the absolute worst Billy Joel song of all time is
difficult work. For one thing, you have to listen to a whole bunch of
Billy Joel songs: Over the past 35 years the Long Island
schlockmeister-now in the midst of an 11-show, three-month stand at
Madison Square Garden-has sold somewhere in the vicinity of 100
million albums. And though that figure includes roughly 21 million
copies of his 1985 greatest-hits set, it also comprises sales of lots
of other records. So there's quite a bit of competition for the
worst-ever distinction, much more than for the best-ever honor. (That's
a two-horse race: "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" versus "Only the
Good Die Young.")
Personally, I resent "Pressure" for robbing Andrew Lloyd Webber of an
arpeggio whose rightful place is in The Phantom of the Opera, which
premiered a mere four years after Joel's The Nylon Curtain was
released. And I kind of want to puke when I hear "Piano Man," thanks to
my overdeveloped sense of smell; the idea of a microphone perfumed like
a beer really grosses me out.
Nonetheless, after a thorough examination of My Lives, a new four-CD,
one-DVD box set that stretches from Joel's teenage days fronting the
Lost Souls to his recent excursions into treacly faux-classical music,
I'm prepared to designate "I Go to Extremes" the number-one worst Billy
Joel song ever. My Lives offers two opportunities to sample the tune's
shittiness, neither of which is the original studio version from Storm
Front. (Too bad: That 1989 album, recorded in the aftermath of Joel's
historic tour of the USSR-during which he exercised his cultural
ambassadorship by famously shoving a piano offstage-is, in
retrospect, a small wonder of fin de siécle white-guy paranoia.) The
first, found on Disc 3, is a previously unreleased live cut recorded at
the L.A. Memorial Sports Arena in 1990; it's typical of the era, thick
with leftover late-'80s synthesizer cheese. (What's sort of great about
the track, I must admit, is the unhinged Howard Dean yowl with which
Joel kicks it off.)
It's the second rendition of "I Go to Extremes"-part of the 1993
Frankfurt concert presented on the box set's DVD-that perfectly
crystallizes my beef with Joel (beyond those fucking TV spots for
Broadway's Movin' Out that plagued reruns of Law and Order all last
year). The song is about exactly what the title suggests: Joel can't
explain to his lady friend why he's either "out of the darkness" or
"into the light," either "wrong" or "perfectly right"; he's always too
high or too low-with him "there ain't no in-betweens."
Yet Joel's performance here-onstage before an adoring crowd that
includes one guy with a sign reading, "YOU ARE THE BEST"-has to be
one of the most dispassionate things I've ever seen: Joel stares into
space, as if wondering how to say "cola wars" in German; he moves his
water cup to better read his lyric book. The last thing Dude's doing is
going to extremes-especially compared to the members of his band,
whose batshit enthusiasm emphasizes Joel's Zen-like calm. The only
lyric in the song he lives up to: "Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm
shot."
Why on earth would anyone feature this clip in a box set intended to
demonstrate his artistic zeal? Because that's Joel, the most tone-deaf
guy in pop. The Piano Man is unsatisfied with his song-and-dance
status; in his eyes he's Dylan or Springsteen, so he has to wrest
meaning from even the slimmest shard of frivolity. Yet with a few
exceptions that's precisely what saps Joel's music of its energy and
life (as indeed it's done to some of Dylan's and Springsteen's).
Absorbing My Lives is like having some beer-buzzed guy in a bar yell in
your ear for four hours straight about his family tree. Which is energy
in a sense, I suppose-an energy of in-between-ness. Joel's stuck
between mattering and Mattering. And he chooses incorrectly nearly
every time.
Copywright 2006 The Village Voice
[end quote]
yougotl...@yahoo.com
Paulie Peanuts wrote:
>
> Not bad at all.
>
> Lars, is their an e-mail address where I can write to these two
> buffoons to tell them that their list blows?
No, sorry. I didn't see an e-mail; sorry.
I didn't agree with the whole list, either. I think Brand New Key was
always an A+ record, too. But they were correct about the 3 worst
rock acts at the time the book was written, at least those in the
biggest of the big time at some point in their careers. Maybe Phil
Collins should be # 3 though, instead of McCartney.
Intheway
The Gutless Paulie Peanut whines again:
>
> Two jerkoffs who haven't heard bad records based on what they listed
> here.
Wait a minute.
What's the difference between being able to say a record is great
without hearing it, like you do, and saying a record sucks without
hearing it, like they do?
It seems to me, you're just like them. The jerkoff part certainly
confirms it.
John B.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the heck off. No need to go through one by one. I did
have to specifically comment on some of their album choices, though...
><yougotl...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>news:1159803517.7...@b28g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
>Slipped Discs - the Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time
>Jimmy Guterman & Owen O'Donnell
>11. Jethro Tull - Aqualung
>Look at the back cover of Aqualung and you'll see a nine-verse
>pseudosacred text, penned in Gothic script by Anderson, starting with,
>"In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he
>him". Aside from the syntactic and theological nightmares implicit in
>these words, it's baffling why Anderson thought the text would be a
>good way to lure record buyers.
Come on now, it's Tull at their best!
>13. Queen - Queen II
>What does the 'White Queen' stand for? Why do the band members want
>to go to 'The Seven Seas of Rhye'? Why do all four and members part
>their hair in the middle? None of these questions are answered.
Did they even LISTEN to this?? Sounds like they looked at the album cover
and made a few snide comments about THAT! And it doesn't take a genius to
figure out the difference between the "White Queen" and the "Black Queen" -
DUH!!!
>31. Blood, Sweat and Tears - Blood, Sweat & Tears (1969)
>They watered down [Al] Kooper's original concept until rock was all
>but eroded and aimed its fuzzy concept of jazz and blues to a mass
>audience who never listened to or cared for either.
Great album which I got into many years after it came out.
>32. Donovan - Greatest Hits
>Sounding more like a be-in accidentally recorded than a bona fide song,
>'Mellow Yellow' is also notable in that it marks the first
>appearance by Paul McCartney on one of the worst records ever recorded.
>(There would be many, many more)
Uhm, they're basing their whole opinion on one song from the album. How
weak is THAT??
>38. America - History: America's Greatest Hits
>You still don't believe they're dumb? Well, what if we told you the
>band thought it was clever to start the title of seven consecutive
>albums with the latter H? We thought that would quieten you down.
Some great tunes on here! "Sister Golden Hair"? "Ventura Highway"?? Come
on guys!!!!
>50. U2 - Unforgettable Fire
>They think they are the most important band in the world, and sometimes
>they are. On The Unforgettable Fire, they don't even come close.
Two of my favorite U2 songs are on here: the title track and "Wire". These
guys really ARE frickin' clueless.
...And I'd love to see their BEST singles and albums lists so we can poke
holes in that as well - ha!!!
John B.
Paulie Peanuts
What the FUCK is that smell?
Oh, Hi Fred.
yougotl...@yahoo.com
Mike G wrote:
>
> I also might buy that self-titled Byrds album sometime.
I'd make sure you own:
Mr. Tambourine Man
Younger Than Yesterday
Notorious Byrd Brothers
"Untitled"
Ballad Of Easy Rider
5th Dimension
Turn Turn Turn
Sweetheart of The Rodeo
(which would seem to be enough Byrds albums for anybody).
You might also make sure you spend money on key alumni albums like Gene
Clark's REALLY REALLY fine "No Other" first, too; or International
Submarine Band's (with Gram Parsons) 1968 "Safe At Home" offering; for
decades out of print, and a lost classic - if you were a fan of the
Sweetheart lp, that is. Or the post-graduate Burritos' "Gilded Palace
of Sin", which would be categorized as part of "central canon" of rock
classics as you would term it.
Look into above first, if you haven't already. This is one reunion
that from all accounts I heard was nothing special. Neither was
Hollies What Comes Around Goes Around, either, I heard.
Paulie Peanuts
Intheway wrote:
> The Gutless Paulie Peanut whines again:
> >
> > Two jerkoffs who haven't heard bad records based on what they listed
> > here.
>
> Wait a minute.
>
> What's the difference between being able to say a record is great
> without hearing it, like you do, and saying a record sucks without
> hearing it, like they do?
Read my post again, schmuck. I did not say that they listed records
that they didn't hear. I said....
Two jerkoffs who haven't heard bad records............................
based on what they listed
here.
Meaning that if that is what they list as "bad records," than they
haven't really heard bad records (at all).
Parry
>
> Jeez, where do I even START?!? With the singles, they're either right on or
> waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay the heck off. No need to go through one by one. I did
> have to specifically comment on some of their album choices, though...
>
> ><yougotl...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> >news:1159803517.7...@b28g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> >Slipped Discs - the Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time
> >Jimmy Guterman & Owen O'Donnell
>
> >11. Jethro Tull - Aqualung
> >Look at the back cover of Aqualung and you'll see a nine-verse
> >pseudosacred text, penned in Gothic script by Anderson, starting with,
> >"In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he
> >him". Aside from the syntactic and theological nightmares implicit in
> >these words, it's baffling why Anderson thought the text would be a
> >good way to lure record buyers.
>
> Come on now, it's Tull at their best!
What's "baffling" here is that the writers apparently missed the point
of the Tull line. Tull isn't guilty of poor syntax, they just rephrased
a line from the Bible. The theological complication is intentional. And
why they thought this "would be a good way to lure record buyers"?
Actually, religious talk has wide appeal, because one doesn't have to
know much to feel like an expert on these sort of supernatural subjects
which they believe to be profound matters. In any case, the record sold
very well. This book appears to be continuing the tradition of lousiness
established by The Golden Turkey Awards.
-- Parry
Parry
> Very solid "worst" choices. I'd rank "My Ding a Ling" at #1, myself.
> Though, as ever, there's the fallibility of listing "worst" songs
> when they're really "worst WELL-KNOWN songs."
A term like "bad music" has to be defined up front to have real meaning
in a text, otherwise it just means something like "this record bugs me."
I don't know if these writers bothered defining their terminology.
An area that interests me in where songwriters intentionally write
crummy songs, usually to kill contracts. Spector did "Do the Screw," The
Stones did "Cocksucker Blues." Didn't Van Morrison do a whole album of
terrible songs? I've heard his "Have a Danish," which made me laugh so
it can't be all bad.
Kim Fowley recorded a song called something like "The Worst Record in
the World." It wasn't all that bad, and certainly wasn't Fowley's worst
record.
-- Parry
Intheway
> > The Gutless Paulie Peanut whines again:
>>
> haven't really heard bad records (at all).
But you'd have to agree that they don't have to hear a record to
decided it's bad.
Objectively, I mean.
I can't see why you won't allow them to make the same judgments you do,
unless this is like chronology and you are claiming some sort of unique
talent in that regard.
Intheway
> > The Gutless Paulie Peanut whines again:
>
Oh, that one HURT!
I bet you're the terror of the Bloomfield kindergarten sandbox, Peanut
with a rap like that. I bet you only have to armwrestle half the girls
to prove you're tougher than them.
What a putz.
eric h
Parry <pa...@keroOMITmail.com> wrote:
>Mike G wrote:
>> Very solid "worst" choices. I'd rank "My Ding a Ling" at #1, myself.
>> Though, as ever, there's the fallibility of listing "worst" songs
>> when they're really "worst WELL-KNOWN songs."
Oh, come now. There's no sport in kicking "Ding-a-ling." None at all.
It's not a fun bad record. It's not even a really awful bad record, and
possibly not even really all *that* bad.
>A term like "bad music" has to be defined up front to have real meaning
>in a text, otherwise it just means something like "this record bugs me."
>I don't know if these writers bothered defining their terminology.
I don't think they did, and that's part of why they managed to come up
with such a lousy list. From looking at it, I didn't get the slightest
idea of what they'd consider a good record. Beyond that, there's not a
whole lot of new discoveries of badness in there. Ragging on "Metal
Machine Music" is every bit as unoriginal as ragging on "My Ding-a-ling".
Besides which, where was Air Supply? The Aussie staples (lower case on
the "s", mind you) of soft rock have it all in my badness book: cloying
lyrics, overwrought productions, maudlin vocals. Of course, they try so
hard...and that's why it's so bad. Nothing exceeds like excess.
>An area that interests me in where songwriters intentionally write
>crummy songs, usually to kill contracts.
MMM fits that bill, doesn't it?
--
---
"Wake up, everybody."--McFadden/Whitehead/Carstarphen
Brett A. Pasternack
> Mike G wrote:
>
>>Very solid "worst" choices. I'd rank "My Ding a Ling" at #1, myself.
>>Though, as ever, there's the fallibility of listing "worst" songs
>>when they're really "worst WELL-KNOWN songs."
>
>
> A term like "bad music" has to be defined up front to have real meaning
> in a text, otherwise it just means something like "this record bugs me."
> I don't know if these writers bothered defining their terminology.
Well, pretty much, yes. They're upfront about saying that they're not
looking for stupid novelty records (although they make a couple of
exceptions) or obscure amateur stuff. They're looking for bad records
that are held up by others as good or that were made by people with
great talent.
I don't agree with a lot of their choices (heck, they bash solo Paul
McCartney, and everyone here knows I LOVE solo McCartney) and they've
got some odd issues about father/child relationships, but their book is
usually entertaining and occasionally thought-provoking.
Brett A. Pasternack
> "Brett A. Pasternack" <bret...@erols.com> wrote:
>
>
>>they've got some odd issues about father/child relationships
>
>
>
> Explain.
The book lists an inordinate number of songs on that subject. It seems
that the authors find anything remotely sentimental on that topic to be
offensive. Of course, some of the records in that category are quite
deserving (e.g. "Once You Understand"), but others are not ("The Living
Years", Rod Stewart's "Forever Young"), from where I sit.
Del Rio
yougotl...@yahoo.com <yougotl...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>Slipped Discs - the Worst Rock 'n' Roll Records of All Time
>Jimmy Guterman & Owen O'Donnell
>
Whew, I'd feel really disoriented if at least a couple
of my favorite albums didn't make it onto any random
"worst of all time" list.
--
"I know I promised, Lord, never again. But I also know
that YOU know what a weak-willed person I am."
Del Rio
Dean F. <nos...@biteme.com> wrote:
>This must be an updated reprint. I have the 1991 original (somewhere) and
>don't recall some of the entries you cite. I do, however, recall entries
>that are not mentioned in your post, like Jimmy Gilmer's "Sugar Shack" and
>Robert Hazard's "Escalator of Life."
Who updates and revises worst-of lists?? They're just
throwaway articles that people write when they can't
think of anything intelligent to say. Guess that
happens more often with these guys...