Canonical List Of Language Humor 3/6
My name is Forrest Gump
-= puns =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Punny Names
Erich Marina Remarque - Author, "All Quiet On The Waterfront."
Evictor Hugo - French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables"
Johann Sebastian Bache - Wall Street baroquer.
Little Boa Peep - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own flock.
Mooses - Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods.
Perry Masson - television lawyer who will solve no case before its time.
Xeroxes - persian photocopy king.
-= puns =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------------------
She was only the...
admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of discharged seamen!
astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off.
athlete's daughter, but she was always ready to play ball.
barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them.
blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead.
bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets.
bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked.
butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin.
cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur.
chimney sweep's daughter, but she could sure haul ash.
clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor.
cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last.
communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share.
doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate.
draughtman's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line.
electrician's daughter, but she lit up half the town.
electrician's daughter, but she had good connections.
Energizer bunny, but she kept going, and going, and going...
farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize.
film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out.
fisherman's daughter, but she reeled when she saw my rod.
fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swalled her lines.
fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.
flag-wavers daughter, but she'd let her standards down for anyone.
florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town.
fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail.
gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.
insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy.
jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure. (horsemen knew her)
lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night.
lumberjack's daughter, but you could hear her ring barking for miles.
milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop.
moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.
optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself.
parachutist's daughter, but she was free-4-all.
philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away.
photographer's daughter, but she was really developed.
pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves.
plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures.
professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson.
real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away.
road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt.
statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron.
telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit....
tree feller's daughter, but t'ree fellas were never enough for her.
undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bury a stiff.
vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck.
violinist's daughter, but when she removed her G-string, all the boys wanted a
fiddle.
weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front.
woodcutter's daughter, but she knew how to get a feller.
-= puns =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What Do You Get When You Cross...
A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.
A bear with a skunk? Winnie the Phew!
A canary with a mole? A miner bird.
A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.
A chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.
A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.
A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.
A duck with a steamroller? A flat duck.
A fawn with a hornet? Bambee.
A gorilla and a sheep? A very nice wool coat, except the sleeves are too long.
A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
A highway with a bicycle? Run over.
A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper.
A mountain climber and mosquito? Nothing; you can't cross a scalar and a vector.
A movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater.
A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.
A pit bull with a collie? A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help.
A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.
A potato with an onion? A potato with watery eyes.
A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.
A spider with a rabbit? A hare net.
A termite with a house? An exterminator.
A tiger with a needle? Pin stripes.
A tree with a baseball player? Babe Root.
A vulture with a small grass house? A scavenger hut.
An Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.
An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.
An agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone who lies awake at night
wondering if there's a dog.
An evangelist with a hockey puck? A puck that saves itself.
An owl with a goat? A hootenanny.
Telly Savalas with a pool table? A billiard bald.
The Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway.
The Green Giant with Robin Hood? A Hoe-Bow.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag?
The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What do you get when you eat Uranium? Atomic Ache
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
What Do You Get When You Cross An Elephant With...
A Volkswagen? A little car with a big trunk.
A beaver? Hoover Dam.
A cat? Something that purrs as it squashes you.
A dairy cow? Peanut butter.
A duck and a light bulb? A huge electric bill.
A frisbee? A hernia.
A jack o'lantern? A huge pumpkin with a fire extinguisher.
A kangaroo? Big dents in the ground.
A mouse? Very large holes in the baseboards.
A peach? A ten-ton ball of fuzz charging at you.
A rhinoceros? Elephino!
A sheep? Enough wool to knit a skyscraper.
A shotgun? An elephant with a double-barrelled trunk.
A skunk? Very few friends.
Peanut butter? Either peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant that
sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What does the cross between a parrot and an elephant say?
"Polly want a cracker...NOW!"
-= puns =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
How did Colonel Sanders die? He choked on his fingers.
What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your
weeder!"
What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
What did the kids say when they saw Dr. Jekyll the Truant Officer coming?
"Hyde! It's Dr. Jekyll!"
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
What is Batman's religion? Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha.
What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"
Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.
How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.
What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you be so
gruel?"
What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.
Where is Venice located? In Venice-zuela.
What is the electrician's favourite Christmas carol? "The Twelve Days of
Christmas" because of the partridge in ampere tree.
What is a centrifuge? A place where 100 people hide.
What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? When his drill slipped.
Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.
What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.
What grows up while growing down? A goose.
What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches.
What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have
had a V-8!"
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
What is a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.
How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
What is a three-season bed? One without a spring.
What is Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
What is the similarity between a blacksmith and a counterfeiter? They're into
forgery.
What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive?
Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.
What cruises down the riverbed at 60 mph? A motorpike with two side carps.
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
What colour is a belch? Burple.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau.
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in
the dumps.
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.
A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss"
and "Hearse".
Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung.
Never give your uncle an anteater.
Cannibals like to meat people.
Addition in a dark restaurant is "dim sum".
Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
Camels live in Camelfornia.
In some places fog will never be mist.
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.
One can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.
Concerning Chinese tobacco: Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu.
Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways.
One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down.
When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't necessarily
have Math teachers in mind.
"Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly
bald." (Laugh-In)
One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.
If life is like a bowl of cherries, what's the raisin for living?
Plug a pizza in the socket and get a pizza delight.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make
light work."
Spanish bullfighters use Oil of Ol face cream to beat wrinkles.
Read the history of electronics of Biblical proportions: Solomon and Toshiba!
"Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam!
What do I do?" "Relax, you're too tents."
"Doctor, doctor! Birds keep building nests in my horses' manes! What should I
do?" "Sprinkle yeast on them and call me in the morning." "But why?"
"Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!"
Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a
missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all
violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not
good things, they can't have too many of them!
An expert farmer is outstanding in her field.
An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.
Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of
himself.
When the little boy was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he said "I
needed help with my homework." The reason: "God helps those who help
themselves."
A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the
Prairie".
A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, he
claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned
cowboy.
What do you call it when a walrus eats 1000 clams? A calamity.
What do you call a man who's been attacked by a tiger? Claude.
What do you call a man dressed in brown paper? Russel.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
What do you call a man holding up a car? Jack.
What do you call a man rammed down Tina Turner's throat? Mike.
================================================================================
== TOM SWIFTIES ================================================================
-= tom swifties =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a "Tom Swifty" from "The Random House Dictionary of the English
Language", 1st edition (1966):
Tom Swiftie, a play on words that follows an unvarying pattern and relies for
its humor on a punning relationship between the way an adverb describes a
speaker and at the same time refers significantly to the import of the
speaker's statement, as in _"I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted
darkly._ [named after a narrative mannerism characteristic of the _Tom
Swift_ American series of adventure novels for boys]
In actual use, "Tom Swifty" seems to have a somewhat broader meaning, and
includes the form christened "croakers" by Roy Bongartz, wherein a verb rather
than an adverb supplies the pun (e.g. "I'm dying", he croaked).
"Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?" asked Tom unselfconsciously.
Tom Swift was the brainchild of Edward L. Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Stratemeyer
first used the name "Tom Swift" for the title character in "Shorthand Tom; or,
the exploits of a young reporter", serialized in 1894. Sixteen years later he
reused the name for a new character, an ingenious youth whose amazing scientific
inventions and discoveries would carry him to weird and wonderful places. The
Tom Swift adventure series, which was published under the pseudonym Victor
Appleton, began with _Tom Swift and his motor-cycle; or Fun and Adventure on the
road_ in 1910, and continued until 1935 (5 years after Stratemeyer's death!).
Stratemeyer was also the creator of the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, the Hardy
Boys, and other lesser-known series. Stratemeyer only supplied the characters
and the (repetitive) plots for his books; he had a syndicate of some 20 hack
writers to do the actual writing. The chief actual writer of the Tom Swift
books was Howard Roger Garis (1873-1962). After Stratemeyer's death, the
syndicate was taken over by his daughter, Harriet S. Adams, who in 1954 started
the "Tom Swift, Jr." series under the pseudonym Victor Appleton II.
The "narrative mannerism" that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the
Tom Swifty as such, but merely the laboured avoidance of the unadorned use of
the word "said". Tom never merely "said" anything; he asserted, asseverated,
averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or
mischievously), groaned, quipped, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the
form: '"---", Tom said ---ly.' were used ad nauseam. Then one day, someone
decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born.
I am ignorant of who first used the humorous form of Tom Swifty, or of whether
the form is older than the name. I seem to recall once reading that "'One or
two lumps?' she asked sweetly" dates from the early part of this century, but I
have lost the reference. Perhaps it was Dorothy Parker or one of her fellow
Algonquin wits, who were fond of a game called "Give me a sentence", where the
challenged party had to supply a sentence punning on a given word. I would be
most grateful to anyone who could help me fill in the gaps here.
"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.
"I caught two hares," said Tom abrasively.
"The number of people not attending class today really bothers me," said the
professor absent-mindedly.
"What DID that brain surgeon do to me," Tom said absentmindedly.
"I like modern painting," said Tom abstractly.
"Now THAT's worth stealing," said Tom abstractly.
"This is the first step towards my thesis," said Tom abstractly.
"The executioner has received the tool he needs," said Tom with a heavy accent.
"Let's all play an A, a C#, and an E," cried the band with one accord.
"I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend," said Tom acerbically.
"Aye, every inch!" said Lear achingly.
"This salad dressing has too much vinegar," said Tom acidly.
"All right - we'll use a water solution," Tom acquiesced.
"I like fuzzy bunnies," gurgled Tom acutely.
"I've got another @#$%*! insect in my pants," said Tom adamantly.
"There's room for one more," Tom admitted.
"Here's another baseball glove," Tom admitted.
"Here's your allowance for the next two weeks," Tom advanced.
"Those hookers are putting notices in the personals," Tom advised.
"I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight," said Tom affably.
"The jelly is 50% set," Tom affirmed.
"My neurotic blood-sucking arachnid has put on weight," said Tom, his nervous
tic showing again.
"By convention!" cussed Tom airily.
"Fire!" yelled Tom alarmingly.
"England is okay, except there seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in
every outhouse," said Tom aloofly.
"Everything Albert says is so obvious," said Tom altruistically.
"How on Earth did I get lost in here," Tom said in amazement
"It's a unit of electric current," said Tom amply.
"Orgasms are overrated," said Tom anticlimactically.
"Eat more fruit" said Tom, with aplomb.
"We had trouble with the propulsion systems for those moon flights," said the
NASA engineer apologetically.
"Here's the story of the Liberty Bell," Tom told us appealingly.
"My compliments to the company that makes the Macintosh computer," said Tom
applaudingly.
"I'm of greater value to you every day," said Tom appreciatively.
"I'll take that," said Tom appropriately.
"2 bdrm furn w 5 appl," said Tom aptly.
"Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I sleep in a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and
weekends I sleep in a teepee," said Tom very attentively.
"I always eat at McDonald's," said Tom archly.
"It's an actual parameter, not a formal parameter," was Tom's argument.
"You have the right to remain silent," said Tom arrestingly.
"I'm a better shot than William Tell," said Tom arrowgantly.
"I've had it up to here with Post-Modern Expressionism," said the goat artfully.
"One of the ten finalists in the 'London derriere' contest had to drop out,"
said Tom asininely.
"What's wrong with sodomy?" Petr asked.
"It's not a candy mint, it's a breath mint," Tom asserted.
"I should never have eaten all those beans", said Tom astutely.
"I wrote the book on that subject," said Tom authoritatively.
"Don't give me the gears!" said Tom automatically.
"In the beginning voz...," averred the German preacher.
"She's mine," averred the Cockney chauvinist.
"I don't want to rewrite this in prose," said Tom aversely.
"What do ants and bees use for cattle?" asked Tom avidly.
"{sum += $2} END {print sum}," said Tom awkwardly.
"That city will NEVER be rebuilt," the prophets babble on.
"I just swallowed a fishing lure," said Tom with baited breath.
"I'm going to get a hair transplant," said Tom baldly.
"This boat leaks," said Tom balefully.
"I'd better not go to prison," said Tom balefully.
"I'll get you out of prison in no time," said Tom balefully.
"!" said Tom while banging his head.
"Those ballet students should be forced to do their exercises in the nude," said
Tom barbarically.
"Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously.
"Dorothy, if you're going to Oz again, I'm going with you," Em barked.
"I use the Bourne Again Shell," said Tom bashfully.
"This is the most common language used on micros," said Tom basically.
"Take me to the dance," Mary bawled.
"This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily.
"Ouch! When I get stung, I want revenge," said Tom begrudgingly.
"I'm sure we can fool them into thinking this is pollen," said Tom beguilingly.
"I am NOT full of hot air," Tom belched.
"I'm being sent down to the minors," said Tom beleagueredly.
"Get out of here!" said Tom believingly.
"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed.
"Why shouldn't I stir my yogurt with a ballpoint pen?" Tom bickered.
"These bit patterns will be more readable in groups of 8," said Tom bitingly.
"Well, I got here with five minutes to spare," said Tom bitterly.
"Rasputin and I are lovers," said Nicholas bizarrely.
" ," said Tom blankly.
"My giant sea creature died," Tom wailed blubberingly.
"I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.
"I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.
"My fellow Americans," boomed Ronald Reagan, "I have just signed legislation to
outlaw the state of Russia for ever..."
"I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.
"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.
"My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after
him," Tom bragged.
"I ain't afraid of those white men," said Cochise bravely.
"Now no-one can detect my halitosis," said Tom breathlessly.
"There's a blood-sucking insect in my French cheese," said Tom briefly.
"Eating uranium can cause strange effects," said Tom brightly.
"Take tea and see," said Tom briskly.
"Use your own hair brush," Tom bristled.
"Get out of my hair," was Tom's brush-off.
"The stock market's going up," said Tom bullishy.
"That young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly.
"We don't have room for any more peripherals," said Tom bus-ily.
"You're busted!" said the policeman to Miss Parton.
"My wife is cheating on me," Tom cackled.
"Zoos are a necessary evil, I think," said Tom cagily.
"The pool player from USC had to drop out because the proper equipment didn't
arrive on time," Tom calculated.
"So this is your new computer!" said Tom calculatingly.
"Rowing so much hurts my hands," said Tom callously.
"No, I haven't read Voltaire," said Tom candidly.
"I've grown fat on the contents of charity packages," said Tom carefully.
"Why do you bother? I for one couldn't...," said Tom carelessly.
"I like this drill," said Tom as he carie'd out the dental work.
"Anybody call a cab?" asked Tom caringly.
"I don't work here on a regular basis," said Tom casually.
"This is a feline smilee." Tom catted.
"This is a *wild* feline smilee." Bob catted.
"That's price-fixing!" said Tom caustically.
"One can't dispute the fundamental importance of learning the alphabet," Abie
ceded.
"I'm afraid you've had a stroke," said Tom cerebrally.
"The number after nine must be knighted," said Tom certainly.
"I admit to being amused by your long joke with the stupid
punchline," said Tom, chagrined.
"I don't need the mantissa of the logarithm," said Tom characteristically.
"All ancient Chinese artifacts should be burned," said Tom charmingly.
"This is how we program." Flo charted
"It's not polite to look directly at a man," Mary chastised.
"I'm having an affair with my gamekeeper," said the lady chattily.
"Hurray for our team!" said Tom cheerfully.
"I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly.
"It's twelve noon," Tom chimed in.
"That gives me a birdie for this hole," Tom chipped in.
"You could try changing the layout of this microprocessor," Tom chipped in.
"I've got to stop this motor," Tom choked.
"That's my gold mine!" Tom claimed.
"Another plate of steamers all around!" Tom clamoured.
"My family has a great future," said Tom clandestinely.
"Help me set fire to this cross," said Tom clannishly.
"I'm going back to school soon," said Tom with class.
"I was completely exonerated," said Tom clearly.
"In my next film I play the part of Sir Edmund Hillary," said Tom climactically.
"My job is to lead the audience's applause," Tom clucked.
"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached.
"Let's play golf," said Tom coarsely.
"Have another soft drink," Tom coaxed.
"It's a rooster!" clucked Tom cockily.
"We're philatelists," they shouted collectively.
"I'm a Soviet military official," Tom commiserated.
"I'm putting this microfiche back where it belongs," said Tom complacently.
"Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now," said Tom conceitedly.
"MY frozen orange juice requires you to add SIX cans of water," said Tom with
great concentration.
"This is a really strong drug," Tom concluded.
"The prisoner escaped by climbing down a rope," said Tom condescendingly.
"I organized that big party for the prisoners," Tom confessed.
"The prisoners set up a corporation," the warden confirmed.
"I've become a hardened criminal," Tom confirmed.
"All right, I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume," the warden consented.
"We're currently thinking about a figure somewhere between 7 and 9," said Tom
considerately.
"Now how can I trick Sidney?" Tom considered.
"Don't worry, I'll take full responsibility for providing the prisoner with
getaway footwear," said Tom consolingly.
"Hey, what's it worth if I can help you to escape from prison?" asked Tom
contemptuously.
"The escaped prisoner is camping out in the woods," said Tom contentedly.
"I favour self-restraint everywhere in North America," said Tom continently.
"All I ever do is milk this damn cow," Tom uttered continuously.
"I have writer's block," said Tom contritely.
"I'm writing a poem about the rebels in Nicaragua," said Tom controversially.
"I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.
"We've taken over the government," the general cooed.
"I feel like a Chinese labourer," said Tom coolly.
"I deal with things by abstaining," said Tom copacetically.
"The size of those cobs is a-maize-ing!" was Tom's corny joke.
"It's better to steal things together," Tom corroborated.
"We could use the Geiger-Muller method to check for radiation leaks," Tom
countered.
"I manufacture those tabletops that separate store clerks from their customers",
said Tom counterproductively.
"I hate climbing this winding staircase," said Tom coyly.
"I'm going to lure them out." said Dee coyly.
"I hate shellfish," said Tom crabbedly.
"That's the last time I go to a whorehouse," said Tom crabbily.
"Have some cheese," said Tom craftily.
"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom crankily.
"I love supercomputers!" giggled Tom crayzily.
"I have a theory about how certain North American Indians maintained their
energy levels through the winter," said Tom creatively.
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
"Please, Christopher," said Tom crisply.
This must be the high-voltage lead, said Tom crisply.
"I'm dying," Tom croaked.
"Argh! Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" said Jesus
crossly.
"I've spotted more blackbirds than you have," Tom crowed.
"No negroes allowed!" Jim crowed.
"@#$%*! I've struck oil," said Tom crudely.
"Now THAT's sloppy embroidery," Tom needled cruelly.
"I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.
"Let's visit the tomb," said Tom cryptically.
"This has been a grave undertaking," said Tom cryptically.
"I wonder why uranium is fluorescent," said Mary curiously.
"So THAT's where the next character is going to appear," said Tom after a
cursory glance.
"This is as vile as the Threepenny Opera," said Tom curtly.
"I'm the butcher's helper," said Tom cuttingly.
"If the name 'St. Nicholas' for Santa Claus, and the name 'Old Nick' for the
Devil, both derive from the Teutonic sea god Hold Nickar, what does that tell
us about Santa Claus?" asked Tom cynically.
"I'm too smart to believe in Jesus Christ," said Tom with damnable cleverness.
"That hydroelectric facility is so beautiful I think I'll pass out!" said Tom,
fainting with dam praise.
"The eclipse is starting," said Tom darkly.
"I killed the Greek piper god," Tom deadpanned.
"I wonder if I'd have better luck if I fished with a net," Tom debated.
"How many dings you got in your door, there, Tom?" "Ten," Tom replied
decadently.
"Let's play musical chairs," said Tom deceitfully.
"What's wrong with a few tea leaves?" asked Tom deceivingly.
"Let me clean out this poison tank," said Tom deceptively.
"Well, that tree definitely isn't a conifer," Tom decided.
"I've had enough of this rotten apple juice," Tom decided.
"X is an integer," Tom declared.
"I'm not going to eat any more of those pastries," Tom de-eclaired.
"I've already given you the nominative, vocative, accusative, genitive, dative,
and ablative, so I will say no more," Tom declined.
"I don't want a bottle that can exist only in hyperspace," Tom declined.
"Adherents of my religion don't all have to believe the same thing," Tom
decreed.
"It's time to play my wild card," Tom deduced.
"Now I'll NEVER dance," said Tom defeatedly.
"I have to attend my PhD oral examination," said Tom defensively.
"Sure, I'll get rid of those jewels for you," said Tom defensively.
"I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign," fumed Tom defensively.
"Okay, you can have the gloves without lining," Tom deferred.
"I still think we should differentiate the magnetic flux," said Tom defiantly.
"I won't listen to you, Leonard!" said Tom def-t-Lee.
"You are going to fail my class," said the teacher degradingly.
"I have a B.A. in social work," said Tom with a degree of concern.
"I think all those feminists should be forced to work as housewives," said Tom
deliberately.
"People who sell fancy foods should be careful with knives," said Tom
delicately.
"Oh, goody! Another blackout!" said Tom delightedly.
"Welcome to the Annual Meatcutter's Convention!" delivered Tom.
"The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show," said Tom deludedly.
"This is how to put an imp in a restraining jacket," Tom demonstrated.
"This, that, these, those, and such," said Tom demonstratively.
"Wouldn't just gold and frankincense do?" the Magi demurred.
"I CAN'T be drowning in African waters!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial.
"My clothes are all wrinkled," said Tom, depressed.
"I have to insert this wooden spatula in your mouth," said Tom depressingly.
"Get off the horse," Tom derided Mary.
"No pilaf for me, please," said Tom derisively. (Or: "Get off my lap," said
Gary Hart derisively.)
"This is how he murdered the mystery writer," Tom described.
"He is tall, dark and handsome." Dee scribed.
"Let me improvise this part," said Tom descriptively.
"I haven't put air in my fifth tire," said Tom despairingly.
"It's best to find a new word for this," Tom determined.
"I saw that man remove my ballot from the box," said Tom devotedly.
"My word is final!" Tom dictated to his secretary.
"Of course you graduated," said Tom diplomatically.
"I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.
"Drop the gun," Tom said with a disarming smile.
"All I want is 20,000 machine guns," said the dictator disarmingly.
"There are no more I/O operations to do today," Tom disclosed. (Or: "This
slipped object is hard to find," the surgeon disclosed.)
"I'll not have you punk rockers making music in MY auditorium," said Tom
disconcertingly.
"Let me out of this embassy," said Tom disconsolately.
"Someone stole my computer terminal," said Tom disconsolately.
"I'm a frayed knot," said Tom discordantly.
"And dat bay is not green," Tom discovered.
"Dat is not duh @#$%*! way to do it," Tom discussed.
"Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.
"I have to wear this cast for another six weeks," said Tom disjointedly.
"Oh-No, it'll soon be June," Tom said in dismay.
"Let's get married," said Tom dismissively.
"I just got a sex change," said Tom, feeling rather disorganized.
"I just got kicked out of China!" said Tom, rather disoriented.
"I'd like to go to a seance," said Tom dispiritedly.
"Turn the record player down," said Tom disquietingly.
"Out, out, damned spot!" said Lady Macbeth distainfully. "Look what you did to
the rug, you naughty dog!"
"Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.
"I'm tearing my hair out over this problem," said Tom distressingly.
"I need a Latin Bible suitable for reading under water," Tom divulged.
"I've got to reach Kenilworth tonight," said Tom, trotting doggedly onward.
"Female canines often scratch the parasites on the coats of their young," said
Tom dogmatically.
"I'm on welfare," said Tom dolefully.
"I won't believe that you're the resurrected Jesus until I've felt the
nail-holes in your wrists," said Tom doubtingly.
"I dropped my brace over the balcony," said Tom downcastly.
"This feather seems to improve the act," said Tom dramatically.
"I'm pretty good at basketball," said Tom, dribbling.
"I never go into saloons," said Tom drily. "I've seen too many of my friends
enter them optimistically and leave them mistyoptically."
"Barman, three German beers," said Hans dryly.
"Bartender, I'll have another martini," Tom said dryly.
"All I ever do is work," Tom droned.
"I wonder what syllables I should sing these sixteenth notes to," said Ward
Swingle dubiously.
"Look out for that bird!" cried Tom, ducking.
"Why would anyone want to start an Institute for the Mute?" asked Tom
dumbfoundedly.
"I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully.
"Why use SI units? The old c.g.s. units are my friends," said Tom dynamically.
"You've stowed his ashes commendably," was Tom's well-earned compliment.
"I am NOT a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom in dead earnest.
"Now I can do some painting," said Tom easily.
"I've declared the variable X so that its value is saved from one procedure
invocation to the next," said Tom ecstatically.
"I heard a rumor about you." Al edged.
"Edward, you're my best friend in these parts, I gar-ron-tee!" said Tom
ed-u-cajun-ally.
"The enemy has taken stronghold F," said Tom effortlessly.
"Yes, I was in the chicken coop when it exploded," admitted Tom, with egg on his
face.
"I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated climactically.
"British English, of course," Di elected to say.
"This computer display is shocking," said Tom electrically.
"Vote for Reagan," said Tom electronically.
"|\/|," said Tom emphatically.
"Let's get married," said Tom engagingly.
"I got a personal letter from Ann Landers," was Tom's epigraph.
"I just hung my sheets on the clothesline," said Tom erringly.
"I'm going after that red fish," said Tom erringly.
"Eureka!" said Archimedes to the skunk.
"I wouldn't marry you even if you were the only woman on earth!" said Tom
evenly.
"Just what kind of show can this troupe 'The Humpty Dumpties' put on?" asked Tom
exactingly.
"Now we remove the NH2 group," said Tom during the examination.
"I've changed my name to Al," said Hal, exasperated.
"I wrote that window system for MIT," Tom exclaimed.
"!" exclaimed Mark.
"I had to fire my first mate when she got too heavy for the boat," said Tom
excruciatingly.
"Let's kill him," said the executive.
"Here, son, have a free balloon!" said Tom expansively.
"My mother's sister will be here any minute," said Tom expectantly.
"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.
"Perhaps he's a former Palestinian commie?" explored Tom.
"But suppose X does exist after all," Tom expostulated.
"Take that, you bitch," O.J. expounded.
"You must give me my alimony," expressed Tom's former wife, after which Tom
almost expounded.
"These genes are dominant," said Tom expressively.
"I used to work for Kelly Services," Tom extemporized.
"I used to work for the railway company," said Tom extraneously.
"I used to command a battalion of German ants," said Tom exuberantly.
"I failed my electrocardiogram," said Tom faint-heartedly.
"That's a lie!" said Tom in falsetto.
"I am NOT on drugs!" said Tom in high falsetto.
"Please keep Ian on salary even if he does no work; banish not sweet Ian, kind
Ian, true Ian, valiant Ian from thy company," was Tom's Falstaffian plea.
"I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the roof," said Tom
fanatically.
"The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging those
passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events," said Tom with
considerable fanfare.
"The Soviet press is useful on hot days," said Tom fantastically.
"I'm 'drawing' the butter," Tom clarified fatuously.
"I don't want my cow to be artificially inseminated," was Tom's favourable
response.
"Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, funf, eins, zwei, drei, funf!" said the
German commander fearlessly.
"You can use my stud for 100 dollars," was Tom's feeble offer.
"I'll go get the stick," said Tom fetchingly.
"I could always draw it on paper," Tom figured.
"I think I'll put new stuffing in that old settee," said Tom fill-a-sofa-cally.
"Albert, that illegal left turn is going to cost you twenty bucks," said the
policeman finally.
"I'm reporting that graffiti." Dee filed.
"I plan to work for Digital," said Tom, giving me the finger.
"My spinal cord has been given notice," Tom fired back.
"I'm just not attracted to you," said Tom flaccidly.
"You should *never* burn the Stars and Stripes!" cried Tom flagrantly.
"This must be Nebraska," Tom stated flatly.
"Here's an epenthetic stamp," said Tom f'lat'ly.
"Ships ahoy!" said Tom fleetingly.
"I love trying to make insects fly," said Tom flippantly.
"You're losing your grippe!" said Tom fluently.
"I wouldn't mind running my fingers over THOSE!" said Tom fondly.
"I don't know how much longer I'll need only three of my houses," said Tom
forebodingly.
"I'm no good at golf. I know I'm going to hit another bad shot," Tom
forewarned.
"Now all I have to do for this banknote is engrave the portrait," Tom forged
ahead.
"I will NOT finish in fifth place," Tom held forth.
"I got the first three wrong," said Tom forthrightly.
"I do NOT have a multiple personality disorder," said Tom, trying to be frank.
"I'll have a hot dog," said Tom frankly.
"My guitar is broken," Tom fretted.
"I can't play the guitar because my fingers are too big," said Tom fretfully.
"Dance in lane," said the sign frugally.
"Please pass me the oranges," was Tom's fruitless request.
"I TOLD you not to smoke in bed," Tom fumed.
"I don't believe in mixed marriages," said Tom gaily.
"Je suis francais," Tom had the gall to claim.
"That young insect is female," said Tom gallantly.
"I won't be on time for the Christmas party because some joker put glue on the
bottoms of my shoes," Tom gesticulated.
"Oh, this house tastes good!" said Hansel and Gretel, gingerly.
"Someone bumped into me while I was brushing my teeth," said Tom with a gleam in
his eye.
"Help, I'm drowning!" was Tom's glib, glib, glib chortle.
"PLEASE don't let me fall apart," pleaded Tom gloomily.
"Eating uranium makes me feel funny," said Tom glowingly.
"For the meal we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful,"
said Tom gracefully.
"Oh my goodness!" said Tom graciously.
"I don't have to stand upright," said Tom grandly.
"My dime rolled into the sewer," cried Tom gratefully.
"Where's the cheese?" asked Tom gratingly.
"I'll try to dig up a couple of friends," said Tom gravely.
"Let's invite Greg and Gary," said Tom gregariously.
"I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.
"I've got sand in my food," said Tom grittily.
"I can eat one hundred and forty-four," Tom boasted grossly.
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
"I am so one of the seven dwarfs!" he said grumpily.
"Mash that avocado and add some seasoning," said Tom guacamole.
"I know how to communicate sequential processes," said the whore guardedly.
"Company's coming," Tom guessed.
"I must be on a visit," Tom guessed.
"I don't have a boyfriend," said Mary guilelessly.
"It's just gold leaf," said Tom guiltily.
"And to think I swallowed that lie, hook, line and sinker!" Tom gulped.
"I've struck oil!" Tom gushed.
"I've been having an incontinence problem," Tom gushed.
"That may cause my violin strings to snap," was Tom's gut reaction.
"The pH of this solution is just 3.5," said Tom half-assedly.
"Argh, I've just been stabbed!" said Tom half-heartedly.
"Looks uncomputable to me," said Tom haltingly.
"Mr. Rockefeller did not bring his wife," said Tom haplessly.
"Don't rest on your laurels," said Tom hardily.
"Oh, stop talking about the Dreyfus case. Don't you like the colour of my
eyes?" asked Esther hazily.
"Theodore, you will soon be promoted from editor to editor-in-chief," said the
cannibal heatTedly.
"I've gained thirty pounds," said Tom heavily.
"These boxing gloves are too big," said Tom heavy-handedly.
"It's my maid's night off," said Tom helplessly.
"I am NOT on drugs," said Tom in a high falsetto.
"May I leave the room?" asked the schoolboy, high-handedly.
"I climbed Mount Everest," said Tom hilariously.
"I'm no communist," Alger hissed.
"Nay!" Tom bridled hoarsely.
"I feel empty inside," Tom hollered.
"Troops, I guess there won't be a Christmas show this year," said Tom
hopelessly.
"It's Jack the Ripper!" said Tom horrendously.
"Have a ride in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.
"These pants are not short enough," said Mary hotly.
"The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm," said Tom humorlessly.
"Dogs are a great menace!" barked Tom huskily.
"I cut off the bottoms of my trousers so they wouldn't drag in the mud," said
Tom hygienically.
"Hey, like, sailing the seven seas is really far out, man," said Tom
hypnotically.
"Boy, that's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically.
"We need a 10-gauge needle," Tom hypothesized.
"Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?" asked Mary hysterically.
"Shall I frost the cake?" Tom offered icily.
"Pass the cards," said Tom ideally.
"It's a pity that Amin managed to escape from Uganda when his ship of state went
under," said Tom idiosyncratically.
"Let's trap that sick bird," said Tom illegally.
"Alas, I am sick with love for the fair Igraine!" said Uther Pendragon
illustriously (and achingly).
"I can split demons in two," Tom imparted.
"This chicken has no beak," said Tom impeccably.
"I run a fairground attraction called 'See a real demon for only one cent!'"
said Tom impenitently.
"Promote that demon to the House of Lords," commanded Tom imperiously.
"I brush my teeth every five minutes," said Tom implacably.
"There's nothing wrong with demons," was Tom's implicit message.
"Gremlins must have done it!" Tom implied.
"Close the hatch! We're being invaded by bugs!" said Tom importantly.
"Demons can be robbed," said Tom improbably.
"Boy, am I impressed!" said Tom as he joined the British Navy.
"I keep picking up radio signals from outer space," said Tom impulsively.
"I'm taking over this hotel," said Tom inappropriately.
"Things are always happening to me," said Tom incidentally.
"The laser is broken," said Tom incoherently.
"I come to this hotel year after year for the science fiction convention," said
Tom inconsequentially.
"Why you parasitic insect, our debts now exceed our assets!" said Tom
incredulously.
"I'm not sure how I feel about that particular matrix operation," said Tom
indeterminately.
"I sent Kathleen on a mission to the Antilles," Tom indicated.
"Use phenolphthalein," Tom indicated.
"I learned a lot about women while I was in Paris," said Tom indifferently.
"I have a date with Linda Lovelace," Tom said indifferently.
"There's safety in unexciting gentlemen," said Mary indulgently.
"I like measles!" laughed Tom infectiously.
"She must be wearing mink," Tom inferred.
"She wore a smoke-coloured dress at dinner," said Tom ingratiatingly.
"Have it monogrammed," was Tom's initial suggestion.
"I hope you're not afraid of needles," Tom injected.
"May I join your group and sing, too?" Tom inquired.
"I'm easily moved to anger," said Tom insensibly.
"You're a wicked glutton," Tom insinuated.
"I'm not leaving the chapel until I finish this painting," Michelangelo
insisted.
"Let's have a crimson display -- and turn up the brightness," said Tom with
passionate intensity.
"What I do best on a camping trip is sleep," said Tom intently.
"Cheryl, you stand between Ella and Pauline," interposed the photographer.
"This is not a Black and White issue," Tom intoned.
"I've got to find out why my broker got fired," said Tom as he investigated.
"Nothing is indelible," said Tom irascibly.
"Your drip-dries are crumpled," said the laundress ironically.
"I'm a Reagan-watcher," said Tom ironically.
"There is no end to this sequence of digits," said Tom irrationally.
"My Chinese necklace has been stolen," said Mary jadedly.
"Alouette, je te plumerai," sang Tom jauntily.
"Your meat, madam!" announced the two butcher boys jointly.
"I always stammer just before July," was Tom's jejune explanation.
"I plan to start a cattle ranch in a space station orbiting Jupiter," said Tom
joveally.
"The insect in William's hand is wearing a yarmulka!" said Tom jubilantly.
"Let's eat kosher tonight," said Tom judiciously.
"After the trial I sold a dozen pieces of the rock," said the insurance salesman
jurisprudently.
"I like ragged margins," said Tom without justification.
"Why do they burn aromatic substances at these tournaments?" asked Tom, justly
incensed.
"It's a bad hobbit," said Tom, not at all keenly.
"I want to hear my baby bleat," Mary kidded.
"This will get me into the royal bedroom," said Tom kinkily.
"When I'm worried, I feel an overwhelming urge to cry 'Eep!'" said Tom,
knee-deep in trouble.
"I've run out of wool," said Tom, knitting his brow.
"Necessity is no excuse," was Tom's knock-knee'd opinion.
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