One Fine Day . . . around 3 PM

trumpetofthelord

unread,

Apr 23, 2003, 5:06:10 PM4/23/03

to

From: Michael Cahill (mca...@mindspring.com)
Subject: One Fine Day . . . around 3 PM
Newsgroups: rec.arts.marching.drumcorps
Date: 1999/02/27
[ Fade up - a bustling office on Staten Island, NY ]

[ 3:04 PM ]

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnnnnng

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnng

- click -

Marion : Jerome Callet Horns, this is Marion how can I help you?

Phone: . . . Horns hup, horns hup , horns hup , hup now. . .
THUDUUUUNNNKKK!!! . . . CRAAASHHHHHH . . .
mrrrrrrrrowwww!!!!!!!! . . . . AUUUUGGGG!!!!

- click -

Marion: Hello? . . . . Hello? . . . .

[Marion hangs up the phone and turns to adjust her fern. As she sweeps
some dirt off her desk the phone rings again ]

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

-click-

Marion : Jerome Callet Horns, this is Marion how can I help you?

Phone: [ in the distance a mans voice - barely audible ] . . . . hang
on . .
dro . . . . . dropped th' music stand . . . foot . . . . ow.
. . .
here kitty . . .

Marion: Hello, is anybody there?

Phone: FWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Marion : Jesus!

[ Marion drops the receiver and it slams into the fern knocking it off
the desk
sending it to the carpet with a dull thud. Marion retrieves the
bleating
receiver by it's cord and holds it up and away from her like a
vibrating soiled
diaper. Her right ear is ringing at precisely 20khtz. Across the hall
a
co-worker startled by the ballistic fern stares in abject horror at
the noise
coming from the earpiece ]

Phone: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDLLLLAAAABBBBBAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Patty: What IS that horrid sound?

Phone: FWUHH . . . FWHUHHH. . FWHEEEEEEEEBBBBRRRRRRRRAAAAA!!!!

Marion: I think it's that nasty man from Georgia again with another
one of his "recitals".

Phone: PHHHhhhhHHHHHIISSSSSSSSQQQQUUUUUEEEEEeeeeeeeehhhsss.....

Marion: . . . .

Phone: Hello!

Patty: Hang up!

Marion: . . .

Phone: . . . HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!

Marion: Good afternoon, Jerome Callet Horns how can I help you?

Howdy: Howdy!

Marion: Hello.

Howdy: Itt's me Howdy!

M: Hello Howdy.

H: Hey, wher's my good pal Jerome?

M: Mr. Callet started screening his calls after your last "concert".
Remember?

H: Well whatever. Go gett him. I wanna play something for him.

M: I'm sorry sir, but Mr. Callet is VERY busy today.

H: AUG!

M: Pardon me?

H: [ rustling of paper ] . . . Ma'am, I am a well known Baptist
minister. If
people misrepresent me as being gay my career . . . wait that's
the wrong
note . . .

M: Beg your pardon?

H: . . . Here we go . . . Ma'am, I am one of the best high note
players in the
world, If a high note is what you want, then I am your man . . .

M: Sir . . .

H: . . . High Note Howdy they call me . . .

M: Sir, I told you . .

H: . . . I will play double super C's , even the G above that, I can
do it at
any time, It is now like riding a bike. Sometimes I play so high
that I
cantt even heare it . . I just get weird looks from my dog
Darwin. . .

M: Sir . . .

H: . . .soometimes I play a little game with him . . . I grab him and
Body Slam
him with one hand and blast a note on the trumpett in his face and
yell
"Where's your Evolution NOW tough guy!!!!!" . . .

M: Oh my!. . . uhhhh listen sir, Mr. Callet is quite . . .

H: Also I am verrry good lookin. Good Lookin Howdy they all say . . .

M: How nice for you.

H: When I look in the mirror each day I go... Wow, I'm good looking.

M: I'm sure you do.

H: . . .Some guys probbably think I'm cute but they'd better watch it
. . .
I'll body slam them to the ground. Body Slammin Howdy they call me
. . .
. . . you do not want to get into it with me, Howdie is a
defensive tactics nut.

M: [ sighs ] . . . is there anything else I can help you with?

H: I aint nobodies bitch I tell ya that . . .

M: ???????

H: See Men were made to be sexually compatible with women .

M: Oh lord . . .

H: Man was not designed to have sex with a man, He is a man
and God designed men to have sex with women, not men.

M: Got it.

H: Thank God I'm not gay. Brown isn't my favorite color.

M: What??????

H: I aint no rectum loving queer.

M: Sir that's entirely uncalled for!

H: Fudge is not my favorite dessert.

M: Sir THAT'S ENOUGH!

H: Yeah. Burn Those bloody britt queer lovin tiny tinky magic purse
boy
carrying gay pridesymbol triangle antenna purple tella
tubbies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M: Uhhhh . . .

H: Flatulent - adjictive, french, to blow, of, having or producing gas
in the
stomach or intestines.

M: Sir . . .

H: If some Islamic group attacks my home I will have some surprises
waiting for them.

M: Sir . . . are you on medication?

H: Nope . . . . When you buy an airline ticket, TAX!! When you buy a
Hamberger, TAX!!!!

M: You SHOULD be.

H: Whatever. Go and get Jerry . . I want himm to hear somthing . .

M: How do you do that?

H: Whatt? Play high notes?

M: No, make your words come out of my phone in little misspelled
cartoon bubbles.

H: Its a giffttt. Now go get Jerome.

M: I'm sorry sir but he is unavailable right now.

H: Im calling your blufff. Putt Jerome on the phonne or shut up.

M: Mr. Callet has made it clear . . . thanks Sandy . . . Mr. Callet
has made it
clear . .

H: Sandra Opie??? I didn't know she worked their. She was a terrible
judge.
I will never forgett how unffair she was to Northstar.

M: That was Sandy Feldbaum . . . my assistant.

H: Oh . . . does she reaad Hebreew? I do. I have seven degrees in
biblikal
skolarship. HEY SANDY!! MAZEL TOFF! BETHLEHEM! SPIEILBURG!

M: She's looking at the bubble . . . she says it's "mazel tov" . . .
with a V.

H: Whatever. Put Gerome on the phonne.

M: Sir Mr. Callet is unavailable . . good da. . .

H: WRONG! I know hes their. I wanna play him La Fiesta again only this
time up
nine octaves . . .

M: He's UNAVAILABLE.

H: Lissen missy, dont you go tryinn to cencor me! Put Gerome on the
line.

M: For the LAST time Mr. Callet is unavailable and he won't be
available ANY
time you call. He's made that quite clear already. Didn't you
get the
notice from his lawyer?

H: Yeah . .

M: Well what did you do with it?

H: I used the back side to draw a degree from Libberty University in
crayon . .

M: . . . . . . . . . . .

H: It's purple and brown and verry pretti if I may say so myself , and
i can
cause I am one of the best crayoners in the world - ask anybody -
Colorful Crayonin' Howdy they call me . .

M: Sir . . .

H: . . . they say I'm like that guy Pikkaso only with crayons and
better . . .

M: Sir . . .

H: . . . See cause . .Ow, my footts actin up . . . cause the cause
the original
was losted in the mail but I called Jerry Falwell and he saidd
their guna
send anothr one well three. . . actually all three of my degrees
got losted
but their gonna replace all of em so this one is just tempurary .
. .

M: As in "temporary insanity"

H: What?

M: Nothing . . . listen . . . Mr Callet is not available. Good day .

H: No YOU listen, I'm gonna play La Fiesta . . you just hold the fone
towards
Gerome an

- click -

[3:18 PM]

Brrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg.