Canonical List Of Education-Related Humor 1/1
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Canonical List Of Education-Related Humor (Ignorance Is Bliss)
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CONTENTS
AGGIE JOKES
EXAM HUMOR
EDUCATION HUMOR
================================================================================
== AGGIE JOKES =================================================================
-= aggie jokes =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
There were these three Aggie agricultural students driving along this old
farm road one day when they saw this farm, pulled in, and knocked on the
farmer's door. The farmer answered the door and the three students introduced
themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups
and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter?"
The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't gonna get no
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try."
About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer, and drove off
with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
head, mumbled under his breath about "them damn uni students" and went on about
his business.
About three months later, the same three students came up to the farm,
knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled
and asked what he could do for them this time?
One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a
field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket
of milk?"
Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and
sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my
milkweeds."
Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with their bucket
overflowing with fresh milk and drove off. This time, the farmer was really
confused, but just a little less skeptical.
It was about three or four months later when the three agricultural students
came back and again knocked on the farmer's door, this time saying that they
were driving by and saw the field full of pussywillows. Needless to say, the
farmer went with them this time on their excursion.
-= aggie jokes =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field?
Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.
-= aggie jokes =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?
His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
-= aggie jokes =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College
Station?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
-= aggie jokes =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
-= aggie jokes =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
-= aggie jokes =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
-= aggie jokes =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
-= aggie jokes =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------
How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
-= aggie jokes =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
-= aggie jokes =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------
Two Texas Longhorn students and an Aggie were driving through the Texas
countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near a farmhouse. So
they knocked on the door and asked the gruff old farmer if they could stay the
night.
The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition. He told them to go out
into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable they could find, then to return to
the farmhouse.
Some time later, the two Longhorns found themselves dead and in line at the
pearly gates. Saint Peter was there, listening to their tale. "Okay," said
Saint Peter, "You went out and found some fruits and vegetables. How did you
die?"
"Well," continued one of the Longhorns, "My friend here returned first with a
cherry. Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and commanded, 'Stick that
cherry up your ass, and if you laugh I'll shoot you!'"
"And?" prompted Saint Peter.
"He laughed, and the farmer shot him."
"Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the second Longhorn.
"It tickled," he said.
"Then it was my turn," continued the first Longhorn. "I had also brought a
cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and told me the same thing. I
laughed and he shot me."
"And why did you laugh?" Saint Peter asked.
"I saw the Aggie coming up the walkway with a watermelon."
-= aggie jokes =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------
Two ex-Aggies decide to have a reunion. One decides to visit the other one
living in a big town. The visiting Aggie gets lost and calls his friend,
"Hey buddy, I am coming over but I am lost and have no idea where I am."
His friend replies, "It's okay, just look at the street intersection, there
will be two signs, read them to me."
The lost one looks over and then says, "Okay, okay, I see them, one
says 'Walk', the other one says 'Do not walk'."
"Oh good, you are right down the street. I'll be over to pick you up."
-= aggie jokes =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------
Two Aggie builders were working on a house.
One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out
a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it
into the wood.
The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you
throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's
pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can
use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names,
explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're
for the other side of the house!!"
-= aggie jokes =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------
An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys
some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads
sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought
defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their
heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send
a letter back asking for a soil sample.
-= aggie jokes =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior
who knew the recipe graduated.
-= aggie jokes =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------
An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium.
The Aggie, says, "Professor, what _are_ you doing?"
The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You
see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why
don't you try it!"
The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares
into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start
bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through
his gills.
(Do this in front of a mirror for full effect!)
-= aggie jokes =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------
Three college friends, one each from University of Texas, Baylor, and Texas
A&M, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The
airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to
get into the stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching
all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn't have to
pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard
would simply nod and let them through.
So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store and came
back shortly to try to get in. The Baylor student walked up to the guard and
gestured at the long pole he carried.
"Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.
The University of Texas student, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain,
approached the guard next and showed off his wares.
"Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through.
The Aggie came last with a roll of chain link on his shoulder.
"Fencing."
-= aggie jokes =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------
The star wide receiver for the Texas A&M Aggies football team, Bubba, was
walking down the street one day when he came across a fire in a four-story
building. On the fourth floor, a woman was yelling out the window, "Save my
baby! Save my baby!"
The gathering crowd had no idea of what to do until Bubba got a great idea,
so he shouted, "Ma'am, just throw the baby down to me and I will catch it. I am
the star wide receiver for the Aggies."
At first, the woman was not convinced, but the approaching flames eventually
changed her mind. So, she closed her eyes after Bubba was ready and flung the
baby out of the window. It happened to be a bit of a windy day, so Bubba had
trouble judging the baby's trajectory. He had to run a bit left, then a bit
right, then left again. At the last moment, a gust of wind caused the baby to go
back to the right. Bubba stretched his arms out, jumped, and made a spectacular
diving catch to the roar of the crowd.
Bubba then jumped back up, held the baby in the air while yelling and doing a
celebratory dance. After that, Bubba went ahead and spiked the baby...
-= aggie jokes =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------
The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game between the
Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. A few years back, the Longhorns would
win this game every year. The Aggie coaches called a meeting after a
particularly bad thrashing one year to figure out why they couldn't beat the
Longhorns. They decided to go straight to the source and send one of their
assistant coaches, Bubba, to Austin to find the answer.
Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the Longhorn
practice field and went directly to the Longhorn head coach and asked, "Why do
y'all beat the Aggies every year?"
Darrell, the Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are stupid. Let
me demonstrate..." Darrell led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the
field, held his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand."
Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the Longhorns,
so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch. At the last moment,
Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba went back to College Station
with a broken hand. The Aggie head coach was eager to learn what Bubba had found
out in Austin and asked him the next day during practice.
Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are stupid.
Let me demonstrate..."
He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall. So he held his
hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."
-= aggie jokes =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------
It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the
juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was
strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I
had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!"
His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As
was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the
chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt.
The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His
final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think
that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT
many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing
happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live.
The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M
University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final
words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you
know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing
will work."
-= aggie jokes =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------
It seems a group of four Aggies (students from Texas A&M for those unfamiliar
with the traditions between Texas and Texas A&M) were arrested just outside of
Austin by Travis County Sheriff's officers early one morning (Nov 4). They were
spotted removing highway signs from their signposts and taking them. Their
explanation was that they were going to use the signs as fuel in the traditional
Aggie Bon Fire which is held the week before the Texas-Texas A&M football game
which is on Nov 26. All the signs in the back of their truck had the word
"Austin" in them (they were mileage markers reading "Austin 44", "Austin 24",
"Austin 16", etc.) and formed a trail leading back to College Station.
The signs were all made of metal.
-= aggie jokes =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------
A reporter for the Dallas Morning News decided to write a series on Aggies.
In order to get more information, he went to College Station to do his research.
On the first day, he decided to drive his car in. He went into the library, got
in a good day's work, and walked back to the parking lot. A group of Aggies were
gathered around his car. They were saying, "Is it an airplane? No, I don't
think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it a boat? No, I don't
think so."
Finally, the smart Aggie in the back piped up, "I know what that is, it's a
car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed, applauded him, and the crowd
dispersed.
The next day, the reporter decided to ride a motorcycle to campus. When he
finished working, the group of Aggies were gathered around his hog: "Is it an
airplane? No, I don't think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it
a boat? No, I don't think so." Finally, the smart Aggie in the back again piped
up, "I know what that is, it's a car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed,
applauded him, and the crowd dispersed.
The next day, the reporter decided to really throw the Aggies for a loop and
rode in his...oh, what are those one-wheeled things...ummmm... [this is when
the person you are telling this joke to replies "unicycle" at which point you
applaud him or her.]
================================================================================
== EXAM HUMOR ==================================================================
-= exam humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Final Exam
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions.
Time limit: four hours. Begin immediately.
Agricultural Science:
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather
hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and
estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with
world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
Animal Husbandry:
In three minutes, a stupid gorilla with a negative I.Q. will be admitted to the
room. Teach him to calculate cube roots. You may not use any form of
communication.
Architecture:
Build an exact 1:1 model of the Great Wall Of China by the end of the
examination period. You have been provided with 5 bricks and a piece of Scotch
tape. Extra credit: Build a 1:1 model of the Berlin Wall using 5000 pounds of
sauerkraut and then build Larry Wall using 5000 lines of Perl.
Art:
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
Biology:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form
of life had developed five hundred million years earlier, with special attention
to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Extra credit: Facilitate/catalyze the evolution of a single-cellular life-form
to the development of intra/extrasolar space travel.) Then create a human
being, given two pieces of DNA, a pair of scissors, and a piece of string; you
may not use the scissors.
Chemistry:
Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat.
Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.
You have fifteen minutes.
Comprehension:
Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name
in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence
three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes,
yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle
around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668.
Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have
followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small
holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far,
call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following
directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle
around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have
finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
Computer Science:
Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU
supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the
communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.
Economics:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible
effects of you plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy,
the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out
deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last
question.
Electronics:
Build a particle accelerator. You have been provided with a wire cutter, ten
feet of wire, and a piece of bubble gum.
Engineering:
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your
desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten
minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology:
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
Foreign Affairs:
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a
foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal
opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered
so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the
pros and cons.
History:
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political,
economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Juris Prudence:
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist
revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup
d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist
mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such
a policy today.
Literature:
Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and
footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and
the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
Logic:
Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the universe is
infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off
the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the
person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all
work.
Management Science:
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130
CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design
the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
Mathematics:
Give today's date, in metric. Extra credit: Prove that (0/0)=1. You are
expected to show at least 234 formulas. You may only use the following
variables: S=the speed of turkeys, F=the amount of snot in your nose, G=the day
of the week, and T=the number of pencils in your backpack.
Medicine:
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of
Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been
inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics:
Prove that you do not exist.
Music:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You
will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy:
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare
with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physics:
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the
impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Modern Physics:
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your
position.
Political Science:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report
at length on its socio-political effects this may have. Extra credit: For the
Noble Peace Prize, stop the war before all life as we know it is ended. Provide
an in depth report on how this was achieved. Do not forget to mention
fluctuations in the price of pork bellies. Extra extra credit: For the CIA's
Excellence in Covert Relocation Award (sometimes referred to as the Elvis
award), let the evidence that you started World War III get into the hands of
whatever agencies of authority still exist. Then, disappear. (Please note,
though the requirements to claim the Elvis may actually be achieved, arriving,
in person, to receive it will automatically invalidate your claim. Should you
be awarded the Elvis, we expect it, like you, to simply disappear without a
trace.)
Psychology:
Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought,
successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes,
bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the
person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge
of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with
quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate. Extra credit: Translate the aforementioned works into
Ancient Hebrew and provide a concordance of all their works, also in Ancient
Hebrew. Extra extra credit: Jeffrey Dahmer will be admitted to this room. He
has one chainsaw and a kitchen knife. Calm him. You may use any ancient
language except Latin.
Public Speaking:
2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use
any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion:
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve,
and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a
Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate
this debate. Extra credit: Memorize the entire bible backwards in Swahili. Be
prepared to answer specific questions.
Sociology:
Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world.
Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Construct and experiment to test
your theory.
Xenology:
Create Aliens. Provide them with a working ecosystem, technological and medical
bases, culture(s), systems of entertainment/traditions/belief and communication.
Document the manner in which you envision they would interact with humanity.
Test your theory, paying particular attention to unforseen consequences.
Zoology:
Use gene-splicing technology to create the ultimate carnivore. Provide an
environmental impact study on this creature and estimate the chances of survival
of the Human species. Be prepared with visual aids to substantiate your
estimate.
General Knowledge:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Extra Credit
Define the Universe. Give two examples.
-= exam humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------
City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name: ________________ Alias: ____________ Gang: ________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80 round clip. If he missed 6 out of 10 shots and
shoots 18 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he
attempt before he shoots 50 people?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 bal to Jackson for $820 and 2
grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of
the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day
crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroine to make 20% more profit. How
many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4, if
he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to
make $800?
6. Raul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife is spending $250 per month, how much will be left when he
gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that
spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 sq. ft. and the average letter is 8 sq.
ft., how many letters can a tagger spray with 8 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What
percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the
dollar from her fence, how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to
make $250.
10. Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his young 14
year old girlfriend. He was arrested that night while making his girlfriend
in the backseat. How much prison time is he looking for for the carjacking
and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal? Assume no prior
convictions in arriving at your answer.
City Of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam (Answers)
1. Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive-by, which means that he will have to
participate in 9 drive bys to shoot 50 people. However, he will have
completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when he has
to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people
when the homeboys with the Uzis' make Swiss cheese out of him.
2. At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8
grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps
selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have
6.75 grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23)
packs at $85 apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955. However, he could divide it into
small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger
profit. This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable
Economics Test.
3. 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with
Pony from Question #2.
4. If he sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, he will need
20% more volume. 20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Jarome will need 1.6oz
of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20% more volume. He will want a
cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting
point. Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has
the added benefit of removing the possibility of customer complaints, but
will sharply limit repeat business.
5. Willie has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far. He needs
$100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more Chevy's. However, he will
probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a
really def low-rider.
6. 6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Raul will have $25,000 - $18,000
= $7,000 left when he gets out of prison. If Raul kills her in the USA, he
should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to Mexico and
buries her scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott
free.
7. 3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little
paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop who's comin' after you. Or
the tagger could do 15 letters and a bitchin' skull.
8. 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been
sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant. So, in actuality, Hector only
knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.
9. Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.
10. Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be doing it again to his
girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.
-= exam humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------
Things To Do Instead Of Studying For Final Exams
Have a root canal
Eat dirt
Go to all of your classes
Clean out your bellybutton
Make crank calls
Gamble borrowed money
Sharpen your pencils (all of them)
Talk to yourself
Call 976-anything
Try on all your clothes at one time
Try on all your clothes one at a time
Memorize the phone book
Play your records backwards
Glue money to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
Go to the airport and meet people
Bite the heads off Gummi Bears and take them back to the supermarket
Start new rumors
Hold your breath till you pass out
Rub your eyes till you see stars
Fry ants with a magnfying glass
Set every clock in a building forward
Walk up to a salesperson and ask "May I help you?"
Go Christmas Caroling by yourself
-= exam humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------
Fun Things To Do In A Final Exam That Does Not Matter
(i.e., you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the
final)
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to).
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go
to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run
off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small
pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really
daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as
possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For
math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the
person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next
video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let the crowd stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they
are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely
blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream
out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam,
you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her
in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get
an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white
mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you
away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is
very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that
you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't
really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one
way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious, like history
notes for a calculus exam; otherwise, you're not just failing, you're getting
kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask
for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before
concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it
often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every
few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you
can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree
angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
-= exam humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
-= exam humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------
Selections From The Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.)
English
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
Reading Comprehension
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere,
some scientists contend that it also affects the weather. These contentions,
however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even
further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza A virus
have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Correlatons of
biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not
taken seriously by most Western scientists. Many researchers in the Soviet
Union, however, do believe in such possibilities, including even a correlation
of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
Mathematics
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70
pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from
Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives
him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five.
What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of
its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference
between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
watch's value?
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
/\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ |
d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10
e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__|
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him
about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
Quantitative Comparison
In the following questions, you are asked to compare two quantities. These
quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet,
choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger,
choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the
answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
-= exam humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Nerdity Test
Version 5.x.cubed.minus.3.x.all.divided.by.2
5 December, 1993
Introduction:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help you
determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you, or
listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you think
you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the nerdity
testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response, we came up
with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current nerdity quotient
(from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile of sludge unable to
communicate with anything human except through a device that is a miracle of
modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to the outside world
is through the computer Internet system.
Grading:
As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high concentrations
of known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that someone who
has never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0% nerd. However,
once such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed in the 100%
nerdity category. This is done because it is also assumed that only a true geek
would utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!? What a stupid concept!
I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that." The values in between are
determined by taking the test and scoring it as follows.
For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or "true", take one
point. At the end of the test, divide the total number of points you scored by
the total number of questions in the test. Treat this number as a percentage
that represents your nerdity quotient.
Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What is
contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to the
given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as
suggestions that might apply.
All technicalities count, after all, being technical is half of what being a
nerd is all about.
Recommendations And Hints:
It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with your
answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal catharsis of
what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of nerdity) and
each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this way, errors due to lying
or personal oversight are avoided and the test also has a therapeutic effect for
the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned about others should be
treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that we don't want others to
know about.
Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal
sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as well
as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you ever..."
while others are "do you now...". The former register the fact that you have a
propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge the fact that you are
currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the "do you now" type
questions change, so will your nerd quotient.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue book.
Shake well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all work.
Refrigerate after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table of useful
formulas is included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!
Section 1: Education and Schooling
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ...at the college level?
3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?
5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
6. ...at the college level?
7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics
chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Have you ever given a lecture?
16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own? (i.e.
experimental proof)
19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?
20. ...when you didn't have to?
21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equation than the
text did)
22. Do you take notes in more than one color?
23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)
24. Have you ever tutored someone else?
25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?
28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?
29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"
30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?
31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?
32. Did you win?
33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?
34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I would get
in"?
35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
Section 2: Knowledge
37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
39. Can you count in Roman numerals?
40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
43. ...for fun?
44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?
45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?
46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything? (fruit fly,
human being)
48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?
50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?
51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?
52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the name of the
element they represent?
53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?
54. Are you bilingual?
55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?
56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to alcohol
when it is consumed by a human?
57. ...while drunk?
58. Do you know how your car's engine works?
59. Have you ever interpolated?
60. Have you ever extrapolated?
61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
62. Have you ever integrated numerically?
63. ...and known the result ahead of time?
64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?
65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?
66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?
67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?
68. Do you own an encyclopedia?
69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?
71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?
72. Can you program the time on a VCR?
73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?
74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard copy"?
79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?
80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?
81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for. Note: it may be
useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym stands for as your
interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being sought after.
82. RADAR?
83. MODEM?
84. RAM?
85. DNA?
86. ATP?
87. NADP?
88. CRT?
89. CRC?
90. STP?
91. NORAD?
92. NASA?
93. MUD?
94. LED?
95. AI?
96. LASER?
97. RPG?
98. TLA?
99. SCUBA?
100. WYSIWYG?
101. DAT?
102. PINE?
103. JOVE?
104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?
105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any that you
can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge of the units
attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
106. gravitational constant? (G)
107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)
108. mass of an electron?
109. charge of an electron?
110. speed of light in vacuum?
111. speed of sound at STP?
112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
115. Avogadro's number?
116. molar gas constant?
117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits of
pi in the room.
119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)
120. ...centimeters and inches?
121. ...kilometers and miles?
122. ...joules and electron-volts?
123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?
125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?
126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?
127. ...AU and light years?
128. ...light years and parsecs?
129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone else's
answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true. (e.g. "you
nob! Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")
130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference
book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true. (e.g.
"AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")
Section 3: Computers
131. Have you ever used a computer?
132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?
133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?
134. ...past 4 a.m.?
135. ...as a source of income?
136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?
138. ...for money?
139. ...in the last 24 hours?
140. ...in the last half hour?
141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
142. ...in the last three months?
143. ...in the last three weeks?
144. Have you ever programmed a computer?
145. ...to write a computer game?
146. ...to write a computer virus?
147. ...to write a shell script?
148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM? (e.g.
Commodore 64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)
149. ...that is still in working condition?
150. ...and still buy software for it?
151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?
152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?
153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?
154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?
Have you ever used a ...
155. mouse?
156. hard disk drive?
157. light-pen?
158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?
159. track-ball?
160. ...for something other than a video game?
161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)
162. modem?
163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?
164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?
165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?
166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?
167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?
168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand copywritten)
169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?
170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a fee be sent
to them for its use)
171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?
172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?
173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?
174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)
176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)
177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?
178. Do you have an electronic mail address?
179. ...more than one e-mail address?
180. Have you ever sent e-mail?
181. ...to yourself?
182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?
183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?
184. ...in the last week?
185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?
186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?
187. Have you ever FTP'd?
188. ...anonymously?
189. Have you ever uploaded?
190. Have you ever downloaded?
191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)
192. Have you ever set up a kill file?
193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?
194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?
195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on logging
unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)
196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS? (e.g. alias dir ls)
197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?
198. ...in the last week?
199. Have you posted to USENET?
200. ...and gotten a response?
201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?
202. ...and gotten a "flame"?
Have you ever posted to...
203. a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)
204. a sex news group? (alt.sex)
205. talk.bizarre?
206. rec.humor?
207. a sci. or science-related news group?
208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?
209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?
210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?
211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?
212. ...in the last week?
213. ...today?
214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?
215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's, etc.?
216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?
217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?
218. Have you ever built a computer?
219. ...from chips?
220. Do you have a favorite computer language?
221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?
Which of the following computer languages do you know...
222. BASIC?
223. PASCAL?
224. FORTRAN?
225. assembly language?
226. C?
227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?
228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?
229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address for
computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)
230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?
231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?
232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)
233. Have you ever spoken Internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)
234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order to
work on the computer?
235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better
computer system than you?
Section 4: Possessions
236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?
237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?
238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?
239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?
240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?
241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?
242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?
243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?
244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
245. Do you own an atlas?
246. Do you own a globe?
247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
249. ...that lights up?
250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?
251. ...and have them on display?
252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)
253. Have you ever faxed something?
254. Have you ever received a Fax?
255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?
258. Do you own a slide rule?
259. ...and know how to use it?
260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?
261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)
262. Do you own a pencil case?
263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?
264. ...and have refills for it?
265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?
266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)
268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
269. Do you own a table of integrals?
270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for
personal use?
Section 5: Leisure Time
271. Have you ever taken something apart?
272. ...and put it back together correctly?
273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?
274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?
275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?
276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?
277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly
instructions?
278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it
apart to "see how it works"?
279. Have you ever rewired something?
280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
281. ...since leaving high school?
282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)
283. ...in the last six months?
284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?
285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?
286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?
287. Have you ever dissected something?
288. ...while not involved in a biology class?
289. Do you play chess?
290. Were you ever on a chess team?
291. ...on a math team?
292. ...on a debate team?
293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?
295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?
296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking up
members of the opposite sex?
297. Were you ever in a science fair?
298. ...that you placed in the top three?
299. Are you a member of Mensa?
300. Have you ever made a technical joke?
301. ...in the last week?
302. ...that no one around you understood?
303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?
304. ...that everyone around you understood?
305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?
Section 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys
306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?
308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
309. Do you own an oscilloscope?
310. Have you ever used a microscope?
311. Do you own a microscope?
312. Have you ever used a telescope?
313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?
314. Do you own a voltmeter?
315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
316. Do you own a CB radio?
317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?
318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?
319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?
320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
321. ...since the age of 13?
322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
323. Do you own a slinky?
324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?
325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
327. ...without using the book?
328. ...in less than two minutes?
329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations a
Rubik's Cube can have?
Section 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies
330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?
331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)
332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
333. ...voluntarily?
334. ...in the last three weeks?
335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?
Have you ever watched a complete episode of...
336. Dr. Who?
337. Battlestar Galactica?
338. Space: 1999?
339. Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
340. ...Gilligan's Island?
341. ...Flintstones?
342. ...The Brady Bunch?
343. ...The Jetson's?
344. ...The Addam's Family?
344. ...Dobbie Gillis?
346. ...I Dream of Genie?
347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than once?
348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
349. ...in one 24 hour period?
350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically impossible"
(due to Newton's laws, etc.)?
Section 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines
Have you ever read anything by...
351. ...Douglas Adams?
352. ...Isaac Asimov?
353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?
354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
355. ...Piers Anthony?
356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)
359. ...Stephen Hawkings?
360. ...Carl Sagan?
361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what you, as
an intelligent person, should know"?
362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics made
popular?
363. Do you read books on a daily basis?
364. Have you finished a book in the last week?
365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?
366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?
367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?
Do you have magazine subscriptions to...
368. ...Popular Mechanics?
369. ...Popular Science?
370. ...Omni?
371. ...Scientific America?
372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)
373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?
374. ...Discover?
375. ...any medical journals? (New England Journal of Medicine)
376. ...any science periodicals?
377. ...National Geographic?
378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy Metal)
Section 9: Star Trek
379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
381. ...in one 48 hour period?
382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series), "TNG"
(The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar?
383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?
384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?
385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?
386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?
387. ...in the last six months?
388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?
389. ...and worn them in public?
Section 10: Clothing and Apparel
390. Are your socks unmatched?
391. Do you own a digital watch?
392. ...that plays music?
393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?
394. ...that has a calculator built in?
395. Do you own a pocket protector?
396. ...and are you wearing it?
397. Do you have acne?
398. Do you have greasy hair?
399. ...without realizing it?
400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it? (e.g.
t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
401. ...which you still wear from time to time?
402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?
403. ...while not in the laboratory?
404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away in fear?
405. Are your pants too short?
406. Does your underwear have your name in it?
407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save time
when dressing because "everything goes together"?
410. Do you wear glasses?
411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)
412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
414. Are you legally blind? (in either eye)
(strange, I don't recall writing a Braille edition...)
Section 11: Personality and Lifestyle
415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)
416. ...for more than one day in a row?
417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)
Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep...
418. Caffeine?
419. exercise?
420. Vivarin?
421. NoDoz?
422. something you made in chem. lab?
423. something you found in chem. lab?
424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?
425. ...in the last 3 months?
426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?
427. Have you worked in a research lab?
428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?
429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)
430. ...and not been bored?
431. Are you socially inept?
432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?
433. Do you talk to yourself?
434. ...when other people are around?
435. Do you talk to imaginary people?
436. ...do they talk back?
437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?
438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)
440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see to pass
the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)
441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?
442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events?
(ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)
443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.
444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)
447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?
448. ...do you like it that way?
449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?
450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?
451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?
452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?
453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?
454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?
455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in a
"Jeopardy" contestant?
456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
457. ...while not drunk?
458. ...while alone?
459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?
460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?
461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?
462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as a factual
reference to support your claim?
463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll
appear green."
464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific
theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)
465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of talking
about non-technical topics?
466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the
popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)
467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)
468. ...for sexual purposes?
469. ...and had some degree of success?
470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?
471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)
472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?
473. Did the object also have a "personality"?
474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists? (Einstein vs. Newton,
etc.)
475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was
better?
476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's is
better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)
477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious scientific
paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)
478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?
479. ...in the last two weeks?
480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?
481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?
482. ...in the last month?
483. ...today?
Section 12: The Nerd Test
484. Are you taking this test alone?
485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?
486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?
487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to score the
test?
488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?
489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or
tabulate questions found on this test?
490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100% nerd
and deducting for each 'no'?)
491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?
492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score to
prove you are a nerd?
493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?
494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?
495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?
496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?
497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on this
test (or were contemplating it)?
498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?
499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
***Please send it to: jj...@crux3.cit.cornell.edu
Please put your pencils down. That's it, hope you enjoyed.
To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of "yes/true"
responses by the total number of questions and compare to this list.
Ranking:
0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe
21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training
31 - 35 Closet nerd
36 - 40 You dress like people in Wal-Mart ads
41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service
46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help
51 - 55 YOU need some serious help
56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees
61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip
66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes
71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils
76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child
81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology
86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain
91 - 99 Move over, Einstein
100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you
This version compiled by yours truly: J. Bennett, Cornell U., Ithaca, NY.
Any questions or comments? Drop me a line at jj...@crux3.cit.cornell.edu
Credits- (a.k.a. The "you-think-I'm-gonna-take-all-the-blame" department)
A special big thanks to the following (in no particular order):
Matt Warren :warren-...@cs.yale.edu for multiple watching of "Revenge
of the Nerds", underwear with name in it as well as the question on Jeopardy
contestants being stupid.
Rebecca Crowley :rcro...@zso.dec.com for pointing out that a nerd not only
HAS arguments with his/her professor, but WINS them too!
Laura Sachi :sach...@student.tc.umn.edu for pointing out the nerd tendency
to simplify the situation, and merely count the questions on the test based on
the one's they can answer 'no' to.
Eric Klis :klis...@student.tc.umn.edu for verifying equations in textbooks,
using a calculator to tabulate score, being offended by questions found on the
test, and lying in order to get a different score. (well, the questions
pertaining to those activities anyway, I don't know that he has done any of
them)
Carl Oppendahl: oppe...@panix.com for reminding me of the "dark ages" of
computers when programmers used punch cards, offering the category of ham radio
as a potential nerd hobby, and questioning the speed of a nerd's modem.
Michael Fitch: mjf...@itchy.phy.duke.edu who felt obligated to raise the
scores of "those physics geeks" who have used radiation film badges, stolen
radiation warning stickers for use on their notebooks, discussed cold fusion
with passing strangers (and been involved in cold fusion testing), integrated
numerically, and been placated by a well drawn spherical harmonic.
anonymous : for competing for the highest score on the test and for
challenging to a rematch when done.
n4...@relay.nswc.navy.mil : knowledge of reverse polish notation calculators
and favorite computing language (as well as defending it in argument).
Kevin MacCuish: inte...@cad.uccb.ns.ca : Thanks for sending a whole lot of
potential questions including the self-help tests, reading computer manuals for
fun, jealousy toward someone due to their computer, 8-track nerds, and everyday
situations as mathematical concepts.
T.K. Baltimore: tkb...@minerva.cis.yale.edu : IBM vs. Mac and the arguments
over which is better.
Jennifer C. Ginfrida : Jen...@bach.udl.edu : for reminding me of my
childhood days spent watching Starblazers. Japanimation was great, but I
suspect that you may be the only person known to exist who can still sing the
themesong to that particular show.
Josh Wojcik: Woj...@umr.edu : for solving Schroedinger's eqn. "for fun".
Hey, if you've got the time and there's nothing better to do, why not?
Jennifer Deiros: mde...@cs.tufts.edu : she's not the only one who still owns
a Commodore 64 and still buys software for it.
Peter White : Peter...@analog.com : standardizing his OS's through the use
of alias and batch commands, gif file wallpaper and drinking by % alcohol rather
than by taste.
Mike Owsiany : Mows...@ecs.umass.edu : applying to colleges just to see if
you can get in.
Rne...@pomona.claremont.edu : "TNG" vs. "TOS" for the trekker nerds.
Gary P. Chimes : gpch...@students.wise.edu : who scores the test in
scientific notation, argues over who was better, Einstein or Feynman and isn't
afraid to laugh out loud while reading Feynman's lectures.
Peter Rabinas : peter.j....@nd.edu : for pointing out that only a nerd
would spend time taking a test to see if he was a nerd.
Harry Surden : Ha...@cornell.edu : who not only has the dubious distinction of
being the first person from my own site unknown to me to offer input, but has
also lost sleep over computer games, subscribes to Computer Gaming World. Naked
people and hi-res computer scan is also one of his (all of which should lead you
to conclude that Ithaca really needs a better social environment)
I'd like to continue to thank these people for contributing to the older
versions of the nerdity test (see lower version numbers for specifics):
unknown:RM...@psuvm.psu.edu,
Rahul Verma: RV...@andrew.cmu.edu,
Thomas Marlowe: KY...@coos.dartmouth.edu,
Kiet H Tran: K...@kepler.unh.edu,
Cynthia Pettit: Pet...@cs.unc.edu,
Andrew: CS1...@snowhite.cis.uoguelph.ca,
Susan Schneck: sch...@gibbs.oit.unc.edu,
Hal J. Burch: HBU...@sleepy.ossm.edu,
Carl Mueller: mue...@cs.unc.edu,
Andrew Bell: be...@cs.unc.edu,
And a big thanks to the "Post-Prelim/Problem Set Beer and Wine Crew"
THANK YOU ALL!!
For additional information or a copy of the current version, send me e-mail to
the above address. IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CONTRIBUTION please send me the
questions you feel appropriate (please, just the questions, NOT the entire test)
as well as how you'd like to be referred to in the credits.
History:
In the beginning there was a large, dense ball of matter at the center of the
universe. For reasons unknown and beyond the scope of this course, this mass
exploded, spewing matter outward. Eventually (derivation skipped, but shown
explicitly in the recommended readings) everything cooled down, life developed
and someone, somewhere created...
no version number : containing the original 100 questions from which the
following is all derived. Origin unknown. Format rough and crude and showing
obvious derivation from the purity test.
version 2.0 : fabled and never seen by this author.
version 2.1 : the first such version 2.1 (both were created independently);
no data available and may be mere rumor.
version 2.1.pi^2 : Rumored to exist somewhere. This author saw a copy of it
once, but has since lost it somewhere on his desktop... Some of its was
utilized in the creation of version 3.1415
version 2.1 : (3-12-92) Prequel to the current edition. Essentially the 100
question version reformatted, made user-friendly and expanded to 200 questions.
version 3.1415 : (2-8-93) a further evolution of V.2.1. It contains 300
questions and was somewhat reworked and rewritten.
version 4.thirds.pi.r.cubed (3-21-93) Originally this was supposed to be the
3.1415 version with 100 ("have you done it recently") questions added in order
to normalize the test. Some testing revealed this to be largely unnecessary and
so much exterior input was received that a 400 question version based on
existing questions allowed this version to be released.
version 5.x.cubed.minus.3.x.all.divided.by.2 (12-5-93) 100 new questions,
most of which came from people's comments to earlier versions of the test now in
circulation long enough to generate sizable response. Notable changes include
reformatting and reorganizing the questions into more categories as well as the
addition of the "ranking" section. Some attempts were made at steering the
question wording away from the "serious" and toward the "humorous". For those
wondering about the version number, it represents the third Legendre polynomial;
sorry, but there just aren't all that many nerdy numbers starting with 5.
General Information
In two years of compiling this in the remoteness of upstate New York, responses
have come from as far east as the UK and as far west as Singapore. If you are
interested, both non-North Americans state that the test isn't universal. They
both complained that many questions were culturally biased and others just
didn't apply. If I were writing this for sociological impact rather than for
fun I suppose I would be upset by this news. :)
Roughly 2/3 of the responses I get are from educational institutions. I assume
distribution correlates roughly along those lines too, but have no way of
knowing for sure. I get roughly 3 or 4 responses a week.
The highest reported score is 83% and lowest is 15%. My own score when last I
checked was roughly 81% but of course I'm obviously skewed (in more ways than
one). If you can beat one of the high scores, let me know and I'll FTP you a
year's supply of Turtle Wax brand screen-cleaner (Lemon Scent!) as well as all
the adhesive, colored disk labels you can eat.
-= exam humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------
Nerdity Test
This is the Unofficial 250 Question Purdue University Nerdity Examination.
Equipment needed is this test, several pencils, some sheets of paper and a group
of friends. Calculators are allowed but not required.
The exam is divided into five parts of 50 questions each. Scoring is by the
number of questions answered "yes." Scores of over 50% qualify you as a nerd.
Scores of over 50% yes answers on both this and any purity test qualify you as a
freak. Scores of less than 20% on a purity test and over 50% on a nerdity test
qualify you as a geek.
This test does not imply that Purdue University or any department thereof
necessarily endorses, condones or condemns any of the actions listed here. The
author of this exam does not mean to endorse, condone or condemn any of the
actions listed herein. This test is for entertainment purposes only. Shoot
people only at your own risk.
Part One: Computer Experience
1) Have you ever used a computer?
2) Have you ever used a computer that did not have Windows 3.0 or was not a
Macintosh?
3) Have you ever programmed a computer in BASIC?
4) Have you ever written a structured program in BASIC?
5) Have you ever written a BASIC program that used pointers?
6) Have you ever programmed a computer in Pascal?
7) in Fortran 77?
8) in Fortran 66?
9) in C or C++?
10) in Lisp?
11) in Modula 2?
12) in MathCAD, Mathematica or Smalltalk?
13) in Ada?
14) in PostScript?
15) in Assembler?
16) Have you ever used Make?
17) Have you ever written a program more than 1000 lines long?
18) Have you ever written a compiler THAT WORKED?
19) Have you ever written a computer game (including video games)?
20) Have you ever used a MUDD, MUCC or MUSE?
21) Have you ever become a God on a MUDD, MUCC or MUSE?
22) Have you ever managed or created a MUDD, MUCC or MUSE?
23) Have you ever encountered a computer virus?
24) Have you ever defeated a computer virus (cleaned out your system with no
data loss and little loss of time)?
25) Do you collect viruses?
26) Have you ever infected another computer with a virus intentionally?
27) Have you ever written a computer virus?
28) Was it for profit?
29) Have you ever been AT A LOSS for storage space on your hard drive?
30) Have you ever used UNIX?
31) Have you ever written a UNIX shell script?
32) Have you ever crashed a UNIX system?
33) Was it intentionally?
34) Have you ever installed an operating system on a computer, including your
own?
35) Have you read email in the last week?
36) in the last 24 hours?
37) Have you read news from the computer networks in the last week?
38) in the last 24 hours?
39) Have you ever installed new hardware on your computer?
40) Have you ever built or repaired your own computer?
41) Have you ever done #39 or #40 for someone else?
42) Have you ever set up a BBS for *other than* profit?
(NB: profit-takers should be shot at this point, once in the brain. Author)
43) Have you ever thrown out an algorithm because it took more time than another
algorithm?
44) Have you ever thrown out an algorithm because it used more memory than
another algorithm?
45) Have you ever worried about dirty electricity (yes this is a legitimate
question; we have this problem in Chicago.)
46) Have you ever written an Artificial Intelligence program or algorithm?
47) Have you ever taught another person a computer language?
48) Have you ever spent more than 8 hours programming a computer?
49) Have you ever spent consecutive Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings
programming a computer?
50) Have you ever left a really cool party because you wanted to be on the
computer for any reason?
Part Two: Mathematical Experience
Glossary:
ODE = Ordinary Differential Equation (or just plain Differential Equation)
PDE = Partial Differential Equation
51) Do you know Trigonometry?
52) Have you ever taken a derivative?
53) Have you ever taken a partial derivative?
54) Have you ever solved a triple integral?
55) Have you ever solved a first order ODE?
56) Have you ever solved a second order ODE?
57) Have you ever found an Eigenvalue?
58) Have you ever solved a Determinant Matrix?
59) Have you ever used Gauss's Theorem?
60) Green's Theorem?
61) Stokes's Theorem?
62) Have you ever found the Kernel of a Vector Space?
63) Have you ever used a Laplace Transform?
64) Have you ever found a Fourier Series?
65) Have you ever solved a PDE?
66) Are you now or were you ever a Math major or Statistics major?
67) Do you know what a homomorphism is?
68) Do you know what ring theory is?
69) Do you know what a Prime Number is?
70) Do you know what a Smith Number is?
71) Have you ever taken a Reimann Integral?
72) Can you count to more than 1000 on two hands?
73) Can you use a calculator?
74) Can you use a graphing calculator?
75) Can you calculate a waiter's tip in your head?
76) Can you calculate sales tax in your head?
77) Do you know how to add the numbers 1, 2, 3, ... 100 in less than one minute
using just a paper and pencil?
78) Have you ever taken a limit?
79) Have you heard of Lorenz's Equations?
80) Have you ever seen a fractal?
81) Have you ever solved an equation using the square root of negative one?
82) Is 666 a Smith Number? (say no if you don't know)
83) Do you have Pi memorized to more than 5 digits?
84) Do you have e memorized to more than 5 digits?
85) Have you ever integrated a function that was discontinuous at one point?
86) Do you know the first seven Prime Numbers?
87) Can you find the area of a circle of radius r?
88) a sphere of radius r?
89) from x=0 to x=1 for y=x^2?
90) Have you ever taken an improper integral?
91) Have you ever found the critical points of a predator-prey system?
92) Have you ever found the critical points of a chaotic system?
93) Have you ever entered a math competition (math team, American Invitational
Math Exam, and so on?)
94) Have you ever won something in a math competition?
95) Is your Math SAT score above 600?
96) above 700?
97) Do you know the Quadratic Formula by heart?
98) Do you know the polynomial formulae for sin(x) and cos(x) by heart?
99) Have you ever calculated the odds of getting a hand in a card game?
100) Can you find the odds of getting a certain dice roll in your head?
(NB, more on this in Nerd Culture)
Part Three: Science Experience
101) Have you ever taken a calculus-based science course?
102) Have you ever taken a laboratory course for science or engeneering?
103) Are you now or were you ever a hard science major (physics, chemistry,
biology, geology, meteorology, &c) or a real engeneering major? Please
note: food science does not count, nor does psychology. Anyone who argues
as such should be shot, once in the brain. It's for their own good.
Furthermore, technology majors don't count (Electrical Engineering
Technology is not the same as Electrical Engineering, no matter what anyone
says.) Math and Computer Science don't count either, unless you are double
majoring... i.e., physics and math would count for this question and #66
104) Did you ever own a chemistry set?
105) Did you ever make illegal substances (explosives, drugs, etc.) with a
chemistry set?
106) Do you have your own scientific instruments, other than in a chemistry set
(i.e. you buy your own individual Erlenmeyer Flasks, test tubes,
oscilloscopes, voltmeters, and so on. Lab coats don't count, see #122)
107) Did you ever enter a science fair?
108) Did you ever win anything in a science fair?
109) Have you ever thought up an original science experiment?
110) Were you able to perform this experiment?
111) Were the results conclusive?
112) Do you read Scientific American?
113) Science News or Science?
114) Any professional scientific journal (like Physics Quarterly?)
115) Do you know what a kilogram is?
116) Do you know what a TeV is?
117) Do you know how many kilograms there are in a terragram?
118) Do you know how many picometers there are in a centimeter?
119) Do you know what a Watt is?
120) what a Joule is?
121) Do you know Avogadro's Number?
122) Do you own your own lab coat?
123) Do you have stains on clothing from chemistry experiments?
124) Have you ever extrapolated?
125) Have you ever done a least squares fit?
126) Have you ever estimated error using a least squares fit?
127) Have you ever titrated something?
128) Have you ever done a spectral analysis on something?
129) Have you ever distilled something?
130) Have you ever used a voltmeter?
131) a galvinometer?
132) an oscilloscope?
133) a Hall Probe?
134) Have you ever dissected an animal?
135) Have you ever dissected a human being?
136) Have you ever solved an equation for oxidation-reduction reaction?
137) Do you know what Parabolic Motion is?
138) Do you know Maxwell's Equations?
139) Do you understand Einstein's Theory of General Relativity?
140) Special Relativity?
141) Have you ever solved a Schrodinger Wave Equation?
142) Have you ever had an experiment get you sick?
143) Have you ever had an experiment catch fire or explode on you?
144) Have you ever extracted DNA from something in a laboratory in order to
perform an experiment on it?
145) Have you ever altered DNA in a laboratory?
146) Have you ever maintained a bacteria colony under laboratory conditions
(sorry, your bedroom does not count)
147) Have you ever done any laboratory work involving viruses?
148) Have you ever maintained a colony of living animals under laboratory
conditions (i.e. fruit flies).
149) Have you ever been the target of a political group because of your
experiments (i.e. Operation Rescue, Animal Liberation Front, Mad Mothers
Against Socially Unacceptable Physicists, etc.)
150) Have you ever done an experiment that required more than one month to
perform?
Part Four: Nerd Culture
151) Have you ever felt left out at a party?
152) Have you ever been told to leave a party for reasons other than obnoxious
behavior?
153) Have you ever left a party because you felt more comfortable in front of a
computer or performing an experiment (including classwork)?
154) Have you ever been called a nerd, geek, loser, wimp or other similarly
derogatory comment?
155) Have you ever seen "Revenge Of The Nerds" and identified with the main
characters?
156) Have you ever read "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy"?
157) Have you read the entire trilogy (all five books)?
158) Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek?
159) Dr. Who?
160) Star Trek: The Next Generation?
161) Blake's Seven?
162) Deep Space Nine?
163) Kung Fu: The Legend Continues?
164) Have you ever attended a convention for any of the shows listed in
questions 158-163?
165) Have you ever played a role playing game?
166) Have you ever participated in a role playing game campaign?
167) Have you ever run a role playing game adventure?
168) Have you ever run a role playing game campaign?
169) Have you ever made your own role playing game?
170) Did you sell, publish or otherwise distribute this game?
171) Have you ever attended a role playing game convention?
172) Are you a regular at role playing game conventions?
173) Have you ever published a science fiction story?
174) a mathematical article?
175) a scientific article? (PhD's included for questions 174-5)
176) Have you ever read a science fiction/fantasy novel other than Hitchhiker's?
177) Have you ever read an entire series of non Hitchhiker's SciFi/fantasy?
178) Have you ever corrected a role playing game, TV show, or novel for
scientific accuracy?
179) Have you ever asked a question in a class?
180) Have you ever corrected a professor in class?
181) Do you usually sit in the front of the class?
182) Are you a member of a career organization (like Society of Physics Students
or Society of Women Engeneers)?
183) Are you a regular in this career organization?
184) Have you ever taken an independent study class?
185) Do you plan to / did you earn two degrees or more as an undergraduate?
186) Are you going / Did you go to Graduate School?
187) Have you ever gotten straight A's in a semester/term/quarter?
188) Have you ever gotten BETTER THAN straight A's in a semester/term/quarter?
189) Were your SAT's > 1200 combined?
190) > 1400 combined?
191) Have you ever made a technical joke?
192) Did nobody get it?
193) Have you ever asked a professor a question related to his/her field that
s/he could not come up with a good answer for (i.e. s/he says "let me think
about it and I'll get back to you." Explaining that that's a great paradox
of science etc. does not count.)
194) Have you ever bored someone with too much information (Profs and TA's don't
count for boring their classes. That is expected.)
195) Have people ever joked about you as being a scientist, mathematician or
computer scientist?
196) Are you better known by your computer name (login) than your real name?
197) Have you ever taken a graduate class that you did not need to?
198) as an undergraduate?
199) Have people ever winced when they heard your major, field of study or
occupation?
200) Have you ever taken a nerdity test?
Part Five: Nerd Sex
For the following questions, a nerd counts as someone who would be likely to
score high on a nerdity test. Examples: Computer Electrical Engeneers, Physics
Profs, &c. Nerdity has nothing to do with purity. Gender does not matter for
these questions. People with high purity scores (younger or more sensitive
readers) should beware.
201) Have you ever flirted with a nerd?
202) Have you ever kissed a nerd?
203) Have you ever made out with a nerd?
204) Have you ever had sex with a nerd?
205) Have you ever had sex with two or more nerds in a 24 hour period?
206) Have you ever had sex with a nerd to the point of orgasm?
207) Have you ever had sex with a nerd to the point of mutual orgasm?
208) Have you ever had sex with the same nerd more than once in a 24 hour period
or had one session of sex which lasted for three hours or three orgasms,
whichever came first?
209) Have you ever had a steady relationship with a nerd?
210) Have you ever had a steady relationship with more than one nerd at a time,
such that neither knew (or so you believed)?
211) Do you wear glasses?
212) Do your glasses have tape on them?
213) Do you wear dress slacks more than once a week?
214) Do you own a shirt with equations, a picture of a scientist, mathematician
or computer scientist, or a corporate logo on the front? (Note: those
wearing shirts with corporate logos are to be beaten severely. It's for
their own good.)
215) Do you wear a calculator?
216) Have you ever worn any of the items in 211-215 in order to seduce someone?
217) Have you ever tried to pick someone up by reciting Pi?
218) Euler's Number?
219) Have you ever compared GPA's with someone?
220) SAT scores?
221) Have you ever placed a singles ad in the computer networks?
222) Have you ever met someone over the computer networks?
223) Have you ever dated someone you met over the computer networks?
224) Have you ever had sex with someone you met over the computer networks?
225) Have you ever had sex with someone via the computer?
226) Have you ever lied about your gender over the computer?
227) Have you ever had sex with someone over the computer while they thought you
were a different gender?
228) Have you ever read erotic material on a computer bulletin board or
newsgroup?
229) Have you ever posted erotic material on a computer bulletin board or
newsgroup?
230) Have you ever masturbated to erotic material you read on a computer
bulletin board or newsgroup?
231) Have you ever seen a pornographic GIF?
232) Do you collect pornographic GIFs?
233) Have you ever masturbated to pornographic GIFs?
234) Have you ever gotten turned on by a biology textbook?
235) Have you ever turned someone else on by reading them sections from a
biology textbook?
236) Have you ever tried to pick someone up by asking them 'wanna fuck?'
237) Have you ever tried to pick someone up using a prop (i.e. holding up a
screw and asking 'wanna screw?')
238) Have you ever read a book about how to interact with people in order to get
friends? (come on, now, confess!)
239) Have you ever read a book or computer BBS/newsgroup article to find out
about sexual techniques?
240) Have you ever made love in a chemistry lab?
241) a physics lab?
242) a biology lab?
243) a computer lab?
244) Have you ever picked someone up in one of the labs mentioned in 240-3 while
class was in session?
245) Have you ever petted or made out with someone in one of the labs mentioned
in 240-3 while class was in session?
246) Have you ever made love with somebody in one of the labs mentioned in 240-3
while class was in session?
247) Did you do any of 240-6 and still get your work done in time?
248) Have you ever had an orgasm while performing an experiment or programming a
computer? (NB- this counts if you are waiting for something to happen;
making love while a program is compiling or while a channel selector is
counting photons counts.)
249) Did you do #248 UNAIDED (the sheer excitement caused you to orgasm)?
250) Have you ever offered to help someone out in math, science or computer
science in order to pick them up?
Again much thanks to Lost Boy (smi...@mentor.cc.purdue.edu)
-= exam humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------
Philosophy professor at the front of the classroom with the following final exam
question written on the blackboard: "How do you plan to make a living with a
philosophy degree?"
-= exam humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------
The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course whose
final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and
answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows:
The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer
it. You will be graded on both parts."
The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer
it. You will be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could
write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student. He got an A. The
professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.
-= exam humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------
While taking a psychology course in college, the teacher had a habit of
putting the following questions on an exam:
Ask yourself a question and answer it.
Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation
[* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]"
and proceeded to solve it.
The next day, I stopped by the math office to see one of the professors. He
told me, "Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych exam"
I got full credit, and the psych professor never put that question on an exam
again.
-= exam humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------
A professor was known for being an easy grader. The grades he gave for a
survey course (i. e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and
not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams was
entirely covered in the textbook. So showing up for class wasn't a big deal.
However, this started to get out of hand. As word of the course spread, at
each semester, there was a larger block of students who would show up
infrequently or not at all, except for the exam days. Finally, it got so bad
that about half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. On
the day of the midterm, everyone came in and a graduate assistant handed out
exams, "Prof x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams."
There was only one question in the exam booklets: "Which one of the pictures
below is of professor x?"
Obviously, the students who never showed up didn't know and had to guess.
Many failed, while the students who had been showing up regularly got A's.
-= exam humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------
I've no idea how true it is or if it's an Urban Legend. This guy was taking
an exam in Trinity College here (old college, about 400 years old). In the
middle of the exam, he called a proctor and requested his pint of ale. The
proctor, of course, just looked at him.
Our hero then produced a copy of the *old* regulations which stipulated that
a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment. The proctor then reported
to the college officials, who verified the existence of just such a regulation.
The student was granted his one pint of beer ten minutes before the end of the
exam, and kicked back and drank his beer while the other examinees frantically
scrambled to finish the exam.
The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes in
the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided our man with
his glass of ale, but promptly fined him for not wearing his ceremonial
sword and shield to the examination.
-= exam humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------
This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State University.
The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a
gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of
0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the
following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0.
-= exam humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------
Freshman Physics And The Burning Question Of Heavy Boots
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of Physics
and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:
I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of
elementary mechanics and gravity:
13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it go, it
will:
(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above
25. When the Apollo astronauts were on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes
The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question was
generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test: 57% got it
right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.
So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right but did not
get #13 right!
The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be excellent
discriminators; that is, success on these two questions proved to be an
extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.
On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test score
got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally chose
answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter got it
right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of this group
was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes at 27%.
A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary physics:
two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about things they had
never studied in the class.
-= exam humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------
Edward Curley, a senior test developer at Educational Testing Service, admitted
to Cox News Service in July of 1994 that coached test takers could answer
reading comprehension questions very well on the Scholastic Aptitude Test
without ever reading the appropriate passages. Curley said that wasn't so bad
becase the test was still measuring reading comprehension, "When they read the
questions, and [read] the wrong answer choices, and [read] the right answer
choice, the students are reading hundreds of words."
================================================================================
== EDUCATION HUMOR =============================================================
-= education humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in
students.
-= education humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------
College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes to drink.
-= education humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------
College is like a woman. You try real hard to get in; then nine months later,
you wish you had never come.
-= education humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------
Academy: School where football is taught.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
-= education humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------
Why is a diploma like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.
-= education humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
-= education humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------
When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
-= education humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------
A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. - Alfred Kahn
-= education humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. - Derek Bok, president of
Harvard
-= education humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------
Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a flame. - Yeates
-= education humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
-= education humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
-= education humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------
One can pity the father with three kids in college. He tells his wife that
they are getting poorer by degrees.
-= education humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
-= education humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-= education humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
-= education humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------
If there were no schools to take the children away from home...the insane asylum
would be filled with mothers. - Edgar Watson Howe
-= education humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------
You have to regard everything I say with suspicion. I may be trying to bullshit
you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. - J. Wainwright,
Mathematics 140b
-= education humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had found
out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of long-
vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past from what
was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how concerned people who lived
close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals. And what a variety
of names they had for them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the
Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the
Fumets of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near to
the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the
Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the Deferrals of a
Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades
of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor? - Robertson Davies, "The
Rebel Angels"
-= education humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------
Why do some people go to college?
To wear togas and get Internet access.
-= education humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------
Why does a Purdue graduate put his/her diploma on the dashboard?
So s/he can park in the handicapped spots.
How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the experience.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's
right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
-= education humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------
My all-time favorite philosophy joke:
What classic fallacy of logic is contained in the following:
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
-= education humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------
I saw this recently on a Literature Professor's door. It was on a piece of
paper that looked as if it had been cut out of a student's paper. "The Odyssey
portrays a very structured hierarchy of a society based on love, violence,
stature, and golf." I wish I had the rest of the paper.
-= education humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------
Professor Dave Allstot, who substituted for Professor Ron Rohrer for a
lecture in 18-220, Fundamentals of Electrical Engineering:
Well, I feel a bit like Elizabeth Taylor's 7th husband on their first night.
I know what to do, but I'm not sure I can make it interesting.
-= education humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------
Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
-= education humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------
Why God Never Received Tenure At The University
He had only one major publication.
And it was in Hebrew.
He stated all his results without proofs.
And it had no references.
And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
Some say he had his son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
He made his graduate student (Mohd/Jesus) do all the work but did not list him
as co-author.
He also never explained why some graduate students, with low GRE scores, were
working for him in the first place.
He never presented his own results, let his graduate students do all the
presentations.
His data on creation of world in 7 days has been questioned.
It may be true that he created the world, but what has he published/done since?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
He never wrote a grant proposal.
His research, not matter how useful, was never approved.
He never replied to mail, phone calls, emails, etc when other researchers wanted
technical data from him.
He never fully explained his reasons for letting Dan Quayle to be born.
-= education humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------
Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus and I had an
incredible realization. Consider the following:
o You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
o Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
o Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his
work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
o Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
o Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
-= education humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------
Here are some funny(?) phrases and constructions that my wife brought home from
her class. (She is a high school English teacher.) These actually appeared in
her students' homework and exams.
I loved her so much that I put her on a pedal stool.
When I grow up I want to be a whorse trainer.
She left him because he took her for granite.
In the Middle Ages Europe was swept by the Blue Bonnet plague.
When you have finished the final step, Walla! you're ready to bake your cake.
Comments on Life Reeked With Joy
Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
Theologically, Luther was into reorientation mutation.
Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms.
The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
Industrialization was precipitating in England.
Voting was to be done by ballad.
Napoleon III-IV mounted the French thrown.
Here too was the new German: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
Music reeked with reality.
Wagner was master of music.
Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other
Germany was displaced after WWI.
Germany was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced.
A huge anti-semantic movement arose.
Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews"
a squirmish between Germany and France.
-= education humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------
Guidelines For Good Writing
Subject and verb always has to agree. Do not use a foreign term when there is
an adequate English quid pro quo. It behooves the writer to avoid archaic
expressions. Do not use hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
effectively. Avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. Mixed
mataphors are a pain in the neck and should be thrown out the window. Placing a
comma between subject and predicate, is not correct. Parenthetical words however
must be enclosed in commas. Consult a dictionary frequently to avoid mispelling.
Don't be redundant. Don't repeat yourself or say what you have said before.
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should not be used.
Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. Do not
put statements in the negative form. Proofread carefully to see if you have any
words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your
point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!!! Place pronouns as close a possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a
sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful
to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on
the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Hopefully, you will use
words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. Never use a long word
when a diminutive one will do. Avoid colloquial stuff. No sentence fragments.
Remember to finish what
-= education humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------
How To Write Good
by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
-= education humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------
Ships In The Night
by Lawrence Bush
I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. After we had
exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked, "What do you think
of Martha and I as a potential twosome?"
"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like it."
"You're interested in Martha?"
"I'm interested in clear communication."
"Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed. "Here I
thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique couple."
"You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"
"Say what? You think that Martha and me..."
"Martha and I."
"Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."
"I feel very badly about this."
"You shouldn't say that: I feel bad..."
"Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!"
-= education humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------
(Two guys and a gal in a tutorial with female tutor. The tutor is writing down
a problem on the board)...
Guy #1: "It's the same one from last week!"
Guy #2: nods/agrees.
Gal #1: does not understand...
Guy #1: "It's rather short."
Guy #2: nods/agrees.
Gal #1 intercepted: "She is writing three boards of solution and it's short?!"
Guys #1 & 2: "We're talking about her skirt."
-= education humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------
The College Food Chain
The Dean
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
The Department Head
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch
engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.
Professor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as
powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in
an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.
Associate Professor
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a
speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
Assistant Professor
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run
over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting
self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.
Instructor
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks
on thin ice. Prays a lot.
Graduate Student
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not
issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.
Undergraduate Student
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the
choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles
to himself.
Department Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a
single glance. She IS God.
-= education humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm
first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in
water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
-= education humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I am sorry for my
thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date but
before you read on you had better sit down. Okay?
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and concussion I got
when I jumped out of my apartment window when it caught fire after my arrival
here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I
can see almost normally and only get these sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire and my jump were witnessed by Roger an attendant at the gas
station, and he was the one who called the fire department. He also visited me
in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live he was kind enough to invite me
to share his apartment with him. He is a very fine man, and we are planning to
get married. We haven't set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show. His divorce is final now, and he shares custody of his 3
children.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that Roger has a minor infection
which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily.
Now that I have brought you up to date I want to tell you that there was no
fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital,
I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no
divorced man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in Art and an "F" in
Biology and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Bonnie
-= education humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------
Dear loving daughter,
Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this
letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.
You won't know the house when you come home; we've moved. Your dad read in
the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I
can't send you the new address, as the last family who lived here took the
numbers with them so that they would not have to change their address.
It was a lot of trouble moving; the most difficult thing was the bed. You
see, the man wouldn't let us take it in a taxi. It wouldn't have been too bad
if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't
working too good. Last week, I put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I
haven't seen the shirts since.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt Sue said it would be a little
too heavy to send in the mail with all them buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets. We didn't have an envelope big enough to hold the coat so
I just glued the stamp to the collar, wrote your address on the sleeve, and put
it in the mailbox. I'm sure the mailman will get it to you soon.
About your father, he has a lovely job. He has 500 people under him. He's
cutting grass in the cemetery.
Your sister Edna got herself engaged to that fellow that she's been going
with. He gave her a beautiful diamond ring with 3 diamonds missing. Edna also
had a baby this morning, but I haven't heard whether it's a boy or girl, so I
don't know whether you're an Aunt or Uncle.
Kate is still working in a factory in Hamtramouck. She's been there for 6
weeks. I'm sending her some clean underwear as she says she's been in the same
shift ever since she's started.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Publinski's Brewery.
Four of his fellow workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.
We cremated his body and it took three days to put the fire out.
Our neighbors, the Browns, started keeping pigs. We got wind of it this
morning.
I got my appendix out and a dishwasher in.
Your father didn't have too much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of
castor oil in his pint of whiskey and it kept him going until New Year's Day.
I went to the doctor Thursday, your father came with me. The doctor put a
small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open my mouth for 10 minutes.
Your father offered him $10 for it.
It rained twice this week. First for 3 days, then for 4 days.
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last
installment wasn't paid for on your grandmother in 7 days, up she comes.
Remember you friend Tom? Well, he's no longer with this world. His father
wanted to be buried at sea, Tom drowned digging the grave.
Oh, remember you old friend Bubba from third grade? He drown last week. His
dad was driving the pickup truck and Bubba was riding in the back when they went
off that bridge you used to fish off of. The dad was able to escape through the
window but poor Bubba couldn't get the tailgate down in time before the water
came in.
I must close now, the plumber is coming over here to repair the pipes,
there's a shocking smell.
Your loving mom,
Maevis
P.S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I already sealed the envelope.
-= education humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you
learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
-= education humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player
in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
-= education humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------
No, but they gave one to me anyway. - L.A. Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when
asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University
-= education humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------------
On a bright spring morning, four high school seniors decided to skip all
their morning classes. They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher
a very long-winded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the
problems they'd encountered in getting it fixed.
To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the
story. She just smiled and said, "I'd like you to make up a test you missed
this morning. Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens."
When the boys were ready, the teacher said, "Each of you answer the following
question: Which tire was flat?"
-= education humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------------
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh
Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you,
the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are
there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have
realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an
outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children
trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still
had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions
in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
-= education humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------------
Why don't art students play hide and seek?
Because nobody wants to look for them.
-= education humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------------
An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis
Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one
point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by
shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on
your resumes!"
-= education humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------------
An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue:
ENGL 323: English Literature
This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various works from Britain,
Canada and the United States. Knowledge of the English language is not required
but experience with plastic explosives is recommended. This course is not open
to students who have martyred themselves in previous offerings from this
department.
-= education humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they won't let *insert school name* play football at *insert
natural turf arena* any more?
They can't seem to stop the cheerleaders from grazing in the infield.
-= education humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between *insert school name* girls and dogs?
Dogs don't have zits.
-= education humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a galley slave and a graduate student?
They occasionally fed galley slaves.
-= education humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------------
Someone reported to the police that a boy had been beaten up. After
rescueing the boy and making sure he was okay, the police told him that they
would take him to his mother.
The boy said, "Don't take me there; she beats me."
"Okay, then we'll take you to your dad."
"No. He beats me, too."
"Then, where would you like us to take you?"
The boy said, "Send me to Ohio State; they don't beat anybody."
-= education humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------------
Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00
shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-= education humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------------
A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway:
Hire college students, while they still know everything.
-= education humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------------
This is something that happened in biology class last semester
The professor was talking about male sperm and how it has the chemical
composition of sugar or something like that.
A girl in the back of the class spoke up and said, "Oh yeah? Then why does it
taste so salty?"
I think it hit her about a minute later as to what she said. She got up and
left. Haven't seen her since.
-= education humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------------
When I was in Cornell, Chemistry 101 was considered to be an exceptionally
difficult course. Weekly recitation classes followed the lectures, to review
homework assignments and help the floundering students.
In our first recitation section, the teaching assistant started handing out a
pop quiz at the beginning of the class. As he was distributing the quiz, he
explained, "Just to make sure that everyone keeps up with the homework, we are
going to start each week with a little 'quizzy'. And it will be a third of your
grade."
One of the female students at the front of the class who had longer to
examine the quiz than the rest of us, and who obviously did not recognize any of
questions as relating to things we should have known exclaimed loudly, "Well!
If this is one of your little quizzies, I'd hate to see one of your big
Testies!"
While the laughter was dying down, a very red faced lady beat a hasty exit
for the door. We never saw her again.
-= education humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------------
Urban Legend Or Real?
In a biology class, students were supposed to wipe the inside of their cheeks
with Q-tips to get samples of their cells and then look at them under a
microscope. A girl looked into her microscope and then into her lab partner's,
and said, "Hey, mine looks different!" Her lab partner looked into her
microscope and said, "Wait a second, that's a sperm cell!" (which it actually
was). The girl dropped the class.
-= education humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------------
When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves, he
forgot to include graduate students.
-= education humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------------
Several recent studies have reported that Americans simply aren't learning
much science in school. That doesn't particularly bother me, because I know
they *are* getting lots of good, reliable scientific information from a number
of places. Like television, "Newsweek", the "National Enquirer", cereal boxes,
their hairdressers, and so forth. So who says science isn't getting across to
the public? Here's some things people recently have told me they know about
science.
The greenhouse effect is here and is already melting the polar icecap. By
next year, palm trees will be growing in Canada, beach boys will be hanging ten
off the coast of Nevada, and Cleveland, of all places, will suddenly become a
nice place to live.
There are only three California gray whales left in existence, and they
somehow got caught in an ice hole in Alaska. Only a huge investment of time,
money, and media coverage kept the species from becoming extinct.
Geraldo Rivera is the frightening result of a genetic engineering project
gone awry.
There's a hole in the ozone layer approximately the size of Roseanne Barr
that was caused by hairspray. It's how UFO's get to Earth.
A brand-new radioactive gas has been found in basements. It's called radon
and it causes cancer in a matter of weeks and worse, plays hell with resale
values.
Isaac Newton plays lead guitar for Guns 'n Roses (this from a high school
student).
The Japanese and French are building incredibly fast levitating trains that
have really super conductors on them.
All scientists cheat on their data, on their spouses, and on their income
taxes. Only Congress, whose members never cheat on their data, their spouses, or
their taxes, can put a stop to all this.
-= education humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------------
Student Bloopers:
A hamlet is a little pig.
A gargoyle is seen on church towers and people's necks.
Faith is a quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Chalk and sand can always be separated by flirtation
The commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," means that you should not put
water in milk, or cheat in any way similar.
The locusts were the chief plague in Egypt. They ate all the first-born.
Joseph was so straight that Pharaoh made a ruler of him.
If David had one fault, it was a slight tendency to adultery.
The wise men brought gifts of gold and frankfurters.
John the Baptist was beheaded with the Ax of the Apostles
The three wise men were Winken, Blinken, and Nod.
-= education humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor during a biology class asks his students, "What part of the human
body enlarges up to 15 times of its original size?"
One female student raises her hand and answers, "That's easy, it's a penis."
"You're wrong miss," said the professor, "does anyone else know what it is?"
"It's the pupil in the eye," answered a male student.
"You're perfectly right," said the teacher, "and you, young lady, are a very
lucky person."
-= education humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------------
At Drew University, one of our professors is famous for handing out an
average of 2-3 photocopies per day. The photocopies contain class notes, so you
spend a lot more time learning then copying things down from the board.
In a large class (40 students), passing out 4 sheets on one day can be
confusing. It seems we liberal arts students can't deal with it and none of the
four stacks will take the same path through the class and, often, more time is
spent figuring out which photocopy you didn't get than just getting the
photocopy.
In response to this, this memo was sent out during the second week of class.
P. S. Yes, this is REAL. Drew's student:teacher ratio is 1:14. 40 students in
a class is hard to find.
Memo
To: CompSci 112 students
From: Barry Burd
Re: Paper passing
It has come to my attention that you people don't know how to pass papers around
the room. When passing papers, please observe the following simple rules:
1. If you're on an odd-numbered row, please pass papers to the right. If
you're the rightmost person in the row, please pass to the rightmost person in
the row behind you.
2. If you're on an even-numbered row, please pass papers to the left. If
you're the leftmost person in the row, please pass to the leftmost person in the
tow behind you.
3. If you're in the last row and, given the above rules, there's no one to pass
papers to, then collect the extras and hand them back to me. I'll put the
extras in recycling bins.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
-= education humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------------
At Carnegie-Mellon University, supposedly an architecture student, distraught
at failing a final, leapt to his death down a particular stairwell of Science
Hall (renamed Wean Hall by unbelievers) once upon a time in the mid-1970's.
This stairway was informally christened "Architect's Leap", and a red
bulls-eye, complete with a body outline off to the side (i.e., it missed the
bulls-eye!) was painted at the bottom of the stairway.
Some students also made a short movie on the theme.
-= education humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------------
From Risks Digest, Risks-List: Risks-Forum Digest; Monday 13 April 1992; Volume
13 : Issue 39
According to the Rochester, NY, "Democrat & Chronicle" of April 11, the
Community College of the Finger Lakes is changing its name to Finger Lakes
Community College. Although the changeover is expected to cost $50,000, college
officials say that greater expenses have arisen from confusion and omission of
the two-year school from state and federal college registries.
According to college president Charles Mader, CCFL often gets short-changed
by computerized listings that identify it as "Community College of the Finger."
-= education humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------------
These twelve adorable freshman coeds will now perform for your delectations the
dance of the virgins. Mainly from memory.
-= education humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------------
"Nothing is impossible," the professor declared with finality. "Nothing that
the mind of man can conceive is impossible."
"Professor," asked a small voice, "did you ever try to strike a match on a
marshmallow?"
-= education humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------------
A school board in Maine that had 'Black Beauty' pulled from the shelves in the
mistaken belief that it had something to do with sexy females of African
ancestry.
A university in Australia that would periodically fail to receive its
subscription copy of the British scientific journal 'Nature', which the local
Customs officer took to be the title of a naturist magazine.
-= education humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------------
The World According To Student Bloopers
Richard Lederet, St. Paul's School
Intro: One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessart and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,
Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,
Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
on mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob
was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did
not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to
the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon,
one of david's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of
columns, Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx
until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer
also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses
endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by
another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw
the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of
Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they faught with the
Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets the guests wore
garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no true man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at Wittenberg for
selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important inventor was the
circulation of blood. Sir francis drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before
her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never
made much money and is famous because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with
his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of
Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself
in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a
heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hole. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real navigator
who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called
the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean,
and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock,
they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their cabooses, which
proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.
Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their
tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any
stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our
country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms. (Editor's note: so, he basically gave us the tank-top ;) )
Abraham Lincoln ecame America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. when
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there
is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves
by signing the Emasculation Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the
ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather torcher and lynch
the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and
oder. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. This ruined Booth's
career.
Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenmentwas a reasonable time. Voltare invented
electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off
trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beetoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him.Beetoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems, and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Hosephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on the
east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her
life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a serf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
-= education humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------------
Local College Offers Star Trek Anthropology Course
An article in the Thursday, February 7 Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, VA)
by Michael Zitz was about an undergraduate anthropology course examining
episodes of Star Trek (TOS) for their anthropological relevance. The
instructor, Professor Margaret Huber, had noticed that students who seemed bored
and listless during a review session for physical anthropology perked up when
she referred to an old Star Trek episode to make a point.
The course Anthropology 472: Anthology of Star Trek analyzes Star Trek as a
mirror of contemporary American culture and American attitudes about other
cultures. There is no dramatic criticism, film criticism, or literary criticism
involved, the focus is to teach the class to look at the episodes with an
anthropologist's eye. The 22 episodes chosen for this class all demonstrate how
American popular culture has led to a mixture of fact and fiction. One example
used is "The Paradise Syndrome", in which Captain Kirk is stranded on an
Earth-like planet that has produced a civilization similar to that of Native
Americans before the intrusion of the white man.
The anthropological point of this episode is that American popular culture
portrays all Native Americans as Plains Indians, and that has resulted in a
mish-mash of dwellings, dress, rites, and symbols in the Star Trek episode.
The instructor cautions that this is not a course for those students looking
for an easy A but a real anthropology course that uses material that many of
today's college students are already familiar with to examine anthropological
theory.
-= education humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------------
The University of Oklahoma
Department of Recruiting
Norman, Oklahoma
% Founded 1900
% Football since 1940
% Basketball since 1952
% Academics beginning 2014
The University of Oklahoma is pleased to announce the following commitments of
high school football players for the 1989 recruiting season:
Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 190, Wide Receiver
Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music. Will demand a
mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number of "You
knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete
name.
Cletis Quentious Jenkins: 6'2", 190, Running Back
Set state scoring record out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state
in burglaries, but has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2
seconds with a 25" TV under his arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Danzell: 6'1", 185, Running Back
Home town, West Memphis, Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee
Williams fairly well. Before he signs a letter of intent, he wants OU to change
uniform colors to chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as "Red Brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 275, Tackle
Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14 children.
Mother indicates Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same father. Has
manslaughter trial pending but feels confident of being found innocent. Says,
"The bum say somethin' bad 'bout my momma." On OU entrance form, lists IQ as
20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 175, Quarterback
Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he's now
26-years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmet stands for "Nowledge," but
still meets OU academic requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It matches
his score on SAT.
Tyrone "Python" Peeples: 6'10", 180, Wide Receiver
Home town Cuero, Texas. Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other
five will file charges. Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but
also willing to sign with OU. Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell
is the Mexican phone company.
Abdul Aba Ali: 6'8", 245, Guard
Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones. Thinks
Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know the meaning
of the word "fear". Does not know the meaning of a lot of other words, either.
-= education humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------------
These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the
bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great
deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation
and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more
convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then
kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west
poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in
wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
To collect oxygen in the laboratory, you invert a brunette over a water bath.
-= education humor =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------------
Culled from elementary school essays on U.S. politics:
Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his
father but a president is not.
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the
majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets
to be president.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they
became president.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his
cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the
budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is
when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while
politics are with us all the time.
The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn
at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he
finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard
them called other things.
One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be
people.
Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the
most elected.
A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.
An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention
and whelms the delegates.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it
up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the
one who can think of the most things to promise.
Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas
and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It
is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter. A candidate should
always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It
is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
-= education humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------------
Things (Not) To Do Or Say At Or For Your Thesis Defense
Written by Master Peter Dutton
contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson
and a few others.
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4) Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the spectators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from
sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you, there's a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of
minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story, a Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked
into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell".
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61) "Okay, which one of you farted?"
62) Rimshot.
63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64) Pass out souvenir matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag, you're it!"
67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that
it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
(made-up non-existent room number)"
69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me
Professors X,Y, and Z", BEFORE your defense happens.
72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.
75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
79) Tap dance.
80) Vaudeville.
81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.
You're out."
82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
83) Dress in top hat and tails.
84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a
bonfire.
85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
86) Shadow puppets.
87) Show slides of your last vacation.
88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge
of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a
different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
90) "Okay everybody, heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
93) Instant replay.
94) Laugh maniacally.
95) Talk with your mouth full.
96) Start speaking in tongues.
97) Explode.
98) Implode.
99) Spontaneously combust.
100) Answer every question with a question.
101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
102) Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol.
103) Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did.
104) Mention your professor as "my helper."
105) Say that you'd like to thank a few people. Pull out the White Pages. Start
reading.
106) Advertise it as "pot luck".
107) Talk in Klingonese.
108) Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek".
109) Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle when
they don't.
110) Wear a trenchcoat. And nothing else.
111) Dress in a Wild West style.
112) Go dressed in scuba gear. Use the oxygen tank.
113) Preface with the story of your life.
114) Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex; men, wear a bikini; women, wear
trunks.
115) Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk. The bigger, the better. Have a
questioner thrown out "as an example."
116) Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it. Jump out and begin.
117) Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, kill yourself offstage when you're
done.
118) Half way through, break down. Go to your professor, curl up on his or her
lap and call him or her "Mommy". Suck your thumb.
119) Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome.
120) Suddenly develop the China Syndrome.
121) "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite
corporation)..."
122) Secede from the U.S. Give yourself political asylum.
123) Talk in Canadianese, add an "eh" after every sentence.
124) When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin over
the final answer.
125) Videotape it ahead of time and get someone set it up to show. Come in the
back and sit there. When your tape is done, ask for questions. In person.
126) Have every person pick a "CB" handle. Enforce their usage. Talk in CB
lingo. End every statement with "good buddy." End every question with
"over."
127) Provide party favors. Noisy ones.
128) Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty.
129) Mention that you have to hurry because "Hard Copy" is on in 15 minutes.
130) Dress like your school mascot.
131) Urge your committee that if they like your defense enough to tell two
friends, and then they'll tell two friends, and so on, and so on...
132) Show up in drag accompanied by the Drag Queens you met at last night's
performance and proclaim your thesis presentation will instead discuss:
"Blue Eyeshadow: Our Friend Or Foe?"
133) "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein."
134) Hand out 3-D glasses.
135) "I'm rubber, you're glue..."
136) Go into labor (especially for men).
137) Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
138) "I don't know, I didn't write this."
139) Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
140) Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
141) Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the
coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room.
Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps.
142) Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
143) Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
144) Invite the homeless.
145) "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
146) Hide.
147) Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot"
him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the
stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
148) Same as #116, except use real bullets.
149) "Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
150) Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing
else.
151) Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
152) Play Thesis Mad Libs.
153) Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
154) Do your entire defense operatically.
155) Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We
always knew he was such an intelligent child")
156) Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
157) Mosh pit.
158) Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
159) Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
160) "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
161) Claim political asylum.
162) Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
163) Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to
Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
164) Live radio and TV coverage.
165) Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
166) Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
167) Use a TelePromTer
168) "Take my wife, please!"
169) Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
170) Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon,
you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
171) Offer a toast.
172) Firewalk.
173) Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
174) Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each
question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
175) Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
176) "By the power of Greyskull..."
177) Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
178) Stand on the table.
179) "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I
COULD have done..."
-= education humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------------
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been to many
major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you good fortune. This
is true even if you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions:
- include in your next journal article the citations below.
- remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to your journal
article at the bottom.
- make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze your
fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex life. In addition,
you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the reference loop, but
send this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she was
elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this letter away
and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside.
His article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He found the letter and
passed it on, and his article was published that year in the New England Journal
of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a
budget cutback his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you
if you break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992).
Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991).
Micturition in the canid family: the irresistible pull of the hydrant.
Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?:
An empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior.
Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994).
Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with Emergent Symbolic
Structure.
(doctoral dissertation, University of California at
Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
-= education humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------------
Marvin Moss, a Hollywood agent, started off poor and made it big. When he
died 2-3 years ago, he left several million dollars to the college he attended
to be used for fun. No academics, they have to spend the money on recreation
and other things that are fun for the students.
What a way to go. And it's tax deductible.
-= education humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------------
A "small college story" going around here (at least three people have told me
this story, each one claiming it was them):
A student, working on a rather long math homework assignment, discovered that
one problem fairly easy to solve, except that it required about three pages of
fairly simple proof after the one or two difficult steps. It being rather late
at night, he did the difficult steps and left the proof undone, along with a
note:
This proof is left as an exercise for the grader.
Next week, he received his homework back. He noted that several extra pages
had been stapled to the back of it. Examining the extra pages, he was surprised
to find the entire proof written down step-by step. At the end, in red pen, the
grader had written:
I made a minor math error. Minus 2.
-= education humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------------
Back when I was attending the University of Utah, the school newspaper ran a
joke ad for a debate between Phil Donahue and Whiskers the Lamb. Over 30 people
showed up. (What they were expecting, God only knows.)
-= education humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------------
My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible football team.
They were in a league against intellectually third-rate colleges, and the U of C
cheer was:
That's all right,
That's okay,
You're going to work for us someday!
-= education humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------------
At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money.
The concensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has
proven to be a very wise investment for the college."
The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have
been atypical."
-= education humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------------
Dean: I hate to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but your son is a moron.
Jones: What?! Where is that young good-for-nothing? I'll teach him not to join
a fraternity without consulting me!
-= education humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor at a college frequently uses sexist and degrading terms that
refer to women in his lectures. One day, a group of girls decide that the next
time the professor says something sexist or degrading they would get up and walk
out of his lecture.
During the next class, the professor said that there was a shortage of whores
in France. Hearing this, the group of girls got up and began to walk out of the
lecture. Seeing the girls leaving, the professor said, "Why are you leaving
now, the next plane to France isn't until 7pm."
-= education humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------------
Grad-Student Emotion Check List
6:30am Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, which means no eating out
for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the
snooze button; you turned it off.
7:01 Fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early brunch at
(Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's/whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today.
Must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by advisor's office, chat with secretary to find out if he is
coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this
afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the
class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart, go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for
your money back. Wonder why they would believe you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your
work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself about
your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good
about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the
world (using the "finger" command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need and
kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams.
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time.
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are working
hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the garbage
you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft and presentation.
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation.
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company.
12:15 Hunger pangs.
12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your
desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foreign
officemate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your advisor
that you need to do some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation
possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/and the rest of your
life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 Splitting headache #1.
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that.
2:06 More generic cola.
2:17 Oh no, it is my turn to cook tonight :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree
program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif
files. Sharpen pencil.
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter, NOT! No time for
that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you have any money. Fear
of losing aid next fall. Read latex manuals to figure out how to put
&$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight. Vow to watch
only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice advisor leave.
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office.
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office
late at night to "get the work done".
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack those
FTP sites since network wont be loaded. Run into "since network won't be
loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your machine. Compress all
unwanted research/class directories to make space. Back up all your
pictures
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work; Realize you need references. Realize it's
too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having wasted
the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to turn in
early and come back very early tomorrow morning. Decide to play a Tetris
on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the
scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two
notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of
achievement! Yes, today was not wasted! Return home to find your
roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the
"hard working grad student day you had". Discuss philosophy with
roommate.
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining
Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about
politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is better to
set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the "too
much milk problem".
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to
sleep.
(repeat)
-= education humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------------
Ways To Annoy And Confuse Your Roommate
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is off at class or work.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work
up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.
If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art
class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when
you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think
the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When
you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If
your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to
discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your
dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that
you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least
6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment
for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks
by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes, and
giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put porno magazines under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while,
then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.
Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method
to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
phone for a few seconds, then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're
holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that
your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call security or the police whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour without saying
anything.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't
trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for
an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in the
middle of the bedroom.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a Bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or
goddamnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The
next day, say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask
if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns
around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. If you're a male, and your roommate is female, always leave the toilet seat
up.
98. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
99. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
100. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
101. Dress in drag.
102. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it.
Name it. Sleep in it.
103. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door screaming,
"Let me in! Let me in!" Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
104. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
105. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her
for not listening to you.
106. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
107. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a headache.
108. Start a brothel.
109. Constantly slip and fall, on your carpet.
110. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if
it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure he/she follows it.
111. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
112. Invite the school President to sleepover.
113. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
114. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate
comments, pretend not to hear anything.
115. If you wake up earlier than your roommate, set the alarm for thirty minutes
earlier than you would normally wake up, turn up the volume if it's a clock
radio alarm, and hit the Snooze button repeatedly, pretending to go back to
sleep each time around.
116. Walk into walls.
117. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
118. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
119. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at
them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
120. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching
you."
121. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and
forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until he/she comes
out.
122. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into
Gumby.
123. Open a can of beans or spaghetti, empty it into his bed, and then replace
the can in the cupboard.
124. Crumble a few packs of crisps into his bed; they take ages to clear off
again.
125. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating (useful,
as my housemate can't wire a plug up)
126. Move all of his furniture outside
127. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
128. Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your
naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be Free! Fly, be
Free!"
129. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so
it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
130. Invite your roomie to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the
ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
131. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start
again.
132. Complain about your menstrual cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course,
if you happen to be male.
133. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream
"Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and
finish eating.
134. Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France.
Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something, scream in terror and go
running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
135. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
136. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and
godawfully rude every sentence.
-= education humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------------
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.
"The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father,
"is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
-= education humor =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------------
From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988:
The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May,
but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state was
misspelled 'Wisconson'.
-= education humor =-= 82 =---------------------------------------------------
The Professor enters the classroom, looks around, and bids his charges a hearty
"Good Morning!" The freshmen respond with, "Good morning, Professor!" The
sophomores mutter, "Morning!" The juniors grunt. And the seniors simply write
down the Professor's greeting into their notes.
-= education humor =-= 83 =---------------------------------------------------
British higher education joke:
What is the difference between a University, Polytechnic and a College?
When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a University, all the
students ignore him.
When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a College, all the
students say "Good Morning" back.
When the lecturer walks in and says "Good Morning" in a Polytechnic, half the
students fall asleep, half the students write it down, and one at the back asks
"Why?".
-= education humor =-= 84 =---------------------------------------------------
Joseph Hazelwood, convicted of misdemeanor negligence for leaving the bridge of
the Exxon Valdez before it ran aground and created the nation's worst oil spill,
has been hired to teach students at the Maritime College of the State University
of New York how to stand watch!
What's next?
o The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
o The Mike Tyson Charm School
o The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
o The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
o The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
o The Daryl Gates/Al Sharpton Study on Race Relations
o The Don King Barber College
o The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
o The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy
-= education humor =-= 85 =---------------------------------------------------
One of my engineering profs was from Egypt. He was an agreeable fellow but
his teaching style was vomitorious and his English was unintelligible. One day,
he announced an exam for February 2. One guy shouted in an astonished tone,
"BUT THAT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!"
"Vot? Iss zees a releegious holiday?" he asked.
We strung him along for several minutes. He finally caught onto the joke and
laughed with us. We were ultimately saved by the outbreak of war between Egypt
and Israel; he suddenly quit and went home.
-= education humor =-= 86 =---------------------------------------------------
Reminds me of the one where the professor is droning away in the huge lecture
hall when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The professor
shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
-= education humor =-= 87 =---------------------------------------------------
In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school board was voted
into office in the 1988 election. After taking over, they dutifully issued a
budget for FY1990, carefully balanced to projected revenues.
When the state's Board of Education in Austin asked why they planned to spend
NO money on foreign language education that year, the answer was, "We don't hold
with new-fangled ways. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it should
be good enough for the children of our town."
Last I heard, no one from Austin has been able to show them the flaw in their
logic.
-= education humor =-= 88 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor returned to class with the examination papers and requested that all
the students sit down. "If you stood up, it is conceivable that you might form
a circle, in which case I might be arrested for maintaining a dope ring."
-= education humor =-= 89 =---------------------------------------------------
How long is the Harvard Bridge, which links MIT with Boston? Exactly 364.4
Smoots plus one ear. One Smoot is 5 feet 7 inches, the height of Oliver Reed
Smoot Jr., whose body was used as a unit of measure when Lambda Chi Alpha
pledges were ordered to determine the length of the bridge in 1958.
As the pledges manhandled Smoot end-to-end like a ruler, they marked each
length with chalk. The chalk marks were later replaced with painted marks on
the sidewalk. These were threatened by a reconstruction project until the city
decided that Smoot had "become part of the folklore" of the bridge. So the new
sidewalk was scored at 5-foot 7-inch intervals instead of the usual six feet.
Why was Smoot chosen to be immortalized in concrete? Smoot himself answered
this question at the dedication of the new sidewalk. "Out of the 14 pledges, I
had the distinction of being the shortest," he said.
-= education humor =-= 90 =---------------------------------------------------
From the back of a local T-shirt:
Top Ten Subtle Differences Between CMU and Hell
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot women in Hell.
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
(or, for that matter, substitute CMU with the school of your disliking :-) )
-= education humor =-= 91 =---------------------------------------------------
English Professors' Comments To Students Papers
I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. - Ohio University
I am returning this note to you instead of your paper because it (your paper)
currently occupies the bottom of my birdcage. - Providence College
Your manuscript is both good and original. But the part that is good is not
original, and the part that is original is not good. - Samuel Johnson
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your
paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And
as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we
are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you
a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity. - from The Humanist
Association of Canada Spring 1992 Newsletter, which also noted "For writers only
- Every writer has received rejection slips; too many of them for most. The
"Financial Times" has quoted the 'mother of all rejection slips', translated
from a Chinese economic journal."
-= education humor =-= 92 =---------------------------------------------------
How To Take Notes
When the professor says: You write:
Probably the greatest quality of the
poetry of John Milton, who was born
in 1608, is the combination of beauty John Milton - born 1608
and power. Few have excelled him in
the use of the English language, or
for that matter, in lucidity of verse
form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be
the greatest single poem ever written.
When Lafayette first came to this
country, he discovered America. The Lafayette discovered America
Americans needed his help if their
cause was to survive, and this he
promptly supplied them.
Current historians have come to doubt Most of the problems that now face the
the complete advantageousness of some United States are directly traceable to
of Roosevelt's policies. the bungling and greed of Roosevelt.
It is possible that we do not The professor is a communist.
understand the Russian viewpoint.
The puissance of hydrochloric acid is Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of
incontestable; however, the corrosive steel.
residue is inharmonious with metallic
persistence.
-= education humor =-= 93 =---------------------------------------------------
The fine folks at Cliff Notes have put out a notes on _No_Exit_, a play which is
maybe ten pages long, and therefore capable of being read (if not understood) by
most high school sophomores on a half hour bus ride. One of the insightful
comments in the Notes is that "Sartre emphasizes the dark, dreary, depressing
side of Hell."
As opposed to what?!? The great nightlife?
Eternal Damnation: A Light-Hearted Look?
-= education humor =-= 94 =---------------------------------------------------
From Molly Ivins' column in the December issue of "The Progressive":
As part of [Harvard Business School dean John] McArthur's effort to weed out
people interested only in lucre, the admissions process now includes thirteen
questions and nine essays, rather than a standardized test, and takes hours to
complete. To make the cut, students must answer a few questions about ethics.
For example, they are asked to explain, in the application, how they managed
an ethical dilemma they have experienced. But according to Laura Gordon Fisher,
the school's admissions director, many students say they have never encountered
an ethical dilemma.
"It's amazing how many people admit they've never experienced a moral
dilemma," said Fisher. "Some applicants want to know if they should fabricate
one."
-= education humor =-= 95 =---------------------------------------------------
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and
talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing
them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of
'58."
-= education humor =-= 96 =---------------------------------------------------
Two pigeons were flying over a stadium when one looked down and said, "Look!
That's the Harvard/Yale football game going on down there. Who do you think
will win?"
The other bird said, "I dunno, but I just put everything I had on Yale."
-= education humor =-= 97 =---------------------------------------------------
Personnel officer: Where did you study accounting?
Applicant: In yale.
Personnel officer: Very good! Just the man we're looking for. You're hired.
What did you say your name was?
Applicant: Yackson, sir.
-= education humor =-= 98 =---------------------------------------------------
A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal.
In my college dorm, we play 'Assassin,' like lots of students. Unlike most
people though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if you
hit your target there's never an argument about whether you really hit them
because, well, they're covered with Silly String(tm).
But for those two weeks, you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, even
into classrooms where you're automatically safe. So there I was in this
Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly String at
the ready while the professor lectured.
The class was Psychology Of Group Behavior and the professor was describing
our next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspoken
rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's dining-hall tray and start
eating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a group
norm blatantly and intentionally and then write a little two-page paper about
it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle, and gets up on the stage
with the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless to
say everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down the
house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
-= education humor =-= 99 =---------------------------------------------------
Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietly
not to wake up the other classes.
-= education humor =-= 100 =---------------------------------------------------
This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What
is courage?" The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
-= education humor =-= 101 =---------------------------------------------------
As a student teacher in college, I received this list of "politically correct"
characteristics which help describe undesirable behavior to a child's parents.
Here are a few of the undesirable characteristics some children have and how
teachers are supposed to communicate the behavior without offending the parents:
Characteristic often difficult A positive and professional statement
to communicate to parents that communicates without offending
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Bully - Needs help in playing and working democratically with others.
Cheats - Needs help in learning to follow rules and standards of fair play.
Dirty - Needs guidance in development of good habits of health and hygiene.
Fights - Resorts to physical means of winning or attracting attention.
Lazy - Requires an unusual amount of supervision to get work completed.
Lies - Has difficulty in distinguishing between facts and imaginary events.
Selfish - Needs help in learning to enjoy sharing with others.
Steals - Needs help in learning to respect the property rights of others.
Swears - Needs help in learning to express himself in a more acceptable
vocabulary.
-= education humor =-= 102 =---------------------------------------------------
Bellevue, WA
There's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the
woman who called wanting information on home schooling.
Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their
support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining
procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.
Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind
of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper
form.
The mother gave a Renton address.
The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in
Renton, the Lake Washington School District.
"No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better
than Renton schools."
-= education humor =-= 103 =---------------------------------------------------
There were three work crews, each with engineers from Stanford, COrnell, and
RIT. Each crew were to install as many telephone poles as they could in one
day.
At the end of the day, the foreman walks up to the Stanford Engineer. He
asks, "How many telephone poles did you put up?"
"Twenty Seven" replies the Stanford Engineer.
"Excellent!" exclaims the foreman, and he goes to the Cornell Engineer and
asks the same question.
"Twenty three" replies the COrnell engineer.
"Not bad!" acknowledges the foreman and he goes to the RIT engineer, and
again asks the question.
"Three" was the answer.
"You mean," said the surprised foreman, "That the others did twenty seven and
twenty three and you ony did three?"
"Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out!"
-= education humor =-= 104 =---------------------------------------------------
From the Winnipeg Free Press:
Dateline: Ohio - Junior high school teacher Richard Ehret is now back at school
after being suspended for 10 days without pay for teaching the kids lines from
the book, Latin for All Occasions. Among the phrases he taught the students in
Latin: "You have a big piece of spinach on your front teeth," and "Your fly is
open."
-= education humor =-= 105 =---------------------------------------------------
What you have when everyone wears the same play clothes for all occasions, is
addressed by nickname, expected to participate in Show and Tell, and bullied out
of any desire for privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten. - Miss Manners
(Judith Martin)
-= education humor =-= 106 =---------------------------------------------------
Only Dweebs Read Books!
Originally posted annoynomously on the alt.drugs newsgroup
Responsible Fellow Travellers of A.D -
It has recently come to my attention that many of the "regulars" here on
alt.drugs have developed serious book habits. As a worker in library
automations systems, I have seen first hand the grisly damage caused the use of
books, the hollow, vacant staring eyes of the hard-core reader, broken down in
the corners of a public library; it's not pretty sight.
Statistics show that most Americans are well acquainted with the dangers of
books and wisely avoid their use, but here on alt.drugs, I've even seen
ostensibly responsible adults urging the naive and innocent youth of our nation
to indulge their lust for knowledge in the most wanton and irresponsible manner
possible, even publicly encouraging trips to libraries, reading books at night,
even periodicals and journal articles! And never a word of warning, to advise
these vulnerable youngsters of the wickedness, the lurking danger in books.
Don't you people see what happens to "readers"? It doesn't matter what you read,
even a "pamphlet", in "reader" street jargon, can spark your interest, and once
you're interested in something, it's all over; you'll be a reader for life,
quickly moving on to heavier stuff. Eventually, you might even end up reading
Heidegger or Proust!
Unfortunately, books have thoroughly saturated the very structures of our
society. But the Bible reassures us that eventually righteousness shall
prevail, and we WILL WIN THE WAR ON READERS! For it began with the fall from
grace, when A&E ate of the "Tree of Knowledge", a clear reference to their
immoral, wrong and perverse use of books! And so shall it end, when we return
the land to righteousness, severely restrict the use of dangerous books, and
burn those particularly damaging tracts which cannot be responsibly used by
anyone!
I know the skeptical among you may be thinking, "What a hypocrite! He works
for the library industry, he admits to having read the Bible! He's a reader
himself!" And all of that is true, but the crucial difference is that THE BIBLE
IS NOT REALLY A BOOK! Yes, it has many similar characteristics of a book, but
unlike harmful books like the Hobbit and Huck Finn (which should be banned
everywhere!) the Bible is far less likely to get you "interested". Most people
read the Bible for it's righteousness, not for it's content. With responsible
use, the Bible can be read safely without really causing interest or
enlightenment. Indeed, the Bible can hardly be characterized as a recreational
book; it's very hard to get even a giggle out of it, and most people never laugh
when reading the Bible.
Books should only be read in moderation, if at all, under the benevolent
guidance and care of the libraries. We should all look out for one another: if
you see a Reader on the street, report him to the authorities at once; if caught
early enough, some readers can be rehabilitated and reintegrated into polite
society. And if someone gives you a book, or even suggests that you read a
book, JUST SAY NO! Put it back on the shelf, brother! And support the fight
for de-literization. This country will be much safer and tidier when we've
finally rounded up all the book dealers and thrown them in jail and seized their
illicit private stashes of books! Remember, ONLY DWEEBS READ BOOKS! - Standing
Aboveus
Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
-= education humor =-= 107 =---------------------------------------------------
The football team of Texas A&M took an IQ test. High point man was the Tackling
Dummy.
-= education humor =-= 108 =---------------------------------------------------
Fourth Law of Applied Educational Terror: The night before the English History
mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
-= education humor =-= 109 =---------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a 4 year research grant and a 4 year athletic
scholarship?
The athletic scholarship comes with a grant of immunity.
-= education humor =-= 110 =---------------------------------------------------
"Explosive Liquid" Not Crystal Clear To NMSU Fraternity Brothers
Las Cruces Sun News, Friday, Feb 5, 1993
Some New Mexico State University fraternity brothers attempted to blow up
bottles of a clear liquid by throwing them off the roof of a two-story building
at 1804 Wyoming Wednesday, police said.
When the liquid would not blow up, they tried putting firecrackers in the
bottles to ignite the liquid; that didn't work either, said State Police Capt.
John McAninch, commander of the Las Cruces District.
The problem was the clear liquid was Crystal Pepsi, the new form of Pepsi
Cola, he said. Although the liquid was in clearly marked bottles, McAninch said
the students told him they didn't know what it was.
-= education humor =-= 111 =---------------------------------------------------
Mathematical Formula
lim (major) = P.E.
GPA-->0
-= education humor =-= 112 =---------------------------------------------------
Alternative Student Loan Application
While picking up some financial aid forms at one of the universities here in the
Twin Cities, I came across a pamphlet discussing different loan programs, which
also included advertisements for different banks in the area. One of the much
more humorous ones was one for Twin City Federal, which was titled "Get a Degree
Without The Third Degree", followed by a bogus student loan application which
looks something like this:
1st Humongous Bank
Student Loan Application
Name (if any): _______________________________
Middle Last First
Address: _____________________________________
Last 34 addresses: ___________________________
Sex: __ Male __ Female __ Not Sure
Are you an illegal alien? __ Ja __ Si __ Oui __ Da
Annual income: $________
(If over $3,000, where did you get the nerve to beg us for a loan?)
Astrological sign: ____________ (Stop here if you're a Leo or Taurus)
Grandmother's maiden name: ________ Her World War II service record?: ______
Last book you read:
__ The Joy of Saxaphone __ Mad __ Manhattan telephone directory
Your favorite number from 17 to 39: __ (this will be the interest on your loan,
if you're lucky enough to get one from us)
Are you now on the FBI's "Ten Most Wanted" list? __ Yes __ No
In 7,000 words or more, discuss the International Monetary Fund and its
ramifications related to the Chicago White Sox infield and Victorian matters:
(use back side, if needed)
If you miss a payment on your loan, what is your preferred method of torture?
__ The Rack __ Iron Maiden __ A night with Lawrence Welk
Do you like to fill our forms? (We have more when you complete this one)
__ Yes __ Goodbye
Do you secretly like your father's Oldsmobile? __ Yes __ Maybe a little
Do you sleep in: __ Pajamas? __ Underwear? __ Nude?
State your college major. (Must be one of these to qualify for student loan)
__ Swine diseases __ Harpsichord tuning __ History of chewing gum
Do you still believe in:
__ Santa Claus? __ Easter Bunny? __ Professional wrestling?
Are you willing to be polygraphed, scrutinized, notarized, and steroid tested to
obtain a loan from us? __ Absolutely __ Positively __ You betcha __ Sure
__ Of course __ Certainly __ No problem
If all of the above is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
sign here in the presence of 12 witnesses (preferrably Supreme Court Justices
and Nobel Prize winners)
_______________ ________
Signature Date
-= education humor =-= 113 =---------------------------------------------------
My wife is an elementary school music specialist and she pointed this gem out to
me (reprinted without permission from "The CTA Reporter" (CTA means 'Classroom
Teacher's Association'):
The Lesson
Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him.
He taught them saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom
of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are they
who thirst after righteousness. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Blessed
are they who suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.
Remember what I am telling you."
Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we be tested on it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And the other disciples likewise.
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and
inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept.
-= education humor =-= 114 =---------------------------------------------------
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education
became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be
doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in
the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded,
"Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"
-= education humor =-= 115 =---------------------------------------------------
The following wedding announcement appeared in our local newspaper about a year
ago. I think it's kinda funny, but that's probably because I've got an
engineering degree. :-)
Mr. and Mrs. Adam Ledford of Lincolnton announce the engagement and forthcoming
marriage of their daughter, Bridgett Ledford, to John May, both of Boone. Ms.
Ledford is an Appalachian State University graduate with a bachelor of science
degree in communications. She is a pharmacist technician at Boone Drug on
Deerfield road. May is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Bill Tucker of Raleigh. He is
also an ASU graduate and has a bachelor of arts degree in philosophy and
religion. He is employed by Domino's Pizza.
-= education humor =-= 116 =---------------------------------------------------
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"
-= education humor =-= 117 =---------------------------------------------------
Quotes from Famous Economist:
Football has as much to do with Education as Bullfighting has to Agriculture.
Sports makes higher education palatable for students who do not belong.
- Veblen
-= education humor =-= 118 =---------------------------------------------------
Seen in a classified ad:
For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds
per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during
Miss Johnson's 5th period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy.
-= education humor =-= 119 =---------------------------------------------------
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the
sarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing
up there all by yourself."
-= education humor =-= 120 =---------------------------------------------------
A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary
drawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class joker in the
front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"
The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I
strongly suspect its parents."
-= education humor =-= 121 =---------------------------------------------------
Student: What's your opinion on the paper I submitted last week?
Professor: It's absolute drivel.
Student: I know, but let's hear it anyway.
-= education humor =-= 122 =---------------------------------------------------
Farting During Class Can Be Dangerous
Jakarta, Indonesia (Reuter) - Fifteen Indonesian schoolgirls drowned Tuesday
after being forced into the water by their teacher as a punishment, according to
news reports Friday.
The Suara Pembaruan daily said surivors said the girls, most aged 13, were
told to enter the Opak River near Yogyakarta, 275 miles east of Jakarta, after
no one admitted who passed gas.
The girls, who could not swim, were on a biology excursion Tuesday. There
were six survivors. Fifteen were swept away by the fast-flowing river.
"At the time, Mr. S.P. was in charge so we were all scared, even though we
actually felt horrified to have to jump into the river," one of the survivors
told Antara news agency.
Local police declined to give details if any action would be taken against
the teacher, identified only by his initials.
-= education humor =-= 123 =---------------------------------------------------
From a conversation overheard a few days ago at the Duke University student
center. Yes, this is real; I'm not clever enough to make up something like this.
A new version of the "my dog ate the homework" excuse for not getting a project
done:
"I told the professor that with the medication I was taking, it wasn't
advisable for me to drive a car, operate heavy machinery, OR FORMAT FLOPPY
DISKS."
-= education humor =-= 124 =---------------------------------------------------
Excuses actually received by teachers at school via notes from home...
from San Francisco Teacher, 1978
Dear School: Please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
May could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school becuz he has an acre in his back.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Lillian was absent from school because she had a going over.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
My son has been under the doctor's care and should not take fizacal ed. Please
execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the
growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend
with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell of a tree and
misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
Mary Ann was absent Dec. 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache
and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother
had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat
and fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last
night.
Please Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had dia diah dye - the shits.
Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.
Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor.
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
-= education humor =-= 125 =---------------------------------------------------
A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology at
RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation class,
Fall semester 1991.
They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to reload,
I don't know.
If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective.
As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity.
In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual.
The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a
grandparent.
Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before.
If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it.
I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management.
She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human.
We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not a
necessary assumption, but I find it comforting.
There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific.
There are two universes: for males, and for females.
In the U.S., males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such.
Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping.
Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing.
A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living.
There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is
largely irrelevant.
Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?
You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy
heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one.
-= education humor =-= 126 =---------------------------------------------------
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and
opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill.
The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."
A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand,"
he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?"
The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it to
reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"
-= education humor =-= 127 =---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A Georgia school teacher was disciplined because he denied students a moment of
silence. He obviously doesn't realize that kids today need time to think..."Did
I remember to bring ammo...to pick up my free condoms...to drop off the baby at
day care...?"
-= education humor =-= 128 =---------------------------------------------------
Mnemonics To Learn By
Kitty Kingdom
Put Phylum
Catnip Class
on Order
Fido's Family
Ground Genus
Steak Species
King Kingdom
Philip Phylum
Came Class
Over Order
From Family
Green Genus
Scotland Species
Sergeant Superior
Major Michigan
Hates Huron
Eating Erie
Onions Ontario
-= education humor =-= 129 =---------------------------------------------------
Kids' Ideas About Science
From the Boston Globe a few years back:
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams,
and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate
Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from
children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of
energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting
hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When
planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is
really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of
so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and, if you don't, why you
should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes
it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never
been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed
for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions
are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that
is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not
much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop,
it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the
strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
-= education humor =-= 130 =---------------------------------------------------
Strikebound L.A. teachers rejected the school districts latest offer saying it
was copied from a previous offer, contained too many erasures and misspellings,
and was turned in late.
-= education humor =-= 131 =---------------------------------------------------
I was looking through a local paper, the Utah County Journal, when I ran across
an article outlining some of the agreements in a 1923 elementary school
teacher's contract for female teachers teaching in Payson City, Utah (or Payson
hick-town, whichever you prefer :-) ).
1. Teacher is not to get married. This contract becomes null and void if
teacher marries.
2. Teacher is not to keep the company of men.
3. Teacher must be home between the hours of 8 P.M. and 6 A.M. unless in
attendance at a school function.
4. Teacher may not loiter downtown in ice cream parlors.
5. Teacher may not leave town at any time without permission of the Chairman of
the Board of Trustees.
6. Teacher is not to smoke cigarettes or drink wine, beer or whiskey.
7. Teacher may not ride in a carriage with any man except her brother or
father.
8. Teacher is not to dress in bright colors.
9. Teacher may not dye her hair.
10. Teacher will not wear dresses more than two inches above the ankle.
11. Teacher is to wear at least two petticoats.
12. Teacher is to bring a bucket to school to clean and scrub the building every
week.
-= education humor =-= 132 =---------------------------------------------------
Pet Peeves of The World's Youngest College Graduate - 9/7/94
6. College babes always snub him when he asks them out on dates.
5. Stupid parents bought me a skateboard for a graduation present.
4. Roommate's late night parties caused him to miss eight o'clock bedtime.
3. I'm a freakin' college graduate, but they still won't let me on the Space
Mountain ride at DisneyWorld!
2. Having to stand on top of old phone books behind podium in order to make
valedictory address at graduation.
1. People who call him "nerd".
-= education humor =-= 133 =---------------------------------------------------
Fake Fraternities
Alpha Beta Soup
Alpha Do Me
Eta Pizza Pi
Eta Smegma Pi
I Ata Pi
I Phelta Thi
I Tappa Keg
Iota Eta Theta
Komana Wanna Laya (for a Hawaiian fraternity perhaps?)
Kuppa Kappa Chino
Mu Mu Pi
Pi Rho
Psi Phi
Rho Omega Tau (the letters somewhat look like POT)
Sigma Tau Delta (STD)
Signa Phi Nothing
Tappa Kegga Bru
-= education humor =-= 134 =---------------------------------------------------
One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor's office. This
undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly,
bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. Finally, the undergraduate said,
"Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me.
It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing
tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help
session for his students. Why don't you attend that."
-= education humor =-= 135 =---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A young San Jose man has filed a $940,000 claim against the University of Idaho.
He was hurt when he mooned other students and fell out of the window. He claims
that the University was negligent for, among other failings, not warning
students of the risks associated with upper-story dorm windows. Surely, there
must be something in the student handbook about gravity and open windows...right
next to the warning about blow dryers in the bathtub.
-= education humor =-= 136 =---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!
-= education humor =-= 137 =---------------------------------------------------
This is a true story. Happened in my freshman year (1961) at Michigan State
University.
In a huge lecture class (400+ students) of Psych 101, the professor took great
pains each class period to read the text to the class (guess who wrote it). One
young lady took a seat in the front row of the auditorium right in front of the
podium and each day indulged in knitting while the prof read the text, growing
increasingly irritated at the coed who was not taking notes, but instead,
knitting. After about five weeks, the professor leaned over from the stage and
said (not too quietly) to the young lady, "Miss, are you aware that Freud
considered knitting a form of masturbation?"
To which the young lady looked up from her knitting and retorted, "Professor,
you do it your way and I'll do it mine."
-= education humor =-= 138 =---------------------------------------------------
An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly
examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on
their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept
writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to
turn it in.
The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in...
you get a zero for continuing after the bell."
The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!"
The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the
United States...you get a zero on this exam"
The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea
who I am???"
The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."
With that, the guy said "Good!", plunged his exam into the middle of the
stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination
room!
-= education humor =-= 139 =---------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
70% of big city schools now have metal detectors. This is a great idea. Now
they can tell if a student has really been shot or if they're just faking it to
get out of a test.
-= education humor =-= 140 =---------------------------------------------------
The other night, my fellow grad students and I were contemplating the origins
of graduate school...and we think we found the answer. It was the communists.
Think about it, was there any such institution a hundred years ago? Sure, there
were places people could study after they had completed their university
studies, but I believe they were called fellowships and were usually by
invitation.
Until the Revolution. Suddenly, there were all these people who were unable
to plow a straight line, had no hand/eye coordination, and couldn't hit a target
standing next to it, excluding them from farming, industry, and military duties.
So, what to do with these people? Might as well give them more time in school
and make them professionals.
We also figured out that the first school started was psychology. Our
thinking was that the commissars were thinking...hmmm, we could start a program
in physics, so we could figure out how to blow things up, but look at
psychology. They ring a bell and get dogs to drool. Interesting.
Grad school, such as it is, is nothing more than a plot to keep smart people
out of the work force for another two to seven years.
- David Christian, 1st year grad student in experimental psychology
-= education humor =-= 141 =---------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine was taking a low-level "catch up" math class at Indiana
University that was being taught by a foreign professor (Indian, I believe) who
had a tough time with English. One day, they were going over probability and the
professor asked the class the usual questions like, "If you roll a die, what is
the probability that 6 will come up?"
Then he asked, "If you flip a coin, what are the chances you will get head?"
The class sat in stunned silence until a coed in the back said, "Depends on
how much the coin is worth..." Everyone lost it and started howling with
laughter.
The poor professor had no idea how he had misspoken, but recovered nicely by
continuing with, "Here is another example you may find amusing. If a roulette
wheel has..."
-= education humor =-= 142 =---------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press news bulletin:
Clarence Notree, a Chicago gym teacher, reacted to a gunman shooting at his
students by herding the stunned children out a door to safety, but was himself
hit in the hand. After a hearing, the Illinois Industrial Commission awarded
the 19-year veteran $13,447 in Worker's Compensation for his injury. But the
Chicago Board of Education appealed the ruling, saying that saving the
children's lives was not part of a physical education teacher's job. After an
outcry, the Board agreed to approve the claim.
-= education humor =-= 143 =---------------------------------------------------
12 Rules Kids Won't Learn In School
1. Life is not fair. Get used to it.
2. The real world won't care as much about your self esteem as your school
does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about
yourself. This may come as a shock.
3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
6. It is not your parents' fault. If you screw up, YOU are responsible.
7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room, and listening to you
tell them how idealistic you are.
8. Life is not divided into semesters. You won't get summers off.
9. Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a moron.
10. You are not immortal.
11. Your school may be outcome-based. Life isn't.
12. Enjoy this while you can.
-= education humor =-= 144 =---------------------------------------------------
This is a true story from the NEDOD motorcycling list:
A woman reported that one of her professors was talking about the Internet in
class. Seems he had a copy of something called "The Internet Yellow Pages" and
was showing the class examples of what were good and bad on the Net. He went to
the entry for ASB (alt.sex.bondage) and said "Stay away from this one, as you
probably wouldn't want to meet any of these people."
Before she could think about it, her automatic defense mechanisms forced the
woman to blurt out "That's not true. You meet some very intelligent and
interesting people there".
Silence filled the classroom as 25 pairs of eyes stared at her...
I swear this is true (or, at least she claimed it was true!).
-= education humor =-= 145 =---------------------------------------------------
Resume Rejection Reply Form Letter
The following is a great "Dead Letter" received from Gengying Gao (via
NutWorks). This will be particularly useful for those of you that will be
submitting job applications to college departments. With a little creative
editing, we are sure you'll have no problem replying to your resume reject
letters as well...
[your name]
[address]
[phone #]
15 April 1992
Prof. ________
Chairman, Personnel Committee
Department of Computer Science
[rest of address]
Dear Prof. ________:
I have received your letter of 10 April. If the members of the Personnel
Committee were impressed with my credentials, why did they not at least invite
me for an interview, even if someone of my unusual interests and admittedly
limited experience is not precisely the sort of person they had in mind? The
fact is that you are telling a damned lie. I had much rather you had written
back that the Committee had a good laugh over my application, and quoted one
member to the effect that "there's no f---ing way we'd hire a turkey like that."
Lies and hypocrisy disgust me and will put you at risk for eternal damnation.
Furthermore, I resent your attempt to raise false hope in me by suggesting
that additional positions might become available and that therefore I still have
a slight chance of being hired by your adequate but highly-overrated Department.
I am well aware of the financial difficulties of the state government in ___,
and we both know that you are lucky to be hiring anyone at all.
That even one more position should open up is exceedingly unlikely, and that
you would even contemplate hiring me to fill it is ludicrous. Rest assured,
however, that I will refuse any future offers. I do not wish to be associated
with persons of such low moral character and vicious behavior.
Wishing you all a slow and painful death followed by an eternity in Hell, I
remain,
Cordially yours,
[signature in green ink]
Markian M. Gooley
(Ph. D., University of
Illinois at Urbana, a far better
school than any of you scum got a degree from)
-= education humor =-= 146 =---------------------------------------------------
Their Way
(sung to Frank Sinatra's "My Way")
I came, brought all my books, lived in the dorm, followed directions.
I worked, I studied hard, met lots of folk who had connections.
I crammed, they gave me grades, though may I say, not in a fair way.
But more, much more than this, I did it their way.
I memorized all sorts of things, although I know I'll never use them.
The courses that I took were all required; I didn't choose them.
I learned that to survive it's best to act the doctrinaire way.
And so I buckled down, and did it their way.
But there were times, I wondered why I had to walk when I could fy.
I had my doubts, but after all, I clipped my wings, I learned to crawl,
I learned to bend, and in the end, I did it their way.
And so, my fine young friend, now that I am a full professor,
Where once I was oppressed, I've now become the cruel oppressor.
Like me, you'll learn to cope, you'll learn to climb life's golden stairway.
Like me, you'll see the light, you'll do it their way.
For what can I say, what can I do? Open your book, read chapter two.
And if to you, it seems routine, don't speak to me, go see the dean.
As long as they give me my pay, I'll do it...their way!
(Words by Bob Blue, sung by Michael Cooney on Prairie Home Companion, April 18,
1987. Transcribed from broadcast by Tom Welbers.)
-= education humor =-= 147 =---------------------------------------------------
The Grad School Rap
This here's a message to you Mr. Fool
Who decided to go to graduate school
Tryin' to get yourself a higher degree
Is not all, what it's cracked up to be
Listen to me, cause I've collected data
Hear me now and believe me lat'r
I've studied in the north
And I've studied in the south
The conclusions I've drawn,
Leave no room for doubt!
You can come to school but if you're expectin' to stay
You better keep up your GPA.
There's been many who've been weeded out,
That's what the core courses are all about!
You gotta be tough, you gotta be strong
You gotta be smart or you won't last long.
You need Inspiration, Dedication
If you want to make it to your graduation.
You gotta read books all night and day
It's nothing but work, there's no time for play.
Conductin' research to its full potential
The workload o'er time grows _exponential_
Semesters are passin': spring, summer and fall
Instead of makin' progress, you hit a brick wall!
Your plan of work is not lookin' too fine
Expected year of graduation: 2009.
You could be makin' thousands in in-dus-try
Instead of livin' close to po-ver-ty.
Been in grad school, for far too long
And that's the reason for this sad, sad song.
Workin' late at night, and I'm feelin' tired
A few more cups of coffee and I'll be wired.
I got Laplace transforms and Fourier series
Books 'n papers just filled with theories.
Tryin' to do something that hasn't been done
Is like fightin' a battle that can't be won.
Well, I pushed myself, higher and higher
Till it was the time, to take the qualifiers
I walked into the test, it was a scary trip
But I had a weapon strapped to my hip.
It's the calculator and it's a friend of mine
He's got _every_ function: square root to cosine!
It's black and white, no shades of gray
I ain't the MC, I'm called the TA!
Gradin' papers, its an endless chore
The longer I grade, the lower the scores.
They line up at my door during office hours
I feel like a man with such great powers.
They crawl up to me in their distress
And ask me to help 'em, pass their test.
It seems like I'm in such demand,
cause they just don't seem, to understand:
How to integrate
and to transform,
how to calculate the mean
and the norm.
Well, they come to my office to express their grief
But the problem is they're lazy, beyond belief.
Two weeks in the semester, and they're three weeks behind
The situation just, blows my mind.
I say, you're clueless man, there is no doubt
You don't even know what I'm talkin' about.
It's obvious that, you won't pass
But it's not too late, to drop the class.
There's a lot of pain, and sufferin' at hand
But when we get out, we're talkin' 60 grand
Wearing gold chains, and drivin' a Mercedes
We'll be a big hit, with all the ladies
From India to Hong Kong, in every town and street
Thousands will sing praises, and fall at our feet
It's not always sunshine, sometimes it's rain
But at the end of a rainbow, there's somethin' to gain
So my brother when they ask you, why you're here
Just tell 'em this, and do not fear
Disposable income is very cool
And that's the reason we go to Grad School!
-= education humor =-= 148 =---------------------------------------------------
Last term, a history professor received a panicked voice mail message from a
student stating that he would be unable to make the mornings mid-term because
his car was broke down 150 miles away. Unfortunately for the student, the
college's voice mail system identified the call as having been made 10 minutes
ago from the student union.
-= education humor =-= 149 =---------------------------------------------------
This happened in this school (Bradley University):
The voice mail/audix system records time and location where the phone called was
placed from. The student called the professor, telling him he could not make it
to the test becasue his car would not start up. The professor went to the exam
and he told the class, "Please let the student XXXX know that I would really
like to talk to him. I am still trying to figure out how can he manage to drive
all the way up tp his room in the 10th floor." Needless to say, the student was
in trouble and got a '0' in the test.
-= education humor =-= 150 =---------------------------------------------------
I was told this about happening at my college. We'll see how many schools have
had the same story repeated there. 8) In one of the houses in which all the
lacrosse/fortball players live, they have a file of papers for classes so people
don't have to write them; they can just take a paper previously written and
change the name and hand it in. Well, there was one paper for a class which
someone had written and gotten a B on. But on the corner of the front page was
a little drawing of a whale. The next year, a "brother" took the class (we
don't have frats on campus; this is as close as we get) and when he had to do
the paper, he just photocopied the paper and got a B on it as well. Then the
next time the class was offered, another brother took the paper and photocopied
it, but whited out the whale so the prof wouldn't suspect that it was the same
paper, etc. Well, he got a C on it. When he asked the prof why he got a C on
it, when all the other people who copied the paper got a B on it and it was the
same paper, the prof said, "I liked the whale."
-= education humor =-= 151 =---------------------------------------------------
In April of 1994, University of Toronto English professor Eleanor Cook was
awarded grants totaling around $85,000 (U.S.) to spend the next 2 1/2 years
studying "the structure and function" of the riddle. Cook said, "I want to
think about long-term patterns in riddles...and the long-term decisions in our
lives."
-= education humor =-= 152 =---------------------------------------------------
In a forest, a fox bumped into a little rabbit, and said, "Hi Junior, what
are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes." said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
They both go into the rabbit's dwellings and after a while, the rabbit
emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
Along comes a wolf. "Hello, what are you doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbit's devour wolves."
"Are you crazy! Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you."
As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied expression on his face and
with a diploma in his paw.
Finally, the camera pans to the rabbit's cave and as everybody should have
guessed by now, we see a mean looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and
furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: it's not the contents of your thesis that is important, it's your
supervisor that really counts!!
-= education humor =-= 153 =---------------------------------------------------
In June 1994, student and former football player Keary Johns, 23, filed a
lawsuit against political science professor Julian Foster of California State
University, Fullerton. According to Johns, when he asked Foster's permission to
drop his course, which he was failing, Foster gave him the option of an F grade
or six lashes on his bare bottom, and Johns, to save his grade average, took the
spanking, which he now calls inappropriate and humiliating.
-= education humor =-= 154 =---------------------------------------------------
From: co...@physics.utexas.edu (William R. Coker)
Not a joke, but a true story:
It took place in an undergraduate college anthropology or botany class about
35 years ago. There was an extremely attractive girl in this class, blond and
built, who always sat on the front row. Now, in those days in that climate,
college girls wore sweaters and a kind of skirt that was of fairly stiff, heavy
material and came to just above or just below the knee.
Every class day, without exception, this girl would come in and the professor
would begin his lecture, and go along nicely until, always about 20 minutes into
the class, the girl would cross her legs, giving the prof an incredible squirrel
shot, because of the stiffness and shortness of her skirt. I don't think the
girl did it deliberately; she didn't seem very bright. As a gung-ho student I
usually sat right beside or partly across from her, and had an excellent view of
both her and the prof, although I did not have the fine viewing angle the prof
had.
The prof's reaction was always extreme. He would halt in the middle of a
word, completely lose his train of thought, mutter, look at the girl, and look
away over and over, blush, stammer, sweat, mop his brow, etc., until finally she
would uncross her legs and only then would he be able to resume his lecture. The
girl never showed the slightest bit of self-consciousness, or any inkling that
she was responsible for the interruption of the lecture.
Since I have been a college professor myself for these many years and have
lived and lectured through the '60's when it was not unusual for a girl to come
to class wearing ONLY a pair of overalls, I have long since learned to view any
part whatsoever of the female anatomy without turning a hair, as it were.
-= education humor =-= 155 =---------------------------------------------------
At one such lecture, Feynman was characteristically brilliant. But the
unforgettable moment came at the beginning of the lecture. The supernova of 1987
had just been discovered, and Feynman was very excited about it. He said "Tycho
Brahe had his supernova, and Kepler had his. Then there weren't any for 400
years. Now I have mine." The class fell silent, but Feynman continued on.
"There are 10 to the 11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a *huge* number.
But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used
to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
- from an introduction to a book on Feynman's freshman physics lectures
-= education humor =-= 156 =---------------------------------------------------
Amoung the 1994 course offerings at Oregon State University's Food Science and
Technology department is a one-credit class, "The Maraschino Cherry." Among the
lecturers were two retired professors who returned especially to talk on the
history of the maraschino cherry. Course professor Ron Wrolstad remarked, "I
think the students were just awed to have these professors there."
-= education humor =-= 157 =---------------------------------------------------
Overheard on campus:
This course is like a mini-skirt, short enough to keep your attention but long
enough to cover the bare essentials.
-= education humor =-= 158 =---------------------------------------------------
In November 1994, a Oakland, Calif. judge dismissed the 1992 libel lawsuit
filed by More University against its former student, Allan Steele, along with
Steele's counterclaim of fraud. Steele had become disillusioned after allegedly
paying more than $200,000 in tuition for a "Ph.D. in Sensuality" and had termed
the school merely a cult that featured prostitution and drug use.
More's lawyers told the court that Steele was happy enough with the school
when it awarded him a certificate for his ability to achieve a "Victor-accepted
orgasm" and when he was performing sexual techniques for the campus station
KLIT-TV.
-= education humor =-= 159 =---------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press bulletin: Amanda Howard, working as a teacher's aide
in Little Rock, Ark., had several of her fifth grade students take care of
another student who was disrupting the class: "Everybody kick his butt," Howard
told the students, according to testimony in the case. As many as 10 pupils beat
on Eugene Pitts, 11, enough that he needed hospital treatment. Convicted of
assault, she has been sentenced to 90 days in jail.
-= education humor =-= 160 =---------------------------------------------------
One of the guys I knew in undergrad school had to do a large thesis type of
paper as a final requirement for his history major. He wanted to see if the
professor who would give the final pass/fail on his graduation actually read the
entire thing diligently, so he placed the following sentence in a random spot
somewhere midway in the paper:
"If you read this sentence, I will buy you a steak dinner."
The prof never did collect!
********************************************************************************
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Too Live Krewe
.ce
F O O D A N D W A I T E R H U M O R
.po 0
.in 0i
.nf
.pl 12i
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Canonical List Of Food And Waiter Humor (A Fly In My Soup)
Archive-Name: food <plain text version>
food.html <HTML Web version>
Last-Modified: 95/02/07
Version: 3.00
Total-Joke-Count: 199
Send additions, corrections, comments to hj...@nor.chevron.com E-mail
contributors get the next new issue e-mailed back to them with credits to their
entry noted. If posting additions to this list, do not include the entire list
again in your post.
Send all flames to prunes@/dev/null :-) Friendly chitchat will be replied to
Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version:
wwr...@hpscit.sc.hp.com (Wes Wright)
CONTENTS
FOOD HUMOR
WAITER/WAITRESS HUMOR
================================================================================
== FOOD HUMOR ==================================================================
-= food humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------
Banana Nut Loaf Recipe
2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 large banana
2 whole nuts
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs, and slowly squeeze and massage
milk containers until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle
finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts
and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure
to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
Warning: If bread rises, leave town!
-= food humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------
Chicken Delight Recipe
1 Tender young chicken
2 legs
2 breasts
1 banana
2 nuts
1 cherry
Take tender young chick into your arms. Fill hands with breasts and knead
gently. Take legs and spread apart. Drop in banana and stir until hot.
Increase motion until cherry pops, banana creams, and nuts crack. Let cool.
-= food humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------
Here's my favorite recipe for fruit cake.
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two
cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer,
beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and
beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can
find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off
the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to
bed.
-= food humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------
Best Ever Rum Cake
1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter
2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts
Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be smooth and not
at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed.
Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be
sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it
as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1
seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still okay right. Try another cup. Open second
bottle ifffxx, if necessary.
Add 2 arg leggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit gets stuck
in beeters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift
1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a
bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check rum once more and zen bo to ged.
-= food humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------
How To Make Spam
Hi kids! I'm Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the US, and
today I'm going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (tm), one
that's so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But watch out,
I can't guarantee they'll still be friends after they've tried it. (Note: I had
to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights groups from suing me.)
Ingredients:
One cow (a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever to
live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an ingredient in
suspect cuisine)
One pig (with a similar outlook on life to the cow)
A ten kilo slice of whale blubber
A large pot of moisturiser
A can of petrol
Utensils:
A cement mixer
A clothes peg
Two hand guns
Directions:
Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale blubber. Feed
the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half. Pigs will eat anything,
but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.
If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove it all in
quickly. Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one.
Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last wills and
testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.
After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful
silence, carve the animals up into three piles. Pile A for the bones, brains
and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts.
Throw Pile C away, you won't need it. Keep Pile B for when you next visit
Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double
Cheesburgers. Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on. After an hour,
it should start to resemble Spam. Taste it, and you'll tell by that feeling of
faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam. But it is not yet spreadable! So Add
the moisturiser until it is.
And there you have it!
-= food humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------
This Is What Happens When A Fly Lands On Your Food
Flies can't eat solid food, so to soften it up, they vomit on it. Then they
stamp the vomit in until it's a liquid, usually stamping in a few grams for good
measure. Then when its good and runny, they suck it all back again, probably
dropping some excrement at the same time. And then...when they've finished
eating, ...it's your turn.
(Prize winning poster, Health Education Council)
-= food humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------
The other day, I dropped a piece of bread and it fell butter side up. I was
convinced that I'd buttered the wrong side of the bread.
-= food humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Gastronomical Bean Story
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always had
a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a
girl and fell in love. When it was apparent to him that they would marry, he
thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl that she would never go
for this kind of carrying on."
Thus, he realized she might be embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to
baked beans. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked
beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk home. On the way, he passed a small cafe and decided to
call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to
go, and decided that he could walk off any side effects before reaching home.
But before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even
as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. All the way home he putt-
putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his
last. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and
was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to
release one last noxious output, his wife threw open the door. She seemed
somewhat excited to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and then led him to his
chair at the head of the table.
He seated himself, and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned,
then went to answer the phone. When she had gone for the phone, he seized the
opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg, and loudly broke wind. It was not
only sonorous, but also ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap
and vigorously fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on him,
so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true
prize winner; it sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging.
While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for
ten minutes letting out powerful bursts that rattled the windows and shook the
dishes on the table until he knew the phone farewells from his wife indicated
the end of his freedom.
He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and
smiling contentedly to himself, he was the very picture of innocence when his
wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and
he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the
blindfold, and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for a Happy Birthday party for him.
-= food humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------
An interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite Recipes From Our Best Cooks",
which is a collection of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota. This
recipe was submitted by a youth minister.
Bachelor Salad
1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
(any kind, not Roquefort)
Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing intact on head of lettuce, eat
over sink; no cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!
-= food humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------
Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself in need of MORE
POWER?
Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors, but can't throw?
NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!
In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee a 100% refund!
The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty! Instead of chopping
vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots it a minimum of 20 yards, on
the lowest power setting no less!
Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies by psychologists
have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So the SS 1000x is made just
for you!
Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few tomatoes, and repaint his
house.
Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!
The possibilities are endless!
Send $19.95 to:
Jason Ferguson Industries
Hubbell Hall rm 321
Commerce, TX 75428-2805
Warning: We do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send us money!
Then we decide!
-= food humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
He's a real fun guy [fungi].
-= food humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby
tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby
tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
-= food humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U. S. (acres): 75
-= food humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------
From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:
Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential enemy
cannot guess what you're about to do.
Pizza Intelligence: An Update
Earlier this year, we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict when
the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the
increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders
increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and
the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early hours
of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter" registered 102
deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House
ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two orders,
and they were quickly cancelled.
-= food humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------
Domino's Pizza has also previously reported that pizza sales surge whenever the
televison series "Melrose Place" is showing.
-= food humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------
I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live in
Hayward. I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of pizza we
wanted. We decided to get a half of one kind and half another.
"Give us a large vegetarian pizza, but put pepperoni on half."
The guy behind the counter VERY straight-faced and quite seriously asked,
"Which half would you like the pepperoni on?"
Without missing a beat, I said, "The right half!"
He wrote "Pepperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it to the guy
who makes the pizzas. That guy smiled a bit and proceeded to make us our pizza.
About 20 minutes later, they called my name. When I went to pick up the
pizza, I noticed that it was sitting so that the pepperoni was to my right, but
the counter person's left. I could not resist. I said, "Hey, I wanted the
pepperoni on the right side not the left side!"
This taught me not to be such a smart ass in the future. The clerk, looking
worried, grabbed the pizza, and tossed it into the trash saying, "Damn, I'm
sorry, they must have made a mistake. We will make you another one right now!"
20 minutes later, I kept quiet and ate the pizza! My friend and I did laugh
about it for quite some time. Especially when the clerk gave us each a free
beer and said he was sorry for the mistake and sorry we had to wait!
<sigh>
-= food humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------------
Pizza originated in China, not Italy.
-= food humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Harpers Index:
Sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in North America: $450 million
Sales of actual California raisins during the same period: $400 million
-= food humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a restaurant:
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.
-= food humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------------
First, take your hedgehog and tell it to stop breathing. When it has expired,
take it back and get new one. Better still, get two this time. Take the first
one and cut its head off. Then cut off the forelegs and the hind legs. Then
chop it up slowly and throw it in the fire because you don't need this one; it
was just a warning to the other that he'd better cooperate. Test the other
hedgehog to see if he's fresh. To do this, hold it and twist it firmly. If the
hedgehog makes a lot of noise, it's fresh. Then stand it on its nose and throw
bananas at it. Take the hedgehog and put it on one side and then on the other
side. Procure the rest of the ingredients. Borrow three eggs and steal a jar
of cream, two thirds of a pound of butter and a tin of beef. Now, beat the eggs,
whip the cream, strangle the butter. Now, bully the beef. Pump the mixture into
the hedgehog, bake in a warm oven for 10 minutes. Then get out of the oven, put
the hedgehog in. Baste, grind, grate, squeeze it, knead it firmly, tread on it,
kick it, pull its teeth out, smash its face in, tear its...
-= food humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------------
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
-= food humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------------
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew
her stack.
-= food humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------------
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring
curry.
-= food humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------------
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley
of the Dills.
-= food humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------------
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
-= food humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Jack In The Box is coming out with a new drink?
It's called E. cola
-= food humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------------
Found posted on a door in the Georgetown physiology department.
Did you know?
Every time a loaf of bread is baked, approximately 150,000,000 yeasts are killed
Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
Sponsored By
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the Elevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
-= food humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------------
Caption once seen printed on the front of an apron:
I know about Stressed...
It's Desserts spelled backwards!!!
-= food humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------------
Eat a prune and start a movement.
-= food humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------------
A Jew and an Italian were arguing over which one could make a dime go
further. So they decided to get together later in the week and compare.
So when the did, the Jew goes first. He says: "I took my dime and bought a
cigarette. The first day, I smoked half and saved the ashes. The second day, I
smoked the other half and saved the ashes. The third day, I ate the butt and
fertilized my plant with the ashes I saved.
The Italian replies: "That's nothing! I took my dime and bought a sausage.
The first day, I scooped out half and ate it. The second day, I scooped out the
other half and ate it. The third day, I took a shit in the empty casing, took
it back to the store and said 'This sausage smells like shit' and got my dime
back!"
-= food humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------------
There was an old guy who lived a few houses away who managed to keep a super
clean lawn, despite the fact that everybody in the neighborhood had dogs on the
loose. I couldn't figure out how he managed this until early one morning I saw
him out on the lawn with a little bottle, putting a few drops of its contents on
the dog shit put there the night before.
So I walk up to him and ask him how the bottled stuff, whatever it was, made
the shit disappear.
He responded, "Bacon grease."
-= food humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Non-Stress Diet
From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)
This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat
more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk
Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes
calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong
enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and
spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on
a spoon.
Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach
and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.
-= food humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------------
Yang's Roadkill Cafe
"You Kill It, We Grill It"
** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99
( with cheese, add .50 )
** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49
( includes soup and salad )
** Flat Cat **
served as a single or in a stack
Single Flat Cat ..................... $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat ..................... $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack ...................... $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).. $ 9.00
A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide
** Chunk Of Skunk **
Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49
( Basted in Tomato Sauce )
** Smidgen Of Pigeon **
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49
( includes salad & French bread )
** Road Toad Ala Mode **
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99
(ice cream flavors chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry)
** Shake N' Bake Snake **
Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99
( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 )
** Swirl Of Squirrel **
You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49
( includes salad & peanut brittle desert )
** Whippoorwill On A Grill **
This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79
( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad )
** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **
Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99
( includes turtle soup & dumplings )
Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!
** Canine Cuisine **
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.
Slab of Lab ......................... $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie .................... $ .99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....... $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) . $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville) $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle .......................... $ 2.79
German Shepard Pie (with sauerkraut). $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog (too Baaaad) ..... $ 3.29
** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49
( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra )
Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark
** Rack Of Raccoon **
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99
( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug )
** Awesome Possum **
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99
( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! )
** Smear Of Deer **
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99
( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy)
** Texas Speed Bump **
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69
( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad )
Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers
** Guess That Mess! **
A daily special treat - if you can guess it,
you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99
** Bag N' Gag **
our daily take-out lunch special
Anything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49
-= food humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------------
Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but
rather the chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere love a
pale approximation of bittersweet euphoria.
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
proper time for chocolate.
Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean
evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it
has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when
combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and
consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be
made in favor of dirt.
- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion" (a must-read for all
chocolate lovers!)
-= food humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to visit his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out she's napping
so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and
munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly
finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your
peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate
off, I don't care for them anyway."
-= food humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------------
Listen, then: let any man who shall have drunk too deeply of the cup of
pleasure, or given to work too many of the hours which should belong to sleep;
who shall find the accustomed polish of his wit turned to dullness, or be
tortured by a fixed idea which robs him of all liberty of thought; let all such,
we say, administer to themselves a good pint of ambered chocolate . . . and they
will see marvels. - Brillat-Savarin
-= food humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------------
Kids on Chocolate
This originally appeared in Vol.1, #4 issue of Chocolatier magazine (fall 1984).
By Missouri schoolteacher Matt Harper...
During the 29 years I've been a school teacher, I've found that they can come
up with some unique ideas. Each year we study a unit on chocolate and my
students' comments on essays and exam questions have been hilarious...
"Chocolate gets blamed for many things people can't stop eating."
"Correct my being wrung [sic] but tell me true or false. Has anyone else
ever eaten chocolate in a cantalope [sic] or am I the original inventor?"
Evidently impressed with the ever-changing state of the world, one boy
reported: "Hershey Pencilvania [sic] is located in the United States at the
present time." He happens to be the same student who remarked: "The history of
chocolate was first the Aztecs, then Columbus, then on to now."
History may repeat itself, but grade school children often add some
unexpected twists to it. Here are some unusual historical facts:
"Columbus took some chocolate beans to Europe in 1502. Then he did something
he'd never done before. He died."
"James Baker started making drinking chocolate in the pre-me times."
"James Baker is a famous man who lives in chocolate history."
One girl confided: "People have enjoyed eating chocolate forever and maybe
even longer..."
[Kids are] not like adults who can reach into their lifetime stockpile of
expressions. Take these complimentary remarks, for instance:
"I have loved chocolate for as long as I can think to remember."
"Chocolate gives me joy feels all over."
"Everything would not be worth anything without chocolate."
"When I learned Mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies, I told my feet
to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday to listen."
One tyke was going great until the last word: "Chocolate drinks feel good if
your throat has orangitis." Another student had many tussles with his spelling
book. Recently, when he finished writing a sentence, the battleground looked
like this: "I like to drink hot chockel {crossed out} choka {crossed out} chalka
{crossed out} coco."
The elementary school child's mind is evidently a vast storehouse of
miscellaneous information, half true, half false and wholly beguiling. This
seems to be especially true when they relate their personal experiences:
"My brother teased me that I was interested to read about trees and beans and
other things that cause chocolate to happen."
"Hot chocolate has such velvety fingers."
A girl named Linda wrote, with the aid of a bright purple Crayola: "I have
decided chocolate is my ninth favorite thing in the universe."
Next, some definitions of chocolate. If any of them cause Webster to turn
over in his grave, he would have to do so with a smile:
"Chocolate is brown, creamy YUMS!"
"Chocolate is a many-purposed word for many dessert types."
There is usually at least an element of truth in the most absurd answer.
Sometimes they aren't wrong; it's just the way they express their thoughts that
makes their teacher smile:
"You should always capitalize the word chocolate unless it is not the first
word in a sentence."
"When hot chocolate is poured out it makes the quietest noise I have ever
heard."
"Chocolate is really cocoa. But me and a lot of other people still catch
ourselves calling it chocolate."
Once I mentioned that today, at least 2/3 of the world's cocoa supply comes
from the African cocoa belt. Some comments on the subject:
"The cocoa belt could just as well be called something else if we could only
think of a better name for it."
"BOO. I did not mean to scare you so bad but that is how I feel every time I
think of the people who have to go out in the wild jungle to get chocolate."
"I looked up twice where they grow cacao trees, but I forgot it three times."
If the realization that they don't know everything is the first step to
learning, these students are well on the road to knowledge:
"They make chocolate with milk in Switzerland. Maybe they make chocolate
without milk, too. I do not know. It takes all my knowing to know they make
chocolate with milk in Switzerland."
"How they can take cacao pods and make doormats out of them is something only
encyclopedias know for sure."
"Quite a bit of the world's supply of chocolate goes into making cacao
trees."
"Cacao trees are interesting if you happen to be interested in them."
"It takes eight years to grow chocolate on those big tall trees. But it
takes only a little nick of time to eat it."
Just how tall do cacao trees grow? "Cacao trees can grow 40 feet high.
That's g-r-r-e-e-a-a-t BIG! Even over ten times bigger than that."
"Cacao trees are larger than the largest known whale."
"When I learned how big chocolate trees grow, I would have fainted if I knew
how."
Oliver Wendell Holmes once observed: "Pretty much all the truth telling in
the world is done by children." These next thoughts proved to be unexpected,
unconventional, and undeniably sincere:
"Chocolate has an evergreen mother and a cocoa father."
"People who eat chocolate are very interested folks. All their ways are happy
ways and excited ways."
"Oughtn't Congress to pass a law giving poor people free chocolate? Are they
thinking about it? If not I make a motion."
"Misfortunately, choklet [sic] does not agree with itself spellingly and
pronouncingly."
No one likes to look into the future more eagerly than children do. Two tiny
forecasters had these predictions:
"Chocolate will still be the most popular taste of all 100 years from now.
Just wait and see."
Will we ever get to the point where people eat even more chocolate? The
chances are 999 out of a hundred."
A couple of years ago, one moppet had a whimsical way of expressing her
thoughts. Here's how she summed up her feelings: "From now on, I will put both
gladness and wonder in my same thought about chocolate."
Me too.
-= food humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------------
With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
-= food humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------------
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
-= food humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------------
From a 1984 issue of Forbes magazine:
You can't say that Americans don't have their priorities straight. Last year,
they spent $4 billion on chocolate, which is a bit more than the amount spent on
personal computer hardware and software put together.
-= food humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------------------------
From a "Newsweek" magazine:
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of
Social Services
-= food humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------------------------
Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:
A gelatin mold made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One
would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but
believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop
into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably
horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely
swallowed. Great fun!
-= food humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------------------------
In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged fifty-two, was
sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000 worth of food.
-= food humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------------------------
Gum does not digest. When gum is set on fire, the sugar burns out and turns to
wax. Wrigleys Chewing Gum is the only gum that does not contain wax; it contains
pine sap.
-= food humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the most common speech impediment?
Chewing gum.
-= food humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------------------------
To keep up with a demand in information, Gene DeFoliart, of the University of
Wisconsin has been publishing "The Food Insects Newsletter" since 1988.
"Collecting insects as food for humans is the ultimate form of biological pest
control," says DeFoliart. Some featured recipes have been Beetle Bars, Honey
Bee Souffle, Insect Quiche and Cricket-on-the-Hearth Bread. One reader responded
that she thought grasshoppers tasted "creamy and midly sweet, although DeFoliart
says to avoid the brightly colored ones.
-= food humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------------------------
China Says Ants Can Spice Up A Maggot Diet
Beijing (Reuter, 1/26) - China's official Xinhua news agency, which announced
this week that maggot extract is a good source of nutrition, urged people
Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set of recipes cooked up by a
professor.
Wu Zhicheng, "an expert on ant diet" based in the central city of Nanjing,
has worked out dozens of recipes for ant-based cakes, teas and wines in an
effort to promote ant eating, it said.
"Ants are a miniature nutritious treasury," Xinhua quoted Wu as saying,
adding that ants contained more zinc than either soybeans or pig liver.
Xinhua said Chinese have been eating ants for more than 3,000 years and "the
longevity of many old people who are now over 100 years old has been found to be
connected with an ant diet."
The edible ant suggestion follows Xinhua's report Saturday that announced a
scientific team had worked out a way to develop maggots as a "huge new source
of nourishment for the 1990s."
"Maggot products are surprisingly appealing," Xinhua said.
-= food humor =-= 48 =--------------------------------------------------------
A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in
Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer,
eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He
said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99
pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
-= food humor =-= 49 =--------------------------------------------------------
Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter. Just try to keep your willpower
dominant over your won't power.
-= food humor =-= 50 =--------------------------------------------------------
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-
mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can
purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular
sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by
economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing
power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an
instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products
used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every
country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he
exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely
obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the
institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one
sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty
capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW
said.
-= food humor =-= 51 =--------------------------------------------------------
Item from the book "Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise? And Other Imponderables" by
David Feldman: Are There More Brown M&Ms Than Any Other Color, and How Do They
Determine the Ratio of Colors?
M&M/Mars conducts research to answer precisely these types of questions.
Consumers have shown a consistent preference for brown M&Ms, so they
predominate. Few people realize (or care!) that the mix of colors in plain M&Ms
is different from the peanut version:
Color % in Plain M&Ms % in Peanut M&Ms
Brown 30 30
Yellow 20 20
Red 20 20
Orange 10 10
Green 10 20
Tan 10 0
-= food humor =-= 52 =--------------------------------------------------------
Americans eat enough peanut butter each year to cover the floor of the Grand
Canyon.
-= food humor =-= 53 =--------------------------------------------------------
Ice cream cures all ills. Temporarily. - Seleznick
-= food humor =-= 54 =--------------------------------------------------------
Credit goes to Donald E. Westlake, from "Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?"
A rare delicacy is sauteed Sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe of the
great Australian three-toed sloth - the only edible part of that large, furry,
indolent creature - the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal, and
sautees it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and just a
touch of Tabassco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course,
not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false
impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've
eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sauteed, A La Dortmunder, a fact
ill-appreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth!!!
-= food humor =-= 55 =--------------------------------------------------------
In yesterday's New York Times, it was reported that China's leading distance
runner (she set a new 10,000 m record last year) trains on a diet of "worms, an
elixir extracted from caterpillar fungus and soup from the blood of soft-shell
turtle."
-= food humor =-= 56 =--------------------------------------------------------
There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says "Now
Serving Food". It makes me wonder what they used to serve.
-= food humor =-= 57 =--------------------------------------------------------
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
-= food humor =-= 58 =--------------------------------------------------------
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish
they didn't have to.
-= food humor =-= 59 =--------------------------------------------------------
In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say you are
"going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their frugality. The Dutch,
on the other hand, call the same arrangement "op z'n Amerikaans" (going
American) because the Americans are known for their egalitarian nature!
In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey. In
Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan", which is
Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on the Hindi name of a
turkey?)
French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call them
"pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".
In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankfurters. In
Frankfurt, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.
Furthermore, when Japanese add spices and put it on a stick, they call it
American Dog. When Americans add spices and put it on a stick, they call it
French Dog. When French add spices and put it on a stick, they call it Corn
Dog.
-= food humor =-= 60 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the book: What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in Everyday Life,
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95
Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National
Economic Research Association. Jerome Staller is president of the Center
for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia.
Chapter 9 is "Fat Chance; Food, Diet, Weight."
In which country of the world do you run the highest risk of obesity? The
United States.
Are the rich or the poor more likely to be overweight? The poor.
Will the use of artificial sweeteners help you to lose weight? Statistics
show that those using artificial sweeteners are more likely to gain weight than
nonusers.
-= food humor =-= 61 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between broccoli (or brussel sprouts) and a booger?
You can MAKE a kid eat a booger.
-= food humor =-= 62 =--------------------------------------------------------
Aspertame was dicovered by accident.
-= food humor =-= 63 =--------------------------------------------------------
Penicillin is a bread mold. When you eat cheese, you are eating milk mold.
-= food humor =-= 64 =--------------------------------------------------------
Lick That Plate Clean - And Then Eat It (Reuters)
Taipei
A company in the Republic of China on Taiwan has invented what it claims is
the world's first range of edible tableware.
"Our bowls and plates are made of oatmeal and can be eaten or thrown away
after use. Unlike plastic foam, they won't cause any pollution because birds
and dogs can eat them," Lin Wan-jung, spokesman for Taiwan Sugu C., said
yesterday.
"The surface is glossy just like china... They're the first of their kind in
the world," he said.
Production will start next week and is initially set at 20,000 bowls and
plates a day, Lin said, adding that he expects the inventions to be popular in
environmentally conscious markets such as the United States, Japan, and Europe.
Edible bowls start to leak three to four hours after coming in contact with
boiling water, he said. They will sell for 19 cents each.
-= food humor =-= 65 =--------------------------------------------------------
Still Hungry? Eat The Plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal
can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had
perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to
mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food
containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at
about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn -
can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The
only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
-= food humor =-= 66 =--------------------------------------------------------
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
-= food humor =-= 67 =--------------------------------------------------------
Biology Of Snack Cakes
Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
21 Feb. 1986
I. Introduction
As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet
(Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes.
Although volumes of boring material have been written about the former two
subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So
I made some up.
II. Evolution And Classification
Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on
the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that
old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric
mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium
citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake"
spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize
around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as
"creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and
diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common
Twinkie ("Hostus* hostilus"), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q"
("Hostus satanis"). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the "Hostus
hostum" (Ho-Ho) and the "Hostus zippum" (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible
outer shells, or exofrostings.
There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some
have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie."
However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way
of saying that I'm getting tired of typing.
III. Biochemistry
What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior
of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell
tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know?
IV. Feeding
The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a
food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf.
Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The
Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the
victim with its potent creme filling.
V. Reproduction
"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think
I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to
(especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been
observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being
sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending
machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.
VI. Sources
1. Daniken, Erich von, "Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid
Gods" 1969.
2. Ibid, William, "Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography" 1947.
3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats
Her" 1 Mar 1986 "National Devourer".
4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life,
Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 "Midnite Globule".
* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food Substitute
Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used without
permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me and cut
out my lungs with a hacksaw.
[This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair (tm) project at an
SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of coathangers. It
included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and dissection photos (yuck!)
of other species.
-= food humor =-= 68 =--------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a bakery delivery truck:
Cakes 66 cents
Upsidedown cakes 99 cents.
-= food humor =-= 69 =--------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Pepper was made of Prune Juice and was never a cough syrup.
-= food humor =-= 70 =--------------------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola slogans over the years:
1905 - "Coca-Cola revives and sustains"
1906 - "The great national temperance beverage"
1915 - "Pause in the mad rush and seek a soda fountain"
1948 - "Where there's Coke there's hospitality"
-= food humor =-= 71 =--------------------------------------------------------
What do monsters eat?
Things.
What do monsters drink?
Coke
Why?
Because things go better with Coke.
-= food humor =-= 72 =--------------------------------------------------------
Foods taste blander in airplanes in part because cabin pressure dampens the
dispersion of aromas.
-= food humor =-= 73 =--------------------------------------------------------
There's more lemon in Lemon Pledge furniture polish then in Country Time
Lemonade.
-= food humor =-= 74 =--------------------------------------------------------
Twinkies
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual
physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the
following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a
half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's
surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential
source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the
Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds,
the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial
butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when
thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie
was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling.
When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying
gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the
Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained
structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of
acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the
freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did
not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed
in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated
momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its
lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2
hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan
- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie
bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as
"food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions
can be drawn.
Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989
-= food humor =-= 75 =--------------------------------------------------------
Thin People Don't
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But
eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The
Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no
matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He
thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that
thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
prefer "The Joy of Sex" to "The Joy of Cooking";
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make
interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a
special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped
cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never
quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly
beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
-= food humor =-= 76 =--------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given
a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are
the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any
refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Maevis," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that damn oat bran,
wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
-= food humor =-= 77 =--------------------------------------------------------
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
-= food humor =-= 78 =--------------------------------------------------------
A fat man in Selma, Ala., got a plastic bag containing 45 rocks of crack cocaine
through a strip-search by hiding it "between folds of his abdominal skin." So
now we have an answer to that age-old question of how do you know when you are
too fat.
-= food humor =-= 79 =--------------------------------------------------------
Easy Way To Kill Insects In Soil And Grow Better Vegetables
(from a rec.gardens posting)
If you are troubled by soil-borne pests, I've discovered an easy way to get
rid of them.
First, clear all the plants you have from the soil by using a blow torch. If
you don't have a blow torch, you can pour gasoline onto your soil, very lightly,
and set fire to it. When you are through burning off all the plants, take a few
gallons of diesel oil and pour it on the soil until the soil is completely
covered. Pour several gallons of Malathion on the same soil. Then, cover your
soil with a thick dusting of Sevin and Rotenone. Get a sprayer and spray the
area with Thompson's Water Seal. Take a match and set fire to the mixture on
the soil. When the fire burns out, pour Ortho insect dust on the ground until
it is 5 inches thick. When you are finished, rototill this mixture into the
soil thoroughly.
When you are done rototilling, pour another liberal application of gasoline
onto the soil and set fire to it again. This will kill any weed seeds loosened
by the rototilling.
When the fire burns out, hose the soil with more Malathion until it is about
three inches of standing liquid. Let it seep into the ground overnight. In the
morning, add another liberal dose of gasoline to the soil and set fire to it
again. When the fire is out, pour cannisters of ladybugs, trichgramma wasps,
and praying mantis egg cases onto the soil.
When you are finished, feel free to plant your organic fruits, vegetables,
and ornamentals. They should do well in your now pest-free garden.
-= food humor =-= 80 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an article in Physics Today by Gary Taubs:
Onward To The Dessertron
The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a colossal
doughnut-shaped accelerator so immense that all the jelly and cream in the world
could not fill it. Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will create twin beams of ice
cream, one vanilla and one chocolate, and will smash them together at energies
of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one thousand times more powerful than any
ice cream smasher ever made. Because matter and energy are equivalent in
desserts, eternally linked by Einstein's famous equation:
(extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared
when these beams collide, they will do more than make soft yogurt. Theorists
believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will be elementary
flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening than any known now.
"Every time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says high-calorie
fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel Prize for proving
that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies, strawberry rhubarb and
French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like flavor) "we
have discovered something new. At one sprinkle, we discovered the banana. At
one thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds and milkshakes were
simply different variations of ice cream and milk. At a million, we discovered
fudge and made brownies, and were content. The next big step was another factor
of 1000, and quantum crust theories were invented as well as the Little Jack
Hoerner uncertainty principle. It's clear that what we need to do is study
desserts at several trillion sprinkles."
In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug
Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for the next
two decades should be the ice cream accelerator officially named the
Superconducting Super Osterizer (SSO). The mammoth blender, as they have
proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several different
speeds from puree all the way through whip. It would take twelve years to build
and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice, and make moist
icing. Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find are the
rasberry quark, the Higgs Sundae (which may be responsible for defining the
caloric content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous symmetry
breakfasting); those desserts predicted by the theory techniflavor, which
postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a fundamental dessert but is actually a
bound state of more elementary desserts; and the particles of sugarsymmetry,
which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and banino cream pies and
several different flavors of antipastries.
Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum in
science. Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and Sealtest have
already put in bids for the machine and many more are expected. The state of
Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will pay for the
tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice cream down to a
few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial preservatives. When
the SSO is finished, it will assure the U.S. pre-eminence in desserts well into
the 21st century, and says Carob Rumraisin, the famous Italian fizzacist and
discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie cannoli, "Once this
machine is built, American scientists will finally get their just desserts."
-= food humor =-= 81 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the 'The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")'
Issue Number 1994-03, July 1994, ISSN 1076-500X
1994-03-04 Additional, Unreported Dangers from Mexican food
by Steve Mirsky
New York City
The recent report from CSIPI [1] on the high fat and salt content of Mexican
food, though long overdue, still neglects to implicate the myriad other health
dangers consumers face when dining in Mexican restaurants.
The plates upon which Mexican food is traditionally served can be very, very
hot, indeed approaching the "yip yip woo hatcha" stage. Contact between said
plates and human skin can result in tissue damage followed by vigorous hand
waving and blowing that in turn can cause hyperventilation.
A little-discussed danger of Mexican dining is the finite probability of
encounters with roving Mariachia bands. A condition known as Castanet Culjone,
though rare, is particularly painful and debilitating. In addition, the small
mobile orchestras are exceptionally annoying, which can lower the immune
response.
Finally, there is the much observed but little discussed "twice-burned"
phenomenon, consistent with the relative indigestibility of certain key
ingredients of Mexican food that register particularly high on the Scoville
Organoleptic Test (the official scale of hotness)[2]. At least one Navy test
has shown that window cleaning fluid, especially if it contains ammonia, can be
an effective topical neutralizing solution for SOEYYWH (Sudden Onset Egress Yip
Yip Woo Hatcha)[3].
REFERENCES
1. The Center for Science in the Public Interest
2. "Peppers," by Amal Naj, Vintage Books, 1992, p. 25.
3. Personal communication to the author. A Naval Academy graduate reports that
his roommate at Annapolis used to spray his (the roommate's own) anal region
with Windex after a spicy meal.
-= food humor =-= 82 =--------------------------------------------------------
Following are a few amusing facts concerning food and nutrition, taken from my
local paper:
Licking a regular size, multicolor stamp delivers .007 calories. A larger
commemorative, such as *Elvis*, has .014 calories.
Researchers at Harvard University, spurred by an urban myth, tested the
effectiveness of Coca-Cola as a spermicide. The result: Diet Coke worked a
little, but not well enough to qualify as a new form of birth control.
Survey: 14% of those responding make milk part of their sex lives.
And finally: Derrick Johnson of Newport Beach, Calif., was fired from his stock
clerk job in a supermarket because he talked to USA Today about his membership
in the Poultry Bowling Association. Johnson and fellow clerks on the night
shift used frozen turkeys to bowl over "pins" - 2 liter soft drink bottles.
-= food humor =-= 83 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an AP newswire 23 August 1994
Larry Clifford has won the 2nd Annual Mosquito Cookoff at Crowley's Ridge State
Park, Arkansas, where they celebrate mosquitoes after park officials received
complaints of people been bitten in other late-summer festivals.
Here's the prizewinning recipe:
Lightly crush mosquitos to prevent them from flying off. Pour into mixture of
brown sugar and syrup and boil. (This seasons them and kills 16 disease-carrying
bacteria.) Finally, pour the mixture onto cookie sheets, dry, and cut into
small chips to add to regular cookie mix.
"It tasted good! You couldn't taste the mosquitoes at all," said Randy Cross of
Walcott, Arkansas. Runner-up recipes include mosquito supreme pizza, mosquito
meat pie, and baked chili con 'skeeter.
-= food humor =-= 84 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column in the February 1993 issue of Consumer Reports
magazine:)
An Idaho reader sent us this Fred Meyer recipe from the back of a box of Fred
Meyer Crisp Crunch ceral, a product of Oregon-based Fred Meyer Inc. We think
we've spotted an opening for Fred in the baking-powder business.
Crispy Raisin Cookies
1/2 cup Fred Meyer vegetable shortening
1/2 cup packed Fred Meyer brown sugar
1 Fred Meyer egg
1 teaspoon Fred Meyer vanilla extract
1 cup Fred Meyer all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon Fred Meyer cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon Fred Meyer salt
2-1/2 cups Fred Meyer Crisp Crunch cereal
2/3 cup Fred Meyer raisins
-= food humor =-= 85 =--------------------------------------------------------
In August of 1993, the Economic Evening News of Taiyuan, China, reported that a
woman in her thirties, unidentified in the story, had eaten more than 800 rubber
nipples from baby bottles in the last three years. A province health official
said all family members apparently liked the smell of rubber.
-= food humor =-= 86 =--------------------------------------------------------
The electric pickle is an experiment that was a tremendous success in ...
freshman electronics class. You go to a deli, see, and get a big kosher dill
pickle, seven or eight inches long. The you cut the cord of an old electric
appliance and strip the ends to expose two or three inches of split wire.
(Unplug it first.) Get two two- or three-inch nails, wrap one strand of wire
around each nail, and stick the nails into the pickle. Then plug in the cord.
"After about ten seconds," Franklin explains, "the pickle wqill light up,
glowing and crackling. It's really quite bright." ... "You can try it at
home," says Franklin, "but don't touch the pickle." - "Discover" magazine, May
1994 pg 44.
-= food humor =-= 87 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Reuters News Service:
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle
Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms.
They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find
their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed
Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
-= food humor =-= 88 =--------------------------------------------------------
The "Evolution" Of The Granola Bar
The granola bar, the staple food of politically correct activists, is deeply
rooted in the history of the pioneers. The pioneers commonly spent 20 hours a
day clearing the land and planting crops, and naturally, worked up quite a
sweat. After a refreshing "cooler," a dip of the head in an ice cold river,
they resumed their productive labours. Their first crops, barley, rye, wheat,
oats, etc., comprised the main ingredients for granola. Those who did not find
it palatable used it for fodder, which was quite popular with horses.
The decline of the equine population produced a surplus of granola in the
1960's, which drove down prices on the futures market. Sold at sub-culture
health food stores at bulk prices, it was popular amongst hippies, who ate it
for energy between war protest demonstrations and love-ins, and threw it instead
of rice at weddings as an anti-establishment statement.
In the 1970's, a disillusioned Yippie-turned-Yuppie MBA student inadvertently
left some granola in his jeans when he did his laundry. With a keen eye for a
quick buck, he marketed the result as the "granola bar." The original flavours
were raison, peanuts, chocolate chip, and just plain granola. They were
staggeringly popular with campers and hikers as a ready source of energy, and
emergency substitute tent pegs.
In the 1980's, the hikers became soft and turned Club-Med. They developed a
taste for the life of ease: instant tellers, cellular phones, microwave dinners,
scratch & win lottery tickets, faxed letters, twist-top wine coolers, and
effortless success. Pushed by market forces, granola bar engineers toiled for
hours in research and development labs to develop soft, easily gulpable granola
bars which required little effort to chew and posed no hazard to dental caps.
Now in the 1990's, public demand is forcing the same artificially flavoured
fate as befell yogurt and coolers upon the granola bar. Trendy exclusively
granola bar health food restaurants will soon be serving 99 exotic flavours such
as asparagus, broccoli, cappuccino, chocolate fondue dip, pasta, quiche,
sea-weed, Spam, spinach, yogurt, and caffeine-laced power bars. Incidently,
horses will no longer touch the stuff.
-= food humor =-= 89 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column of the August issue of Consumer Reports:
A can of Del Monte creamed corn says on the label that it "contains no
artificial additives or preservatives." Another message, some distance lower,
says "Contains Recycled Steel."
Given the choice, we'd take the additives.
-= food humor =-= 90 =--------------------------------------------------------
There's a new celebrity where Sunset Boulevard meets the sea. A live Main
lobster tipping the scales at 12 1/2 pounds and possibly destined for the main
course at $9.95 a pound. But diners and workers at Gladstone's 4 Fish in Los
Angeles have a crush on the crustacean, have named the gentle giant Spike, and
are pleading for his life.
"A lot of servers really find him nice because he has such a nice demeanor.
He doesn't snap at them because he's really mellow," says Gladstone's manager
Jay Regan.
"We came in and saw him last Friday, fell in love with him and just kind of
adopted him," said waitress Julie Gleason.
Spike is believed to be about 65 years old, but his days may be numbered.
His date with fate is Nov. 1 (1994), when he will be given away during a
drawing.
"I hope whoever gets him doesn't kill him. I hope they let him live, or give
him to Scripps (Institution of Oceanography) or something, I mean, he's survived
two wars," said Gleason. But she thinks the other lobsters in the Gladstone's
tank are jealous of Spike and would just as soon see him leave. "I think
they're jealous because he's the only one who keeps coming back. When the other
ones are pulled from the tank, they don't come back," Gleason said.
-= food humor =-= 91 =--------------------------------------------------------
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
-= food humor =-= 92 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press news wire:
The state of Massachusetts is drafting regulations prohibiting large-scale
bakers to allow the odor of bread to be released into the atmosphere because it
contains ethanol, which can break down into ozone, a component of smog. "If
people have such a visceral response to this smell, they can bake their own
bread," said the engineer at the state Department of Environmental Protection
who drafted the regulation.
-= food humor =-= 93 =--------------------------------------------------------
A food company is considering marketing a new cereal with Andrew Dice Clay's
picture on the box. The cereal will be called Nut 'n' Bitch.
-= food humor =-= 94 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the M.I.T. AIR <Annals of Improbable Research>...
Research reports that merit a trip to the library:
"The Dielectric Properties of Meat" by B. Bodakian and F. X. Hart, "IEEE
Transactions on Dielectrics and Electrical Insulation", Vol. 1, No 2, April
1994. The abstract reads in part: "The permittivity and conductivity of beef
and chicken samples were measured in the frequency range of 1 Hz to 1 MHz.
Differences were observed in these dielectric spectra for commercially
purchased, as compared to freshly slaughtered samples." (Thanks to Anders
Larsson for bringing this and the next citation to our attention.)
"A Classification of Pure Malt Scotch Whiskies" by F. J. Lapointe and P.
Legendre, "Applied Statistics", Vol. 43, No 1, pp. 237-257, 1994. The authors
introduce their study thusly: "Single malts are well known by amateurs to differ
widely in nose, colour, body, palate, and finish. The layman interested in
discovering the diversity of these tasting sensations may wonder how to approach
the problem: what are the main types of single-malt Scotches, and in what way do
they differ? This is the type of question that came to us after acquainting
ourselves with single-malt whiskies during and after the 3rd Conference of the
International Federation of Classification Societies held at Heriot-Watt
University in Edingburgh, Scotland, in August 1991."
-= food humor =-= 95 =--------------------------------------------------------
A comedian (Seinfeld?) once reported going into a McDonald's and asking for an
order of fries. The girl asked, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-= food humor =-= 96 =--------------------------------------------------------
It has been said that we live on one-third of what we eat and the health clubs
and fat farms live on the rest.
-= food humor =-= 97 =--------------------------------------------------------
A woman taking entry tickets at the Seaside, Ore. aquarium noticed a man who had
come in earlier walking back out with Victor, a 25-lb. lobster, under his arm.
She called the manager, Keith Chandler, who gave chase. "It wasn't too difficult
to spot the guy; he had a lobster under his arm," Chandler said. Victor was
plopped back into his tank and the man was plopped into the clink on theft
charges. Victor is estimated to be 80 to 100 years old.
-= food humor =-= 98 =--------------------------------------------------------
In 1885, a drug manufacturer claimed "Cocaine can take the place of food, make
the coward brave, the silent eloquent, free the victims of alcohol and opium
habit from their bondage, and, as an anaesthetic, render the sufferer
insensitive to pain."
In 1886, an early advertisement for Coca Cola claimed "This intellectual
beverage and temperance drink contains the valuable tonic and nerve stimulant
properties of the coca plant.
-= food humor =-= 99 =--------------------------------------------------------
In 1972, advertising agency Young & Rubicam were about to launch Hunt-Wesson
Foods' canned pork and beans in Canada. In the U.K., the product had been known
as "Big John's", and they wanted a Canadian equivalent. The basic translation,
"Grand Jean", seemed insufficiently macho, so they changed it to the colloquial
"Gros Jos". Development, packaging, design, and the other necessities of the ad
campaign went smoothly ahead and the launch date was fixed. Then one French-
speaking copywriter happened to read the label. It appeared, she pointed out,
that the treasured colloquialism went a little far. "Gros Jos" meant "Big
Tits". The campaign was scrapped.
-= food humor =-= 100 =--------------------------------------------------------
In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of
Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists
hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's
helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by
physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed
sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to
deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to
40 seconds off each batch's frying time.
-= food humor =-= 101 =--------------------------------------------------------
Bear Market Means Bargain For Diners
By Paul Lewis
(from the New York Times News Service)
Paris - The two hungry diners sat down, turned expectantly to a flickering
computer screen on a nearby stand and began studying the latest quotations. The
news seemed ominous. Making money would not be easy in today's luncheon market.
The scene was La Connivence, a small new bistro-style restaurant at 6 Rue
Feydeau, a stone's throw from the Paris Bourse, or stock exchange. As with
stocks on the exchange, the laws of supply and demand determine the price diners
at La Connivence pay for a meal. (The name, La Connivence, means complicity,
with the slightly shady overtones appropriate for a gambling den of sorts.)
As patrons place their orders in the austere ground-floor dining room, one of
the owners, Jean-Claude Trastour, enters them into a computer which promptly
adjusts the menu prices to reflect demand. Popular dishes, like popular stocks,
go up in price while less popular ones decline.
Timorous diners may choose to pay the quoted price for a dish at the moment
they order it. That is called eating on the march comptant, or cash market. If
the price rises while these diners are tucking in, they have done very well for
themselves. If the price falls, they get indigestion. It is the safe way to
eat, safe and dull.
More adventurous folks play the futures market, the march a terme, agreeing
to pay the price quoted when they call for the check at the end of their meal.
Naturally, they hope the price will have fallen by that fateful moment. But
hopes may be dashed by a flurry of buying, and the price may easily shoot up.
Worse indigestion.
The newly seated diners began preparing their gambling strategy by reading
the trends. They saw that the prices of several dishes had already fallen by
close to 6 francs, the limit for price changes up or down in any one eating-
trading session. (A dollar is worth about 7 francs.) That left little room for
further decline. There would be no point in ordering any of those dishes, no
matter how delectable, unless, of course, the diner was more interested in
eating than in successful speculation.
The computer screen flashed chute du filet mignon, indicating that the price
of that choice steak had already fallen 5 francs, to 50 francs a serving. A veal
casserole with herbs had slipped 4 francs, to 48 francs. A rack of lamb chops
for two, down 10 francs, was priced to sell for 110 francs a serving. As for the
haddock, the computer reported a "sharp fall" of 5 francs a portion, to 57
francs.
Other dishes were doing better. The screen showed that a "stampede" of orders
for lotte had pushed the price of that pleasant Mediterranean fish up 4 francs
to 62 francs a portion, making it an interesting speculation. If diners played
the forward market, the price might be substantially lower when the time came to
pay; of course, it could still rise another 2 francs before reaching the 6
francs ceiling.
Occasionally, a diner's greed is outweighed by the thought of what he would
have to eat to turn a profit. An example: "Victorious advance of the stuffed
pigs' trotter," the computer flashed, marking it up 5 francs, to 43 francs.
Surely it could only fall. But a lunch of pigs' feet?
In the end, the diners chose a conservative strategy, ordering the special of
the day, saddle of lamb, on the marche a terme. The lamb was trading at 39
francs a portion; up a modest 2 francs for the day thus far.
The check arrived for the conservative diners: 228 francs for two, which is
pretty good by Paris standards since it included a bottle of Beaujolais, a
cheese-filled ravioli from the French Alps for a starter, homemade apple tart,
and coffee. But the roast saddle of lamb stood at 38 francs, only a meager 1
franc cheaper than when it was ordered. Down the street, the Bourse was having
one of its best days ever.
[Inside tip: Sell-SHORT-Ribs, Buy-LONGustine. Bon appetit! Pierre]
-= food humor =-= 102 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
An experimental car was driven from New York to San Francisco powered only by
french fry oil. The only drawback was that engineers had to stop every thousand
miles to change the ketchup.
-= food humor =-= 103 =--------------------------------------------------------
Even today, the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo,
Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries. One taste told me
the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat.
I declined any more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to
pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts. - from the introduction to "A Kayak
Full of Ghosts: Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman ISBN
0-88496-267-9
-= food humor =-= 104 =--------------------------------------------------------
Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow Torches
Last Updated: 2 August 1994
Author:
Patrick R. Michaud, pmic...@cbi.tamucc.edu
Abstract
Strawberry Pop Tarts may be a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary
devices. Toasters which fail to eject Pop Tarts cause the Pop Tarts to emit
flames 10-18 inches in height.
Introduction
Last year, an article by well-known newspaper columnist Dave Barry noted that
Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts (SPTs) could be made to emit flames "like a blow
torch" if left in a toaster too long. Given previous work in the field of food-
entertainment (see Fun With Grapes - A Case Study (included following this
article)), it was obvious that this was a new frontier that requires further
exploration. The present work describes our independent verification and
experience with SPT-based combustion.
Materials Used
Only two basic materials are needed to cause SPT-combustion: a (hopefully
inexpensive) toaster and some Strawberry Pop Tarts. In this work, the authors
used Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts with Real Smucker's Fruit. SPTs can be
obtained either with or without frosting; the non-frosted variety were used for
this experiment.
In addition to the basic materials, a number of safety-related items were needed
to conduct this experiment. First, a suitable location for the experiment was
required, it being expected that the kitchen was not the appropriate place for
blow-torching SPTs. The author's driveway was chosen as a suitable site.
Second, an appropriate means for extinguishing the SPTs would be needed; a
research assistant brought along some baking soda for the purpose.
Experiment Preparation
The toaster and SPT both had to be properly prepared for this experiment. In
order to guarantee that the SPT would receive sufficient heat to begin
combustion, the toaster was set to its highest setting and the lever was jammed
in the "down" position using adhesive cellophane. A SPT was removed from the
box and its protective packaging and carefully placed into the toaster slot.
Next, the toaster and SPT were taken to the driveway and an extension cord was
arranged to provide power to the toaster. At this point, we were ready to begin
the experiment.
The Experiment and Observations
The toaster was plugged in. First, the toaster went through a normal "toasting"
cycle (approximately 60 seconds), which more than thoroughly cooked the SPT
(since the toaster was set to its darkest setting). By this point, we could
definitely detect a burnt SPT aroma. The toaster then attempted to eject the
SPT, but was prevented from doing so by the adhesive cellophane. The toaster
then began emitting loud rattling and buzzing noises due to its inability to
eject the SPT.
(At this point the researchers became somewhat concerned that the noise from the
toaster would wake the neighbors and attract undue attention. However, we
decided that we were already committed to the experiment and that the neighbors
would be able to sacrifice some sleep in the name of science.)
Soon thereafter, large amounts of smoke began pouring out of the toaster. The
researchers noticed that some of the neighbors down the street were beginning to
get a little curious, but the experiment proceeded nonetheless. Approximately
40 seconds later, small flames began licking their way out of the toaster. The
flames steadily grew larger and larger until reaching a maximum height of about
18 inches above the top of the toaster.
As the flames were reaching their maximum height, the toaster abruptly stopped
making buzzing noises. We speculate that the flames had by this point shorted
the electronics within the toaster. The toaster was quickly disconnected from
the primary electrical source to avoid any potential damage to the author's
house. At this point, the researchers also realized that the heat could
inadvertently melt the adhesive cellophane and cause the flaming SPTs to
suddenly eject from the toaster. Unfortunately, this did not occur. The flames
continued for several minutes.
At this point, there was some slight concern that the flames might take
considerable time to diminish. We then enlisted the help of a reluctant research
assistant to sprinkle baking soda on the flames. (The reluctance was
understandable given the potential for premature SPT ejection described in the
above paragraph.) The baking soda quickly extinguished the flames and produced
still further smoke.
Once the flames were extinguished, the researchers noted an unanticipated
problem: what to do with the (now defunct) toaster and the spent SPT. It became
obvious that the toaster could not be returned to the author's house due to both
a continued potential fire hazard and the smell of burnt strawberries. In
addition, it was noted that the toaster was still "too hot to handle,"
necessitating the use of a nearby garden hose to cool the toaster off. Finally,
it was decided to just leave the toaster by the curb for the sanitation experts
to pick up the next morning.
Summary and Recommendations
In summary, overcooking the SPT did produce a good size flame. The effect was
not as pronounced as the researchers had hoped, but was satisfying nonetheless.
The research assistant noted that the flames produced did appear to have some
color variation. We believe that frosted SPTs may successfully produce even
larger torches. Further research in this area is warranted.
We did desire to repeat the experiment with the remaining five SPTs, but we
could not do so because there were no more suitable toasters available for
further experiments. In the future, we recommend that toasters be sold in six-
packs to accomodate important SPT research. Instead, the remaining SPTs were
sacrified over the course of the next several days in private, undocumented
consumption experiments.
Acknowledgements
Special thanks to Jennifer "Svetlana" Reckard for her suggestions and
proofreading of this work.
-= food humor =-= 105 =--------------------------------------------------------
Fun with Grapes - A Case Study
Last Updated: 14 June 1994
Authors:
Marc G. Frank, mgf...@erebus.com
Patrick R. Michaud, pmic...@cbi.tamucc.edu
Abstract
Using only cheap, readily-available equipment, you can create a spectacular
lightshow in the comfort of your very own kitchen, providing hours of fun and
excitement for your family, friends, and pets!
Ordinary grapes, when properly prepared and microwaved, spark impressively in an
extremely entertaining manner.
Introduction
We have made an important new discovery in the field of culinary entertainment.
Properly prepared, the common seedless grape can be made to combust
spectacularly when subjected to a short (5-10 second) duration of microwaves.
This study was conducted based upon suggestions from dozens of IRC #root
participants using locally available funds and equipment.
Materials Required
The following materials were needed for this study:
Green grapes (genus Vitis)
Microwave-safe plate (Corelle by Corning)
Knife (Ekco Stainless Steel)
Microwave Oven (Whirlpool Model MT6901XW-0)
No parental sponsors (both authors are fortunate to have supporting funds
unencumbered by parental restrictions)
Procedure
1. The authors carefully cleared the laboratories of all non-essential
personnel, especially those persons who might attempt to abort the
experiment while the grapes were still in the pre-combustion phase.
2. Next, the grapes were carefully prepared for proper theatrical effect. The
knife was used to carefully slice the grape almost in half, leaving the
grape halves attached by the skin. Next, the grapes halves were placed face
down in the middle of the microwave safe plate.
3. Next, the plate with the prepared grapes were placed into the center of the
microwave oven and the door carefully shut. The microwave was set to cook at
full power for 40 seconds. Finally, after the various recording devices were
in place, the start button on the microwave was engaged.
Observed Results
The effect of the microwaves on the sliced grapes produced an extremely
satisfying flare and associated sparks. The sparks began approximately 5 seconds
after the microwave was started. Approximately 3-4 seconds after that, the force
of the sparks separated the grape halves by approximately 1.5 cm, ending the
theatrical effects. At that point, the microwave session was aborted to prevent
further damage to the microwave and/or grape.
Discussion and Conclusions
As this report was being prepared, it became evident to the researchers that a
mis-communication occurred from the experimental design to the actual conduct of
the experiment. The original experimental design called for the grapes to be
placed on the plate with the sliced side up, whereas this experiment occurred
with the sliced sides placed downward. Further research will be required to
determine if the positioning of the grapes significantly affects the theatrical
results.
A future experiment calls for the microwaving of multiple grapes simultaneously
for increased theatrical effect. For those who wish to forge ahead on this
research, the authors suggest separating each grape by a distance of 1.5 cm or
more. Note that the authors take no responsibility for any accidents resulting
from mis-application of this study. If your microwave blows up and your house
catches fire, call the fire department, not us. Our microwave ovens appear to be
in good shape after repeated experiments.
The results of this study will greatly enhance the field of culinary
entertainment. New pyrotechnic methods have been developed using commonly
available grapes and microwave ovens. The results of this study and its
derivative works provide fertile ground for new research. The authors are
planning to use this research as a basis for experimentation with other species
of grape and produce. Results of such study will be made available in future
publications.
Acknowledgements
The authors gratefully acknowledge the operators of IRC and the participants of
channel #root, without whom this study would have been left incomplete.
-= food humor =-= 106 =--------------------------------------------------------
In September 1994, research supported by a British juice company found that
50,000 people in Great Britain seek hospital treatment every year from injuries
incurred while struggling to open milk and juice containers.
-= food humor =-= 107 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the high point of a bulimic's birthday party?
It's when the cake jumps out of the girl.
(Uugh, uugh, blechh, bad joke!)
-= food humor =-= 108 =--------------------------------------------------------
Food Fight!
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old
girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing
loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually,
the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the
contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she
allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
-= food humor =-= 109 =--------------------------------------------------------
The man who designed the original Oscar Meyer Weinermobile has died. Don't feel
bad though, he lived his life with relish.
-= food humor =-= 110 =--------------------------------------------------------
My Appetite Is My Shepherd
My appetite is my shepherd,
I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff my self.
It leadeth me to the refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King
for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth,
I will not stop eating,
It tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me,
For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
my clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and excess weight shall follow me
All the days of my life,
And I shall be fat forever!
-= food humor =-= 111 =--------------------------------------------------------
In Mexico, we have a word for sushi; bait. - Jose' Simon
-= food humor =-= 112 =--------------------------------------------------------
The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate
use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in resturants:
Menu Items:
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
French Creeps - L.A.
French fried ships - Cairo
Fried fishermen - Japan
Fried friendship - Nepal
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Goose Barnacles - Spain
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Strawberry crap - Japan
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
Product Names:
Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Libido - Chinese soda
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Pipi - Yugoslavian orange drink
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Zit - Greek soft drink
-= food humor =-= 113 =--------------------------------------------------------
On a related note regarding bad use of English in foreign restaurants, I was
once in a fairly nice Bangkok restaurant where, as you flipped through the menu,
the selections were listed on one page, each annotated with numbers and briefly
described with broken English, and on the opposite facing page were color 3x5in.
photographs taped to that page of each selection with matching numbers above the
photographs, presumably so that foreign visitors could see what each dish was or
could just point to the picture when ordering. The problem was that above each
photograph page was the caption:
"Food is smaller than appears in pictures."
^^^^^^^
This did not seem to be unintentional as the caption was placed above six
separate photograph pages in the menu and the restaurant was rather elegant and
did not seem prone to tongue-in-cheek humor. Luckily, the shrimp curry that I
ordered came on a plate larger than 4 inches in diameter :*) (and was quite a
generous portion, in fact).
-= food humor =-= 114 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of
National Review:
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-= food humor =-= 115 =--------------------------------------------------------
50 Ways To Confuse The Heck Out Of People In Dining Halls
by Robert Chen
1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils.
Inhale your food.
2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come
in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall
needs new ketchup.
3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn
to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish]
fly like that before?"
5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced,
request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a
simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream
sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he
or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal yourself.
7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at
everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not.
Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then
dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be
cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.
8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer.
Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then
"involuntarily" drool.
9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your
body and return to the end of the line. Repeat.
10. (For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then
remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip down and
sit on your food let out a loud sigh.
11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your
meat with them and pretend not to notice.
12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the
liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain
that it goes too fast.
13. If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells.
14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food,
yell, "HEY!" and shake your head.
15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time
you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the
person next to you to be your Food Tester.
16. Enter the dining hall naked. If you're not immediately removed from the
premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying
their meal.
17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake
your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights
too?!"
18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your
neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.
19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you
received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to
the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and
proceed to make a scene.
20. Same as above, but with burgers.
21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show
contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try
some."
22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop
suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while
giving everyone an evil eye.
23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain,
weightlift them.
24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.
25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my God! It's still alive!" Grab your knife
and start hacking at the meat.
26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall,
stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall,
but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.
27. Practice snarfing.
28. Shortly after your meal, complain how the dining hall always serves the same
food. Then stick your finger down your throat and proceed to vomit back on
your plate. Start eating (or drinking) again, and say, "It doesn't taste
quite right the second time."
29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.
30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to
recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically.
Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.
31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.
32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have
some peanuts."
33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food
alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you
should put orange juice under "o" or "j."
34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat
avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid
to speak while your mouth is full.
35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the
cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too
much milk.
36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"
37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.
38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then
announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Fruit
Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not REAL Fruit Loop eaters.
Proceed to crush the green Fruit Loops and sniff them.
39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything
unfinished.
40. "Pass the pepper and salt, please."
41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating.
Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
42. Try to pick up members of the opposite sex. For Men: "I've got a large,
hard banana. Wanna piece?" For Women: "I've got a moist, wet fruit cake
(or cherry). Wanna indulge?"
43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death with your
pet turtle.
44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat
beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment
on how nice everyone's shoes look.
45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain
how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve
and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and
remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.
46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
47. During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently. Then pause
for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some napkins.
Use them as toilet paper.
48. Same as above, except with pita pockets instead of napkins.
49. If you're have Swedish meatballs, pretend that they taste bad. Then say,
"These pigs testicles were better in El Salvador."
And, to thoroughly confuse people...
50. Comment on how GOOD the food is!
-= food humor =-= 116 =--------------------------------------------------------
Sure eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life. People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-= food humor =-= 117 =--------------------------------------------------------
Columnist Emil Guillermo, writing in Filipinas magazine in the fall of 1994,
urging Philippine-Americans to come out of the closet regarding their appetite
for dog meat: "Whether you have eaten it or not, deep down you know you'd eat
it. Yet that restrictive idea of 'when in America, do as Americans do' prevents
us from outright declaring, 'Mmmm, I prefer my German shepherd baked and my
cocker spaniel sauteed.'"
-= food humor =-= 118 =--------------------------------------------------------
Haggis
Haggis is a kind of black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to
be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver
and lungs of a sheep, calf, or other animal's inner organs are mixed with
oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and...
Excuse me a minute...
-= food humor =-= 119 =--------------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
From the San Jose Mercury News, 1/11/95:
What Your Pizza Says About You
Wonder what the Domino's people do when they're not rushing pizzas all over
creation? They take surveys, or they say they do. The company's mighty public
relations machine offers these observations:
Men wearing muscle shirts when answering the door order pepperoni three times
more often than any other topping. People who have pierced noses, lips, or
eyebrows ask for a vegetarian topping 23 percent more often than a meat topping.
Those who have wind chimes on the porch are four times more likely than the
average to want olives.
A recurring element is the correlation between pizza-eating and TV-watching.
Whatever day and time 'Roseanne' airs is always the biggest half-hour of the
week for meat-topped pizza orders.
Since you asked, the No. 1 pizza-ordering show (figured by comparing orders
during its time slot with weeks when the show doesn't air) is 'Melrose Place,'
which is also by far the leading show for vegetable-topped pizzas. Pizza orders
in the 'Melrose Place' time slot have gone up 14 percent since Heather Locklear
joined the cast.
There's more: As you look back on 1994, trying to make sense of Newt's rise and
O.J.'s fall, you may want to consider these other statistics from Domino's:
o Since the Republicans won the election, meat-topped pizza orders have risen 32
percent in the Washington metropolitan area.
o Since Election Day, tipping of Domino's deliverers by Washington women has
fallen off by 10 percent (except during 'Melrose Place,' when it climbs by 30
percent).
o Since the election, tipping by House Republicans has been down 12 percent;
tipping by House Democrats has been up 3 percent.
o Whenever Newt Gingrich appears on national television, pizza orders to
Democratic offices go up 4 percent and go down 2 percent on the GOP side.
o And last, but not least: The single greatest hour for pizza delivery in
national pizza history was the hour when O.J. Simpson was in the white Ford
Bronco on the L.A. freeways.
================================================================================
== WAITER/WAITRESS HUMOR =======================================================
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don't complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, if this is place then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* the place.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you are vegetarian.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter,
it's margarine - so there!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy
chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------
Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what do you call this?
That's been soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------
I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was
terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, "This chicken is rubbery."
And the waiter said, "Thank you berry much!"
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------
Scene: A table at a Chinese restaurant. A patron has just been seated. The
restaurant is being run by an oriental family. The waiter has a heavy Oriental
accent.
Man: Hi! You must be the waiter.
Waiter: Yes, sir! How may I serve you?
Man: I'm hungry today! What's today's special?
Waiter: At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*!
Man: Ha, ha. Right. (looks at the menu.) Can't make up my mind.
Waiter: Would you like some soup of the day?
Man: What's the soup of the day?
Waiter: Bird drop soup. I go get bowl for you.
The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup.
Waiter: Here you go! Soup of the day!
Man: Great. (Takes a sip.) (Spits) Yuck! This soup tastes spoiled!
Waiter: Ha, ha! Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day!
Man: Yuck, yuck! You seem to think that was funny! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes! And, you are the customer. How may I help you?
Man: May I see a menu, please?
Waiter: Sure. Menu on counter. Next to cash register.
Man: Well, aren't you going to get it?
Waiter: Why? You need it, I don't!
Man: But, aren't you the waiter?
Waiter: Yes, and you are the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me the menu!
Waiter: Okay, okay ...
The waiter leaves and returns with a menu.
Waiter: Okay, here menu. Now, what you like to order?
Man: Let's see. I think I'll have the beef chow fun.
Waiter: Ah! Beef chow fun! You want to have some fun! Ha, ha! Get it? Have
some *fun*?
Man: Man, you have a terrible sense of humor! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes, and you must be the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: May I have my order of fun, please?
Waiter: We don't serve fun here. Not that kind of business.
Man: What?
Waiter: My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ...
Man: No!! I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok!
Waiter: Ugh! Fun in the wok! You Americans are *very* strange!
Man: No, no! Look, I want that order of beef chow fun!
Waiter: Ah, you want CHOW fun!
Man: That's what I said!
Waiter: So sorry. You are the customer.
Man: You are the waiter.
Waiter: How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me my order.
Waiter: No problem.
The waiter walks toward the order window.
Waiter: One order beef chow fun!
Man: Oh, waiter! No MSG!
Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Hold MSG!
Cook: Two order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! ONE order beef chow fun! No MSG!
Cook: You say TWO order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG!
Cook: No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun, no MSG!
That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG!
Waiter: Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay?
Cook: Any MSG?
Waiter: No!
Cook: (mumbles) Nobody like MSG. Don't know why. Taste good. Maybe make you
a little nervous, but so does coffee ...
The waiter returns to the table.
Waiter: Cook cook your order now. Anything else?
Man: Let me look at the menu. (Looks at the menu) Hey, waiter! What's this
on the menu?
Waiter: (Looks at the menu) Look like food.
Man: That's disgusting! Don't you guys clean your menus?
Waiter: Why?
Man: Well ... uh, I don't know. What is it?
Waiter: Look like chow fun.
Man: Really? Hmmm.
The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it.
Man: Mmmm! That's pretty good chow fun!
Waiter: That BEEF chow fun! You like?
Man: Yes. It was very tasty. I can't wait for my order now.
Waiter: How you know of chow fun?
Man: What do you mean?
Waiter: Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU order
chow fun! You Chinese?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Waiter: You from China? What part of China you from?
Man: Oakland.
Waiter: Ahh! Oakland not in China!
Man: Try telling that to my parents.
Cook: Order ready! One beef chow fun, no MSG!
Waiter: Here you are! One beef chow fun!
Man: Thanks. Wait. Why is there a spoon? Where's my chopsticks?
Waiter: Chow fun usually side dish. We serve with spoon.
Man: Well, I suppose I can use the spoon. Hey, what's this side dish?
Waiter: (Looks at the little dish) Don't know. Hey, cook!! Come out here!
The cook returns to the table.
Cook: Yeah?
Man: What's this white powder on this side dish?
Cook: Oh! That MSG.
Man: I said NO MSG.
Cook: I know. That why I put on side dish. In case you change your mind.
Man: I WON'T change my mind! I don't like MSG!
Cook: Look. Little bit of MSG, no hurt. Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe hurt.
Man: Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ...
Cook: (Angry) Look! I eat it! Prove to you that MSG a-okay!
The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it.
Cook: (Smiles.) See? Nothing wrong! Everything okay.
The cook stops smiling. Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes
uncontrollably.
Man: Uh-oh. Maybe we should get a doctor.
Waiter: No. He just on his break. He be okay in one hour.
Man: You guys are nuts. Just leave me alone.
Cook: (Gasps) I ... need ... water!
Waiter: You customer?
Cook: No.
Waiter: You not customer, I no serve you.
Man: May *I* have some water?
Waiter: You customer?
Man: Yes. Are you a waiter?
Waiter: Yes, how may I serve you?
Man: I want some water.
Waiter: Sorry. I'm on my break.
Man: All right. Who will be serving me?
Waiter: My daughter. The waitress.
The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress goes to the table. She is
absolutely gorgeous...
Man: You're the waitress?
Waitress: Yes, you are customer?
Man: Yeah.
Waitress: How may I serve you?
Man: I want some more fun.
Waitress: (slaps the patron) I'm not that kind of girl!
Man: (Sighs) Just get me another order of beef chow fun.
Cook: (From the floor) No MSG!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------
A man walks into a Chinese restuarant but is told by the maitre'd that there
will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He
goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once
upon time was *four* little pig..."
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------
"Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the
air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never
once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out
the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air
conditioner."
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The maller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you mumbling about then? The smaller piece is what you want,
right?"
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------
A guy arrived to a fine restaurant, he take a seat and the waitress arrived.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Man: Please, bring me a large plate with cold shit and a glass of water.
Waitress: Sorry?
Man: A LARGE PLATE WITH COLD, VERY COLD, SHIT AND A GLASS OF WATER!!!!
Waitress: Right away, sir!
After five minutes, the waitress arrived with a large plate with cold shit
and a glass of water...
Waitress: Here is your order sir, anything else?
Man: No, thank you.
The man takes a spoon and starts to eat all the cold shit very fast, then he
stops and take a drink of water, then he starts to eat the cold and stinky shit
again. After ten minutes, he suddenly stops, and starts to puke, and the
waitress arrives.
Waitress: Is something wrong sir?
Man: THERE WAS A FLY IN MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------
Two guys walk into the restaurant and waitress comes.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Guy 1: Yeahh, I 'll have shit with onions.
Guy 2: I'll have a plain shit.
Guy 1 (to Guy 2): Why you don't take onions?
Guy 2: I hate when I have bad breath afterwards.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------
A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup
and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the
waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The
guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.
The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The
waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker
house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where
the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress
sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle
soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."
The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and
says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour,
the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------
A man walks into an Indian restaurant and is shown to a table. He sits for a
few minutes perusing the menu, then calls the waiter over.
"Waiter, can you explain something to me, please?"
"Certainly, sir, what's the problem?"
"Well, you see this item here... Chicken Tarka? Shouldn't that be Chicken
Tikka?"
"No, that's right, sir; Chicken Tarka is similar to Chicken Tikka, but it's a
little 'otter."
(If you don't get this joke, explanation/clarification for non-Indian restaurant
frequenters:
Chicken - a fowl
Tikka - an Indian dish
Chicken Tikka - an Indian dish made with fowl
Tarka - hero/ine(?) of book "Tarka the Otter"
Otter - like a ferret, only larger. Swims around in rivers a lot eating fish.
Chicken Tarka - if you don't get it yet don't bother getting up tomorrow.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for
dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the
chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.