Helmet HAIR
Scott C. Sullivan
In a galaxy far, far away, Nappy42 typed:
>How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
>answers.....
>both serious annd funny.
For a moment there, I thought that this might have been
an ad for a "Chia Helmet"!
Brian Claypool
Nappy42 wrote:
>
> How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> answers.....
> both serious annd funny.
Nappy,
Try a REALLY short haircut!
--
Cheers,
Bama Brian
'97 Triumph Thunderbird
A. Sears
Nappy42 wrote:
>
> How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> answers.....
> both serious annd funny.
> Nappy
Keep a hat in the saddlebag.
Nappy42
TrekinCub
Shave it off.
Lynda Fertig
In <19970407012...@ladder01.news.aol.com> nap...@aol.com
Shave your head....hope this helps....Howard
Janice in NYC
On 7 Apr 1997 01:25:05 GMT, nap...@aol.com (Nappy42) wrote:
>How do you minimize helmet hair?
Shave your head?
Lark
On 7 Apr 1997 02:40:38 GMT, llfe...@ix.netcom.com(Lynda Fertig)
wrote:
>In <19970407012...@ladder01.news.aol.com> nap...@aol.com
>(Nappy42) writes:
>>
>>How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
>>answers.....
I paint on a nice thick coat of Nair once a week and it must be
working since I've never seen any hair on my helmet.
But seriously, I never worry about minimizing my hair after a ride, my
helmet does a great job of that.
Lark
Calvin Mah
On Mon, 07 Apr 1997 08:52:04 GMT, Sapp...@moc.cynonni (Janice in NYC)
wrote:
On 7 Apr 1997 01:25:05 GMT, nap...@aol.com (Nappy42) wrote:
>How do you minimize helmet hair?
Shave your head?
I used to carry around a cap until i shafed my head.
calvin
cal...@smartt.com
The Graft Bros.
Nappy42 wrote:
>
> How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> answers.....
> Nappy
only two ways. grow it real long or cut it real short
Devon Hart
Nappy42 wrote:
>
> How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> answers.....
> both serious annd funny.
> Nappy
Back when I had hair, I kept a baseball cap tucked in my jacket. That
was in Texas...appropriate headgear. Now that I'm bald and live in
Connecticut, I keep a wool cap, the kind old, bald men wear forward and
JFK jr. wears backward, in my jacket. Other than a short cropped style
or slicked back, flat there's not much you can do except carry shapoo,
water, brush and blow dryer with you.
Lars
On 7 Apr 1997 01:25:05 GMT, nap...@aol.com (Nappy42) wrote:
>How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
>answers.....
>both serious annd funny.
> Nappy
Shave your head!
Dan Nitschke
Nappy42 wrote:
>
> How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> answers.....
> both serious annd funny.
Ask Ged. He has the answer to this problem.
/* dan: THE Anti-Ged -- Ignorant Yank (tm) #1, none-%er #7 */
Dan Nitschke peDA...@best.com el...@redbrick.com
***************************************************
They call me... *MISTER* Pig! -- Pumbaa
Dave-Id
Lars wrote:
>
> On 7 Apr 1997 01:25:05 GMT, nap...@aol.com (Nappy42) wrote:
>
> >How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> >answers.....
> >both serious annd funny.
>
> Shave your head!
Use yer genuine COBCO POCKET WEASEL! It'll redefine Nappy...
Gml...@scvnet.com
Steve Tuttle wrote:
>
> nap...@aol.com (Nappy42) wrote:
>
> :How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> :answers.....
> :both serious annd funny.
> : Nappy
>
> will agree. You can't beat helmet hair. You just have to get a hat.
No problem, "rugged" is in. If she doesn't like your looks, move on!
pooder, tha's me!
>How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
>answers.....
I recommend a product called "cyanacrolate", available at grocery
stores everywhere. Spread it liberally over your hair, put on your
helmet, and I guarantee you'll have no problems with "helmet hair"
from then on . . . .
pooder was here trying to help
You're welcome.
Janice in NYC
In <19970407012...@ladder01.news.aol.com> nap...@aol.com
(Nappy42) writes:
>
>How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret?
NOJ Enterprises makes a product called the Hairy Rider that has worked
superbly for me for the past six months.
Basically what it is is a detachable scalp made of an impact absorbing
polystyrene neoprene PCV foam that replaces your current one. NOJ
recommends that you send them your existing scalp first so that they
can custom-tailour your Hairy Rider to your exact skull dimensions,
but they will also accept well-worn helmet liners (the disadvantage
being that your new Hairy Rider might not fit you perfectly) and work
with that. You can either opt for NOJ's extensive line of imitation
human hair or have your own hair follicles surgically removed and then
transplanted by NOJ onto the Hairy Rider.
It's a gedsend. Before I bought my Hairy Rider, I was constantly
feeling frustrated on a day to day basis. My grades in school
plummeted. My customers left me embareassingly small tips. All
because of the simple fact that motorbiking in a helmet law state and
my arse-length black hair lived a constantly warring existence. I
tried all the methods: braiding, bunning, tucking my hair down the
front of my blouse, and even drilling a hole in the back of my helmet
so that my hair could wave freely in the wind as I rode down the
trash-littered dung-infested streets of the Bad Apple. But I was
never satisfied, because no matter what I did, my hair always ended up
looking like shite (especially when I utilised that last technique and
came to a stop, my hair would drag along the ground picking up
undesirable sediments or even get caught in my chain). I needed my
hair, but I needed my motorbike also. What could I do?
Then one day my friend Sinead told me about the NOJ Hairy Rider. It
sounded too good to be true, but my skepticism gradually transformed
into satisfaction from the day I received my Hairy Rider shipped right
to my doorstop via Overnight UPS Refrigerated Trailer (at no extra
charge). I no longer have to worry about the dreaded 'helmet head'
when I go to work or walk down the street, but I also don't feel
helpless and frustrated when I ride, either, because when I am in
public display, my Hairy Rider is right there on the top of my
cranium, appearing to be a permanent part of my scalp and looking
perfectly natural. But when I need to put on my helmet and ride, all
I have to do is give my hair a gentle tug and the Hairy Rider comes
right off (but will never do so accidentally thanks to the reliable
and durable Velcro fastening), goes into my purse, and I put my helmet
on over my semiexposed skull. No fiddling with pesky rubber bands or
worrying about any possible structural damage to my helmet from the
hole. No fuss, no muss. And better yet, if I'm in the mood to
display my femininity whilst riding, I can REATTACH my Hairy Rider
right to the top of my helmet (in fact, NOJ even generously includes
an extra Velcro fastening patch just for this purpose)! That way, I
can still have that authentic 'wind in my hair' feeling (especially
important on my Fat Boy). When I arrive at my destination, I just
remove my helmet and reattach the Hairy Rider to my skull and voila! I
become the same lovable, huggable, and killfileable Janice I always
was.
Another great thing about the Hairy Rider is that you can order more
than one, and have different colours or styles or even species of
hair, depending on your mood. For example, my Darryl Hannah replica
Hairy Rider turns me into a dumb blonde, and I have successfully
seduced many men with this version.
Don't let the Hairy Rider's suggested retail price of $495.99 deter
you from taking this excellent product into consideration and to solve
your 'helmet head' problems. The price includes the cost of hair
follicle transplantation, and the quality of build is beyond reproach
(the Hairy Rider can also be ordered with a patented Ziploc sealing
mechanism so that moisture and dirt won't get between your Hairy Rider
and skull membrane and cause a nasty infection). My medical insurance
even covered the running cost of the life support system.
So don't get nappy, get Hairy Rider.
Ed Shanks
Once around the block at a high rate of speed sans helmet should
take care of it. 'Course, now it's blown straight back....
--
Ed Shanks IAFF-L 1176 More alphabet soup
af...@yfn.ysu.edu DoD 2005 Available upon request
Space Cadet
On Tue, 08 Apr 1997 04:58:06 GMT, Sapp...@moc.cynonni (Janice in NYC)
wrote:
>On Mon, 07 Apr 1997 09:36:12 -0700, Dan Nitschke <peDA...@best.com>
>wrote:
>>
>>Ask Ged
>
>
>Me too! <sniff>
>
>This is so sweet! Y'all don't know how it makes me feel when I see
>everybody on my newsgroup set aside all of your juvenile ignorant
>prejudices and agree that skinheads are superior.
>
>It's posts like this that makes all of the mail bombs, all of the
>other people's accounts that have been taken away from me, and all of
>the drivel crossposted here worth it.
>
>Group hug, everybody! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>
sick sick sick. Why don't you just join the lovein over at Dan's
puke. Hey Bonzo Dog, get in here and wake up these lovesick hippies
__ratbikeracing____________________<<<<<<<<-00............
Andy Woodward
>Shave it off.
But dont gouge the helmet or you'll have to replace it.
Janice in NYC
On 6 Apr 1997 23:32:24 -0400, scsu...@mtu.edu (Scott C. Sullivan)
wrote:
>For a moment there, I thought that this might have been
>an ad for a "Chia Helmet"!
You've met Andy Pugh, then?
Janice in NYC
>>
>>On Mon, 07 Apr 1997 15:22:10 GMT, fehre...@aol.com (Lars) wrote:
>>>
>>>On Mon, 07 Apr 1997 12:11:36 -0400, Devon Hart <DHar...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>On Sun, 06 Apr 1997 20:36:07 -0700, Brian Claypool <bama...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>On 7 Apr 1997 03:30:06 GMT, trek...@aol.com (TrekinCub) wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>On 7 Apr 1997 02:40:38 GMT, llfe...@ix.netcom.com(Lynda Fertig) wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>answers.....
>>>>>>>>both serious annd funny.
>>>>>>>> Nappy
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Try a REALLY short haircut!
>>>>
>>>
>>
>>i shafed my head.
Joel Herda
In article <33564802...@news-dnh.mv.net>, s...@hopper.unh.edu (Steve
Tuttle) wrote:
>nap...@aol.com (Nappy42) wrote:
>
>:How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
>:answers.....
>:both serious annd funny.
>: Nappy
>
>I haven't read any of the other replies yet but I'll bet most of them
>will agree. You can't beat helmet hair. You just have to get a hat.
There is always the "Doonesbury" solution:
Never remove your helmet.
HTH!
joel
--
Dave Clark
pooder, tha's me! (poo...@ibm.net) wrote:
: I recommend a product called "cyanacrolate", available at grocery
: stores everywhere. Spread it liberally over your hair, put on your
: helmet, and I guarantee you'll have no problems with "helmet hair"
: from then on . . . .
Hmm, I think as soon as you grab the helmet after getting this
cyanocrylate on your hands you would have problems...
g...@gmartin.demon.co.uk
From: g...@gmartin.demon.co.uk (Ged Martin)
Subject: Re: Helmet HAIR
Date: Tue, 08 Apr 1997 13:08:08 GMT
On Mon, 07 Apr 1997 09:36:12 -0700, Dan Nitschke scribbled:
>>Ask Ged. He has the answer to this problem.
Funny and serious - all in one. Damn, but you're good, Dan.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ged "....a slick, affected, switchblade-flashing, motorcycle freak."
DoD #5088 MAG #90983 UKMC #9 LHFC #1 BOF#005
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dan Nitschke
Ged Martin wrote:
>
> On Mon, 07 Apr 1997 09:36:12 -0700, Dan Nitschke scribbled:
>
> >Ask Ged. He has the answer to this problem.
>
> Funny and serious - all in one. Damn, but you're good, Dan.
That I am. And inimitable and humble, too. To steal the
title from Lex Luger, I'm The Total Package (tm).
[bows to his adoring fans]
/* dan: THE Anti-Ged -- Ignorant Yank (tm) #1, none-%er #7 */
Dan Nitschke -*- peDA...@best.com -*- nits...@redbrick.com
::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::..::
I can see what you're looking to find in the smile on my face;
in my peace of mind, in my state of grace. -- Mark Knopfler
johnny ray
Two words:
Buzz cut.
---johnny "Old age solves the problem anyway" ray
Stig Arne Bye
pooder, tha's me! wrote:
>
> In <19970407012...@ladder01.news.aol.com> nap...@aol.com
> (Nappy42) writes:
>
> >answers.....
>
> stores everywhere. Spread it liberally over your hair, put on your
> helmet, and I guarantee you'll have no problems with "helmet hair"
> from then on . . . .
Hmmm... Well...
I guess you wouldn't need to fasten the chin strap to keep the helmet on
your head after that treatment.
Stig Arne Bye
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Dan Nitschke
> > >answers.....
> > > Nappy
> >
>
> Use yer genuine COBCO POCKET WEASEL! It'll redefine Nappy...
Somebody *does* know what "nappy" means in the UK, yes?
/* dan: THE Anti-Ged -- Ignorant Yank (tm) #1, none-%er #7 */
Dan Nitschke ^ peDA...@best.com ^ nits...@redbrick.com
********************************************************
And this is what he said on his way to Armageddon!
-- Tom Lehrer, "So Long, Mom (I'm Off to Drop the Bomb)"
Janice in NYC
On Tue, 08 Apr 1997 09:44:56 -0400, joe...@tiac.net (Joel Herda)
wrote:
>>I haven't read any of the other replies yet but I'll bet most of them
>>will agree. You can't beat helmet hair. You just have to get a hat.
>
>There is always the "Doonesbury" solution:
>
> Never remove your helmet.
Or the O.j. Simpkins solution:
Remove the head, then you've got nowt to worry about.......
William Corona
In article <335fb051...@news.demon.co.uk>,
Ged Martin <g...@gmartin.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>On Tue, 08 Apr 1997 10:17:34 -0700, Dan Nitschke scribbled:
>
>>Somebody *does* know what "nappy" means in the UK, yes?
>
>
>Although why someone would want to walk around with a diaper on his
>head is beyond me.
What is "one too many scotches?"
What'd I win?
--
William "Wild Bill" Corona RotRotKotL DoD# 1665 Axe Murderer #1
Lead Hrdwr. Tech. wco...@pyramid.com 1992 Suzuki Katana 750 "suzi"
"I'd rather be hunted as a wolf than slaughtered like a sheep..."
"Life is what happens while you're making other plans..."
John Shannon
On Mon, 7 Apr 1997, Devon Hart wrote:
> Nappy42 wrote:
> >
> > How do you minimize helmet hair? What is the secret? Give me your
> > answers.....
> > both serious annd funny.
> > Nappy
>
> Back when I had hair, I kept a baseball cap tucked in my jacket. That
> was in Texas...appropriate headgear. Now that I'm bald and live in
> Connecticut, I keep a wool cap, the kind old, bald men wear forward and
> JFK jr. wears backward, in my jacket. Other than a short cropped style
> or slicked back, flat there's not much you can do except carry shapoo,
> water, brush and blow dryer with you.
***************
>
Most of the time you just live with it...but on occasion when I want to
pop into a fancy restaurant without a serious case of 'nest-head' I wash
down with NO-Rinse Shampoo (I get mine at a local camping store)
You just pour the stuff into your hair, lather then towel off and comb..
only takes a few minutes, doesn't require extra water, and it feels pretty
good. Of course if
you want some fun, just walk into the restaurant with full leathers and
bugs-in-your-teeth smile and sit beside that nice familly of four.
_________________________________________________________
John Shannon, Toronto Canada
YAMAHA XJ750 RL 1984
jsha...@oci.utoronto.ca
Never changed a chain never seen a fish.
__________________________________________________________
William Corona
In article <Pine.SUN.3.91.970409095227.6384D-100000@gc>,
John Shannon <jsha...@oci.utoronto.ca> wrote:
>
>
>On Mon, 7 Apr 1997, Devon Hart wrote:
>
>> Nappy42 wrote:
[snip]
>Most of the time you just live with it...but on occasion when I want to
>pop into a fancy restaurant without a serious case of 'nest-head' I wash
>down with NO-Rinse Shampoo (I get mine at a local camping store)
>You just pour the stuff into your hair, lather then towel off and comb..
>only takes a few minutes, doesn't require extra water, and it feels pretty
>good. Of course if
>you want some fun, just walk into the restaurant with full leathers and
>bugs-in-your-teeth smile and sit beside that nice familly of four.
ObJohnBelushi: "How much for your women?"
Scott C. Sullivan
It had to be done:
Blues Brothers Movie Script
Walking through the Prison.
[Jake is escorted by two Guards down a jail hall.]
Prisoner: Hey!!
In The Parole Office.
Guard One: Well, this is it.
[He opens the door and all three of them enter the room]
7474505B
Guard Two: What wing?
Guard One: Maximum wing, block 9.
Guard Two: Standard release?
Guard One: Parole, 3 out of 5, good behaviour.
Guard Two: Gimme a minute...
[He gets Jake's belongings.]
One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One
soiled.
[Outside view of Elwood pulling up to the jail entrance.]
One black suit jacket. One pair of black suit pants. One hat,
black. One pair of sunglasses. Twenty three dollars and seven
cents. Sign here.
[Jake signs an "X" on the form.]
[Opening Credits start rolling.]
Song: She Caught the Katy (background music)
Jake and Elwood in the Car.
Jake: What's this?
Elwood: What?
Jake: This car. This stupid car. Where's the Cadillac? The
Caddy? Where's the Caddy?
Elwood: The what?
Jake: The Cadillac we used to have. The Blues Mobile!
Elwood: I traded it.
Jake: You traded the Blues Mobile for this?
Elwood: No. For a microphone.
Jake: A microphone? Okay I can see that. Well, what the hell is
this?
Elwood: This was a bargain. I picked it up at the Mount Prospect
City Police auction last spring. It's an old Mount Prospect Police
Car. They were practically giving them away.
Jake: Well, thank you pal, the day I get out of prison, my own
brother picks me up in a police car.
[Fog horn and warning bell sounds.]
Elwood: You don't like it?
Jake: No, I don't like it.
[Elwood drives over a raising draw bridge.]
Jake: Cars got a lot of pick up.
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch
plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks, it was a
model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on
regular gas. Whaddya say? Is it the new Blues Mobile or what?
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.
Outside the Orphanage.
Jake: What are we doing here?
Elwood: You promised you'd visit the penguin the day you got
out.
Jake: Yeah? So, I lied to her.
Elwood: You can't lie to a nun. We gotta go in and visit the
penguin.
Jake: No fucking way!
Inside the Orphanage.
[Jake and Elwood go in and climb the stairs until they reach
a door. Just before Elwood knocks on the door, a voice is
heard from inside.]
Nun: Who is it?
Elwood: Jake and Elwood.
Nun: Come in.
[They go in. The door shuts behind them.]
Nun: Hello boys, nice to see you. Please, have a seat.
[Jack and Elwood sit on seats at back of room.]
No no boys. Come over here in front of me. I want to see your
faces.
[They shuffle up a bit closer.]
The county took a tax assessment of this property last month.
They want five thousand dollars.
Elwood: Doesn't the church have to pay that?
Nun: They would if they were interested in keeping the place, but
they aren't. The Arch Bishop wants to sell this building outright to
the board of Education.
Elwood: What's gonna happen to you?
Nun: I'll be sent to the missions.
Jake: Forget it, five grand; no problem, we'll have it for you in
the morning. Let's go Elwood.
Nun: NO NO! I will not take your filthy stolen money.
Jake: Well then, I guess you're really up shit creek.
[The nun hits Jake on the hand with a ruler.]
Nun: I beg your pardon what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you. You refused to take our money, then
I said ``I guess you're really up shit creek''.
[She hit's him again.]
Elwood: Christ Jake take it easy, man
Nun: Elwood!
[She starts hitting them both as the language deteriorates.]
Elwood: Ah you fat penguin!
[The ruler breaks and the Nun reaches for a sword. Jake and
Elwood go tumbling down the stairs.]
Nun: You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for
you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I
raised to believe in the ten commandments have returned to me as
two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes. Get out! And
don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves.
[She disappears back into her office and the door
mysteriously closes.]
Curtis: Boys, you gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way. Jake!
Elwood!
Jake & Elwood: Curtis!
Curtis: Hey, buy you boys a drink?
Curtis's Kitchen.
Curtis: Boys, things are bad. They're gonna sell this place to the
board of education and I'll be out on the street. That money's
gotta be in the Cook County Assessors office within 11 days.
Jake: They wouldn't turn you out would they?
Curtis: Shit. What's one more old nigger to the board of
education?
Elwood: Curtis, you and the penguin are the the only family we
got. And you're the only one that was ever good to us. Singing
Elmore James tunes and blowing the harp for us down here.
Curtis: Well, the sister was right. You boys could use a little
churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock and catch
Reverend Cleophis. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't wanna listen to no jive ass preacher talking
to me about heaven and hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise! You get to church!
At the Triple Rock Church.
MC: And now, this weeks sermon is from our beloved the
Reverend Cleophis James.
Rev: And now people. And now people. When I woke up this
morning, I heard a disturbing sound. I said, when I woke up this
morning I heard a disturbing sound. What I heard was the
jingle-jangle of a thousand lost souls. And I'm talking about the
souls of all the men and women, departed from this life. Wait a
minute, the Lord says the souls of us here on earth is, secret of
divine life, they'll not find. Because it's too late... too late yeah, too
late for them to ever see again, the light they once chose not to
follow, don't be lost when the time comes. For the day of the
Lord cometh, out of deep in the night.
Amen. Amen.
Song - The Old Landmark (congregation singing
and dancing).
Elwood: Jake, you alright?
[Ray of sunlight shines through the church onto Jake.]
Jake: The band.. (louder) The band..
Rev: Do you see the light?
Jake: (louder) The band!
Rev: Do you see the light?
Elwood: What light?
Rev: Have you seen the light?
Jake: Yes, Yes! Jesus H. god damned bastard Christ, I have
seen the light!
[Jake starts dancing with the others.]
Jake: The band Elwood. The band!
Elwood: The band? ... The band. The band? The band!
Rev: Praise God.
Elwood: And God bless the United States of America.
Jake and Elwood, in their
car.
Song - Soothe me (In the background.)
Jake: We'll put the band back together, do a few gigs, we get
some bread. Bang! Five thousand bucks.
Elwood: Yeah, well, getting the band back together might not be
that easy.
Jake: What're you talking about?
Elwood: They split, they all took straight jobs.
Jake: Yeah so you know where they are. You said you were
gonna keep in touch with them
Elwood: I got a coupla leads, a few phone numbers, but I mean,
how many of them visited or even wrote you huh?
Jake: They're not the kinda guys who write letters. You were
outside, I was inside, you were s'posed to keep in touch with the
band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
Elwood: Well, what was I gonna do? Take away you're only
hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I
took the liberty of bullshitting you, okay?
Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: It wasn't lies, it was just bullshit.
[Jake and Elwood are in the car, and go through a yellow
traffic light. Police lights flash in the rear view mirror.]
Elwood: Shit!
Jake: What?
Elwood: Rollers.
Jake: No?
Elwood: Yeah.
Jake: Shit.
[Elwood pulls over as directed and an officer approaches the
car.]
Elwood: What? What did I do?
Officer Daniel: You failed to stop at a red signal.
Elwood: The light was yellow sir.
Officer Daniel: May I see your license please?
[He takes the license back to the squad car.]
Jake: Goddamnit!
Elwood: Man I haven't been pulled over in six months. I bet
those cops have got SCMODS.
Jake: SCMODS?
Elwood: State, County, Municipal, Offender, Data, System.
[The two officers return to Jake and Elwood's car.]
Officer Daniel: Elwood, we show your license currently under
suspension. Step out of the car please.
[Elwood starts the car and drives off. The officers run back
to their car and follow.]
Jake: First you trade the Caddilac for a microphone, then you lie
to me about the band, now you're gonna put me right back in the
joint.
Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from
God.
Jake: Elwood!
Officer Mount:(into CB) We are in high speed pursuit
northbound on Cortlen Avenue. Black and white 1974 Dodge
sedan with Illinios plates. Request assistance.
[Elwood turns into a parking lot. Officers pursue.]
Elwood: It would be alright if we could just get back on the
expressway.
Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me!
Elwood: Don't yell at me.
Jake: What the hell do you want me to do motorhead?
Elwood: Well, try not to be so negative all the time. Why don't
you offer some constructive criticism?
Jake: You got us into this parking lot pal, so you get us out.
Elwood: You want outta this parking lot? Okay.
Inside shopping mall, ``Toys
R us''.
Shop Lady: Will there be anything else?
Customer: Yes, do you have a Miss Piggy?
[Car speeds through toystore and continues on through the
rest of the mall. Two Squad cars follows, the original and a
backup.]
Jake: Hanson Burgers.
Elwood: Yeah. Lots of space in this mall.
Jake: Disco dancing hair cuts.
Elwood: Yeah.
Elwood: Baby clothes.
Jake: This place has got everything.
Elwood: New Oldsmobiles are in early this year.
Elwood: Pier One Imports.
Backup Officers: Oh Shit!
[Backup squad car lands on it's roof and stops.]
Backup Officer (John Landis): They broke my watch!
[First squad car crashes too.]
[Jake and Elwood escape through a shop window to
outside.]
Officer Mount: I'm gonna catch that sucker, if it's the last thing I
ever do!
Song - Peter Gunn Theme.
Outside Elwoods Place.
Elwood: Nice place, huh?
[Mystery Women blows up the front doors with a rocket
launcher.]
[Jake and Elwood recover and go inside.]
Elwood: Hey Sam... Hey Lloyd, anybody call for me on the
phone?
Lloyd: No, no calls. Some guy left this card. Cop. Said he'd be
back.
Elwood: This here's my brother Jake. He just got outta the joint.
He's gonna be staying with me for a few weeks.
Lloyd: Oh OK..
Old man: Did you get me my cheese whiz, Boy?
[Elwood tosses a can of Cheeze Whiz to the old man.]
Elwoods Room.
Elwood: Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
Jake: How often does the train go by?
Elwood: So often you won't even notice it.
Jake: How you gonna get the band back together, Mr
Hot-Roder? The cops got your name, you address.
Elwood: No, they don't got my address. I falsified my renewal.
Put down 1060 West Addison.
Jake: 1060 West Addison? That's Wrigley Field.
Elwood: I gotta hit the sack.
[notices Jake asleep in his bed.]
Hey you sleaze, my bed!
[Elwood sleeps in a chair.]
The Next Morning..
Mercer: This, gentlemen, is the elegant abode of one Elwood
Blues.
Officer Mount: Thanks for your help Mr Mercer.
Mercer: You know, I kinda liked the Wrigley Field bit.
Officer Mount: Yeah, real cute.
[They enter the building and go to Elwoods door.]
Mercer: Stand back.
[As Mr. Mercer kicks the door in, the Mystery Woman flicks
the switch on her remote control, and the whole building
blows up. Jake and Elwood get up and brush themselves off.]
Elwood: It's almost nine o'clock. We gotta go to work.
Mrs. Torantino's house
Jake: Mrs. Toronto?
Mrs. Torantino: Torantino.
Jake: Ma'am, do you have a Thomas Malone or Louis Marini
living here?
Mrs. Torantino: Not any more they moved out a long time ago.
I don't take in borders, not for a long time.
Elwood: May we come in ma'am?
Mrs. Torantino: Please.
[They enter.]
Jake: Did they leave a forwarding address? A phone number?
Mrs. Torantino: No.
Elwood: Did they live quietly? What were there personal habits?
Mrs. Torantino: They were good boys, but they made a lot of
racket at night. Are you the police?
Elwood: No ma'am. We're musicians.
[They return to the car and prepare to leave. Mrs Torantino
chases them.]
Mrs. Torantino: Mr. Man! Mr. Man! Mr. Man!
Jake: Yes, ma'am?
Mrs. Torantino: They left this card, maybe it help you?
The Holiday Inn (The
Armada Room)
[Murph and the Magic Tones are playing to an almost empty
room.]
Murph: Thank you. Your marvellous. Your marvellous. Thank
you. I'm Murph and these are the Magic tones. Steve 'the colonel'
Cropper, Donald Duck Dunn, Willie `Too Big' Hall and Tom
`Bones' Malone. We'll be back with the Magic Tones for the
Armada Room's two hour disco swing party after this short
break. Til then, don't you go changing.
[They all meet Jake and Elwood at one of the tables.]
Willie: So Jake, you're out, you're free, you're rehabilitated,
what's next what's happening, whatcha gonna do? You got the
money you owe us motherfucker?
Elwood: Look let's just get something straight here. The reason
he got locked in the slammer in the first place was for sticking up
a gas station to cover you guys.
Donald: You're kidding!
Elwood: He pulled that job to pay for the bands room service tab
from that Chiwanous gig in Pols city.
Steve: He did?
Jake: That's right, so I don't wanna hear anymore of this small
change shit.
Elwood: We're putting the band back together.
Jake: You were the backbone. The nerve centre of a great
rhythm and blues band. You can, make that live, breath and jump
again. Murph and the Magic tones? Look at you in those candy
ass monkey suits. And I thought I had it bad in Joliet.
Willie: At least we got a change in clothes sucker, you're wearing
the same shit you had on three years ago.
Donald: Jake ain't lying though. We had a band powerful enough
to turn goat piss into gasoline.
Tom: But we'll never get that fab sound again, not without some
more horns. We'll never get Mr. Fabulous.
Jake: Where is he?
Murph: Forget it. Mr Fabulous is the top Matre 'd at the Chez
Paul. He's pulling down six bills a week.
Steve: Yeah and Matt Murphy up and got himself married.
Elwood: Where is Matt guitar Murphy?
Tom: He opened a soul food restaurant with his old lady on
Maxwell Street, and he took Blue Lou with him.
Willie: You'll never get Matt and Mr Fabulous outta them high
paying gigs.
Jake: Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord. We got an
understanding.
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.
Chez Paul Restaurant
Mr Fabulous: [Talking on the phone]
Mainly French cuisine. No sir, Mayor Daly no longer dines here.
He's dead sir. Private dining rooms are available.
[He sees Jake walk in with Elwood]
Oh no! I thought it was supposed to be five years. Didn't you get
five years?
[Back into the phone]
Ah no sir, not you. And your name sir? Ritsolo for eight at 11:30.
Thank you.
Jake: Mr Fabulous, how marvellous it is to see you. You're
looking younger than ever.
Mr Fabulous: Wait, you guys can't come in here.
Jake: Nonsense my dear fellow, my brother and I have come to
dine to celebrate my early release from the service of the state.
Mr Fabulous: Wait, let's talk outside. Let's have a cup of coffee
outside.
Jake: Why heavens no! We seek a full meal and all the
compliments of the house. Come Elwood let us adjourn ourselves
to the nearest table and overlook this establishments board of
fare.
[They enter the dining room as the phone rings.]
Mr Fabulous: [Into the phone.]
Good evening, Chez Paul.
[Now talking to Jake and Elwood.]
Wait! Hey!
[Into the phone again.]
Ah, sir, would you mind calling back in about five minutes please?
[Jake and Elwood seat themselves at a table. At reception
two customers have missed out on their table.]
Mr. Fabulous: [To the couple who missed out on the table.]
I'm sure we'll have a table for you in just a few minutes.
[Jake and Elwood are ignored until Jake whistles very
loudly.]
Mr Fabulous: [To customers.]
Excuse me, won't you?
Jake: Give us a bottle of your finest champagne, five shrimp
cocktails, and some bread for my brother.
Waiter (Pee Wee Herman): We have a Don Perignon '71 at
$120
Jake: That'll be fine pal.
Mr Fabulous: Come on, seriously you guys, the food here is
really expensive. The soup is fucking ten dollars. Come on let's go
outside. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
Jake: We're putting the band back together.
Mr Fabulous: Forget it. No way.
Elwood: We're on a mission from god.
[Jake and Elwood's food arrives]
Mr Fabulous: Hold it, Hold it. What's this?
Customer: Waiter! Sir! Please, waiter!
Mr Fabulous: Yes sir. How are your salads?
Customer:The salads are fine. It's just that, we'd.. we'd like to
move to another table, away from those two gentlemen.
Mr Fabulous: Why? Have they been disturbing you?
Customer: No. It's just that.. well frankly, they're offensive.
Smelling. I mean they smell bad.
Mr Fabulous: Excuse me sir, I'll see if I can locate another table
for you.
Customer: Thank you.
[Jake and Elwoods wine arrives. The wine waiter attempts to
serve it]
Waiter: Wrong glass, sir.
[Jake moves over to the Customers table]
Jake: How much for the little girl? The women? How much for
the women?
Customer: What?
Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl,
your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your children!
Customer: Matre d'! Matre d'!
Mr Fabulous: [To Jake]
Cut it out. Cut it out. The owners are gonna ask me to call the
cops.
Jake: You wouldn't do that to me would ya man?
Elwood: He just got outta Jolliet, he's on parole. You can't call
the cops on him man.
Jake: We're putting the band back together.
Mr Fabulous: I said no. Absolutely not.
Jake: [To the customer]
Yo! How much for your wife?
[To Mr. Fabulous]
We're putting the band back together. We need ya man, we need
your horn.
Mr Fabulous: I can't, I really can't.
Elwood: We got everybody but Matt guitar Murphy and Blue
Lou and we're getting them next.
Mr Fabulous: No way.
Jake: If you say no, Elwood and I will come here for breakfast,
lunch and dinner every day of the week.
Mr Fabulous: Okay, okay, I'll play. You got me.
[Jake and Elwood leaves. Mr. Fabulous sits down at their
table.]
Customer: Sir? Sir. Sir. Sir! Sir?
Nazi Demonstration
HeadNazi:White Men! White women! The swastika is calling
you. The Jew is using the black as muscle against you. And you
are left there helpless. Well, what are you going to do about it,
whitey? Just sit there? Of course not. You, are going to join with
us. The members of the American, Socialist, White peoples party.
An organisation of decent, law abiding white folk. Just like you.
I pledge allegiance to Adolf Hitler.
Nazis: I pledge allegiance to Adolf Hitler.
Head Nazi: The immortal leader of our race.
Nazis: The immortal leader of our race.
Head Nazi: And to the order for which he stands.
Nazis: And to the order for which he stands.
Head Nazi: One great cause,
Nazis: One great cause,
HeadNazi: Sacred and invincible.
Nazis: Sacred and invincible.
[Jake and Elwood are caught in a traffic jam caused by the
Nazis.]
Jake:[To a patrolling officer] Hey, what's going on?
Officer: Ah, those bums won there court case so their marching
today.
Jake: What bums?
Officer: The fucking Nazi party.
Elwood: Illinios Nazis!
Jake: I hate Illinios Nazis.
Head Nazi: Heil Hitler!
Nazis: Heil Hitler!
[Elwood drives the car up to the bridge and towards the
Nazis]
Head Nazi: Tenhuit!
[Elwood speeds up. The Nazis are forced to jump into the
water below]
Head Nazi: Perpen Fuhrer?
Perpen Fuhrer: Yes Sir!
Head Nazi: Perpen Fuhrer get that cars licence plate number.
We're gonna kill that son of a bitch.
Soul Food Cafe
[Jake and Elwood enter and sit at the counter.]
Aretha:Help you boys?
Elwood:You got any white bread?
Aretha:Yes.
Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread please.
Aretha: You want butter or jam on that toast honey?
Elwood: No ma'am, dry.
Jake: You got any fried chicken?
Aretha: Best damn chicken in the state.
Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
Aretha: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
Elwood: And some dry white toast please.
Aretha: You all want anything to drink with that?
Elwood: No ma'am.
Jake: A Coke.
Aretha: Be up in a minute.
[She goes back to the kitchen]
Aretha: We got two honkies out there dressed like Hacedic
Diamond merchants.
Matt: Say what?
Aretha: They look like they're from the CIA or something.
Matt: What they want to eat?
Aretha: The tall one wants white bread, toast, dry with nothing
on it.
Matt: Elwood!
Aretha: And the other one wants four whole fried chickens and a
Coke.
Matt: And Jake! Shit, the Blues Brothers!
[Matt goes out into the cafe]
Matt: Hi Jake.
Jake: Matt. How you doing?
Matt: Hi Elwood. How ya doing? How was Joliet.
Jake: Oh it was bad. Thursday night they'd serve a wicked
pepper steak.
Matt: Can't be as bad as the cabbage role at the Terra-Phelevo
Penn.
Elwood: Or that oatmeal at the Cook County slammer.
Matt: Well they're all pretty bad.
Jake: Matt, me and Elwood, we're putting the band back
together. We need you and Blue Lou.
Matt: Oh man. Don't talk that way round here. My old lady,
she'll kill me.
Elwood: Ma'am you gotta understand that this is a lot bigger than
any domestic problems you might be experiencing.
Aretha: Matt, what the hell is he talking about?
Matt: Don't get roused sugar.
Aretha: Don't you "Don't get roused sugar" me! Now you not
going back on the road no more, and you ain't playing no more
two bit sleazy dives. You're living with me now, and you're not
gonna go sliding around with you old white hoodlum friends.
Matt: But babe, this is Jake and Elwood. The Blues Brothers.
Aretha: The Blues Brothers! Shit, they still owe you money, fool!
Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if you knew that
what we asking Matt here to do was a holy thing?
Elwood: You see, we're on a mission from God.
Aretha: Don't you blaspheme in here! Don't you blaspheme in
here! Now this is my man and my restaurant and you two are
gonna just walk right out that door, without ya dry white toast,
without ya four fried chickens and without Matt guitar Murphy.
Matt: Now listen to me. I love you, but I'm the man and your the
woman. And I'll make the decisions concerning my life.
Aretha: You better think about what you're saying. You better
think about the consequences of your actions.
Matt: Oh shut up woman!
Song - Think - Sung by Aretha with customers
backing and dancing
[Matt undoes his apron and drops it on the floor as he
leaves]
Matt: Let's boogie.
[Blue Lou looks at them leaving.]
Aretha:[To Blue Lou]
Well, go ahead dammit.
[He leaves.]
Shit!
Curl up and Dye Beauty
Salon.
[No dialogue. "Mystery Woman" is reading the instruction
booklet for the flame thrower she uses later in the movie.]
Ray's Music Exchange
[The band looks around the shop. Elwood finds an electric
toaster and pulls a slice of white bread out of his jacket.]
Ray: Pardon me, but we do have a strict policy concerning the
handling of the instruments. An employee of Ray's Music
Exchange must be present. Now, may I help you?
Jake: Ray, it's me. Joliet Jake. I once rented some column
speakers from you for my band, The Blues Brothers.
Murph: Hey Ray it's me Murph of Murph and the Magic tones.
Remember me? I bought three Fender amps.
Ray: Oh we sell a lot of amplifiers.
Murph: Not like these they were beautiful. Upholstered with
thick red shag.
Ray: Oh right, right. I remember now. As a matter of fact I buy
'em all back for $350 a piece.
Murph: 350? I paid $800 each not six months ago.
Ray: Oh well you know depreciation man.
Jake: Ray we're here to buy stuff. We need pianos, amps, mikes
the works.
[A boy attempts to steal a guitar in the background - Ray
pulls out a pistol and fires into the wall above the boys head]
Ray: Now go on! Git! It breaks my heart, a boy that young goin'
bad.
[Murph notices an electric piano]
Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.
Ray: Ah you have a good eye my man. That's the best in the city
of Chicago.
Jake: How much?
Ray: Two thousand bucks and it's yours. You can take it home
with you. As a matter of fact I'll through the black keys in for free.
Jake: Two thousand for this chunk o'shit? Come on Ray.
Murph: I mean really Ray, it's used, there's no action left in this
keyboard.
[Ray comes out from behind the counter and sits at the
piano]
Ray: Excuse me, I don't think there's anything wrong with the
action on this piano.
Song - Tailfeather - Ray Charles, Blues Brothers
dancing.
Jake: Ok man, we'll take these axes.
Ray: Naturally, and as usual, I gotta take an I-owe-you.
But I Like Smoking Propane
[They pull into a roadside resturaunt, and everyone gets out
of the cars]
Jake: You guys go on inside get yourselves a bite. I've gotta
make a phone call.
Mr Fabulous: Now Jake, does this phone call concern our first
gig?
Jake: Have I ever lied to you?
[Jake and Elwood walk away, towards a pay phone.]
Elwood: What are we gonna do man? We got no gig.
Jake: How much money you got?
Elwood: I got a quarter.
Jake: It's enough for a phone call, come on.
[Jake and Elwood enter the phone booth, together]
Jake: What are you doing Elwood?
Elwood: You said we were gonna make a call.
Jake: I said I was gonna make a call.
Elwood: Who you gonna call Jake?
Jake: Remember Maurie Sline?
Elwood: Sline? The booking agent? What about him?
Jake: Well, he got us some good showcases in the old days. He
got us the Morgan Park, he got us the Tic Tock, I got him laid, he
owes me.
Elwood: Give it a shot.
["Mystery Woman" drives up and attacks phone booth with
flame thrower. There's a gas tank next to the booth labeled
"No Smoking Propane". The explosion launches the phone
booth into the air, with Jake and Elwood in it, and then
smashes to the ground. Car drives off. Coins are scattered all
over the ground from the phone]
Elwood: Hey Jake, there's gotta be at least seven dollars worth
of change here.
Nazi Head Quarters
[Head Nazi is at desk. 2nd Nazi knocks on door]
Head Nazi: Yeah?
2nd Nazi: Sir.
Head Nazi: What'd you find out?
2nd Nazi: Okay. I called a friend at the Motor Vehicle
department. That licence plate is like a rash all over the computer.
The car belongs to a known traffic menace.
Head Nazi: What's his name?
2nd Nazi: His name is Elwood Blues. He's got a record a mile
long. And, he's a catholic.
Head Nazi: Did you get his address?
2nd Nazi: Of course. 1060 West Addison.
Head Nazi: Let's go.
[They drive out to the address, 1060 West Addison. It turns
out to be Wrigley Field, home of the Cubs Baseball Team.].
Head Nazi:[To group]
Anybody with that kind of record is gonna make a mistake. I
want all party members in the tri state district to monitor the city,
county and state police on there CB. Mr. Blues is gonna fuck up.
And when he does, he'd better pray the police get to him before
we do.
Bob's Country Bunker.
[The band is driving along a dark, quiet road.]
Mr Fabulous: Alright man, we've been in this car for three hours
now. Where the hell is this place?
Jake: I told you it would take a little while to get there.
Murph: What's the name of the place?
Jake: Ah.. the name of the place..
[Jake sees a neon sign ahead with the name of a bar on it.]
Jake: is ah... Bob's Country Bunker. Here we are.
Elwood: Bob's Country Bunker?
[They arrive.]
Mr Fabulous: Jake, the sign says "Tonight Only The Good Ole'
Boys"
Jake: Blues Brothers. It should read ``Tonight only the Blues
Brothers triumphant return.'' Must be some kind of mistake. You
guys unload the stuff. Elwood, come with me.
[Jake and Elwood head for the bar.]
Claire: Well now what can I get you boys? Are ya thirsty, ya
hungry, or you just driving through? Maybe you'd like a beer or
something a little harder? Hey, you know we happen to make the
states best pepper steak.
Jake: No thank you ma'am. We may be sucking back a few
beers a little later on. We'll be here all night. You see, we're the
band.
Claire: You are? Oh, gee, that's nice.
[to Bob]
Hey Bob!! This is the band!
Bob: Alright!
Elwood: Er.. what kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got Country, and Western.
Elwood: Jake, are you sure this is the place?
Jake: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. This is the place.
[Bob walks up to them]
Bob: Hi. You the Good Ole' Boys?
Jake: That's us. The rest of the bands out in the parking lot
getting our stuff together.
Bob: Well I'm sure glad to have you boys here. I'm Bob and this
here is my place.
Jake: Well its a beautiful place Bob.
[The rest of the band walks in with the gear.]
Bob: I guess you boys wanna get your steel guitars and
everything set up on the stage don't ya. Claire get over there and
turn those stage lights on and get these boys going up there.
[The lights go on and Lou notices the stage is screened off
with chicken wire.]
Lou: Chicken wire?
[Later on, a good size crowd has gathered and rednecks are
talking and drinking. Elwood has a song list with requests on
it.]
Elwood: Man, I don't think we know any of the songs on this list.
Jake: Oh this list doesn't mean anything, they're just requests.
We're a regular set.
Murph: Gimme some lovin. 1, 2...
Jake: 1, 2, 3, 4.
Elwood: Good evening ladies and gentlemen we're sure glad to
be here in Cocomo tonight. We're the Good Ole' Blues Brothers,
boys, band from Chicago. I sure hope you like our show. I'm
Elwood, this here's my brother Jake.
Song - Gimme some Lovin. (only the start of it)
[The crowd start yelling at the band and hurling bottles at
the stage like crazy. There's a shower of glass smashing
against the chicken wire.]
Bob:[In a back room.]
That ain't no Hank Williams song.
[He comes out and switches the stage lights off.]
Murph: I think you hit the lights!
Willie: Maybe they blew a fuse?
Lou: I don't think so man. Those lights are off on purpose.
Elwood: Okay. We gotta figure out something these people like
and fast.
Murph: Hey I got it. Remember the theme from Rawhide?
Elwood: The old favourite. Rowdy Yates.
Murph: What key?
Donald: A. Blues country key.
Elwood: Rawhide in A.
Song - Theme from Rawhide.
[The crowd is passified, the lights come back on. They finish
the song.]
Elwood: Theme from the TV show Rawhide. Thankyou.
Jake: Now we'd like to do a favourite of the horn section. We
hope it's one of yours.
Song - Stand by your man.
Jake: Well folks it's time to call it a night. Do what you feel and
keep both feet on the wheel. You don't have to go home but you
can't stay here. So till next time..
Song - Theme from Rawhide - (Closing Only)
Jake: [To the band.]
Let's get the hell outta here.
[They start packing up, Bob approaches Jake and Elwood.]
Bob: Shit I'm gonna tell you boys that's some of the best
goddamn music we've had in the Country Bunker in a long time.
Elwood: Well uh.. sorry we couldn't remember the Rackety Ole
97.
Bob: Oh, well, hell you guys can learn it next time well ya come
back.
Jake: Bob, about our money for tonight.
Bob: That's right. Uh $200, and you boys drank $300 worth of
beer.
Elwood: Uh, well, like, when we first come in the bar lady never
charged us for the first round so like we figured you know beer
was like complimentary for the band, you know.
Bob: Uh, hu hu, Uh-Uh.
[Bob shakes his head.]
Jake: Well, I'll just go and take up a collection from the boys.
Bob: Well, I tell ya, I sure would appreciate it.
[Jake and Elwood head out to the cars. The band are talking
about the gig.]
Willie: I say this trip is no where man. I say we gotta quit.
Murph: What? Quit? Well I wish you guys would make up your
mind. Otherwise I've gotta call Mr. Ronzinni at the Holiday in and
get our old gig back.
Steve: Back at the Armada room?
Jake: [Approaches the band.]
Listen. They want us to pay for the beer we drank, so you guys
better split. The next gig is gonna be dynamite, huge, you'll see.
Willie: I say we give the Blues Brothers just one more chance.
Donald: Why not? If the shit fits, wear it.
[Getting into he car]
Scoot over goddammit.
[The band leaves]
Elwood: The boys look a little upset. Hey man, don't worry, we
got a coupla days. We'll get the penguins tax money. I mean look,
we got an appointment to see Mr. Sline tomorrow. Everything's
gonna be alright. Let's skate.
[An RV pulls into the parking lot.]
Jake: Goddammit.
[Jake and Elwood walk towards the RV as the Good Ole
Boys are getting out]
Jake: Excuse me gentlemen are you the Good Ole Boys?
Leader: Yeah, that's right, I'm Tucker McElroy, lead singer,
driver of the Winnebago. Listen I'd like to talk to you son but
were running very late.
Jake:
[Jake holds up a crunched cigarette packet very quickly as
though it were an ID bage of some kind]
My name is Jacob Stein, the American Federation of Musicians
Union local 200. I've been sent here to see if you gentlemen are
carrying your permits.
Leader: Our what?
Jake: Your Union cards. May I see your cards please?
Leader: S'pose we ain't got no union cards and we go in there
and start playing anyway. Now what you gonna do about that?
You gonna stop us? Stein? You're gonna look pretty funny trying
to eat corn on the cob with no fucking teeth.
Jake: Listen, let me talk to Bob, the owner, see if we can put
your band on contract waivers for tonight. I don't want you to
move from this spot. Just let me handle this.
Elwood: We'll uh.. we'll talk to Bob.
[Jake and Elwood slowly retreat as Bob comes out to the
parking lot]
Jake: Get in the car and start her up.
[Elwood goes to the car, Jake goes over to Bob]
Bob: You know you boys owe me a lot over money for that beer
you drank tonight goddammit.
Jake: Bob, we loved playing here tonight. My brother's writing
out an American Express travellers cheque to cover the extensive
bar tab.
Bob: Well, I sure would appreciate it.
Jake: I'd better check up, see how he's doing, see I have to sign
it too. I usually sit in the car and write it out on the glove
compartment lid. Okay?
[Jake walks towards the car and feels his jacket pockets.]
Jake: Need a Pencil!
[Jake gets in the car, Elwood starts it and they drive off. The
Good Ole boys rush over to Bob]
Leader: Were them guys from the union?
Bob: Union? What the hell union. Those boys skipped outta here
owing me a lot of money for beer.
[notices their costumes]
What the hell are you guys all dressed up for?
Leader: We're the Good Ole Boys!
Bob: You're the Good Ole Boys!
[Jake and Elwood are in the blues mobile - Bob and Good
Ole Boys in the Winnebago following in the distance]
Leader: Shit.
[Bob fires a shot through there back windshield]
Elwood: Our lady of blessed acceleration don't fail me now.
[Behind a billboard two troopers, Daniel and Mount, have set
up a road watch. Jake and Elwood drive by. (This is the "See
You Next Wednesday" billboard)]
Trooper Daniel: I don't believe it. It's that shit-box dodge again.
Trooper Mount: Bastards are ours now.
[Squad car pulls out with sirens blaring and lights flashing,
but crashes into the pursuant Winnebago. The RV does a roll
and knocks over a fire hydrant. They all climb out of
wreckage. The troopers pull gun on the Good Ole Boys]
Trooper Daniel: Boys, you're in big trouble.
Sauna Scene
[Jake, Elwood and Mr. Sline in a sauna]
Jake: Maurie, you owe me. We'll play anywhere, anytime for
anybody.
Elwood: Put us in the Double Up Lounge or the Morgan Park
Theatre, or the Crystal. We always knock them dead in those
joints.
Maurie: I don't know boys. I just don't know. Times have
changed you know what I mean. What are you guys gonna do?
The same act? Wearing the same fracuctus (???) suits. You'll
scare people away. Don't you guys ever wear blue jeans or
jumpsuits like Wayne Cochran or CC riders?
Jake: Maurie, you gotta come through for us. We need 5000
bucks fast.
Maurie: 5000 bucks? Who do you think you are? The Beatles?
Hey, you know the size of hall you gotta work to take in that
kinda money, huh?
Jake: We'll fill any hall in the country.
Maurie: You guys familiar with the Palace Hotel Ballroom?
Jake: Never heard of it.
Maurie: Nice place up north. Built in the 40's on Lake
Wazzapamani. That seats 5000. You guys fill that place, you can
make 5000 bucks easy.
Jake: Book us for tomorrow night.
Maurie: Hold it, hold it. Tomorrow night? What are ya talking
about? A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.
Elwood: I know about that stuff, I've been exploited all my life.
Maurie: Uh Forget it, there's no way with you guys forget about
it.
Jake: Say uh, hows Mrs. Sline? I might have some information
she'd like to know.
Maurie: You blackmailing me Jake?
Jake: If you want to put it that way. Maurie we need this gig!
Elwood: We're on a mission from God!
Jake: You get us the hall Maurie and I guarantee we'll pack 'em
in from miles around. Whaddya say?
Maurie: Okay. I'll get ya the Palace Hotel. I'll print up showbills,
I'll make the place look real pretty okay? I don't think you guys
are gonna gross dollar one, but if you do, I want a taste of the gig,
okay?
Jake: Okay. Let's go boys.
[Camera angle goes wide to show the whole band were also
in the sauna. They get up and leave]
Cutris talks to the kids at the
orphanage
Curtis: Listen, you boys heard me talk about Jake and Elwood.
Well now they used to live here just like you. And I used to sing
to them just like with you. Tonight, Jake and Elwood are going
out to sing and play to raise the money to help you children. Your
lazy butts are in this too. So get up on that wagon. We're goin' up
north to put the word to the streets.
[Jake and Elwood have attached a giant megaphone to the
roof of their car and are driving around town to advertise the
gig.]
Elwood: Tonight only, the fabulous Blues Brothers. Rhythm and
Blues review. The Palace Hotel Ballroom. Route 16. Lake
Wazzapamani. The fabulous Blues Brothers show band and
review.
Kids: Check it out, check it out. Tonight only from Chicago the
Blues Brothers rhythm and Blues review. One night only, the
fabulous...
Elwood:...Blues Brothers show band, and review. You, on the
motorcycle!...You two girls, tell your friends.
Jake: [To Elwood]
free parking.
Elwood: Free parking. 2 dollar cover charge only folks. That's a
lot of entertainment.
Jake: [To Elwood again]
for two dollars.
Elwood: for two dollars.
Little Kid: [Speaking to Aretha at the Soul Food Cafe]
Will you please put this in the window lady cos it's real important?
Elwood: Tonight only. From Chicago. the fabulous Blues
Brothers rhythm and blues review for your dancing pleasure...
[Lots of pretty women walking along the lake front
...and it's ladies night tonight at the Palace Hotel Ballroom.
[In a men's room, written on the wall...
Tucker McElroy: Tonight only the Blues Brothers genuine
rhythm and Blues review. Place Hotel Ballroom tonight only.
Elwood: How we doing?
Jake: Well so far we've covered Lake, McHenry and part of
Page(??) County.
Elwood: Good, let's get to the gig.
[The car chokes and splutters]
Jake: What is it?
Elwood: We're outta gas.
Jake: Oh shit.
Palace Hotel Ballroom
Murph: Oh a classic. What a room. This place is gonna swing
tonight.
Mr Fabulous: It's a fucking barn. We'll never fill it.
Curtis: We've gotta fill this hall tonight. A lot of young children
are depending on it.
Steve: Young children? Why, whaddya mean?
Gas Station
Owner: We're outta gas.
Elwood:Yep, mind if we fill er up?
Owner: Nope. I said we're outta gas. Tanker trucks late.
Shoulda been here two hours ago. It's always late on Thursdays.
Elwood: Well uh... I'll guess we'll have to wait.
Owner: Yeah.
[A sports car with a blond female driver (Twiggy) pulls up to
the station]
Blonde: [To Elwood.]
Excuse me sir, yes you, could you fill it up with premium please
and check under the hood.
[Elwood, stuffing his jacket full of five-finger discount fan
belts, looks at the blonde and points to himself as if to say
"Who me?"]
Blonde: Yes, you!
Elwood: Sure.. you uh want I should uh.. wash the dead bugs of
the windshield?
Blonde: Oh no don't worry. I'm in kind of a hurry.
[Back at the Palace Hotel.]
Curtis: Where in the hell are they?
[Back to the Gas Station.]
Elwood: So uh.. maybe you'd like to uh come by and see the
show?
Blonde:Oh, I'm awfully sorry, but I do have a prior dinner
engagement.
[The tanker pulls in.]
[Cut to Police Station...Someone hands in a flyer with for the
gig.]
Mr Mercer: Thanks Marvin.
[reads the poster, talks into the phone]
Debbie, get me troopers Daniel and Mount.
[Cut to Palace Hotel Ballroom. Bob and The Good Ole Boys
are in the audience carrying baseball bats.]
Bob: I don't see those Blues Brothers.
Tucker:We'll wait.
[Meanwhile, back at the gas station.]
Elwood: Okay, you're all set. That'll be... 94 dollars.
Blonde: Here's $95. Thank you Elwood.
Elwood: Okay and uh.. that's a dollar change.
Blonde: Oh, keep the change.
Elwood: Oh thanks. Uh.. so look uh, if you're date don't work
out tonight for any reason uh, there's a motel up on the interstate,
uh maybe we could say uh meet.. around uh midnight?
Blonde: I'll think about it Elwood, okay?
Elwood: Yeah. Bye.
[She drives off. Jake looks at his watch and realises the time
(Note the prison scene when Jakes possesions are being
returned...the watch is broken!)]
Jake: Son of a bitch.
[He hits Elwood]
Come on!
Elwood: Owww!
[Back in the Palace Hotel Ballroom, the audience is
becoming impatient.]
Willie: I always liked to perform for angry mobs.
Curtis: Can't quit now.
Murph: What can they be doing?
[Jake and Elwood park the car in a storm drain tunnel near
the ballroom]
Jake: Oh. My head hurts. That nitrates a mean wine.
Elwood:You'd better get right pal, we've got a show to do. Then
we gotta figure out some way to collect the gate money and get it
to the Cook county Assessors office, as soon as they open in the
morning.
[Back at the Palace Hotel Ballroom again]
Audience: [Chanting]
We want the show... We want the show.. We want the show..
Mr Fabulous: Gentlemen, I'm leaving.
Willie: Damm. We were so close.
Curtis: Hey, you guys know Minnie the Moocher?
Murph: I knew a hooker once named Minnie Mizola?
Curtis: No, the song Minnie the Moocher.
Steve: Yeah. So what?
Curtis: Hit it.
Song - Minnie the Moocher - Curtis (Cab
Calloway)
[Throughout the song, Jake and Elwood sneak up to the
hotel. They come across the Winnebago. Elwood enters and
glues down the accelerator.]
Elwood: This is glue. Strong stuff!
[The song ends. Police officers arrive in the audience.]
Trooper Daniel: Okay. Let's take them.
Mr. Mercer: Now wait a minute. We haven't even heard these
boys sing. Alright?
Trooper Daniel: Alright. They're not going no place.
Mr Mercer: Alright. Cover all exits. Let's go. Come on hurry
up. Move it.
[Meanwhile, Jake and Elwood get into the Ballroom through
the ladies room amongst lot's of screaming.]
Elwood: Excuse us.
Jake: Good evening ladies.
[In the audience]
Mr Mercer:[To Troopers]
Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip?
[to a nearby officer]
Three orange whips.
Jake and Elwood Make an
Entrance
[On stage, Curtis spots Jake and Elwood and gets the all
clear to start the intro.]
Curtis: And now ladies and gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure
of the management to present to you, the evening's star attraction.
Here they are back after their exclusive three year tour of Europe,
Scandinavia and the sub continent. Won't you welcome from
Calumet City Illinios, the show band of Joliet Jake and Elwood
Blues.. The Blues Brothers.
[Jake and Elwood enter the stage during the brass section of
the intro music, and and Jake does a cartwheel and lands
besides Elwood right on cue with the last beat of the
song...the audience is deathly quiet.]
Jake: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.
[Bands starts playing "Everybody needs somebody to love"]
Elwood: We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here
tonight. We would especially like to welcome all the
representatives of Illinios' law enforcement community who have
chosen to join us here at the Place Hotel Ballroom at this time.
We certainly hope you all enjoy the show and remember people
that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and
survive, there's still some things that make us all the same. You,
me, them everybody, everybody.
Song - Everybody Needs Somebody to Love.
Jake: Thank you. That was for Wilson Picket. This is dedicated
to the late great magic sound.
Song - Sweet Home Chicago
The Great Escape
[Half way through the ``Sweet Home Chicago'', Jake and
Elwood go off back stage. They are met there by a record
agent]
Jake: It looks like the Mafia is out there.
Agent: You guys are great. I've gotta record you.
Jake: Bullshit!
Agent: Bullshit? I don't bullshit. I'm president of Clarion records
the largest recording company on the eastern sea board.
Jake: So what?
Agent: Here's 10,000 dollars. An advance on your first
recording session.
[he hands over the cash]
Is it a deal?
Jake: Yeah, sure it's a deal.
Elwood: Yeah, yeah, sure.. sure it's a deal. Ah listen all these
cops out here, they're sorta waiting for us. We gotta get outta
here without nobody seeing us. Do you know a back door outta
this place?
Agent: Sure. I used to be head bouncer here back in the 70's.
There's an electrical service duct right behind your drummers
riser.
Jake: Listen, do us a favour. Take 1400 dollars and give it to
Rays Music Exchange in Calumed city. Give the rest to the band.
Agent: You got it.
Jake: Thanks. Bye.
Elwood: Bye.
Agent: Bye.
[Jake and Elwood crawl on to the stage and get into the
service duct. Jake get's Willies attention]
Jake: Me and Elwood are gonna make a break for it. You and
the band keep playing.
[In the audience]
Trooper Daniel: Something's wrong.
Mr Mercer: Where's Jake?
Tucker:[To Good Ole Boys]
Where'd those Blues Brothers go?
In the Sewer
Elwood: I sure hope this thing leads some place.
Jake: Elwood. We're gone man.
[The "Mystery Woman" loosens off a round of machine gun
fire. They hit the ground]
Elwood: Who is that girl?
Woman: Well Jake. You like just fine down there, slithering in
the mud like vermin.
Jake:[To Elwood]
No problem.
Woman: You're not gonna get away from me this time.
[she fires again... still missing them]
[In the ballroom, Mr Mercer hears the gunshots]
Mr Mercer:[To officers]
Check that out. Let's go. Come on.
[Back in the sewer]
Jake:[To Woman]
It's good to see you sweetheart.
Woman: You contemptible pig. I remained celebate for you. I
stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting in celibacy for you, with
300 friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best
Romanian caterer in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for
the wedding party my father used up his last favours with Mad
Pete Trollo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my
father, my uncle and for the common good, I must now kill you
and your brother.
[Jake gets up and slowly walks towards her.]
Jake:[Falling to his knees before her]
Oh please don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I
love ya baby, I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.
Women: You miserable slug. You think you can talk you're way
out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No, I didn't. Honest. I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I
didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back
from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town.
Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood,
locust's. It wasn't my fault!! I swear to God!!
Woman: Oh Jake, Jake, honey.
[Jake embraces her in a passionate kiss, then drops her in the
mud.]
Jake:[To Elwood]
Let's go.
Elwood:[To the Woman]
Take it easy.
[They run down the passage to the car. She follows in the
distance.]
Elwood: It's a 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it!
[The Woman runs out of the duct and fires at the moving car.
The policemen above hear the shots and also start shooting
at the car.]
The Great Car Chase!
[Jake and Elwood are in front in their car. About 50 or so
squad cars and the Good Ole Boys Winnebago is following.]
[In the Winnebago.]
Bob: Shit man! Can't this damm thing go any faster than this?
Tucker: Ah, Bob, I think I got a little problem.
Bob: Goddamn boy!
[They accelerate past all cars including Jake and Elwoods.]
Tucker: Shit!
All: Argh!!!
[The van drives off the highway, through a shed and into the
water.]
Tucker:[To Bob]
Don't you say a fucking word.
[View of Blonde waiting at motel]
[The sun starts to rise.]
[Cut to Police Station - Chicago.]
Radioer: All units we have a signal ten seven niner, officers are in
pursuit a black and white, 1974 dodge sedan southbound on
four-seven. Responds to signal ten seven niner. Occupants of
vehicle on Joliet Jake Blues, one Elwood Blues. Consider them
extremely dangerous.
[In Nazi Head Quarters, the head Nazi hears police radio
broadcast].
Head Nazi: Perpen-Fuhrer!
[Jake and Elwood's Car.]
Elwood: Hey, Jake, Jake, I gotta pull over.
[Head Squad Car.]
Trooper Mount: South bound on state highway 4 7.
[Elwood drives down an embankment, squad cars follow and
all crash. Head Squad car recovers and steers out of control,
goes flying up the embankment which acts as a ramp...the
police car flies through the air and lands in the side of a
truck.]
Mr Mercer: Hi. Wanna hand me the mike? Thanks a lot.
[Into the mike]
Hi, this is car, ah...what number are we?
Officer Mount: Five, Five.
Mr Mercer:[Into the mike]
Car fifty five. Ah, we're in a truck!
[Back at the Chicago Police Station.]
Radioer: Signal ten seven niner still engaged. Vehicle travelling
south bound. Approaching Chicago city limits. Commander
advisers will contact Chicago precincts for a local intercept.
Maintain pursuit.
[hundreds of officers merge on the city]
Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues
Brothers has been approved.
[Jake and Elwood make it to Chicago.]
Elwood: Well this is definitely Lower Wacker drive. If my
estimations are correct, we should be very close to the
honourable Richard J. Daly plaza.
Jake: That's were they got that Picasso.
Elwood: Yep.
[They drive on, being chased by Chicago squad cars. Elwood
swerves to miss a car, the squad cars don't and all crash into
one another - (Listen for the ``They broke my watch!'')]
Officer: Son of a bitch.
[starts firing, other officers follow suit.]
[Jake and Elwood escape.]
[Two Nazi cars hide in an alley way. Jake and Elwood drive
past.]
Head Nazi: There they are.
[The Nazi cars pursues Jake and Elwood.]
[A loud clunk is heard in Jake and Elwood's car.]
Elwood: Oh no!
Jake: What the fuck was that?
Elwood: The motor. Thrown a rod.
Jake: Is that serious?
Elwood: Yep.
[They drive up a bridge through the smoke coming from their
motor. One of the Nazi cars stop at the head of the bridge.]
Head Nazi: Faster!
[At the last minute they see the end of an unfinished bridge.
Elwood stops the car and then it backflips over the chasing
Nazi car.]
Nazi: Holy shit!
[The Nazi car continues to accelerate and launches off the
bridge]
Nazi: I've always loved you.
[They crash into the street making a big hole. Jake and
Elwood's car jumps the hole, the pursuing Nazi car falls into
it.]
Jake:[Points to a building]
There it is.
[Elwood parks the car just outside the door. They get out
and the car falls to bits. Elwood stares at in disbelief]
Jake:[Hitting Elwood]
Come on!
Richard J. Daley Plaza
[They enter the building, close the doors and pile furniture in
front of them. They then run up to an information counter]
Elwood:[To an officer at the information desk]
Sir. Where's the Office of the Assessor of Cook County?
Officer: Down the hall, turn right, take the elevator to 1102.
Elwood: Thank you sir.
[Jake and Elwood race off. Outside thousands of people are
trying to get in. Jake and Elwood enter the elevator. A squad
of people eventually get into the building and race up to the
information desk.]
Squad leader: Excuse me, did you see two guys come in here,
black suits black hats one carrying a briefcase?
Officer: Yeah, I just sent them down there.
Squad Leader: Thank you.
[The squad races towards the elevator and then up the
stairs]
[Jake and Elwood make it to the right floor.]
Elwood: Hold the door.
[Jake steps in front of the door. Elwood destroys the
elevators controls].
Elwood: Let's go.
[They make their way towards the officer. Stacking furniture
in front of each door. They arrive at the office to a sign
``Back in Five minutes''. They wait until someone in the office
approaches them.]
Assessor (Steven Spielberg): May I help you?
Jake: This is where they pay the taxes, right?
Assessor: Right.
Elwood: This money is for the years assessment on the St. Helen
of the Blessed Shroud orphanage in Calumed city, Illinios.
Jake: 5000 bucks, it's all there pal.
[The squad approaches the right floor but the door is
blocked.]
Officer: Stand back... fire!
[They open fire on the door.]
Assessor: And here is your receipt.
[The squad catches up with Jake and Elwood and cuff them]
Jail (Mess Hall)
[The whole band is on a stage in the jail]
Song - Jailhouse Rock - (Sung by the Band and the
Cast)
[Closing Credits roll]
Thomas Keener
g...@gmartin.demon.co.uk (Ged Martin) wrote:
>On Tue, 08 Apr 1997 10:17:34 -0700, Dan Nitschke scribbled:
>>Somebody *does* know what "nappy" means in the UK, yes?
>It's what you lot call a diaper.
>Although why someone would want to walk around with a diaper on his
>head is beyond me.
Religious reasons.
--
Tom Keener keen...@cts.com
'91 ST1100 -the Silver Surfer
We don' need no steenkin' numbers.
James or Deborah Rice
Very short hair, carry a hat, and ride with other bikers, probably
somebody will look worse than you (or at least you'll make someone
else feel better)
I also wear a pin that says Hairdo by Honda.
I use a helmet liner, I don't think it helps my hair, but it does
keep my head from itching.
William Corona
Brian Claypool
Janice in NYC wrote:
>
> In <19970407012...@ladder01.news.aol.com> nap...@aol.com
> (Nappy42) writes:
> >
>
> superbly for me for the past six months.
>
> Basically what it is is a detachable scalp made of an impact absorbing
> polystyrene neoprene PCV foam that replaces your current one. NOJ
> recommends that you send them your existing scalp first so that they
> can custom-tailour your Hairy Rider to your exact skull dimensions,
> but they will also accept well-worn helmet liners (the disadvantage
> being that your new Hairy Rider might not fit you perfectly) and work
> with that. You can either opt for NOJ's extensive line of imitation
> human hair or have your own hair follicles surgically removed and then
> transplanted by NOJ onto the Hairy Rider.
>
> It's a gedsend. Before I bought my Hairy Rider, I was constantly
> feeling frustrated on a day to day basis. My grades in school
> plummeted. My customers left me embareassingly small tips. All
> because of the simple fact that motorbiking in a helmet law state and
> my arse-length black hair lived a constantly warring existence. I
> tried all the methods: braiding, bunning, tucking my hair down the
> front of my blouse, and even drilling a hole in the back of my helmet
> so that my hair could wave freely in the wind as I rode down the
> trash-littered dung-infested streets of the Bad Apple. But I was
> never satisfied, because no matter what I did, my hair always ended up
> looking like shite (especially when I utilised that last technique and
> came to a stop, my hair would drag along the ground picking up
>
>
Janice,
You wouldn't have needed the Hairy Rider system if you'd had more
than the one long hair.
=8-P
--
Cheers,
Bama (as Bill Cosby once said, I'm growing hair now in places
where I don't need hair!) Brian
'97 Triumph Thunderbird
phl...@aol.com
I use bandanas under my helmet as a helmet liner. It packs all the hair down evenly, instead of leaving the outlines of my helmet inserts. Not only does all my hair lay flat evenly, but it helps in
the very hot weather here in Vegas. It absorbs the sweat, and gives a little air room between me and the helmet, without the helmet absorbing all the sweat. I have to change bandanas almost daily,
but it sure beats a really nasty smelling helmet.
Nelson
97 HD 1200S