Cliches (was Re: Schoolhouse Rock)
Bryan Hannahs
> In article <1991Mar5.0...@rice.edu>, glr...@uncle-bens.rice.edu (Glen
> > In article <38...@netnews.upenn.edu> dep...@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Jeff DePo
> > ...
> > >Stupid people: Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
> > > He's about 4 cents short of a nickel.
> > > About as bright as a burned out bulb.
> > > Got the IQ of a salad bar.
> > >
> > My personal favorite: "If brains were birdshit, he'd have a clean cage."
> >
> How about: You are so stupid you could put your brain inside the belly of
> a pregnant ant, and it would rattle around like a BB in a Corn Flakes box.
Or how about: Y'know, he's just a few french fries short of a happy
meal...?
Bryan Hannahs
(aka Arthur Dent)
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
cl...@vaxb.acs.unt.edu
> mar...@sumax.seattleu.edu (David Marley) writes:
>
>> In article <1991Mar5.0...@rice.edu>, glr...@uncle-bens.rice.edu (Glen
>> > In article <38...@netnews.upenn.edu> dep...@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Jeff DePo
>> > ...
>> > >Stupid people: Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
>> > > He's about 4 cents short of a nickel.
>> > > About as bright as a burned out bulb.
>> > > Got the IQ of a salad bar.
>> > >
>> > My personal favorite: "If brains were birdshit, he'd have a clean cage."
>> >
>> How about: You are so stupid you could put your brain inside the belly of
>> a pregnant ant, and it would rattle around like a BB in a Corn Flakes box.
>
>
> Or how about: Y'know, he's just a few french fries short of a happy
> meal...?
Another good one: Don't stand too close to him, you might get sucked into
his ear by the vacuum.
Cleta
Paul Crowley
> Or how about: Y'know, he's just a few french fries short of a happy
> meal...?
A friend of mine is one side short of a pentagon. Think about it...
Julian Barnes refers to "a few sandwiches short of a picnic" "missing a
few buttons" and "crazy as a bedbug"
____
\/ o\ Paul Crowley ai...@uk.ac.ed.castle \ /
/\__/ Trust me. I know what I'm doing. \/
David Halliwell
>In article <38...@netnews.upenn.edu> dep...@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Jeff DePolo) writes:
>
>...
>>Stupid people: Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
>> He's about 4 cents short of a nickel.
>> About as bright as a burned out bulb.
>> Got the IQ of a salad bar.
>>
>My personal favorite: "If brains were birdshit, he'd have a clean cage."
>
The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor...
He's a few bricks short of a load...
Dave Halliwell
Jim Kasprzak
pretends not to: "Somebody's home, but the lights are off."
--
Jim Kasprzak kasp...@mts.rpi.edu (internet)
RPI, Troy, NY user...@rpitsmts.bitnet
"A spirit with a vision is a dream with a mission." -Rush
David W Morton IE88
Stupid people: Doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
He's about 4 cents short of a nickel.
About as bright as a burned out bulb.
Got the IQ of a salad bar.
If brains were birdshit, he'd have a clean cage."
The lights are on, but nobody is home...
The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor...
He's a few bricks short of a load...
Somebody's home, but the lights are off.
What about:
A few sticks short of a bundle.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few PEs short of a DAP.
--
* | *
* David W Morton | To reply, try - *
* Strathclyde Uni | dmo...@cs.strath.ac.uk *
* Glasgow | OR: dmo...@uk.ac.strath.cs *
* Scotland | OR: write!it!on!a!paper!plane!and!throw!it!HARD *
* | *
David Halliwell
>
>
>
>If brains were gas, you wouldn't have enought to drive an ant's motorcycle
>around a Cheerio...
and...
...when God was handing out brains, he thought God said "trains", and
since he heard the trip was scenic, he asked for a slow one.
Dave Halliwell
Gary Krone
Gary Krone
Mike Hammar
Bruce Hayek
Or:
You're about as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.
Your mother thinks your a treasure...your father wants to bury you.
Is that your face or did your neck throw up?
Jon Byrd
In article <7370...@attcc.UUCP>, k...@attcc.UUCP writes:
|>
|> /* ---------- "Re: Cliches (was Re: Schoolhouse Ro" ---------- */
|> HOWABOUTS:
|>
|> I'll turn you like a screw driver!
|> I'll kick you like an extra point!
|> I'll slap the taste right out of your mouth!
|> I'll flush you like a booger in a kleenex!
|> (I know, its from the GET OUTTA MY FACE STRING!)
|> can anybody remember anymo'?
|>
My favorite along THESE lines was from Brother Dave Gardener:
I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna hum like a ten-penny
finishing nail hit with a greasy ball pean hammer.
once my dad said "i'll slap a turd out of you as long as your arm!"
my brothers and i shook, with a combination of fear and laughter.
--
jonathan byrd
j...@apollo.med.utah.edu
"religions come and go; beer and wine remain." - hervey allen
Ray Saddler
.In article <7370...@attcc.UUCP>, k...@attcc.UUCP writes:
.|>
.|> You're about as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.
.|> Your mother thinks your a treasure...your father wants to bury you.
.|> Is that your face or did your neck throw up?
.|>
.|> HOWABOUTS:
.|>
.|> I'll turn you like a screw driver!
.|> I'll kick you like an extra point!
.|> I'll slap the taste right out of your mouth!
.|> I'll flush you like a booger in a kleenex!
.|> (I know, its from the GET OUTTA MY FACE STRING!)
.|> can anybody remember anymo'?
.|>
.
.My favorite along THESE lines was from Brother Dave Gardener:
.
.I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna hum like a ten-penny
.finishing nail hit with a greasy ball pean hammer.
.
...and Bill Cosby tells about his [mother or father] telling him that they'll
"Knock the black off him!" and "I'll knock you into next week"...
And, then talks about being told that "I'll knock your brains out!"...and tells
how funny it'd be to have some calfs brains handy when that is said, and drop-
ing them on the floor to make a statement!
--
Ray E. Saddler III sad...@bcstec.boeing.com ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
CAD System/Network Admin ..!uunet!bcstec!saddler /__// //__ / /\ // _
P.O. Box 3999 M.S. 3R-05 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= /__//__//__ _/_ / //__/
Seattle, WA. 98124 U.S.A +1 206 657 2824 Missile Systems Division
CJ Patterson
I thought you might get a kick out of hearing about my weekend ......
But first, a little history ..... The former, former (and possibly even
former) owners of my house changed from oil heat to gas heat.
Consequently, the big green oil drum wasn't needed anymore, but they
failed to have it removed from the basement. ... fade out ...
... fade in ... 1991. I've got a carpenter coming in on May 1 to begin
constructing a bedroom for my 11 year old son, Matthew. The new room
will be in the basement --- where the useless empty umteen-gallon oil
tank sits (stands, crouches . . . . whatever!). Anyway, I needed to
get that damn thing out of there. (We are also going through boxes and
boxes of clothes and other stuff--mainly stuff! I warned my kids about
this. I said, "As we are going through boxes, if you see something of
yours but haven't used it -- or missed it -- in at least a year, don't
you dare say `Oh! I need ________!' We are getting rid of a lot of
S-T-U-F-F!!!!!!!!!!! Period") **Moms like using that word for emphasis!**
Sooooooooooooooooooo, getting back to the story, I needed that oil drum
removed. Now, picture this. With legs, the drum stands as tall, or
taller, than me. (Last time I looked, I was 5'10".) The tank itself is 26-1/2"
wide (remember this measurement -- you will need to refer to it later in
the story -- yes you will be tested!) and very ugly! (Ugliness
is not really relavent here, just used as an editorial comment.) I
asked around my neighborhood just who I would call to come take that
THANG away. I was told to call "Norm's Hauling," whose ad can be found
in the service directory in the daily want ads of our local paper.
Well, I look and there it was: Haul anything! Great. I called the
number and got a nice lady - obviously Norm's wife (?) Norm was out, so
I left my name and number. Later that evening, Norm called me. Sounded
like a nice guy. I told him what I needed hauled out and he gave me a
price of $20. I said "go for it!" We arranged for Saturday afternoon
at 1:30. Fine.
Well, at 1:45, an old pickup truck with two men in it came chugging
up my driveway. The first guy to come into my house was Norm Peterson
(I was to learn later that he was Norm Jr.) He was a few inches shorter
than me and very, very dirty. I estimate the date of his last bath was
maybe somewhere back in the 80s. His hair was shoulder length and his
beard contained the residue of several meals (good meals, from what I
could gather). As he came toward me, I could see he was listing
slightly to port. He said he wasn't feeling too good. (At this point,
I think I got nervous.) Figuring he had the flu, I asked him not to get
to close to me (Oh God, Please Don't Get Too Close To Me!) He said he
didn't have the flu. He wasn't feeling good because the night before he
extracted a molar -- **one of his molars!** I backed away even further
and pointed to the basement, reminding him that I needed the oil drum
extracted, too, and "shouldn't you probably get started ...??"
So, I led Norm Jr. downstairs. Norm Sr. met us downstairs shortly
thereafter. Now, Norm Sr. is a BIG MAN. He's taller than me with these
HUGE HANDS ...... and no teeth. (God, I love it!) He and Norm Jr. look
at the tank and figure out what they are in for. Now, get this.
Neither of them has any tools with them, so they ask me if I have any
tools. Well, I said I have a hammer. They said FINE! (Holy Sh-t!)
So, I get my one and only hammer, the one with the rubber wrapped
handle, my really nice hammer, and bring it downstairs to them.
Now, the pipes that had once ran from the tank to the outside of my
house had been cut flush with the foundation on the outside of the house
so that my *New* stairs leading up to my porch could be built.
Consequently, the only thing that was holding the pipes in the
foundation was the cement which had bonded to them.
There are two pipes: a thick one and a thin one. Diameter dimensions
really don't matter - just imagine a thick pipe and a thin pipe coming
out of the wall, making a 90 degree angle, and attaching onto the top of
the oil drum. At the top of the oil drum, where the pipes are
attached, is a coupler (?) which could have been loosed with a
giant-sized monkey wrench (crescent wrench?). But, remember .... they
had no tools. Soooooooooooo, they began pounding away at the pipes WITH
MY REALLY GOOD HAMMER, trying to loosen the pipes from the wall. That
didn't get them very far, so they decided to bang on the pipes where
they attach to the oil drum. That didn't help, either. Soooooooooo
They decided to pick up the oil drum and TWIST IT AROUND AND AROUND,
thereby literally tearing the pipes off the top of the oil drum. I
mean, these two guys *Mutt and Jeff* picked up this tank like it was a
plywood box and began turning it around and around. At one point, Norm
Jr. decided that banging it against the wall of my basement -- the
foundation -- would have results. WRONG! I gently requested that he
cut that sh-t out immediately.
Eventually -- and with a minor spill of maybe 2-3 gallons of oil on the
basement floor -- they managed to twist the pipes from the top of the
oil tank! Then, they took the legs off (they just unscrewed -- thank
goodness!). THEN, they had to swing the tank around and position it so
they could bring it up the stairs.
Now, remember the dimensions of the tank? (26-1/2" wide) The doorways,
both at the top of the stairs and onto the porch, are 27" wide. I am
talking about 1/2" breathing room. (I never really understood how
important 1/2" could be until this weekend!!!!!!) So, with Norm Sr. in
the lead and Norm Jr. coming up from behind, they pulled and pushed that
big useless tank up the stairs out of the basement. While they were
bringing it up, my daughter Kelly (-- boy, did that little girl get an
earful while the Norms were commenting on the stubborn qualities of the oil
drum! --) and I spread newspapers on the kitchen carpet, from the
threshhold going downstairs to the threshold going out the door. (We
recycle EVERYTHING, including newspapers, so we had a few on hand!)
Anyway, the Norms finally squeeze the drum through the doorways and out
to their truck. Oh, did I tell you I had to take both doors off? The
basement door was no problem because I had to take it off last year when
I painted. It is a light door -- no problem! However, the big solid
door going outside is another story. That is held on by three hinges
(I know that's the wrong word, but you know what I mean.) I got the
pins out, then had to carry/drag the door away from the doorway. This
door is HEAVY!!
Then we had to mop up the oil spill. I had a lot of rags which we used
for the majority of the oil, then I got out the paper towels and a
shovel and I managed to clean up more. The Norms put all the oil soaked
rags and the paper towels into a box and removed those, also.
Oh, Norm Sr has been married 34 years and is very proud of that fact.
(Personally, I am, too. I wonder what Mrs. Norm Peterson looks like...)
Norm Jr. on the other hand, hasn't had a girlfriend for "a while." I
wasn't going to touch that one, no way! I ever so gently told Norm Jr.
(as he gave me the once over look) that I was very, very, very, very,
very, very, very (did I say very?) happy with a nice man, thank you very
much! (I think I would have lied at that point!)
They finally drove off into the sunset with my oil tank (kind of
picturesque, don't you think?). As they drove away, I could hear Norm
(?) say, "If you ever need anything else hauled, just call us!"
Don't say it!
Just a another weekend at the Patterson's!
*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*
| "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" |
| ---------------------------------------------------------- |
| cpat...@ub.d.umn.edu | If SUCCESS consisted simply |
| C J Patteron | of not taking chances, |
| Send Money to: | then GLORY would be at |
| P.O. Box 3265 | the disposal of the most |
| Duluth, MN 55803-3265 | mediocre talent! |
*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*
Rick Kelly
>|>
>|>
>|> I'll turn you like a screw driver!
>|>
>
>
I'm gonna hit you so hard that when you wake up your clothes will
be back in style.
Rick Kelly r...@rmkhome.UUCP frog!rmkhome!rmk r...@frog.UUCP
00cmk...@bsu-ucs.uucp
> In article <1991Apr3.1...@dg-rtp.dg.com> coc...@spam.rtp.dg.com (Dave Cochran) writes:
>>In article <7370...@attcc.UUCP>, k...@attcc.UUCP writes:
(tons o' stuff ousted)
> I'll turn you like a screw driver!
> I'll kick you like an extra point!
> I'll slap the taste right out of your mouth!
> I'll flush you like a booger in a kleenex!
> (I know, its from the GET OUTTA MY FACE STRING!)
> can anybody remember anymo'?
>>I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna hum like a ten-penny
>>finishing nail hit with a greasy ball pean hammer.
>
>
> I'm gonna hit you so hard that when you wake up your clothes will
> be back in style.
In my own opinion, the comedian Jeff Altman was the master of such phrases in
his parodies of his old man, i.e.:
I'll flip you like a cheese omelette!
I'll cream you like mushroom soup!
I'll stop you like a bad check!
I'll drop you like a bad transmission!
If any takers on further threats of creativity?????
--
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chad M.P. Kirvan "My brain hurts!!!!"
Indiana Academy -almost any Gumby
on Ball State campus
============Reprinted without permission from anyone who matters================
"Now you're the only one who can tell me that it's true-
That you love me, and I love me."
They Might Be Giants-"Kiss Me, Son Of God"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
jim.massey
i'll hit you so hard your grand kids will be born with headaches
Richard Stueven
(HOCKEY, you morons!) the announcer said:
"He beat him like a pinata!"
have fun
gak