Expressions for stupidity
Alfvaen
This is my recompiled version of the Canonical List of Expressions for
Stupidity. Anybody who wishes to send or post more expressions, please <hope
against hope>check and see whether they're on the list first...
And please don't ask me to e-mail it to you. Because I won't. Or I'll
accompany it with a 4.7 megabyte datafile. Fair warning.
Compendium of insults from...
Newsgroups: rec.humor (plus additions from elsewhere)
Subject: not altogether there
Date: April 1987 (last updated 920311)
"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
$HOME = /dev/null.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A bun short of a dozen.
A couple of open splices.
A couple of revisions behind.
A couple of volts below threshold.
A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bits short of a byte.
A few bombs short of a full load.
A few bricks shy of a load.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few yards short of the hole.
A fool's fool.
A hole in his bag of marbles.
A kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
A little light in his loafers.
A looney tune.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A notch off the timing mark.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ.
A sausage short of a barbecue.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
About as bright as a black hole.
About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
About as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.
About as smart as bait.
About four cents short of a nickel.
All booster -- no payload.
All crown -- no filling.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All the lights don't shine in his marquis.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
As bright as a burnt out light bulb.
As bright as two dark rooms.
As brilliant as a nightlight.
As smart as a sackful of wet mice.
As thick as two short planks.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Bats in the belfry.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using his head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Born a day late, and like that ever since.
Bright as a tulip bulb.
Bright as Tuktoyaktuk in December.
Buffer is full.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Calling him stupid is an insult to stupid people.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Collecting cards for Craig.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cursor's flashing, but there's no response.
Diarrhea of the mouth, constipation of the ideas.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have all the pens in his plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Donated his body to science... before he was done using it.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as a box of mentally handicapped rocks.
Dumb as a sack of hammers.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Dumber than a chicken.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Fired his retro-rockets a little late.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
Gyros are loose.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace
is missing from his deck altogether.
Has a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
Has a few wait states.
Has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
Has a screw loose.
Has a slow clock.
Has an ego like a black hole.
Has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Has bubbles in his think tank.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has No Upper Stage.
Has only one oar in the water.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
Has the IQ of a salad bar.
Has the IQ of an ice cube.
Has too many birds on his antenna.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
He's diagnosable.
He's in, but he's out to lunch.
Head whistles in a cross wind.
He can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
He might have all his bricks, but there is no cement holding them
together.
He's got all six cans, but he's missing the little plastic thing that
holds
them together.
He wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
His memory is truly random-access.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If brains were gasoline he wouldn't have enough to drive a piss-ant's
go-cart around the inside of a Cheerio.
If he had another brain, it would be lonesome.
If he was any dumber, he'd be a green plant.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If his brain were rolled up into a ball and shot up a maggot's ass, it
would still roll around like a BB in a boxcar.
If his brain were water, it wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If his brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If his brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, he's practically invulnerable.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
Infinite space between his ears.
Informationally deprived.
Intellectually challenged.
Landing on one engine.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Lights not burning too bright.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on the thinking gas.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Metronome needs oil.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled.
Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice.
Mind like a steel trap -- nothing in, nothing out.
Mind like a steel trap -- rusted shut.
Missing a few catalog cards.
Missing a few gears.
Missing a few marbles.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Nice house, not much furniture.
Nine pence in the shilling.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in the his mind's windmills.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
Not hard-docked.
Not playing with a full deck.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One ball short of an over.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One Froot Loop shy of a bowl full.
One marble shy of a full deck.
One shingle shy of a roof.
One side short of a pentagon.
One weight short of a shipwreck.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Over the rainbow.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Reading from an empty disk.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Receiver is off the hook.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Running on empty.
Runs squares around the competition.
S p a c e d o u t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Sharp as a pin head.
Sharp as a tack cloth.
Short a few cards.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skiing in Ohio.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Someone let the air out of his lock.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Teflon brain (nothing sticks).
The attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
The mental agility of a soap dish.
The synapses are about *that* far apart.
Thick as a brick.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed.
Train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Trying to play pinochle with a poker deck.
Two bits shy of a word.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two tacos short of a combination plate.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Vertically-fornicated mind.
Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
--
---Alfvaen(and yes, I'm a serendipitist!)
Canadian Network For Space Research, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
The more things change, the more they remain things.
Current Album--Muppet Show Cast Album
"It's not easy being green...when you blend in with so many other ordinary
things..."