Paint a Picture (of you)
Andy Le Fevre
here's
one that may be too much the wrong way - comments welcome,
thanks.
Paint a Picture (of you) © 2001 Andrew Le Fevre
================
[v1]
Take a canvass
Take a brush
Mix the colours
Describing us
Paint an outline
Paint a smile
Catch the moment
that's so fragile
[ch]
You could be a hollywood movie star
With your perfect body, perfect smile
Driven by heros in fast cars
Who even crash in style
And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you
[v2]
Naked body
Naked soul
Beneath the surface
Never growing old
Ageless beauty
Ageless youth
So revealing
Hidden truth
[ch]
You could be a hollywood movie star
With your perfect body, perfect smile
Driven by heros in fast cars
Who even crash in style
And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you
[br]
With each stroke of my brush
Get to know you so well
But at the end of the pose
a stranger comes and goes
[v3]
Take a gallery
Take a crowd
Stand about you
Catch their breath out loud
Share the moment
Share the scene
Watch you milking
Secret dreams
[ch]
Snabbu
Andy Le Fevre wrote:
Hi Andy
I think this is a good song idea. I would like the art motive to be
more specifically upfront in all three verses like the first one is
painting so the next one could be drawing and the third sculpture.
Instead of aspects of painting like life posing and galleries as you
have now.
So thinking like that the first verse is good except for the last line
"that's so fragile" which I get a feeling of misplaced stress on.
Making me want to change the meter of the last two lines to
"Catch a moment
So fragile"
I think the chorus is a bit wordy I like the idea behind the last two
lines
"And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you"
It could even be
"You look so fragile and new
I have to paint a picture of you "
So if that could be about preserving this moment in time through art it
would work for me, it can of course be semi progressive as you go
through he art forms
I will draw, I will paint, I will sculpt an image of you. Hmm. perhaps
a graven image.
The bridge image is cool and a twist you would have to change "brush" to
"hand' to fit the three disciplines or leave it how it is and have it
next to the chorus following the painting verse.
I see in your structure you go from bridge to verse it should be bridge
to chorus although I am no a bridge fanatic I one stuck a bridge
following a verse so the structure was verse chorus verse bridge chorus
and that sounded good to me so it may well work how you have it.
Cheers
Gary
-- -- semper sume remedium ante casum
http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/188/gary_yeomans.html
David Robinson
================
[v1]
Take a canvass
Take a brush
Mix the colours
Describing us
Paint an outline
Paint a smile
Catch the moment
that's so fragile"
smile/fragile = forced rhyme. I can't hear it working.
"[ch]
You could be a hollywood movie star
With your perfect body, perfect smile
Driven by heroes in fast cars
Who even crash in style
And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you"
Now you've reused 'smile' in the chorus. Also not a good move.
"[v2]
Naked body
Naked soul
Beneath the surface
Never growing old
Ageless beauty
Ageless youth
So revealing
Hidden truth"
Better. I actually like what you're aiming for when you hit it.
"[br]
With each stroke of my brush
Get to know you so well
But at the end of the pose
a stranger comes and goes"
And you were doing so well in verse two...as a bridge, this starts out
reading like more of the verses. You need to come at it from a different
angle. The fourth line doesn't seem to make any sense at all.
"[v3]
Take a gallery
Take a crowd
Stand about you
Catch their breath out loud
Share the moment
Share the scene
Watch you milking
Secret dreams"
I don't like this as well as verse two, but it's better than the bridge.
Don't mean to be opaque, I just don't want to spend all night on the
computer writing critiques. I would say take another shot at the bridge
if you really think it needs one. You could probably just scrap the
first verse altogether, although I still like the first two lines of it,
that's a good start. Maybe just kill the smile/fragile couplet and match
it up with another couplet from another verse (then trim up that verse,
too). Like:
[v1]
Take a canvass
Take a brush
Mix the colours
Describing us
We share the moment
Share the scene
silence milking
Secret dreams"
[ch]
You could be a hollywood movie star
With your perfect body, perfect smile
Driven by heroes in fast cars
Who even crash in style
And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you
"[v2]
Naked body
Naked soul
Beneath the surface
Never growing old
Ageless beauty
Ageless youth
So revealing
Hidden truth
[ch]
You could be a hollywood movie star
With your perfect body, perfect smile
Driven by heroes in fast cars
Who even crash in style
And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you
new bridge goes here, then
[ch]
You could be a hollywood movie star
With your perfect body, perfect smile
Driven by heroes in fast cars
Who even crash in style
And you who look so fragile and new
I'll paint a picture, of you
and out.
just a thought, good luck with it
David
Andy Le Fevre
Snabbu wrote:
Hey Gary,
V.good feedback and explosion of ideas here!
Interesting idea to consider other art forms - the sculpting idea
has fantastic possibilities for generating sensual imagery..!!
Re: verse-chorus-bridge-chorus - oops! got that wrong on
this song (and on a recent song competition entry - doh!).
Thanks for your thoughtful comments,
Andy
Andy Le Fevre
Hi David,
Many thanks for your time and great critique!
Regarding the 4th line of the bridge
"[br]
With each stroke of my brush
Get to know you so well
But at the end of the pose
a stranger comes and goes"
Must admit - I thought that this was one of the better (deeper!) lines:
- the artist gets to 'know' the model in the act of painting her - but
at the end of the sitting (pose) - she becomes a stranger again
(moves out of her 'familiar' position he 'knows' her in) and goes
away a stranger that he doesn't really know at all....
Interesting idea to concentrate more into v1 and v2 and eliminate
v3 - I'll have a think on that one...
Cheers,
Andy
Snabbu
Andy Le Fevre wrote:
> David Robinson wrote:
>
>
>
> Hi David,
>
> Many thanks for your time and great critique!
>
> Regarding the 4th line of the bridge
>
> "[br]
> With each stroke of my brush
> Get to know you so well
> But at the end of the pose
> a stranger comes and goes"
>
> Must admit - I thought that this was one of the better (deeper!) lines:
>
> - the artist gets to 'know' the model in the act of painting her - but
> at the end of the sitting (pose) - she becomes a stranger again
> (moves out of her 'familiar' position he 'knows' her in) and goes
> away a stranger that he doesn't really know at all....
>
> Interesting idea to concentrate more into v1 and v2 and eliminate
> v3 - I'll have a think on that one...
>
> Cheers,
>
> Andy
I really liked the bridge too. It's like he thinks he's getting close and
intimate but it's all an illusion it's just her work. For me it was the twist
in the thing.
Craig Ramseur
more impact and resonance. The song was good, David made
it better. I agree with the smile/fragile line problem.
I disagree with Gary about moving to different art forms
with each verse. You could do it...and it would be good,
too, but I don't think you need to do it here. That would
be another song.
Craig
--
---------------------------------------------------
Peace and lovingkindness to all, even the bad guys.
---------------------------------------------------
Craig Ramseur
cr...@panix.com
http://www.soundclick.com/craigramseur.htm
David Robinson <whiske...@home.com> wrote in
news:3BD8AFB3...@home.com:
Mis-Esmerelda Typo
content.
Cid
God Bless America!
Andy Le Fevre
> David's rewrite/edit does tighten up the song, giving it
> more impact and resonance. The song was good, David made
> it better. I agree with the smile/fragile line problem.
>
> I disagree with Gary about moving to different art forms
> with each verse. You could do it...and it would be good,
> too, but I don't think you need to do it here. That would
> be another song.
>
> Craig
> --
Hi Craig,
Thanks for your comments!
Interesting that both you and David think there is
a problem with the fragile/smile lines:
"...
Paint a smile
Catch the moment
that's so fragile"
... as a 'vocalist' I don't have a problem here (probably a
very
bad sign!!) - especially if I do as Gary suggested and leave
out "that's" to tighten the meter. Maybe it's an
American/English accent thing - any other singers out there
have an opinion...?
Andy
OSSONGS
>a problem with the fragile/smile lines:
>
>"...
>Paint a smile
>Catch the moment
>that's so fragile"
Because the emphasis is 'supposed' to be on the FRAG and not the 'ile' that
makes the prosody falter in the rhyme?
Dolores
Craig Ramseur
news:3BDBC4C0...@paullefevre.freeserve.co.uk:
Sting (European) pronounces it "fra-jile" (rhymes with
smile).
I (American) pronounce it "fra-jill" (rhymes with "will").
It may just be a regionalism.
Jay Seeley
wrote:
>
>Sting (European) pronounces it "fra-jile" (rhymes with
>smile).
>
>I (American) pronounce it "fra-jill" (rhymes with "will").
>
>It may just be a regionalism.
>--
I have always pronounced it Italian style:
"fra JEE lay"
And that's why people think I'm so sophisticated.
Jay See
OSSONGS
>Sting (European) pronounces it "fra-jile" (rhymes with
>smile).>>
Sting, English, pronounces it correctly.
>I (American) pronounce it "fra-jill" (rhymes with "will").>
Pronounced incorrectly, but as a rhyme would work with Americans.
The rest of the English speaking world will wonder what he is saying ;-)
As they wonder what the Americans are saying when they say 'mobill' for mobile;
'missal' for missile.
Only in America...;-)
Dolores
Joe Allison
"will". One of those hairy things that it's proper English after enough
use. Sort of like po-tay-to / po-tah-to. (And last I checked in order to
say mo-bill instead of mo-buhl you either have to be a southern belle or
talking about the city in Alabama. *grin*)
David Robinson
While you explain whatcha mean by that, I'm not sure aye git it.
David