Musician Jokes
Paul Guy
IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 OR OFFENDED BY EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, DO NOT READ
(Fairly innocent little story but contains rude words.)
<ROT-13>
Juvyr nhqvgvbavat sbe n wbo, n cvnavfg cynlrq bar bs uvf bja
pbzcbfvgvbaf. "Gung'f ornhgvshy," gur ybhatr bjare raguhfrq. "Jung qb
lbh pnyy vg?" "Evc Bss Ure Pybgurf naq Fperj Ure Qbttl Fglyr", gur
cvnavfg ercyvrq. Gur bjare gbyq gur zhfvpvna gb cynl nabgure cvrpr,
juvpu jnf rdhnyyl ornhgvshy. Jura nfxrq gur gvgyr, gur cvnavfg ercyvrq,
"Fubir Lbhe Qvpx Va Ure Zbhgu naq Juvfgyr n Unccl Zrybql".
"Ybbx, V ybir lbhe zhfvp," gur bjare fnvq, "ohg V'yy bayl uver lbh vs
lbh xrrc lbhe fbat gvgyrf gb lbhefrys."
Gur cvnavfg nterrq naq ortna gb jbex gung avtug. Nsgre uvf svefg frg, ur
tbg hc gb tb gb gur zra'f ebbz. Ba uvf jnl onpx, n phfgbzre fgbccrq uvz.
"Rkphfr zr, qb lbh xabj lbhe syl'f hamvccrq naq lbhe pbpx vf fgvpxvat
bhg?"
"Xabj vg?" gur cvnavfg rkpynvzrq, "V jebgr vg, zna!"
</ROT13>
Sorry if you've heard it before - I just heard it for the first time
today...
Stevie Paul
--
Paul Guy Guitars (Handmade - Custom Shop - Repairs)
Katarina Bangata 65, 116 42 Stockholm , Sweden
My homepage: http://home3.swipnet.se/~w-37192
rod
Snip
>Sorry if you've heard it before - I just heard it for the first time
>today...
>
>Stevie Paul
>
A guy goes to his doctor because he has holes all down the length of his
"john thomas".
"Hey Doc!", he says "You gotta straighten this out fo' me. Ev'ry time I
go to point the lil' fireman at the porcelain, I get soaked".
"MMMMMm" says the Doc, "Let me See". The guy goes into the john with the
Doc and starts to pee.
The effect is like a garden sprinkler. "Stop stop!" screams the Doc, " I
am soaking, come back to my office".
The drenched physician hurredly scribbles a telepne number on a piece of
paper adn hands it to the afflicted guy.
"Great, thanks Doc" says the patient, "at last a specialist."
The doctor replies "Specialist my butt, this guy plays a sax, he'll show
you how to hold it!"
TA DA.......
Don't be late
regards
Rod
Paul Guy
LMAO - I never heard this one either...
Stevie Paul
rod <rod@webmaster_not++fnarr+kyuknospam.co.uk> wrote:
> I just heard it for the first time today...
> >
> >Stevie Paul
> >
> Fair enough, here is another.
>
> A guy goes to his doctor because he has holes all down the length of his
> "john thomas".
--
rod
In article <1997071706...@dialup187-2-59.swipnet.se>, Paul Guy
<pa...@guyguitars.se> writes
>LMAO - I never heard this one either...
You r'e welcome
I heard these last year on this group and they still make me smile.
Sorry I can't credit the orignal posters.
Manager of a band has to separate the guitarist and the bass man, who
are beating the crap out of each other 5 mins before thay are due on.
"Hold on, what's the big problem here?" says the manager.
The bass man says, "That Mofo has downtuned one of my strings, and he
won't tell me which one."
Followed by the PA announcing,
"Would the musicians and the drummer please make their way to the
stage."
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
No disrespect to any drummers or bass players out there, just a laugh.
Bye bye
Rod
SEFSTRAT
Two guys were waling down the street together. One was a musician. The
other didn't have any money, either.
Steve
SEFSTRAT
Richie
What does a musician do when he wins $100.000 in the lottery?
He gigs around till the money is spent....
New...@tdi.net
rod <rod@webmaster_not++fnarr+kyuknospam.co.uk> writes: > In article <1997071706...@dialup187-2-59.swipnet.se>, Paul Guy
BEING A GUITAR PLAYER, I FIND THE WORST THING ABOUT A DIMINISHED
5TH IS THAT I HALF TO GO BACK TO THE LIQUOR STORE!!!
JOHN
New...@tdi.net
rod <rod@webmaster_not++fnarr+kyuknospam.co.uk> writes: > Snip
> >Sorry if you've heard it before - I just heard it for the first time
> >today...
> >
> >Stevie Paul
> >
> Fair enough, here is another.
>
> A guy goes to his doctor because he has holes all down the length of his
> "john thomas".
>
> go to point the lil' fireman at the porcelain, I get soaked".
>
> "MMMMMm" says the Doc, "Let me See". The guy goes into the john with the
> Doc and starts to pee.
>
> The effect is like a garden sprinkler. "Stop stop!" screams the Doc, " I
> am soaking, come back to my office".
>
> The drenched physician hurredly scribbles a telepne number on a piece of
> paper adn hands it to the afflicted guy.
>
> "Great, thanks Doc" says the patient, "at last a specialist."
>
> The doctor replies "Specialist my butt, this guy plays a sax, he'll show
> you how to hold it!"
>
>
> TA DA.......
>
> Don't be late
>
> regards
>
> Rod
CAN YOU SING TENOR???
TEN OR FIFTEEN MILES AWAY WOULD BE GREAT!!!
HOW BOUT SOLO...
SO LOW WE CAN"T HEAR YOU!!!
Troubleman
Richie <vro...@dds.nl> wrote:
>What does a musician do when he wins $100.000 in the lottery?
>He gigs around till the money is spent....
now *that's* funny.....
Troubleman
i...@teleport.com
Two guys at a bar. First guy says, 'hey dood, I just had my
IQ tested. I got 65, man!' Second guy replies, 'Righteous!
Mine is like 50 something!' First guy smiles back and says
'I can dig it. So, like, what kind of bass strings do you use?'
bada bump
ivy
rod
snip
Here's another
Guy in a store, who has been waiting some time.
"Gimme a pack of strings and a dozen picks please"
Store person.
"So your a musician, right?"
"Yes"
"I thought so. This is a post office."
Tad Da!
--
AAaaargghhh its daylight again, time for bed.
Bye bye
Rod
DONR...@worldnet.att.net
A: One, and five others to say "I can do it better than him".
Christopher J. Capadona
-- How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
-- 12 . . . one two change it and 11 to tell him how they could of done it
-- better. =)
chris.......................
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-When you're goin' down the road feelin' bad, just remember that there's
nothin' left to do but =) =) =) !!!!!
-311 is the bomb !!!!!
-capa...@beast.oca.udayton.edu
-Visit http://beast.oca.udayton.edu
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sat, 19 Jul 1997 i...@teleport.com wrote:
> Date: Sat, 19 Jul 1997 06:34:17 GMT
> From: i...@teleport.com
> Newsgroups: alt.guitar, rec.music.makers.guitar
> Subject: Re: Musician Jokes
Paul B. Moore
What's the quickest way to stop a guitarist?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
>
>-- 12 . . . one two change it and 11 to tell him how they could of
done it
>-- better. =)
>
>chris.......................
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------
>-When you're goin' down the road feelin' bad, just remember that
there's
> nothin' left to do but =) =) =) !!!!!
>
>-311 is the bomb !!!!!
>
>-capa...@flyernet.udayton.edu
>
>-capa...@beast.oca.udayton.edu
>
>-Visit http://beast.oca.udayton.edu
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------
>
DONR...@worldnet.att.net
SEFSTRAT wrote:
>
> How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
>
> None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
>
> Steve
> SEFSTRAT
Clapton and J. Garcia were in a raft, going down the river. Suddenly a
tribe of cannibals took over the craft and took the two guitarists to
their camp. The head of the tribe granted each musician one wish before
they were to be killed. Jerry said, "Please let me play `Truckin'' one
more time." Immediately, Clapton yelled, "For my last wish, please kill
me before he starts"
SEFSTRAT
rod
Possibly the rudest
Why are stomp boxes like a clitoris.
Answers on a postcard.
First correct answer tomorrow wins a squire decal!
Mark Heustis
Q: What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
accordian player in the road?
A: The snake may have been on this way to a gig.
Mark
GeoMac
SEFSTRAT wrote:
>
> How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
>
> None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
>
I thought the answer to that was "One, but nobody will notice anyway"
(except for a certain Stevie)
pH
SEFSTRAT
An accordion player finished an out-of-town gig and stopped for some
coffee on the way home. While he was drinking it he realized that he had
left his accordion in full view on the back seat of the car. He rushed out
of the coffee shop in a panic and discovered that, sure enough, he was too
late: the back window of his car was smashed in and there were three more
accordions on the back seat.
Steve
SEFSTRAT
Joe
Heres one for you all.
What did the topless dancer do to her asshole before she went to
work???? Dropped him off at band practice.
Simon H. Garlick
-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----
Yea, verily on 25 Jul 1997 00:00:26 GMT, did sefs...@aol.com
(SEFSTRAT) write unto us:
LOL!
Okay, some cheesy ones - I'll try and insult the whole band...
Q: how do know a drummer has come to your house?
A: the knocking on the door speeds up.
Q: how do you know a vocalist has come to your house?
A: there is knocking on the WALL. Vocalists never know where to come
in.
Q: what did the bass player get on his music theory exam?
A: drool.
Q: a keyboard player gets laid after a gig - how does he explain it to
his partner?
A: nothing - it's a trick question. Keyboard players NEVER get laid
after the gig.
Q: how many rock guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eleven. One to change the bulb and ten to stand there with their
arms folded, saying "I could've done that."
Q: what's the range of an Ibanez Universe?
A: about 40 metres with a tailwind.
Q: what's the definition of a minor second?
A: two fretless bassists playing in unison.
and the old classic:
Q: how do you get a rock guitarist to turn down on stage?
A: stick a chart in front of him.
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Simon H. Garlick <"simon.garlick" at "pobox.com">
http://www.pobox.com/~shg
PGP Public Key available via above URL, at Public Keyservers, or
finger email address. Key ID 0x68D43361
james taulbee
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
JLT
John
Q: How can you tell a bassist is playing out of key?
A: His fingers are moving
Q: How do you slow down a drummer?
A: Give him sheet music
Q: How do you stop a drummer?
A: Put notes on it.
Q: How can you tell a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in
Q: What's worse than having an accordian in your band?
A: Having two
And the grand finale..........
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
.
.
.
A: None, they have machines to do that now!
Kevin James
In article <19970725000...@ladder02.news.aol.com>,
sefs...@aol.com (SEFSTRAT) wrote:
> An accordion player finished an out-of-town gig and stopped for some
> coffee on the way home. While he was drinking it he realized that he had
> left his accordion in full view on the back seat of the car. He rushed out
> of the coffee shop in a panic and discovered that, sure enough, he was too
> late: the back window of his car was smashed in and there were three more
> accordions on the back seat.
>
> Steve
> SEFSTRAT
LOL!
Good one, Steve.
Kevin
Erik Anderson
Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians all day long?
A: A drummer.
Ivy
That's great! Got any more accordian jokes? A coworker
of mine has played accordian since childhood (to her
shame) and her office is peppered with as much accordian
related lunacy as we can dig up. A series of accordian
jokes would be a nice addition.
Regards, Ivy
i...@teleport.com
Portland, OR
_ _ --- .
_ `. ` - . - \
/ `---._________________) . . . __ \
`. ________________ || || || | | |
`" ) '__'_' '--' /
._ ." - _ _ ."
SEFSTRAT
<<Got any more accordian jokes?>>
In the hands of a skilled musician, an accordian almost rises to the level
of a musical instrument.
SEFSTRAT
SEFSTRAT
Know how to make a million in the music business?
Start with two million.
Steve
SEFSTRAT
Troubleman
Erik Anderson <et...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians all day long?
>A: A drummer.
Q: What do you call his best friend?
A: Bass player
ArcherGuy
> <<Got any more accordian jokes?>>
What's the difference between an onion and an accordian?
Nobody cries when you chop up an accordian.
-Frank
James Fenton
Mark Heustis wrote:
>
> Q: What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
> accordian player in the road?
>
> A: The snake may have been on this way to a gig.
>
There were skid marks in front of the snake!!!
Thirsty Boy
Ivy wrote:
>
> That's great! Got any more accordian jokes? A coworker
> of mine has played accordian since childhood (to her
> shame) and her office is peppered with as much accordian
> related lunacy as we can dig up. A series of accordian
> jokes would be a nice addition.
>
> Regards, Ivy
What's the difference between an accordian and a trampoline?
You don't jump on a trampoline with your shoes on. -TB
Rob Dobson
In article <19970728234...@ladder01.news.aol.com>, sefs...@aol.com (SEFSTRAT) says:
>
><<Got any more accordian jokes?>>
>
>of a musical instrument.
>SEFSTRAT
I recently saw this cheesy movie on HBO. Aliens were infiltrating society
and you couldn't tell because they looked exactly like humans. The only
way to tell who was an alien was to play an accordian because "accordian
music is unlike any sound found in nature". The aliens would writhe in
pain whenever an accordian was played. The climax of the movie had the
four heroes cornering the aliens and advancing on then with their
accordians, er, blazing.
Hey, I'd give it an Oscar...
Stevie Rob
Jeff Mead
In article <33DD2DFF...@teleport.com>, Ivy <i...@teleport.com>
writes
>That's great! Got any more accordian jokes? A coworker
>of mine has played accordian since childhood (to her
>shame) and her office is peppered with as much accordian
>related lunacy as we can dig up. A series of accordian
>jokes would be a nice addition.
>
>Regards, Ivy
>
>Portland, OR
>
Hi Ivy,
Check out my band's web site. We have a whole page of Accordion jokes
plus a few accordion cartoons.
You can find us at:
http://webzone1.co.uk/www/cyderco
--
Jeff Mead
EMail: je...@bayou.demon.co.uk
Not A Speck of Cereal.
Erik Anderson <et...@hotmail.com> wrote:
[] Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians all day long?
[]
[] A: A drummer.
Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless
----
"That's the trouble with you guys who are players. You don't write
anything that you can't play." -- Jerry Goldsmith to Pat Metheny
............................................................
Remove X's from my email address above to reply
chri...@microsoft.com -- Snohomish, WA. -- Studio Ponderous
[These opinions are personal views only and only my personal views]
SEFSTRAT
<<I recently saw this cheesy movie on HBO. Aliens were infiltrating
society
and you couldn't tell because they looked exactly like humans. The only
way to tell who was an alien was to play an accordian because "accordian
music is unlike any sound found in nature". The aliens would writhe in
pain whenever an accordian was played. The climax of the movie had the
four heroes cornering the aliens and advancing on then with their
accordians, er, blazing.
>>
Hmmm. So the aliens react much as many earthlings do when hearing
accordian music.
Steve
SEFSTRAT
Asad Aboobaker
Not A Speck of Cereal.
r.do...@sk.sympatico.ca (Rob Dobson) wrote:
[...]
[] I recently saw this cheesy movie on HBO. Aliens were infiltrating society
[] way to tell who was an alien was to play an accordian because "accordian
[] music is unlike any sound found in nature". The aliens would writhe in
[] pain whenever an accordian was played. The climax of the movie had the
[] four heroes cornering the aliens and advancing on then with their
[] accordians, er, blazing.
I have GOT to know the name of this film!! This is fantastic! You wouldn't
be pulling some stevie-legs, wouldja?
Stevie Speck
Troubleman
r.do...@sk.sympatico.ca (Rob Dobson) wrote:
>In article <19970728234...@ladder01.news.aol.com>, sefs...@aol.com (SEFSTRAT) says:
>>
>><<Got any more accordian jokes?>>
>>
>>In the hands of a skilled musician, an accordian almost rises to the level
>>of a musical instrument.
>>SEFSTRAT
>I recently saw this cheesy movie on HBO. Aliens were infiltrating society
>and you couldn't tell because they looked exactly like humans. The only
>way to tell who was an alien was to play an accordian because "accordian
>music is unlike any sound found in nature". The aliens would writhe in
>pain whenever an accordian was played. The climax of the movie had the
>four heroes cornering the aliens and advancing on then with their
>accordians, er, blazing.
>Hey, I'd give it an Oscar...
>Stevie Rob
I'm confused: how did the alien reaction to accordian music differ
from the typical human response? Four individuals advancing with
blazing accordians strikes me as a Dali version of the apocalypse....
Troubleman
RJClayton
Rob Dobson wrote:
>[] The climax of the movie had the four heroes cornering the >[]aliens
and advancing on then with their accordians, er, blazing.
>
Playing WHAT??? I hope it was "Lady of Spain!" Or maybe something
especially composed for the film, so the songwriter got a little more
royalties.
Maybe there's an alien-detection SONG that can be played whenever you're
among people you suspect of possibly being an alien. So, what song would
YOU play to "detect aliens?"
Bob (I always writhe like this to "Purple Haze," but I'm not an alien --
honest) Clayton
Home of the Songster at <http://members.aol.com/rjclayton/>
If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself!
james taulbee
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Larry Taulbee
_______________________________________
"Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."
_______________________________________
On Tue, 29 Jul 1997, Not A Speck of Cereal. wrote:
> Erik Anderson <et...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> [] Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians all day long?
> []
> [] A: A drummer.
>
> Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
>
> A. Homeless
>
>
Jonathan Krogh
Troubleman <jay...@smart.net> wrote in article
<5rprja$lqu$1...@news.smart.net>...
> r.do...@sk.sympatico.ca (Rob Dobson) wrote:
>
> >In article <19970728234...@ladder01.news.aol.com>,
sefs...@aol.com (SEFSTRAT) says:
> >>
> >><<Got any more accordian jokes?>>
> >>
> >>In the hands of a skilled musician, an accordian almost rises to the
level
> >>of a musical instrument.
> >>SEFSTRAT
>
> >I recently saw this cheesy movie on HBO. Aliens were infiltrating
society
> >and you couldn't tell because they looked exactly like humans. The only
> >way to tell who was an alien was to play an accordian because "accordian
> >music is unlike any sound found in nature". The aliens would writhe in
> >pain whenever an accordian was played. The climax of the movie had the
> >four heroes cornering the aliens and advancing on then with their
> >accordians, er, blazing.
>
> >Hey, I'd give it an Oscar...
>
> >Stevie Rob
>
> I'm confused: how did the alien reaction to accordian music differ
> from the typical human response? Four individuals advancing with
> blazing accordians strikes me as a Dali version of the apocalypse....
>
> Troubleman
>
its like this.....
accordians make humans scream and yell....but in the movie the aliens heads
actually exploded.
John Hurt
> What's the difference between an onion and an accordian?
>
> Nobody cries when you chop up an accordian.
>
> -Frank
What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?
The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.
John
Pigwalk666
In article <01bc9e8d$26a73180$4741...@j-gkrogh.196.3.135.1>, "Jonathan
Krogh" <j-gk...@carib-link.net> writes:
>
>its like this.....
>accordians make humans scream and yell....but in the movie the aliens
heads
>actually exploded.
>
>
Wasn't that on Mars Attacks??
Pigwalk666
Asad Aboobaker
Jomack
>>>No, that was Slim Whitman, not accordian music. Close though...<<<
Slim Whitman. Human accordian.
SEFSTRAT
<<Slim Whitman. Human accordian.>>
I respectfully disagree.
Wile E. Coyote. Now THERE'S a living accordian.
Steve
SEFSTRAT
Andy Makely
What's the difference between a Cello and a Double Bass?
The Double Bass burns longer.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune?
Shoot one.
How can you tell when a trombone player's kids are
on the playground?
They don't know how to use the slide, and they can't swing.
How do you know when there is a soundman at your door?
"Knock one two...knock...knock...one..two...three..four...knock."
What do you call an accordian player with a beeper?
An optimist.
Why do bagpipers walk while playing?
To get away from the noise.
What do you say to a banjo player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
Find the motherlode at http://members.aol.com/mrfrets/fgs/jokes.htm
--
andy makely oo_
...the rendermouse =*=_\_,
inter.logic.studios http://www.ilsnet.com
http://www.mindspring.com/~makely
"Computer animation is not done by the computer any more than
clay animation is created by the clay." -- Craig Good, Pixar
JT Roberts
Andy Makely wrote:
>
> What's the difference between a Cello and a Double Bass?
> The Double Bass burns longer.
>
> How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune?
> Shoot one.
>
> How can you tell when a trombone player's kids are
> on the playground?
> They don't know how to use the slide, and they can't swing.
>
> How do you know when there is a soundman at your door?
> "Knock one two...knock...knock...one..two...three..four...knock."
>
> What do you call an accordian player with a beeper?
> An optimist.
>
> Why do bagpipers walk while playing?
> To get away from the noise.
>
> What do you say to a banjo player in a 3-piece suit?
> "Will the defendant please rise..."
>
ROFLMAO,
Stop, you're killin' me!
JT
SEFSTRAT
What is the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds it, the rest of the world revolves around her.
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his
mouth?
The stage is level.
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the
Grim
Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and
they
both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants
each
musician one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The
first musician says he was a Country Western musician and would like to
hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The
second musician says ``I was a jazz musician...take me now!''
Stevie Steve
SEFSTRAT