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Need MONKEY jokes

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Manuel Freitas

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Nov 9, 1995, 3:00:00 AM11/9/95
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Anyone know any good monkey jokes???

- Manuel.


Sanjay Gandhi

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Nov 9, 1995, 3:00:00 AM11/9/95
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In article <47t9s8$d...@camelot.ccs.neu.edu>, man...@ccs.neu.edu says...

>
>Anyone know any good monkey jokes???
>
> - Manuel.

Firstly, I hope that you are not talking about the monkey in 'spank my
monkey', but about monkey as in monkey, the ape, the ancestor of
humans. So it has a head AND it has four limbs as well.

Sanjay Gandhi

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Nov 9, 1995, 3:00:00 AM11/9/95
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In article <47tmcp$l...@tilde.csc.ti.com>, sg...@msg.ti.com says...
>
I am sorry. Something happened and the post was sent without me being
able to complete it. Anyway, here are the jokes:

* What did the monkey say to the woman after making love to her?
" No wonder you are blonde."

* When the chimp owner came home one day, he found his wife sleeping
with his chimp. He was made with rage, and went up to his neighbor for
some advice. The neighbor said, " Just go and spank your monkey,
because if you divorce her, you will have to spank your monkey
forever."

Sanjay


Vito Miliano

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Nov 14, 1995, 3:00:00 AM11/14/95
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Hee hee! This one was sent to me by a certain young lady named Kendra, who
got it from a college friend as it was passed through there... It's called:
"I Like Monkeys"...

---

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell
real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my
bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use
the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I
had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking
about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they
liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched
them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

---

--Vito Miliano

\ / = Vito Miliano <peri...@aol.com>
\ / _____ ___ = Head Developer for The Perilith Project (tm)
\ / | | | | =
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