Canonical List Of Men-vs-Women Humor 1/2
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Canonical List Of Men-vs-Women Humor (Battle Of The Sexes)
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CONTENTS
MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR
RIDDLES ABOUT MEN
QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT MEN
WOMEN JOKES AND SEXIST HUMOR
RIDDLES ABOUT WOMEN
QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT WOMEN
RELATIONSHIPS
================================================================================
== MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR ================================================
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4
inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for
ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
(Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other
elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the
malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
reaction style.
Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out,
"Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Jane: If you supply the whips.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as
if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me
you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she
continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for
directions."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished,
the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the
repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the
TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch
some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting
hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out,
marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set
again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did
you?"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in
the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He
demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?!?!!"
The wife turned to the other man and replied, "See, I told you he was as dumb
as a post."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis.
The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was
also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God
had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of
them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid
Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you
create a masterpiece.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today.
I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five
dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------
A giant truck stops to pick up a hitchhikeress. The driver opens the door and
says, "Come on in. I'm not like the other ones that only let the good-looking
girls have a ride."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an
empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen,
a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car
breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they
will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor
problem.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on
the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten
minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind
if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human
race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated
customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your
graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if
nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few,
restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If
visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use
the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.
Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management
of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are
around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available.
Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the
remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't
near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you
forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a
poor substitute.
Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)
a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close
to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from
someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into
the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.
Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom
Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks
around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his
shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the
center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts
to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a
long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from
sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full
condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his
penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to
pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up
ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great
flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how
many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating
around in the water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall
to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or
garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's
organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with
his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim
accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and
pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his
shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands
as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as
he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the
man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes
the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left
the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick
inspection.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a
Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but
everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man
that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, "that's ok."
The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds
the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the
man says, "that's okay."
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
From the Rochester "Democrat and Chronicle", 4/14/92
Pittsburgh (AP) - If the Titanic went down today, a little more than a third
of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families,
according to a newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people
interviewed for the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's" 'Titanic Test.' Everybody would
be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The Titanic's April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men;
about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were
scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats with
"women and children first."
The "Post-Gazette" asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save
their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers. The
survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male
passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to
Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says,
"My cock is longer than that cat's tail."
A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and
measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a
moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?"
"From the asshole." says the bartender.
"Well, kindly do me the same favor."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
From A Woman's Viewpoint
Guys, you know how things go. You've been dating the most wonderful girl in
the world for several weeks, even several months, when something odd happens.
Maybe something small, like her starting to wear a particularly rancid brand of
perfume, or maybe something major, like her informing you that she was only
kidding when she said she adored football. Whatever. All you know is that the
thrill has ebbed. Your dreams of this girl are no longer feverish. Your finger
seems loath to dial her number; you become re-enamored of airline stewardesses.
The love affair is, in fact, history.
That middle period of relationships, that perilous time between the
starry-eyed first moments and the cozy, settled period when you may even have
the nerve to fart in bed, is always fraught. It's tricky business, getting to
know each other, a pitfall-a-minute affair. And we women can be just as finicky
as men. Strike the wrong note and we have a tendency to go off our feed
completely. Therefore, I am going to list some common grievances, the things
that make womens' eyes go opaque and cause them to stop returning phone calls.
1. Playing Hard To Get. If a man constantly breaks dates at the last minute
and is often seen squiring different blondes around town, a woman will quickly
tire of him. We've all played that game called "I don't like you as much as you
like me", usually in junior high school. A few of us will play this game
unceasingly, but most of us have better things to do with our time, such as
crocheting doilies. So don't say you're going to call when you're not, don't
leave lipstick-stained cigarette butts in your ashtrays, don't disappear for
weeks at a time. We'll only yawn.
2. Playing Easy To Get. We don't like this, either. (Damn, we're picky!)
There is something off-putting about a man who brings up marriage and children
during the first weeks of courtship, who discusses adjoining burial plots on the
first date, or who professes undying love with lightning speed. A human door
mat is neither amusing nor attractive. And we all know (too well) that a man
who is too intense too soon has no staying power; he is in love with love and
not with us.
3. Refusing To Gossip, Especially After A Juicy Party. This is crucial.
Most women will forgive a man anything...trampling her flower beds, ignoring her
nipples, forgetting her birthday...if only he will stop pretending not to enjoy
a good gossip. There is nothing in the world more irritating than a man who
preserves a stony silence in the car ride home from a dinner party where Gladys
pulled Myrna's husband into the broom closet while Myrna decided it would be fun
to launch into an impromptu cancan right after George announced his sexual
preference for Lithuanian bus boys.
4. Forgetting Foreplay. One must never, as John Cleese put it, stampede the
clitoris. All men know this during their dispassionate, reflective moments, but
when sexual lust rears its insistent head, some men become stricken with amnesia
and think they can just hop on and go at it. They can't. It takes us, I don't
know, approximately 11.7 minutes to become fully aroused. We like to be fondled,
we like to be kissed, we like to be told how gorgeous we are, we crave more than
a bare minimum of caresses. Otherwise, we become cold and hard, which is not
the way you want us.
5. A Plethora Of After-Shave. Or, God forbid, cologne. I personally prefer
the smell of clean, honest sweat above all else, but many women delight in a
hint of subtle fragrance. None of us, however, is partial to an overpowering,
mind-numbing, sticky-sweet odor, so be gentle with your Brut. And eschew all
"essential oils" purporting to smell like strawberries.
6. Telling Dirty Jokes To Get Us In The Mood. No, we are not interested in
the antics of the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, though we may be
vaguely intrigued to learn what the bishop said to the actress. The trouble is,
most dirty jokes are not funny. They are simply slimy, smutty, smarmy, and
stupid. These things do not, somehow, turn us on and get us in the right mood.
7. Plying Us With Drinks And Drugs To Get Us In The Mood. We will not
respect you for this clicheed ploy. We may even become contrary.
8. Plying Yourself With Drinks And Drugs. I have a good friend who often
tells the story of a man who, after knowing her for two weeks, decided it would
be fun for her to see him at his worst. He was a wonderful, brilliant, witty
man, but she wasn't prepared to deal with him as a Romilar and Wild Turkey-
saturated psychopath.
9. Bad Laundry Habits. There are men who forget to wash their sheets for
months on end. They think they're being clever buying that dark paisley
pattern, but the nose, unfortunately, knows. Clothes must also be washed
occasionally; it's no good taking a shower only to climb into clothes exuding
petrified body odor.
10. Being Overly Critical. Too much criticism makes anyone want to curl up
into a ball.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
No Spitting - A Concise Guide to Life
Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1) The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night.
2) Patchouli oil.
3) Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red
Riding Hood.
4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't
evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in
storage).
5) Anyone whose keys you don't have.
Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1) Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos.
2) Carnations.
3) Gladiolus.
4) Dyed daisies.
Five things people don't do anymore:
1) Polish their shoes.
2) Pull out a chair for women, or anyone else for that matter.
3) Look you in the eye when shaking your hand at a party.
4) R.S.V.P. on time.
5) Remember that a man doesn't shake a women's hand unless and until she extends
her's.
Nine things people shouldn't do anymore:
1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant.
2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers.
3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter.
4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00.
5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix.
6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo.
7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment.
8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side.
9) Pretend that love is all you need.
Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1) A corkscrew.
2) Candles.
3) Garlic.
4) An '82 Bordeaux.
5) A deck of cards.
6) An umbrella you can lend.
7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth.
8) An extra Interplak attachment.
Eleven things you should try once:
1) Boudin.
2) Disney World.
3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again).
4) Reading Jane Austen.
5) Going to the movies alone.
6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it
(wedding bands and school rings don't count).
7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror.
8) Yoga.
9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy.
10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious.
11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week.
Five indications that your clothes fit:
1) No one tickles an exposed piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest.
2) You can bear hug yourself.
3) You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the doubt
patrol started doing its number).
4) You don't readjust every time you stand up.
5) You can dance in them.
Four constructive approaches to thinning hair:
1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular, team spirit?).
2) Wear it short.
3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin.
4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner.
Three places you should go dressed 'to die for':
1) A great restaurant where you've made no reservations.
2) Your mother's, it's about time she saw you looking good.
3) Wherever they're giving you the award.
Five hints that you're wearing too much black:
1) You approach your closet with a flashlight.
2) You sense your local priest is jealous.
3) It takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd.
4) Gray is starting to look colorful.
5) Widows tell you to cheer up.
Seven musts to have in your car:
1) A detailed map covering a 50-mile radius from your home.
2) Tissues and napkins.
3) Quarters.
4) Breath freshener and eye drops.
5) A valet key (which starts the car but not open the trunk).
6) Glass cleaner.
7) A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something equally awakening.
Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix:
1) Whipped cream.
2) A hat.
3) A turtle neck.
4) Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then saying that everything you've made
tonight is Moroccan.
5) A trunkload of flowers.
Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S':
1) Scissors.
2) Studs.
3) Shoehorns.
4) Shoelaces.
5) Styptic pencils.
Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun:
1) The sole is as high as the heel.
2) It has more perforations that you colander.
3) No animal would recognize the skin as its own.
4) The salesman keeps referring to how comfortable it is.
Five remarks people will thank you for making:
1) About something green on their teeth.
2) "Half-mast, buddy!"
3) Where to vote.
4) What color brings out their eyes.
5) That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper.
Four remarks no one will thank you for making:
1) "I used to go out with her too."
2) "Gosh, you look tired."
3) "I think you missed the litter basket."
4) "Wearing that red ribbon doesn't mean you're actually doing anything about
AIDS"
Ten Actions you should know how to do:
1) Tie a bow tie on someone else.
2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen.
3) Keep a secret.
4) Perform CPR.
5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Console someone without platitudes.
7) Change a diaper.
8) Take a compliment with grace.
9) Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress.
10) Drive a car.
You must remember these:
1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes.
2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you.
3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself.
4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day.
5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10.
6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else.
7) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.
8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand
each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is
required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The
Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life
Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You
Really Try
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning,
Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The
Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top
Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------
Greeting Cards Oriented Towards The Male Buyer
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased
by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards,
the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male
buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Consolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field
holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------
From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six,
presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3.
Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
Why Map Y?
Advances in medical science have allowed geneticists to map out the ever finer
details of the mysterious Y chromosome. Geneticists the world over have been
astir over the recent discoveries of the following gene loci, which had
previously been observed for centuries but, up to now, never been associated
directly with genetic or environmental factors in the male Homo Sapien species:
- - - - ____
11.32 /____\ --- Testis Determining Factor (TDF)
|____|
11.31 | | --- Three Stooges Appreciation
| | (Curly Stimulation Factor, CSF)
p | | --- Gadgetry (MAC-locus)
11.2 | | -\
| | > Channel Flipping (FLP)
| | -/
|----| --- Catching and Throwing (BLZ-1)
11.1 | | --- Self-confidence (BLZ-2) (unlinked to ability)
_ _ _ _ \--/
/--\
11.1 | | Ability to remember and tell jokes (GOT-1)
|----| --/
| | --- Sports Page (BUD-E)
11.21 | ||--- Addiction to death and destruction movies (T-2)
| | \-- Air Guitar (RIF)
11.22 |____| \- Ability to identify aircraft (DC-10)
|____|
q | ||--- Preadolescent fascination with Arachnida/Reptilia
| | (MOM-4U)
11.23 | ||--- Spitting (P2E)
| | \-- Sitting on toilet reading (linked to Sports Page)
| |
|____||--- Inability to express affection over the phone (ME-2)
| | \- Selective hearing loss (HUH?)
| | \
12.0 | | Total lack of recall for dates (OOPS)
| |
| |
| |
- - - - \--/
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic
atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene
in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that
are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants
is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the
dumber sex?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
A woman's idea of the perfect man is someone who is obedient, well-mannered,
faithful, can empty the garbage, and is a great lover in bed. Now if only you
could train a dog to have sex in positions other than doggie style and
bestiality was more socially accepted...
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the
worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also
care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen
you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the
receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------
It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the
physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor
of John Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end
up with a guy with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm
of Ted Koppel.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women
complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing
as a good man.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------
At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the
perfect item. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking
space.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------
If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday,
outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of
maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------
So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear
toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs...and say they want a "real
women"!
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------
The Single Woman's Language Guide
How To Translate Menspeak
When He Says He Really Means
------------ ---------------
Do you have the time? to go to bed
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
How To Verbalize To A Man When Breaking Up With Him
Men are often so wrapped up in their work, with their professions being such a
large part of their personal identity, that when a woman wants to break up a
relationship with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key words he uses on
the job, words that he will understand clearly.
If He Is A... Say To Him, "Our relationship has...
-------------------------- -------------------------------------
armchair athlete without a job. been shut out 45 to 0 with 18 turnovers."
astronomer been a black hole."
banker/accountant gone bankrupt."
bartender been on the rocks."
boxer been K.O.'d."
bus driver reached the end of the line."
carpenter had a sinking foundation."
chemist been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor been malpracticed."
economist been in a ten year recession."
electrician been short circuited."
engineer been miscalculated."
fireman been burned to the ground."
football player been fumbled at the one yard line."
geologist been taken for granite."
lawyer been given the death penalty."
mathematician been taken to the limit."
milkman gone sour."
miner gone bust."
opera star reached its grand finale."
personnel worker been terminated."
physicist lacked harmonic motion."
pilot lost power in all its engines."
policeman copped out."
politician been impeached."
programmer been core dumped."
race car driver run its course."
sailor lost at sea."
soldier been wiped out."
teacher flunked out."
truck driver overturned on our highway of life."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 48 =--------------------------------------
Men And Automobiles
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts
slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The
transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of
low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the
slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one
wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with
pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The
thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The
headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the
impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the
primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 49 =--------------------------------------
Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 50 =--------------------------------------
A man knows:
a) every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same
about his girlfriend.
b) knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding
anniversary.
c) can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 51 =--------------------------------------
Men will do anything for women except not fall asleep immediately after sex,
tell women what's wrong when they ask, and ask for directions when they're
driving.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 52 =--------------------------------------
The average bachelor really believes he is cooking when he adds milk to a bowl
of cereal, heats up a slice of pizza in the microwave, picks up the phone and
orders Chinese food, warms up leftovers that his mom put in the refrigerator.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 53 =--------------------------------------
All too often, when a man is thinking about a birthday present for his lady, he
will wait until the last minute to buy it, ignore any hints that she has
dropped, and then buy the wrong size, color, and style.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 54 =--------------------------------------
(true story!)
Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a
week-long business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off,
she asked, "Did you miss me?"
I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 55 =--------------------------------------
Meat, Cars, (And Sexual Politics)
In her remarkable book, "The Sexual Politics of Meat", Carol Adams
provocatively attempts to portray vegetarianism as a feminist issue. I found
myself amazed by the extent to which the symbol of meat and the objectification
of women permeates our society. I was struck with the possibility that it may
be possible and interesting to integrate other issues in a similar way, with the
hope of inspiring a spirit of unity among those struggling for separate, yet
tangential, causes. I in no way intend to demean the issue of vegetarianism,
the anti-car movement, or feminism. Instead, I hope that I can strengthen them
all by increasing the awareness of those involved in one issue of the relative
importance of the others.
In America, the standard diet dictates the serving of meat at each and every
meal. In a similar manner, the automobile reigns as the primary form of
transportation in our cities. It is difficult to discern which trend is more
disastrous to our bodies, our society as a whole, the ecology of the planet, and
all of the creatures who inhabit it.
The Myth Of Masculinity
While "The Sexual Politics of Meat" is provocative in its attempting to
identify the culture of meat as a male-dominated culture that adds to the
objectification of women, it is even easier to see how the keeping and
maintaining of automobiles is a male-dominated trend. In fact, just as most
butchers are men, so are most mechanics. While women are often called pieces of
meat, it is just as common to refer to cars as is if they are women: "She's got
a slick motor and rides smooth and clean." What about the calendar photos that
are so common, of female models clad in swimsuits atop sports-cars? The owning
of an automobile is a rite of passage for the male in our culture. It is how a
boy "gets laid", by picking-up the girl in his car, which provides them with the
independence required to have sex. The bicycle is viewed as nothing more than a
child's toy which is outgrown during the passage to adulthood. Also, it is
continuously pressed on the growing boy the need to consume plenty of animal
protein, so that he will be "strong". Both the failure to own a car and the
refusal to eat meat by a male result in a similar stigma: emasculation.
As a side note, the development of the bicycle rapidly escalated the pace of
women's liberation in America and Europe. First of all, it allowed women to set
out on their own and travel with a reasonable level of safety and previously
unheard of level of independence. It also brought the wearing of pants among
women ("bloomers", they were called) into acceptance, for many women simply
refused to wear highly impractical dresses while riding their bikes. Ted
White's film "The Return of the Scorcher" has more details on this phenomenon.
The Health And Well-Being Of Individuals And Society
The private automobile is the most wasteful form of transportation currently
in use, in terms of energy consumption. The eating of animal flesh is the many
times more wasteful than the eating plants, as much energy is lost in the
process. Up to thirty times more energy is used in driving a given distance as
opposed to bicycling the same distance. A cow must be fed twenty grams of
protein for every gram of protein its meat yields. The auto industry requires a
steady influx of gasoline, a non-renewable resource, in order to keep
functioning, resulting in tremendous bloodshed in the Middle East. The meat
industry is also incredibly dependent upon fossil fuels, what with all the
hauling cows to slaughter and the fuel used in growing and transporting all the
food to feed livestock. Over 85% of all grain grown in the U.S. is fed to
livestock! Our land is being paved to death: over forty percent of all urban
land in the United States is devoted to roads, parking lots, and auto-related
businesses. The continued over- grazing of cows on public and private land is
causing widespread erosion and environmental devastation. The smog and
pollution caused by over-reliance on the automobile is a public health hazard.
The consumption of animal products has been linked to heart disease, colon
cancer, obesity, and various other health disorders.
To quote Ernest Callenbach, author of "Ecotopia", the three great threats to
the environment are: "Cows, cars, and chain-saws."
Industry And Misinformation
Six of the ten largest corporations in America are in the oil or automobile
industries. They have a lock on the media and bombard us with their endless
stream of advertisements for their cars and car-products, never once mentioning
the hazards involved or the alternatives available. They fiercely fight the
development of alternate forms of transportation, such as light rail and
bicycle-pedestrian-only areas. The meat and dairy industry has been the primary
source of nutritional "education" in our schools, contributing free educational
products promoting the nutritional "necessity" of meat and dairy products. They
have lobbied tirelessly for maintaining the "Four Food Groups" model of a
balanced diet that most of us grew up with, where half of the model is made up
of animal products, even though it is widely accepted that the new food pyramid
is a much healthier model. The meat industry and fast food industry have also
spread their brainwashing message through advertising, almost rivaling the auto
industry with their unavoidably offensive billboard campaigns.
What About The Animals?
It is widely estimated that over four-hundred million animals die from being
struck by automobiles each year, world-wide. That's over a million a day! More
than vivisection, even. Their deaths are often slow and excruciatingly painful.
Everywhere they are built, the construction of roads tears apart ecosystems and
kills countless numbers of the plants and animals who inhabit them. While I
have seen articles on roadkill in animal rights magazines, I have never once
seen one of them encourage people to stop driving as an option. Every year,
over billions of animals are killed simply for the pleasure of the taste of
their flesh. Most of the animals are forced to live in tortuous conditions far
removed from their natural habitats.
Everyday Actions And Benefits
Curtailing automobile use is a simple, direct action that anyone can do.
Reducing one's consumption of meat is just as simple and effective. Neither of
these actions require any activism, just a bit of effort. Progressive activists
of all stripes should be able to make these simple lifestyle changes without
detracting anything from their own personal cause. In fact, the health benefits
of both bicycle riding and a vegan diet are reasons alone for anyone, not to
mention all the money you'll save.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 56 =--------------------------------------
There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women. When
he comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?" When
he gets married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride." And when
he kicks the bucket, what do people say? "How much did he leave her?"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 57 =--------------------------------------
Are you a heterosexual, monogamous male? The latest research indicates that
there a dozens of HMM's in our nation's armed services alone. Of course, many
straight men are afraid to come out and openly express their true feelings
towards women and fidelity. They may be afraid to face the ridicule of those in
the majority of Americans who find it hard to accept the premise that a man
could possibly want to become and stay married to a person of the opposite sex.
They may fear discrimination in the workplace, or possibly in finding suitable
housing where they can be free to live the "straight" lifestyle. Some HMM's are
afraid that their unpopular views may result in them being branded "politically
incorrect". Tragically, many Americans may be HMM's and not even know it.
Are you a HMM? Are you sure? Could you possibly be running from the
heterosexual trapped within you? Don't be afraid. Answer the questions below
and add up your score. You might just surprise yourself.
1. Are you a biological male?
(10 points for yes. 5 points if you had to check your driver's license.)
2. Which term best describes you?
(Married to only one Woman = 5 points; Engaged to only one Woman = 3
points, Dating only one Woman = 2 points; Dating several women, or at
least not dating any men = 1 point.)
3. If you had to watch one of the following movies ("Patton", "The
Magnificent Seven", "Thelma and Louise", "The Longest Yard", "The Dirty
Dozen"), which would you choose?
(5 points for any response except "Thelma and Louise".)
4. Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements which is true
of you:
I own a dog.
I own a gun.
I like Clint Eastwood movies.
I wear lots of plaid, flannel shirts.
I won't drink espresso.
I have purchased power tools for myself in the last month.
I secretly believe that I could have whipped Mike Tyson.
I wish Mel Gibson would keep his pants on.
I don't see what's so funny about Homer Simpson.
I don't need a man's attention to make me feel attractive.
If you scored between 20 and 30 points, you could quite possibly be a HMM.
Of course, a married lesbian who shops from the Eddie Bauer catalog, likes
Charles Bronson, has a new power sander, a pit bull, and a Colt Python
.45, would score quite high as well.
HMM is a political advocacy group dedicated to the pursuit of equal rights
for heterosexual monogamous males like you. We have formed in response to the
death of the Republican party on November 3, 1992 (extensively reported by the
media). The way we see it, we can either whine and snivel like the liberals have
been doing for the last twelve years, or we can suck right up to the Clinton
administration and grab every bit of preferential treatment that the other
special interest groups receive.
It will not be easy. There are enemies of HMM in the Democratic party,
enemies that have been playing the oppressed minority game far longer than we.
They may try to tell us that we don't belong. They may try to brand us as
"politically incorrect" (we prefer the gentler "politically challenged"). The
beauty of it is that they have to take us, or risk losing their claim to being
the party of inclusion.
Our aim is to become one of them. To become part of the political inside. To
scratch and claw, accuse and threaten, protest and plead, until we have earned
our place at the public trough.
Your membership in HMM speaks volumes about your courage in the face of a
nation uncomfortable with our lifestyle. Together, we can fight the ignorance
and fear. After all, we did not choose to be straight. This is the way we have
been created! Heterosexuality is not what we do. It is what we are!
I look forward to working with you to stem the tide of the latent
heterophobia that now grips Washington, D.C. and the rest of the country.
Please enjoy the included articles from past issues of Straight Talk for
HMM's and feel free to copy them and pass them around wherever you meet other
straight, monogamous men. Remember:
We're not gay, it's O.K.
We're straight, it's great.
Get used to it.
Subscriptions cost $15.95 for twelve monthly issues (each approximately 8
pages), or our special introductory rate of $4.95 for three issues. Your news-
letters will come in a envelope that will in no way identify you with this HMM
because your decision to come out of the closet must be your own. Send check or
money order to:
Very truly yours,
Norm D. Plume
Founder of HMM
Editor Straight Talk for HMM's
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 58 =--------------------------------------
My ex-boyfriend was not a very good communicator. It's hard to drink beer and
talk at the same time.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 59 =--------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
In a recent Amtrak survey, 1,000 men chose Cindy Crawford as the celebrity with
whom they would most like to travel. In a related survey, 1,000 women chose a
rolling pin as the kitchen implement they would likely use if they found their
husbands traveling with Cindy Crawford.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 60 =--------------------------------------
Male Answer Syndrome:
Why Men Always Have Opinions, Even On Subjects They Know Nothing About
In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in
order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their
chests, ruffle their plummage, and generally try to appear more impressive than
they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when
it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say,
or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much
more common among humans than had been previously believed. Have you ever
wondered why:
Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the
Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the
national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace
in the Middle East?
Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?
Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his
Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will
affect the economies of the Baltic states.
His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting
that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with
something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.
This behavior, the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual
knowledge, is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies
from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They
prefer, "That's not what's important here."
They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know
anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take
a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of
information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few
prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk
show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of
Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."
Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did
Madonna go on David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly,
acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand,
will come up with a few theories (She's has the same agent? Overdose of
Prozac?). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the
inexplicable.
But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline
discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth
hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said.
"They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography
lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she
learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an
answer than admit to his ignorance.
Later in life, women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such
conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what
they're talking about.
My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse
as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an
expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For
him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to
the thrill.
Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe
Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on
their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious
facts.
Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female
correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed
doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company,
gaping at the news that the earth is round.
MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on
matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And
how MAS developed? Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with
rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not
appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting
elaborate theories about football.
Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moritorium on all male-
female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must
remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting
there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 61 =--------------------------------------
From: gy...@alembic.acs.com (cupid's six-guns)
and why should i apologise
for bimbos with mascaraed eyes
who take advantage of those men
who never called me back again?
and why must i express remorse
because it was a bad divorce
when all i ever asked of men
was that they call me back again?
where were these men who file complaints
that women never pay for dates
when i was feeding all those men
who never called me back again?
where were the guys who say they're nice
and beg for sexual advice
when i was faking it for men
who never called me back again?
i've always done my best to be
a model of equality
but damn, it's hard to speak for men
who never called me back again.
i must admit, to be quite fair
the grounds for grievances are there
but for MY cause, i hear from men
"well, yeah, but that was way back then!"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 62 =--------------------------------------
Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 63 =--------------------------------------
The Paradox Of Men
If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner. If you can go down on
them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.
If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are
trying to embarrass them.
If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you
make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of
the housework.
If they want sex, they won't let you sleep. If you want sex, they won't wake up.
If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about
their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing
they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.
If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are
coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends,
they want to know why you don't like their friends.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 64 =--------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive
10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped
orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan
Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
[Music: "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart]
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 65 =--------------------------------------
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your
purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 66 =--------------------------------------
From a USA Today article: Studies at Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and
Research Foundation prove the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, via
his nose. No, not perfume. Doughnuts, lavender, licorice, and pumpkin pie have
all been shown adept at producing sexual arousal in men, according to a
Foundation study. The best result so far: a combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender, which increased penile blood flow in 40% of the men studied. "This
suggests women have more of an effect on men if they throw away those expensive
perfumes and put some pumpkin pie in the oven," one researcher suggested.
================================================================================
== RIDDLES ABOUT MEN ===========================================================
-= riddles about men =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
or
So men can understand them.
-= riddles about men =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the
head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.
-= riddles about men =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
-= riddles about men =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the stupid ones.
-= riddles about men =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
-= riddles about men =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
-= riddles about men =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
-= riddles about men =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are some men uncircumcised?
The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.
-= riddles about men =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the dumbest part of a man's body?
His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives
right around the corner from an asshole.
-= riddles about men =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
-= riddles about men =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
-= riddles about men =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
-= riddles about men =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
-= riddles about men =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
-= riddles about men =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
-= riddles about men =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money.
-= riddles about men =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
-= riddles about men =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
-= riddles about men =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
-= riddles about men =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men resist becoming fathers?
Because they aren't through yet being children.
-= riddles about men =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
-= riddles about men =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
-= riddles about men =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace
smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a
physician who looks me over regularly.
-= riddles about men =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
-= riddles about men =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
-= riddles about men =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
-= riddles about men =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.
-= riddles about men =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
-= riddles about men =-= 29 =-------------------------------------------------
How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird?
Throw it off a cliff.
-= riddles about men =-= 30 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
-= riddles about men =-= 31 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
Proofread.
-= riddles about men =-= 32 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.
-= riddles about men =-= 33 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds!"
-= riddles about men =-= 34 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.
-= riddles about men =-= 35 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
-= riddles about men =-= 36 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.
-= riddles about men =-= 37 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
-= riddles about men =-= 38 =-------------------------------------------------
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
-= riddles about men =-= 39 =-------------------------------------------------
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and
sharing. What does she get?
The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
-= riddles about men =-= 40 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
-= riddles about men =-= 41 =-------------------------------------------------
What did God say after he created man?
"I can do better than this" and he made woman. But the disruptions created in
Adam's internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's
brain to sink down into his testicles. And so one of Eve's first assignments
was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.
-= riddles about men =-= 42 =-------------------------------------------------
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.
-= riddles about men =-= 43 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
-= riddles about men =-= 44 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
-= riddles about men =-= 45 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
-= riddles about men =-= 46 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
-= riddles about men =-= 47 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
-= riddles about men =-= 48 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
-= riddles about men =-= 49 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
-= riddles about men =-= 50 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this...
|<---------------------->|
is 12 inches.
-= riddles about men =-= 51 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
-= riddles about men =-= 52 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
-= riddles about men =-= 53 =-------------------------------------------------
What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was
for me?'
What is a more macho man?
At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen
to you often?'
-= riddles about men =-= 54 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 55 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
-= riddles about men =-= 56 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
-= riddles about men =-= 57 =-------------------------------------------------
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles,
whichever came first.
-= riddles about men =-= 58 =-------------------------------------------------
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
-= riddles about men =-= 59 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
-= riddles about men =-= 60 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
One gives birth and the other gives burps.
-= riddles about men =-= 61 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
-= riddles about men =-= 62 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
-= riddles about men =-= 63 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're
going to take off.
-= riddles about men =-= 64 =-------------------------------------------------
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
-= riddles about men =-= 65 =-------------------------------------------------
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
-= riddles about men =-= 66 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
-= riddles about men =-= 67 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is
just having a baby.
-= riddles about men =-= 68 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man
thinks often about dating them.
-= riddles about men =-= 69 =-------------------------------------------------
How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
-= riddles about men =-= 70 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to
do with it.
-= riddles about men =-= 71 =-------------------------------------------------
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.
-= riddles about men =-= 72 =-------------------------------------------------
If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
-= riddles about men =-= 73 =-------------------------------------------------
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes
can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
-= riddles about men =-= 74 =-------------------------------------------------
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
-= riddles about men =-= 75 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's worst nightmare?
1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3) A female boss.
4) He has to ask his wife for money.
-= riddles about men =-= 76 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
-= riddles about men =-= 77 =-------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
-= riddles about men =-= 78 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man's playing around?
He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom
it may concern..."
-= riddles about men =-= 79 =-------------------------------------------------
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
-= riddles about men =-= 80 =-------------------------------------------------
What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across
his head?
The truth comes shining through.
-= riddles about men =-= 81 =-------------------------------------------------
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
-= riddles about men =-= 82 =-------------------------------------------------
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
-= riddles about men =-= 83 =-------------------------------------------------
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do
men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
-= riddles about men =-= 84 =-------------------------------------------------
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
-= riddles about men =-= 85 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
He *throws* his kisses.
-= riddles about men =-= 86 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
-= riddles about men =-= 87 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
He slobbers all over you.
-= riddles about men =-= 88 =-------------------------------------------------
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
Dumbbells.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
-= riddles about men =-= 89 =-------------------------------------------------
What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.
-= riddles about men =-= 90 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men have difficulty retaining?
a) a job
b) a budget
c) a promise
d) a secret
e) a friendship
f) a marriage
g) an anniversary date
h) a 30-minute erection
i) all of the above
-= riddles about men =-= 91 =-------------------------------------------------
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection
and sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 92 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man notice most when he's at the beach with his girlfriend?
Every other woman there.
-= riddles about men =-= 93 =-------------------------------------------------
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.
-= riddles about men =-= 94 =-------------------------------------------------
What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
-= riddles about men =-= 95 =-------------------------------------------------
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
-= riddles about men =-= 96 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 97 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
-= riddles about men =-= 98 =-------------------------------------------------
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
-= riddles about men =-= 99 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there
when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of
Heaven's toilet seats!
-= riddles about men =-= 100 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. At first, I thought my guy
was the strong silent type. But lately, I've realized, he has nothing to say.
-= riddles about men =-= 101 =-------------------------------------------------
When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
-= riddles about men =-= 102 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have feelings.
-= riddles about men =-= 103 =-------------------------------------------------
How do you get a man to come when you call?
Ask him if he wants some food.
How do you get a man to leave when you want?
Ask him about his feelings.
-= riddles about men =-= 104 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.
-= riddles about men =-= 105 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
or
Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
or
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
-= riddles about men =-= 106 =-------------------------------------------------
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
-= riddles about men =-= 107 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It has never happened.
-= riddles about men =-= 108 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
One.
-= riddles about men =-= 109 =-------------------------------------------------
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
-= riddles about men =-= 110 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
-= riddles about men =-= 111 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
-= riddles about men =-= 112 =-------------------------------------------------
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
-= riddles about men =-= 113 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
-= riddles about men =-= 114 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do balding men comb the few wisps of hair that they still have across their
heads?
So they can fool themselves.
-= riddles about men =-= 115 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
-= riddles about men =-= 116 =-------------------------------------------------
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
-= riddles about men =-= 117 =-------------------------------------------------
"Three Men And A Baby"
What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
-= riddles about men =-= 118 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his penis told him to.
or
Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
or
So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just
can't drive worth shit...)
or
Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
-= riddles about men =-= 119 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
-= riddles about men =-= 120 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
-= riddles about men =-= 121 =-------------------------------------------------
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
-= riddles about men =-= 122 =-------------------------------------------------
How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.
-= riddles about men =-= 123 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
-= riddles about men =-= 124 =-------------------------------------------------
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
-= riddles about men =-= 125 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
-= riddles about men =-= 126 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
================================================================================
== QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT MEN =============================================
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 1 =-----------------------------------
An empty man is full of himself. - Edward Abbey
You can't belay a man who's falling in love. - Edward Abbey
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 2 =-----------------------------------
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. - Woody
Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one
suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to
suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is
to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must
love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. - Woody Allen
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 3 =-----------------------------------
A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can.
- Luigi Banzini
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 4 =-----------------------------------
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A
woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want. - William
Binger
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 5 =-----------------------------------
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - Du
Bois
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 6 =-----------------------------------
Why be a man when you can be a success? - Bertold Brecht
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 7 =-----------------------------------
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. Rita Mae Brown
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 8 =-----------------------------------
The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be
trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 9 =-----------------------------------
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - Emerson
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 10 =-----------------------------------
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies
liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think
boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow
horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe
me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. - Jules Feiffer
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 11 =-----------------------------------
Whatever they may be in public life, whatever their relationships with men, in
their relationships with women, all men are rapists, and that's all they are.
They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes. - from "The Women's
Room" (1977) by Marilyn French
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 12 =-----------------------------------
A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the
feeling of a conqueror. - Sigmund Freud
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 13 =-----------------------------------
If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them
were given choices. - Johnny Hart's comic strip "B. C."
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 14 =-----------------------------------
If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. - Haskins
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 15 =-----------------------------------
In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person. - Don Herold
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 16 =-----------------------------------
For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him to really
understand them is bad morals. - Henry James
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 17 =-----------------------------------
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as a duchess. - Dr. Johnson
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 18 =-----------------------------------
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human
being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern
to him. - Immanuel Kant
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 19 =-----------------------------------
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - Jayne Mansfield
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 20 =-----------------------------------
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Variation: Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 21 =-----------------------------------
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young. Now
I have successes with women because I am old. Middle age was the hardest part.
- Artur Rubinstein
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 22 =-----------------------------------
50 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks
he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's
early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there
are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help
his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case
they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off
season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care
about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in
private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven
words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last
log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a
bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for
a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters
that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of
here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the
first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types
of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got
older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a
nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and
briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he
wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie 'The Way
We Were' twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's
my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he
didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we
going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of
sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If
you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to
marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look
great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I
do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a
woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their
clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and
zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men
to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will
assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet
that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
- Rita Rudner's "50 Facts About Men"
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 23 =-----------------------------------
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 24 =-----------------------------------
Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 25 =-----------------------------------
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and
never Mrs. One.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 26 =-----------------------------------
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 27 =-----------------------------------
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 28 =-----------------------------------
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 29 =-----------------------------------
Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 30 =-----------------------------------
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 31 =-----------------------------------
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 32 =-----------------------------------
Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 33 =-----------------------------------
I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 34 =-----------------------------------
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 35 =-----------------------------------
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 36 =-----------------------------------
If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 37 =-----------------------------------
Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 38 =-----------------------------------
Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 39 =-----------------------------------
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 40 =-----------------------------------
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 41 =-----------------------------------
90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 42 =-----------------------------------
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 43 =-----------------------------------
PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 44 =-----------------------------------
The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 45 =-----------------------------------
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
================================================================================
== WOMEN JOKES AND SEXIST HUMOR ================================================
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.
Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was
lonely, so he asked God for a companion.
God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do
everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so
beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost
you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was argueing
over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...
Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man
does.
Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.
Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.
Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?
Fem: Yeah, so?
Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I
sure wish I had bigger tits."
The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?"
The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the
bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced
during the operation. The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off,
that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my
chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"
"Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my
head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can
put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef
sandwich and a six pack.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
Here's a good putdown line for women:
A man walks up and says haven't we met before?
Say yes, I'm <insert your name here>, the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam
was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females
understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses
is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who
Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch
Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His
Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do
You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching
"The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone
Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your
Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10
Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep
Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any
Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
And God Created The Woman
He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.
He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and
comments.
The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the
toilets next to the reception room"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------
When God made man,
he made him out of string.
He had a little left,
so he left a little thing.
When God made woman,
he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough,
so he left a little space.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
How To Translate Womenspeak
When She Says She Really Means
------------- ----------------
No. Yes.
Of course I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you. Bob and I Bob and I are having sex.
are seeing each other.
I feel like I've known you my whole I'm drunk.
life.
Will you respect me in the morning? You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date. I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there. Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
the first few times.
You're...so manly. You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at I've been waiting by the phone for three
the bar Friday night? days.
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's I'm not taking any birth control pills.
just see what happens.
You're certainly lovely tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here. It must I've been following you all day.
be fate.
I'm particular about who I have sex I draw the line at barnyard animals.
with.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over- I'm having my period.
reacting.
Okay, but I hope you're not I'm flat chested.
disappointed.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? Want to come upstairs and have sex?
C'mon...just come upstairs for a Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have
drink. sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge. You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love,
she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it
was he replied, "Be quiet, woman! I'm listening to the cricket."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs
should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant
the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
"Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked
that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been
her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the
most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and
asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?"
"It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------
The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He
makes every broad jump.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------
In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new
Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she
couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a
reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in
her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One
was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same
fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that
you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has
ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty
enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too
many college-educated women, he said, adding, "Intelligent women tend not to be
good looking."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He
carefully measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation of much
data he observed that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350 grams, that
of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was infallible proof of
the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his life, he defended this
hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot. Being the true scientist, he
specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive collection.
The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact that his own brain
weighed only 1245 grams. - Scientific American [March 1992]
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a
coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you
attracted to?"
"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in
harmony with nature."
"I see," said the man, nodding.
"But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can
rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect."
"Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh
Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
A recent study has found that most women are wearing the wrong bra size. The
nation's average bra size has also been steadily increasing from 34B to 36C, on
its way up to a 38C.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
Top Ten Slogans For The Wonder Bra
10. Breakfast for Your Chest
9. The Quicker Picker-upper
8. The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm!
7. Up, Up, and Away
6. As Seen on "The Golden Girls!"
5. You'll Never Need an Airbag Again!
4. Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples
3. Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day
2. Looks Great, More Filling
1. Leave it to Cleavage!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes
on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need
more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I
just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------
There are ten very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats
what he shoots.
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------
The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his
friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problem is that you are looking
for a particular kind of woman. You ought to be looking for the kind of woman
who is not particular."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man
trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.
"What do you do?" she asked him.
"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."
"Oh, does that mean you are available?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
Most accidents happen at home!
And the men have to eat them.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
(Reader advisory: sexist joke...)
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one
vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to
determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money
bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he
had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50
and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the
full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50,
goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to
the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: The one with the biggest tits!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
"If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt."
Underneath which a graffiti read:
"If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really
points up some of the differences between the sexes. We were watching CNN's
Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came
on. Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that
Virtual Reality would never catch on with women. I was puzzled by this, until
she explained, "Every womens first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I
can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again
and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two
miles past my stop already."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
A few years ago, a male co-worker (call him John) decided to "officially become
a woman" with an operation soon to follow. I found this to be rather unusual and
kept trying to come up with reasons, some serious, some silly, why someone would
want to do this. Well, I found the silly ones to be rather amusing and made up
a top ten list with them.
Top Ten Reasons Why John Is Officially Becoming A Woman
10. Lower auto insurance premiums.
9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas.
8. Cleaner restrooms.
7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.
6. Women live longer.
5. Can get easily picked up in bars.
4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.
3. Failed to make the _MEN'S_ U.S. Olympic Ski Team.
2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really
true".
And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:
1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
From the "Daily Collegian"
Trenton NJ - As any woman who's had to use the bathroom while attending
anything from the theater to a sporting event knows, the line for the ladies
room is overwhelmingly longer than that for the men.
But "potty parity" will be the law of the land in the Garden State if
Assemblyman Jeff Warsh has his way.
Warsh, R-Middlesex, introduced a bill yesterday requiring that the number of
women's toilets in some public places be more than twice that available for men.
Warsh cited a 1987-88 study done by Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State
University, which found it took women, on average, twice as long to use the
bathroom as men: almost 3 minutes for women, compared to 83.6 seconds for men.
"I think I'll get subjected to some ribbing, some plumbing humor," Warsh said
of his push for the bill, but he feels it is a matter of fairness.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
50 Facts About Women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like
they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so
don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in
the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear
them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to
trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill
it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why
soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man
*wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's
a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they
don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three
people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to
gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It
might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't
need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the
shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that
allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them
of how horrible things *could* be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and
will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack
21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about
how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's
there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting
lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep
afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means
that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it
does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they
really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into
the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women
seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the
trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet
cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up
thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more
trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a
flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they
"left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to
the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see
straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and
spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women
checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other
women.
50. The most embarrissing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the
same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's
another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
- AJ Saqfalhait
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