Stupid Criminals
Beverly Cadotte
Brief anecdotes from the Dumb Crook News an occasional feature
of Out Front from the Charlotte Observer.
Robbery victims inspected a lineup up of 5 men in San Diego.
Each of the men in the lineup were ordered to step forward and
say,"Give me all the money-and I need some change in quarters and dimes.
The first two men got it right. The third man stepped forward and said,
"That isn't what I said."
A man in Delaware represented himselft at his trial for robbing a woman
at a gas station. In cross-examining a detective he said," Why are
you talking about some witness, man? There was only me and her at the store."
In New York one man tried to rob a bank. Unfortunately he picked
the very day the FBI got paid. When he asked the teller to hand over
the money several guns were pulled and aimed at him immediately.
Burglars broke into a small town post office, taking radios,
a public address system and various other things. They found a camera
which they used to take each other's picture while sitting behind the
desks. They forgot the camera and the unexposed film.
Beverly Cadotte
`
Simos Hadjiyiannis
>Brief anecdotes from the Dumb Crook News an occasional feature
>of Out Front from the Charlotte Observer.
Along the same lines, something I heard on the radio some time ago:
A man in Scotland was arrested for robbing a bank. He had walked into the bankwearing panty-hose 45 dernier (for the ignorant - not that I am certain myself -
dernier is a measure for counting the thickness of cloth; normal panty hose I
think is about 6 dernier (ladies correct me if I am wrong...), so you can
imagine he was practically wearing a sack on his head...). In any case, after
half-blindly and unsuccessfuly demanding money from the cashier, he made his
getaway in his _custom made_, _personal number-plated_ white BMW, which he had
left parked OUTSIDE the bank... And guess where he went : that's right; after
a minimum amount of deduction, the police found him sitting at home...
The dj said it was a true story...
In any case here's a joke and a quote:
Mike Dukakis, George Bush and Dan Quayle (sp?) died and were about to be
judged by god. Well, after checking his books, god says:
"Mike, you have sinned grievoulsy in your lifetime. I will now punish you
for it. (A door opens and an ugly old hag walks in.) You are to spend the rest
of eternity in a small locked room with this woman. That is your punishment."
So, off they go. Then god says :
"George, you have sinned terribly when you were alive. (A door opens and an
even uglier hag walks in..). In order to pay for your unforgivable sins
you will spend the rest of eternity in a small locked room with this
woman."
So George and Elle are locked away. Then a door opens and _Traci Lords_
walks in. Dan begins to rub his hands gleefully and oggle at Traci when
god suddenly says:
"Traci you have sinned atrociously..."
The following quote is taken from an old Newsweek. It was made by some
senator when shown some pictures of Ted Kennedy in an "uncompromising
position" with a woman, in a rowing boat:
"Say Ted, I see you've changed your stance on off-shore drilling..."
That's all for now folks...
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"Where are the prophets, where are the visionaries,
where are the poets, to breach the dawn of the sentimental mercenary.."
Simos Hadjiyiannis
>even uglier hag walks in..). In order to pay for your unforgivable sins
>you will spend the rest of eternity in a small locked room with this
>woman."
> So George and Elle are locked away. Then a door opens and _Traci Lords_
I apologise for the above (esp to Australians..). The "joke" originally
featured the gifted Elle, but when I later changed it, I forgot to remove
the above reference...
You should've seen the hate mail...Sheeshh, it was an ACCIDENT!
Simos Hadjiyiannis
"The system we learn says we're equal under law,
but the streets are reality, the weak and poor will fall,
let's tip the power balance, and tear down their crown,
educate the masses, we'll burn the whitehouse down!"
A Stas a Nss Steel Rat
A Stainless Steel Rat
In article <1990Nov20.1...@daffy.cs.wisc.edu> hadj...@cat33.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis) writes:
>
> A man in Scotland was arrested for robbing a bank. He had walked into the bankwearing panty-hose 45 dernier (for the ignorant - not that I am certain myself -
>dernier is a measure for counting the thickness of cloth; normal panty hose I
>think is about 6 dernier (ladies correct me if I am wrong...), so you can
>imagine he was practically wearing a sack on his head...). In any case, after
>half-blindly and unsuccessfuly demanding money from the cashier, he made his
>getaway in his _custom made_, _personal number-plated_ white BMW, which he had
>left parked OUTSIDE the bank... And guess where he went : that's right; after
>a minimum amount of deduction, the police found him sitting at home...
There was a bank robber once that was *so* stupid that he tried to have the
teller deposit the money he was stealing into his own bank account! I don't the
police required *any* deduction to find him.
Keep laughing,
raf
--
Robert A Fabian | I may accused of being confused
r...@basser.cs.su.oz.au | But I'm average weight for my height
Basser Department of Computer Science | My philosophy, like colour TV
University of Sydney | Is all there, in black and white
John Benfield
> teller deposit the money he was stealing into his own bank account! I don't the
> police required *any* deduction to find him.
>
A friend of mine once told me about how he used to work on the automated
teller systems in the US. Apparently there was a machine that kept coming
up empty every morning with no reference to account for where all of the
cash had gone. This kept happening at the same bank with a considerable
amount of regularity and they were losing a considerable amount of cash.
They eventually discovered what happened when a man came into the bank
with stacks of fresh $20 bills (all of them...thousands of them) in the
stacks of bills all in serial number order, etc and tried to deposit them
in his bank account. Same bank as the machine. They never would have figured
it out if he hadn't basically "turned himself in" like that.
(just in case you are wondering.....each of the machines used to have a
set of diagnostics that were executed by punching in a code on the keypad.
It appears that the man that collected all of the cash had a PIN [that's
Personal Identification Number] that activated the diagnostics to exercise
the cash dispenser mechanism. Of course the diagnostics didn't show up
on the usage log and the man's card number never got logged because it
went into diagnostics before it identified him. All that happened is he
would insert his card, enter his PIN and all od a sudden the cash machine
would empty itself. [gee, wally!] I think they fixed the bug =8)
____________________________________________________________________________
===
=--==== AT&T Canada Inc. John Benfield
=----==== 3650 Victoria Park Ave. Network Support Analyst (MIS)
=----==== Suite 800
==--===== Willowdale, Ontario attmail : ~jbenfield
======= M2H-3P7 email : uunet!attcan!john
=== (416) 756-5221 Compu$erve: 72137,722
____"Sometimes it just happens...People explode...Natural causes."__________
Tom Gray
<
<In article <1990Nov20.1...@daffy.cs.wisc.edu> hadj...@cat33.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis) writes:
<>
<>imagine he was practically wearing a sack on his head...). In any case, after
<>half-blindly and unsuccessfuly demanding money from the cashier, he made his
<>getaway in his _custom made_, _personal number-plated_ white BMW, which he had
<>left parked OUTSIDE the bank... And guess where he went : that's right; after
<>a minimum amount of deduction, the police found him sitting at home...
<
<There was a bank robber once that was *so* stupid that he tried to have the
<teller deposit the money he was stealing into his own bank account! I don't the
<police required *any* deduction to find him.
<
There was a mugger in New York who found that his victim was without cash.
he forced the victim at gun point to issue him a cheque. Needless to say
the police had no difficulty locating the perpetrator
David Chesler
Glad to see the perennial "Stupid People" threads are still around. Going
through some papers I found these notes. I wrote them on February 24, 1983,
after a visit to the Registry of Motor Vehicles. Is this old enough to
qualify for "The more things change..."?
David Chesler vs. The Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles
DC: Hi, I'd like to register my motorcycle!
RMV: OK. I'll go over that. Nope, you wrote only $125 for the
purchase price. The minimum we can accept is $200.
DC: But that's all I paid for it; it's all the thing is worth.
RMV: We can't accept less than $200. I'll change that for you.
(crosses out $125, $6.25 due, writes $200 in taxable sales price,
$10 due.)
=====================
DC: How soon after this registration is effective do I have to get inspected?
RMV: Oh, right away.
DC: The same day?
RMV: No, seven days.
=====================
DC: OK, here's your money. By the way, what's the penalty for operating
an uninspected vehicle around here?
RMV: Oh, they'd fine you.
DC: Thanks.
RMV: Here's your registration.
DC: How come no one has asked to see the bill of sale?
RMV: The vehicle is over ten years old, we don't care.
DC: But I could have stolen the thing!
RMV: It's over ten years old, it doesn't matter.
=====================
DC: Hi! Now that I shaved and got contacts I no longer look like the
picture on my license, can I get a new picture taken?
RMV: What for?
DC: Well, the last two times I tried to cash a check, I had trouble.
RMV: Your license isn't for ID, it's for driving.
DC: OK, can I have a photo ID please?
RMV: No, it's against the law to have a driver's license and a photo ID.
DC: Then maybe I should have another picture taken.
RMV: OK, sign your name here.
DC: (Signs name)
RMV: Hey! This doesn't match the signature on your license!
DC: Right. This is my signature, but last time I was here you said my
signature was illegible and made me write my name in cursive.
RMV: Well, match that.
DC: (Writes name)
RMV: Where's the S? You didn't sign the S!
DC: I never sign my middle initial.
RMV: But that's your name, sign it.
DC: OK, here it is.
RMV: Good, now fill this out, and then we'll take your picture.
=====================
DC: Boy, what an experience. At least I'm clean-shaven and not wearing
glasses in the picture, even if I'm half off the frame, with one eye
shut. I wonder if those clowns made sure to give me a motorcycle
license. Hmm... "License to operate motor vehicles except motorcycles
and subject to any further restriction and class as noted below."
-- David Chesler (che...@netrix.enet.dec.com) formerly da...@prism.tmc.com
Earning my living at Digital in Littleton, Mass; speaking for myself.
"Video meliora proboque, Deteriora sequor." Ovid, Metam., VII, 20.
Michel Rochman
| che...@netrix.nac.dec.com (David Chesler) writes:
+-----
| Glad to see the perennial "Stupid People" threads are still around. Going
| through some papers I found these notes. I wrote them on February 24, 1983,
| after a visit to the Registry of Motor Vehicles. Is this old enough to
+-----
On the same note, a few years ago in Paris I had the following conversation
with a *huge* marine corps officer, you know, the kind with a one-digit IQ,
at the entrance to the american embassy:
me: "Hi, I came here four weeks ago to apply for a visa; I left my
passport and was told I would get it back by mail within two weeks;
since I did not receive it yet, I would like to talk to someone who
may know what happened to it ..."
officer: "Do you have a passport ?"
me: "Well, no, I just told you ..."
officer: "Then you cannot go in !"
/*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*/
/* mic...@hpsad.hp.com #:-] "God divided things evenly: He gave food to */
/* Hewlett Packard Co. <[:o) the rich and appetite to the poor" - Coluche */
/* Rohnert Park, CA >B-( "Greetings to all widows' sons" - Michel */
/*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*/