02/Life 2.8
Jeff W. Hyche
NOBODY EVER HAD A RAINBOW WITHOUT A LITTLE RAIN
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon
us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only
result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in
turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.
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Q: What's the difference between Xerox and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.
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NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's Costume
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up
for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even
if he is from the planet Zambodia. But an attorney for the man who
calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his
client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince
Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.
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Scene on the rear mud-flaps of a large truck
left mud-flap right mud-flap
Passing Side Suicide
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El Paso El Cruncho
(spanish) (spanish)
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There is no statute of limitations on stupidity
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero
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Re that garbage barge that can't find a home - Heard on the radio as I drove
to work this AM "why don't we ship the garbage barge to Iran and "accidently"
sink it off their coast."
OR
send that barge over, put an American flag on it and wait till THEY sink it.
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Re the statistics..... The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical
argument
came from the redoubtable John W. Campbell: The laws of population growth
tell us that approximately half the people who were ever born in the history
of the world are now dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this
message is being read by a corpse.
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1 Billion dollars of budget deficit =1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
2 pints = 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis = the Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents = 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish = 1 Octo - Puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies
to 1 meter per second = 1 Fig - Newton
one half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
Things to be aware of:
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success of the
barbecue.
1 Bananosecond is the amount of time between slipping on the peel and
landing
on the pavement.
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
in Billigrahams.
If a can of Alpo costs $.38 in our rate of exchange, would it cost $2.50 in
Dog Dollars.
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field - the speed of
Blight
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Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze-
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted
to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio
of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained
in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is
reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice
in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American
and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in
Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan
our costliest surplus commodity?
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A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.
During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The
cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.
The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally
he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges
in dealing with people. When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed,
"No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?" the women waiting on him smiled
sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you
understand?"
A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel
Service drivers. While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came
a UPS man. Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the
situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men." "Don't you feed
her anything else?" he responded.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and
sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we
were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
One women is never happy when she has to wait in line, and people who
try to squeeze in front are a special sore point.
One day a young man at the supermarket stepped up to her just as she
reached the checkout counter. "Mind if I go ahead?" he asked. "I just have
this one can of dog food."
"Goodness, no," she roared, "If you're that hungry, go right ahead!"
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Guidelines for good writing from a recent Omni article:
- Subject and verb always has to agree.
- Do not use a foreign term when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
- It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
- Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it effectively.
- Avoid cliches like the plague.
- Mixed mataphors are a pain in th eneck and should be thrown out the window.
- Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
- Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
- Consult a dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling.
- Don't be redundant.
- Don't repeat yourself or say what you have said before.
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- The passive voice should not be used.
- Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Proofread carefully to see if you have any words out.
- Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use
them.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
- Avoid colloquial stuff.
- No sentence fragments.
- Remember to finish what
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Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth
under the baton of Milton Katims.....
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
(1.) There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins
don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
(2.) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street
from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got
backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff
a few brews.
After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be
getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place,
replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a
string
around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there,
Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton
with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So
Bill Brooks
>
>Re the statistics..... The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical
>argument
>came from the redoubtable John W. Campbell: The laws of population growth
>tell us that approximately half the people who were ever born in the history
>of the world are now dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this
>message is being read by a corpse.
>
Does that mean that there is a 0.5 probability that this message is being
read by an immortal?
--
William Brooks UUCP: sun!sundc!potomac!wbrooks
Advanced Decision Systems Internet: wbr...@potomac.ads.com