bathroom humor
Stupendous Man
------------------
>
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to soil yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from
the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from
the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction
of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies
fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will
be able to relate, I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I
simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This,
of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG
mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no
longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards
the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it
before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john. One
poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly
said, 'Holy Cow'!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly
left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up
to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I
was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. Those idiots claim they're going to have to
repaint the store.
Signed,
Walt
mayner
wrote:
OK, you got me with that one. Maybe a little too long but darn funny.
Does laughing at this make me look bad? ;-)
.p.jm.@see_my_sig_for_address.com
wrote:
>of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies
>fired a warning shot.
>
>
>There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
How appropriate :-). However, you're supposed to BUY stains,
not make your own :-)
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Gaidheal
> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
> referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at
> the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from
> the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
> bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into
> the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction
> of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies
> fired a warning shot.
Why do poor innocent "chillies" always get all the blame for the gas
and smell?
Sure, any undigested capsaicin in chiles will cause a "burning"
sensation as it exits the anus, but that don't cause the explosive
flatulence and diarrhea.
Most people who make "home made" Texas style "chili" don't start with
fresh chiles anyway, they use dried chile powder which is all ground
up and the digestive system has no problem with it.
Now, if a knowledgeble "chili" maker did happen to start with some
*fresh* chile peppers, he would know to *scorch and sweat* the
undigestible cellulose *skin* off the pepper before chopping it up.
Some ignorant types of "chili" do have large chunks of chile pepper
floating in the mix, but most chiles are pureed in a blender and then
the chile and spice mixture is returned to a skillet for sauteeing
down to the desired consistency
before adding it to the meat and beans..
The horrible *stink* of a fart is mainly caused by the digestion of
the *meat* used in the "chili" and the large quantities of gas causing
the discomfort comes from the
*beans* which could not be digested in the stomach, so they continue
to digest in the lower intestine.
Onions and garlic add to the production of gas. Spices like cumin and
epazote
counteract the production of gas. Soaking the beans overnight also
reduces gas formation, as does cooking the beans in the liquor left
over from cooking a previous batch of beans.
If a gassy beverage like beer or soda pop was consumed with the
"chili" that just adds to the gas pressure in the lower intestine and
finally contributes to the explosive defecation.
So don't blame the poor innocent "chillies".
Outback Jon
> So don't blame the poor innocent "chillies".
Didn't one of your ancestors invent chili?
--
"Outback" Jon - KC2BNE
outba...@g.no.sp.am.mail.com
http://folding.stanford.edu - got folding? Team 32
2006 ZG1000A Concours "Blueline" COG# 7385 CDA# 0157
.p.jm.@see_my_sig_for_address.com
<tea...@ver.no.sp.am.izon.net> wrote:
>Gaidheal wrote:
>> So don't blame the poor innocent "chillies".
>
>Didn't one of your ancestors invent chili?
One of his ancestors WAS a chili :-)
S'mee
Hey wiki thief...FOAD then rot in a gutter.
S'mee
> Gaidheal wrote:
> > So don't blame the poor innocent "chillies".
>
> Didn't one of your ancestors invent chili?
No, but I hear his ancestors did invent stupidity, ignorance and sheep
buggery.
S'mee
> On Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:30:03 -0500, Outback Jon
>
> >Gaidheal wrote:
> >> So don't blame the poor innocent "chillies".
>
> >Didn't one of your ancestors invent chili?
>
> One of his ancestors WAS a chili :-)
I doubt that! Chili's are smart intelligent and spicey. His ancestors
were the opposite. 8^)
Stephen Cowell
"Gaidheal" <breogan...@yahoo.com> wrote
...
> the large quantities of gas causing the
> discomfort comes from the *beans* which could not
> be digested in the stomach, so they continue to
> digest in the lower intestine.
They ain't no beans in chili... and they ain't
no chili in beans. The combination is anathema.
__
Steve
.
J. Clarke
> On Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:30:03 -0500, Outback Jon
> <tea...@ver.no.sp.am.izon.net> wrote:
>
>> Gaidheal wrote:
>>> So don't blame the poor innocent "chillies".
>>
>> Didn't one of your ancestors invent chili?
>
> One of his ancestors WAS a chili :-)
Now what did chili ever do to you to deserve that?
Gaidheal
<stephenleeNOSPAMcow...@gmail.com> wrote:
> They ain't no beans in chili... and they ain't
> no chili in beans. The combination is anathema.
It's that kind of ignorant Texas thinking that fails to understand
what "chile" *is*.
Don't forget that the Texans learned about chiles from the Mexicans
about 200 years ago, and they didn't know *shit* about chiles before
that.
The fuckheads can't even *chile* correctly, after two centuries.
Chiles have *always* been the basis for a *sauce* that you can pour
over cooked meat, or finish cooking partially cooked meat or poultry
in, or you can add beans or hominy or chayote or whatever kind of
vegetable you like to the chile sauce, and *fuck* all stupid Texans if
they don't like that idea.
Just because you get some ignorant Texan shooting his mouth off about
how "there's no beans in chili" doesn't prove anything except that the
Texan is *stupid*.
You can put some kind of meat, fish or poultry, or cheese in a
tortilla and roll it up, or leave the tortilla laying flat and pour
the chile sauce over it and bake it in an oven long enough to melt the
cheese and you have a "gringa enchilada", IOW American lady style
chili-ed tortillas.
Or, if you prefer your enchiladas Guadalhara-style, don't melt the
cheese. Melted cheese on enchiladas is a gringa affectation.
IOW, anything "enchilada" or "enchilado" has had chili poured over it.
If you see "enchilado" cheese in a market that sells Mexican foods,
the cheese has chile in it.
One thing that I forgot to mention about eating "chili", even if it's
*stupid Texan* "chili" is that truly stupid people drink *beer* when
they eat stupid Texas-style "chili".
Beer is *alkaline* and that's NOT what you want to be drinking when
you're eating
*meat*.
Drink something acidic instead, like lemonade or some lime juice.
Why do you think Mexicans are so fond of limes, anyway?
It helps digest meat and lime juice is also a natural disinfectant
when eating raw vegetables.
On the subject of chiles, I have several boxes of fresh frozen chiles
in my freezer.
I have fresnos, poblanos, serranos and jalapenos all in a row.
My Christmas dinner will either be pozole, a hominy and pork or hominy
and chicken stew in a fresh chile sauce, or it will be frijoles negros
or frijoles pintos con puerco, again in a fresh chile sauce and I
ain't inviting any stupid fucking *Texans* to share the comida grande
with me.
Gaidheal
> Hey wiki thief...FOAD then rot in a gutter.
KWATZ!
.p.jm.@see_my_sig_for_address.com
<breogan...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>On Dec 15, 7:27�am, "Stephen Cowell"
><stephenleeNOSPAMcow...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> They ain't no beans in chili... and they ain't
>> no chili in beans. �The combination is anathema.
>
>It's that kind of ignorant Texas thinking that fails to understand
>what "chile" *is*.
Oh, Gee F H Christ ....