Canonical List Of Sex Humor 1/8
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Canonical List Of Sex Humor (Vidi, Vici, Veni)
Archive-Name: sex
Last-Modified: 94/08/31
Version: 2.07
Total-Joke-Count: 642
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CONTENTS
CONDOM HUMOR
GAY HUMOR
SEX RIDDLES
SEX QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS
SEX HUMOR
================================================================================
== CONDOM HUMOR ================================================================
-= condom humor =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
condom(1) Eunuch Programmer's Manual condom(1)
Name
condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
Synopsis
condom [options] [processid]
Description
_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that
may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network
can only be abated by aware and cautious users, _condom_ is the only
highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see
celibacy(1)). Any data passed to _condom_ by the protected process will be
blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).
_condom_ is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions...
o AIDS
o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
o Syphilis
o Crabs
o Genital warts
o Gonhorrea
o Chlamydia
o Michelangelo
o Jerusalem
When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or
setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked
from within a synchronous process, _condom_ has, by default, an 80% chance of
preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s
option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of
preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by
the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom
without a reservoir tip. The optional 'processid' argument is an integer
specifying the process to protect.
Note: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_ will terminate
abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).
Options
The following options may be given to _condom_...
-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows...
trojan (default)
ramses
sheik
goldcoin
fourex
-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are...
latex (default)
saranwrap
membrane -- WARNING! The membrane option is _not_ endorsed by the System
Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain viruses.
It is supported only for the sake of tradition.
-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported...
plain (default)
apple
banana
cherry
cinnamon
licorice
orange
peppermint
raspberry
spearmint
strawberry
-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the
resilience of _condom_ against data passed to _condom_ by the protected
process. Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s
protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A
smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but also
increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous
process or one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ will
increase the chance of _condom_'s failure. The default STRENGTH is 80%.
-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are...
rough (default)
ribbed
bumps
lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes)
Warning: The use of an external application to _condom_ in order to reduce
friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease
_condom_'s strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process,
use the '-t lubricated' option.
Diagnostics
_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...
-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.
0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous
process).
1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission
of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to
the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to
the ages of the processes involved.
Bugs
_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked
or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator
General has deemed that _condom_ is the most effective means of preventing the
spread of system transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a
100% effective program for preventing these problems.
Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur
between mature, consenting processes. If you must use sex(1), please employ
_condom_ to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all
responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.
See Also
celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)
-= condom humor =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------
List Of Possible Slogans Promoting 'National Condom Week'
A crank with armor will never harm her
Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic
Before getting laid, wrap up your spade
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping
Cover your stump before you hump
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
Don't be a loner, cover your boner
Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
Don't be silly, protect your willy
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
If you go into heat, package your meat
If you really love her, wear a cover.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker
No glove, no love!
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
The right selection will protect your erection
When in doubt, shroud your spout
When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm
You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head
-= condom humor =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------
A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms.
"What size package would you like?"
"Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?"
"Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack."
"Why so many different ones?"
"Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish
persuasion."
"Why is that?"
"Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath."
"How about the nine-pack?"
"That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a
night and twice on weekends."
"How about the twelve-pack."
"That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January,
February, March..."
-= condom humor =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------
A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date
this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and
doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a
clerk for some help.
"Sure, I can help you," says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"
"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be
prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I
don't quite know what I should be getting."
"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do
you just fine."
"Why 3?" says the lad.
"Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one
breaks." replies the clerk.
"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?" says the lad.
"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of
the week." says the clerk.
"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?" says the lad.
"Oh. You don't need that." says the clerk.
"Well why not?" says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."
"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one
for February, one for March...."
-= condom humor =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the
second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and
absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An
elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since,
you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to
know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
-= condom humor =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by
stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am."
She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels." At which point, he fainted.
-= condom humor =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------
The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and
they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she
hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she
demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she
suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and
asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure
am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.
-= condom humor =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------
A population control program was introduced to the island, but the medicine
men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills.
They decided to concentrate on teaching men to wear condoms.
One of the tribesmen who came in had eight children in eight years, and the
medicine man told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained
that as long as the man wore the condom, his woman could not have another baby.
A month later, the man's wife came in and was pregnant again. The medicine
man got very angry. He called the man in and asked him why he didn't wear the
condoms.
The man replied, "I DID wear one. But after six days, I had to urinate so
badly that I cut the end off."
-= condom humor =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------
A little boy came into the house and said to his little sister, "Guess what,
I found a used condom underneath the magnolias."
His little sister looker up and said, "What's a magnolia?"
-= condom humor =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------
A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the
pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?"
The teen hesistantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom."
Pharmacist says, "Okay. Here you are." (Sets a box of condoms on counter)
The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I
think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms."
The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay." (Gets another one)
The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I
have tonight. I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms."
The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he
wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms.
Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells
him that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the
table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before
beginning the meal.
The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food
and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and...
(goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing *everything* including the table, the
silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen."
The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really
religious."
The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."
-= condom humor =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------
This kid walks into the pharmacy and tells the person at the counter, "I've a
hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"What size?"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess."
"That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks?!?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
-= condom humor =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to
bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
-= condom humor =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She
answered, "Depends on what's in it for me."
-= condom humor =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please." With a surprised look on her face
the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make
it 100."
-= condom humor =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Make a tire and call it a good year.
What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire...
A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year! :)
-= condom humor =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------
Why do cowboys use denim condoms?
Because they shrink to fit.
-= condom humor =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em.
-= condom humor =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new West Virginian rubbers?
They're open-ended for more sensitivity.
-= condom humor =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
-= condom humor =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
-= condom humor =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------
A Marine drill sergeant came into a pharmacy and took a tattered old condom
out of his wallet and asked the pharmacist, "How much for a new one like this?"
"Ohh, I'd say about sixty cents," replied the pharmacist.
"Right, and how much to have this one repaired?" asked the drill sergeant.
Amused and puzzled, the pharmacist decided to humor the sergeant. "Oh, about
about forty cents."
"I'll have to think about it." replied the drill sergeant, who then put the
condom back into his wallet and left.
Two week later, the drill sergeant returned and, throwing the even more
ragged old condom out on the counter, said, "Okay, the regiment has decided to
buy a new one!"
-= condom humor =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------
Written on a condom vending machine:
These chewing gums don't taste too good!!!
Written on another one of the condom vending machines:
For refund, insert baby.
Another condom vending machine had the condom brand name "Adam And Eve"
scratched out and replaced with "Adam And Steve".
-= condom humor =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------
What do you call grit in a condom?
An organ grinder!
-= condom humor =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.
-= condom humor =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------
Why is a diploma like a condom?
It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.
-= condom humor =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------
A girl said, "My last lover was so bad, he should have used amateurphylactics!"
-= condom humor =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------
What happened to the man who put the condom on back to front?
He went.
-= condom humor =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled... So was the
Titanic!!!
-= condom humor =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------
What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold?
Large, medium, and Caucasian.
-= condom humor =-= 30 =------------------------------------------------------
What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
You use both to catch those special moments!!!
-= condom humor =-= 31 =------------------------------------------------------
When is the best time to wear a condom?
On every conceivable occasion!
-= condom humor =-= 32 =------------------------------------------------------
What should a woman do when her mate refuses to wear a condom because "It cuts
down on what I feel"?
Say, "Good, then we'll be even!"
-= condom humor =-= 33 =------------------------------------------------------
What do condoms and coffins have in common?
They both have stiffs in them, but one's coming and one's going.
-= condom humor =-= 34 =------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a coupon for two products sold by the same manufacturer:
Contraceptive sponge or home pregnancy test: your choice
-= condom humor =-= 35 =------------------------------------------------------
This Indian goes into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that he has too
many youngins. He asks if there is anything he can take for it. The pharmacist
puts some rubbers on the counter and says try these. The Indian leaves happy.
The next day, the Indian walks up to the counter and throws the remaining
rubbers at the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks what happened. The Indian just
looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber go BANG!!"
The pharmacist looks suprised and gets some extra heavy duty Trojans and hands
them to him and suggests he try these.
The next day, the Indian comes back in and throws the remaining rubbers at
the pharmacist. The suprised pharmacist asks what happened this time? The
Indian just looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber
go BANG!" The pharmacist thinks for a while. He says wait here and I'll be
right back. He goes out back and gets an old Tire tube and sews a rubber out of
it. He gives this to the Indian and says to try it. The Indian looks at it and
agrees it will work.
The next day, the Indian comes into the store moaning and limping! The
pharmacist goes up to him and helps him to a seat. He then asks the Indian what
happened. The Indian looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH! RUBBER go UGH!
RIGHT NUT GO _BANG_!!!"
-= condom humor =-= 36 =------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a drug story. He approaches the pharmacist and asks, "Do
you have any of those condomns with insecticide on them?"
The pharmacists says, "Ugh...don't you mean spermacide?"
The man replies, "No...insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm
going after it!"
-= condom humor =-= 37 =------------------------------------------------------
Hong Kong has recently seen the introduction of a condom called "Mr Condom",
which has brightly covered packaging and which is advertised on the underground
railway service. This made me realise that there is an opportunity here for a
new form of advertising, on the condom itself. With the increasing acceptance
of the condom as an everyday item plus the close attention given to each
individual condom by the 'user' and 'participant', there is definitely an area
here that could be used for promoting companies, etc. Some possibilities:
A bank - expand with us
A marketing company - achieve better penetration with ...
An insurance company - we provide total protection
A roofing company - we also provide a cover that does not leak
Shell fuels - for the ultimate thrust
Lubricants - for smooth action
A smear campaign in an election - don't vote for that prick
-= condom humor =-= 38 =------------------------------------------------------
Associated Press - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has finally
approved the "female condom," which has been available in other countries for a
number of years, but only if it comes with several pages of instructions with 11
diagrams showing proper use. But what to call them to attract American women?
"We looked at names like Behold, Within, Beyond - pretty words and pretty
packages with roses or young couples in the sunlight," said company spokeswoman
Mary Ann Leeper.
Keeping modern diseases in mind, they finally decided to take a serious
approach; "Reality" comes packaged in a plain white box.
-= condom humor =-= 39 =------------------------------------------------------
Rome (Reuter) - An Italian physics student is ringing the changes with a
condom that plays classical music if it splits during sex.
"When a condom breaks, you need to be warned urgently so that it can be
changed in time. Mine will do it with a quick burst of Beethoven," amateur
inventor Lino Missio, 26, said Friday. "I've got a prototype and it works just
fine."
Missio, who studies in Genoa, said his musical condom, which he patented this
week, was coated with a special compound whose ability to conduct electricity
changed when the condom splits.
A minute, flexible microchip at the base of the condom measures any changes
in the condom's electrical properties and sounds the alarm.
"It needn't just play music. You could get it to give you a verbal warning,"
Missio told Reuters. He said he was looking for a company to help him develop
and market his invention.
================================================================================
== GAY HUMOR ===================================================================
-= gay humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street.
"Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!"
"No shit..."
"Well, hardly any."
-= gay humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the
first to evacuate?
They've already got their shit packed.
-= gay humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco ?
Because their balls hang out!
-= gay humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight
woman on the street?
Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair.
-= gay humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------
If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there
first?
The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit!
or
The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit!
-= gay humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar?
Hi, can I push in your stool?
-= gay humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why don't San Franciscans eat gerbils?
Because they can't get their legs far enough apart.
-= gay humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------
How do you get four gay men on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.
-= gay humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
-= gay humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why did the homosexual leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why did he come back?
He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.
-= gay humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit!
-= gay humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar. The
first said to the second, "Want to go in and get shit-faced?"
-= gay humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------
A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids!
I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says,
"Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops
the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
-= gay humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering
numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy
admitted that he was.
"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a
man?"
"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."
-= gay humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans?
Billy Jeans.
-= gay humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two lesbians who were building a house together?
There were no studs in the house at all, just tongue-in-groove!
-= gay humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------
Liberace was great on the piano...
But sucked on the organ.
Did you hear they were re-opening the case regarding Liberace's death?
They found the asshole that killed him!
Why did Liberace's doctor give him 6 more weeks to live?
The gerbil came out and saw his shadow.
-= gay humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------
What did River Phoenix and Rock Hudson have in common.
They both got a hold of some bad crack.
-= gay humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new Rock Hudson jeans?
The zipper is in the back.
-= gay humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------
Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and
abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital
endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of
conversation on the bar for measurement.
Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same
gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the
man, "What'll ya have?"
The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have
the buffet instead."
-= gay humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------------
A woman brings a guy home from a bar and tells him, "We must hurry and get on
with it, my husband will be home soon."
"How soon?" asks the guy.
"Don't tell me you're gay!!" yells the woman.
-= gay humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------------
Four gay men were sitting in a hot tub when a blob of semen rose to the surface.
One of the men said, "Alright, who farted?"
-= gay humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------------
This gay fellow was looking in a sex shop window. He saw a large rubber
cock that appealed to him, so he went inside. He told the clerk, pointing to
the big dildo, "I'll take that one."
"Should I wrap it or just put it in a bag?" asked the clerk.
"Neither," replied the customer, "I'll just eat it right here."
-= gay humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual?
A megasoreass.
-= gay humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------------
This gay guy visit his doctor and says, "Uh doc, I've got something up my ass
that isn't supposed to be there."
The doctor says, "Alright, drop your pants and lets take a look." (snaps on
gloves and feels around) "Hmm, everything is all right here."
The gay guy says, "No, it's a bit higher up."
The doctor pushes his hand further in and then says, "Hmm, still nothing."
The gay guy replies, "A bit further."
The doctor presses his hand further in and says, "Why yes, there is something
here... Ouch...what's that....a rose?"
To which the gay guy replies, "Yes, it's for you."
-= gay humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do doctors do with the skins after a circumcision?
They sell them to gays for gum.
-= gay humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------
When a man and woman get married, they get a marriage license. What do lesbians
need?
A licker license.
-= gay humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------
A farmer walks into a city bar for the first time. He encounters a very nice
looking woman, and asks her out. She tells him she's a lesbian. He doesn't
know what a lesbian is, so she tells him, "You see that woman over there?"
(points to a beautiful woman)
"Yeah."
"Well, I want to get her into bed."
The farmer stops, and thinks for a few seconds, then says, "Well, heck, I
guess I'm a lesbian, too!"
-= gay humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------
How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He pulls out and spits on his partner's back.
-= gay humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if you've just walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.
-= gay humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------
If you get malaria from mosquitoes and lime disease from ticks, what do you get
AIDS from?
Asshoppers.
-= gay humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the first symptom of AIDS infection?
A pounding sensation in your rear.
-= gay humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.
-= gay humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest booze the
bartender has. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"
The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy goes in again and asks for 8 shots. Again, the
bartender asks what's wrong. The guy says that he found out that his son is gay.
Yet the next day, the guy goes up to the bartender again and asks for 15
shots.
"Damn," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"
-= gay humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker!"
-= gay humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the gay indian?
He was a brave sucker!
-= gay humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------------
What happens if you spend the night in a gay bar?
You will wake up with a queer taste in your mouth.
-= gay humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you call tuna fish in a lesbian bar?
Potpourri.
-= gay humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------------
Now that it's alright for gays to be in the military, I guess there will be a
whole new meaning when the sarge tells his troops, "Alright boys, bring it up
the rear!"
-= gay humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------------------
A homosexual walks into a butcher shop and asks for a salami, so the butcher
asks whether he would like his salami sliced or whole. "Of course I want it
whole!" the homo says, "does my ass look like a piggy bank to you?"
-= gay humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why can't k.d.lang lose weight while wearing make-up?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on her face at the same
time!
-= gay humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny comes home all excited and tells his mother, "Mom, guess what?
In gym class today, I got laid for the first time!"
Little Johnny's mother got furious and tells him to go to his room and wait
there until his father gets home. When the father gets home, the mother tells
him, "You wouldn't believe what Johnny told me today. Go have a talk with him."
So the father goes into little Johnny's room and asks him, "Son, what did you
say to your mother that made her so upset?"
"Gosh," the kid says, "I just told her I got laid for the first time today."
The father tries to conceal his pride from the eleven-year-old and tells his
son, "This is a little secret we should keep just between us men, okay?"
"You mean it's alright then?" asks Johnny.
"No, I didn't say that. Just don't tell your mother," the father replies.
The next day, the boy comes home, doesn't say a word to his mother, and goes
straight into his room. When the father gets home, the mother asks him to talk
to the son because she senses that something is wrong.
The dad goes into Johnny's room and asks him, "What's wrong son? Your
mother's concerned. Did you get laid again today?"
"Are you crazy?" the boy says. "My ass still hurts from yesterday!!"
-= gay humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man was talking with his wife one day. He says to her, "Honey, I have good
news and bad news. The bad news is that I'm a woman trapped in a man's body."
His wife responds, "What could possibly be the good news?"
He says, "I'm gay."
-= gay humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------------------
This big football player goes into a gay bar looking for trouble. He rambles
up to the bar and orders a beer. A short gay guy asks the football player if
he's ever played barroom football (the football player is obviously wearing a
football jacket to give his identity away). The football player says he has
not, but that he can kick the shit out of any queer in football.
The little gay guy orders a mug of beer, downs it, slams the mug on the bar,
and says, "Touchdown, big boy."
The football player does likewise but finishes with, "Touchdown, faggot."
The gay guy pulls is pants down and takes a dump on the bar floor, pulls his
pants back up and says, "Extra point, big boy."
The football player rips his pants down and, suddenly, the gay guy is
scrambling up behind him screaming, "Block that kick!"
-= gay humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------------------
What kind of a marriage license do lesbians need?
A lick-her license.
-= gay humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------------------
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.
-= gay humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is a lesbian recruit?
A wacs fruit.
-= gay humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lesbian and a triscuit?
A triscuit is a snack cracker.
-= gay humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?
They both use snap-on tools.
-= gay humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis?
Because she swings both ways.
-= gay humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man came out of a bar with a black eye. "All I did," he explained, "was ask
this gal in this lesbian bar if she'd like to get something straight between
us!"
-= gay humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and sees a very sexy woman. He tells the bartender to
buy her a drink. The bartender warns him that she's a lesbian but the man says
he doesn't care.
"Okay..." says the bartender.
The lady gets the drink and walks over to him. "Would you like to see my
tits" she purrs to him.
"Sure." replies the man. The lady shows him her breasts, then leaves.
He sends her another drink. No sooner had he finished sending it to her than
she came back and said, "Want to see my ass?"
"Sure." he says. She does, then she leaves.
He decides to send her one last drink and when she comes back over, she says,
"Want to smell some pussy?"
"Sure!" he says. So she breathes on him!
-= gay humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------------------
In the female penitentiary cafeteria, how do they serve a tuna fish sandwich?
Bread on an empty plate (tomato juice optional 3 weeks a month).
-= gay humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------------------
The definition of a lesbian?
Just another damn woman trying to do a man's job.
-= gay humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One less than men would take.
or
One to do it and the other to complain about men.
or
One, but they prefer to do it together.
-= gay humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why is lesbian sex taboo in society?
Men don't like women giving lip.
-= gay humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
She went down on men.
-= gay humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two college women were engaging in oral 69 as the dorm mother watched through
the keyhole. She rapped sharply on the door and called, "Girls, are you doing
something I shouldn't know about?" "No," one replied, "but you'll never know
about it like we do!"
-= gay humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why did the lesbian feminist at the university date men?
She wanted to lick them in bed too.
-= gay humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why do lesbians wear crotchless panties?
They want fast food.
-= gay humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why did the lesbian put a candle in her navel?
So her lover could eat by candlelight.
-= gay humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was caught by her husband masturbating while looking at lesbian
porno. "Why look at that stuff?" her angry husband asked.
"It is so beautiful to see women making love!" she exclaimed.
"Well, take one look in the mirror and see why I always screw you doggie
style!"
-= gay humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the ultimate in confusion?
Fifteen blind lesbians at a fish market.
-= gay humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why do lesbians suck tits before going down?
They have to bring milk to pussy.
-= gay humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why don't men like to eat pussy as much as women?
They leave fish for the table.
-= gay humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why do lesbians shrug off christianity?
They get born again every night.
-= gay humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------------------
"My wife and I split up because we have too much in common."
"Is that so?" asked the bartender.
"Yup, we both eat pussy!"
-= gay humor =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lesbian eskimo?
A klondyke.
-= gay humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell a lesbian bar?
The pool table has no balls but plenty of holes.
-= gay humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is a lesbian bunkbed?
The two levels are only 6 inches apart and have 2 holes.
-= gay humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do they do at a lesbian wedding?
After saying their vows, the preacher helps one stand on her head to kiss the
bride.
-= gay humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why did the woman go gay after 3 marriages to men?
She was tired of all cock and no action.
-= gay humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do the pink panther and a male prostitute have in common?
Both are peter sellers.
-= gay humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new N.F.L franchise consisting of an all-gay roster?
they plan to be a real come-from-behind team.
-= gay humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
-= gay humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new disease gay musicians are coming down with?
Band aids.
-= gay humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.
-= gay humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that ben-hur had a sex change operation?
Now he's ben-gay.
-= gay humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a couple of gay lawyers?
Legal aids.
-= gay humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new gay bar?
It's called Boys-R-Us.
-= gay humor =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------------------
What kind of car does Renee Richards drive?
A convertible.
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