How to be a Pretentious Snob
BulletRiddled
is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
very important tips on
HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
1. Give your children trendy names
Great people aren't named after honored relatives. Great people have
names made famous by pop culture. Make sure your child has the same
trendy name that every other child has. There are two ways to do this:
1. Pick a name from a popular teen soap on Warner Brothers
2. Find a list of the ten most popular baby names and choose one of
those
This is why nearly every single child born in the late 1990's shares a
name with a character from Dawsons Creek.
2. Give your children names that don't really exist
Another popular child-naming route is to take an existing name and add
in a random letter that slightly changes the pronunciation. This will
ensure your child will have to repeat his or her name six or seven
times to every single person he or she meets for the rest of his or
her life.
For example:
Bad: Amber
Good: Ambver
Best: Xamber
3. Make your own wine
Making your own wine is easier than ever thanks to the abundance of
mail-order wine kits. Everyone is doing it, despite the fact that most
of these wines have the taste and aroma of shaved ham. It's cheaper
than buying an expensive brand name and can be great for showing off
at parties. This leads right into step #4:
4. Fake a knowledge of wine
A strong knowledge of wine can get you into those fancy wine clubs you
only ever get to see on TV. However, chances are if you're reading
this article you can't tell the difference between a fine Chablis and
Welch's grape juice. At best, you've picked up a few fancy wine
related words off Frasier. Fortunately, you can fake this knowledge
with remarkably little effort. Most wine flavors come from either
fruit or wood with a few spices added in. The typical way to comment
on a wine looks like this:
"A smooth (fruit) flavor with just a hint of (spice), with a nice
(wood) finish."
There's no need to be 100% accurate, just take your best guess as to
each of the flavors. Everyone else will be doing the same thing.
Example: "A smooth peach flavor with just a hint of cinnamon, with a
nice oak finish."
5. Buy an enormous house you can't afford
Buying an enormous house can be easily affordable if you don't buy any
furniture. Just take your budget for buying a house, budget for buying
furniture, and budget for buying food, and multiply it by 2. This is
your new house budget. This is the technique most pretend wealthy
people use. This is also why they only have patio parties and only let
you inside to use the bathroom.
6. Lease a sports car you don't need
Leasing a sports car is a great way to show people just how rich and
important you are. Lease the fastest car you can afford, even if the
only roads you drive on are the cracked side roads to your office.
Make sure to keep a pair of driving gloves on the dashboard for every
passerby to see. This way, they'll think you're a race car driver
instead of a mail clerk. You can even sleep in the back seat if you
followed step #5!
7. Humiliate your pets
This is remarkably easy. Here's just a small sample of the things you
can do:
-Make your dog wear a sweater
-Walk your cat on a leash
-Name your pet after a movie star
-Include your pets on your answering machine
No one knows why people do these thing, but everybody does it and you
should too.
8. Link yourself to every celebrity possible
A mans worth is determined by how many famous people he hobnobs with.
However, if the most famous person you know is the local weatherman
you're going to have to stretch yourself to the point of near-lying to
get people to respect you. If this is the case, try to bring up any
and all distant links to celebrities at every available opportunity.
Example:
Your client: "My son just got accepted into college!"
You: "That's wonderful! My brother once shared a college dorm room
with a guy who had a sister who was friends with a girl who dated Cory
Haim!"
9. Ask everyone you meet "Do you know who I am?" in a threatening
manner
This is an often overlooked step. If the grocery store clerk
accidentally charges you twice for your pack of Twinkies, make sure
you let them know just how much they screwed up your day. If the
ticket agent at the airport has to bump you from first class, make
sure you let everyone know who they just offended. Kick and scream
until people realize that you are a wonderful person and don't deserve
such poor treatment.
10. Constantly bring up how much money you have
This is quite possibly the most important step. While most people
consider this rude, just remember: if you make more money, you're the
better person. Make sure to include ever penny possible when
determining your worth. This can include, but is not limited to:
-Savings
-Stocks
-Bonds
-Your house
-Your car
-All home, car and life insurance policies
-Potential inheritance
-Your DVD collection
-The value of the food in your fridge
-Pocket change
-Coupons
-The clothes you are currently wearing
-Broken, but salvageable electronics
-Extension cords
-The stack of National Geographic magazines in your bathroom
-Souvenirs
-Greeting cards
-Business cards
-The gum you are currently chewing
-Garbage bags that have not made it to the curb yet
-Canadian Tire money
-Publishers Clearing House letters claiming you may have already won
$10 million
-Any Nigerian email scams currently sitting in your inbox
-Things you are borrowing from other people
-Anything that could be sold on the black market, including children
Congratulations, you're now a pretentious snob! Just remember: money =
respect, even if it's not real money.
By BulletRiddled
bullet...@badnewsonline.com
BadNewsOnline - Because Violence is Funny
http://www.badnewsonline.com
Larry Krzewinski
(BulletRiddled) wrote:
>Congratulations, you're now a pretentious snob! Just remember: money =
>respect, even if it's not real money.
Does Monopoly money count?
BulletRiddled
show it to people at close range.
> Does Monopoly money count?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
nemo
Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:413BA915...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
Or one meaning an apine who drives an excavator: Jaycee Bee.
Their boss is trying to smile a bit this time and he's put on a bit of
weight - but he still looks a pratt!
Damned good machinery though! Ask his wife!
And it's British, d'ya hear? - BRITISH!
nemo
2. Join the Conservative Party and start speaking like a BBC TV presenter
such as Nina Hussein, i.e. "Paste Officers" for Post Offices! - and if
you're Amurrican - start using "whom" in all the wrong places!
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
nemo
Filthy tractor: Messy Ferguson.
http://www.masseyferguson.agcocorp.com/.
And they also make Columbine Harvesters, for all you Aquilegia farmers.
Frank A. Rosenbaum
John, Dear, would you be so kind and pick Mia Harrow?
--
Please change my Email address to faros...@earthlink.net
I will not be able to access SBC Global after the end of August.
The Gratiot Valley Railroad Club bi-annual train show and sale
March 7, 2005, at the Macomb Community College Sports
and Expo Center. Macomb County Michigan.
Please visit our Web Site
Click here: http://www.gvrr.org/
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
Such as "Tractor"?
Trendy: Fashionable demon.
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
Such as "Tractor"?
Trendy: Fashionable demon.
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
Such as "Tractor"?
Trendy: Fashionable demon.
nemo
Then you can shoot eem and eel be an extractor!
>
> Trendy: Fashionable demon.
Yuppies - from 'on their way uppies.'
2. Drive a stretch limmo wiv dark glass. (or have a chauffeur do it.)
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Dodo: Double female deer.
Trendy: Fashionable demon.
nemo
Years before Yuppies, I saw a couple of little kids playing in a park when
in very posh voice, their mother called them. "Hirrondel! Aquetaine!"
Poor little sods!
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
Tim Bruening
BulletRiddled wrote:
> If you asked a millionaire what the most important thing in the world
> is, he or she would tell you about friends and family. If you asked
> someone who pretended to be a millionaire what the most important
> thing in the world is, he or she would tell you about money and
> respect. The latter group is sometimes referred to as "yuppies", and
> today you're going to learn how to be one. In other words, here are 10
> very important tips on
>
> HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB
>
> 1. Give your children trendy names
Such as "Tractor"?
nemo
Snobs don't like that one anymore. In fact they've become ex- Tractor fans!
>
> Dodo: Double female deer.
>
> Trendy: Fashionable demon.
Bacon topic:
Tarquin.
Hirrondelle
Aquetaine
I heard those last two called out by a silly pretentions cow at Kew Gardens
a few years ago and two nice little kids came running. And I thought: You
poor little sods!